Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto: The Will of the Rurouni

By: Hitokiri Gentatsu

Disclaimer/Author's Note: Here is the first chapter at last. Hope you enjoy it. I don't own RK even though I wish I did.

Chapter One: Hirayoshi Farm

"I threw away my old name in Kyoto long ago…"

Himura Kenshin

RK Episode 15

He awoke to the sound of birds calling to one another. His head jerked up and his hand went to the hilt of the sword resting against his shoulder. His body was tense and his breathing rapid as he looked around for the source of the clanging of swords he had heard in his half wakened state. He closed his eyes and took deep, even breaths to try and calm himself.

"It was just a dream. Just another nightmare." Kenshin took several more deep breaths, trying to steady his racing heart and trying to get the vision out of his mind.

---He had been back in Kyoto, whose streets ran red with the blood of those he had killed. It was a night with a full moon that seemed to be permanently stained crimson and Shinsengumi surrounded him. They were all bent on taking his life or at least they wanted to wound him so badly that they could capture him. They had no chance against him really but they foolishly tried anyway even after he warned them off. He could still see their surprised faces as they were slain and he could still feel the sorrow in his heart as he watched them fall. He turned away and walked down the alley careful not to walk in the blood that covered the ground. He tried to never allow the blood of those he had killed to touch him physically although he could feel it staining his soul with each kill.

"I hope you find happiness in the next life," he had whispered to them as he passed through the alley strewn with bodies, his head bent and his heart full of the sorrow and pain that came to him each time he was forced to kill.---

Kenshin blinked his eyes several times, the dream slowly fading to the back of his mind as he prepared to move on. He made sure the fire was completely out and covered the evidence of it and of his stay there. He wanted leave no sign of his passing for anyone to find. He knew there were people searching for him, people from the newly created Meiji government. He wasn't sure why they were searching for him but he knew one thing: he did not want to be found by anyone. Not by Master Hiko, who had made it clear that if he left he better not dare come back, nor by his foes who were seeking his death and not even by the Meiji government he had helped create. He wanted no part in the skirmishes that were still going on nor did he feel that he should have a position in the new government for having committed countless murders as a hitokiri.

That was why he had settled on this remote area as a place to spend the winter. It was far from any of the main arenas of fighting. No one here will have heard of him and, once the snows came to the mountains around this valley, it would be completely cut off from the outside world. No one would find him here and they would be foolish to try.

"No one knows where I went and no one knows that I am here except Mazumoto. I should be safe for a time if I can just be careful not to give myself away. Nobody here knows who I am and there is a chance that they will not have heard of the Hitokiri Battousai."

"How long can you remain safe though? They will find out who you are and then we will have to leave again." The hitokiri's cold voice whispered in his mind sending a cold shiver down Kenshin's spine.

Kenshin ignored the voice and brushed the dirt from his worn and faded gi and hakama. He tried to push the voice away and to ignore the truth the hitokiri within him was speaking.

"You know I am speaking the truth and yet you still persist in this notion of a hitokiri who does not kill."

"I am a rurouni, not a hitokiri. Hitokiri Battousai 'died' at Tobu Fushimi. I have made a vow and I intend to keep it,' he thought firmly at the voice as he walked.

"You forget that I am a part of you. I know we wanted to kill those men a month past."

Kenshin could not deny that those words were true. For a moment even he had wanted to see their blood fall but he had stopped himself and the hitokiri from slaying them.

"I didn't though and that is the difference between us. I have sworn a vow to never kill again and I have taken up this sword. I will hold to my vow." He tried to push the voice away again.

"No matter what you do there will be people who cannot forgive you. And I will always be here. You can try to hide me behind the façade of a rurouni but the reality is that you are a hitokiri in your heart. Nothing can alter this one fact. In the end people will know who you are. You will not be able to keep me locked away forever," the voice whispered as it began to fade away again.

"I mean to try though. I will find a way to control you instead of you controlling me."

Kenshin shook his head to clear it and concentrated instead on the road before him, which was more like an animal trail than an actual road. The farther along the path he moved the thinner the trees became until he reached the end of the forest. He stopped at the edge and took in the image before him with wide eyes.

All around him tall mountains stood as of guarding the valley below them. The valley itself was shrouded by a blanket of fog so thick that he could not make out anything except vague images. There appeared to be a small village near where he was standing. He could smell the smoke from several fires and hear people calling to one another.

"The farm will be just outside the village, Mazumoto said." Kenshin began to look for a pass that would take him to the village and the farm beyond it. "Let's hope he was right about their needing some help. I have nowhere else to go this late in the year."

*

Night had fallen and Kenshin sat on the porch of the Hirayoshi house and watched the stars come out. He didn't take his eyes off them even when he heard the two youngest Hirayoshi children calling for him. He smiled slightly when he heard their high-pitched voices and again wondered why children insisted on becoming his friends. Everywhere he went and every place he stayed the children would always follow him. It had been no different when he arrived here that morning.

*

He had arrived at the farm just as the morning sun had driven away the fog. He looked around, reminded suddenly of his own parent's farm when he was a child. He had brief flash of memory from his childhood before it was gone again. Then he found himself thinking of the 'farm' he had 'owned' in Otsu but he clamped down on that memory. Looking around he found the place to be a prosperous indigo farm and he was looking for someone to lead him to the master of the farm when there was a tug on his sleeve. He looked down to find a dark-haired, dark-eyed girl of about five staring up at him. He smiled down at her.

"Hello there, little one," he said gently as he kneeled to be on the same level as her. "Do you live here?"

The girl nodded and looked solemnly up at him.

"Would you take me to your father?"

Another silent nod and the girl had taken his hand. He rose to go with her and she tugged on his sleeve again.

"Pretty," she said, pointing to his hair that was blowing across his face.

He smiled down at her and they walked in silence for a moment. The girl clung to his hand, babbling nonsense words. Kenshin allowed himself to relax a bit although his heart was hammering in his chest. It might be remote but there still was a chance that they might recognize him and send him on his way. There was always and would ever be that chance.

"I should try to be as non-threatening as possible," he thought as he put on the rurouni's peaceful and innocent mask and continued toward the house.

About halfway there the girl stopped and tugged on his sleeve again. He looked down on her with a smile.

"Tired…up please," she said with her arms outstretched to him.

He lifted her carefully and she giggled. Then she reached out a hand toward his hair, which he now wore at the nape of his neck, rather then in the high ponytail of former days. It was a bit shorter then it had been when he was a hitokiri because he had cut it shorter early in his wandering in a vain attempt to throw off pursuit. It was only just long enough to wear in a low ponytail.

The girl touched his hair carefully and smiled at him and her smile seemed to be as bright as a noonday sun to Kenshin.

"Pretty red," she said with a giggle as she grabbed a handful and rubbed it across her face.

Kenshin tried not to move so that she would not accidentally pull his hair. The girl giggled and then looked into his eyes. Her own widened in surprise.

"Oh! Pretty pretty eyes. Sad eyes…" Suddenly she hugged him and he stood stiffly in that hug. The girl did not seem to notice.

"All better," she said, looking at him for confirmation of this fact.

"All better now," he said quietly, wishing that his sorrow could be taken away by such a simple gesture as that. "What is your name, little one?"

"Runiko," she answered as she grabbed his hair again and gave it a gentle tug.

"I should take you back to your parents then, Runiko-chan." She nodded in agreement and he began to walk again, wondering if he could convince them to let him stay and how long he would be able to do so.

*

It turned out that the Hirayoshi were not Runiko's parents but her grandparents. Her parents were both dead and she and her brothers and sisters were orphans. Her father had fought at the Battle of Tobu Fushimi and had died of his wounds. Her mother had died two years before of a wasting disease. Runiko and her three siblings were being raised by their father's parents, having nowhere else to go when their own parents died.

Kenshin frowned up at the stars, seeing again the blood-soaked ground overhung with smoke from the guns and cannon that had been Tobu Fushimi. He could not remember having ever crossed swords with anyone named Hirayoshi but he was sometimes uncertain about the names of some of the men he had slain though he did remember every location of battle and every face.

"It would be best if I didn't mention that I was at Tobu Fushimi. There would be less questions that way."

He had told them his real name because he thought it best not to lie about that but he had told them little else besides that he was a rurouni looking for a place to stay and that Mazumoto had told him about the farm. They seemed eager to have his help and had accepted his story without prying into it. Kenshin was grateful for that because he had avoided awkward and painful questions that way.

He lowered his head and heard Runiko and her little brother, Toma, trying to sneak up on him. He smiled at their antics but made no sign that he knew they were there. He could hear them whispering behind him and he almost laughed.

"Quiet Toma or he will hear you." Runiko said with all the authority of an older sibling.

Toma shushed her and tiptoed closer to where Kenshin sat. Kenshin's smile widened and he closed his eyes and let his head drop, his hair screening his face from view as he pretended to be asleep. He could feel them tense just a moment before they rushed him, grabbing him by the arms. They squealed with laughter, making Kenshin smile.

"We snuck up on him, Toma!"

"Yeah got him."

Kenshin jumped when they grabbed his arms and made a surprised noise in his throat. His eyes went wide when he saw them and he rubbed the back of his head, looking sheepishly at them.

"You scared me, Toma-chan and Runiko-chan." He smiled at them and they all began to laugh.

After a few moments laughter he took their hands and said: "I think it is long passed when you should be in bed."

They took his hands and let him lead them back inside, where a servant took them to their rooms. Kenshin watched them leave and Toma turned for a moment and winked at Kenshin. He smiled and winked back, feeling peaceful and relaxed for once. For some reason he could not understand children always caused this response in him. He was just beginning to walk back to his room when he felt the presence nearby, a powerful Ki flared and it was familiar to him. His eyes narrowed and took on an amber hue. He scanned the hall with his battle trained senses on high alert and a hand on his sword hilt but as suddenly as the Ki had appeared it vanished, leaving no trace for him to read. The hitokiri within him stirred from his slumber.

"Someone has followed us. We should find them before they find us."

Kenshin ignored the Battousai's cold voice as he continued to scan the hall and the surrounding area before returning to his room. There was nothing for him to sense now but for a moment it had seemed…

"Someone is here, watching us. They know…" Battousai's voice echoed in his head as he sat down by the window and closed his eyes, trying to calm himself.

"No one knows and on one could have followed. It is safe here." He pushed the voice away but Battousai refused to be silenced.

"If we don't do something then they will find us. We should seek them out, now before its too late."

"I shall stay here. We don't know that they are even still around or even who 'they' are. I promised to help out here and I will not allow anything prevent me from keeping my word," he thought firmly. "It doesn't matter what you say."

The Battousai muttered his disagreement then slipped back into the darkness with only one parting thought.

"What happens when Hirayoshi-san finds out who you are? You know very well that we will be forced to leave then. What if that is what the enemy wants?"

"I will make sure Hirayoshi-dono has no reason to suspect that I am not what I appear on the surface to be. I will be more careful then ever before. If the enemy seeks to drive me into the open then I will deny that to him." He opened his violet eyes and looked out the window and then to his sakabatou, which rested in its usual place against his shoulder. "And that means no sword practice."

As he thought about that he frowned. If he stayed here that would mean he would be unable to train for several months at least and in that time his sword skills would diminish somewhat. It was for this reason that all samurai practiced daily to keep their skills sharp but he would not risk it here not after that last incident. The hitokiri stirred again.

"There is no other choice. If I am to stay here through the winter then I need to lay aside all trappings of war. That includes morning sword training and it also includes wearing my sword in public."

"We cannot do that! Without a sword we are helpless against whoever seeks us. We need a sword to feel safe, even a sword like the foolish blade you insist on carrying now."

"It's the only thing I can do. I have to rest here. I need to stay in one place for a while before continuing on this road. I need some peace and I will do whatever is necessary to find it even if it is only temporary. I need time to think."

The Battousai muttered again but retreated back into the shadows. Kenshin looked out at the stars again and wondered if he was making a wise choice by staying here. He was putting Hirayoshi and his family in danger be being here and yet…he need the rest.

"I have to do this. I must stay here. The only other option is to make a bed in the snow and try to reach the next town. No. I will stay here all winter. I will make this work. I will just make sure to be more careful. It will not be like the last place."

He closed his eyes and saw again what had happened at the last place he had attempted to stay long at and shuddered at the sight. The townspeople had run him and the family who had helped him out of town when they found out that he was the Hitokiri Battousai. He had tried to help the Masahiro family find a new place to live but they had spurred his aid because of who he was. They had cursed him as he walked away and had threatened to go to the police and report his whereabouts to them. They had been as good as their threat and he had spent many weeks after being pursued by the police.

"All because of one mistake. A mistake that must not be repeated here."

He had been trying to protect one of the Masahiro daughters from some members of the local yakuza who were harassing her. They had been persistent in their harassment and would not leave her alone even after Kenshin had warned them off. They had been decently trained in the sword and he had had to use some of his more recognizable moves on them to get them to back down. The battle ended with all of the members on the ground in various states of unconsciousness and Kenshin's eyes glowing amber. When he had calmed himself somewhat he turned to find the girl's elder brother who had just returned from the war staring at him with a wide-eyed stare, which quickly turned into one of complete rage as he recognized who stood before him. He had shouted the Battousai's name become enraged by the sight of him and had drawn his sword to attack. Quicker than lightening, Kenshin had disarmed the man but not before others villagers had seen him.

"It will not happen again for I will not allow it to." He glared at the stars. "Please just let me have some peace. That is all I ask. If I cannot get some rest then it may not matter if I am found."

He closed his eyes and leaned against the window frame, his sword resting in its usual place. Soon he fell into a troubled sleep filled with dreams of the past, a dark shadowed alley and all around him the smell of blood.