Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto: The Will of the Rurouni
By: Hitokiri Gentatsu
Disclaimer/Author's Note: I don't own RK even though I wish I did. I want to thank everyone who has reviewed and also to thank Mir from Tales from the Meiji for posting my fics. If you have not visited her site you really should.
Chapter Two: Tranquility
"The sword is in the man."
Old Japanese saying
For the next two weeks Kenshin's days took on a more regular rhythm and he began to truly relax for the first time since leaving Kyoto. The Hirayoshi family was friendly to him and treated him almost like a long lost son and Katsuo and Mitsuki, the two Hirayoshi servants respected him as being above them in station even if he was doing the laundry and chopping vegetables. The servants, who were married but never had children of their own, took him under their wing. They liked the quiet and polite young samurai and felt sympathy for him. They had detected a sorrow within Kenshin that was confirmed when they looked into his purple eyes. Something had wounded the young man's heart deeply.
"Something must have happened to him during the war," said Katsuo thoughtfully one night, long after Kenshin had left the kitchens for his own room.
"The war took the young master from us. Stupid, useless war," Mitsuki said with a touch of anger in her voice, then it softened. "But others have lost loved ones too. I think Himura-san is one of those unfortunates. I hear him calling out a woman's name in his sleep."
Although the two of them speculated about why Kenshin seemed so sad and why a young man who had obviously been a samurai of some station would want to become a penniless and masterless ronin, they never pried into his past. Kenshin, who was well aware of their curiosity, offered no more information other then his name and the fact that he had served for a time in the war. He dared not tell them more than that not because he was trying to hide but instead for fear of endangering them farther. That was why he had given Masamoto and countless others the same warning but the hitokiri had a different idea about how to keep those who discovered his identity silent. If it were left up to Hitokiri Battousai, he would kill all those who found out this information for that was how it had always been in Kyoto. If he was seen by anyone or if they tried to flee they were killed. For years that had been the way he had protected his identity as the Hitokiri Battousai.
Now he was finding it very difficult to change the patterns by which he had once lived his life. In Kyoto it had been kill or be killed and eliminate anyone who had seen your work no matter who they were. The single acception to this rule had been Tomoe. She had seen him kill the assassin that Bakufu had hired to kill him and he knew she had seen him. There was no possibility that she had not have seen it because the blood of that assassin had been splattered all over her. The hitokiri within him had screamed in his head to kill her because she had seen him and thus knew his true identity but he couldn't bring himself to slay an unarmed woman no matter what she had seen. She was not some armed enemy like the assassin had been so instead of killing her as the hitokiri urged; he followed his own heart for once and had taken her back to the inn instead. When he learned she had been drunk he felt somehow justified in his actions and the hitokiri remained quiet even though they both knew it was nothing more than an excuse. Kenshin knew that she had seen what had happened in that alley and Tomoe knew Kenshin knew she remembered the event but it had not mattered to either of them at the time. All that mattered was that they had found each other, two shadowed hearts had found the one who would restore their lost happiness. He held a hand to his left cheek and traced the scar there, remembering their brief time together.
"Tomoe…" he whispered as his fingers lingered over the part of the cross that had been made by her tanto. "I will always remember and always love you."
She was the one who had caused the change in his heart. She had been the only one able to bring back the light into his shadowed soul and it was because of her that he was alive now. Tomoe had traded her life for his own on that mountain four long years ago and because of that and for no other reason he would continue to try to live a life free of killing even though he no longer cared whether he lived or died. He was not sure when his life had begun to mean nothing to him, he only knew that in the shadows he had been forced to walk during the Bakumatsu he had lost all will to live. Maybe it came from seeing so much death and smelling the blood of those he slew. Somewhere in the tide of crimson that flowed from his sword he had stopped caring about any life, even his own. He wasn't entirely certain how it happened or even when but the fact was that it had. Even now that the war was over for him he still had no will to continue living but he could not fulfill his promise to her now if he died. His oath to Tomoe was all he had left to hold onto but he hoped that someday he could find the will to live again. For now his oath would have to take the place of his lost will until it could be found again.
Changing a pattern of thought that had become so ingrained that it seemed normal was going to be difficult but he would do as he promised her. It was the only way he felt he could atone for his crimes and his bloodstained sword. He refused to tarnish Tomoe's gift of life by breaking that oath in the same way he refused to stain his sword of peace with the blood of man. She had meant life to him and had pulled him back to the world of the living even though he had only ever given her death in return. It was difficult to control the yearnings of the hitokiri's heart but somehow he would do so with her memory as his guide. Later maybe he would be able to control the hitokiri on his own but for now she would remain his sheath.
"Arigato Tomoe, koishii…for everything." His heart clinched in pain and he felt a tear roll down his cheek.
He lowered his head to block his eyes from view and quickly wiped it away. He closed his eyes, which remained hidden under his long bangs and took several deep breaths. When he lifted his head and opened his eyes again, the room had come back into focus and he was able to return to his chopping of vegetables for the evening meal, a sad smile on his face and a deeper sorrow reflected in his eyes.
Mitsuko noticed his sad smile and nodded to herself and Kenshin, noticing her movement, looked up and smiled at her. She smiled back, noticing the sadness in his eyes.
"I know you won't believe me right now but things will get better and the pain will grow less as time passes. The years will heal your sorrow," she said in a whisper.
He gave her a penetrating stare and she saw the unshed tears in his slightly amber eyes. Mitsuka looked back at him without flinching and he smiled a trembling smile. His vision began to blur again and he felt hot tears splash on his hands. He dropped his knife and rubbed a sleeve across his eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling. Mitsuka came around the table and took the unresisting youth in her arms and at that moment he could hold the tears back no longer. He was not sure of how long he cried onto her shoulder but when he was through he felt much better than he had in a long while. Suddenly he realized he had never cried for Tomoe, not since the day he left Otsu bound for Kyoto and years of bloodshed. He had not had time to mourn properly for her death and he had held the sorrow of it in his heart all this time, never letting it go and always hiding it from others. There had been no time for mourning or sorrow back then and during the Bakumatsu's height he could not afford such distractions.
But now that peace had finally come the floodgates had been opened and he had cried years worth of tears for himself, for those he had killed and most of all for her. When he was through, he looked up at Mitsuka and smiled the first real smile he had in a long time. His eyes and nose were red from crying but the pain in his heart was somewhat less.
"Now your heart can begin the long journey to healing," Mitsuka said quietly. "And someday you will find that you can live and love again." Kenshin doubted that that would even come to pass but he nodded in agreement anyway.
"For now remember your first love and hold onto her memory. When the time is right you will find another love and you will be able to let the first one go." She looked at him and for the first time he saw sorrow not unlike his own reflected there.
She had lost her first love too he realized with shock and he hugged her back.
"Arigato Matsuka-dono. I will remember your words." He turned and left her then returning only after washing his hands and face so that he could complete his chore with a calm, serene look in his eyes.
She smiled and returned to her own work, glad that she had been able to help him release some of his pain.
*
After this incident, Kenshin's life began to seem a little less dark than it had been before. He still deeply regretted his actions as a hitokiri, he still mourned over those he had slain and for Tomoe, he still felt fear and doubt about his future but all of his troubles seemed to weigh less on his heart and to become less burdensome. He felt the first stirrings of hope in his heart that his life might be made new again, that his divided soul might one day be whole again and that somewhere he would have a second chance.
"Somewhere down this road I will find a place where my past will not matter and where I can find a home and live in peace."
The snow lay in deep drifts all around him as he stood looking out his rooms. The snow was fresh, clean and new and for once he did not feel the deep sorrow that snow usually brought to his mind. In the past snow had always meant death to him but now he saw the possibilities for life even within its cold embrace.
He turned and rolled the window shut and left the room going to the kitchens to find out what he needed to pick up from the market. He had been asked to go into the village when the snows began and he had become a regular sight there twice a week. The vendors all gave him special deals on whatever he bought, which made things easier for the Hirayoshi family and allowed him to bring home toys or sweets for the children, which they adored.
From the beginning, the villagers had been very open and friendly with him and after the initial shock caused by his red hair or, more often, his unusual scar, they had accepted him as one of their own. They had taken him in so readily because he was unfailingly polite, always willing to lend a hand to help others and the children loved him. He'd already helped three lost children find their mothers when they had become separated. Kenshin was also humble, wanting no rewards for his help, assuring everyone that he did it because it was his job to help others.
Their friendliness had surprised him and unnerved the hitokiri, who believed it to be a trap of some kind. After time had passed, Kenshin grew more comfortable and the hitokiri's warnings became a faint murmur in the back of his mind. Kenshin enjoyed the change in attitude toward him. Never before had anyone accepted him for who he was behind the hitokiri's mask and Battousai's name. Here no one knew him as either of those people and because of that he was able to move more freely here than anywhere else.
Kenshin's arrival in the village this morning caused no excitement or at least no more than the arrival of anyone else did. Several vendors were out early and called to him in greeting as he passed their stalls. He waved them off politely and continued down the main street seeking the shop of Toshihiro where he could warm himself before he began this day's shopping.
As always, Toshihiro had a warm fire and a hot cup of tea waiting for Kenshin as he entered the apothecary shop. The shop actually belonged to Toshihiro's father who was also the village's only doctor and the shop smelled of a mixture of herbs, warmed tea and wood from the fire pit.
"Right on time as always, Himura-san."
Kenshin smiled at his friend who was near his own age and sat down next to him, taking the cup of tea he offered. He cupped his hands around it to warm them and took a sip, letting the liquid warm him on the inside as well.
"So what mission brings you out here on such a cold morning?"
"Some tea, tofu, fish and daikon radishes. Also talk with a good friend." Kenshin's eyes had narrowed at the word 'mission' but Toshihiro seemed not to notice.
"Well, I can't help you with the first of those but the last one I can definantly help with," he said good naturedly. "I can sure talk when I want to."
Kenshin laughed at this, knowing it was nothing less than the truth. The very first time he had met Toshihiro the man had nearly talked his ears off but that was one of the reasons he had become friends with the young man and visited him often. He knew everything that went on in the village and in several nearby villages as well. Kenshin needed that information in order to know if anyone had followed him so that he could protect himself and others. This was a holdover from his bodyguard days when his life and the lives of those he was guarding depended solely on the information he received from trusted people. However, that was not the reason he had come today.
"Have you heard the news? Kira had her baby three days past. A good strong boy for the Isahiro clan.
Kira was the daughter of a local farming family who had lost many sons in the fighting. Kenshin bowed his head, his eyes shaded by the fall of red hair around them.
"That is good news," he said quietly, hoping there would be more healthy and strong children born to replace those who had been lost to war and famine.
Toshihiro noticed Himura's pensive mood and watched his friend worriedly. Himura was always quiet, one given to listening rather than speaking and Toshihiro usually did all the talking but today he seemed quieter than usual. He wondered what was on Himura's mind now and hoped he hadn't heard the rumors yet. Miyuki village was very remote at the best of times but news did trickle in from the outside, albeit in a slower fashion then in big cities like Kyoto. There were a few traders who would bring news to them and a few people, like his father, who often traveled to villages that were closer to bigger towns. There were some rumors going around of a hitokiri who had escaped the hand of the new government and who was wanted by the same.
Toshihiro knew better than to believe rumors and hearsay for only last month someone had started a rumor that foreigner's had horns on their heads and tails like some kind of demon. When Toshihiro had finally met one this had not been the case at all. However, he was curious about the young man who had wandered into their village out of the blue and just before snowfall. He was doubly curious because Himura looked just the Hitokiri Battousai was rumored to look down to the red hair and scar. The Hitokiri Battousai was rumored to have slain hundreds of men with no remorse in his heart and the Meiji government had been searching for him since his disappearance from Tobu Fushimi.
"If Himura-san is really the legendary hitokiri then is this entire village in danger from him?" Toshihiro studied his friend, still wondering and hoping in his heart is wasn't true.
