1 CHAPTER FOUR
"Argh, I hate boats," Sam said, stepping in and sitting down.
"Why?" Jack asked, from his position next to her.
He fiddled with the fishing rods and made sure they were both OK. He looked up at Anna who was standing on the shore.
"Well you coming in or not?" Jack asked.
Anna smiled slightly. "Nah, maybe later. Casey just reminded me that we have an assignment due tomorrow."
"You promise you'll come on later?" Sam asked, Jack noted the slight sound of anxiety in her voice.
Anna ran off towards the main house where her two friends were standing.
"Where are Sam and Jack?" Charlotte asked Daniel as he walked back into the kitchen.
"They went fishing," Daniel replied.
"Oh," Charlotte said. "So are you having fun in Australia?"
Daniel opened the fridge and took the bottle of orange juice out. "Yeah, it's a nice country."
"What's your job? You don't really strike me as the military type," Charlotte replied.
"I don't?" Daniel asked. "Oh, OK. I'm an archaeologist. But I work with the military on a top secret project."
"Classified?" Charlotte asked, surprised. "Bruce's cousin works on a classified military project? That's pretty cool."
"Ah, yeah," Daniel said, sitting down at the table. "So where exactly did Jack and Sam go?"
"The Moran's. They're Anna's friends, a couple of kilometers down the road and they have a nice little lake with gum trees surrounding it," Charlotte said. "Jonathan took me there the first time we met. That's also where he asked me out."
Daniel smiled. "A nice little romantic place huh?"
"You could say that," Charlotte replied. "Those two are in love aren't they?"
"I don't think they've ever admitted it," Daniel said. "But Murray and our friend Janet Frasier, well we all think that they have feelings for eachother. But even if they wanted to admit it, they're not allowed. It's military regulations."
"Really? Man that would suck," Charlotte said.
"I guess it would," Daniel said.
Sam leaned over the side of the boat and looked at the sinker. It was still bobbing on the surface.
"Sir, I don't think we're going to find anything?" she finally said, reeling in her rod. "We've been here for an hour and there's still nothing."
"Carter," he said. "You gotta be patient with fishing."
"Yes, sir," Sam replied, casting the rod back out, but the hook caught on her jacket. "Ow! Shit."
Jack laughed a little and leaned over, pulling the hook of her jacket. "You OK?"
"That hurt," she said, rubbing her shoulder.
Then she reached out and took the hook from Jack's hand. As she took the hook their hands met. Sam felt a sudden surge of what felt like electricity through her body. She looked up and found Jack gazing into her eyes.
Uh oh, Sam thought.
Jack started to lean forwards slightly. Sam started leaning towards him as well. She felt his lips brush hers, and then suddenly she turned away.
"Sam…?" Jack said, sounding slightly worried. "What's wrong?"
Sam, she repeated to herself in her head. When he calls me Sam he wants one of those discussions. Right now is not the time for one of those conversations.
"Nothing," Sam replied. "We just…we can't, sir."
She emphasized the sir, as if to remind him that they were still in the military and there were regulations holding them apart.
"Sir, if we start this, if we kiss again, it's going to hurt more when we get back to the SGC," Sam tried to explain.
"Sam, it hurts so much already," Jack said. "Everyday I sit next to you, or watch you across the table. All I want to do is reach out and take your hand," as he said this he took her hand in his again, "or kiss you, hug you, be able to discuss things like this. But I can't. Not one damn day can I do anything without risking a court martial."
Sam looked down at her hand in his.
"You're the only reason I'm still at the SGC," Jack continued. "I would much rather be sitting at home, or at my cabin, fishing, than fighting aliens or travelling to other planets. But I couldn't bare sitting at home or fishing, when all I could think about was what you were doing, if you were in trouble. If something happened to you when I wasn't there, I think I'd die. I couldn't loose you. Not like I lost Charlie, not even how I lost Sara. I won't let it happen.
"I never even realised how I felt about you until Jollinar. When you were lying on that bed, dying, I couldn't leave, I just couldn't leave. They needed me, I can't even remember what for, but I know I should've been helping them with something else. Something more important. But I just couldn't leave you. If anything happened, I had to be there."
"Sir," she said, then she looked up. "Jack…"
I called him Jack, she thought. I actually said his name to his face. Why is that so hard? Why can't it just be natural, like calling him sir.
But she knew the answer to that. She was afraid that if she let herself call him Jack she'd let herself be more open with him. That's why she always called him sir, to remind herself, more than anyone else, that he was her Commanding Officer and she wasn't allowed any kind of relationship other than friendship with him.
"I never really knew how I felt until you were stuck on Edora," she started. "I mean I knew before then, but it never really sunk in that I loved you…"
She froze. Love. She had said that she loved him. She loved him. She had never, ever, admitted it to anyone, not even to herself. It had always been that she 'cared' about him, or she was very 'close' to him. But she had never allowed herself to use the word 'love' before.
"Oh my god," she said quietly, pulling her hand away from his. "Can we please go back to solid ground…sir?"
"Yeah, OK," Jack replied casually, as if nothing had happened.
Daniel stood up as Jack and Sam appeared in the distance. Anna was walking with Sam, but Jack was hanging back a bit, as if they'd had some sort of fight or argument. They weren't carrying anything that looked like fish and they'd borrowed the fishing rods from the Moran's, so there was nothing for them to carry.
"No luck?" he asked as they got closer.
"No fish," Anna said cheerfully.
Sam didn't say anything, she seemed distracted. She sat down in the chair next to Daniel as Anna bounced inside. Jack just stood next to Daniel, watching Sam. They both seemed to be thinking…a lot. But neither of them seemed into the talking mood.
"Hello?" Daniel asked.
Neither of them replied.
"Sam?" Daniel asked, sitting down again. "You OK?"
"I'm fine," Sam replied.
Jack turned around and walked inside. Daniel watched him leave. Neither of them seemed to be angry at each other, but they didn't seem as if they were on the best terms either.
"Sam, what happened?" Daniel asked once Jack was out of earshot.
"Nothing," Sam said quietly.
"Sam…" Daniel warned.
"Daniel…" Sam warned, obviously telling him to back off. "Nothing happened."
"Oh, nothing happened, but neither you nor Jack seem to be talking to eachother…of course, for no reason," Daniel said sarcastically.
"You don't understand!" Sam shouted, standing up. "Daniel you have got no idea what I feel like. What I want to do, but I can't because it could jeopardize my career, his career. I'm afraid to even be to friendly with him. Just incase someone takes it the wrong way! Everybody knows Daniel, even General Hammond knows! But we still can't show it! I can't say or do anything!"
Even thought she didn't say it, Daniel knew what she was talking about. He shrunk back in his chair as she shouted at him. Suddenly she stopped and collapsed into tears. Daniel stood up and hugged her.
"Come on Sam, it can't be that bad," Daniel said, knowing that in truth it was.
"I'm sorry Daniel, I didn't mean to shout at you," Sam said. "It's just so hard."
Jack came outside again and saw Sam crying in Daniel's arms. He walked quickly over to where they were standing. He reached a hand forwards and moved her hair from her face. She looked up to him. Daniel moved away. Jack reached towards her and put his arms around her shoulders, pulling her close to him.
"It'll be OK, Sam," he whispered.
She leaned her head against his chest. It felt so right, so normal and comfortable, as if it was meant to be this way. She remembered the hug they had shared on Hathor's ship. That had been different, more of a relief that they were both alive, this hug had a different meaning.
Love.
It was that word again. She pulled away from him and she could see the pain return to his face. The disappointment of her always pulling away from him when they got too close. But it wasn't his fault; she wasn't ready for anything. Not yet.
"Thanks, sir," she said. "I'll be OK."
She turned around and walked quickly back in the direction of her caravan. Jack flopped down into the chair she had been sitting in.
"Why does she always pull away?" he asked himself, more than Daniel.
"Because she's afraid," Daniel replied.
"Did I ask you?" Jack asked.
"Well no but…Jack, I know that she loves you. That's what she's afraid of," Daniel said.
"She's afraid of love?" Jack asked, saying the last word awkwardly.
"Yes," Daniel said. "No…"
"No?" Jack asked, confused.
"She's not afraid of love," Daniel said. "She's afraid to let herself love you, someone she's not allowed to love. She doesn't want to break the regs, but she really wants to feel wanted by someone, accepted…"
Daniel looked over at Jack, who was still staring at Sam's disappearing figure.
"She wants to be loved," Daniel said. "But she's also afraid of it. Haven't you ever noticed how she never shows her feelings for you? She seems to try and hide them, as if she's afraid of it herself."
"Daniel how do you know all this?" Jack asked.
"Between what she's told Janet and I, it's not hard," Daniel said.
"She talks to you and Janet about it?" Jack asked in surprise.
"Not me that often, but to Janet all the time," Daniel said.
"And Janet tells you?" Jack exclaimed.
"Yes," Daniel said. "But usually when we're at her house, or out with Cassie."
"You do stuff with Janet outside the SGC?" Jack asked.
"All the time," Daniel said. "So does Sam."
"Do you do stuff with Sam outside the SGC?" Jack asked.
"Yeah, but not as often as Janet. Sam tends to spend her free time in her lab," Daniel said. "Why?"
"I never do anything with Sam, ever," Jack said.
"Never?" Daniel repeated.
"Never," Jack said. "I just presumed that none of you guys did stuff together."
"Have you ever asked her to do something?" Daniel asked.
"No," Jack replied. "I…what if she doesn't want to?"
"Jack you're afraid too, aren't you?" Daniel asked.
"I'm not afraid," Jack protested.
But Daniel knew he was lying. Jack never followed rules or regulations, what reason would he have for following that specific one? There was only one explanation, he was just as afraid as Sam was. But in a different way. He wasn't afraid to show his feelings for her, he was just afraid to show it to her face.
"Argh, I hate boats," Sam said, stepping in and sitting down.
"Why?" Jack asked, from his position next to her.
He fiddled with the fishing rods and made sure they were both OK. He looked up at Anna who was standing on the shore.
"Well you coming in or not?" Jack asked.
Anna smiled slightly. "Nah, maybe later. Casey just reminded me that we have an assignment due tomorrow."
"You promise you'll come on later?" Sam asked, Jack noted the slight sound of anxiety in her voice.
Anna ran off towards the main house where her two friends were standing.
"Where are Sam and Jack?" Charlotte asked Daniel as he walked back into the kitchen.
"They went fishing," Daniel replied.
"Oh," Charlotte said. "So are you having fun in Australia?"
Daniel opened the fridge and took the bottle of orange juice out. "Yeah, it's a nice country."
"What's your job? You don't really strike me as the military type," Charlotte replied.
"I don't?" Daniel asked. "Oh, OK. I'm an archaeologist. But I work with the military on a top secret project."
"Classified?" Charlotte asked, surprised. "Bruce's cousin works on a classified military project? That's pretty cool."
"Ah, yeah," Daniel said, sitting down at the table. "So where exactly did Jack and Sam go?"
"The Moran's. They're Anna's friends, a couple of kilometers down the road and they have a nice little lake with gum trees surrounding it," Charlotte said. "Jonathan took me there the first time we met. That's also where he asked me out."
Daniel smiled. "A nice little romantic place huh?"
"You could say that," Charlotte replied. "Those two are in love aren't they?"
"I don't think they've ever admitted it," Daniel said. "But Murray and our friend Janet Frasier, well we all think that they have feelings for eachother. But even if they wanted to admit it, they're not allowed. It's military regulations."
"Really? Man that would suck," Charlotte said.
"I guess it would," Daniel said.
Sam leaned over the side of the boat and looked at the sinker. It was still bobbing on the surface.
"Sir, I don't think we're going to find anything?" she finally said, reeling in her rod. "We've been here for an hour and there's still nothing."
"Carter," he said. "You gotta be patient with fishing."
"Yes, sir," Sam replied, casting the rod back out, but the hook caught on her jacket. "Ow! Shit."
Jack laughed a little and leaned over, pulling the hook of her jacket. "You OK?"
"That hurt," she said, rubbing her shoulder.
Then she reached out and took the hook from Jack's hand. As she took the hook their hands met. Sam felt a sudden surge of what felt like electricity through her body. She looked up and found Jack gazing into her eyes.
Uh oh, Sam thought.
Jack started to lean forwards slightly. Sam started leaning towards him as well. She felt his lips brush hers, and then suddenly she turned away.
"Sam…?" Jack said, sounding slightly worried. "What's wrong?"
Sam, she repeated to herself in her head. When he calls me Sam he wants one of those discussions. Right now is not the time for one of those conversations.
"Nothing," Sam replied. "We just…we can't, sir."
She emphasized the sir, as if to remind him that they were still in the military and there were regulations holding them apart.
"Sir, if we start this, if we kiss again, it's going to hurt more when we get back to the SGC," Sam tried to explain.
"Sam, it hurts so much already," Jack said. "Everyday I sit next to you, or watch you across the table. All I want to do is reach out and take your hand," as he said this he took her hand in his again, "or kiss you, hug you, be able to discuss things like this. But I can't. Not one damn day can I do anything without risking a court martial."
Sam looked down at her hand in his.
"You're the only reason I'm still at the SGC," Jack continued. "I would much rather be sitting at home, or at my cabin, fishing, than fighting aliens or travelling to other planets. But I couldn't bare sitting at home or fishing, when all I could think about was what you were doing, if you were in trouble. If something happened to you when I wasn't there, I think I'd die. I couldn't loose you. Not like I lost Charlie, not even how I lost Sara. I won't let it happen.
"I never even realised how I felt about you until Jollinar. When you were lying on that bed, dying, I couldn't leave, I just couldn't leave. They needed me, I can't even remember what for, but I know I should've been helping them with something else. Something more important. But I just couldn't leave you. If anything happened, I had to be there."
"Sir," she said, then she looked up. "Jack…"
I called him Jack, she thought. I actually said his name to his face. Why is that so hard? Why can't it just be natural, like calling him sir.
But she knew the answer to that. She was afraid that if she let herself call him Jack she'd let herself be more open with him. That's why she always called him sir, to remind herself, more than anyone else, that he was her Commanding Officer and she wasn't allowed any kind of relationship other than friendship with him.
"I never really knew how I felt until you were stuck on Edora," she started. "I mean I knew before then, but it never really sunk in that I loved you…"
She froze. Love. She had said that she loved him. She loved him. She had never, ever, admitted it to anyone, not even to herself. It had always been that she 'cared' about him, or she was very 'close' to him. But she had never allowed herself to use the word 'love' before.
"Oh my god," she said quietly, pulling her hand away from his. "Can we please go back to solid ground…sir?"
"Yeah, OK," Jack replied casually, as if nothing had happened.
Daniel stood up as Jack and Sam appeared in the distance. Anna was walking with Sam, but Jack was hanging back a bit, as if they'd had some sort of fight or argument. They weren't carrying anything that looked like fish and they'd borrowed the fishing rods from the Moran's, so there was nothing for them to carry.
"No luck?" he asked as they got closer.
"No fish," Anna said cheerfully.
Sam didn't say anything, she seemed distracted. She sat down in the chair next to Daniel as Anna bounced inside. Jack just stood next to Daniel, watching Sam. They both seemed to be thinking…a lot. But neither of them seemed into the talking mood.
"Hello?" Daniel asked.
Neither of them replied.
"Sam?" Daniel asked, sitting down again. "You OK?"
"I'm fine," Sam replied.
Jack turned around and walked inside. Daniel watched him leave. Neither of them seemed to be angry at each other, but they didn't seem as if they were on the best terms either.
"Sam, what happened?" Daniel asked once Jack was out of earshot.
"Nothing," Sam said quietly.
"Sam…" Daniel warned.
"Daniel…" Sam warned, obviously telling him to back off. "Nothing happened."
"Oh, nothing happened, but neither you nor Jack seem to be talking to eachother…of course, for no reason," Daniel said sarcastically.
"You don't understand!" Sam shouted, standing up. "Daniel you have got no idea what I feel like. What I want to do, but I can't because it could jeopardize my career, his career. I'm afraid to even be to friendly with him. Just incase someone takes it the wrong way! Everybody knows Daniel, even General Hammond knows! But we still can't show it! I can't say or do anything!"
Even thought she didn't say it, Daniel knew what she was talking about. He shrunk back in his chair as she shouted at him. Suddenly she stopped and collapsed into tears. Daniel stood up and hugged her.
"Come on Sam, it can't be that bad," Daniel said, knowing that in truth it was.
"I'm sorry Daniel, I didn't mean to shout at you," Sam said. "It's just so hard."
Jack came outside again and saw Sam crying in Daniel's arms. He walked quickly over to where they were standing. He reached a hand forwards and moved her hair from her face. She looked up to him. Daniel moved away. Jack reached towards her and put his arms around her shoulders, pulling her close to him.
"It'll be OK, Sam," he whispered.
She leaned her head against his chest. It felt so right, so normal and comfortable, as if it was meant to be this way. She remembered the hug they had shared on Hathor's ship. That had been different, more of a relief that they were both alive, this hug had a different meaning.
Love.
It was that word again. She pulled away from him and she could see the pain return to his face. The disappointment of her always pulling away from him when they got too close. But it wasn't his fault; she wasn't ready for anything. Not yet.
"Thanks, sir," she said. "I'll be OK."
She turned around and walked quickly back in the direction of her caravan. Jack flopped down into the chair she had been sitting in.
"Why does she always pull away?" he asked himself, more than Daniel.
"Because she's afraid," Daniel replied.
"Did I ask you?" Jack asked.
"Well no but…Jack, I know that she loves you. That's what she's afraid of," Daniel said.
"She's afraid of love?" Jack asked, saying the last word awkwardly.
"Yes," Daniel said. "No…"
"No?" Jack asked, confused.
"She's not afraid of love," Daniel said. "She's afraid to let herself love you, someone she's not allowed to love. She doesn't want to break the regs, but she really wants to feel wanted by someone, accepted…"
Daniel looked over at Jack, who was still staring at Sam's disappearing figure.
"She wants to be loved," Daniel said. "But she's also afraid of it. Haven't you ever noticed how she never shows her feelings for you? She seems to try and hide them, as if she's afraid of it herself."
"Daniel how do you know all this?" Jack asked.
"Between what she's told Janet and I, it's not hard," Daniel said.
"She talks to you and Janet about it?" Jack asked in surprise.
"Not me that often, but to Janet all the time," Daniel said.
"And Janet tells you?" Jack exclaimed.
"Yes," Daniel said. "But usually when we're at her house, or out with Cassie."
"You do stuff with Janet outside the SGC?" Jack asked.
"All the time," Daniel said. "So does Sam."
"Do you do stuff with Sam outside the SGC?" Jack asked.
"Yeah, but not as often as Janet. Sam tends to spend her free time in her lab," Daniel said. "Why?"
"I never do anything with Sam, ever," Jack said.
"Never?" Daniel repeated.
"Never," Jack said. "I just presumed that none of you guys did stuff together."
"Have you ever asked her to do something?" Daniel asked.
"No," Jack replied. "I…what if she doesn't want to?"
"Jack you're afraid too, aren't you?" Daniel asked.
"I'm not afraid," Jack protested.
But Daniel knew he was lying. Jack never followed rules or regulations, what reason would he have for following that specific one? There was only one explanation, he was just as afraid as Sam was. But in a different way. He wasn't afraid to show his feelings for her, he was just afraid to show it to her face.
