BLord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Cookie! Part 2

Um…hi. I don't own Lord of the Rings (J.R.R. Tolkien does) or any of the LOTR characters, although I DID ask my parents for Sam for Christmas. No offense to people who are on diets…it wouldn't hurt for me to lose a few pounds myself. But it's all for laughs so don't be mad. And also, to die-hard LOTR fans: the character names are dropping out of my memory like dead flies! Don't be mad if I have to say "the elf," "the dude," or even "the short dude" every once in a while!B

"So, here's your assignment. You are to bring this package to Sarumon before it goes bad. So hurry!"

"Um…what's in the package?" Frodo asked.

"Chocolate chip cookies with various amounts of radiation infused. Sarumon's favorite. Anyway, I hear this town is on a diet, so watch your step. You could be ambushed at any second."

Frodo thought about this for a second. Get ambushed, get laid. Don't get ambushed, don't get laid. Get…LAID!! I'm getting laid!

"Yes yes yes!"

"Um…I'm happy to hear you're so enthusiastic about this. Now hurry, before Bilbo comes out with the paddle and starts kicking ass."

"Uh…yeah!"

Frodo ran down the snowy road, package under his arm. He ran, he ran, he ran, and he ran…and found himself at the next door neighbor's house. Nevertheless, he kept running…everything was being shown in slow motion…and—would you believe it?—he slipped and fell down!

"Mmmm…I smell something GOOD. What is it?"

Frodo looked up through the slush to see Sam. [WE LOVE HIM!] The chubby blond hobbit was wearing his favorite outfit, but not exactly in the right places. His pants were on his head, his shirt wrapped around his waist like a loincloth, and his socks and shoes on his hands. His cloak was thrown around his shoulders.

"Um…what the heck happened to you, dude? Your clothes are all mixed up!"

"Oh, you think so too?" asked Sam. "Well, so did many people, even Gandalf…ah, screw 'em all. What's that delicious aroma? It does so smell like chocolate and uranium…"

"I don't have any cookies," Frodo said nervously.

"Oooo! Bad boy, you're not following the diet. Give me a cookie and I won't tell."

"I don't have any cookies."

"Do so."

"Do not."

"Do so."

"DO NOT!" Frodo screamed, jumping up and running away. Sam still hadn't taken off those holiday pounds and couldn't follow quickly enough. However, it wasn't needed, because Frodo was stopped soon enough…by two falling anvils. Actually, they weren't anvils at all. It was Merry and Pippin.

"Give us the freaking cookies!" they yelled in unison. "You can't hide them forever!"

"Oh yes I can!" Frodo screamed, kicking them both in a pretty bad place. They let go, and he started running again.

"The pain…the pain…," Merry groaned.

"Let it out…Merry…let it out," Pippin croaked.

"Hey, have you two seen…oh damn! He's getting away!" Sam yelled. "COME BACK WITH THOSE COOKIES!"

So all three chased after him. Gandalf saw them and followed them with…um…special wizardy powers. Sam, Merry, and Pippin were pinning Frodo to the ground and tickling his armpits.

"No…no…stop it…aha ha…that tickles!"

"Yesss! The cookies!" Sam said, taking the package from him. He held it away from Merry and Pippin's greedy arms and opened it, eating a cookie.

"No…." Frodo groaned in despair.

"What the…what's happening to me!"

Sam was growing! He grew and grew and grew until he was…almost the size of a normal man. "Cool! You guys are all the way down there!"

"Give me one goddammit!" Merry yelled, snatching the package away, but only after climbing onto Pippin's shoulders. He ate a cookie and grew as well! Pippin ate one and soon Frodo was the only short one left.

"I got the cookies, so I should get to have one too!" he pleaded. "Please give me a cookie!"

"Why should we? You're the greedy one who wanted to keep them all to yourself! And you know we're on diets, too!"

"Well, I just wanted to get laid, okay!"

"Laid? How are cookies gonna get you laid?"

So Frodo told them everything the shadowrider told him. Sam, Merry, and Pippin all sat with their mouths hanging open, in the snow.

"So it's that easy?" Sam asked at last.

"Yeah, and now that we're tall, it's gonna be easier!"

"YEAH!"

"Hold it right there!"

Gandalf came out of the bushes. "I heard the whole thing and I must say I am outraged at you boys for several reasons! 1.) Frodo, you talked to a shadowrider!; 2.) All of you are plotting to go over to the dark side!; 3.) You used a non-magical, scientifically explainable object to make yourselves get bigger!; and last but not least 4.) You're planning to get laid without me!"

"Party pooper at 3:00!" Pippin cried. All three hobbits leapt up and started running up a hill.

"You boys can't join the dark side! You'll get laid more than I do and I get laid more than anybody in Middle Earth, except maybe Golem! I can't let you break my record!"

So he chased them up the hill. The boys were running and using the glowing, radioactive cookies as their lamp, but Gandalf had nothing and kept tripping over things.

"Stop! I order you to stop! I---ah!"

He had a heart attack, fell down, and rolled down the hill, 100% dead. The hobbits stopped to watch.

"You know, I always wondered how the old geezer managed to climb treacherous mountains and jump across pits without having a coronary," Frodo said thoughtfully.

"Should we have a breif moment of respect?" asked Merry. "…. …. Nah."

They laughed and continued up the hill, radioactive cookies leading the way.