1 bPart Two/b

Two pairs of eyes watched her actions anxiously, unable to conceal the worry lurking within them. Such observation made Liz feel as though she had been placed under a microscope, her actions assessed, evaluated and found wanting. Inwardly, she sighed despondently. As soon as she had stepped into the Jetta, she had suspected that this would happen.

After an uncomfortably silent trip to Roswell, Kyle and Maria had trailed her into her home; darting quick looks at each other which carried a seemingly unspoken communication that Liz heard loud and clear.

"Must be careful with her. She is in shock. Why won't she say anything?"

Liz shook her head, her breath shaking out of her body as she forced her legs to move around the room. She didn't feel like standing still at the moment – standing still meant having to think, and she didn't want to do that right now.

"Liz," Maria spoke tentatively, shattering the gloom that hung over them all like a shroud. "Chica, are you okay?"

At Liz's continual silence, Kyle placed his hand on the blonde's arm, his face earnest but hesitant. "Perhaps we should leave her alone…" His voice trailed off as Liz spoke suddenly, her voice unusually husky.

"Guys, I'm fine…I just…I want to be alone right now." She glanced up, her eyes pleading. "Please, Maria, Kyle. Just go home. We can talk later." Liz forced a smile, knowing deep down inside that that was what they really wanted to see right now. They needn't know that the effort alone was killing her.

Maria's curls bounced as she tilted her head, her narrow gaze sweeping Liz's form. "But you will call me if you need me…" she said, half in warning as she stepped forward in order to hug her friend. Liz nodded against her shoulder, and Maria squeezed her tightly.

Maria knew her best friend, had known her since she was a little girl. Liz needed someone all right, but Maria wasn't that person. She stepped back and watched as Kyle swept her up in an embrace, whispering to her softly. Kyle, even if he wanted to be, just wasn't the person either. Disgruntled, Maria sighed. She knew who Liz really needed right now….and it was also the person whom Liz didn't need.

However, if Maria knew Max and she prided herself on the fact that she did, as soon as he got back to Roswell, he would be climbing that fire escape ladder.

"Thank you, Kyle," Liz smiled half heartedly as Kyle's murmurs of reassurance and threats of bodily harm towards one dark haired alien ebbed away. "I'll be fine," she stated again. "Just go and drop Kyle home, Maria. And…well, I guess you had better go pick them up."

Kyle attempted a demonic laugh as he felt himself being pushed towards the front door by a short, mumbling blonde. "We can always leave them there," he suggested. "No one need ever know."

Liz grinned, a little more genuinely this time. "Go!" she ordered, pointing out the door she held open for them. Pouting in mock disappointment, Kyle saluted as he left, leaving Maria to shout a quick bye before the door closed behind them.

As soon as the door closed, Liz felt the smile drop from her face, and she sighed tiredly. The walk up to her room had never seemed so long.

****

The sunlight that filtered into her room quickly dimmed to darkness as Liz wandered about her room, her fingers reaching out to touch things as though rediscovering them. A frown puckered her brow as she moved almost dreamily, her steps taking her towards the brick wall within her bedroom. Her fingers itched to do something she had not been able to do in what felt like such a long time, her actions reminding her just how much she had missed it. It – committing her thoughts to paper, the words which never seem to come as easily as they had once she had written them down.

Crouching low, Liz worked the brick from its place, her nails scratching against the hard texture. Her fingers played over the leather briefly in contemplation before she withdrew her journal from its hiding place.

Instinctively, her steps took her out onto her balcony and she sat easily on the lawn chair that was so familiar yet somehow felt so different, her dark hair sweeping the pages as she began to write.

'Sometimes,' she wrote 'it takes a tragic event to make you stop and realise, for your eyes to open to a truth you are too blind to see. The more important things in life that we all seem to take for granted. Shared laughter between friends; a long look that no one else appears to understand. I suppose this is one thing I should thank Tess for. Because of her, I have realised what is important...'

She paused, her pen hovering in thought. Her judgment seemed so confused, a confusion that she thought not even writing could clear up. With a snap, she closed the book and threw it, all of her pent up anger behind the feat. The journal hit the wall with a thud, its pages rustling as it fell to the ground and lay there, neglected. Liz watched it all with impassive eyes.

In hindsight, Liz had been expecting them, yet the words still had the power to startle her when she heard them carried upon the evening breeze. Her head rose and her body stiffened in reaction.

"Liz, can I come up?"

She thought that she said yes. She was sure that her lips moved to form the word, however, Liz herself could not hear it. Resigned, Liz had known that this moment would come; that she would have to step out of her self imposed cocoon and confront the world, yet part of her wished that she could remain in oblivion where the pain of the world would not reach for at least a little while longer.

Liz must have spoken, as all too soon, the familiar dark head appeared above the top rung, an uncertain smile playing upon trembling lips. His feet thudded upon the ground, the only sound in a world that had suddenly gone quiet. He stood comfortably, despite his hesitant smile, and looked none the worse for wear from his little walk in the desert, even though Liz knew that Maria had gone back for them.

Her gaze resolute, Liz stared at Max, who fidgeted uneasily under her gaze. His mouth opened before shutting without uttering a word.

"I can imagine what you are feeling right now."

The words shattered the silence. A car alarm shrieked into the night, a peal of obnoxious laughter rang out. The world continued to turn and Liz continued to breathe.

Liz shook her head. "No, I don't think that you can." Part of her was somewhat incredulous that he could even say that. He had no idea what she was feeling right now, no idea at all.

"Then speak to me, Liz," Max pleaded, his voice urgent. "Make me understand."

With a steadfast glaze, Liz looked at him appraisingly. Her words rang harshly out into the night, uttered without mercy. "It feels as though you have killed me." It was a simple statement; one that came exploding from the depths of a soul she no longer believed she had. "My life doesn't mean anything without love, and it is that love that it feels as though you have destroyed."

Max paled, the colour leeching out of his face so quickly; he was a stark white within a few seconds. "Liz!" he cried, anguished. "God, you would not believe how sorry I am. I've made so many mistakes…."

Without another word, Liz turned and climbed through her window, instinctively putting much needed distance between them and halted, her eyes staring unseeing as Max's stricken face appeared within the opening.

"You look so much like you did when you came to me," Liz remarked dreamily, only half aware of what she was saying as her memories loomed painfully.

Max shook his head. "What?" he asked, completely confused.

Her eyes focused once again on him, sharpening quickly as total realisation took hold. "Everything was for nothing!" she spat, her voice shaking with her dismayed anger. "No matter what I did, what I sacrificed, she left anyway!" Her chest rose and fell quickly with her harsh breathing and Liz closed her eyes, trying to restrain herself.

Max felt his eyebrows rise at Liz's inexplicable anger. Everything was for nothing? He quite honestly had no idea what she was talking about. "Liz," he began patiently, unwilling to incur her wrath. "I'm sorry, but I don't know what you are talking about."

Her eyes shot daggers as she focused upon him, her lips curling into a sneer. "Your precious Tess," she snarled, the anger she had contained suddenly exploding.

Max's head snapped back as though she had sucker punched him. "'My precious Tess'?" he echoed, reaching out to gently move her aside in order to enter her bedroom via the window. He pretended to ignore the way Liz shook off his touch and stormed over to the other side of the room. "Liz, Tess is….I mean, Tess was….does this have anything to do with you and Kyle?" he asked hesitantly. "I mean, you said that…that you had saved…" he blushed, unable to repeat the words she had spoken with such disappointment. The mere thought of the words had the power to revoke the feelings of shame and dishonour within him. He watched as Liz's dark hair flew around her shoulders as she marched past him, slightly startled when she stopped abruptly in front of her full length mirror.

With a hand that trembled slightly, she reached out and touched the reflection of a person she didn't recognise, the face that she thought she had known so well, twisted with anger that she had never felt before. The image terrified her and the sight had an instant effect. Feeling as though a pail of cold water had been splashed over her, her anger dissipated as quickly as it had arrived, and Liz's shoulders slumped slightly as feelings of despair nearly overwhelmed her. Raising her eyes, Liz met Max's confused ones within the reflection.

"Sit down, Max," she spoke tiredly, her emotions too jumbled to discern a single one. Helplessness, confusion, dejection: together, they whirled around and around her mind without stopping.

Looking around cautiously, Max perched atop her bed, his eyes dull with pain. Liz remained where she was, unable to move to sit beside him as she once would have.

"What's wrong, Liz?" Max asked quietly. "Please tell me."

Liz swallowed, strangely nervous despite herself. "I didn't sleep with Kyle, Max. I never have."

Max released his breath as a huge gust, the words ricocheting around him. "I didn't sleep with Kyle." "I didn't sleep with Kyle." His entire body seemed to go limp with relief at the confirmation.

Liz smiled sadly at his reaction, so obvious were the emotions flickering across his face. "But you already knew that," she told him, letting him see her own pain caused by having to lie to him.

Shakily, Max raised his hand and, despite herself, Liz placed her own within it. Tugging her forward, his expressive eyes gazed up into hers. "Why?" he asked hoarsely. "Why pretend, why…?" He shook his head, unable to finish.

With her free hand and unable to help herself, she trailed her fingers down his cheek, smiling as he leaned into the caress. "Because you told me to."

Max was still, his hand, amidst capturing Liz's fingers cradling his cheek, held up between them. "What?" he asked, his tone incredulous.

"I did it because you told me to," Liz responded patiently. "It wasn't the you that I see before me…it was you 14 years from the future."

He felt his heart give a little leap from within his chest. "Liz…" he begun, his words interrupted by a quick shake of her head.

"Max, I'm not crazy. Hear me out. Please." She waited until he nodded before continuing. "The night that you had come to serenade me, I had known that you were coming. I wasn't alone on my balcony…you were already there with me," she choked slightly and allowed herself to be guided onto the bed beside him before continuing, her voice stronger. "I had been standing in front of my mirror, playing……well," she blushed, "it isn't important. I remember it was as though everything had suddenly gone quiet for some reason, and I could feel the hairs at the back of my neck prickle. Perhaps I knew that something was about to happen, something big. Then, I heard a noise outside my window. Dread filled me as I went to see what it was, and there you were….only you were different. Older. Longer hair." Liz unconsciously allowed admiration to creep into her voice. "Wearing leather."

She cleared her throat when Max raised an eyebrow. "I was convinced that he was a Skin, a shape shifter – anyone than who he really claimed to be. Max: 14 years from the future. It was like from a bad science fiction movie. I didn't want to believe, and I denied it all, saying that time travel was impossible. It was then when he told me about the serenade, the white roses. He wanted to convince me that he was speaking the truth…and he stood there as everything came true. I had to believe, I had to trust him."

Dread overwhelmed Max as he watched Liz discreetly wipe a tear away. He yearned to do it for her, yet something about her stopped him. She sat there, beside him, looking as fragile as glass and completely untouchable. Every so often, her body would tremble with the still raw memory.

"Tell me why I was there, Liz," Max prodded, wishing to get it over and done with.

She drew in a deep breath, her skin translucent in the moonlight. "He wanted me to change it…to change the future. A future where you and I could never be." She placed her hand over his mouth when his eyes flashed, his intention to speak clear. "No," she said, sharply. "Let me finish. I need to do this quickly. Max, he told me that 20 minutes before he had come to me, he had been holding Michael in his arms, dead…"

Max's eyes widened as they filled with shock. "No!" he exclaimed, his breath coming fast. Another devastating thought occurred to him, and he shook his head, almost afraid to ask.

Her eyes sad, Liz confirmed what he had only just begun to suspect. "Isabel had been killed two weeks before."

Max bent over as though he had had the breath knocked out of him. "God," he groaned raggedly. "Why? How could this have happened?"

"You were weak. Your powers weren't as strong with only the three of you…" Liz heard her voice go brittle as Max looked up at her dubiously. "Tess had left Roswell, taking with her your chances of gaining real power. She had left because…because we, you and I, were together. In every sense," she stressed, painfully but needing to get it said. "We had gotten married when we turned 19."

His breath caught. Married? "And I came back…" he said slowly.

"To stop Tess from ever leaving, to keep the four of you together. And in order to do this, he asked for my help. He wanted to stop us from ever getting together…because that is what caused everything to begin with." She shook her head, her voice quiet. "The end of the world."

"No!" Max growled, standing abruptly from his seat and pacing the room angrily. "I don't believe this! How could it be that because of two people, the end of the world was brought about?"

Liz felt helpless in the face of his anger. "Max, I don't know – I just know that is the way it happened, and that we had to stop it. That is why I set everything up with Kyle. My first attempt hadn't worked…" she nodded grimly in response to the realisation dawning in Max's eyes. "Yes, my speech about wanting normal boys, it was all a lie. I even went to Tess….but nothing was working. My pretending to be with Kyle was the last straw. I knew that you were going to arrive that night with Gomez tickets…and I knew that it was important that I not go on that date with you. You see, it was that night, future Max told me, that sealed everything between us. It was the night that we first made love."

Max felt his ear tinge with pink as he remembered that night. His excitement mixed with nervousness, his love for Liz. He remembered how he had carefully placed a condom in his wallet…only to throw it away after seeing Liz with Kyle, bitter tears streaming down his face. It wasn't long after that Tess had stumbled across him….Tess…

He felt his stomach sink in realisation and, desperately, he whirled about. "Liz, what happens now? Tess has left Roswell anyway." Momentarily distracted, he felt his lips curl into a sneer as he thought of her betrayal.

"I don't know," Liz whispered.

Max looked grim, his brow furrowed with thought. Inwardly, he damned his future self whom had complicated things so thoroughly, causing such pain to so many people. Wincing, he thought back to all of the horrible things he had said to Liz, done to Liz. Words spoken in anger, actions made in haste…..sleeping with Tess…. He felt sick at the thought, his own unintentional betrayal to his feelings for Liz. Liz, whom he had to make up so much for.

Striding over to her, he clasped her hand and drew her towards him. "Liz, I have so much to apologise for…I don't even know where to start," he murmured hurriedly. He swallowed thickly, his words a desperate plea. "Liz, you have to give me a second chance…an opportunity to prove myself, to prove to you that you can trust me again. We can work through this, I know that we can. Please, believe me! I never wanted to hurt you…."

Liz's eyes never faltered as she withdrew her hand from his grasp. "Max," Liz spoke sharply, her face angular with the determination she could feel rising within her. He halted mid sentence, startled at her sudden interruption. "I'm not going to get back together with you," she told him with brutal honesty, urging herself to continue even as Max's face seemed to collapse with distress. "Not yet, anyway," she added, pushing him gently towards the window. She had told him all that she needed to, now she needed time alone. She had to think this through, work out what she wanted, what she needed.

"But, Liz," Max protested, his voice shaking slightly.

Liz shook her head. "Max, last year, you said that we needed to take a step back in order for you to regain your balance and I did that. I did it for you. Circumstances are different now, and now it is time for me to regain my own balance. Max, I need this….I need this space from you right now. Everything has just collapsed around me and I need the time to figure it all out. You, of all people, should understand that."

Numbly, Max nodded. Yes, he remembered all too well the night he had appeared on this same balcony, asking for time. He remembered the confusion he had felt, overwhelming his senses.

He looked into her troubled eyes and saw someone completely different. She had lost the innocence and joy that had once cloaked her, leaving a stranger in its place. Inwardly, he mourned the loss and felt anger directed towards himself for the part he had played in innocence lost.

"If that is what you want," Max said hoarsely, climbing back out the window to crouch beside the sill.

She followed him to the window and stood there, an invisible barrier seemingly between them.

"That is what I need," she whispered, her eyes resolute.

Their words echoed that of a night long ago, the memory sobering the pair. So much was still unresolved, yet the pain of stepping back overwhelmed every other thought. Tess, the baby…everything was put to the side as they gazed into each other's eyes for one brief moment.

Max nodded once briskly and stood, making his way towards the ladder.

"Max," Liz called behind him, causing him to halt his steps.

"You may want to think yourself…of what you really want."

Max turned, his crooked smile gleaming from the darkness. "Liz, this isn't finished, not by a long shot. Before I am done, you will realise that is the one thing that will never change. What I want….it is always you."

The image of a curly haired blonde flashed in her mind, its passage breaking her heart and sadly, Liz waited until the sound of his car driving off into the night echoed around her before whispering. "Not always."

TBC