Chapter Five: Cowardice and Rage

There was a sudden light. There was a sudden darkness. Light. Darkness. Twisting, turning... Endless shadows. An odd experience of deja-vu.... And then, suddenly, all was clear. The shadows spread out, separated, formed into light and dark. A lake, and above.. thousands of stars...
Schatten smiled. It was the same.. always the same. 'I wonder if he does this on purpose,' he thought. 'It couldn't just be coincidence.... The mind almost always makes things a little different each time...'
He could see him, standing there, watching the water move with the wind. Waiting..... A zephyr blew through his blood-red locks, tossing his bangs and eartails about. Beautiful... He was beautiful. An angel....
Silently the telepath glided towards him, watching him for a moment as a tiger might watch its prey before rushing in for the kill. Ah, but Schatten was no tiger... And his lover was no prey animal.
Closer, closer, ever closer he crept, until finally he was right behind him. Still, he said nothing, merely reached out and slipped his arms around the angel's waist, breathing in the scent of his hair. /Ah,/ he thought to himself. /So perfect..../
"....Schatten?" Ran whispered, staring out at the lake, unmoving. His voice was soft, gentle, causing the eyes of the telepath to smile. "....Is that you?"
Schatten smiled. "Who else could it be?" he murmured, holding the crimson-haired angel close to him. Of course, there -could- be a 'someone else'... After all, there -was- one with the same abilities as himself... But Schatten brushed these thoughts aside. He wasn't here, not now.....
Ran gave no reply to the question, merely sighed, closing his eyes as a smile flickered across his lips. "I'm glad you're here," he whispered, turning around to bury his face in the telepath's fiery mane. "I need you...."
Schatten fronted inwardly, but did his best not to let it show. ".....Having problems with the other one again?" he said softly, gently tightening his hold. He didn't say the name of the 'other'. He rarely did...
"...Not more than usual," his lover replied bitterly. He allowed himself to trail off slightly as he tried to relax, breathing in the minty scent of Schatten's hair. "It's just... It bothers me, the way he messes around...." He gritted his teeth at the thought. //Sometimes... It feels as if... As if I'm just not good enough for him... As if he wants something that I just can't give him....//
Schatten froze. Something... Something... He remembered thinking the exact same thing about Ran... His Ran. Ai..... The exact same thing.
"Don't say that," he whispered, voice shaking. "Don't...."
His lover pulled away slightly, opening his eyes to stare at the emerald-eyed dreamwalker, confusion on his face. "...Why...?"
"Because you -are- good enough," Schatten replied, gently reaching up to touch Ran's cheek. "You're too good for him... and me...." Just like Ai was too good for me, he thought. Much too good for me...
For a moment Ran said nothing, merely stared at the telepath... then he closed his eyes and pressed a kiss to Schatten's lips, wrapping his arms around his neck. //... Thank you, Schatten,// he whispered mentally. //Thank you..../

The kiss was broken, and smiles were exchanged between the two. It was like so many times before... Schatten wondered if there would come a time when he would not be able to lift his lover's spirits... He hoped that time wouldn't come. He didn't want a repeat of what had happened last time... He didn't want to lose him this time. No....
Ran interrupted his thoughts with a kiss on the cheek. "I love you," he whispered, voice barely audible. "You do know that, right?" Amethyst eyes gazed into emerald, a hint of question to them....
For a moment, Schatten froze. Love, he thought? Why would he love me? After all, he has the other... Much as I hate it... And he won't ever really have me... I'll always just be someone who sees him in his dreams....
In that moment, the telepath's heart sank. That was all he was... a dreamwalker, a shadow-lover. Nothing real...
"...I know," he murmured, closing his eyes. "I know... And I love you too..." Or do I? he thought. Do I love you... Or do I love my memories? He had asked himself that question so many times before... Was this all just a facade? Was he trying to fool himself, trick his own mind into believing that somewhere Ai didn't exist, that he was still Ran, the person he had always been...? He didn't know. Perhaps... He'd never know...
Ran frowned slightly, gnawing his lip as he studied his lover's face. "What's wrong?" he asked, voice soft. "You look... sick, or something..."
Schatten blinked, shaking his head. "N... no... I'm fine. Really..." He couldn't hide the tone of his voice. It shook, it wavered, like ripples on a stream.... He cringed inwardly. Damn those memories....
"You're not fine," Ran whispered, his eyes narrowing slightly. "Don't lie to me... You know I hate it when you lie to me.."
"I'm... not lying," Schatten replied. //Damn,// he thought to himself. No matter how hard he tried, he could never even speak the simplest word of a lie to Ran... Never...
"You -are-... Now, come on, what's wrong?" His lover frowned, gently touching the telepath's cheek. "Tell me, please..."
No. That was the immediate thought that sprang into Schatten's mind. No. I can't tell him that I'm in love with the memory of his mirror-image... He'd think I'm crazy. Or even worse... He'd want to know more....

There was an odd feeling about the air, an bizarre sort of -something-, which tingled his senses. He knew that feeling... He'd felt it so many times before, when he'd gone into Ran's dreams. An intruder... The one who always came, at the worst moments. The one he hated so much- it was a hate that couldn't even be described. The hatred for oneself....
Desperately, he tried to ignore it. He put up shield over shield over shield, in attempt to drown out the feeling of invasion and concentrate on the task at hand. It wasn't easy, certainly... The feeling continued to linger there in the back of his mind, always there, always taunting him and mocking him....
Sighing, Schatten looked at his lover. He -would- ignore the invasion... He -would-. Now was not the time to busy himself with worrying about trans-dimensional counterparts... If he didn't find some way to satisfy Ran, then he would be in more trouble than any mental invasion could ever bring. The redhead was stubborn as could be, and even when he was in a cheerful mood he would never let the slightest problem pass without putting up a fight. Some sort of excuse -had- to work on him, right? ...Right...?
"Schatten, are you even -listening- to me?" His lover's words were cold, betraying his irritation.
"No... I'm not." There, he said it. He cringed slightly, waiting for the glare... Yet, it didn't come. No glare, no outburst- just calmness.
"You know... Sometimes, you're so stubborn, I can't stand it," Ran murmured. "Stubborn, and secretive..." He frowned, eyes narrowing slightly. "I can't hide things from you- so you shouldn't hide things from me."
The words stung, cold as they were. He'd heard those words, before... So many times before...
No, he thought. It's happening again....
"I'm sorry," he whispered, voice barely audible. "I didn't mean to.. I mean.." He struggled with the words, searching... But they didn't come.
For a moment, silence. He felt so odd- there was something strange about Ran's gaze. Yet... he couldn't bring himself to read his lover's mind. Never. Those amethyst eyes stared at him, studied him, seemed to see through him, see through his mask....
Finally, Ran spoke. "It's all right," he murmured, tearing his eyes away. "I shouldn't have-" He paused, eyes narrowing slightly. "...Schatten...?"
"...Yes...?"
"What's this...?" Gently, Ran brushed his fingers against the telepath's neck, running them along the thin, papercut-like wound that he had acquired that very night. Schatten cringed slightly at the touch and batted his lover's hand away, his cheeks flushing as he did so.
"It's just... ah... I was in a little accident," he mumbled, turning away. "It was nothing... I'm fine." Gods, he thought... Please, don't ask questions. Don't ask questions....
Ran's eyes narrowed and he grabbed Schatten's wrist, a frown present on his face. "No," he growled, gritting his teeth. "You're lying again, Schatten... Don't lie to me..." The tone of his voice was cold, like frost upon a window. It was all the telepath could do to stop himself from whimpering, lashing out and retreating like a wounded bobcat. And so, he turned to his lover, eyes filled with waves of emotion.
"I'm sorry," he whispered as he took Ran's hand. "So sorry..."
For a moment, their eyes locked. Only one moment... Only one -second-. But as soon as that second had passed, there was a flash of darkness... And Ran fell to the ground as if hit by a mage's spell.