All Disclaimers in Part One. Sorry for the delay, folks, but the holidays and a nasty computer virus played serious havoc with my writing schedule. Anyway, this is slowly drawing to a close; maybe two more chapters, and it will be done. ( Hope you'll like this part as much as the last one … and thanks to everybody who's given me feedback so far. It's been very much appreciated. DB



Letters 2: Choices

By Dagmar Buse





Kimberly to Tommy

"Dearest Tommy,

I'm so sorry I hurt you again. Please believe me, I never meant to do that, but this time I really couldn't help it. When you asked me to marry you last night … for a second there, I was the happiest woman on Earth. I love you so much, and I'd dreamed of that moment for so long – practically from the first time you kissed me. And you did do it perfectly; so much so that I wanted to cry, it was so beautiful. Only – then I remembered why I sent you that first letter. And that's what made me say no.

Tommy … I still have that letter you sent me to Florida; that last one which I never really answered. Remember that you nearly proposed then? You told me about your dreams for the future, of how you wanted to have a family with me. Seven years ago, I wanted that, too. I still do, to be honest. But the truth is, no matter how much I may want it, it's not going to happen. Not for me, anyway. Tommy, my love – have you even realized that the operation I had to have to cure the cancer made it impossible for me to ever have children? Yours, or anyone else's? They cut out my womb, Tommy. I just don't have the equipment anymore to get pregnant.

I understand why you want children of your own – of your body, as they say. I think, if I were in your shoes, I'd feel the same. And I'd like nothing more than to give them to you, if I still could. Only, I can't. That's why I turned you down. I couldn't live with the thought that you'd have to give up your dreams just for me, or worse, that you would come to regret it one day to have married me when all our friends have kids and you won't because you chose me. That would kill me for sure – just as it nearly killed me to say no to you last night.

My only hope now is that you can forgive me for hurting you again, and that you'll find somebody else one day who can help you fulfill that dream. And that despite this, I won't lose you. Please, if you can find it in your heart, I'd like to at least remain your friend, even if I can't marry you.

Love, Kim."



Jason folded the single sheet of pink stationery into the envelope and handed it back to his best friend. "Man," he muttered, knowing it was hopelessly inadequate but at a loss for anything else to say.

"Yeah," Tommy sighed dejectedly.

The two young men sat silently in their shared kitchen where Jason had found Tommy slumped over the table at three am, staring at a bottle of beer. It had been opened, but the level showed that Tommy had only taken a couple of swallows at most. "That's not going to help, Bro," Jason said quietly as he sank into a chair opposite his friend, trying to give what help he could by simply being there.

Tommy didn't answer, just shrugged. But he let go of the brown bottle and pushed it about two inches away – enough to reassure Jason that he wouldn't seek solace in alcohol. Not that he'd really feared it, he knew Tommy better than that, but still …

"Wanna talk about it?" he offered.

"Not really," Tommy mumbled. "But I guess I'd better."

*Well, FINALLY!* Jason couldn't help thinking. Although he was dead tired, he prepared himself for a lengthy discussion. It looked as if Tommy had learned his lesson this time around and wasn't going to withdraw into a shell of pain and wounded pride, but rather turn to his friends for help.

"Let me make some tea, okay? We'll talk better with something to hold on to." Jason started busying himself setting out mugs, a teapot and their jar of herbal tea; he was not about to flood his system with caffeine at this time of night. As he waited for the water to boil, he thought back on the events of earlier in the evening, which were finally making sense now.

***Flashback***

Jason hadn't seen Tommy all day, but when he came home from teaching a late class at the dojo and found his best friend sitting morosely on the couch, he was shocked by his haggard appearance.

"Hi. You look like Hell," he told his best friend and colleague bluntly. "What happened? Kim dump you again?" He'd only meant it as a joke; the two had been so obviously happy and in love since Kim had finally come clean about the real reason why she'd broken up with Tommy that Jason was totally unprepared for the violent flinch and wounded look Tommy gave him. Instantly worried, Jason hurried over and was about to grill Tommy on whatever had passed between him and Kimberly, when he was stopped by the doorbell.

"Damn. Don't go anywhere; I'll get it."

Intent on foisting off whoever was disturbing them at such an inopportune moment, Jason did NOT expect to find Kimberly in the hallway. She was pale, her eyes were red-rimmed, and she looked as bad, if not worse, than Tommy.

"I-is Tommy here?" she asked in a subdued voice that shook ever so slightly. "I … I need to talk to him. If he'll see me."

Wordlessly, barely able to rein in his now rampant curiosity, Jason let her in and watched her pass. Kim stopped in the doorway to the living room and waited tensely until Tommy looked up. When he did, he blanched, but rose slowly.

"Kim…?" Tommy had whispered hoarsely, sudden hope in his eyes.

"Tommy," she'd replied, sounding unsure and very, very weary. Jason instantly wanted to hug her, she seemed so lost, but thought Tommy might deck him if he interfered in any way now. Instead, he looked at his best friend, trying to gauge his reaction. It wasn't long in coming, and much more controlled than Jason had given him credit for – especially after having seen how genuinely upset Tommy was.

"Why are you here?" Tommy even managed to keep his tone fairly neutral.

"To apologize," Kim murmured, clutching her small purse to stop her fingers from trembling. "I shouldn't have run away last night."

"Then why did you?" Desperation mixed with longing was audible in the light tenor.

"Because I couldn't stand the thought that I'd hurt you again. I honestly didn't mean to, Tommy," she explained. "But you took me so much by surprise … I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry," Kimberly added in a tear- choked voice.

Tommy considered this for a minute, then nodded tightly. "I guess I can accept that," he replied slowly. "Okay. But now? What about now," he pressed, the hopeful expression naked on his face.

Jason, who had as yet no clear idea about what had happened between his friends, just a few vague suspicions, held his breath, trying to fade into the background. He sensed that this was a very crucial moment for Tommy and Kim.

The petite brunette swayed slightly as she swallowed, then raised pain- filled eyes to the tall young man standing only a few feet away. It might as well have been miles. Biting her lip to keep it from quivering, Kim reached into her purse and withdrew a slim pink envelope.

"I- I wrote you a letter," she whispered brokenly.

She held it out to Tommy, who looked at it as if it were a snake about to strike at him with poisoned fangs.

"Please, read it," she begged, a big tear rolling down one cheek. "Tommy …I only wrote it because I needed to put down what I have to tell you, so that I wouldn't forget anything, or get distracted." Kim gulped. "I … I'm not trying to blow you off with this; if you still want to talk with me after you've seen it, I'll be here. Only, I'm afraid if I tried to tell you all this, I'd start crying, and then you'll never know why I HAVE to turn you down. I don't want to," she started to sob, but controlled herself with an effort.

When Tommy made no move to take the letter, Kim laid it on the coffee table.She straightened again and gazed at him with sad eyes.

"Please. Just read it," she repeated. "You'll understand then." She turned slowly and walked out. Jason could see from his position against the wall that tears had begun to trickle down her pale face unhindered, and his heart went out to Kim. She was so obviously suffering … as much as the stony-faced Tommy.

Just as Kim reached the hallway, Tommy jerked out of his near-paralysis and took a single step, almost as if to follow her.

"Kimberly …!"

She stopped, her back to him. "Y-yes?"

"I love you," he said, despair clearly visible in every line of his body.

Kim shuddered once, but didn't look back. "I know. I love you, too." Shoulders shaking , she left.

***End Flashback***



When Tommy continued to stare holes into the table top, Jason quietly replaced the barely-touched beer bottle with a mug of tea, then sat back down. He waited a few more moments for Tommy to start talking, but when that didn't happen, he placed a hand on his best friend's arm. He had a feeling Tommy needed some kind of physical comfort now, and between the two of them that had always been freely given and accepted.

"So what exactly happened between you and Kim?" Jason asked softly. "I gather you proposed to her and she said no?" It was stating the obvious, but the conversation had to be started somehow.

Tommy's breath caught, then he exhaled very slowly. He closed his eyes.

"Yeah," he whispered at last.

"I'm sorry," he murmured sincerely. After a beat, Jason decided to continue questioning his friend; it seemed as if he would be able to give answers at least. "From what she wrote, it's because she can't have children anymore …"

Tommy looked up at that.

"Really?" he wondered skeptically. "Is that her reason?"

Puzzled, Jason stared into the brown eyes, then quickly unfolded Kim's letter once more. It was but a moment's effort to find the relevant passage. He pointed it out.

"Sure. She said so, right here."

Dully, Tommy gazed at the words blurring on the pink sheet. He shrugged. "Whatever."

Jason felt more confused than before. Wanting to understand Tommy's reaction, he skimmed the few sentences once more.

"She says that she's turned you down because you want kids of your own and she can't give them to you," he paraphrased. "What's so hard to understand about that? She does it because she doesn't want you to have to bury your dreams. Actually, come to think of it, it's a pretty noble thing to do for Kim. It can't be easy for her."

That brought a response from Tommy.

"Easy? Easy??? You think it's easy for me to have my heart broken by her AGAIN, when we'd only just gotten back together? How can she DO this to me?" he burst out.

Jason nearly recoiled, but held on to his temper. Tommy wasn't stupid; why was it that he completely missed the point on this? *Because he loves Kim so much,* Jason realized. *It's blinding him to everything else. Well, then I've just got to make him see.*

"No, I don't think that," he said with forced calm. "But Tom … right now, I think you're only seeing what this is doing to you. What about Kim, though? Do you honestly believe she wants to be doing this? To you, OR to herself? Because if that's what you think, you don't know her nearly half as well as you damn well should."

The stern note in Jason's deep voice was perhaps the only thing that could make Tommy pause and start using his numbed brain again. He did so, with obvious reluctance – because he had to admit that Jason was only too right.

"I … no," he mumbled, shamefacedly.

"Hmph," Jason grunted, only partially mollified. He continued to think about the mess his friends were in – because it was quite obvious that both, Tommy and Kimberly, were suffering. Out of his musings, he directed another question at Tommy.

"What Kim said, about you not realizing … were you aware that she can't have kids anymore?"

Tommy waited for long moments before he answered.

"I … I guess. When Kim told me the truth after Tanya and Adam's wedding about why she broke up with me the first time, she mentioned something, I think … but at the time, I was just so happy to hear that she still loved me, it must've kinda slipped past me," he said haltingly. "At least consciously, you know? I mean, I knew, yeah, but at the same time somehow I didn't …"

A terrible suspicion began to form in Jason's mind. He could see Tommy's position, and didn't really blame him for momentarily ignoring the obvious – after all, he'd deserved his time of perfect happiness with Kim, but surely a sense of reality had come back after a while … hadn't it?

"Tommy … you did tell her it doesn't matter, didn't you?"

Jason groaned when Tommy only lowered his head and blushed.

"Well, did you?" he asked intently, hoping against a rapidly dwindling hope.

His best friend gave the tiniest of headshakes, but it was enough. Jason took several deep, calming breaths to stop him from reaching over and literally shake some sense into Tommy. How could he be so blind and not see what was right in front of his nose?

"And you still went ahead and asked her to marry you? Without making yourself perfectly clear on that point? Tommy, how could you?!?"

Helplessly, Tommy shrugged. "I love her," he whispered, as if that excused everything.

Jason sighed. *God, what a mess. Again.*

"I don't think that's enough, Tom," he said slowly. "Not in this situation. I'm sorry, but I think that you've brought this on all by yourself for once – hurting both you and Kim. You really should have thought this through before you did anything so important."

"I- I guess," the other murmured reluctantly.

For a while, the young men sat silently in the dark kitchen, sipping their tea and lost in their own thoughts while the sounds of the night filtered distantly through the windows. At long last, Tommy spoke up.

"I really didn't think about what I'd told Kim about wanting a family; to be honest, that was about the furthest thing from my mind. All I knew was, I had her back, I was happier than I've been in a very long time, and I wanted that feeling to last … well, forever," he said. He raised a hurt look to Jason's face. "Is that so wrong?"

His heart going out to his best friend, Jason summoned a smile and gripped Tommy's hand in his.

"No, it's not. The two of you deserve to be happy. And I hope you know that the whole gang was very happy for you, too. But Bro … you can't have it both ways."

"I know," Tommy replied miserably.

Another silence settled between them until Jason asked a question that had him rather puzzled.

"Why is it so important for you to have biological children, anyway? I mean, you're adopted yourself – and I've seen the relationship you have with your folks. You must know that it's way better than for a lot of 'normal' families."

"Yes, but … Jase, I really can't explain it. Maybe only another adoptee can truly understand my feelings; I dunno. There's a … a hole somewhere inside of me that I don't think anything else can fill."

"What about David?" Jason reminded him. "He's real family."

"Not the same. Not quite. Maybe if we had grown up together it'd be different, but like it is now … we don't exactly live in the same world, if you know what I mean." Tommy was referring to his Native American heritage, of course; David was fully integrated in that culture in a way Tommy couldn't be, and frankly didn't want to be. Not because he thought it in any way inferior or worse, it was just something that didn't call to him like it called to his brother.

"Yeah, I think I do," Jason admitted. "Man, this sucks."

"Majorly."

The two shared wry grins that were rather wan. Suddenly feeling very tired – it was the wee hours before dawn, after all – Jason suppressed a yawn as he rose from his chair and placed his mug into the sink. Turning around, he stood and contemplated his best friend, who still sat slumped over at the kitchen table, nursing a half-full cup of tepid tea. He wanted very much to find a way, some magic words to help Tommy and Kimberly, but this was a situation that only Tommy himself could resolve – one way or the other.

"Tommy … I hate to tell you this, but this is a decision you'll have to make on your own. I wish I could help you more, but I can't. Do you want Kimberly, or do you want kids of your own? It's either/or. You've got to make up your mind what's ultimately more important to you, and then live with that decision."

"Yeah," Tommy sighed. "I just wish it was easier."

"Unfortunately, it isn't." Jason slowly went to the doorway. Just before he left the dark room, he addressed Tommy once more. There was one piece of advice he absolutely had to give him.

"And Bro? Don't wait too long. It wouldn't be fair to yourself, and it definitely wouldn't be fair to Kim. She's made all the tough choices so far, placing your happiness above her own. Not just once, but twice." He waited a beat to let that sink in, then continued inexorably, knowing that it was hard for Tommy to accept, but it had to be said.

"You didn't deserve to have your heart broken, my friend. But neither does Kim deserve to be kept hanging. She's waiting for your decision. Please don't make her wait too long."

Tommy's shoulders shook in what could have been a silent sob, but he didn't reply. Instead, he just buried his face in his hands, a picture of abject misery. Jason wished he could do more, but knew he'd said enough for one night. Now it was up to Tommy.

"If you need me, you know where to find me," he said softly. "For anything." Then he left to go to bed.

Tommy stayed at the kitchen table, his thoughts whirling as chaotically as his emotions.

*I love Kim. I want to marry her. But I also want children of my own. Which she can never give me. Do I love her enough to give up one dream for another?*

He didn't know.

Either choice would cause pain. The question was – would he hurt just Kimberly by essentially rejecting her for something that wasn't her fault, or himself by denying himself the chance to pass on a legacy that would otherwise be lost forever?

Tommy sat staring into the darkness, oblivious to the new dawn slowly approaching in the distance.

It was going to be a very long night.



To Be Continued …