Note: Sometimes, losing net access for a few days does wonders for one's
creativity. The time you find for other things … like writing … *shakes
head* Anyway, thanks again, everybody, for commenting so nicely and
encouraging me. This was supposed to be finished about 30 pages ago … shows
you what I know. ( But I'm nearly done … hopefully, I managed to make sense
out of what I *wanted* to express. Be so kind and tell me if I succeded?DB
1 Letters 2: The End … Or The Beginning?
1.1 By Dagmar Buse
"Well?"
Kat didn't pretend not to understand when Jason all but pounced on her when she arrived at the Red Dragon dojo after hours. It was the day after her heart-to-heart talk with Kimberly, and she'd come to report. *NOT because I want to see Jason again. Not at all. No way.*
"Kim's doing as well as can be expected," she sighed, entering Jason's office and closing the door behind her. She perched on the desk where he was dealing with the day's paperwork. "From what I could see and you've told me, about as well as Tommy."
Jason groaned and covered his eyes. "That bad, huh?"
"What did you think? That Kim's all relieved and happy about the situation?!?" the blonde asked indignantly. "Newsflash – she's NOT!"
"No, of course not," Jason hastened to reassure her. He tiredly rubbed his temples; the day at the dojo had been beset with one minor disaster after the other, and he was beginning to develop one doozy of a headache. "I just thought … oh hell, I don't know what I thought. I guess I was just hoping that somehow, something would happen that would make everybody's problems disappear like that for once." He snapped his fingers.
"Sorry," Kat said with genuine compassion, reading his body language quite accurately now and realizing that her friend had had a very trying day. "But as that's hardly likely –"
"Try impossible," he interjected drily.
"Quite. Anyway, we can only do what I told Kim," she murmured, getting up and stepping behind the muscular young man, starting to massage his neck and scalp gently until she could feel him relax. Softly, she related the gist of her conversation with Kim, the observations she'd made and the conclusions she'd drawn. It wasn't the easiest thing in the world, as Kat had to balance giving an account that was both truthful, concise … and didn't betray any confidences Kim had shared in good faith.
"Mmm. Don't stop," Jason moaned gratefully, listening intently while revelling in the massage. "What else did you tell her?"
"Basically, sit tight and wait for Tommy to make up his mind," she answered quietly, her fingertips soothing stress and burgeoning pain away. "Just like you told him to do."
Jason grimaced and gently disengaged himself from Kat's wonderful ministrations. He was getting ideas that very definitely were premature … if exceedingly pleasant. To cover his sudden excitement, he poured some cool fruit juice from a thermos jug on a filing cabinet. Handing a glass to Kat, he started prowling around the room and took a long drink. "In other words, we'll still be waiting next century," he groused, knowing how long his best friend sometimes took for decisions of a personal nature – rather in contrast to his leadership abilities, where he'd been perfectly capable of acting quickly and determinedly.
"Oh come on, Tommy's not that bad," Kat protested loyally, but had to grin at Jason's look, which clearly asked 'wanna bet?'. "Well, maybe he is," she conceded with a twinkle and dove into her own glass, to hide her involuntary amusement. She still loved Tommy dearly as a friend, but she was not blind to his faults. As was Jason.
"No maybe about it. But you're right, it's out of our hands now. Let's just hope that we can deal with the fallout, whatever Tommy decides to do."
"Amen," the dancer muttered, and didn't object when Jason drew her against his broad chest in a comforting embrace.
~*~
"I wish I knew what do do," Tommy moaned as he was visiting his parents. He'd had to listen to a lot of well-meaning advice from his friends, most notably Kat and Jason, but he was no nearer to a solution to his conundrum than he'd been after Kimberly had brought by her second letter. Katherine had tried her best to make him understand Kim's reasoning, but instead of helping him see his way it only compounded the issue.
"How can I help Kim deal with her feelings if I can't even sort out my own?" he asked plaintively. "I mean, I love her, but I also want a family …"
Beth Oliver tugged at his ponytail, not quite playfully, as she passed behind him with a tray full of sandwiches.
"Ow!" Tommy jerked out of his mother's reach. "What was that for?!?" The chocolate eyes looked both hurt and bewildered. This was the kind of gentle punishment Beth used to mete out when he was being more than commonly dense.
"You could always adopt later, you know," she said with a mild rebuke that brought an embarrassed flush to Tommy's face. "After all, I happen to believe that both you and we didn't do too badly in that regard."
Tommy apologized mutely with a sheepish grin and a quick squeeze of the hand nearest to him.
"I know. Sorry. But …" he shrugged, feeling helpless and unable to explain. "It just doesn't feel the same, somehow."
Jeff Oliver drank deeply of his coffee. When his mug was half-empty, he leaned forward, selected a sandwich and bit into it. Chewing and swallowing his mouthful thoughtfully, he fixed his tall son with a somber gaze.
"I'm afraid we can't help you with this, Tommy," he said finally. "I'm honored and grateful that you love and trust us enough to share your problem with us, but this is a decision that you'll have to make all by yourself."
"That's what Jason says, too," Tommy sighed dejectedly. Deep down, he now realized, he'd harbored a remnant of the childish belief that Mom and Dad could make everything allright. That hope, it seemed, had been in vain.
"Jason has a very good sense of what's right, of when to interfere and when not to," Beth murmured. "I've always liked that in him."
"He's a good friend to you," Jeff nodded.
"The best. I doubt I could've gotten through this again if he hadn't been there for me," Tommy agreed emphatically. "The rest of the gang is great, too, but Jase – he's something else. Always has been."
The Olivers lapsed into silence as they ate; all three of them had formed close ties in Angel Grove since they'd moved there after several years of 'wandering' due to Jeffrey's job requirements at the time. Not the least of those friendships had grown with the families of Tommy's friends. When at last the platter of food was empty and fresh coffee brewed and served, Tommy regarded his parents rather solemnly, an unasked question clearly hovering on the tip of his tongue. However, he wouldn't ask, even though it was obvious he wanted to. Finally, Beth took pity on her son.
"What is it, Tommy? You obviously haven't come here just to avoid having to fix your own dinner," she asked, a hint of teasing in her pleasant contralto voice.
He started and actually looked a bit guilty. "How'd you know?" he fumbled. Beth smiled in a way only mothers can.
"Honey, I've known you since you were a baby just starting to toddle. Give me some credit for maternal instinct, even though I may not have actually born you." She was surprised as Tommy's countenance turned rather grave.
"That's exactly it," he said softly.
"What is?" Beth queried, puzzled.
"About me being not your biological child. I mean, I know you love me and everything, and I couldn't wish for better parents, but these last few days, when I thought about Kim and me … I couldn't help wondering how you felt when you found out you couldn't have kids." Tommy sent an apologetic glance towards his parents. "I'm not trying to pry if you'd rather not talk about it, but I'd really like to know."
The elder Olivers exchanged a long look, both having grown a bit pale. Jeff slowly rose from his comfortable slouch into a hunched-over sitting position and Beth abandoned her armchair to sit beside her husband, reaching for his hands. Tommy was beginning to squirm; it was quite apparent he'd hit a pretty sore spot. Hastily, he tried to backtrack.
"I'm sorry, Mom, I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable," he muttered.
"About what?" Beth's voice was calm, but with an underlying tremor.
Tommy blushed, flustered. "About you being … well, barren."
Jeffrey's head jerked up and he visibly tensed. Beth touched him reassuringly, and when he gazed at her for a small eternity, she finally nodded minutely. Tommy could sense that something undefinable passed between his parents at that moment, something that concerned him, somehow, and his pulse quickened a little. "Mom? Dad?"
Jeffrey Oliver breathed deeply, shuddered briefly and grasped his wife's hand firmly.
"But that's just it, Tommy," he said bravely at last. "Your mother isn't barren." He swallowed hard. "In fact, there's nothing wrong with her at all. Everything has always functioned as it should. You see … the reason we had to adopt is because I'm sterile."
That was a revelation Tommy hadn't expected at all, and he felt stunned. Incredulously, he stared at his mother who returned his look openly – and maybe with a touch of defiance, daring him to make any disparaging comment. After overcoming his first shock, Tommy knew much better.
"I had no idea," he whispered finally. "I always just assumed it was Mom who …"
"A lot of people do when a couple is childless, and not by choice," Beth said matter-of-factly. "Another one of the lovely gender stereotypes society is still riddled with." Both Oliver men grinned fleetingly at her dry tone; Beth was very opinionated about this issue. With good reason, they usually had to admit. "To be honest, it was my first reaction, too, at the time. So, when I didn't get pregnant after trying for a while, I went to my doctor. She did all the tests, but couldn't find any reason why no method worked."
Jeff Oliver took up the tale. "So, I went in for some testing myself. It wasn't easy, let me tell you; the procedure is pretty embarrassing for a guy. And the questions … you get to tell the most intimate things to a virtual stranger."
Tommy blushed against his will; he'd read and heard about the necessary methods for fertility tests, and to think of his father locked up in a cubicle with girlie magazines and a specimen jar – *NO! I'm NOT gonna think about that!* He snuck a peek at Jeff, and found him rather red-faced, too, but with a deprecating grin, as if he knew exactly what the younger man was imagining. He winked, and Tommy had to grin, sharing a moment of rare adult understanding with his dad.
"Anyway, turned out I truly was sterile; I'd contracted mumps my second year at college, but I never thought much about it. Actually, at the time it was more embarrassing than anything else – I mean, I was an adult, with a children's disease?!? I'd never have visited my friend whose baby sister had mumps if I'd known then about the possible consequences … but I didn't, and your mother was having to pay for it."
Even after thirty years, there was still an echo of remorse and bitterness in Mr. Oliver's voice. Beth kissed his cheek comfortingly.
"It wasn't your fault, dear," she murmured with a loving smile, which was gratefully returned by Jeff.
Tommy was loathe to break the tender moment, but he needed to know …
"What did you do, Dad?" he asked intently, as if the answer held the key to his own problem.
Jeff laughed shortly. "I offered your mother a divorce, if she wanted it," he said quietly. "I wasn't going to stand in her way if she felt that she couldn't live with being childless because of me."
Tommy reeled back as if struck. *That's what Kim did!* Only, Kimberly hadn't offered him a choice; she'd acted. Not once, but twice.
"Mom?" he asked hoarsely.
Beth had turned pale. Her hazel eyes held distant shadows as she met Tommy's urgent gaze, but her hand was clasped firmly in Jeff's as she answered the unspoken question.
"I- I'm still ashamed to admit that for a few days, I actually considered taking your Dad up on his offer," she said very softly. "I wasn't dealing with the situation very well, you know. All my friends were having babies, and I shouldn't? I knew no-one was to blame, but I felt so … so cheated, somehow …" Her voice trailed off as she relived those pain- filled days.
The Olivers were silent for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts, then Tommy couldn't contain his curiosity any longer.
"What made you change your mind?" he queried. "After all, you obviously didn't divorce Dad …"
Beth smiled mistily at the memory. "I remembered something," she said. "Something I'd almost forgotten."
"What was that?"
"The promise I made to your father on our wedding day. 'In good days and bad; in sickness and health …' I realized that I'd married your Dad because I loved him – the person he was, not what he could or could not give me. I used to think that that meant only worldly things – you know, money, a big house, social standing. Only now I knew it also meant things I'd just taken for granted."
"Children of your own," Tommy whispered, suddenly feeling closer to his parents than he had for a very long time.
"Yes. I went back to him right away, and we got through the disappointment together. Then, we found you to adopt, and the rest, as they say, is history." Both senior Olivers shared a smile of pure love and understanding – a glimpse into their relationship that Tommy had rarely seen before, but felt privileged to share.
There was much, much more to the story, and Tommy asked eager questions that were answered freely throughout the evening. When it was time for him to leave, he hugged both his mother and father with genuine feeling.
"Thanks for telling me," he murmured. "You've given me a lot to think about."
"As long as it helps you, son," Jeff Oliver replied. Beth just nodded, and the older couple stood arm in arm as they watched him drive away to his own home. It was a picture that stayed with Tommy for the longest time.
~*~
When he let himself into the apartment, he found Jason sprawled in his armchair, reading and listening to some quiet music, an instrumental piece that Tommy couldn't identify but found rather relaxing. His best friend looked up from his book.
"Hi," he greeted Tommy. "How are your folks?"
"Okay," Tommy answered, settling himself on the couch. He didn't exactly want to tell Jason everything his parents had revealed – some things were too private, even for best friends – but felt compelled to share at least some of his thoughts. "We … we had a talk. A good one," he added.
Instantly interested, Jason sat up. Putting a bookmark into his book, he gave Tommy his full attention.
"About what? You and Kim?"
"N-no. Not exactly," Tommy hesitated. How much could he reveal to Jason? "Mostly about how they came to adopt me." Which was true enough. Only not the whole truth. Would Jason be satisfied with the answer, though?
He wasn't; he knew Tommy well enough to sense that a lot more had happened tonight. However, he was too polite and considerate to pry. *This is NOT the time to press for details.*
"I see," was all Jason would say. "Did it help?"
Tommy's small grin conceded that Jason had judged the main topic of conversation correctly. "Some," he sighed. "At least I've got tons of stuff to think about. As if I hadn't had enough already," he groused.
"Well, get on with it already," Jason admonished Tommy. The slightly hurt look he got in return made him chuckle. "Well, you are taking your sweet time about making up your mind!"
"You think it's easy?" Tommy complained. "This is different from deciding whether to buy a red or a green shirt, you know!"
"Yes, I do," Jason contritely replied. "Sorry."
"'S okay," came the listless reply. "Man, I wish I knew someone who could give me a definite answer – a solution, y'know? Someone who'd just tell me 'Do this' or 'do that' and it'd be the right way."
"I don't think there is a right way," Jason said thoughtfully. "There'll always be shades of grey … maybe the best you can hope for is to find the way that'll hurt the least for everybody."
"Yeah. But I still wish there was a person who could really relate to my problem."
"Your family can't?"
"To a degree. But Mom and Dad were already married when they found out. Their situation was different."
It didn't seem all that different to Jason, but he held his peace. He wasn't about to argue that with Tommy again. No, he was getting at something else.
"What about the rest of your family?"
Tommy shook his head no. "Uncle John never wanted kids, and I'm not close enough to Mom's cousins or Dad's brother to ask them about stuff like this. They never really approved of them having adopted me in the first place." He grimaced at some memories of his more distant relatives' attitudes.
"I didn't mean them," Jason sighed at Tommy's obtuseness. "I meant YOUR family."
"Huh?"
"David and Sam, idiot! Your brother and great-uncle!"
To his credit, Tommy looked thunderstruck and vaguely ashamed. "I- oh." He mentally kicked himself. Here he was, bemoaning the possible loss of a hypothetical biological family, when he had blood relatives to consult!
"I am an idiot!"
"Duh, Bro," Jason grinned, then wisely absented himself as fast as possible, leaving Tommy behind to sputter indignantly at this latest show of friendly support.
~*~
Sam Trueheart sat half-concealed in his favorite chair, content to stay unnoticed as he watched his foster-son's brother explain his dilemma haltingly but steadily. He had never met the young woman Tommy cared so deeply about, but even so the wise old man could tell how much the separation affected the young man.
David heard his brother out with few questions, then lapsed into a thoughtful silence as he absorbed everything he'd just learned. Sam had taught him not to make snap judgements, but to consider carefully every piece of advice he might want to give – be it solicited or unsolicited. Finally, he cleared his throat.
"Tommy … I wish I could help you, but I'm afraid I can't, either. I've always known that every child born to the Tribe is as much my child as it is its parents'; it's the way things are – here. Nobody needs to feel deprived of a family because we all are family. Not always a happy one," he smiled, forestalling a possible comment, "or even a very quiet one. We do have our share of problems; who doesn't? But, I have my place in this family whether I ever add to it or not. As do you, if you should care to accept it," David added quietly. He'd come to terms with the fact that his and Tommy's way of life often diverged, due to their different upbringing, but he needed to remind his brother of that once more.
"Thanks, that means a lot," Tommy said. "But, it's not what I want. I want Kim, and I want kids. I know I'm probably very selfish, but I just can't help myself. I mean, having real relatives is great, and I appreciate it more than I can say. Meeting you and Sam was one of the best things I could've wished for. It's more than I ever thought I'd have, too, but it's not what I always thought of when I imagined my family, you know?"
He shrugged, at a loss to explain himself any better. David gripped his shoulder consolingly, as helpless to offer advice as Tommy felt.
"I guess," David murmured dubiously, wondering if he would ever understand completely the culture outside his tribe, which put so much emphasis on individuals instead of the community. Before he could try to formulate another reply, however, Sam spoke up from the shadows near the door.
"Tommy … what is family?"
"Er … what?" He frowned, puzzled by the non sequitur.
The old shaman moved closer, looking intently at the young man.
"What is family?" he repeated. Something about his tone told Tommy this wasn't an idle question, but rather a significant one. He took his time answering, knowing that Sam had the patience to wait until he was ready.
"Family is … parents, kids. Brothers, sisters, uncles … the whole relative bit," he fumbled at last.
"True. But is that all?"
Tommy looked baffled. "What more is there?"
If Sam had been the type, he'd have huffed impatiently. Instead, he just gave Tommy a look which made the former Ranger blush and squirm.
"Let me rephrase the question, then. What makes a family?"
Seeing that Tommy still didn't understand, Sam Trueheart patiently elaborated. "You have mentioned parents, siblings – everybody who might be connected to you by blood. Call it genetics, if you will. But is that enough to really make a family out of a group of people thrown together by mere biology?" He gave 'family' the same inflection that Tommy had used towards David a few minutes ago, and was rewarded with a light dawning in Tommy's eyes.
"Nnooo, I don't think so," Tommy replied slowly. He could feel that he was on the trail of a very important discovery. "If it were, there wouldn't be any abusive parents, or kids neglecting their kin."
"Go on," Sam nodded approvingly. David leaned back in his chair, seeing what his foster father was getting at. Sam usually had a way to make a person face the intangible. He hid a smile. He'd had a hard time himself when he'd learned he had a younger brother living elsewhere and why that was necessary, but said brother was being even more thick-headed than David had been. For all his accomplishments, Tommy could be so blind to the truly important things in life! Because he only stared at Sam, obviously confused. The older man sighed a little, but nudged him into the direction he wanted.
"What, then, is the element turning these biological groups into families?"
It was so obvious, Tommy hesitated to name it. But as he couldn't find an alternative, he finally drew a deep breath and just said it.
"Love. A family is made by love." As he uttered the word, he knew it in his bones to be true. Otherwise, his parents wouldn't have chosen him as their son, nor could he feel so comfortable and safe in their company, even as an adult.
"Exactly," Sam approved. "But there is still more."
"There is?" The brown eyes mirrored sudden interest. This promised to explain something Tommy so far had sensed only vaguely, but could never verbalize.
"But of course," the shaman smiled, in that wise and knowing way he had. "A true family bond is always three-fold. You have already identified two – the Bond of Blood, and the Bond of the Heart. Can you name the last one?"
Tommy racked his brain, but to no avail. "No," he had to confess.
"How strange, when you have experienced it for years, and in an intensity and depth I have rarely found elsewhere," Sam said enigmatically.
"I … I have?!?"
"Sure," David said softly. "Even I recognized it, when we found each other." There was no envy in his voice, rather a quiet rejoicing for his brother's good fortune.
Tommy was totally confused. What was it David and Sam had seen in his life, which people had they met who could qualify as 'family'? He had a feeling the answer was just out of his reach, that he really should know it, but for the life of him he couldn't find it.
"I don't get it," he admitted at last. "What bond, and with whom?"
Sam Trueheart sighed. How blind the young could be!
"It is maybe the most important bond of all, because it transcends all boundaries – of blood, of race, of culture or of gender. Once you have formed that bond with someone, you will never be alone. In some cases, it can even make up for the lack of the other two." His voice became very solemn. "It is the Bond of Spirit – the one thing that truly links one Human being to another."
Sam's words echoed in Tommy's mind as he thought about them, letting them sink into his very heart and soul. He had a Bond of Spirit? With whom? But almost immediately, images began to form before his mental eye.
*Kat. We share experiences like no-one else – having been evil once. Rocky, Adam and Aisha. Questing for the Power not once, but twice at my side. Trini and Zack. Having to leave the team. Billy. Forming a friendship that will last a lifetime, through separation and despite having NOTHING in common – or so we used to think. Tanya. Being the last to join a team that has been through so much already. Jason. My brother as much as David, if not more so – both by his choice and mine.*
And lastly, the most precious of all.
*Kimberly. The girl I loved from the first time I laid eyes on her. Who stood by me even though she had no reason to – when I'd disappointed her, hurt her, her friends … who had her Powers stolen by Rita and Zedd, regained them and lastly gave them up to a friend. Kim, who has shared so many of my dreams…and willingly gave up her own to preserve mine.*
At long last, Tommy understood. Made the leap from intellectual acceptance to bone-deep knowledge what it was that had prompted Kim to act as she had. How great a sacrifice she'd made for his sake. That he owed it to her to match that generosity of Spirit – either by accepting her wholeheartedly, without any reservation, or set her free without conditions. Finally, the former Ranger took the burden of Choice onto himself. Neither his friends, nor his family could do more than advise and offer support – which they'd done in abundance.
Now, it was up to him – as it had always been.
*My choice. MINE.*
And perversely, that realization set him free as nothing else had.
"I see," he whispered, awed and stunned by the epiphany he'd just experienced. "I really see."
Satisfied that it was so, Sam nodded.
~*~
"What was it you wanted to talk to me about?" Kim asked with some trepidation as she met Tommy in Angel Grove Park the next weekend. "You sounded so serious over the phone."
She feared very much that she knew all too well what Tommy wanted to tell her. His chocolate-brown eyes looked so somber; surely it meant that he was going to break up with her permanently. He'd reject her, if very gently, because she could no longer be what he wanted or needed in a wife. Well, it was nothing less than what she'd expected, but oh, it hurt so much! Despite everything, there had been one last shred of hope tucked away in the deepest corner of her heart that had refused to die, that had kept praying for a happy ending … the petite young woman was so upset and lost in regrets for what might have been, she never noticed where Tommy was leading her as they walked slowly around the lake – into a much less populated corner of the park.
Tommy had chosen their destination deliberately, having walked with Kim here once before – on a day that had changed his life, both in a negative and in a positive way. On that day over eight years ago, trying to screw up his courage to ask his friend on a first date, he couldn't have been more nervous than he was now when he was working up to discussing something equally important for their future. It seemed strangely appropriate that Kim would ask him the same question she had so long ago, using virtually the same words. However, it didn't look as if she was aware of the fact.
*Doesn't matter. Hopefully, today will go differently, anyway.*
After all, Goldar and the Putties were no more, destroyed forever by Zordon's sacrifice. Chasing away the sorrow that particular memory always evoked, Tommy concentrated on the woman beside him, her more sophisticated look of today overlaying the pigtails and baby-doll dress of yore.
"Yeah," Tommy said only, barely refraining from wringing his hands as he'd done at sixteen. "It is serious."
Next to him, Kimberly tensed and closed her eyes as she continued to put one foot in front of the other mechanically, waiting for the blow. She vowed to herself she was not going to cry. Not now, where Tommy could see. That would come later.
"Yes?" she managed to whisper. To her surprise, Tommy drew her to sit on a nearby boulder, taking her hands in his as he waited for her to look at him. When she couldn't, he smiled a bit ruefully, then launched into his explanation.
"Kim … first of all, I have to apologize for having waited so long to make a decision," he said softly.
"It's okay," she murmured. "You had every right."
"Not if it hurt you," he contradicted gently. Before Kim could protest, he laid a fingertip across her lips, shushing her. "Sshh. I know the waiting must've practically killed you. But that's not all."
Mutely, Kim stole a glance at him. He gave her a small smile.
"Kim … it took a while, and a lot of advice from our friends, my family – never mind the lectures I've had from Jase and Kat – for me to truly understand what you did by breaking up with me, and why you did it. I mean, I understood here –" he touched his temple, "but I needed to get it here, too." His hand came to rest briefly over his heart. "Now I do."
Kimberly had a rather wobbly smile for him. That was far more than she'd hoped for. "Then … you're not angry at me?"
"Angry?" Tommy exclaimed. "No!"
A bit of the tension left Kim's posture. "D-does that mean we c-can at least stay friends?" she whispered timidly.
Tommy nodded earnestly. "We'll always be friends," he promised. "No matter what."
"Th-thank you." So the sky hadn't darkened completely. That was something, at least. But Tommy wasn't finished yet.
"Kim … these past couple of weeks, I've been thinking a lot about the past. About how we met, how we got together … how it was without you. And how it felt to have found you again." He quirked a tiny grin. "You've probably guessed that I talked with a lot of folks," he admitted, blushing slightly. He'd wondered at himself because it went pretty much against his more usual loner ways. But for once, the need to open up couldn't be denied.
"Kat told me you went to Jason, and even Rocky," she nodded. "I don't mind, if it helped you."
*I just wish I'd have been as brave when I needed help …* But that was water under the bridge.
"Yeah. I also had rather intense talks with my Mom and Dad, David and Sam … actually, as good as it was to have Jase around, speaking to my family helped more. I learned things from them … things that made sense out of a lot of things going on in my mind."
"That's good," Kim commented when Tommy paused reflectively, wondering where this was leading. She found out as he continued.
"All of this has really been about family," Tommy mused, as much to himself as to Kim. "The one I have and don't have, the one I dreamed of … and of course about you and me, about what kind of family we could possibly have, given your condition and all. No, don't look like that," he admonished when she blanched. "I didn't mean it the way it sounded. You're not to blame for any of this. I know I'm doing this badly, but Kim … will you please hear me out? I need to explain, or at least try."
"S-sure," she hiccuped, torn between wanting to flee from the inevitable and wanting to stay with him every moment he let her. Tommy looked his thanks, then visibly gathered his thoughts.
"As I said, I did a lot of talking lately. And by doing that, I learned a lot of things – about myself, about what I really want – and mostly about what family really means. Rocky, and Jase most of all, showed me that there's no shame in asking for help from people who care about you. I learned from my parents that a relationship can survive almost anything as long as there's love. And Sam and David … they made me see that family isn't just what you're given at birth, but also who and what you choose it to be. Kim, my parents chose me for their son when they adopted me. You and the rest of the guys … you became my family through friendship and support, and because we had a common purpose."
"Yes, but that still leaves you without children if …" Kimberly couldn't go on; she just couldn't bring herself to refer to 'marriage' even in the most roundabout way, for fear of breaking down. It was her dearest wish to be Tommy's wife, but even as she was genuinely glad that he had gained so many valuable insights, it still didn't solve their problem – her inability to give him the biological family he so deserved. Tommy's fine words and noble sentiments … all they managed to do was cut her heart to shreds, no matter how gently they were spoken. The longer he took, the more she was afraid that he was leading up to a breakoff, would tell her a final 'good- bye'; she was in a dreadful state of suspense, waiting for the axe to fall. *If he HAS to dump me – and how can he do anything else? No matter how nice he's trying to be about it – can't he at least get it over with?* She lowered her head, to conceal the suspicious dampness in her eyes.
Tommy reached out and tilted Kim's face up until she had no choice but to look at him. His eyes did hold a trace of regret, but they were warm, loving even … and that confused the petite brunette.
"Kim – don't you know where we are? Don't you remember what happened here?"
"Huh?" Dazedly, Kimberly looked around. The lake was to the right of the path they'd come along, on the other side the area sloped down … she had a sudden flash of memory, of being nearly flung against the piece of rock they were sitting on by a Putty, and her morpher skittering just out of her reach. She'd been unable to help when Tommy, hair shorter and dressed in green, was being teleported away by more of Rita's minions.
"This … this is where Goldar kidnapped you to steal your Powers," she realized slowly. "When Rita used the Green Candle."
"Uh huh. And all because I was trying to ask you on a date. Remember?" Tommy reminded her with another small smile.
"You did afterwards," Kim sighed forlornly. The memory of that moment was still one of the sweetest she had. "After we couldn't help you, and you lost the Green Ranger Powers."
Tommy once more grasped her hands in his. His voice was intent, and made Kim look at him in surprise and wonder.
"You did help me," he contradicted her. "You, and Jase, and the others … you did everything you could. It wasn't your fault that it turned out not to be enough for once. The candle did burn down, and I had to give my Coin to Jason. That was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do until then – well, except maybe for facing you after Jase broke Rita's spell over me. You did save my life, though. And I'll always be grateful for that, at least."
"Still … you lost such an important part of your life that day, when you had to give up your Powers," Kim mourned. "I didn't understand then how terrible it must've been for you; I only did later, when Kat had taken my Coin, and when I had to leave the team to go to Florida."
"That's one experience we now share," Tommy said solemnly. "But Kim … it's taken me this long to see clearly how important you were in helping me cope. Not just that first time, but every time I lost something." He drew a deep breath. Now he was coming to the most important thing he'd learned through recent events. Hopefully, she'd understand.
"Kimberly, I've asked to meet you here, in this place, for a reason. Here is where my Powers were taken from me the first time. It was incredibly hard, yes, and it hurt a lot, too. But I got something in return – something that was just as important." He paused.
Kim hardly dared breathe. The things Tommy was talking about – they were among the fondest memories they both shared. Surely he wouldn't be so cruel as to remind her of those sweet days when their romance was just beginning if he was planning to send her packing? But how could he be doing anything else?!?
"W-what's that?" she asked, so softly Tommy nearly didn't hear.
"I gained you," he murmured, slipping an arm around her shoulder and hugging her close. He could feel her trembling, and buried his face briefly in the soft caramel locks. "Kim, when you told me you missed me … the way you looked at me … even though I was no longer a Ranger … that gave me the courage to ask you out."
"You kissed me first," Kim whispered wistfully, caught up in the memory, wishing he would do so again. *Just one more time … please, God?*
"Yeah," Tommy replied, remembering, wishing he dared do so again. But there were more things that had to be said first. *Please, God – make her understand that this is what I want!*
"Kim … if it hadn't been for you, for your love and support, I doubt I could've stood the loss of my Powers. I hurt so much, but you were always there, helping me, cheering me up – insisting on sharing my pain. Every time it happened. Twice with the Green Powers, then when Rito destroyed the Thunderzords … you were there, holding me up, sharing my pain and loss. And by doing so, by simply being there for me, unconditionally, you made it bearable. Without you at my side, without your love, I really don't know if I could have gone on. And I don't think I can ever make up to you for it." Tommy sighed, letting another kind of pain flood him, then deliberately dammed it up as he looked deeply into the doe eyes gazing up at him so compassionately. Time to choose once and for all.
"I want children. No, don't look away," he urged once more when Kim paled and would have averted her eyes. "I know you can't give them to me because of the cancer. And that hurts – more than I ever thought possible. But Kim – it would've hurt lots more if I'd lost you forever – to death, or to another guy. I know now that I can stand any pain as long as you're there with me to share it."
Was it possible? Could Tommy really mean what he was saying? Kim longed to believe with all her heart, but if he did … what had she done by leaving him? Didn't that mean that all the pain they both had gone through because of her decision was in vain?
"But what about your dreams, Tommy?" she choked. "All I ever wanted was to make your dreams come true. And now that I can't … that's why I left you! I love you too much to see you give them up!"
"I know that now," he said warmly. "But I also know this – I've come full circle, Kim. Yes, I'll be giving up something that's been very important to me. You're right about that much. But I realized that my dreams mean nothing to me if you're not a part of them. I can't have both, so I'll have to choose what's more important." His voice dropped very low. "That's you, Beautiful. I love you. I never stopped. I never will. You're the only woman I ever imagined having a family with. And if you're willing, we can build one together. Maybe not the one we imagined, but a family still. You and me, and what relatives we have – and our friends."
It was the hardest choice Tommy ever had to make. And now he had, it hadn't been hard at all.
"But- but what about Kat?" Kimberly asked, not yet daring to believe what she was hearing. Her heart beat a mile a minute, and she felt dizzy with excitement and confusion. "You dated her longer than you did me …"
Tommy coughed, slightly embarrassed. "In all the time with Kat, I never once imagined having kids with her. The one fantasy I had of being married to her involved grandkids who looked like me, not like her."
"Oh …" She really shouldn't feel so ridiculously pleased by that admission, but she couldn't help it.
"So, what do you say? Do you think you could help me deal with my choice?" Tommy asked. "Because this is it, you know."
Kimberly was trembling like a leaf by now. Her heart shouted 'yes, yes!', while her mind still tried to cope with such a complete reversal of her worst fears, and urged caution.
"What if you'll regret it one day? Choosing me over children?" she wanted to know, not yet trusting her good fortune. He didn't dismiss her concern, but answered honestly.
"I expect there'll be plenty of regrets in the future. Just thinking about everybody eventually having kids and knowing that it's not going to happen for us, ever, hurts like Hell." Kim's tears, held in check so firmly so long began to flow then, tracing silver tracks down her pale cheeks. Tommy wiped them away with unsteady fingers, his voice rough with emotion. "I could never regret loving you, though. That's why I choose you," he murmured, praying with all his might that she would believe him.
"Oh Tommy," Kim wept, "I never meant for you to have to make that choice!"
"I know. Instead you did it for me – for us. But I had to, anyway." He held her close, soothing her wordlessly. Then, he gently disengaged himself from Kim's clinging arms and cupped her wet face between his palms.
"Pain shared is pain halved, Kim. You taught me that a long time ago; I only forgot. It's going to be difficult for you, too, because I know how much you love kids. But I'd like to help you cope with it – if you're willing to help me. Do you think you can do that? For the rest of our lives? Together?"
A shy smile blossomed through the tears.
"I-if you're sure," she whispered, succumbing to her own most secret desire.
"As sure as I can be," Tommy replied, and sealed his commitment with a kiss as sweet and tender as the first they'd ever shared. When their lips finally parted, he looked into the moist, shining eyes of the woman he loved more than anything in the world. Mutely, because he was unable to speak for fear of saying something wrong at this pivotal moment, Tommy reached into his pocket and drew out a red velvet jeweller's box. Kim gasped in delight as he opened it and she saw the narrow band with three diamonds set close together. The significance wasn't lost on her – one lustrous stone for each time they found each other. Tommy's eyes asked silent permission, and she was unable to resist. At her tiny nod he slipped the ring over Kim's finger. It was a perfect fit.
"I've wanted to do that for a long time," he said, repeating his words from long ago. Kim laughed softly, remembering also.
"Me, too," she sniffled, happiness welling up inside of her and nearly taking her breath away. Where had all the fear and desperation gone? They had disappeared, to be replaced by a feeling of serenity she hadn't known in ages. The diamonds winked at her, shooting glittering sparks in the sunlight as she moved her hand to admire the exquisite ring. She felt as if similar fireworks were setting off within her, illuminating the hereto dark corners of her soul with their rainbow brightness.
"Now that that's over with, the next thing should be a piece of cake," Tommy said then, his expression happier than Kim had seen in a long time – not even when they had reconciled a few scant weeks ago. Because now the chocolate depths held a peace she'd rarely noticed before.
"Oh? What's that?" she dimpled up at her tall companion. The first time they'd had this conversation, Tommy had asked her to the dance … his smile was as loving as it had been then, but the look accompanying it was far more serious. She began to shake again, her pulse throbbing.
"Kimberly … will you be my wife?"
There was no way she could tease him as she'd done then. Not when her heart was singing and threatened to burst with happiness. Instead, Kim reached up and touched the lean cheek with her small hand in a gesture that somehow was more of a promise than the most passionate kiss. Her voice was the barest whisper as she accepted Tommy's choice and his right to make it, feeling both sorrow for what they had lost and a deep, pervading peace for what they were gaining in the fulfillment of their love.
"Yes."
~~***~~
To Be Continued In An Epilogue …
1 Letters 2: The End … Or The Beginning?
1.1 By Dagmar Buse
"Well?"
Kat didn't pretend not to understand when Jason all but pounced on her when she arrived at the Red Dragon dojo after hours. It was the day after her heart-to-heart talk with Kimberly, and she'd come to report. *NOT because I want to see Jason again. Not at all. No way.*
"Kim's doing as well as can be expected," she sighed, entering Jason's office and closing the door behind her. She perched on the desk where he was dealing with the day's paperwork. "From what I could see and you've told me, about as well as Tommy."
Jason groaned and covered his eyes. "That bad, huh?"
"What did you think? That Kim's all relieved and happy about the situation?!?" the blonde asked indignantly. "Newsflash – she's NOT!"
"No, of course not," Jason hastened to reassure her. He tiredly rubbed his temples; the day at the dojo had been beset with one minor disaster after the other, and he was beginning to develop one doozy of a headache. "I just thought … oh hell, I don't know what I thought. I guess I was just hoping that somehow, something would happen that would make everybody's problems disappear like that for once." He snapped his fingers.
"Sorry," Kat said with genuine compassion, reading his body language quite accurately now and realizing that her friend had had a very trying day. "But as that's hardly likely –"
"Try impossible," he interjected drily.
"Quite. Anyway, we can only do what I told Kim," she murmured, getting up and stepping behind the muscular young man, starting to massage his neck and scalp gently until she could feel him relax. Softly, she related the gist of her conversation with Kim, the observations she'd made and the conclusions she'd drawn. It wasn't the easiest thing in the world, as Kat had to balance giving an account that was both truthful, concise … and didn't betray any confidences Kim had shared in good faith.
"Mmm. Don't stop," Jason moaned gratefully, listening intently while revelling in the massage. "What else did you tell her?"
"Basically, sit tight and wait for Tommy to make up his mind," she answered quietly, her fingertips soothing stress and burgeoning pain away. "Just like you told him to do."
Jason grimaced and gently disengaged himself from Kat's wonderful ministrations. He was getting ideas that very definitely were premature … if exceedingly pleasant. To cover his sudden excitement, he poured some cool fruit juice from a thermos jug on a filing cabinet. Handing a glass to Kat, he started prowling around the room and took a long drink. "In other words, we'll still be waiting next century," he groused, knowing how long his best friend sometimes took for decisions of a personal nature – rather in contrast to his leadership abilities, where he'd been perfectly capable of acting quickly and determinedly.
"Oh come on, Tommy's not that bad," Kat protested loyally, but had to grin at Jason's look, which clearly asked 'wanna bet?'. "Well, maybe he is," she conceded with a twinkle and dove into her own glass, to hide her involuntary amusement. She still loved Tommy dearly as a friend, but she was not blind to his faults. As was Jason.
"No maybe about it. But you're right, it's out of our hands now. Let's just hope that we can deal with the fallout, whatever Tommy decides to do."
"Amen," the dancer muttered, and didn't object when Jason drew her against his broad chest in a comforting embrace.
~*~
"I wish I knew what do do," Tommy moaned as he was visiting his parents. He'd had to listen to a lot of well-meaning advice from his friends, most notably Kat and Jason, but he was no nearer to a solution to his conundrum than he'd been after Kimberly had brought by her second letter. Katherine had tried her best to make him understand Kim's reasoning, but instead of helping him see his way it only compounded the issue.
"How can I help Kim deal with her feelings if I can't even sort out my own?" he asked plaintively. "I mean, I love her, but I also want a family …"
Beth Oliver tugged at his ponytail, not quite playfully, as she passed behind him with a tray full of sandwiches.
"Ow!" Tommy jerked out of his mother's reach. "What was that for?!?" The chocolate eyes looked both hurt and bewildered. This was the kind of gentle punishment Beth used to mete out when he was being more than commonly dense.
"You could always adopt later, you know," she said with a mild rebuke that brought an embarrassed flush to Tommy's face. "After all, I happen to believe that both you and we didn't do too badly in that regard."
Tommy apologized mutely with a sheepish grin and a quick squeeze of the hand nearest to him.
"I know. Sorry. But …" he shrugged, feeling helpless and unable to explain. "It just doesn't feel the same, somehow."
Jeff Oliver drank deeply of his coffee. When his mug was half-empty, he leaned forward, selected a sandwich and bit into it. Chewing and swallowing his mouthful thoughtfully, he fixed his tall son with a somber gaze.
"I'm afraid we can't help you with this, Tommy," he said finally. "I'm honored and grateful that you love and trust us enough to share your problem with us, but this is a decision that you'll have to make all by yourself."
"That's what Jason says, too," Tommy sighed dejectedly. Deep down, he now realized, he'd harbored a remnant of the childish belief that Mom and Dad could make everything allright. That hope, it seemed, had been in vain.
"Jason has a very good sense of what's right, of when to interfere and when not to," Beth murmured. "I've always liked that in him."
"He's a good friend to you," Jeff nodded.
"The best. I doubt I could've gotten through this again if he hadn't been there for me," Tommy agreed emphatically. "The rest of the gang is great, too, but Jase – he's something else. Always has been."
The Olivers lapsed into silence as they ate; all three of them had formed close ties in Angel Grove since they'd moved there after several years of 'wandering' due to Jeffrey's job requirements at the time. Not the least of those friendships had grown with the families of Tommy's friends. When at last the platter of food was empty and fresh coffee brewed and served, Tommy regarded his parents rather solemnly, an unasked question clearly hovering on the tip of his tongue. However, he wouldn't ask, even though it was obvious he wanted to. Finally, Beth took pity on her son.
"What is it, Tommy? You obviously haven't come here just to avoid having to fix your own dinner," she asked, a hint of teasing in her pleasant contralto voice.
He started and actually looked a bit guilty. "How'd you know?" he fumbled. Beth smiled in a way only mothers can.
"Honey, I've known you since you were a baby just starting to toddle. Give me some credit for maternal instinct, even though I may not have actually born you." She was surprised as Tommy's countenance turned rather grave.
"That's exactly it," he said softly.
"What is?" Beth queried, puzzled.
"About me being not your biological child. I mean, I know you love me and everything, and I couldn't wish for better parents, but these last few days, when I thought about Kim and me … I couldn't help wondering how you felt when you found out you couldn't have kids." Tommy sent an apologetic glance towards his parents. "I'm not trying to pry if you'd rather not talk about it, but I'd really like to know."
The elder Olivers exchanged a long look, both having grown a bit pale. Jeff slowly rose from his comfortable slouch into a hunched-over sitting position and Beth abandoned her armchair to sit beside her husband, reaching for his hands. Tommy was beginning to squirm; it was quite apparent he'd hit a pretty sore spot. Hastily, he tried to backtrack.
"I'm sorry, Mom, I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable," he muttered.
"About what?" Beth's voice was calm, but with an underlying tremor.
Tommy blushed, flustered. "About you being … well, barren."
Jeffrey's head jerked up and he visibly tensed. Beth touched him reassuringly, and when he gazed at her for a small eternity, she finally nodded minutely. Tommy could sense that something undefinable passed between his parents at that moment, something that concerned him, somehow, and his pulse quickened a little. "Mom? Dad?"
Jeffrey Oliver breathed deeply, shuddered briefly and grasped his wife's hand firmly.
"But that's just it, Tommy," he said bravely at last. "Your mother isn't barren." He swallowed hard. "In fact, there's nothing wrong with her at all. Everything has always functioned as it should. You see … the reason we had to adopt is because I'm sterile."
That was a revelation Tommy hadn't expected at all, and he felt stunned. Incredulously, he stared at his mother who returned his look openly – and maybe with a touch of defiance, daring him to make any disparaging comment. After overcoming his first shock, Tommy knew much better.
"I had no idea," he whispered finally. "I always just assumed it was Mom who …"
"A lot of people do when a couple is childless, and not by choice," Beth said matter-of-factly. "Another one of the lovely gender stereotypes society is still riddled with." Both Oliver men grinned fleetingly at her dry tone; Beth was very opinionated about this issue. With good reason, they usually had to admit. "To be honest, it was my first reaction, too, at the time. So, when I didn't get pregnant after trying for a while, I went to my doctor. She did all the tests, but couldn't find any reason why no method worked."
Jeff Oliver took up the tale. "So, I went in for some testing myself. It wasn't easy, let me tell you; the procedure is pretty embarrassing for a guy. And the questions … you get to tell the most intimate things to a virtual stranger."
Tommy blushed against his will; he'd read and heard about the necessary methods for fertility tests, and to think of his father locked up in a cubicle with girlie magazines and a specimen jar – *NO! I'm NOT gonna think about that!* He snuck a peek at Jeff, and found him rather red-faced, too, but with a deprecating grin, as if he knew exactly what the younger man was imagining. He winked, and Tommy had to grin, sharing a moment of rare adult understanding with his dad.
"Anyway, turned out I truly was sterile; I'd contracted mumps my second year at college, but I never thought much about it. Actually, at the time it was more embarrassing than anything else – I mean, I was an adult, with a children's disease?!? I'd never have visited my friend whose baby sister had mumps if I'd known then about the possible consequences … but I didn't, and your mother was having to pay for it."
Even after thirty years, there was still an echo of remorse and bitterness in Mr. Oliver's voice. Beth kissed his cheek comfortingly.
"It wasn't your fault, dear," she murmured with a loving smile, which was gratefully returned by Jeff.
Tommy was loathe to break the tender moment, but he needed to know …
"What did you do, Dad?" he asked intently, as if the answer held the key to his own problem.
Jeff laughed shortly. "I offered your mother a divorce, if she wanted it," he said quietly. "I wasn't going to stand in her way if she felt that she couldn't live with being childless because of me."
Tommy reeled back as if struck. *That's what Kim did!* Only, Kimberly hadn't offered him a choice; she'd acted. Not once, but twice.
"Mom?" he asked hoarsely.
Beth had turned pale. Her hazel eyes held distant shadows as she met Tommy's urgent gaze, but her hand was clasped firmly in Jeff's as she answered the unspoken question.
"I- I'm still ashamed to admit that for a few days, I actually considered taking your Dad up on his offer," she said very softly. "I wasn't dealing with the situation very well, you know. All my friends were having babies, and I shouldn't? I knew no-one was to blame, but I felt so … so cheated, somehow …" Her voice trailed off as she relived those pain- filled days.
The Olivers were silent for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts, then Tommy couldn't contain his curiosity any longer.
"What made you change your mind?" he queried. "After all, you obviously didn't divorce Dad …"
Beth smiled mistily at the memory. "I remembered something," she said. "Something I'd almost forgotten."
"What was that?"
"The promise I made to your father on our wedding day. 'In good days and bad; in sickness and health …' I realized that I'd married your Dad because I loved him – the person he was, not what he could or could not give me. I used to think that that meant only worldly things – you know, money, a big house, social standing. Only now I knew it also meant things I'd just taken for granted."
"Children of your own," Tommy whispered, suddenly feeling closer to his parents than he had for a very long time.
"Yes. I went back to him right away, and we got through the disappointment together. Then, we found you to adopt, and the rest, as they say, is history." Both senior Olivers shared a smile of pure love and understanding – a glimpse into their relationship that Tommy had rarely seen before, but felt privileged to share.
There was much, much more to the story, and Tommy asked eager questions that were answered freely throughout the evening. When it was time for him to leave, he hugged both his mother and father with genuine feeling.
"Thanks for telling me," he murmured. "You've given me a lot to think about."
"As long as it helps you, son," Jeff Oliver replied. Beth just nodded, and the older couple stood arm in arm as they watched him drive away to his own home. It was a picture that stayed with Tommy for the longest time.
~*~
When he let himself into the apartment, he found Jason sprawled in his armchair, reading and listening to some quiet music, an instrumental piece that Tommy couldn't identify but found rather relaxing. His best friend looked up from his book.
"Hi," he greeted Tommy. "How are your folks?"
"Okay," Tommy answered, settling himself on the couch. He didn't exactly want to tell Jason everything his parents had revealed – some things were too private, even for best friends – but felt compelled to share at least some of his thoughts. "We … we had a talk. A good one," he added.
Instantly interested, Jason sat up. Putting a bookmark into his book, he gave Tommy his full attention.
"About what? You and Kim?"
"N-no. Not exactly," Tommy hesitated. How much could he reveal to Jason? "Mostly about how they came to adopt me." Which was true enough. Only not the whole truth. Would Jason be satisfied with the answer, though?
He wasn't; he knew Tommy well enough to sense that a lot more had happened tonight. However, he was too polite and considerate to pry. *This is NOT the time to press for details.*
"I see," was all Jason would say. "Did it help?"
Tommy's small grin conceded that Jason had judged the main topic of conversation correctly. "Some," he sighed. "At least I've got tons of stuff to think about. As if I hadn't had enough already," he groused.
"Well, get on with it already," Jason admonished Tommy. The slightly hurt look he got in return made him chuckle. "Well, you are taking your sweet time about making up your mind!"
"You think it's easy?" Tommy complained. "This is different from deciding whether to buy a red or a green shirt, you know!"
"Yes, I do," Jason contritely replied. "Sorry."
"'S okay," came the listless reply. "Man, I wish I knew someone who could give me a definite answer – a solution, y'know? Someone who'd just tell me 'Do this' or 'do that' and it'd be the right way."
"I don't think there is a right way," Jason said thoughtfully. "There'll always be shades of grey … maybe the best you can hope for is to find the way that'll hurt the least for everybody."
"Yeah. But I still wish there was a person who could really relate to my problem."
"Your family can't?"
"To a degree. But Mom and Dad were already married when they found out. Their situation was different."
It didn't seem all that different to Jason, but he held his peace. He wasn't about to argue that with Tommy again. No, he was getting at something else.
"What about the rest of your family?"
Tommy shook his head no. "Uncle John never wanted kids, and I'm not close enough to Mom's cousins or Dad's brother to ask them about stuff like this. They never really approved of them having adopted me in the first place." He grimaced at some memories of his more distant relatives' attitudes.
"I didn't mean them," Jason sighed at Tommy's obtuseness. "I meant YOUR family."
"Huh?"
"David and Sam, idiot! Your brother and great-uncle!"
To his credit, Tommy looked thunderstruck and vaguely ashamed. "I- oh." He mentally kicked himself. Here he was, bemoaning the possible loss of a hypothetical biological family, when he had blood relatives to consult!
"I am an idiot!"
"Duh, Bro," Jason grinned, then wisely absented himself as fast as possible, leaving Tommy behind to sputter indignantly at this latest show of friendly support.
~*~
Sam Trueheart sat half-concealed in his favorite chair, content to stay unnoticed as he watched his foster-son's brother explain his dilemma haltingly but steadily. He had never met the young woman Tommy cared so deeply about, but even so the wise old man could tell how much the separation affected the young man.
David heard his brother out with few questions, then lapsed into a thoughtful silence as he absorbed everything he'd just learned. Sam had taught him not to make snap judgements, but to consider carefully every piece of advice he might want to give – be it solicited or unsolicited. Finally, he cleared his throat.
"Tommy … I wish I could help you, but I'm afraid I can't, either. I've always known that every child born to the Tribe is as much my child as it is its parents'; it's the way things are – here. Nobody needs to feel deprived of a family because we all are family. Not always a happy one," he smiled, forestalling a possible comment, "or even a very quiet one. We do have our share of problems; who doesn't? But, I have my place in this family whether I ever add to it or not. As do you, if you should care to accept it," David added quietly. He'd come to terms with the fact that his and Tommy's way of life often diverged, due to their different upbringing, but he needed to remind his brother of that once more.
"Thanks, that means a lot," Tommy said. "But, it's not what I want. I want Kim, and I want kids. I know I'm probably very selfish, but I just can't help myself. I mean, having real relatives is great, and I appreciate it more than I can say. Meeting you and Sam was one of the best things I could've wished for. It's more than I ever thought I'd have, too, but it's not what I always thought of when I imagined my family, you know?"
He shrugged, at a loss to explain himself any better. David gripped his shoulder consolingly, as helpless to offer advice as Tommy felt.
"I guess," David murmured dubiously, wondering if he would ever understand completely the culture outside his tribe, which put so much emphasis on individuals instead of the community. Before he could try to formulate another reply, however, Sam spoke up from the shadows near the door.
"Tommy … what is family?"
"Er … what?" He frowned, puzzled by the non sequitur.
The old shaman moved closer, looking intently at the young man.
"What is family?" he repeated. Something about his tone told Tommy this wasn't an idle question, but rather a significant one. He took his time answering, knowing that Sam had the patience to wait until he was ready.
"Family is … parents, kids. Brothers, sisters, uncles … the whole relative bit," he fumbled at last.
"True. But is that all?"
Tommy looked baffled. "What more is there?"
If Sam had been the type, he'd have huffed impatiently. Instead, he just gave Tommy a look which made the former Ranger blush and squirm.
"Let me rephrase the question, then. What makes a family?"
Seeing that Tommy still didn't understand, Sam Trueheart patiently elaborated. "You have mentioned parents, siblings – everybody who might be connected to you by blood. Call it genetics, if you will. But is that enough to really make a family out of a group of people thrown together by mere biology?" He gave 'family' the same inflection that Tommy had used towards David a few minutes ago, and was rewarded with a light dawning in Tommy's eyes.
"Nnooo, I don't think so," Tommy replied slowly. He could feel that he was on the trail of a very important discovery. "If it were, there wouldn't be any abusive parents, or kids neglecting their kin."
"Go on," Sam nodded approvingly. David leaned back in his chair, seeing what his foster father was getting at. Sam usually had a way to make a person face the intangible. He hid a smile. He'd had a hard time himself when he'd learned he had a younger brother living elsewhere and why that was necessary, but said brother was being even more thick-headed than David had been. For all his accomplishments, Tommy could be so blind to the truly important things in life! Because he only stared at Sam, obviously confused. The older man sighed a little, but nudged him into the direction he wanted.
"What, then, is the element turning these biological groups into families?"
It was so obvious, Tommy hesitated to name it. But as he couldn't find an alternative, he finally drew a deep breath and just said it.
"Love. A family is made by love." As he uttered the word, he knew it in his bones to be true. Otherwise, his parents wouldn't have chosen him as their son, nor could he feel so comfortable and safe in their company, even as an adult.
"Exactly," Sam approved. "But there is still more."
"There is?" The brown eyes mirrored sudden interest. This promised to explain something Tommy so far had sensed only vaguely, but could never verbalize.
"But of course," the shaman smiled, in that wise and knowing way he had. "A true family bond is always three-fold. You have already identified two – the Bond of Blood, and the Bond of the Heart. Can you name the last one?"
Tommy racked his brain, but to no avail. "No," he had to confess.
"How strange, when you have experienced it for years, and in an intensity and depth I have rarely found elsewhere," Sam said enigmatically.
"I … I have?!?"
"Sure," David said softly. "Even I recognized it, when we found each other." There was no envy in his voice, rather a quiet rejoicing for his brother's good fortune.
Tommy was totally confused. What was it David and Sam had seen in his life, which people had they met who could qualify as 'family'? He had a feeling the answer was just out of his reach, that he really should know it, but for the life of him he couldn't find it.
"I don't get it," he admitted at last. "What bond, and with whom?"
Sam Trueheart sighed. How blind the young could be!
"It is maybe the most important bond of all, because it transcends all boundaries – of blood, of race, of culture or of gender. Once you have formed that bond with someone, you will never be alone. In some cases, it can even make up for the lack of the other two." His voice became very solemn. "It is the Bond of Spirit – the one thing that truly links one Human being to another."
Sam's words echoed in Tommy's mind as he thought about them, letting them sink into his very heart and soul. He had a Bond of Spirit? With whom? But almost immediately, images began to form before his mental eye.
*Kat. We share experiences like no-one else – having been evil once. Rocky, Adam and Aisha. Questing for the Power not once, but twice at my side. Trini and Zack. Having to leave the team. Billy. Forming a friendship that will last a lifetime, through separation and despite having NOTHING in common – or so we used to think. Tanya. Being the last to join a team that has been through so much already. Jason. My brother as much as David, if not more so – both by his choice and mine.*
And lastly, the most precious of all.
*Kimberly. The girl I loved from the first time I laid eyes on her. Who stood by me even though she had no reason to – when I'd disappointed her, hurt her, her friends … who had her Powers stolen by Rita and Zedd, regained them and lastly gave them up to a friend. Kim, who has shared so many of my dreams…and willingly gave up her own to preserve mine.*
At long last, Tommy understood. Made the leap from intellectual acceptance to bone-deep knowledge what it was that had prompted Kim to act as she had. How great a sacrifice she'd made for his sake. That he owed it to her to match that generosity of Spirit – either by accepting her wholeheartedly, without any reservation, or set her free without conditions. Finally, the former Ranger took the burden of Choice onto himself. Neither his friends, nor his family could do more than advise and offer support – which they'd done in abundance.
Now, it was up to him – as it had always been.
*My choice. MINE.*
And perversely, that realization set him free as nothing else had.
"I see," he whispered, awed and stunned by the epiphany he'd just experienced. "I really see."
Satisfied that it was so, Sam nodded.
~*~
"What was it you wanted to talk to me about?" Kim asked with some trepidation as she met Tommy in Angel Grove Park the next weekend. "You sounded so serious over the phone."
She feared very much that she knew all too well what Tommy wanted to tell her. His chocolate-brown eyes looked so somber; surely it meant that he was going to break up with her permanently. He'd reject her, if very gently, because she could no longer be what he wanted or needed in a wife. Well, it was nothing less than what she'd expected, but oh, it hurt so much! Despite everything, there had been one last shred of hope tucked away in the deepest corner of her heart that had refused to die, that had kept praying for a happy ending … the petite young woman was so upset and lost in regrets for what might have been, she never noticed where Tommy was leading her as they walked slowly around the lake – into a much less populated corner of the park.
Tommy had chosen their destination deliberately, having walked with Kim here once before – on a day that had changed his life, both in a negative and in a positive way. On that day over eight years ago, trying to screw up his courage to ask his friend on a first date, he couldn't have been more nervous than he was now when he was working up to discussing something equally important for their future. It seemed strangely appropriate that Kim would ask him the same question she had so long ago, using virtually the same words. However, it didn't look as if she was aware of the fact.
*Doesn't matter. Hopefully, today will go differently, anyway.*
After all, Goldar and the Putties were no more, destroyed forever by Zordon's sacrifice. Chasing away the sorrow that particular memory always evoked, Tommy concentrated on the woman beside him, her more sophisticated look of today overlaying the pigtails and baby-doll dress of yore.
"Yeah," Tommy said only, barely refraining from wringing his hands as he'd done at sixteen. "It is serious."
Next to him, Kimberly tensed and closed her eyes as she continued to put one foot in front of the other mechanically, waiting for the blow. She vowed to herself she was not going to cry. Not now, where Tommy could see. That would come later.
"Yes?" she managed to whisper. To her surprise, Tommy drew her to sit on a nearby boulder, taking her hands in his as he waited for her to look at him. When she couldn't, he smiled a bit ruefully, then launched into his explanation.
"Kim … first of all, I have to apologize for having waited so long to make a decision," he said softly.
"It's okay," she murmured. "You had every right."
"Not if it hurt you," he contradicted gently. Before Kim could protest, he laid a fingertip across her lips, shushing her. "Sshh. I know the waiting must've practically killed you. But that's not all."
Mutely, Kim stole a glance at him. He gave her a small smile.
"Kim … it took a while, and a lot of advice from our friends, my family – never mind the lectures I've had from Jase and Kat – for me to truly understand what you did by breaking up with me, and why you did it. I mean, I understood here –" he touched his temple, "but I needed to get it here, too." His hand came to rest briefly over his heart. "Now I do."
Kimberly had a rather wobbly smile for him. That was far more than she'd hoped for. "Then … you're not angry at me?"
"Angry?" Tommy exclaimed. "No!"
A bit of the tension left Kim's posture. "D-does that mean we c-can at least stay friends?" she whispered timidly.
Tommy nodded earnestly. "We'll always be friends," he promised. "No matter what."
"Th-thank you." So the sky hadn't darkened completely. That was something, at least. But Tommy wasn't finished yet.
"Kim … these past couple of weeks, I've been thinking a lot about the past. About how we met, how we got together … how it was without you. And how it felt to have found you again." He quirked a tiny grin. "You've probably guessed that I talked with a lot of folks," he admitted, blushing slightly. He'd wondered at himself because it went pretty much against his more usual loner ways. But for once, the need to open up couldn't be denied.
"Kat told me you went to Jason, and even Rocky," she nodded. "I don't mind, if it helped you."
*I just wish I'd have been as brave when I needed help …* But that was water under the bridge.
"Yeah. I also had rather intense talks with my Mom and Dad, David and Sam … actually, as good as it was to have Jase around, speaking to my family helped more. I learned things from them … things that made sense out of a lot of things going on in my mind."
"That's good," Kim commented when Tommy paused reflectively, wondering where this was leading. She found out as he continued.
"All of this has really been about family," Tommy mused, as much to himself as to Kim. "The one I have and don't have, the one I dreamed of … and of course about you and me, about what kind of family we could possibly have, given your condition and all. No, don't look like that," he admonished when she blanched. "I didn't mean it the way it sounded. You're not to blame for any of this. I know I'm doing this badly, but Kim … will you please hear me out? I need to explain, or at least try."
"S-sure," she hiccuped, torn between wanting to flee from the inevitable and wanting to stay with him every moment he let her. Tommy looked his thanks, then visibly gathered his thoughts.
"As I said, I did a lot of talking lately. And by doing that, I learned a lot of things – about myself, about what I really want – and mostly about what family really means. Rocky, and Jase most of all, showed me that there's no shame in asking for help from people who care about you. I learned from my parents that a relationship can survive almost anything as long as there's love. And Sam and David … they made me see that family isn't just what you're given at birth, but also who and what you choose it to be. Kim, my parents chose me for their son when they adopted me. You and the rest of the guys … you became my family through friendship and support, and because we had a common purpose."
"Yes, but that still leaves you without children if …" Kimberly couldn't go on; she just couldn't bring herself to refer to 'marriage' even in the most roundabout way, for fear of breaking down. It was her dearest wish to be Tommy's wife, but even as she was genuinely glad that he had gained so many valuable insights, it still didn't solve their problem – her inability to give him the biological family he so deserved. Tommy's fine words and noble sentiments … all they managed to do was cut her heart to shreds, no matter how gently they were spoken. The longer he took, the more she was afraid that he was leading up to a breakoff, would tell her a final 'good- bye'; she was in a dreadful state of suspense, waiting for the axe to fall. *If he HAS to dump me – and how can he do anything else? No matter how nice he's trying to be about it – can't he at least get it over with?* She lowered her head, to conceal the suspicious dampness in her eyes.
Tommy reached out and tilted Kim's face up until she had no choice but to look at him. His eyes did hold a trace of regret, but they were warm, loving even … and that confused the petite brunette.
"Kim – don't you know where we are? Don't you remember what happened here?"
"Huh?" Dazedly, Kimberly looked around. The lake was to the right of the path they'd come along, on the other side the area sloped down … she had a sudden flash of memory, of being nearly flung against the piece of rock they were sitting on by a Putty, and her morpher skittering just out of her reach. She'd been unable to help when Tommy, hair shorter and dressed in green, was being teleported away by more of Rita's minions.
"This … this is where Goldar kidnapped you to steal your Powers," she realized slowly. "When Rita used the Green Candle."
"Uh huh. And all because I was trying to ask you on a date. Remember?" Tommy reminded her with another small smile.
"You did afterwards," Kim sighed forlornly. The memory of that moment was still one of the sweetest she had. "After we couldn't help you, and you lost the Green Ranger Powers."
Tommy once more grasped her hands in his. His voice was intent, and made Kim look at him in surprise and wonder.
"You did help me," he contradicted her. "You, and Jase, and the others … you did everything you could. It wasn't your fault that it turned out not to be enough for once. The candle did burn down, and I had to give my Coin to Jason. That was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do until then – well, except maybe for facing you after Jase broke Rita's spell over me. You did save my life, though. And I'll always be grateful for that, at least."
"Still … you lost such an important part of your life that day, when you had to give up your Powers," Kim mourned. "I didn't understand then how terrible it must've been for you; I only did later, when Kat had taken my Coin, and when I had to leave the team to go to Florida."
"That's one experience we now share," Tommy said solemnly. "But Kim … it's taken me this long to see clearly how important you were in helping me cope. Not just that first time, but every time I lost something." He drew a deep breath. Now he was coming to the most important thing he'd learned through recent events. Hopefully, she'd understand.
"Kimberly, I've asked to meet you here, in this place, for a reason. Here is where my Powers were taken from me the first time. It was incredibly hard, yes, and it hurt a lot, too. But I got something in return – something that was just as important." He paused.
Kim hardly dared breathe. The things Tommy was talking about – they were among the fondest memories they both shared. Surely he wouldn't be so cruel as to remind her of those sweet days when their romance was just beginning if he was planning to send her packing? But how could he be doing anything else?!?
"W-what's that?" she asked, so softly Tommy nearly didn't hear.
"I gained you," he murmured, slipping an arm around her shoulder and hugging her close. He could feel her trembling, and buried his face briefly in the soft caramel locks. "Kim, when you told me you missed me … the way you looked at me … even though I was no longer a Ranger … that gave me the courage to ask you out."
"You kissed me first," Kim whispered wistfully, caught up in the memory, wishing he would do so again. *Just one more time … please, God?*
"Yeah," Tommy replied, remembering, wishing he dared do so again. But there were more things that had to be said first. *Please, God – make her understand that this is what I want!*
"Kim … if it hadn't been for you, for your love and support, I doubt I could've stood the loss of my Powers. I hurt so much, but you were always there, helping me, cheering me up – insisting on sharing my pain. Every time it happened. Twice with the Green Powers, then when Rito destroyed the Thunderzords … you were there, holding me up, sharing my pain and loss. And by doing so, by simply being there for me, unconditionally, you made it bearable. Without you at my side, without your love, I really don't know if I could have gone on. And I don't think I can ever make up to you for it." Tommy sighed, letting another kind of pain flood him, then deliberately dammed it up as he looked deeply into the doe eyes gazing up at him so compassionately. Time to choose once and for all.
"I want children. No, don't look away," he urged once more when Kim paled and would have averted her eyes. "I know you can't give them to me because of the cancer. And that hurts – more than I ever thought possible. But Kim – it would've hurt lots more if I'd lost you forever – to death, or to another guy. I know now that I can stand any pain as long as you're there with me to share it."
Was it possible? Could Tommy really mean what he was saying? Kim longed to believe with all her heart, but if he did … what had she done by leaving him? Didn't that mean that all the pain they both had gone through because of her decision was in vain?
"But what about your dreams, Tommy?" she choked. "All I ever wanted was to make your dreams come true. And now that I can't … that's why I left you! I love you too much to see you give them up!"
"I know that now," he said warmly. "But I also know this – I've come full circle, Kim. Yes, I'll be giving up something that's been very important to me. You're right about that much. But I realized that my dreams mean nothing to me if you're not a part of them. I can't have both, so I'll have to choose what's more important." His voice dropped very low. "That's you, Beautiful. I love you. I never stopped. I never will. You're the only woman I ever imagined having a family with. And if you're willing, we can build one together. Maybe not the one we imagined, but a family still. You and me, and what relatives we have – and our friends."
It was the hardest choice Tommy ever had to make. And now he had, it hadn't been hard at all.
"But- but what about Kat?" Kimberly asked, not yet daring to believe what she was hearing. Her heart beat a mile a minute, and she felt dizzy with excitement and confusion. "You dated her longer than you did me …"
Tommy coughed, slightly embarrassed. "In all the time with Kat, I never once imagined having kids with her. The one fantasy I had of being married to her involved grandkids who looked like me, not like her."
"Oh …" She really shouldn't feel so ridiculously pleased by that admission, but she couldn't help it.
"So, what do you say? Do you think you could help me deal with my choice?" Tommy asked. "Because this is it, you know."
Kimberly was trembling like a leaf by now. Her heart shouted 'yes, yes!', while her mind still tried to cope with such a complete reversal of her worst fears, and urged caution.
"What if you'll regret it one day? Choosing me over children?" she wanted to know, not yet trusting her good fortune. He didn't dismiss her concern, but answered honestly.
"I expect there'll be plenty of regrets in the future. Just thinking about everybody eventually having kids and knowing that it's not going to happen for us, ever, hurts like Hell." Kim's tears, held in check so firmly so long began to flow then, tracing silver tracks down her pale cheeks. Tommy wiped them away with unsteady fingers, his voice rough with emotion. "I could never regret loving you, though. That's why I choose you," he murmured, praying with all his might that she would believe him.
"Oh Tommy," Kim wept, "I never meant for you to have to make that choice!"
"I know. Instead you did it for me – for us. But I had to, anyway." He held her close, soothing her wordlessly. Then, he gently disengaged himself from Kim's clinging arms and cupped her wet face between his palms.
"Pain shared is pain halved, Kim. You taught me that a long time ago; I only forgot. It's going to be difficult for you, too, because I know how much you love kids. But I'd like to help you cope with it – if you're willing to help me. Do you think you can do that? For the rest of our lives? Together?"
A shy smile blossomed through the tears.
"I-if you're sure," she whispered, succumbing to her own most secret desire.
"As sure as I can be," Tommy replied, and sealed his commitment with a kiss as sweet and tender as the first they'd ever shared. When their lips finally parted, he looked into the moist, shining eyes of the woman he loved more than anything in the world. Mutely, because he was unable to speak for fear of saying something wrong at this pivotal moment, Tommy reached into his pocket and drew out a red velvet jeweller's box. Kim gasped in delight as he opened it and she saw the narrow band with three diamonds set close together. The significance wasn't lost on her – one lustrous stone for each time they found each other. Tommy's eyes asked silent permission, and she was unable to resist. At her tiny nod he slipped the ring over Kim's finger. It was a perfect fit.
"I've wanted to do that for a long time," he said, repeating his words from long ago. Kim laughed softly, remembering also.
"Me, too," she sniffled, happiness welling up inside of her and nearly taking her breath away. Where had all the fear and desperation gone? They had disappeared, to be replaced by a feeling of serenity she hadn't known in ages. The diamonds winked at her, shooting glittering sparks in the sunlight as she moved her hand to admire the exquisite ring. She felt as if similar fireworks were setting off within her, illuminating the hereto dark corners of her soul with their rainbow brightness.
"Now that that's over with, the next thing should be a piece of cake," Tommy said then, his expression happier than Kim had seen in a long time – not even when they had reconciled a few scant weeks ago. Because now the chocolate depths held a peace she'd rarely noticed before.
"Oh? What's that?" she dimpled up at her tall companion. The first time they'd had this conversation, Tommy had asked her to the dance … his smile was as loving as it had been then, but the look accompanying it was far more serious. She began to shake again, her pulse throbbing.
"Kimberly … will you be my wife?"
There was no way she could tease him as she'd done then. Not when her heart was singing and threatened to burst with happiness. Instead, Kim reached up and touched the lean cheek with her small hand in a gesture that somehow was more of a promise than the most passionate kiss. Her voice was the barest whisper as she accepted Tommy's choice and his right to make it, feeling both sorrow for what they had lost and a deep, pervading peace for what they were gaining in the fulfillment of their love.
"Yes."
~~***~~
To Be Continued In An Epilogue …
