Chapter 4 ~ All I've Left Of You
The other driver, as they had suspected, had been intoxicated. He was jailed and a trial scheduled, and Gil and Christine prepared to testify against him. However, they would never have the chance; the man posted bail and skipped town. They had already been devastated by their son's senseless death, and the lack of justice was like salt in the wound.
Both Gil and Christine struggled with survivor guilt. Gil had never wanted children, but Julian had stolen his heart when he first saw him, and to be alive while his son was dead was almost more than he could bear. Somehow, however, they were unable to talk about their mutual loss. After the death of Julian, it became harder for them to connect with each other. Within six months, communication between them had all but stopped completely. One night, Gil found Christine crying in the bedroom.
"It's over, Gil."
He said nothing.
"I tried to hang onto what we had… before all this. I just can't do it anymore, Gil. I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, I just…"
"You just don't love me anymore." It sounded far more accusing than he had intended. She looked hurt, but in her eyes he could see that he was right.
"I know this has been hard," he said. "Maybe you're right. Maybe… we just weren't meant to be."
"I want to love you, Gil. I just… can't. Can you understand that?"
Again, he didn't respond.
"Gil, every time I look in your eyes, I see Julian."
He understood. It broke his heart to admit it, but he was the cause of Christine's pain. It was time to accept that their relationship could never be mended.
A month later, they signed the divorce papers. "How did we come to this?" thought Gil. "We were so in love, how did we ever lose sight of that?" He was sure that Christine was thinking the same thing.
With the papers signed, they prepared to go their separate ways. He took her right hand softly in both of his. "Take care of yourself, Christine."
"You too."
He wanted to hug her, but she pulled her hand away suddenly, as though his touch were painful, and without another word, left him.
He never saw her again.

Gil slowly picked up the pictures from the table, putting them all back into the box. He paused when he picked up the first picture of Christine on the boardwalk, smiling, her golden hair blowing in the wind. That was a perfect time. That was long before the pain.
He put her picture back into the box. "Where are you now, Christine?" he thought. "Did you marry again? Do you have a new family, a new life?" He hoped she did. He wanted Christine to be happy.

***
Photographs and memories
All the love you gave to me
Somehow it just can't be true
That's all I've left of you

But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh how I loved you then
***

He thought of Julian. He would be a man now, maybe even have a wife and children of his own. The pain of the loss had never gone away, and the wound was reopened whenever he had to investigate the death of a young child. No child should die needlessly like Julian did. Every time he looked upon another tiny body, another innocent life taken away, it was like losing Julian again.
Gil wiped his tears away. He hated crying, hated feeling this way. He made his way back to his room. When he had put the box back in its place, he reached up into the darkness beside it until he found what he was looking for. It was an old blue knit blanket, dingy from years of disuse. He unwrapped the bundle, revealing an old brown teddy bear. The toy had seen better days; the fur was matted down in some places, falling out in others. He cradled it in his arms like a baby… like he used to hold Julian. He gazed into the shiny black eyes, as though there was something there, some kind of life. He hugged the bear tightly to his chest, closing his eyes, remembering when he first held Julian. For a moment, he was back in California, in the delivery room, holding his newborn son, re-living the most wonderful feeling of his life.
Then, he remembered that it wasn't real.
He put the bear back in his closet. He resolved to call his travel agent first thing in the morning. There was something he needed to do.

Everyone at the lab knew better than to ask what Gil was up to when he announced that he was going to California for a few days on "personal business."
He had to look up the cemetery in the phone directory, it had been so long, but once he got there, he remembered where the grave was. In the back row, he found the flat marble marker that read, "Julian Grissom." When he found it, he was surprised to see a fresh rose lying across the stone… someone had just been here.
Just as he was leaving the white carnations he had brought, he was startled by a voice behind him. "Gil?"
He atood up, and turned to see who was there. Before him stood a woman, middle-aged, with golden hair and indigo eyes.
"Christine…"

End.

Author's Note: I might write some spin-off stories from this one, about what happens after Gil and Christine are reunited. Currently I'm also working on a (non-graphic, PG-13) Sara slash.