Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I wouldn't be writing this would I. I
also don't own Little Shop of Horrors
A/N: I'm touched by all the nice reviews, so here slightly later than planned is yet another instalment
Fred: Wow. Here we are again
George: Erm, we haven't been anywhere else. We just sat here in between shows waiting to start again
Fred: Oh yeah, good point. But who are the guests this show?
George: I think we should chose so that we don't get someone stupid
Fred: Great idea. Let's get Angelina
George: Too late, we've got Oliver Wood
Oliver: Hi.
Fred: Oh well, it could have been worse
George: So this week we're going to talk Quidditch with Oliver while everyone else looks back at how history could have been so different
Oliver: Ok, can we do Dumbledore again?
Fred: Sure. So if truth serum could have prevented some of those minor history points like the rise of Voldemort
Oliver: That wasn't a minor history point
Fred: I know I was been sarcastic
Oliver: Oh sorry
Fred: So if truth serum can prevent some of those minor history points like the rise of Voldemort, then why doesn't Dumbledore who many claim is the greatest wizard alive, use it?
George: I don't know. But here is what could of happened if Dumbledore had actually used his head and used truth serum
Harry's first year at Hogwart's after the great feast. Dumbledore has called a staff meeting
Dumbledore: This year you will all drink truth serum, then tell me your biggest secrets so I can laugh at you. I mean make sure you're capable of teaching
McGonagol: Oooh, what a superb idea Albus. How clever, how smart, how wonderful...
Snape: We get the picture Minerva, you find Albus wonderful. I have no idea why, but you do
Dumbledore: Well thank you, you two. But if everyone would now drink his or her potions we can get started
McGonagol: Me first, me first, please Albus
Dumbledore: Very well. Minerva, what is your biggest secret
McGonagol: Well I'm in love with you
Snape: You don't lead a very interesting life, do you? That was your biggest secret last year
McGonagol: Yes but now I sneak into Albus' room as a cat at night to watch him sleep
Dumbledore: Really Minerva, we have talked about this before. I'm not in love with you, so please stop following me around
McGonagol: I'll try Albus, I'll do anything to please you
Snape: How disgusting, I think I'm going to be sick
Dumbledore: Ah Severus, why don't you go next
Snape: I hate Potter, I hate Black, I hate Lupin and now there's even a mini Potter running around, he's probably just as annoying as his father and as noble and stupid as well
Dumbledore: Honestly Severus, get over it, it was 15 years ago
McGonagol: I think Potter should have let the whomping willow get you, done us all a favour
Snape: Like I needed him saving my life, I would have been just fine without him
McGonagol: Sure you would. What would you have done? Threatened it with your greasy hair, how scary
Dumbledore: Be quiet you two. If that was your biggest secret Severus, Professor Trewlaney can go next
Trewlaney: I'm sorry to say it Professor, but I cannot foresee the future. Alas, I have lied to you, I just do some random guesswork and make up weird stories about my past
McGonagol: Ha, we'd noticed Sybil
Snape: I'm with Minerva on this one, it's not like we expect people to actually learn in your classes we just like to laugh at them predicting each other's doom, it's very amusing
McGonagol: Exactly. Everyone knows transfiguration is the best lesson
Snape: Excuse me, I think you meant to say Potions
McGonagol: I most certainly did not, you don't even need a wand to make a potion
Snape: Which is because it's a very advanced form of magic
McGonagol: No, it's because you're not clever enough to use a wand
Snape: How about a duel, then we'll see who knows the more magic
McGonagol: Gladly, name a time and place and I'll be there to beat you
Dumbledore: If you two could just keep quiet, we don't want you blowing each other up like you did last year. Now, Hagrid why don't you go next
Snape: I still don't think Hagrid should be here, he's not a teacher. He's a glorified zookeeper
Hagrid: At least I don't have a stupid tattoo on my arm
Dumbledore: Severus, please keep your feelings to yourself. Now Reubus your turn
Hagrid: I thought that maybe I could become a friend to Harry Potter
Dumbledore: That's your biggest secret?
Snape: If I was friends with a Potter, I'd want to keep it secret
Dumbledore: No one asked for your opinion. So was there anymore to this secret?
Hagrid: Well when I was friends with Harry, I could kidnap him and go to hide in the mountains until you got me a new wand and paid a ransom fee
Dumbledore: That is a really stupid plan, couldn't you at least been imaginative and gone to live in an underwater castle or at least demanded something useful like the Philosopher's stone
Hagrid: That's a really great idea, I might use that one next year. Thanks Professor Dumbledore
Dumbledore: Just happy to help, now who next. How about you Professor Flitwick
Flitwick: Well, I was tired of everyone joking about my height, so over the summer I have been taking growth potion. I planned to stop as soon as I reached 6 foot, but it was addictive and I couldn't stop
Dumbledore: Yes, we had noticed
Flitwick: Really? How?
Dumbledore: Well the fact you reach the ceiling was a bit of a give-away
Flitwick: Oh, yes I see that could have made it obvious
Dumbledore: Not to worry. Severus will make a potion to take you back to your normal height
Snape: Ha, see he asked for a potion not some fancy wand swishing
McGonagol: That's only because he feels sorry for you. Let's face it you don't have any other friends other than the cauldrens
Snape: Says you. I'm not the one who sneaks around in the dark, spying on teachers
Dumbledore: If you two could stop arguing, Professor Quirrel can take his turn
Quirrel: I have merged with Voldemort and now wear a turban to hide him. Together we will steal the Philosopher's stone and take over the world. Hahahaha
Snape: That's just stupid. It's so last year's craze
Quirrel: You're just jealous that he chose me, not you
McGonagol: You must be joking. Voldemort would never chose Snape his hair's too greasy, it would be like sharing a body with a chip pan
Snape: Stop insulting my hair
McGonagol: Not until you get it cut
Snape: Never
Dumbledore: We're meant to be dealing with Quirrel now
Snape: Sorry. Just banish him
McGonagol: I was going to say that, you stole my idea
Snape: Did not
Dumbledore: SHUT UP. Now Quirrel leave this school and never return
McGonagol: Unless you find out how to kill Severus in a way that no one will discover. In which case come back and tell me
Dumbledore: Fine. Madame Hooch it's your turn
Hooch: Well over the summer I've been spending a lot of time planning on how to take over the school and I've finally discovered how
Snape: Really? Can I join in?
Hooch: Well, I'll consider it, but no promises
Dumbledore: So how do you plan to take over the school, this better be a better idea than last year
Hooch: It is. What I will do is hold a mutiny, and we'll all fly in on broomsticks and drop a big net over you all
Dumbledore: Well it's an improvement, but still flawed. Because we will simply cut the net open
Hooch: Oh well, back to the drawing board I guess
Dumbledore: It was an admirable attempt. But Professor Sprout I think you may have a secret to tell us
Sprout: I have also been busy over the summer. But my plan will help everybody
Dumbledore: It sounds interesting, tell us more
Sprout: Well, have any of you ever seen 'The Little Shop of Horror's'
Dumbledore: Yes it was a wonderful show
Sprout: Yes it was. So I have developed a plant just like that one, which I will train to eat Ravenclaws', Slytherins' and Gryffindors', so Hufflepuff will finally win the Quidditch and House cup
Snape: That's a stupid plan
McGonagol: I agree, Hufflepuff will never win anything
Snape: Exactly. Slytherin will once again win both cups this year
McGonagol: No way, Gryffindor will definitely win this year
Snape: It'll never happen
McGonagol: Yes it will. In fact I'll bet you 20 galleons that Gryffindor beat Slytherin in both cups
Snape: You're on. In fact let's make it 30
Dumbledore: I'll put 10 on Gryffindor. Oops, what I mean is, Professor Sprout you are forbidden from growing plants to eat students
Sprout: How about trees that hit people?
Dumbledore: We already have one, the Whomping Willow
Sprout: Oh yeah
Dumbledore: Well, not many people left now. So Madame Pince, it's your turn
Pince: This summer, I decided to visit libraries in Italy. It was all going fine, until I was approached by the Mafia who wanted me to join them in illegal drug smuggling
Dumbledore: Wow that's more interesting than your normal secrets. So what did you do?
Pince: I refused of course, but they wouldn't take no for an answer, so I had to put drugs in all the library books and bring them back to Hogwart's
Snape: Excellent, I meant to visit the library this year, it sounds like it will be fun. So where exactly are these drugs hidden?
Dumbledore: Severus, this is no laughing matter. Madame Pince you must return the drugs with a polite but firm letter telling them to never contact you again. If that does not work, simply hex them
Pince: Thank you headmaster, I'll do it immediately
Dumbledore: Right, Filch it's only you left
Snape: I don't think Filch should be classed as a teacher either
McGonagol: Haven't you figured it out yet, nobody cares what you think
Snape: Yes they do, you must have mistaken me with yourself
Filch: Hey, it's my turn. Stop interrupting
Dumbledore: Well said
Filch: Well my cat Mrs Norris is really Voldemort in disguise that's why she has strange eyes
Dumbledore: That was fast, we only just banished him
Filch: But he's been there for 10 years
Dumbledore: Then somebody is wrong. Either Quirrel or Filch has been fooled
Snape: This is great, staff meetings haven't been this much fun for years
Dumbledore: Let's see, what happened when you met this man who claimed to be Voldemort
Filch: He told me that he was a powerful dark lord, and that if I helped him he would give me more power than I could dream of
Dumbledore: When did you meet him?
Filch: A few days after Voldemort met the Potter's
Dumbledore: We must make Mrs Norris transform to find out who is right (performs spell)
Snape: Arrggghh no, it's another one of Potter's friends, is there no escape
McGonagol: Peter Pettigrew, I thought you were killed
Pettigrew: Erm, well, I can explain
Dumbledore: Wait, you can drink some truth serum as well
Pettigrew: Oh dear, my explanation won't work then
Dumbledore: Why not?
Pettigrew: I was going to lie and try and blame it all on Snape
McGonagol: In that case carry on
Dumbledore: No, drink this Peter (Peter drinks) So why were you pretending to be Voldemort
Pettigrew: Well I was the Potter's secret keeper, but Voldemort didn't manage to kill Harry, so I had to act quick, I managed to frame Sirius but then I needed to hide and to be honest I always thought Filch was quite good looking
Snape: Oh that is even more gross than Minerva and Albus
McGonagol: It's not as gross as your hair
Dumbledore: I'm just going to ignore you two. So really what you're trying to say Peter, is that out of your three best friends, James and his wife are dead because of you, Sirius is innocent but in Azkeban, and Remus is forced to spend his life without any friends because you betrayed the all
Pettigrew: That sounds basically right
Dumbledore: Oh dear, I knew we should have used truth serum before now
McGonagol: Never mind Albus, we all make mistakes
Snape: Yes but Albus' mistake has let Voldemort rise and killed some of his best students
McGonagol: That isn't very helpful Severus
Snape: No but it's the truth
McGonagol: Since when have you been interested in the truth, you've ignored it all your live
Snape: No I haven't, you're the one avoiding the truth
McGonagol: Am not. You're just a greasy haired, stuck up, overbearing, ignorant prat
Snape: And you're just a four eyed, freak of nature, bookworm who has her head stuck so far in the sand that she can't see that nobody likes her
Dumbledore: If you two are quite finished. This staff meeting is over.
Fred: Excellent, go McGonagol
George: Yeah, you tell Snape exactly where to go
Oliver: I never realised she could be so assertive, I'd hate to get on the wrong side of her
Fred: So now that we've seen how easily Hogwarts could become a safe place with no maniac teachers
George: Except Snape and McGonagol, but they'll probably fall in love and run off together soon
Oliver: Why would Snape and McGonagol fall in love?
George: Because hate always turns to love
Oliver: Except when it really is hate
Fred: You're not allowed to disagree with us it's in the rules
Oliver: What rules?
Fred: The rules that we're writing now
Oliver: Fair enough. I'm going anyway, Quiditch practice awaits
Harry: If Oliver goes, do I get to come back?
George: Sorry Harry, Fred's still trying to get Angelina on the show
Harry: Oh well, I'll go defeat Voldemort again, but it's getting boring now
Fred: All right, so who shall we make look stupid next time?
George: How about Percy
Fred: Great idea, I think we should send him some more dragon dung in the post
George: Or we could write a note to Penelope telling her that he's really Voldemort in disguise
Fred: That's a great idea, I'll get her address, you get the paper
A/N: Another chapter, and if you read it all the through, you're a very brave person. Thank you for reading this but please review, even if you just want to tell me I have a scary mind.
If you have any ideas about what else in the wizarding world could be different, then tell me
A/N: I'm touched by all the nice reviews, so here slightly later than planned is yet another instalment
Fred: Wow. Here we are again
George: Erm, we haven't been anywhere else. We just sat here in between shows waiting to start again
Fred: Oh yeah, good point. But who are the guests this show?
George: I think we should chose so that we don't get someone stupid
Fred: Great idea. Let's get Angelina
George: Too late, we've got Oliver Wood
Oliver: Hi.
Fred: Oh well, it could have been worse
George: So this week we're going to talk Quidditch with Oliver while everyone else looks back at how history could have been so different
Oliver: Ok, can we do Dumbledore again?
Fred: Sure. So if truth serum could have prevented some of those minor history points like the rise of Voldemort
Oliver: That wasn't a minor history point
Fred: I know I was been sarcastic
Oliver: Oh sorry
Fred: So if truth serum can prevent some of those minor history points like the rise of Voldemort, then why doesn't Dumbledore who many claim is the greatest wizard alive, use it?
George: I don't know. But here is what could of happened if Dumbledore had actually used his head and used truth serum
Harry's first year at Hogwart's after the great feast. Dumbledore has called a staff meeting
Dumbledore: This year you will all drink truth serum, then tell me your biggest secrets so I can laugh at you. I mean make sure you're capable of teaching
McGonagol: Oooh, what a superb idea Albus. How clever, how smart, how wonderful...
Snape: We get the picture Minerva, you find Albus wonderful. I have no idea why, but you do
Dumbledore: Well thank you, you two. But if everyone would now drink his or her potions we can get started
McGonagol: Me first, me first, please Albus
Dumbledore: Very well. Minerva, what is your biggest secret
McGonagol: Well I'm in love with you
Snape: You don't lead a very interesting life, do you? That was your biggest secret last year
McGonagol: Yes but now I sneak into Albus' room as a cat at night to watch him sleep
Dumbledore: Really Minerva, we have talked about this before. I'm not in love with you, so please stop following me around
McGonagol: I'll try Albus, I'll do anything to please you
Snape: How disgusting, I think I'm going to be sick
Dumbledore: Ah Severus, why don't you go next
Snape: I hate Potter, I hate Black, I hate Lupin and now there's even a mini Potter running around, he's probably just as annoying as his father and as noble and stupid as well
Dumbledore: Honestly Severus, get over it, it was 15 years ago
McGonagol: I think Potter should have let the whomping willow get you, done us all a favour
Snape: Like I needed him saving my life, I would have been just fine without him
McGonagol: Sure you would. What would you have done? Threatened it with your greasy hair, how scary
Dumbledore: Be quiet you two. If that was your biggest secret Severus, Professor Trewlaney can go next
Trewlaney: I'm sorry to say it Professor, but I cannot foresee the future. Alas, I have lied to you, I just do some random guesswork and make up weird stories about my past
McGonagol: Ha, we'd noticed Sybil
Snape: I'm with Minerva on this one, it's not like we expect people to actually learn in your classes we just like to laugh at them predicting each other's doom, it's very amusing
McGonagol: Exactly. Everyone knows transfiguration is the best lesson
Snape: Excuse me, I think you meant to say Potions
McGonagol: I most certainly did not, you don't even need a wand to make a potion
Snape: Which is because it's a very advanced form of magic
McGonagol: No, it's because you're not clever enough to use a wand
Snape: How about a duel, then we'll see who knows the more magic
McGonagol: Gladly, name a time and place and I'll be there to beat you
Dumbledore: If you two could just keep quiet, we don't want you blowing each other up like you did last year. Now, Hagrid why don't you go next
Snape: I still don't think Hagrid should be here, he's not a teacher. He's a glorified zookeeper
Hagrid: At least I don't have a stupid tattoo on my arm
Dumbledore: Severus, please keep your feelings to yourself. Now Reubus your turn
Hagrid: I thought that maybe I could become a friend to Harry Potter
Dumbledore: That's your biggest secret?
Snape: If I was friends with a Potter, I'd want to keep it secret
Dumbledore: No one asked for your opinion. So was there anymore to this secret?
Hagrid: Well when I was friends with Harry, I could kidnap him and go to hide in the mountains until you got me a new wand and paid a ransom fee
Dumbledore: That is a really stupid plan, couldn't you at least been imaginative and gone to live in an underwater castle or at least demanded something useful like the Philosopher's stone
Hagrid: That's a really great idea, I might use that one next year. Thanks Professor Dumbledore
Dumbledore: Just happy to help, now who next. How about you Professor Flitwick
Flitwick: Well, I was tired of everyone joking about my height, so over the summer I have been taking growth potion. I planned to stop as soon as I reached 6 foot, but it was addictive and I couldn't stop
Dumbledore: Yes, we had noticed
Flitwick: Really? How?
Dumbledore: Well the fact you reach the ceiling was a bit of a give-away
Flitwick: Oh, yes I see that could have made it obvious
Dumbledore: Not to worry. Severus will make a potion to take you back to your normal height
Snape: Ha, see he asked for a potion not some fancy wand swishing
McGonagol: That's only because he feels sorry for you. Let's face it you don't have any other friends other than the cauldrens
Snape: Says you. I'm not the one who sneaks around in the dark, spying on teachers
Dumbledore: If you two could stop arguing, Professor Quirrel can take his turn
Quirrel: I have merged with Voldemort and now wear a turban to hide him. Together we will steal the Philosopher's stone and take over the world. Hahahaha
Snape: That's just stupid. It's so last year's craze
Quirrel: You're just jealous that he chose me, not you
McGonagol: You must be joking. Voldemort would never chose Snape his hair's too greasy, it would be like sharing a body with a chip pan
Snape: Stop insulting my hair
McGonagol: Not until you get it cut
Snape: Never
Dumbledore: We're meant to be dealing with Quirrel now
Snape: Sorry. Just banish him
McGonagol: I was going to say that, you stole my idea
Snape: Did not
Dumbledore: SHUT UP. Now Quirrel leave this school and never return
McGonagol: Unless you find out how to kill Severus in a way that no one will discover. In which case come back and tell me
Dumbledore: Fine. Madame Hooch it's your turn
Hooch: Well over the summer I've been spending a lot of time planning on how to take over the school and I've finally discovered how
Snape: Really? Can I join in?
Hooch: Well, I'll consider it, but no promises
Dumbledore: So how do you plan to take over the school, this better be a better idea than last year
Hooch: It is. What I will do is hold a mutiny, and we'll all fly in on broomsticks and drop a big net over you all
Dumbledore: Well it's an improvement, but still flawed. Because we will simply cut the net open
Hooch: Oh well, back to the drawing board I guess
Dumbledore: It was an admirable attempt. But Professor Sprout I think you may have a secret to tell us
Sprout: I have also been busy over the summer. But my plan will help everybody
Dumbledore: It sounds interesting, tell us more
Sprout: Well, have any of you ever seen 'The Little Shop of Horror's'
Dumbledore: Yes it was a wonderful show
Sprout: Yes it was. So I have developed a plant just like that one, which I will train to eat Ravenclaws', Slytherins' and Gryffindors', so Hufflepuff will finally win the Quidditch and House cup
Snape: That's a stupid plan
McGonagol: I agree, Hufflepuff will never win anything
Snape: Exactly. Slytherin will once again win both cups this year
McGonagol: No way, Gryffindor will definitely win this year
Snape: It'll never happen
McGonagol: Yes it will. In fact I'll bet you 20 galleons that Gryffindor beat Slytherin in both cups
Snape: You're on. In fact let's make it 30
Dumbledore: I'll put 10 on Gryffindor. Oops, what I mean is, Professor Sprout you are forbidden from growing plants to eat students
Sprout: How about trees that hit people?
Dumbledore: We already have one, the Whomping Willow
Sprout: Oh yeah
Dumbledore: Well, not many people left now. So Madame Pince, it's your turn
Pince: This summer, I decided to visit libraries in Italy. It was all going fine, until I was approached by the Mafia who wanted me to join them in illegal drug smuggling
Dumbledore: Wow that's more interesting than your normal secrets. So what did you do?
Pince: I refused of course, but they wouldn't take no for an answer, so I had to put drugs in all the library books and bring them back to Hogwart's
Snape: Excellent, I meant to visit the library this year, it sounds like it will be fun. So where exactly are these drugs hidden?
Dumbledore: Severus, this is no laughing matter. Madame Pince you must return the drugs with a polite but firm letter telling them to never contact you again. If that does not work, simply hex them
Pince: Thank you headmaster, I'll do it immediately
Dumbledore: Right, Filch it's only you left
Snape: I don't think Filch should be classed as a teacher either
McGonagol: Haven't you figured it out yet, nobody cares what you think
Snape: Yes they do, you must have mistaken me with yourself
Filch: Hey, it's my turn. Stop interrupting
Dumbledore: Well said
Filch: Well my cat Mrs Norris is really Voldemort in disguise that's why she has strange eyes
Dumbledore: That was fast, we only just banished him
Filch: But he's been there for 10 years
Dumbledore: Then somebody is wrong. Either Quirrel or Filch has been fooled
Snape: This is great, staff meetings haven't been this much fun for years
Dumbledore: Let's see, what happened when you met this man who claimed to be Voldemort
Filch: He told me that he was a powerful dark lord, and that if I helped him he would give me more power than I could dream of
Dumbledore: When did you meet him?
Filch: A few days after Voldemort met the Potter's
Dumbledore: We must make Mrs Norris transform to find out who is right (performs spell)
Snape: Arrggghh no, it's another one of Potter's friends, is there no escape
McGonagol: Peter Pettigrew, I thought you were killed
Pettigrew: Erm, well, I can explain
Dumbledore: Wait, you can drink some truth serum as well
Pettigrew: Oh dear, my explanation won't work then
Dumbledore: Why not?
Pettigrew: I was going to lie and try and blame it all on Snape
McGonagol: In that case carry on
Dumbledore: No, drink this Peter (Peter drinks) So why were you pretending to be Voldemort
Pettigrew: Well I was the Potter's secret keeper, but Voldemort didn't manage to kill Harry, so I had to act quick, I managed to frame Sirius but then I needed to hide and to be honest I always thought Filch was quite good looking
Snape: Oh that is even more gross than Minerva and Albus
McGonagol: It's not as gross as your hair
Dumbledore: I'm just going to ignore you two. So really what you're trying to say Peter, is that out of your three best friends, James and his wife are dead because of you, Sirius is innocent but in Azkeban, and Remus is forced to spend his life without any friends because you betrayed the all
Pettigrew: That sounds basically right
Dumbledore: Oh dear, I knew we should have used truth serum before now
McGonagol: Never mind Albus, we all make mistakes
Snape: Yes but Albus' mistake has let Voldemort rise and killed some of his best students
McGonagol: That isn't very helpful Severus
Snape: No but it's the truth
McGonagol: Since when have you been interested in the truth, you've ignored it all your live
Snape: No I haven't, you're the one avoiding the truth
McGonagol: Am not. You're just a greasy haired, stuck up, overbearing, ignorant prat
Snape: And you're just a four eyed, freak of nature, bookworm who has her head stuck so far in the sand that she can't see that nobody likes her
Dumbledore: If you two are quite finished. This staff meeting is over.
Fred: Excellent, go McGonagol
George: Yeah, you tell Snape exactly where to go
Oliver: I never realised she could be so assertive, I'd hate to get on the wrong side of her
Fred: So now that we've seen how easily Hogwarts could become a safe place with no maniac teachers
George: Except Snape and McGonagol, but they'll probably fall in love and run off together soon
Oliver: Why would Snape and McGonagol fall in love?
George: Because hate always turns to love
Oliver: Except when it really is hate
Fred: You're not allowed to disagree with us it's in the rules
Oliver: What rules?
Fred: The rules that we're writing now
Oliver: Fair enough. I'm going anyway, Quiditch practice awaits
Harry: If Oliver goes, do I get to come back?
George: Sorry Harry, Fred's still trying to get Angelina on the show
Harry: Oh well, I'll go defeat Voldemort again, but it's getting boring now
Fred: All right, so who shall we make look stupid next time?
George: How about Percy
Fred: Great idea, I think we should send him some more dragon dung in the post
George: Or we could write a note to Penelope telling her that he's really Voldemort in disguise
Fred: That's a great idea, I'll get her address, you get the paper
A/N: Another chapter, and if you read it all the through, you're a very brave person. Thank you for reading this but please review, even if you just want to tell me I have a scary mind.
If you have any ideas about what else in the wizarding world could be different, then tell me
