Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I wouldn't be writing this would I. I also don't own Little Shop of Horrors

A/N: I'm touched by all the nice reviews, so here slightly later than planned is yet another instalment

Fred: Wow. Here we are again

George: Erm, we haven't been anywhere else. We just sat here in between shows waiting to start again

Fred: Oh yeah, good point. But who are the guests this show?

George: I think we should chose so that we don't get someone stupid

Fred: Great idea. Let's get Angelina

George: Too late, we've got Oliver Wood

Oliver: Hi.

Fred: Oh well, it could have been worse

George: So this week we're going to talk Quidditch with Oliver while everyone else looks back at how history could have been so different

Oliver: Ok, can we do Dumbledore again?

Fred: Sure. So if truth serum could have prevented some of those minor history points like the rise of Voldemort

Oliver: That wasn't a minor history point

Fred: I know I was been sarcastic

Oliver: Oh sorry

Fred: So if truth serum can prevent some of those minor history points like the rise of Voldemort, then why doesn't Dumbledore who many claim is the greatest wizard alive, use it?

George: I don't know. But here is what could of happened if Dumbledore had actually used his head and used truth serum



Harry's first year at Hogwart's after the great feast. Dumbledore has called a staff meeting

Dumbledore: This year you will all drink truth serum, then tell me your biggest secrets so I can laugh at you. I mean make sure you're capable of teaching

McGonagol: Oooh, what a superb idea Albus. How clever, how smart, how wonderful...

Snape: We get the picture Minerva, you find Albus wonderful. I have no idea why, but you do

Dumbledore: Well thank you, you two. But if everyone would now drink his or her potions we can get started

McGonagol: Me first, me first, please Albus

Dumbledore: Very well. Minerva, what is your biggest secret

McGonagol: Well I'm in love with you

Snape: You don't lead a very interesting life, do you? That was your biggest secret last year

McGonagol: Yes but now I sneak into Albus' room as a cat at night to watch him sleep

Dumbledore: Really Minerva, we have talked about this before. I'm not in love with you, so please stop following me around

McGonagol: I'll try Albus, I'll do anything to please you

Snape: How disgusting, I think I'm going to be sick

Dumbledore: Ah Severus, why don't you go next

Snape: I hate Potter, I hate Black, I hate Lupin and now there's even a mini Potter running around, he's probably just as annoying as his father and as noble and stupid as well

Dumbledore: Honestly Severus, get over it, it was 15 years ago

McGonagol: I think Potter should have let the whomping willow get you, done us all a favour

Snape: Like I needed him saving my life, I would have been just fine without him

McGonagol: Sure you would. What would you have done? Threatened it with your greasy hair, how scary

Dumbledore: Be quiet you two. If that was your biggest secret Severus, Professor Trewlaney can go next

Trewlaney: I'm sorry to say it Professor, but I cannot foresee the future. Alas, I have lied to you, I just do some random guesswork and make up weird stories about my past

McGonagol: Ha, we'd noticed Sybil

Snape: I'm with Minerva on this one, it's not like we expect people to actually learn in your classes we just like to laugh at them predicting each other's doom, it's very amusing

McGonagol: Exactly. Everyone knows transfiguration is the best lesson

Snape: Excuse me, I think you meant to say Potions

McGonagol: I most certainly did not, you don't even need a wand to make a potion

Snape: Which is because it's a very advanced form of magic

McGonagol: No, it's because you're not clever enough to use a wand

Snape: How about a duel, then we'll see who knows the more magic

McGonagol: Gladly, name a time and place and I'll be there to beat you

Dumbledore: If you two could just keep quiet, we don't want you blowing each other up like you did last year. Now, Hagrid why don't you go next

Snape: I still don't think Hagrid should be here, he's not a teacher. He's a glorified zookeeper

Hagrid: At least I don't have a stupid tattoo on my arm

Dumbledore: Severus, please keep your feelings to yourself. Now Reubus your turn

Hagrid: I thought that maybe I could become a friend to Harry Potter

Dumbledore: That's your biggest secret?

Snape: If I was friends with a Potter, I'd want to keep it secret

Dumbledore: No one asked for your opinion. So was there anymore to this secret?

Hagrid: Well when I was friends with Harry, I could kidnap him and go to hide in the mountains until you got me a new wand and paid a ransom fee

Dumbledore: That is a really stupid plan, couldn't you at least been imaginative and gone to live in an underwater castle or at least demanded something useful like the Philosopher's stone

Hagrid: That's a really great idea, I might use that one next year. Thanks Professor Dumbledore

Dumbledore: Just happy to help, now who next. How about you Professor Flitwick

Flitwick: Well, I was tired of everyone joking about my height, so over the summer I have been taking growth potion. I planned to stop as soon as I reached 6 foot, but it was addictive and I couldn't stop

Dumbledore: Yes, we had noticed

Flitwick: Really? How?

Dumbledore: Well the fact you reach the ceiling was a bit of a give-away

Flitwick: Oh, yes I see that could have made it obvious

Dumbledore: Not to worry. Severus will make a potion to take you back to your normal height

Snape: Ha, see he asked for a potion not some fancy wand swishing

McGonagol: That's only because he feels sorry for you. Let's face it you don't have any other friends other than the cauldrens

Snape: Says you. I'm not the one who sneaks around in the dark, spying on teachers

Dumbledore: If you two could stop arguing, Professor Quirrel can take his turn

Quirrel: I have merged with Voldemort and now wear a turban to hide him. Together we will steal the Philosopher's stone and take over the world. Hahahaha

Snape: That's just stupid. It's so last year's craze

Quirrel: You're just jealous that he chose me, not you

McGonagol: You must be joking. Voldemort would never chose Snape his hair's too greasy, it would be like sharing a body with a chip pan

Snape: Stop insulting my hair

McGonagol: Not until you get it cut

Snape: Never

Dumbledore: We're meant to be dealing with Quirrel now

Snape: Sorry. Just banish him

McGonagol: I was going to say that, you stole my idea

Snape: Did not

Dumbledore: SHUT UP. Now Quirrel leave this school and never return

McGonagol: Unless you find out how to kill Severus in a way that no one will discover. In which case come back and tell me

Dumbledore: Fine. Madame Hooch it's your turn

Hooch: Well over the summer I've been spending a lot of time planning on how to take over the school and I've finally discovered how

Snape: Really? Can I join in?

Hooch: Well, I'll consider it, but no promises

Dumbledore: So how do you plan to take over the school, this better be a better idea than last year

Hooch: It is. What I will do is hold a mutiny, and we'll all fly in on broomsticks and drop a big net over you all

Dumbledore: Well it's an improvement, but still flawed. Because we will simply cut the net open

Hooch: Oh well, back to the drawing board I guess

Dumbledore: It was an admirable attempt. But Professor Sprout I think you may have a secret to tell us

Sprout: I have also been busy over the summer. But my plan will help everybody

Dumbledore: It sounds interesting, tell us more

Sprout: Well, have any of you ever seen 'The Little Shop of Horror's'

Dumbledore: Yes it was a wonderful show

Sprout: Yes it was. So I have developed a plant just like that one, which I will train to eat Ravenclaws', Slytherins' and Gryffindors', so Hufflepuff will finally win the Quidditch and House cup

Snape: That's a stupid plan

McGonagol: I agree, Hufflepuff will never win anything

Snape: Exactly. Slytherin will once again win both cups this year

McGonagol: No way, Gryffindor will definitely win this year

Snape: It'll never happen

McGonagol: Yes it will. In fact I'll bet you 20 galleons that Gryffindor beat Slytherin in both cups

Snape: You're on. In fact let's make it 30

Dumbledore: I'll put 10 on Gryffindor. Oops, what I mean is, Professor Sprout you are forbidden from growing plants to eat students

Sprout: How about trees that hit people?

Dumbledore: We already have one, the Whomping Willow

Sprout: Oh yeah

Dumbledore: Well, not many people left now. So Madame Pince, it's your turn

Pince: This summer, I decided to visit libraries in Italy. It was all going fine, until I was approached by the Mafia who wanted me to join them in illegal drug smuggling

Dumbledore: Wow that's more interesting than your normal secrets. So what did you do?

Pince: I refused of course, but they wouldn't take no for an answer, so I had to put drugs in all the library books and bring them back to Hogwart's

Snape: Excellent, I meant to visit the library this year, it sounds like it will be fun. So where exactly are these drugs hidden?

Dumbledore: Severus, this is no laughing matter. Madame Pince you must return the drugs with a polite but firm letter telling them to never contact you again. If that does not work, simply hex them

Pince: Thank you headmaster, I'll do it immediately

Dumbledore: Right, Filch it's only you left

Snape: I don't think Filch should be classed as a teacher either

McGonagol: Haven't you figured it out yet, nobody cares what you think

Snape: Yes they do, you must have mistaken me with yourself

Filch: Hey, it's my turn. Stop interrupting

Dumbledore: Well said

Filch: Well my cat Mrs Norris is really Voldemort in disguise that's why she has strange eyes

Dumbledore: That was fast, we only just banished him

Filch: But he's been there for 10 years

Dumbledore: Then somebody is wrong. Either Quirrel or Filch has been fooled

Snape: This is great, staff meetings haven't been this much fun for years

Dumbledore: Let's see, what happened when you met this man who claimed to be Voldemort

Filch: He told me that he was a powerful dark lord, and that if I helped him he would give me more power than I could dream of

Dumbledore: When did you meet him?

Filch: A few days after Voldemort met the Potter's

Dumbledore: We must make Mrs Norris transform to find out who is right (performs spell)

Snape: Arrggghh no, it's another one of Potter's friends, is there no escape

McGonagol: Peter Pettigrew, I thought you were killed

Pettigrew: Erm, well, I can explain

Dumbledore: Wait, you can drink some truth serum as well

Pettigrew: Oh dear, my explanation won't work then

Dumbledore: Why not?

Pettigrew: I was going to lie and try and blame it all on Snape

McGonagol: In that case carry on

Dumbledore: No, drink this Peter (Peter drinks) So why were you pretending to be Voldemort

Pettigrew: Well I was the Potter's secret keeper, but Voldemort didn't manage to kill Harry, so I had to act quick, I managed to frame Sirius but then I needed to hide and to be honest I always thought Filch was quite good looking

Snape: Oh that is even more gross than Minerva and Albus

McGonagol: It's not as gross as your hair

Dumbledore: I'm just going to ignore you two. So really what you're trying to say Peter, is that out of your three best friends, James and his wife are dead because of you, Sirius is innocent but in Azkeban, and Remus is forced to spend his life without any friends because you betrayed the all

Pettigrew: That sounds basically right

Dumbledore: Oh dear, I knew we should have used truth serum before now

McGonagol: Never mind Albus, we all make mistakes

Snape: Yes but Albus' mistake has let Voldemort rise and killed some of his best students

McGonagol: That isn't very helpful Severus

Snape: No but it's the truth

McGonagol: Since when have you been interested in the truth, you've ignored it all your live

Snape: No I haven't, you're the one avoiding the truth

McGonagol: Am not. You're just a greasy haired, stuck up, overbearing, ignorant prat

Snape: And you're just a four eyed, freak of nature, bookworm who has her head stuck so far in the sand that she can't see that nobody likes her

Dumbledore: If you two are quite finished. This staff meeting is over.



Fred: Excellent, go McGonagol

George: Yeah, you tell Snape exactly where to go

Oliver: I never realised she could be so assertive, I'd hate to get on the wrong side of her

Fred: So now that we've seen how easily Hogwarts could become a safe place with no maniac teachers

George: Except Snape and McGonagol, but they'll probably fall in love and run off together soon

Oliver: Why would Snape and McGonagol fall in love?

George: Because hate always turns to love

Oliver: Except when it really is hate

Fred: You're not allowed to disagree with us it's in the rules

Oliver: What rules?

Fred: The rules that we're writing now

Oliver: Fair enough. I'm going anyway, Quiditch practice awaits

Harry: If Oliver goes, do I get to come back?

George: Sorry Harry, Fred's still trying to get Angelina on the show

Harry: Oh well, I'll go defeat Voldemort again, but it's getting boring now

Fred: All right, so who shall we make look stupid next time?

George: How about Percy

Fred: Great idea, I think we should send him some more dragon dung in the post

George: Or we could write a note to Penelope telling her that he's really Voldemort in disguise

Fred: That's a great idea, I'll get her address, you get the paper



A/N: Another chapter, and if you read it all the through, you're a very brave person. Thank you for reading this but please review, even if you just want to tell me I have a scary mind.

If you have any ideas about what else in the wizarding world could be different, then tell me