Disclaimer: Yes I own Harry Potter, all bow down at my feet. Oops wait, it turns out I don't own it after all



Fred: Is Angelina going to be on this show?

George: No, it's just you, me and a Dark Lord called Voldemort

Fred: In that case, I'm off on strike until Angelina comes on our show

George: WHAT, get back here, I can't hold a conversation with myself.

Ok, I guess we should get on with the show, so truth serum is now so popular, that even Voldemort is using it, let's see what happens:



Voldemort: You'll all be pleased to know I have new and improved plans this year

Peter: Master what could possibly be better than last year's plan

Voldemort: Is grovelling all you're good at Pettigrew?

Peter: Erm well I do seem to have talent for it, most wonderful Dark Lord

Malfoy: Pettigrew, do you realise how stupid you are

Voldemort: Now now Lucius, Pettigrew may not be the sharpest crayon in the box but neither are Crabbe or Goyle

Peter: What's a crayon?

Malfoy: Arggh see what I mean. Anyway what's the plan?

Voldemort: Well after last years slightly embarrassing incident

Peter: What incident?

Malfoy: You idiot, do you practice been stupid?

Peter: Yes, I hold regular clubs, you can come if you want

Voldemort: Anyway as I was saying after last year, when all twenty of you managed to miss a small boy with a broken leg

Avery: To be fair he was running very fast

Malfoy: Yeah, it's hard to hit a moving target

Voldemort: I do not want to hear any more of your pathetic excuses, the point is this year we will all drink truth potion

Avery: Even you?

Voldemort: No, I'm in charge

Snape: But that's not fair

Voldemort: Quiet Snape, for you insolence you can go first and tell me if you are you loyal to me or not

Snape: But what if I'm not loyal

Voldemort: We all get to torture you for a bit before we kill you. Now drink

Snape: Oh dear that's a shame because I'm a spy

Malfoy: See I told you he wasn't loyal

Snape: But wait I do have some very good talents

Voldemort: Like what?

Snape: I can make very powerful love potions

Voldemort: You fool, I do not want to buy potions, I do own my own wand

Snape: That exactly what Minerva said

Voldemort: This Minerva sounds like a bright woman, I want to meet her, Lucius fetch her

Malfoy: But sir she is Minerva McGonagall, head of Gryffindor

Voldemort: I remember her, she was hot when I was at school, everyone fancied her

Malfoy: But when you were at school she was 20 years old

Voldemort: I don't care, go fetch her now, go on

Malfoy: I haven't had my turn drinking truth potion

Voldemort: There's no point, I know you'll be loyal to me until you see an opportunity to take power yourself

Malfoy: You're right, in that case I'll go get McGonagall (exit)

Voldemort: So what shall we do now? We can torture Snape when Minerva gets here, so who else shall I test, Goyle, Crabbe, Avery, Knott, Puny Peter or maybe even Karkaroff, yes I think we'll test Karkaroff

Avery: Why would we test Karkaroff? It's very obvious he isn't loyal, after all Goyle had to knock him out and drag him here and even now we have him tied up over there

Karkaroff: I can still hear you, I'm not deaf

Voldemort: But you could be deaf, I know a very nifty little spell that turns you deaf for years

Knott: Let's just kill him

Voldemort: But that won't be as much fun

Peter: We don't have much time Malfoy will be back with McGonagall soon

Voldemort: Oooo I want to look my best for Minerva's arrival, kill him (exit)

Peter: Wait for me master, I can help you change (exit)

Avery: That is one perverted man

Knott: I know. Do you want to kill him or shall I?

Snape: I'll do it

Knott: Shut up Severus, we weren't talking to you

Snape: You better be nice to me, I have a deal for you

Avery: Why would we strike a deal with you, you slimy git

Snape: Because I know that neither of you are loyal to him either

Knott: Oh, well what Avery meant to say was please tell us your plan Severus

Snape: If you change the truth serum for butterbeer, he'll never know the truth, but in return you have to untie me and help me escape

Avery: Sounds fair enough, you've got yourself a deal

Karkaroff: What about me?

Knott: I can't be bothered to kill him, someone else do it

Avery: I don't want to

Karkaroff: Just let me go, I promise I'll be good and live in a cave in Russia for the rest of my life, the master never need know

Knott: All right, quick run now before he comes back

Snape: What are we going to say, when the Dark Lord comes back and wants to see the body

Avery: Oops didn't think of that

Knott: It's too late now, the master and Peter are over there and Malfoy is coming from the other direction

Voldemort: Where's Karkaroff?

Knott: Erm, Avery can explain

Avery: Well it's like this, what happened was we hit Karkaroff so hard that he just turned to dust

Voldemort: Do you honestly expect me to believe that?

Avery: Yes

Voldemort: Oh ok then, I guess you're more powerful than I thought. Ooo here's Malfoy

Malfoy: Hello master, I have brought McGonagall, she wouldn't come at first, but when she heard Snape was going to die she practically ran the whole way here

Snape: Well that's just charming

McGonagall: Slimy Sev, it's really wonderful to see you

Snape: Just kill me now, this is too much torture

Voldemort: I'll kill you in a minute, first I think Minerva and me should catch up, how longs it been?

McGonagall: About 50 years I think

Voldemort: So much wasted time, you know I left Hogwarts determined to become a rich man and then I could come back and win your love

McGonagall: Well that was a much nicer plan than what really happened. What went wrong?

Voldemort: I went in search of the wonderful tropical Lily, because I knew if I gave you that you'd fall in love with me. But I couldn't find it and I overheard somebody talking about a Lily at Hogwarts so I came back to see what it was but it turned out to just be some stupid girl. And I was so annoyed and upset that I started killing everybody I met

McGonagall: O no, poor you

Snape: WHAT, Minerva what are you doing? You're meant to be in love with me

McGonagall: Why the hell would I love you, you don't even wash

Snape: I do so, my hair's naturally silky

McGonagall: Silky? I think you mean greasy

Snape: Shut up you old hag, you'll be dead soon enough anyway, you should have retired years ago

Voldemort: Sorry to interrupt this happy reunion, but I'm conducting truth tests

McGonagall: Sounds like fun, just as long as Stupid Sev gets killed soon

Voldemort: All in good time. Avery and Knott drink the potion

Avery: Of course master

Voldemort: Ok, are you loyal to me or not?

Knott: Absolutely, I'll do anything for you

Avery: Me too, you're my all-time hero

Voldemort: Wow, how very loyal, I would never have thought it

Peter: Master, I need to go potty

Voldemort: How many times do I have to tell you to go to the toilet before we go out to these killing sprees

McGonagall: O look it's Pettigrew, can we kill him as well? Pretty please

Voldemort: Well I don't know. He is very useful to kick around

McGonagall: Oh please, it'll be funny to kill him and Smarmy Sev together

Snape: Hey, I at least deserve my own death, rat boy can find his own

Voldemort: Tell you what Minerva, we'll compromise. I'll give him the potion, if Potty Peter isn't completely loyal, we can kill him

McGonagall: But we get to kill Silly Sev whatever happens?

Voldemort: Absolutely, so Peter drink it, and don't spill any of it on the carpet, I just had it dry-cleaned after what you did last time

Peter: That's not fair, that other time was an accident

Voldemort: Whatever. How does the truth serum taste?

Peter: I have no idea

Voldemort: What the hell do you mean

Avery: Oh oh, this isn't good, I think we should run (exit)

Knott: I'm right behind you (exit)

Snape: Hey wait for me, I'm coming too (exit)

Voldemort: Peter you have 5 seconds to tell me what you mean

Peter: This isn't truth serum, it's butterbeer, you've been tricked

Voldemort: WHAT, not again. AVERY, KNOTT, SNAPE get back here now, I'm going to kill you all when I find you





George: Wow, I guess truth serum doesn't always work, erm well I'm not sure what to say, Fred's still on strike, so it's still just me, Harry did offer to co-present but I think he was trying to hi-jack my wonderful show. Hey that's a good point, this is now my show, it's mine, all mine, hahahaha





A/N: So Snape escapes to fight another day. Poor McGonagall, she thought she was finally going to beat him, oh well maybe next time