3157
Bura-sama
Saturday.10.13.01
Monday.10.15.01
Disclaimer: Digimon belongs in no way to me. I'm making no profit from this sicko story. Really, I'm not. I don't own the characters, I'm merely using them for my sick and twisted fantasies, and no infringement is intended.
Warnings: This is a Takari (Takeru X Hikari); Takato (Takeru X Yamato); Hikeru (Hikari X Takeru); and Yamakeru (Yamato X Takeru). This fic features both heterosexual and homosexual situations, rape, incest, suicide, and mild lime scenes. You have been warned, and any damage this fic might do to your mental stability is strictly your own fault.
Notes: Italics mean flashback.
Glass Doll
chapter one
"Takeru, we can't." Broken silence, cutting into the room like jagged glass.
"Why not?" Innocent, curious, slightly alarmed.
"Because, we can't. What would our parents do if they found out?" The unwelcome and unwanted voice of reason.
"But I want to. You wouldn't say no to me, would you Yamato? You told me you'd never say 'no' to me." Still so innocent, and yet upset, troubled, angry.
"I also said I'd never hurt you. Believe me about this one, Takeru, this will hurt you." A calm thought in the dead of night.
"...but...?" On the verge of tears, wanting so bad to just cry.
"Takeru, physically and emotionally, this will hurt. I don't want to see you in pain, little brother. Don't make me do something we'll both regret." Pleading with hope and dignity, praying not to hurt.
"... I love you, Yamato, and if you're not ready to love me back, then I'll just have to wait." A carefree, happy grin; bright, innocent eyes. So fragile, like a little glass doll.
---
It was so hard, Takeru reflected wearily as he closed his eyes. He was standing in front of a mirror, trying to figure out the person staring back at him. Golden blond hair, shining blue eyes, an innocent... happy... smile. The smile of lies and deceit. That was all his life was anymore, or so he had decided as he briskly splashed cool water over his face and reached for his toothbrush. He grabbed a tube of toothpaste from the cabinet, and started to brush his teeth. He stared into the mirror as his mind strayed.
"Stop lying to me Takeru. Is there someone else?" Pain-filled words desperately seeking truth and understanding.
"God, Hikari! How could you say that? You know I love you..." Lies cut into his skin like a blade.
"I do know that you love me Takeru, but I wonder how much. I stay awake at night sometimes, just staring at the ceiling. I think to myself, 'Hikari, you've got everything. You have family, friends, a great guy -- but why does it all feel so empty?' And I try, and I try, and I try to find the answer. I search everywhere, but I just can't figure out why it feels so fake. So maybe you have the answer for me Takeru, maybe you can tell me why I'm so empty inside." Silence hung in the room like a noose, and Takeru couldn't breath.
He took a step forward, and gently cupped her face in his hands. "Hikari, I'm scared sometimes. I wake up at night, and I can't remember who I am or where I belong. I feel like everything around me is a foolish mirage. I try to scream out for help, and no one is there. I try to cry, but the tears won't fall. I can't breathe, and no matter where I look, there is no air." He paused and started into her eyes. "Yes Hikari, I love you. I love you as a friend, I love you as more. I can't make sense of it all right now, so I can't give you a better answer." His arms fell to his sides, and he turned his attention to the floor. "Just give me some time to get my head clear, and then--"
He was interrupted as Hikari suddenly reached out and kissed him on the cheek. Takeru was taken back for a moment, before returning the kiss. "I've got to go," She whispered quietly before pulling on her jacket and walking to the door. "I'll call you later, okay?"
It wasn't okay, Takeru reflected bitterly. It was far from okay. He was lying to his best friend. She trusted him fully, and he wasn't completely open with her. He spat the remaining toothpaste from his mouth and reached for the bottle of mouthwash. He didn't know what he was doing, he couldn't think straight. He sighed fitfully, and then glanced into the mirror again. "I'll be okay. She'll be okay."
Liar.
---
Takeru stared down at his math homework, his mind had deserted him before he had even opened the book. His gaze never shifted from the problem in the textbook, and he chewed absently on his eraser. He hadn't moved in the last fifteen minutes. His desktop lamp shone brightly onto the the table, creating a sharp contrast with the dark atmosphere in the room. He was almost asleep when he heard footsteps behind him. He didn't bother to even turn around, "I didn't mean to wake you." He slowly cut the lamp off and turned to the figure behind him.
She was wearing his bathrobe, much too big for her which left the sleeves hanging down past her hands. Moonlight shadowed her eyes while illuminating her swollen lips which were curved up in a pout and her perfectly smooth skin that just begged to be touched. She had her hands on her hips as she glared at her lover -- more precisely, his math homework. "This makes me feel really good right now," She whispered into the darkness. She suddenly had her hands on his shoulders, her tender mouth giving his neck feather light kisses. "Come back to bed, Takeru." Hikari smelled like him, Takeru noted. More accurately, she smelled like sex. Her hand snaked down into his wrinkled pajama top, her fingers teasingly brushing across his chest. "Come back to bed, Takeru. I'll make it worth your while..."
Takeru rose from the chair, and slipped Hikari's arm through his as they walked back to the bed. The pale moonlight set everything awash in pale blues and grays. Still, Takeru could see the dark red, almost black, misshapen circle in the floor.
"Takeru. Takeru, let's make it real. Please Takeru, I want you. I need you." Hikari pressed needy kisses against his neck and shoulder. "Please, Takeru." He found himself kissing her back, his hands sliding her skirt off her hips as he pushed her toward his bed. He was moaning her name, touching her everywhere he could manage. Suddenly, Hikari tensed up, and pulled in the opposite direction. "Not the bed, Takeru. It'll be too messy." Another fervid kiss to his neck.
"Then where...?"
"The floor will work," She noticed his uncomfortable silence and halfhearted kisses. "Don't worry about me, Takeru. I've always wanted my first time to be with you..."
Hikari noticed what he was looking at, and gave him a little push for encouragement. "Come on, Takeru. It didn't hurt too bad."
"I don't want to hurt you, Hikari. I don't want to cause you pain." Ragged, heavy breathing. Breaking the silence the two had previously shared.
"I know it'll hurt me, Takeru. The longer we talk about it, the more it is gonna hurt me. Just get it over with." Her arms were wrapped tightly around his neck, begging for reassurance, preparing for pain. A shout into the night, the reluctance of unshed tears. More heavy breathing and an almost delirious moan. "The worst is over with, Takeru... I won't hurt anymore..."
Takeru's gentle fingers reached up and softly caressed her face. His other hand slid the bathrobe from her shoulders and onto the floor. Her hands reached down and tugged his boxers off. One deep kiss, then another, and then another. And this time there was no cry of pain, only pleasured moaning as she sounded out his name, over and over again.
He rolled off of her, sweat making his hair cling to his forehead. Deep breaths, Takeru. One breath at a time, just one breath at a time. It'll be okay. Look, Hikari's breathing, you can breathe, too. She looked so tired, sleep had almost overtaken her. She moved closer to her lover, her lips right next to his ear. Her arm reached out and grabbed onto his arm, using his shoulder as her pillow. "...I love you, Takeru."
"Yamato. Yamato, I love you." A much younger Takeru, a much more innocent Takeru.
"I love you, too... Takeru..." A much happier, a much more emotionally balanced Yamato. A brotherly pat on the shoulder, and then a look into those innocent deep blue eyes. "Though that's not what you mean, is it Takeru?"
"No, Yamato. I love you. I want to be with you. Don't you want to be with me? Don't you love me?" Desperately clinging to his older brother's leg like his life depended on it.
"I do love you, you're my little brother. I just can't think about you in the way you want me to." He was trying to be calm, he was trying to remain in control of the situation.
"Then you don't love me?" Innocence dissolved into unhappiness. A tear rolled down his cheek.
"No, no, Takeru. You don't understand. It's because I love that I won't do what you want me to do." Also unhappy, also trying to understand.
A quick kiss pressed against unsuspecting lips. "Please, Yamato. Please do this for me..."
Gentle and patient hands pulling the younger hands down. "Takeru, we can't." Broken silence, cutting into the room like jagged glass.
"Why do I do this to myself?" Takeru asked quietly as he listened to Hikari breathing against his side. He looked down to her sweet-smelling hair. "Why do I do this to her?" Guilt stole into his heart, and he just stared at the ceiling. She deserves so much better than me. She deserves to be so much happier. I wish there was a way. I wish there was a way I could love her with all of my heart.
---
Takeru's fingers were starting to turn numb, but he relentlessly continued scrubbing the carpet. He pushed back the sleeve on his white shirt, and submerged the cleaning brush and his hand into the bucket of carpet cleaner. As he looked down to the bright pink stain on his floor, he wished he didn't have white carpet. He momentarily stretched his fingers and tried to get the blood circulating in his fingertips again. After that brief pause, he set to work again, determined to have no trace of blood in his carpet.
"I've heard a lot of 'morning after' stories from the girls at school. The guy leaves before she wakes up; the awkward moments where he promises to call, but never does; the occasional one where he takes off with half of her stuff and she doesn't even know his name. This one is new, Takeru." Takeru didn't even turn around as Hikari walked up to stand right behind him. "I wake up from my first time to see my boyfriend cleaning house. Really romantic, Takeru."
She didn't even wait for him to reply as she made her way straight to his bathroom, and none-to-gently shut the door behind her. "Good morning to you, too, Hikari." He vigorously scrubbed at the carpet, ignoring the sound of his shower running. Satisfied that he had removed the stain, Takeru put the cleaning supplies next to his door, and then walked to the window. He pushed back the drapes, allowing warm sunlight to flood into the room. The floor would be dry within hours, and no one would ever have to know. He walked over to the window, staring down as people all around started another day of their lives. It was so empty, so meaningless. He glanced back to the bunched up blankets, picked up a pillow from the floor, and started making his bed.
He was dimly aware of the fact that the water had stopped running. He could almost hear water dripping onto his tiled bathroom floor. He turned around and looked at Hikari. She was wrapped up in a towel, barely covering her body. Water dripped from her hair and onto his meticulously clean carpet. She stared at him, watched him making sure everything was nice and clean. She couldn't even tell that this was the same room where they had made love the night before. "Do you regret having sex with me, Takeru?"
Takeru dropped the pillow he was picking up, and spun around to face Hikari, "No! Of course I don't regret making love with you. How could you even think that?"
She wasn't to be that easily convinced, "Tell me, Takeru. Would you do it again if you were given a choice?" Her voice was so calm, pleading to Takeru, almost begging him to say 'yes'. He didn't answer. "Answer me, Takeru. Would you do it again?"
"It's not that easy, Hikari." His voice was a gentle letdown.
She walked over to her pile of discarded clothes and picked up her skirt. She instantly dropped it. "I can't wear these clothes. I just can't do it." Takeru started going through his closet, and handed her a sleeveless red shirt and neon green bicycle shorts. She looked at him oddly before slipping them on and running a hand through her hair. She picked up her sex-stained clothes and curtly walked out the door.
Takeru stared behind her, watching as she slammed the door to his apartment and disappeared down the hall. He picked up the towel and took it to the bathroom again and dropped it in the clothes hamper. He sighed, and looked into the mirror. "Is it possible to love two people with the same amount of passion?"
---
Takeru watched as his mother left their apartment. He waited until he saw her step into the elevator, then locked the door and went to his room. He looked down at the carpet, half-expecting a dark red stain to be there. The carpet was spotless. His sheets and covers didn't have a wrinkle. He could still smell the air freshener smell in his room. This was his room, the room of innocent, sweet, little Takeru. This wasn't the room where he had stolen a girl's virginity. This wasn't the room where he had broken her heart the next morning.
She was pressed up against his locker, waiting for him to get out of class. He looked down at her textbook. It was sex education week for girls. Her once innocent eyes were so sad, so darkened. He felt as if he had rubbed dirt all over her body. "I feel like such a fool..." She wiped tears away from her eyes. "I keep taking showers, at home and at school. I feel dirty, I feel tainted. You made me feel used and dirty, Takeru. I never realized how much I would regret loosing my virginity to someone who can't love me back."
He reached under his bed and pulled out a six-pack of beer. He opened one and plopped down on his bed. It was gone within seconds. "...I feel dirty, I feel tainted..." He opened another, trying to drown Hikari's sorrow. "... you made feel used and dirty..." A third can was added to the pile. "...I never realized how much I would regret..." He opened a fourth, but paused before drinking, "I'm sorry, Hikari." He emptied it down his throat, and reached for another. He opened it, but didn't drink. He walked to the kitchen, and emptied it down the drain. The last beer met the same fate, and Takeru walked back to his bed.
"But you're wrong, Hikari. I do love you..." He desperately tried to plead with her. He just wanted to stop those tears from leaving her eyes.
"You do? Then why do I feel like I'm second place in your heart?" She was angry, torn, and just wanted it all to go away.
He didn't answer immediately. Then, as the people began to leave the halls and go home, he closed his eyes, and bowed his head. "Hikari, do you believe that it's possible to love two people with the same amount of passion? That one person is not more important that the other?"
Hikari looked at him for a moment before turning away. "No, I don't. I believe in 'one and only'. I think that a person only has room in their heart for one love of their life." She let her arms hang numbly at her sides. "Is this what this is all about? You love someone else?" He nodded slowly. "And they return these feelings? They love you more than I do?" He shook his head. She nodded, and picked up her books. "I hope they love you back, Takeru. I hope you can find someone who you can love as much as I love you." She walked away.
Takeru stared as she left. "It's not that easy, Hikari. You can't understand."
He lay on his bed, letting the alcohol fuzz the edges of his brain. Everything seemed so dense. Nothing was working right, just like when he was younger.
"Yamato, why don't you love me?" Takeru whispered as he and his brother lay on the couch together.
"Takeru, we've been through this before. It's incest; it's unclean and wrong." Yamato uneasily looked down at his little brother.
"What's incest?" So innocent, so unknowing. Begging to be broken.
"It's when people who are related marry each other." He wasn't quite sure what to say.
"But we're not gonna get married, so it's all okay, right?" Desperate for anyway around the truth.
"It's not just marriage. It's when... parents and children, brothers and sisters... brothers, have sex." He was sure he could feel the blush covering his face.
"What's wrong with that, if they love each other?" He never got an answer.
---
He stared at the television, waiting for his mother to come home. He looked back to the table, where the other plate was sitting uselessly in front of an empty chair. He didn't even know why he bothered sometimes. His mother was obviously working late. He concentrated on the television show playing on the tv. It was a cheesy soap opera, and he couldn't even remember why he had turned it on.
"...I'm sorry, John. I've found someone new..."
"Who is it, Anne? Who has stolen you away from me?!"
"I'm sorry... but I've left you for... your brother!"
Takeru rolled his eyes and hit the power switch. That depressing show was not helping his self-esteem. He was almost asleep, arm hanging off of the couch, when he heard the door open. "Were you stuck in traffic again, Mom?"
No answer.
"Mom?"
No answer.
Beginning to get worried, Takeru rolled off the couch and almost silently walked to the door. It was dark inside the apartment, and he fleetingly wondered when the sun had disappeared over the horizon. Lightning crashed outside in the moonless sky. He hadn't even noticed when it had begun to storm. The lightning flashed again, revealing a figure standing in front of the hallway, silhouetted by the light in the hall. Rainwater dripped off of the figure's shoulders. A shaking crash of thunder vibrated against the windows. Lightning flashed across the sky.
Takeru screamed.
