*~*~*
Some time later Hitchcock rounded the corner to the fitness room aboard the seaQuest, where she hoped to find Ben. Actually it would be extremely unusual for her ex-husband to be there – Ben was rarely seen anywhere near the 'torture chamber' as he called it. But Hitchcock had checked every other usual hangout place of his; from the Bridge to his quarters, the mess hall and the supply storage. Nothing. Until finally Lieutenant Shepherd told her that he believed he had seen Ben in the gym.
When the Lieutenant-Commander arrived at the door she could already hear someone training in there. Regular, fast thumps from someone beating the punching bag, accompanied by an exhausted panting. With a determined expression on her face Hitchcock stepped into the room. And really there was Ben, clad in a muscle shirt and shorts, beating the punching bag aggressively. He was beaded in sweat, his breath coming hard in short intervals. Ben hadn't noticed her presence yet, he kept on hitting his target in a fury, like he was trying to kill of an archenemy of his. The heavy sand bag was swinging back and forth under this attack, a big dent already forming on its most attacked side.
At the sight of Ben's obvious dark mood, Hitchcock decided to use an extra light tone for her approach. "You know, if you break this one, they're going to make you pay for it." She commented, gaining Ben's attention.
The man whirled around, surprised that he was not alone anymore. He was momentarily so distracted that he forgot about the punching bag, which came swinging back at him and crashed into his back. Ben stumbled forward in an attempt to keep his balance. And Hitchcock automatically reached out to steady him.
"Thanks." Ben mumbled, then he looked up at her. "What are you doing in here?" He asked.
"Well first of all this is a public place, you see, anybody who wants can come here." The Lieutenant-Commander stated, finally letting go of Ben's arm. She studied his features for a moment. His dark eyes were flashing and sweat was running down his forehead and temples, making his hair stick closely to his head. For a few seconds Hitchcock remembered a time when the two of them had been at the academy together; Ben had wanted to prove that he could outrun her the way down the courtyard, and they had ended up at a field ten miles away from the academy, both of them beaded in sweat and had agreed to call it a draw. That day he had looked exactly the same he looked now; except for his eyes – they had been softer back then... But Hitchcock pushed the memories away and continued. "But actually I came to talk to you."
"Why, what's going on, is something wrong?"
"That's what I'm asking you."
"Huh?" Ben didn't understand immediately.
"What's going on with you?"
Finally getting what his ex-wife was talking about, Ben blocked immediately. He didn't want to talk about this! "I really don't know what you mean." He lied.
"Oh, don't you lie to me, Ben." Hitchcock told him. "I mean what you're doing with Lucas; or rather what you're not doing with Lucas. You haven't visited him or talked to him ever since the meeting!"
"I simply haven't had the time so far." Ben declared. "When should I have gone to see Lucas? I did a double shift on the Bridge."
Hitchcock snorted. "Yeah, one you personally asked for – I asked Commander Ford. He said he thought that it was either judgment day and water's high or he was going nuts at last: You of all people asking for a double shift! An Ensign even claimed this to be the first sign of the coming Armageddon!"
"Cute. But believe me, I had my reasons." The Lieutenant said coldly.
"And those would be?"
"You wouldn't understand."
"Try me."
Inwardly Ben groaned. Of all people it had to be his ex-wife who noticed his lack of visits to Lucas. The man simply knew that she would be pushing and digging and prying and what else until she had her answers. Katie could be so insistent and stubborn at times it drove Ben crazy – but then, this had been one of the reasons why he had loved and married her in the first place.
With a much softer voice Hitchcock continued. "Ben, you know you can trust me. Just tell me – why?"
Unable to stand the look in those piercing ice blue eyes Ben turned around, driving his hands through his hair again and again, his head bent down. "Because I just can't stand it..." He whispered finally.
"Can't stand what?"
"Don't you already know that?" Heavily he sat down on a working bench and buried his head in his hands, groaning. "I just can't stand the thought of Lucas being out there on his own – all alone, left to die. And I'm the one who sends him there! I could as well kill him with my own hands!"
"Do you really believe that?" Hitchcock inquired quietly.
"Of course I do. What else could possibly happen to him there?"
She choose rather not to answer that question and instead asked; "Then, why did you agree to let Lucas go?"
"Do you really have to ask that, Katie?" Ben asked, for once forgetting all about ranks and 'Lieutenant Hitchcock'; and looked up at her. "Because I'm his friend. And because he pleaded, no, he begged, for it. You weren't there, Katie; you didn't see him! But I did. And God knows, I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that sight. So how could I not let him go?" He asked desperately, burying his head again. "Because he is my friend..." He whispered in his hands, repeating himself again and again.
"Yes, Lucas is your friend... But then I don't understand why you aren't with him now." Hitchcock said.
Ben stood up and looked sadly at his ex-wife, all his misery written clearly on his face. "I can't go see him because of me. I hate myself for what I'm doing, so how could I look into his eyes. Won't he come to hate me, too, once he sees what a person I truly am?"
At this Hitchcock once again became aware that she was one of the few people Ben allowed to see this rather vulnerable part of him. For almost everybody else he was constantly playing the clown, the man without any common sense. But she knew that despite his seemingly carefree exterior, Ben did value such things as family and friends and really cared deeply about them and their opinion of him. And Lucas was one of those precious friends for him. No wonder he was afraid what Lucas would think of him, even though Hitchcock knew that there was no reason to be afraid. She grabbed Ben's shoulders firmly and gave him a little shake. "Ben, how on earth can you believe that for even one second? Lucas could never hate you – haven't you noticed that he righteously worships you? He looks up to you like to an older brother. And when you let him go now, just like that, without any real good bye, you'll regret it, Ben. You both will."
Ben looked at her, still doubtfully. "What am I gonna say to him?"
The Lieutenant smiled warmly at him. "I can't tell you that, Ben. But I'm sure you're going to find the right words."
"You really think so?" Ben asked, his face already lighting up visibly. At her nod he continued. "Then I'll go to him, right now." And he turned to the door and headed out.
"Good... Believe me, Ben, it'll all work out." Hitchcock said. When Ben had almost reached the door, already deep in thoughts, she raised her voice again. "Oh, and Ben? One good piece of advice before you go see the boy..."
"Yeah?" He turned around to face her again. "What is it?"
"Take a shower first. Your sweaty scent isn't that much of a perfume or room refresher..."
Ben gave a short, relieved laugh, his mood already bettering. "I promise, I will." He paused, looking at her. "And Katie, thank you. Thank you very much." With that he walked out swiftly.
"You're welcome, Ben." His ex-wife replied, knowing fully that he wasn't talking about the 'shower advice'.
*~*
When Ben Krieg reached the Moon Pool some time later, he found the area empty and deserted. The Lieutenant stopped dead in his tracks, surprised. He hadn't expected this – he had firmly counted on Lucas being with Darwin in the Moon Pool – where else would he go?
Then Ben noticed with a start that the outer doors of the pool were open. In a rush memories of the day that Lucas had fled from the seaQuest came flooding back to Ben's mind. Surely the boy wouldn't try that again – or would he? Even now that they had promised to bring him to his family?
Ben jumped when someone tapped on his shoulder; he hadn't heard anyone walking in on him – this seemed to happen to him rather frequently lately. He turned around so quickly that his face was but inches away from his intruder's, which caused Justine to jump back in surprise.
"Woah!" She exclaimed. "Easy there!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you come in." With his mind returning to the more urgent matter of Lucas' whereabouts, Ben grabbed the young woman's shoulders and gave her a light shake.
"Justine, quickly, tell me, do you know where Lucas is?"
Remembering whom she was talking to, and that she was very angry about that person, Justine's friendly manner changed completely in less than a second. With a step back she withdrew from Ben's grasp before she answered him. "Why would you, of all people, care?" She asked, her expression and voice growing cold.
Ben stared at her amazed. "What do you mean, me of all people? I'm Lucas' friend, of course I care!"
"Yeah, sure!" She commented dryly, obviously not believing Ben.
Of course Ben noticed this, and it slowly made him angry. Here he was, worried for his young friend, not knowing where he was, and had to deal with the attitude of a wannabe-grown-up who treated him like a total jerk! Like far too often, Ben's temper got the better of him, and he snapped at Justine. "Are you nuts? Believe it or not, I am Lucas' friend! And now tell me where he is!" He demanded, grabbing the young woman's wrist.
Justine slapped his hand away, by now equally as furious as Ben. Her
green eyes were glowing in anger, and one could see that she really would have
liked to hit the Lieutenant in front of her square across the face.
"Who do you think you are?" She shouted furiously. "First you ignore Lucas, in
a time that he would have needed a friend the most, and then you have the nerve
to come here now, give me orders like
one of those stupid all-military guys and then you even dare to say that you're
Lucas' friend! If it were so, you would have come here a lot earlier!"
Ben had never believed that anyone could have an ice-glare and a lecture tone that rivaled his ex-wife's, but here he found himself facing the living counterevidence. And Justine wasn't finished with her speech yet, taking a breath she continued, her voice growing a little disappointed, though she hid behind a wall of insults.
"After what Lucas told me of you I never thought you were that low, you no-good, son-of-a..."
During Justine's heated speech Ben's temper slowly cooled down again. Justine had every right to be angry with him, and he knew it. She was right in what she was saying, and after all Ben had admitted as much only a short time ago to his ex-wife, who had used the same arguments – however, in a somewhat less heated way.
Ben raised his outstretched hands, palms turned outward, signaling that he yielded and that he wanted to say something.
Justine broke off in mid-insult, finally noticing Ben's altered expression. By now he looked really guilty and miserable. She hadn't thought that her words and her insults would have such a strong effect on him – she hadn't even gotten around yet to use the really bad insults... Expectantly she stemmed her hands on her hips and looked at the man in front of her.
Somewhat hesitantly Ben began, "I guess you have every right to say all this – and even more... Katie made me realize this only a short time ago. I assume it was you who sent her to chew me out?"
Justine nodded slightly. Against her will and better judgement, she found herself softening towards the Lieutenant and his look of complete misery.
Slowly Ben continued, "Look, I'm really sorry for what I did – or rather did not... Instead of being there for my best friend I choose to be selfish and pity myself for what I did to him, for sending him away. But now somebody made me realize my mistake and I'm here to see Lucas and apologize to him; can you understand that?"
Again Justine nodded. A warm smile was spreading across her face; obviously she had been wrong in her opinion about Ben. "Yeah, I understand that."
"Good." Relieved at seeing the young woman cool down, Ben ran a hand through his hair. "Now would you tell me where he is? Or," Ben felt fear gripping him again at the mere thought, "is he already gone?"
"Gone?" Justine frowned looking at him. "What do you mean with 'gone'?"
"Well, I mean it just like that: Is Lucas gone?" Gesturing to the open outdoors of the pool, Ben explained how he had come in and believed that Lucas had left the seaQuest again since the outdoor were standing open.
"Oh, that made you think Lucas was gone?" Justine laughed softly. "No the doors are open because someone let Darwin out to go feeding. Lucas is sleeping soundly in his quarters."
"Do know that for sure?" At Justine's convinced nod the Lieutenant let out a sigh of relief and sat down on the edge of the pool.
Justine laughed softly at how he looked like a heavy burden had been taken from him, then she grew solemn again. "Come on Ben, do you really think Lucas would be that stupid?" She asked him. "To leave now that we are taking him home?"
"No, actually not." Ben looked up at her. "To be honest I don't know what I was thinking. I swear, when I came in here and found the area empty and the doors open I truly believed that he was gone, and that I had missed my last chance..." His voice trailed off and he stood up.
As he walked past her Justine took hold of his arm. "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to go see Lucas."
"But I told he was fine. He's sleeping."
"Yeah, I know. But I guess I have to see him for myself to convince myself completely; you understand?" At Justine's hesitant nod he continued. "Look, I promise I won't disturb him and let him sleep. But I just have to see him."
With this he walked out of the room, leaving Justine alone by the Moon Pool. Smiling she watched his retreating back. 'It seems, I was indeed wrong about my opinion of him' she mused, forgetting completely that only a few minutes ago she had been very close to strangling this man.
*~*
A few minutes later Ben was standing in front of Lucas' quarters, unsure what to do. No sound was coming from the room and through the small window in the door Ben could only see shadows, the bluish illumination from the aqua tubes being the only source of light. Gathering his courage Ben opened the door as quietly as possible. He had dismissed the idea of knocking first because should Lucas indeed be asleep he didn't want to wake the boy. So he stepped in quietly and stopped at the entrance, leaving the door slightly ajar. The unmistakable scent and the warmth of a small, stuffed and inhabited room tickled in his nose. After his eyes had adjusted to the dimness, Ben looked around. He could make out the shadowy forms of various piles of clothes in differing states of use, magazines, books, and what else on the floor, the chairs and also on the tables and cupboards that were loaded with computers and technical equipment. The typical mess of a teenager's controlled chaos. Ben smiled to himself; at least in this way Lucas seemed to be unchanged; his room always looked like a rather big bomb had just dropped in there.
On the far side of the room, right under the passing aqua tubes, was Lucas' bunk. And from the dark human form on it, it was clear that it was being used. Slowly Ben stepped closer to it, careful not to step on one of the piles of clothes on the floor, which turned out to be quite a challenge. As he neared the bunk Ben could make out a handful of blonde hair, shining darkly in the aqua tubes soft light.
Yes, that was definitely Lucas sleeping there, curled up to ball under the blanket, his head resting on his arm, facing Ben. His breathing was coming regularly, he was sound asleep. Ben stood watching him for a minute, enjoying the calmness that the boy was radiating in sleep. Then he turned to leave again; his worries stilled. But when he was just about to go, he saw out of the corner of his eyes a glimpse of the light reflected in Lucas eye. This made Ben move back surprised to the boy and look more closely at him.
There was no doubt about: Lucas' left eye was open, looking in Ben's direction.
"Lucas? Are you awake?" Ben asked in a whisper. But Lucas didn't move the slightest, and his breathing was still perfectly regular – he was sound asleep. Yet his left eye was standing open and when Ben moved carefully he found that Lucas' pupil slowly followed his every move. It was an eerie sight and Ben shuddered.
"Lucas?" Ben's voice broke the complete silence in the room for a moment, then it turned silent again. Still no reaction from the teenager.
Suddenly Ben remembered something Lucas had told him once. They had been working by the Moon Pool – well, Lucas had been working on the vocoder with Darwin drifting half asleep in the pool while Ben had been sitting idly next to the boy, playing around with some loose wires. Somehow they had ended up talking about dolphins and Lucas had explained Ben how dolphins were sleeping: Since their breathing wasn't a reflex, like it was the case with humans, dolphins had to breathe consciously, they slept with one eye and one ear open, Lucas had told him. Thus they were always resting only one half of the brain, while the other half of the brain took care of surfacing and breathing in regular intervals. By this they were also watching out for dangers, never letting down their defenses completely. Ben, being in an arguing and interested mood at that day, had asked whether dolphins would sleep with both eyes closed if they could be absolutely sure that there was no danger. Lucas in his best lecture mode, had said that the question made no sense at all, since there was still the problem of breathing for the dolphins; but after Ben had argued further and further – mostly to annoy his young friend – the boy had given in, primarily in an attempt to silence Ben: Yes, if there wasn't the matter of breathing, and they knew that they were completely safe, dolphins would probably rest with both eyes closed.
Thinking about that discussion, Ben watched Lucas sleeping with 'one eye and one ear open'. He remembered now almost every detail of their conversation. He had said then that it must be impossible to really rest with one eye opened. Lucas had argued that you'd get used to pretty much everything, and he'd even suggested that Ben should try someday to sleep like that. Of course Ben had dismissed it like any other stupid joke then. But thinking of it again, seeing it in the new light of the events of the last month, there was the high chance that Lucas had actually meant it.
Ben shook his head. He had never completely understood the boy – never found it necessary to; in his opinion everybody was entitled to have few secrets. But now, in the last weeks, Lucas had become even more of a mystery to him. Ben just didn't know which of the things he knew about the teenager was true and which had only been a show to deceive them all. All the things that Lucas had told Ben about himself (and it hadn't been much to begin with) – nothing but lies? And their friendship? This special bond they had seemed to share, this kind of trust among them? Had that also been just show or was that true? He simply couldn't tell...
Sighing slightly Ben turned to leave. Lucas would never have to know that he had been here. Yet when he stepped towards the door Ben thought he heard the slightest whisper, barely more than a breath.
"No..."
The Lieutenant whirled around.
"Lucas?" The boy was still lying completely immobile on his bed, breathing regularly, with one eye fixed on Ben. He hesitated, unsure what to do. Could it be that he had imagined it? But then Ben saw Lucas' lips move slightly.
"Stay..." The boy murmured ever so softly; Ben couldn't tell if it was consciously or not since Lucas didn't move otherwise.
Coming to a decision, Ben shoved the clothes from the nearest chair on the floor and sat down next to Lucas' bed. Looking at the boy's face again, the Lieutenant found him staring back at him with his one open eye. For a long time they were just looking at one another. Then Ben hesitantly stretched out his arm and took Lucas' hand that was resting next to his face. In a slow response Lucas softly curled his fingers around Ben's. Then he blinked several times with his open eye. Eventually his eyelid began to drop, and he fell asleep completely, snuggling deeper into the covers. The bluish light from the aqua tubes illuminated his relaxed face, highlighting his features here, shadowing them there. Ben just watched his friend sleep. He looked so peaceful in his slumber, completely at ease.
Lucas' amused voice came back to Ben's mind, sounding with a hint of yielding. 'Yes, Ben... If there wasn't the matter of breathing, I guess that dolphins would sleep 'normally' with both eyes closed when they knew that there was absolutely no danger and they are completely safe. Are you content now?'
Ben smiled down at his sleeping friend – sleeping with both eyes closed.
*Yes, Lucas, I am content now!* He thought.
*~*
Meanwhile Captain Bridger was standing in the hydro garden, bent over a box with young seedlings. Drops of sweat were forming on the Captain's forehead, as a result from the unusual warmth in the room. That and the high atmospheric humidity gave the plants in the room the perfect conditions for growing, but it also helped to create the special atmosphere of the room that Bridger valued so much. Usually it helped him relax and get his mind off his problems for a while.
Here in the hydro garden it was just him and the plants – and the heat. Bridger wiped the new pearls of sweat away from his forehead with the back of his hand. He was grateful for the short breeze of fresh air that swayed into the room when the door opened, then closed again when somebody stepped in. The Captain didn't bother to turn around to see who was there. If it was someone from the science research team who came in here to get one of the plants for an experiment, he or she would know not to disturb the Captain; and if it was not – well then he would know it soon enough.
And sure enough, after a short moment someone stepped beside him, looking at small plants he was cutting to size. Without turning his head Bridger saw, out of the corner of his eyes, a bunch of reddish-brown hair and smiled to himself. Dr Westphalen; he should have know it. Keeping silent he waited for her to start a conversation; she wouldn't have come in here without a purpose. He didn't have to wait for too long.
"Thought I'd find you in here..." She told him, her soft British accent tickling in his ears.
"Hmmm..." Bridger mumbled. "Yeah, I couldn't sleep and since even Chief Crocker told me that he didn't want to see me anywhere near the Bridge for the next few hours, I figured I might as well do something useful..." He explained finally.
"So you came here?"
"Hmmm... It seemed to be the best choice, and furthermore I guess I needed some time alone."
"Oh, shall I leave again?" Dr Westphalen asked politely, not wanting to unnerve Bridger.
"No, it's alright." He said. At her doubtful look he added, "Please stay, Kristin. I... I enjoy your company."
The doctor smiled softly, then she took up one of the small pruning shears and joined the Captain in his task. For some minutes they just worked side by side in a comfortable silence.
Eventually Dr Westphalen spoke up in a soft voice. "We'll be there soon, won't we?" She asked. She didn't have to elaborate on where 'there' was. It was clear that every conversation would sooner or later lead to the one subject. Lucas.
A strange strangled sound came from the depth of Bridger throat before he answered. "Yeah, just a couple more hours before..." He broke off, turning aside so that Dr Westphalen wouldn't see the tortured expression on his face.
"How do you plan on finding Lucas' pod? I mean there are surely several different dolphin pods in the area..." The doctor questioned further, trying to get Bridger to really talk.
He answered her question promptly, however, he still refused to look at her. "Pretty much similar to how we found Darwin's pod. We have a tape of our last encounter with Lucas' pod." Bridger paused; the expression 'Lucas' pod' still stroke him as odd, almost impossible. Furthermore the uninvited image of Lucas diving with a bunch of dolphins came to his mind, a scene that had been displaying itself before his inner eyes for days now. Forcing his voice to sound more calm and detached than he actually felt, Bridger continued. "We'll compare the visual of their sonar sounds with those of the dolphin pods we encounter in the area. We still have the program that Lucas wrote for it, so it shouldn't be too difficult."
Dr Westphalen nodded, remembering the time when they had searched for Darwin's family. It had obviously pained Lucas to lose his best friend aboard the seaQuest, but he had nonetheless helped them the best he could. When asked about his feelings then, he had shrugged it all off, or simply ignored them and changed the topic. However, the night after Darwin had returned to his pod, Dr Westphalen had found him alone in the dark by the now empty Moon Pool, crying his eyes out. After he had realized that she was there, the teenager had made her promise that she would never tell anybody about it. The doctor had tried to comfort him by telling him that Darwin was happy were he was now and that it was the best for him. Lucas had answered that he fully agreed with her about that, but it still hurt. Then he had said that even though he knew that it was selfish that he wished Darwin could have stayed or, if that wasn't possible, that he, Lucas, could have gone with him. It was only now that it occurred to Dr Westphalen that perhaps already at that time Lucas had secretly wished to return to his dolphin family. Now she began to wonder for how long the boy had actually felt that way.
Equally lost in his thoughts Bridger repeated, "Just a couple more hours... And then..." He broke off and then suddenly whirled around to face her. "Oh, Kristin!" He exclaimed. "I don't think I can pull through with it! I know I promised to but I can't! What am I to do?"
The doctor gulped hard; it was a rare sight to see Captain Bridger lose control over his feeling like that. "Honestly, I don't know what you should do, Nathan." She answered him weakly. She paused, composing herself, then continued. "I know that Justine would be shocked to hear this, maybe she would even hate me for it, but I too wish we could prevent all this. I too wish that we could make Lucas stay with us, could find a way to make things return to normal again. But we can't." She looked directly into Bridger's eyes. "It's too late now, Nathan, too late to stop what we begun. All we can do is let it run its course and deal with the outcome."
Captain Bridger looked at her wordlessly for a very long moment, and Dr Westphalen thought her heart would break at the sight of this man in front of her; the look of complete desperation on his face. For a brief second she believed that Bridger would contradict her, that he would actually make Lucas stay in order to try and find another solution.
But then Bridger nodded and turned away. "You're right..." He sighed. "Of course you are right, and I know it as well as you do. It's too late now – has been too late for a longer time than we might imagine... But that doesn't make it easier for me. That doesn't stop it from hurting..." With that Bridger quietly left the Hydro Garden.
And it was then, at the sight of his retreating back, with his shoulders slumped down, that Dr Westphalen came to realize that this might ultimately break the old man. A single person can stand only so many losses before they would destroy him completely. And they were standing the high chance that Captain Bridger was just reaching that point.
*~*~*
