!Whipped!

Part 3: A Perfect Plan Gone Wrong

"Zell? You're supposed to be the idea man here! What am I gonna do?" Moaned Squall, and he leaned against Quistis' desk. He heard something click like a camera. "What was that?"

"Trepie camera."

"A what?"

"Trepie camera. It takes a picture of Quistis' ass every time she leans against that desk, and sends it to HQ."

"THE TREPIES NOW HAVE A PIC OF MY ASS!?"

"Yeah, so? The Trepies have like, a million pictures of me mooning them."

"Why do the Trepies have pictures of you mooning them?"

"Well, you see, at first I thought it would be funny. Now, after my unfortunate accident, I have a reminder of how beautiful my butt used to be."

"Ah, yes..."

"Why me? WHYWHYWHY?" Zell sobbed, as dramatically as he could.

"Are you OK?"

"No! My once baby-soft cheeks are now scabious and gross, and nobody's ever going to want to look at them again! WAAAAAAAAAH!" He burst into tears, and even Squall was starting to feel sorry for him.

"Zell? Do you want a hug?"

"No way! I'm not some osrt of homosexual!" He yelled, his eyes now dry. Squall now wasnt even sure that Zell had actually been crying.

"Calm down Zell, it just looked like youwanted some comforting. Sorry."

"Dont ever do that to me again! Now I've got the willies." He shuddered at the thought of Squall comforting him.

"OK, I wont! But Zell, what are we going to do about my little problem with Rinoa?" Squall whispered, just in case someone was listening in.

"How are we gonna dump her?" Said Zell very loudly, and Squall put a hand over his mouth.

"Shh! There might be people who can hear you!"

"Mmph nmph gragra rumph!" Ssaid Zell angrily, and then he bit Squall's hand. Squall took his hand out of his friend's mouth.

"Ow! That hurt! And I think it's bleeding!"

"It's not bleeding." Said Zell, as the bite mark was gushing blood and Squall looked like he was going to faint from the sight of it all.

"Well, I think I'm still going to go to the Infirmery."

"Fine. Irvine's still in there, he might have an idea of what do next!" They left the classroom, Zell hobbling out on his crutches. He was quite good with them, and Squall wondered how many times he had to use them.

"Hey Zell, you been on crutches before?"

"Hell yeah. Tons of times. See, I broke my leg when I was seven, cuz I was climbing a tree and I was doing all these acrobatics on it, cuz we didnt have an monkeybars, and I fell out, and my leg went 'crunch!' And I was like 'Ow!' And there was blood everywhere cuz the bone was sticking out of my leg....And then there was this other time..." Zell babbled on the whole way about all the injuries he had ever had in his life, from knife cuts to bleeding organs, and Squall was beginning to feel ill again, because Zell was very graphic.

"Could you stop talking about that?" Said Squall, turning very green as Zell described what gangrrene was.

"What? Oh sure, we're there anyway." Sure enough, the Infirmery doors loomed overhead, and Squall rushed into the room searching desperately for Irvine, who would save him from the mad and crazy lunatic. Plus, there were band aids in there. Squall grabbed a Mickey Mouse one, and then resumed his quest. Irvine was sitting in one of the little rooms, his face freshly bandaged.

Zell was not far behind. "Ho there, O Great and Mighty genius of women!"

Irvine scowled. "I get it. What do you want now?"

"I've finally decided to believe you guys."

"It took only TWO severe maimings too!" Zell added helpfully, and Irvine put a hand to his cheek and rolled his eyes.

"And to think it could have only taken one."

"Well, I doubt it." Squall said, "Even Rinoa says I'm too picky. Cuz, I mean, if RINOA says you've got a problem, then--" He realized how his friends were glaring at him. "Oh, sorry."

"Well, you boys are lucky I'm a genius," Irvine continued, "because I already have a plan."

"Oh! I love plans!" Zell said happily, awkwardly clapping his hands together, a difficult task to do when standing up on crutches.

"It doesnt involve killing Rinoa, does it?" Squall asked suspiciously.

"Of course not bro!" Irvine said, mentally scratching off Plan A from his list. "We're just gonna pay a visit to Timber!"

"You're not going anywhere boys." Doctor Kadowacki said, walking into the room.

"But Doctor! This is for the good of mankind everywhere!"

She gave them a look. "Well, in that case..."

"Thanks darlin'" Irvine said, grabbing his friends by the arms and dragging them out of the Infirmery.

"Whew! That was close!"

"Why Timber Irvine?"

"Because, Squall, the two people who know Rinoa best in the whole world live there."

"Uh...I'm at a loss."

"ZONE AND WATTS!"

"Oh. Right. THOSE guys. Always thought they were a little on the--"

"Zell, shut up."

"Yes'm."

"Anyways, we go ask THEM for help."

"That's not much of a plan."

"And what would you do Zell?"

"Kill her. It's a helluva lot cheaper than buying a train ticket."

"ZELL!" Squall yelled.

"What?"

"Come ON." Irvine said, exasperated. The trio hopped a car to Balamb, and then proceeded on the train. No mishaps occurred, thankfully, on their way to see Zone and Watts, other than Zell muttering about jostling, and ironically enough, the two young men they were seeking were waiting on the platform casually until the SeeDs arrived.

"Sir! They're here sir!" Watts said excitedly.

"H-how did you know we were coming Watts?" Squall asked.

"We received an anonymous phone call. Man, those things are handy." Zone replied, "Now, whaddya say to grabbing a drink?"

"But we're not--"

"Tut, tut! Say no more!" Zone tossed them each a fake ID.

"Come on, before my guily conscience makes m y stomach hurt and I cant enjoy my precious alcohol." They all followed the two resistance group members, and Irvine took a good look at his "new" ID.

"Whoa. This is really well done."

Watts turned around, beaming. "Thank you sir! Made em myself!"

"Mind if I keep it?"

Watt's smile faded. "No. It'll be fifty gil."

"Aw..." Irvine hadned over the money as they entered the pub and took over a vacant table and ordered a round.

"So, the doctor is in. What is it you guys want to know?" Zone asked, taking a sip from his vodka martini.

"We uh, want to know the best way to break up with Rinoa, you know, seeeing as how you know her the best and all." Squall said, and the two Forest Owls shared a look.

"I went out with Rinoa once sir." Watts said, shuddering slightly.

"Really?" Exclaimed Zell.

"Yeah. I was twelve."

"Well, out with it dude! How'd ya break it off?" Irvine said impatiently.

"The only way a man can without losing his dignity: tell her you're gay."

"What?"

"It's the ONLY way man." Zone said.

"Well, I am DEFINETELY not the one to play your lover Squall." Irvine said the the anguishe looking young man. "NOBODY will believe I am into the homo man love."

Zone, Watts, and Irvine looked at Zell expectantly. "What? No! I dont come of as gay either!" The blonde protested.

"You collesct ceramic kittens."

"You can do gymnastics."

"You wear frilly pink underwear."

Everyone looked at Watts oddly, while Zell blushed. "It's showing." Sure enough, pink ruffles were sticking out of the top of Zells pants, which he tried to cover, with little success.

"Zell, I will buy you hotdogs for the rest of your mortal life. I'm friends with the lunch ladies." Squall offered. He had hit a weak point.

Zell hung his head. "Make that for the rest of my mortal life, PLUS the after life, and you're on."

"Fine."

"Great!" Irvine said enthusiastically, clapping Zone and Watts on the back, and dragging his two unhappy friends back to Garden.

After they left, Zone said to Watts with a chuckle: "Dude! You never went out with Rinoa!" Watts just smiled evily.

************************************************************************************************

The guys arrived back in Squall's room in a heap. Zell and Squall seemed nervous about the performance they were going to have to put on for the Sorceress, and Irvine had been trying to pep them up since they'd left Timber.

"Come on guys! Your first big scene together! Let's make it magic!"

"Shut up Irvine."

"Aw, you dont mean that. We'll script some stuff if you really--"

Rinoa burst into the room, looking quite pissed. "Squall! Where have you been all day? My feet have been killing me since after you left, and-" Rinoa looked at all the solemn faces and paused.

"Rinoa darling, I have something to tell you." Squall said, taking the brunette by the hand and leading her to sit next to him on the bed. He quickly gestured to Zell to come sit behind him, and Zell hobbled over.

"Squall, what is it?" Irvine watched the scene with interest.

"Rinoa...I"m gay. Zell and I have been..cavorting together for a while now." Squall said seriously, grabbing the blonde fighter's hand.

"Oh...I'm happy for you." Rinoa said calmly, almost TOO calmly.

"Really?"

"Yes. I just, I just want to see how happy you two are. Dont be shy. You guys dont have to hide your true feelings around me anymore, now that I know."

The trio shared a look of horror. "Pardon?"

"Kiss him. Kiss your friend!"

Neither Zell nor Squall had anticipated this, and they looked around nervously.

"Go on!" Rinoa urged, "It's not like you've never done it before!"

"That's heh, right. We do this all the time, in private, dont we Squall?"

"Yeah..." Squall grabbed Zell on either side of his face, and leaned in, lips puckered.

"Eyah! I cant do this!" Zell cried, pulling away." No hot dog, or millions of hot dogs, are worth this!"

"I KNEW it!" Rinoa yelled triuphantly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Irvine screamed, several minutes too late. Rinoa grabbed Zell and Irvine by the ears and tossed them out of Squall's room.

"Squally and I need to talk. ALONE. WITHOUT you two brainwashing him." She said, slamming the door in their faces. The martial artist and the sharpshooter paced outside Squalls' room for several hours, and eventually Rinoa came out of the dorm room, a smug smile on her face.

"You're back together, arent you?" Irvine said morosely.

"Yup. I have just one thing I want to say to you two." Rinoa walked up to the pair and grabbed theit 'happy sacks,' twisting them painfully. "Squall is MINE. If you ever come between us again, I will cut off your gentitalia and eat them in a buttercream sauce. Understood?" She twisted again for empahsis, and Zell and Irvine gulped.

"Perfectly."

"Of course."

Rinoa let go, and walked away, whistling. Zell and Irvine never meddled with Squall's love life, even though the Sorceress continued to make him her slave. However, the pair did manage to trp her in an elevator, however, let's just say, they're not available to comment.

THE END

Author's Note: I FINALLY FINISHED IT!! AFTER LIKE, A YEAR, FINALLY!! I hope you liked it, sorry I didnt warn you bout the gay bit! Mwahahaha!