Frodo awoke to the sound of a blaring horn. He pulled his head up from the steering wheel and the noise stopped. The car, too, had stopped, he noticed. He wondered where they were. Sam had just woken up but Gollum was jumping frantically.

"Foolish Hobbitses! Will get selves killed an He will findes them and takes the Precious! Awake, Awake!" The three companions seemed to be uninjured, but the car was in a poor state. The hood was smashed and crumpled and a faint steam was rising slowly from it. They gathered what they could from it, and prepared to set off on foot. Just as they were set to go, Sam halted them.

"Music, Mr. Frodo!"

"Music?! You must have hit your foolish head, Samwise! There's no one around for mi--" Frodo stopped then because he heard it too. From over a distant hill came a band of elves, led by none other than Elrond himself. They were the most graceful and wonderful things Sam had ever seen, with the exception of the clumsy little elf at the end who kept dropping his drum. The elf band approached, and Elrond spoke.

"We have searched far and traveled wide to find you here!" He said.

"Oh, thank you!" said Frodo. "We've hit a bit of car trouble, maybe you can help us." Elrond raised a pointy eyebrow.

"We didn't come here to find you," he said, annoyed. "We came for the car!" Before Elrond could explain, Legolas came running from the center of the crowd

"The Elfsex Mobile! You've finally found it! It's ours! All ours, again!" Sam and Frodo looked at each other, baffled. "YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF THE ELFSEX MOBILE??" Legolas was shocked. "Elfsex Mobiles were once the only way to travel around Middle Earth! Eventually, they died out, foolish people kept getting 'distracted' and crashing into things." Frodo looked at the ground sheepishly.

"OH MY SWEET LORD, WHAT HAVE YOU DAMN LITTLE MIDGETS DONE?" Elrond was excedingly pissed. It seemed he had just discovered the damage to the car. "You wrecked the last remaining Elfsex Mobile!" Legolas fell to his knees, mourning.

"How could you! We should have you castrated!" Legolas cried. Samwise stood away from the crowd, thanking his lucky stars Frodo's ego was too big to let him drive. Gollum seemed to have disappeared. All could have been lost in a sea of mourning and castration, had they not been saved by a miracle.

"Elrond! Legolas!" Came from the sky a booming voice. "The hobbit has done you no harm."

"Are you mad?!" Elrond swore at the sky. "He's wrecked the last remaining Elfsex Mobile! He should be punished!" The clouds cleared and in flew Gandalf on an eagle's back.

"Don't you know," he laughed. An Elfsex Mobile can never be destroyed. In order to restore it, all you need to do is...er...well...use it." At first, everyone seemed puzzled. Then Gandalf smiled as the dead marshes rang out with epiphany sounds.

"I will save the Elfsex Mobile! In the days of my forefathers, my family made its living off Elfsex Mobiles! It is my right!" pleaded Legolas. There was then a rush to the car.

"Oh please, allow me to redeem myself for my wrongdoings!" Frodo cried. Sam was now quite annoyed.

"Now, Mr. Frodo, you got to drive it here and you said I could drive back! Its my turn to drive and I want to drive!" The arguments continued. Elves and hobbits alike pushed each other aside, fighting for a chance at saving Middle Earth's last Elfsex Mobile. Gandalf stood by, watching the chaos unfold.

"Wait, friends, wait!" Through some effort he was able to calm the eager "rescuers." "Must I teach you everything? The more you use it, the happier it will be! You can ALL save it!"

The rest of the day was spent in what participants might later have called "an honerable crusade to save a historic relic," but presently "the most fun you can possibly have with 250 elves, 2 hobbits, 65 empty snapple bottles, and 1 Elfsex Mobile." As the sun set on that day (oh what a day!) of days, Frodo sat down and relaxed, leaning against the now like-new Elfsex Mobile. He was soon joined by Legolas.

"In their time these cars made quite a lucrative business, you know. We stand to make quite a profit, should we go into business." The idea of riding all over Middle Earth in the Elfsex Mobile with Legolas and getting paid for it was more tempting than Frodo could stand. He was prepared to say yes, until he remembered what he was doing there in the first place.

"That would be marvelous!....But...the ring..."

"Oh, right, that." Legolas didn't seem to terribly put out.

"Maybe, once Sam and I finish with it you can come and find us and then..." Frodo trailed off, hoping Legolas would get his drift.

"Yeah, sure, whatever....Sam...where is Samwise, anyway?" Frodo spotted Sam sitting in the lap of an elf he recognized as the clumsy one who kept dropping his drum. He seemed to be having no trouble with Sam. Legolas got up to go speak with him, but was stopped halfway there by a familiar voice.

"What's all this I hear about an Elfsex Mobile?"

"ARAGORN!" Legolas whooped in joy.

"Indeed! I got word of this momentous discovery from a vision I had in my dreams! I had thought the Elfsex Mobiles only existed in the most glorious of myths!"

"That's marvelous!" Legolas said. "I've a proposition for you then. It seems the hobbits are detained with some other matter about which I could hardly care now, what with the Elfsex Mobile and all. How would you like to go into business with me? It's an old family trade of mine, Elfsex Mobile-ing, and we could make a fortune!" Nothing more needed to be discussed. Everything seemed to be all wrapped up nicely. Their quest complete, Elrond's band of elves set out again for Rivendell, Gandalf took the wheel, and Legolas and Aragorn climbed into the back seat. Frodo and Sam waved as they drove off towards the east, but they received no return farewell. It seems they were otherwise distracted.

With the elves' depature Gollum reappeared.

"Well, Smeagol, you missed all the fun! Where've you been all this time" Frodo inquired.

"It is none of its concern where we have been, nosy hobbitsessss!" Frodo and Sam looked at other and shrugged.

"I don't know about you, Mr. Frodo, but I think elves are the greatest, greatest things to ever walk Middle Earth!" Sam bubbled.

And so they went, reminicing about mysterious sandwiches and elfsex, with Gollum leading them into terrible danger. As far as the Elfsex Mobile, it lived happily ever onward in the possesion of one Captain ShortyPants of the Epiphany Squad, waiting for the time when it will be blessed with the presence of elves in its backseat once more.

Author's note: This is the end, but what about the continuing adventures of the Elfsex Mobile? Read, review, and we shall see, my precious. The preceeding has been a Llady Llama/Captain Confused creation, a subsidiary of Epiphany Enterprises. Epiphany Enterprises does not own nor claim to own any of Tolkien's works or characters, for that would be just silly.