Sailor Moon: Secondary Characters: Happy Days
{Jon Carp}
address: jcarp@med.unc.edu
Man #1 sat and gazed at Setsuna across the dinner table. She
smiled demurely and sipped her wine.
"Setsuna," he said softly. "I've been meaning to say this to
you for a while. I...realize we've only been going out for a couple
of weeks, but this feels different than any other relationship I've
ever had. I feel... exhilerated when I'm around you. I can't explain
it. I'm not sure, but...I think I love you."
She inhaled deeply and then let it out slowly. Her smile got
wider. "Let me tell you a story," she said.
Man #1 looked suprised. That wasn't the reaction he'd
expected, but as long as she was talking to him, she could be reading
the phone book and have his rapt attention. "Sure," he said.
"This is the afternoon of my fifteenth birthday," she said.
"I was going thorugh this phase where I liked all those old spaghetti
westerns, y'know? So my parents bought me this BB gun. Oh, I loved
it. I rolled it in my hands and felt its power. It made me strong.
I dunno, I can't really explain the way it made me feel that day.
Anyway, I took it outside to the forest. After a while, I saw a
chipmunk rummaging on the ground several meters away. I bent
down... aimed... and fired!
"The chipmunk scampered away frightened. I was disappointed,
but then a white dove fell from the sky. Evidently I was a very poor
shot. I took it home and had it stuffed. I have it to this day."
She walked out of the room and returned with a small white thing in
her hand.
Man #1 examined it. "That's a couple of socks bundled
together," he said, giving her a very strange look.
Setsuna paused, then chuckled. "Well, of course. It would be
creepy keeping a dead bird for years, wouldn't it? Anyway, when that
dove fell, I realized something. Everything that happens is an
accident. I didn't try to kill it, but it's dead anyway. If I hadn't
liked the westerns, I wouldn't have gotten the gun, or if I had gone
somewhere else in the woods, I would never have seen the chipmunk.
Everything's just a coincidence. There's no mystical destiny or fate
we're all trapped in. Do you understand?"
He nodded unsurely. "I guess so. But why are you telling me
this?"
She forced herself to not smile. "We... you and me... were an
accident. But not a good one. I don't think this is going to help
either of us. We need to end it."
He stared at her in horror. "But..." he said. "But..."
"Oh sure, the sex was good, and I suppose we have kind of the
same interests, but we never really connected. I'm sorry, but I
think you should leave."
Sensitive man that he was, he started to cry. "But..." he
muttered. "But...I love you."
She grinned. "Well, the feeling is not mutual." She opened
the door for him. "Goodbye."
He stared at her for a second, then grabbed his coat and ran
at full speed outside. She slammed the door behind him, and began
laughing hysterically.
Man #2 walked arm in arm with Setsuna, watching the moon
reflected in the lake. Perfect Romantic Atmosphere.
"I want to say something to you," he murmured. "I know we've
only been going out a couple of weeks, but..."
"Wait," she cut him off. "Before you go any further, let me
tell you a story."
He blinked in suprise.
"I was twenty," she began, not waiting for a response from
him. "There was a physics professor who was kind of my mentor. He
wanted me to follow in his footsteps, become an actual scientist, and
I was very interested in the field back then, so my performance in his
class was important to both of us. Anyway, I got mono. And because
of that, I fell behind the rest of the class. The night before the
exam, I knew I should have been studying, but instead I went out to a
bar for some reason.
"So I'm sitting there drinking my beer, and this guy walks up
and just starts screaming at me in German! And so I stand up, and I'm
like, 'What the hell are you doing?' And I know I'm going to fail
that test the next day, so I'm in no mood for this, and I make it
clear through my body language that I just want to fight this guy.
But he just keeps yelling all this German. So I'm getting really mad,
but another guy comes up, and he apologizes with an impressively light
German accent. 'Sorry about my friend,' he said. 'He's not mad at
you, he's just got Turrett's syndrome. He can't help it.' I notice
this guy's attractive, so I calm down and say I'm sorry.
"The next thing I know, I'm fucking this German businessman
who's only in town for the week. Then I go off and flunk my test.
The professor was extremely disappointed in me, and that was hard to
take.
"But, see, the crazy thing is, everything worked out. I
realized that physics wasn't my thing. That might not have happened
for years if I had studied all night and done well. And the German
guy and I fell in love. He moved here, and we lived together. I
mean, he died tragically six months later, but we would never even
have met if not for my slacking off."
"How did he die?" Man #2 asked quietly.
"Oh, he stood on an escalator too long. Got sucked under.
Very sad. Very bloody. Anyway, here's my point. He was supposed to
be preparing for some presentaion the exact same night in the bar.
Both of us were supposed to be working. But we weren't, and we both
benefitted. So make sure you learn this lesson: Never let anyone
manipulate you into thinking that there's something you HAVE to do.
There is no 'should'."
Man #2 looked at her, kind of scared. "Why are you telling
me this?" he asked suspiciously.
"Well...when you were talking a while ago, I realized that you
were trying to do that exact thing to me. You were about to go into
some big spiel about how this is different from any other relationship
you've ever had, right?"
Man #2 nodded and looked at her nervously.
"I couldn't let you say that," she said. "Because then I
would feel all guilty about dumping you. And that'd just end up being
bad for both of us."
This time she couldn't wait. She burst into laughter at his
ridiculously horrified expression.
Man #3 put his arm around Setsuna as the two of them watched
the sunset together. "Setsuna," he said softly. "I..."
"Hold on." She cut him off. "Let me tell you a story." She
didn't wait for him to answer. "When I was a kid, I had this crazy
grandfather. Every month or so, my mom would take me down to see him,
because she knew he wasn't going to last much longer.
"So anyway, we went down to his house one time, and I remember
whenever we saw him he was always going on about how much he loved
pickles. On and on about pickles! So anyway, we get there, and walk
in, and we find him lying in the kitchen with these two jars stuck on
his hands, covered in pickle juice, continually banging the back of
his head against the floor, and he's screaming, 'HELP!! HELP!!
PIRAHNAS ARE EATING MY HANDS!! HELP!!'
"And my mom goes over and tries to take the jars off, but he
jumps away and starts kicking her! 'They're mine!' he snaps. 'You
can't have them!'
"So he's rolling around on the floor like a maniac, my mom is
crying, I'm laughing, and nobody knows what to do. Eventually he
stands up and tries to go out the back door. He walks over and just
starts hitting the doorknob over and over, trying to turn it so he can
get through. My mom opens the door for him, he runs out, his pants
fall down, he starts moaning and chanting like he's doing a rain dance
or something. We decide to leave.
"Now, I know what you're thinking, you don't know why I told
you this. Well, there's an important lesson to be learned here. See,
because, even though he was a loon, he was the happiest man I've ever
met. He lived in a world where things try to eat his hands and he
can't get out the door, yet something inside him kept him smiling and
singing right up to the end. Just goes to show, that it doesn't
matter what's happening, it doesn't matter how much your life sucks,
or how old you are, or what a terrible life you've had, if you decide
to have a good time, you can." She looked over at him seriously.
"And... you're holding me back."
"What?"
She smiled. "It's over."
Man #4 gazed at her lovingly. He opened his mouth to speak,
but she cut him off.
"Let me tell you a story," she said. "I have a friend,
who... I'm not shitting you here... is a princess. Tiny little
country called the Kingdom of Mune. Second smallest in Europe after
Vatican City. You wouldn't have heard of it unless you were a
geography major. Anyway, she's a good person, but a moron, y'know?
But, she's royalty, so everyone's always paying attention to her and
keeping her safe. She's got her own secret service, for chrissake.
As if anyone would try to kill her.
"Well, somebody did. She was making a public appearance at
some casino opening, and this psycho jumps up and just starts shooting
a gun at her. One of her guards just threw herself in front of the
princess. Got hit in the stomach twice and the right arm once. She
knew she wasn't going to survive. But as she died, she was smiling,
because she did what she'd been taught... no. That's not the right
word. She did what she'd been brainwashed into thinking was right.
She truly believed that it was better for her to die than this stupid
little princess. And so did everyone else. And so she just died
right there, and everybody proclaimed her a hero. Saddest thing you
ever heard, isn't it?"
Man #4 couldn't think of anything to say. "Um..." he managed.
"Uh... why did you tell me that?"
"This relationship isn't going to work out."
Man #5 looked up in suprise. "Setsuna! What are you doing
here? Is something wrong?"
Setsuna didn't say a word. She went up to him, grabbed his
head, and kissed him on the lips. For a split second they stayed that
way.
Then he broke away looked at her in horror. "What are
you... Setsuna what... are you doing?"
She grinned. "Let me tell you a story," she said. "And
unlike most of my stories, which I just tell to fuck with people's
minds, this one is completely true. It's about a boy and a girl. The
girl... let's call her Sailor Pluto... was beautiful and smart and
good. The boy... say, Endymion... was sort of handsome, I suppose,
but cruel and bitter, although he hid those particular traits well.
They had a romance. Fell in love, actually. And for a while they
were happy together.
"But then somebody else entered the picture. A girl. For the
sake of political power, she and Endymion were said to be 'destined
for each other'.
"Now, Endymion was beginning to tire of Sailor Pluto. I don't
really know why, he was just that kind of person. So he sat her down,
and began telling her all sorts of things. He said that although he
loved her, this new girl and he had something special. Fate had
decreed that they'd be together. And, naive fool that she was, she
believed him.
"But see, that wasn't all. Once he'd tricked her into giving
him up, he kept going on about this destiny. He told Pluto that it
was her duty, as Guardian of Time, to make sure things followed a
certain timeline, which, by a bizarre coincidence, was exactly the
one where he'd be happiest.
"So she went off and did exactly what he said. She
continually fulfils her 'duty' up to the present, and then later to
the future, where he'll be king, and she'll stay Sailor Pluto. One
day he'll get tired of his queen, and she'll get tired of being alone,
and they'll meet in secret and fuck twice. She will be so stricken
with guilt she will commit suicide. He will feel bad for a week, and
go back to his life. Not a very happy ending, is it?"
He couldn't get any words out.
"Fortunately, that's not the way it's going to be," she
continued. "Because not long ago Sailor Pluto realized the deception,
and refused to continue aiding Endymion and his princess. As a
result, she will have a much happier future. Endymion, on the other
hand, is back to randomness. Oh sure, the rest of the senshi will keep
doing their best, but let's be honest. Without Pluto monitoring time,
anything can happen." She chuckled.
Man #5 licked his lips. "I... I'm sorry, Setsuna," he
murmured. "I didn't know... I..."
"Don't take it personally," she remarked, walking out the
door. "Just because you deserve it."
Usagi walked out of the ice cream shop, licking her fingers
contentedly. She started heading home, where she was to meet Rei.
After about five meters she was grabbed from behind and dragged into
an alley.
An arm locked across her chest and another grabbed her head.
"Don't move," a voice whispered. "Or I will snap your neck like a
twig." The person gave off a laugh that seemed to be attempting
evilness, but failed miserably and ended up sounding silly. "Hmmm,"
the person muttered. "I'll have to work on that."
"Wh...who are you?" Usagi stammered.
"SHUT UP! I have something to say, and you're going to
listen. I've been around a long time now. I've learned a lot of
things, but one thing that will stay in my mind forever was my time in
the Moon Kingdom.
"Your mother loved me as a true friend, and I was her trusted
ally. In fact, it was decreed that if the princess were to
(tragically) die before producing an heir, I was next in line.
"People are dying permenantly now, my dear friend. The Power
of Bullshit Love and Justice can't work forever. And won't everybody
be sad once you're gone?"
Usagi was released, and looked around in confusion, but there
was no one there.
{Jon Carp}
address: jcarp@med.unc.edu
Man #1 sat and gazed at Setsuna across the dinner table. She
smiled demurely and sipped her wine.
"Setsuna," he said softly. "I've been meaning to say this to
you for a while. I...realize we've only been going out for a couple
of weeks, but this feels different than any other relationship I've
ever had. I feel... exhilerated when I'm around you. I can't explain
it. I'm not sure, but...I think I love you."
She inhaled deeply and then let it out slowly. Her smile got
wider. "Let me tell you a story," she said.
Man #1 looked suprised. That wasn't the reaction he'd
expected, but as long as she was talking to him, she could be reading
the phone book and have his rapt attention. "Sure," he said.
"This is the afternoon of my fifteenth birthday," she said.
"I was going thorugh this phase where I liked all those old spaghetti
westerns, y'know? So my parents bought me this BB gun. Oh, I loved
it. I rolled it in my hands and felt its power. It made me strong.
I dunno, I can't really explain the way it made me feel that day.
Anyway, I took it outside to the forest. After a while, I saw a
chipmunk rummaging on the ground several meters away. I bent
down... aimed... and fired!
"The chipmunk scampered away frightened. I was disappointed,
but then a white dove fell from the sky. Evidently I was a very poor
shot. I took it home and had it stuffed. I have it to this day."
She walked out of the room and returned with a small white thing in
her hand.
Man #1 examined it. "That's a couple of socks bundled
together," he said, giving her a very strange look.
Setsuna paused, then chuckled. "Well, of course. It would be
creepy keeping a dead bird for years, wouldn't it? Anyway, when that
dove fell, I realized something. Everything that happens is an
accident. I didn't try to kill it, but it's dead anyway. If I hadn't
liked the westerns, I wouldn't have gotten the gun, or if I had gone
somewhere else in the woods, I would never have seen the chipmunk.
Everything's just a coincidence. There's no mystical destiny or fate
we're all trapped in. Do you understand?"
He nodded unsurely. "I guess so. But why are you telling me
this?"
She forced herself to not smile. "We... you and me... were an
accident. But not a good one. I don't think this is going to help
either of us. We need to end it."
He stared at her in horror. "But..." he said. "But..."
"Oh sure, the sex was good, and I suppose we have kind of the
same interests, but we never really connected. I'm sorry, but I
think you should leave."
Sensitive man that he was, he started to cry. "But..." he
muttered. "But...I love you."
She grinned. "Well, the feeling is not mutual." She opened
the door for him. "Goodbye."
He stared at her for a second, then grabbed his coat and ran
at full speed outside. She slammed the door behind him, and began
laughing hysterically.
Man #2 walked arm in arm with Setsuna, watching the moon
reflected in the lake. Perfect Romantic Atmosphere.
"I want to say something to you," he murmured. "I know we've
only been going out a couple of weeks, but..."
"Wait," she cut him off. "Before you go any further, let me
tell you a story."
He blinked in suprise.
"I was twenty," she began, not waiting for a response from
him. "There was a physics professor who was kind of my mentor. He
wanted me to follow in his footsteps, become an actual scientist, and
I was very interested in the field back then, so my performance in his
class was important to both of us. Anyway, I got mono. And because
of that, I fell behind the rest of the class. The night before the
exam, I knew I should have been studying, but instead I went out to a
bar for some reason.
"So I'm sitting there drinking my beer, and this guy walks up
and just starts screaming at me in German! And so I stand up, and I'm
like, 'What the hell are you doing?' And I know I'm going to fail
that test the next day, so I'm in no mood for this, and I make it
clear through my body language that I just want to fight this guy.
But he just keeps yelling all this German. So I'm getting really mad,
but another guy comes up, and he apologizes with an impressively light
German accent. 'Sorry about my friend,' he said. 'He's not mad at
you, he's just got Turrett's syndrome. He can't help it.' I notice
this guy's attractive, so I calm down and say I'm sorry.
"The next thing I know, I'm fucking this German businessman
who's only in town for the week. Then I go off and flunk my test.
The professor was extremely disappointed in me, and that was hard to
take.
"But, see, the crazy thing is, everything worked out. I
realized that physics wasn't my thing. That might not have happened
for years if I had studied all night and done well. And the German
guy and I fell in love. He moved here, and we lived together. I
mean, he died tragically six months later, but we would never even
have met if not for my slacking off."
"How did he die?" Man #2 asked quietly.
"Oh, he stood on an escalator too long. Got sucked under.
Very sad. Very bloody. Anyway, here's my point. He was supposed to
be preparing for some presentaion the exact same night in the bar.
Both of us were supposed to be working. But we weren't, and we both
benefitted. So make sure you learn this lesson: Never let anyone
manipulate you into thinking that there's something you HAVE to do.
There is no 'should'."
Man #2 looked at her, kind of scared. "Why are you telling
me this?" he asked suspiciously.
"Well...when you were talking a while ago, I realized that you
were trying to do that exact thing to me. You were about to go into
some big spiel about how this is different from any other relationship
you've ever had, right?"
Man #2 nodded and looked at her nervously.
"I couldn't let you say that," she said. "Because then I
would feel all guilty about dumping you. And that'd just end up being
bad for both of us."
This time she couldn't wait. She burst into laughter at his
ridiculously horrified expression.
Man #3 put his arm around Setsuna as the two of them watched
the sunset together. "Setsuna," he said softly. "I..."
"Hold on." She cut him off. "Let me tell you a story." She
didn't wait for him to answer. "When I was a kid, I had this crazy
grandfather. Every month or so, my mom would take me down to see him,
because she knew he wasn't going to last much longer.
"So anyway, we went down to his house one time, and I remember
whenever we saw him he was always going on about how much he loved
pickles. On and on about pickles! So anyway, we get there, and walk
in, and we find him lying in the kitchen with these two jars stuck on
his hands, covered in pickle juice, continually banging the back of
his head against the floor, and he's screaming, 'HELP!! HELP!!
PIRAHNAS ARE EATING MY HANDS!! HELP!!'
"And my mom goes over and tries to take the jars off, but he
jumps away and starts kicking her! 'They're mine!' he snaps. 'You
can't have them!'
"So he's rolling around on the floor like a maniac, my mom is
crying, I'm laughing, and nobody knows what to do. Eventually he
stands up and tries to go out the back door. He walks over and just
starts hitting the doorknob over and over, trying to turn it so he can
get through. My mom opens the door for him, he runs out, his pants
fall down, he starts moaning and chanting like he's doing a rain dance
or something. We decide to leave.
"Now, I know what you're thinking, you don't know why I told
you this. Well, there's an important lesson to be learned here. See,
because, even though he was a loon, he was the happiest man I've ever
met. He lived in a world where things try to eat his hands and he
can't get out the door, yet something inside him kept him smiling and
singing right up to the end. Just goes to show, that it doesn't
matter what's happening, it doesn't matter how much your life sucks,
or how old you are, or what a terrible life you've had, if you decide
to have a good time, you can." She looked over at him seriously.
"And... you're holding me back."
"What?"
She smiled. "It's over."
Man #4 gazed at her lovingly. He opened his mouth to speak,
but she cut him off.
"Let me tell you a story," she said. "I have a friend,
who... I'm not shitting you here... is a princess. Tiny little
country called the Kingdom of Mune. Second smallest in Europe after
Vatican City. You wouldn't have heard of it unless you were a
geography major. Anyway, she's a good person, but a moron, y'know?
But, she's royalty, so everyone's always paying attention to her and
keeping her safe. She's got her own secret service, for chrissake.
As if anyone would try to kill her.
"Well, somebody did. She was making a public appearance at
some casino opening, and this psycho jumps up and just starts shooting
a gun at her. One of her guards just threw herself in front of the
princess. Got hit in the stomach twice and the right arm once. She
knew she wasn't going to survive. But as she died, she was smiling,
because she did what she'd been taught... no. That's not the right
word. She did what she'd been brainwashed into thinking was right.
She truly believed that it was better for her to die than this stupid
little princess. And so did everyone else. And so she just died
right there, and everybody proclaimed her a hero. Saddest thing you
ever heard, isn't it?"
Man #4 couldn't think of anything to say. "Um..." he managed.
"Uh... why did you tell me that?"
"This relationship isn't going to work out."
Man #5 looked up in suprise. "Setsuna! What are you doing
here? Is something wrong?"
Setsuna didn't say a word. She went up to him, grabbed his
head, and kissed him on the lips. For a split second they stayed that
way.
Then he broke away looked at her in horror. "What are
you... Setsuna what... are you doing?"
She grinned. "Let me tell you a story," she said. "And
unlike most of my stories, which I just tell to fuck with people's
minds, this one is completely true. It's about a boy and a girl. The
girl... let's call her Sailor Pluto... was beautiful and smart and
good. The boy... say, Endymion... was sort of handsome, I suppose,
but cruel and bitter, although he hid those particular traits well.
They had a romance. Fell in love, actually. And for a while they
were happy together.
"But then somebody else entered the picture. A girl. For the
sake of political power, she and Endymion were said to be 'destined
for each other'.
"Now, Endymion was beginning to tire of Sailor Pluto. I don't
really know why, he was just that kind of person. So he sat her down,
and began telling her all sorts of things. He said that although he
loved her, this new girl and he had something special. Fate had
decreed that they'd be together. And, naive fool that she was, she
believed him.
"But see, that wasn't all. Once he'd tricked her into giving
him up, he kept going on about this destiny. He told Pluto that it
was her duty, as Guardian of Time, to make sure things followed a
certain timeline, which, by a bizarre coincidence, was exactly the
one where he'd be happiest.
"So she went off and did exactly what he said. She
continually fulfils her 'duty' up to the present, and then later to
the future, where he'll be king, and she'll stay Sailor Pluto. One
day he'll get tired of his queen, and she'll get tired of being alone,
and they'll meet in secret and fuck twice. She will be so stricken
with guilt she will commit suicide. He will feel bad for a week, and
go back to his life. Not a very happy ending, is it?"
He couldn't get any words out.
"Fortunately, that's not the way it's going to be," she
continued. "Because not long ago Sailor Pluto realized the deception,
and refused to continue aiding Endymion and his princess. As a
result, she will have a much happier future. Endymion, on the other
hand, is back to randomness. Oh sure, the rest of the senshi will keep
doing their best, but let's be honest. Without Pluto monitoring time,
anything can happen." She chuckled.
Man #5 licked his lips. "I... I'm sorry, Setsuna," he
murmured. "I didn't know... I..."
"Don't take it personally," she remarked, walking out the
door. "Just because you deserve it."
Usagi walked out of the ice cream shop, licking her fingers
contentedly. She started heading home, where she was to meet Rei.
After about five meters she was grabbed from behind and dragged into
an alley.
An arm locked across her chest and another grabbed her head.
"Don't move," a voice whispered. "Or I will snap your neck like a
twig." The person gave off a laugh that seemed to be attempting
evilness, but failed miserably and ended up sounding silly. "Hmmm,"
the person muttered. "I'll have to work on that."
"Wh...who are you?" Usagi stammered.
"SHUT UP! I have something to say, and you're going to
listen. I've been around a long time now. I've learned a lot of
things, but one thing that will stay in my mind forever was my time in
the Moon Kingdom.
"Your mother loved me as a true friend, and I was her trusted
ally. In fact, it was decreed that if the princess were to
(tragically) die before producing an heir, I was next in line.
"People are dying permenantly now, my dear friend. The Power
of Bullshit Love and Justice can't work forever. And won't everybody
be sad once you're gone?"
Usagi was released, and looked around in confusion, but there
was no one there.
