Secondary Characters: The Mothership
{Jon Carp}
address: jcarp@med.unc.edu
Being aware of the non-ending condition of our radically non-logical,
necessary, and yet free and responsible nature, it is not only our
compulsion, but it is our duty to your booty to funk you.--George
Clinton
The way the world works is this: You're born, you wait, and
you die. At any time, there are people being born and people dying,
and many, many people waiting to do one or the other.
And so, far removed from the slaughter and excitement and
battling, three outsiders sat in a room that appeared eerily similar
to a hotel lobby. They waited.
They were brooding, antsy, and worried about their friends.
They did not like waiting, but they knew they had to do it. One
waited to rejoin her life, one waited to rejoin her death, and one
waited because she had nothing at all to rejoin, so waiting was all
she could do. They were all bored.
Makoto squinted in thought as she regarded the young woman
with silver hair that she had never seen before. "So... let me get
this straight," she said, "you were one of the outer senshi, right?"
"Yes," replied the girl. "There were five of us."
"Right, okay." Makoto thought for a second. "Michiru,
Haruka, Setsuna, Hotaru, and... Barbara."
"Yes."
"And... you were Barbara."
"No!" Hotaru interjected, annoyed. "She was Haruka. Haruka
was Barbara. How many times do we have to explain this to you before
you get it?"
Makoto scratched the back of her head. "Okay, give me a
second so I can figure this out. The person I know as Haruka, was
renamed Barbara. You took her place as Haruka."
"That's right," the nonexistant woman replied.
"Okay. But... why didn't Haruka stay Haruka? Why didn't YOU
become Barbara?"
Hotaru rolled her eyes. "Because the gods wanted to punish
Haruka and Setsuna... the Haruka you know, I mean. They were
bickering over who got to be Haruka. It was the whole point that
neither of them got to be her."
Makoto looked at her blankly. "You just completely lost me,"
she said.
Hotaru sighed. "Setsuna, who is the same person as you know
Setsuna to be, and Haruka, who is the one you know, not her," she
indicated the silver-haired girl next to her, "were fighting over who
got to be Haruka."
Makoto blinked. "Why would Setsuna want to be Haruka?"
"Because she was Haruka for a while before that. They
switched being Haruka several times, so there actually were TWO
Setsunas and TWO Harukas, and neither one really knew who was Haruka
first, so they had equal claim to it."
Makoto stared at Hotaru for a few seconds, then held her
hands in the air in an expression of defeat. "You know what, just
forget it," she said. "I'm not going to understand no matter how
clearly you explain, so just forget it."
"Don't put yourself down like that," the silver-haired girl
admonished softly. "I heard about the things you said in the storage
room, too. I wish you'd have more respect for yourself, Mako-chan."
Makoto raised an eyebrow. "Mako-chan?"
The girl blushed. "Sorry," she muttered. "I know you don't
know me. I just used to know you, even though that never happened.
But, I did like you. I mean, I didn't have the connection to you that
Barbara did, but I always thought you were strong and mature, much
moreso than the other inner senshi."
Hotaru giggled. "I'm surprised your thoughts were that
lucid."
The nonexistant girl looked away and did not reply. There was
a pause which Makoto knew was uncomfortable but had no idea why. She
broke it after only a few moments. "So," she said cheerfully, "what
do you miss most about being alive?"
The girl kept looking away. "Michiru, of course."
Makoto blinked. "Michiru-san? Why would..." She trailed
off. Hotaru was looking at her like she was an idiot. "You were...
WITH Michiru-san?"
"Of course I was. I was Haruka."
Makoto sputtered for a second, then relaxed. "I'm sorry, I'm
just surprised," she said. "You don't LOOK like..."
"I know," the girl interrupted. "You look more like it than I
do."
Makoto blushed. "Touche," she remarked. "Then, who was...
Barbara with?"
"No one. Well, she dated this one person for a while, some
girl named Elza, I think, but that didn't last. And she flirted with
you a lot. But mostly, she just pined for Michiru."
Makoto raised an eyebrow. "Even when she was Barbara, she
loved Michiru-san?"
The girl nodded glumly. "We all loved her. She was all we
could love, you know. And she was beautiful."
Makoto nodded, suddenly feeling intense pity for this poor
girl. "What happened, though?" she asked. "Why don't you exist
anymore?"
"I was unnecessary. I was extra. So fate just... got rid of
me."
"That wasn't the only reason!" Hotaru interjected.
The nonexistant girl hung her head. "Yes, that's true. I...
had problems."
"Problems?!" Hotaru blurted, incredulous. "You were crazy as
a loon!" She looked at Makoto, grinning. "Isn't that a riot? Just
to punish those two assholes, the gods make the new Haruka a
psychotic."
Makoto scratched the back of her head. "I'm not sure I
understand," she said.
"The only reason I was given Michiru is because I didn't
deserve her," the girl explained sadly. "That way Setsuna and Barbara
had to watch her love me when she had no reason to, just because I was
Haruka, and Michiru loves Haruka, always."
Makoto narrowed her eyes. "But, you can't assume that. Maybe
she loved you because you were lovable."
"She didn't," the girl replied. "But it's kind of you to say
so, Mako-chan."
She smiled and Makoto smiled back, helpless. This girl had
been her friend, apparently, and she hadn't been able to protect her.
She couldn't even remember her.
"Feeling like a failure?" Hotaru asked cheerily.
Makoto blinked. She stared at Hotaru and didn't say anything.
"I said, 'Are you feeling like a failure?'"
"A little, I guess," Makoto answered. "How'd you know?"
"Oh, you just had that look about you." Hotaru grinned.
"Don't worry about it. Soon enough, you'll be able to go back to your
old life and everything will be good again."
Makoto nodded. "Yeah, everything will be good," she agreed.
There was another silence, less uncomfortable. The silver-haired girl
began tapping her foot on the floor in a soft but complex rhythm.
"Um, Hotaru-chan," Makoto said after a moment, "can I ask you
a... personal question?"
"Of course," Hotaru replied. "I've got no secrets anymore."
Makoto scratched her chin uncomfortably. "Okay, well, um,
your mother... she died when you were young, right?"
Hotaru nodded. "My real mother, yes."
Makoto kept scratching her chin and looking at the wall behind
Hotaru. "And... this is going to sound like a very stupid question...
what did you feel when it happened?"
"Excuse me?"
Makoto blushed. "I know, it sounds so stupid. I mean, when
she died, what emotions did you have?"
"About what you'd expect," Hotaru said, shrugging. "I cried
for weeks. I can't really remember any details, it was so long ago.
I've died three times since then myself, you see, so I'm a little cold
to the whole thing now. But then... I don't know, I felt like the
world had swallowed me up. I felt like nobody. I didn't think things
would ever get better, I was... heartbroken. Does this help?"
"A little," Makoto said. "See, the reason I ask is, well, my
parents died too. And... this has been bothering me for a while."
"What has?"
"When they died, I was frightened, yes, and confused and
alone, but... I moved on so quickly. I never even mourned them. I
just couldn't feel sad."
Hotaru raised an eyebrow. The nonexistant girl began tapping
her other foot in conjunction with the first, adding another layer of
rhythm.
"I know, I feel like a monster," Makoto continued, tears
beginning to fill her eyes. "And it never even occured to me that I
probably SHOULD have felt sad until a few months ago. They were such
wonderful people and I loved them so much, but when they died, I... I
don't think I could even cry."
Hotaru didn't reply. She waited for Makoto to continue on her
own.
One tear trickled down Makoto's face. "Even right after it
happened, I remember having thoughts like, 'Well, I'll miss them, but
someday I'll have my own resturant!' and 'My parents are dead, but one
day I'll meet a handsome man and get married, so it's okay!'
"And up until a few months ago, I never worried about it,
because everything was good. Love and justice made me happy. But...
love and justice also stole my feelings for my own parents! I just
don't understand at all."
Hotaru didn't reply for a few moments. A second tear trickled
down Makoto's cheek. Hotaru watched it slip down the gentle curving
face and took a deep breath. "What happened to change things?" she
asked. "What happened a few months ago?"
Makoto looked at the floor, he eyes hidden behind her soft
bangs. "I ran into a couple of men in an alley."
Hotaru blinked. "Oh," she said.
Makoto looked up, a quiet smile on her face. "To tell you the
truth, I don't honestly remember what they did to me," she murmured.
"It might not have been... what you're thinking. All I know is, it
was bad."
"I understand," Hotaru whispered.
Makoto's smile grew and she looked away. "No, you don't," she
said, "you're an outer senshi."
"What?" Hotaru's face twisted in an expression of childlike
confusion. "I don't--"
"You outers... it's different for you," Makoto interrupted.
"You know that things like... that... can happen in the world. You
expect it, so you prepare for it. But, I really didn't know. These
weren't youma or droids, they were just men, and I honestly thought
the worst thing a man could do to a woman was leave her and break her
heart."
"I don't know what I can say," Hotaru said after a pause, "I
don't think there IS anything I can say. I was young for a long time,
but I was never that innocent."
"I know," Makoto replied. "I don't expect you to say
anything. I just had to tell somebody. I can't talk to any of the
other inners about this; they just don't understand. It just...
wasn't supposed to happen. It was too gritty, too REAL. Things like
that aren't supposed to happen. And... what I did to them... that's
not supposed to happen, either."
There was a long pause as Hotaru took in the true meaning of
that statement. "You should probably talk to Haruka about this," she
said eventually. I don't know anything specific about her past,
but..."
"I don't want to do that!" Makoto snapped, more harshly than
she'd meant. "I mean," she continued, softening, "I don't want her to
think of me... like that. I don't want her to lose respect for me."
Hotaru nodded slightly. "I had similar feelings about
Chibi-Usa-chan. I didn't want her to see my evil side."
"What was your relationship with her, anyway?" Makoto asked,
raising an eyebrow.
"Just friends," Hotaru replied, a little too quickly, "but
forget about that. I really think you should talk to Haruka and
Michiru when this is all over. They've always considered you the most
outer of the inner senshi, the least naive."
"But it wasn't naivete," Makoto protested, "because it was the
way things really were!"
"I know, I know. But still, they'd understand."
Makoto nodded morosely. "Where are they, anyway?" she asked.
"I know the rest of the inners were sent back, but I didn't see what
happened to them."
"They're waiting somewhere," Hotaru answered. "I'll have to
go join them soon, but I prefered to wait here, with you two. Our
family relationship has been a bit strained as of late."
"Yes, that's understandable. What happened to Setsuna-san,
anyway? I never expected her to do anything like this. She was
always so... boring."
"Don't ask me," Hotaru replied, sighing. "I probably
understand her more than anyone else in the world, and I don't
understand her at all."
Makoto nodded. "It's strange. I don't know anything about
her. I never even think about her unless she's right there in front
of me."
"That's not her role," the nonexistant girl murmured, staring
down at her tapping feet. "She's not there to be thought about.
She's there to do her job, quietly, in the background." She looked up
at Makoto, hollow-eyed. "No one will ever love her, because she's
just not important enough."
Makoto opened her mouth to speak but the girl just kept
talking. "She is mysterious, yes, but only because no one cares
enough to find out anything about her. No one's supposed to care.
That's not her role."
The girl hugged herself, and neither Makoto nor Hotaru knew
who she was really talking to anymore. "I pity her so much," she
continued. "The only reason she exists at all is because it would be
weird if there was a senshi for every planet except Pluto.
"But nine senshi is a lot. Not all of them can have
personalities. In the end, she's as superfluous as me."
She stood up and began circling the room like she always used
to do when she was real and insane, but her feet kept tapping and she
began using her hands to suppliment the beat by rapping her knuckles
on chairs and walls and tables as she passed by them. "And even all
the horrible things she does off-camera aren't supposed to be thought
about, because NOTHING about her is supposed to be thought about.
And when she dies, no one is supposed to care, but Usagi brought her
back." The girl froze and ceased her percussive solo. "Usagi brought
her back. I don't know why."
Hotaru narrowed her eyes. "You don't know anything," she
snapped, "you don't even exist."
The girl didn't reply. Makoto suddenly realized her cheeks
were streaked with tears. "Why'd she bring ME back?" she found
herself whimpering. "I wish she hadn't."
"You don't have anything to be afraid of," Hotaru grunted with
disdain. "Even if she finds out what you did, she'll still love you
as much as she always has. And she'll be there to comfort you when
you finally mourn your parents. No matter what, you'll always be an
inner senshi."
"That's not true," Makoto said, dimly aware the beat was
starting anew. "I don't even love my boyfriend. Do you believe that?
Isn't that horrible of me? Girls are supposed to love their
boyfriends. I can't ever go back to that again."
The nonexistant girl blinked. "I thought you were gay."
Makoto sighed and massaged her temples. "No, I'm not gay,"
she grunted. "But that doesn't mean I'm a normal girl, either."
The silver-haired girl smiled and put her hand softly on
Makoto's. "But of course you're not just a normal girl, you see?
You're not weak. You're JUPITER."
Hotaru rolled her eyes. "You sound like one of THEM now," she
growled. "You don't know what it's like to be an outer senshi. I'm
dead, I've died over and over again. That's what I do, I die. I have
been crucified seven times, though you probably only know about the
one. Do you know what it's like to feel your flesh ripped apart at
the wrists?!" She was shouting now with a strange rage, her tiny
child's mouth cold and dry. "And you have the arrogance to be so
upset about killing two men when you were only protecting yourself! I
destroy entire PLANETS! How much of a child ARE you?!!"
"Hotaru, hush!" the silver-haired girl snapped, whirling on
the dead senshi, eyes flashing with spiced anger.
Hotaru flinched. "Haruka-mama," she whispered, suddenly near
tears.
The nonexistant girl turned back to Makoto and held her gaze
with something resembling warmth. "You never did anything wrong," she
said, smiling. "You were just being what you are; that's all anyone
can ever be. You have a role, too: you were being Sailor Jupiter, you
were protecting. You were protecting yourself."
Makoto said nothing. The silver-haired girl turned and looked
away. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, Hotaru-chan," she whispered.
"That's okay, Haruka-mama," Hotaru replied, just as softly.
Makoto sniffled; she wiped the tears away from her eyes. "I
understand now," she said. "I understand why that happened to me."
The girl nodded. "Now you know that it CAN happen."
Makoto smiled at her, the tears nearly gone. "And now I know
I have to protect my friends from it. I'll never let anything like
that happen to them."
There was a silence, warm and comfortable. Hotaru finally
broke it. "Do I have a role, too?" she asked in a soft, childlike
tone.
"Of course you do." The nonexistant girl sat down and Hotaru
climbed into her lap obligingly, laying her head on her faux-mother's
breast. "You're Sailor Saturn. You're the living irony. Weak but
beautiful, innocent but destructive, life but death, dead but living,
young but wise, powerful yet ultimately impotent."
Hotaru screwed up her face and sighed. "I don't like that
role," she grumbled.
"I know, it's a difficult one. But you'll be okay. You're
strong enough to overcome it and be something for real. And I believe
in you."
Makoto put her strong hand on Hotaru's shoulder. "I believe
in you, too. And not just because I'm an inner senshi and worship
love and justice. I really think you are strong enough."
"Thank you, Makoto-san," Hotaru replied sleepily. There was
another silence, warm and comfortable. Eventually Hotaru looked up at
the face of the girl and asked, "What about you? Do you have a role,
too?"
The silver-haired girl laughed lightly and stood up, forcing
Hotaru off her lap. "Well, I'm not supposed to," she answered.
"What do you mean?" Makoto asked. "I thought we all had a
role."
"We do, but I don't exist. I never did. I never will. I
will never be anyone, I will never have anything, I will never be with
anyone, I will never be a part of anything. And yet... something
happened."
"What happened?"
The girl looked at them with a dark but gloriously happy
expression. "I took a ride on the mothership," she replied simply.
Makoto and Hotaru didn't say anything.
"I rode with the Starchild through the naked universe," the
girl explained. "And we flew with the power of the terminal beat into
the heart of the black hole, where he shot me with the bop gun. I
learned to dance."
"Did you pass Saturn?" Hotaru asked after a moment, because
she couldn't think of anything else to ask.
The girl smiled warmly. "Oh, yes. With its great rings of
wig-out. That's where I received my first funkalectomy. Your planet
is so stoopid, Hotaru-chan, so very stoopid. No wonder you turned out
so beautiful."
Hotaru blushed from the compliment, but wasn't even sure it
was a compliment at all. "What in god's name are you talking about?"
Makoto asked.
"The power of the deepest, darkest boogie is like the power of
love and justice, but with two differences: it exists everywhere, not
only in the hearts of young girls, and it is for everyone, not only
young girls with just and loving hearts." The silver-haired girl had
her arms spread wide, smiling like a toddler that just discovered a
new kind of candy.
"I'm a lost little Japanese girl with a minimal booty," she
continued, "and furthermore, I never existed. But somehow, the funk
came for me. And the day that mothership landed and the Starchild
walked out, everything changed. He called out my name, which I do not
have, and he invited me aboard, and together we flew away.
"And I became someone."
Makoto scratched the back of her head in confusion. "I don't
understand," she said, "and I think this another one of those things
that I won't get no matter how much you explain it."
"That's all right," the girl replied kindly. "It's not
important for you to understand. Just know that it's important to me,
and it gave me a role and a boogie, all of my own."
Makoto smiled, for some reason. Outside the window, a large
man with dark skin, hair, and glasses watched them all. The
nonexistant girl saw him and waved, but he disappeared with a little
flash of light. The beat continued, and Makoto suddenly realized the
girl wasn't tapping her feet anymore.
Hotaru's digital watch beeped, in time with the rhythm. She
looked at it, annoyed. "Ah, crap," she said, "almost time to go deal
with Setsuna." She rolled her eyes. "This is gonna be awkward."
"Stop pretending you don't love her," the nonexistant girl
said with a smirk. "You know it'll all work out, though maybe not in
such a way that everyone has a happy ending."
Makoto blinked. "Wait a minute. What's going to happen to
you now?"
The girl winked. "Oh, don't worry about me," she said in a
friendly tone. "I'll just keep right on not existing. I don't need a
happy ending." She leaned closer with mock secrecy. "To tell you the
truth, there's no such thing as a happy ending. Every ending is just
another moment, even something as pure as kissing your true love in
the moonlight, or flying away in a rocket ship." She gestured toward
the window, and Makoto looked out and saw that yes, there was a
mothership out there, actively waiting for passengers.
"It was very nice spending time with you, Makoto-san."
Hotaru nodded. "Yeah, it was. We should do this more often."
Makoto squinted in confusion. "But... wait a minute," she
said with alarm, "what's going to happen to ME?"
"You'll go back and continue being Sailor Jupiter," the
silver-haired girl replied. "That is... unless you want to change
your role. You could ride with me on the mothership; that might be
fun." She smiled in such a way that reminded Makoto of exactly what
kind of girl she'd been. The smile faded. "But... don't just go
because you're afraid of telling her what you did. She lives in her
own world. It's not your place to be a part of it."
Makoto didn't reply. She just stared out at the mothership.
"Ami and Minako," Hotaru muttered.
Makoto turned to look at her. "What?"
"Ami and Minako." The little girl's face was cold but
endearing, like it looked when she was Sailor Saturn. "I don't know
them very well, but it seems like they've been in the dark since this
whole mess began. Just a couple of outsiders, confused and frightened
and secretly wondering when the ground is going to fall out from under
them, like it did to you and me.
"They need someone to comfort them. They need someone to
protect them."
Makoto glanced at the silver-haired girl, who was watching
Hotaru with pride. "On some level, they all depend on you," the
living irony continued. "Or will. Or have. Right now Usagi has her
own destiny and Rei's so far gone that only one person can make her
happy, but Minako and Ami need you. They will not be the same without
Sailor Jupiter to protect them."
Makoto felt the miracle of the twilight boogie all over her
body. She closed her eyes and it faded. "You're right," she
murmured. "I'm Sailor Jupiter. I fight for them, not love and
justice. They're all I care about."
"They're lucky to have you, Mako-chan," the nonexistant girl
said softly, with a look on her face that once again reminded Makoto
of what kind of girl she'd been. "Maybe one day, you'll all ride the
mothership with me, hmm?"
"I think we'd all like that." Makoto smiled. "And I hope you
understand, if you ever need me, I'm here to protect you, too."
The girl smiled. Hotaru glanced at her watch and inserted
herself between her companions. "Sorry to interrupt the moment,
here," she said, "but I really have to get going to the time gate.
The fighting's stopped."
"Yeah, we should all get going," Makoto agreed after a moment.
"I'm worried about the others." The intoxicating rhythm distracted
her for a moment, as did the girl's soft grey eyes, but she quickly
refocused. "I hope I see both of you again soon," she said politely.
"And good luck with Setsuna, Hotaru-chan."
"Thanks," Hotaru replied. "And listen, if you ever need to
talk about anything; your parents, your boyfriend, anything... just
kill yourself and we'll have plenty of time to work it out."
Makoto blinked.
"Joke!" Hotaru exclaimed, grinning. "Seriously, I'll come
visit you... sometime next week, how's that sound?"
"That's fine," Makoto answered, not at all amused. She turned
to the nonexistant girl. "How about you, when will we speak again?"
The girl shrugged. "I'm afraid I can't visit as often as she
can. Not existing is different than being dead, you know. But
sometime."
"I'm glad." Makoto smiled at the two of them cheerfully,
innocently. "Well, see you."
"Bye."
"Bye.
The three of them turned and exited the room through three
different doors on three different walls. The air was still and dead
for a few moments, but slowly, gradually, the whole place, no longer
needed, began to fade. Soon nothing at all was left. Even the
intense, pervading music was gone, carried up to the empty space
between the planets, where light itself has freedom to dance.
{Jon Carp}
address: jcarp@med.unc.edu
Being aware of the non-ending condition of our radically non-logical,
necessary, and yet free and responsible nature, it is not only our
compulsion, but it is our duty to your booty to funk you.--George
Clinton
The way the world works is this: You're born, you wait, and
you die. At any time, there are people being born and people dying,
and many, many people waiting to do one or the other.
And so, far removed from the slaughter and excitement and
battling, three outsiders sat in a room that appeared eerily similar
to a hotel lobby. They waited.
They were brooding, antsy, and worried about their friends.
They did not like waiting, but they knew they had to do it. One
waited to rejoin her life, one waited to rejoin her death, and one
waited because she had nothing at all to rejoin, so waiting was all
she could do. They were all bored.
Makoto squinted in thought as she regarded the young woman
with silver hair that she had never seen before. "So... let me get
this straight," she said, "you were one of the outer senshi, right?"
"Yes," replied the girl. "There were five of us."
"Right, okay." Makoto thought for a second. "Michiru,
Haruka, Setsuna, Hotaru, and... Barbara."
"Yes."
"And... you were Barbara."
"No!" Hotaru interjected, annoyed. "She was Haruka. Haruka
was Barbara. How many times do we have to explain this to you before
you get it?"
Makoto scratched the back of her head. "Okay, give me a
second so I can figure this out. The person I know as Haruka, was
renamed Barbara. You took her place as Haruka."
"That's right," the nonexistant woman replied.
"Okay. But... why didn't Haruka stay Haruka? Why didn't YOU
become Barbara?"
Hotaru rolled her eyes. "Because the gods wanted to punish
Haruka and Setsuna... the Haruka you know, I mean. They were
bickering over who got to be Haruka. It was the whole point that
neither of them got to be her."
Makoto looked at her blankly. "You just completely lost me,"
she said.
Hotaru sighed. "Setsuna, who is the same person as you know
Setsuna to be, and Haruka, who is the one you know, not her," she
indicated the silver-haired girl next to her, "were fighting over who
got to be Haruka."
Makoto blinked. "Why would Setsuna want to be Haruka?"
"Because she was Haruka for a while before that. They
switched being Haruka several times, so there actually were TWO
Setsunas and TWO Harukas, and neither one really knew who was Haruka
first, so they had equal claim to it."
Makoto stared at Hotaru for a few seconds, then held her
hands in the air in an expression of defeat. "You know what, just
forget it," she said. "I'm not going to understand no matter how
clearly you explain, so just forget it."
"Don't put yourself down like that," the silver-haired girl
admonished softly. "I heard about the things you said in the storage
room, too. I wish you'd have more respect for yourself, Mako-chan."
Makoto raised an eyebrow. "Mako-chan?"
The girl blushed. "Sorry," she muttered. "I know you don't
know me. I just used to know you, even though that never happened.
But, I did like you. I mean, I didn't have the connection to you that
Barbara did, but I always thought you were strong and mature, much
moreso than the other inner senshi."
Hotaru giggled. "I'm surprised your thoughts were that
lucid."
The nonexistant girl looked away and did not reply. There was
a pause which Makoto knew was uncomfortable but had no idea why. She
broke it after only a few moments. "So," she said cheerfully, "what
do you miss most about being alive?"
The girl kept looking away. "Michiru, of course."
Makoto blinked. "Michiru-san? Why would..." She trailed
off. Hotaru was looking at her like she was an idiot. "You were...
WITH Michiru-san?"
"Of course I was. I was Haruka."
Makoto sputtered for a second, then relaxed. "I'm sorry, I'm
just surprised," she said. "You don't LOOK like..."
"I know," the girl interrupted. "You look more like it than I
do."
Makoto blushed. "Touche," she remarked. "Then, who was...
Barbara with?"
"No one. Well, she dated this one person for a while, some
girl named Elza, I think, but that didn't last. And she flirted with
you a lot. But mostly, she just pined for Michiru."
Makoto raised an eyebrow. "Even when she was Barbara, she
loved Michiru-san?"
The girl nodded glumly. "We all loved her. She was all we
could love, you know. And she was beautiful."
Makoto nodded, suddenly feeling intense pity for this poor
girl. "What happened, though?" she asked. "Why don't you exist
anymore?"
"I was unnecessary. I was extra. So fate just... got rid of
me."
"That wasn't the only reason!" Hotaru interjected.
The nonexistant girl hung her head. "Yes, that's true. I...
had problems."
"Problems?!" Hotaru blurted, incredulous. "You were crazy as
a loon!" She looked at Makoto, grinning. "Isn't that a riot? Just
to punish those two assholes, the gods make the new Haruka a
psychotic."
Makoto scratched the back of her head. "I'm not sure I
understand," she said.
"The only reason I was given Michiru is because I didn't
deserve her," the girl explained sadly. "That way Setsuna and Barbara
had to watch her love me when she had no reason to, just because I was
Haruka, and Michiru loves Haruka, always."
Makoto narrowed her eyes. "But, you can't assume that. Maybe
she loved you because you were lovable."
"She didn't," the girl replied. "But it's kind of you to say
so, Mako-chan."
She smiled and Makoto smiled back, helpless. This girl had
been her friend, apparently, and she hadn't been able to protect her.
She couldn't even remember her.
"Feeling like a failure?" Hotaru asked cheerily.
Makoto blinked. She stared at Hotaru and didn't say anything.
"I said, 'Are you feeling like a failure?'"
"A little, I guess," Makoto answered. "How'd you know?"
"Oh, you just had that look about you." Hotaru grinned.
"Don't worry about it. Soon enough, you'll be able to go back to your
old life and everything will be good again."
Makoto nodded. "Yeah, everything will be good," she agreed.
There was another silence, less uncomfortable. The silver-haired girl
began tapping her foot on the floor in a soft but complex rhythm.
"Um, Hotaru-chan," Makoto said after a moment, "can I ask you
a... personal question?"
"Of course," Hotaru replied. "I've got no secrets anymore."
Makoto scratched her chin uncomfortably. "Okay, well, um,
your mother... she died when you were young, right?"
Hotaru nodded. "My real mother, yes."
Makoto kept scratching her chin and looking at the wall behind
Hotaru. "And... this is going to sound like a very stupid question...
what did you feel when it happened?"
"Excuse me?"
Makoto blushed. "I know, it sounds so stupid. I mean, when
she died, what emotions did you have?"
"About what you'd expect," Hotaru said, shrugging. "I cried
for weeks. I can't really remember any details, it was so long ago.
I've died three times since then myself, you see, so I'm a little cold
to the whole thing now. But then... I don't know, I felt like the
world had swallowed me up. I felt like nobody. I didn't think things
would ever get better, I was... heartbroken. Does this help?"
"A little," Makoto said. "See, the reason I ask is, well, my
parents died too. And... this has been bothering me for a while."
"What has?"
"When they died, I was frightened, yes, and confused and
alone, but... I moved on so quickly. I never even mourned them. I
just couldn't feel sad."
Hotaru raised an eyebrow. The nonexistant girl began tapping
her other foot in conjunction with the first, adding another layer of
rhythm.
"I know, I feel like a monster," Makoto continued, tears
beginning to fill her eyes. "And it never even occured to me that I
probably SHOULD have felt sad until a few months ago. They were such
wonderful people and I loved them so much, but when they died, I... I
don't think I could even cry."
Hotaru didn't reply. She waited for Makoto to continue on her
own.
One tear trickled down Makoto's face. "Even right after it
happened, I remember having thoughts like, 'Well, I'll miss them, but
someday I'll have my own resturant!' and 'My parents are dead, but one
day I'll meet a handsome man and get married, so it's okay!'
"And up until a few months ago, I never worried about it,
because everything was good. Love and justice made me happy. But...
love and justice also stole my feelings for my own parents! I just
don't understand at all."
Hotaru didn't reply for a few moments. A second tear trickled
down Makoto's cheek. Hotaru watched it slip down the gentle curving
face and took a deep breath. "What happened to change things?" she
asked. "What happened a few months ago?"
Makoto looked at the floor, he eyes hidden behind her soft
bangs. "I ran into a couple of men in an alley."
Hotaru blinked. "Oh," she said.
Makoto looked up, a quiet smile on her face. "To tell you the
truth, I don't honestly remember what they did to me," she murmured.
"It might not have been... what you're thinking. All I know is, it
was bad."
"I understand," Hotaru whispered.
Makoto's smile grew and she looked away. "No, you don't," she
said, "you're an outer senshi."
"What?" Hotaru's face twisted in an expression of childlike
confusion. "I don't--"
"You outers... it's different for you," Makoto interrupted.
"You know that things like... that... can happen in the world. You
expect it, so you prepare for it. But, I really didn't know. These
weren't youma or droids, they were just men, and I honestly thought
the worst thing a man could do to a woman was leave her and break her
heart."
"I don't know what I can say," Hotaru said after a pause, "I
don't think there IS anything I can say. I was young for a long time,
but I was never that innocent."
"I know," Makoto replied. "I don't expect you to say
anything. I just had to tell somebody. I can't talk to any of the
other inners about this; they just don't understand. It just...
wasn't supposed to happen. It was too gritty, too REAL. Things like
that aren't supposed to happen. And... what I did to them... that's
not supposed to happen, either."
There was a long pause as Hotaru took in the true meaning of
that statement. "You should probably talk to Haruka about this," she
said eventually. I don't know anything specific about her past,
but..."
"I don't want to do that!" Makoto snapped, more harshly than
she'd meant. "I mean," she continued, softening, "I don't want her to
think of me... like that. I don't want her to lose respect for me."
Hotaru nodded slightly. "I had similar feelings about
Chibi-Usa-chan. I didn't want her to see my evil side."
"What was your relationship with her, anyway?" Makoto asked,
raising an eyebrow.
"Just friends," Hotaru replied, a little too quickly, "but
forget about that. I really think you should talk to Haruka and
Michiru when this is all over. They've always considered you the most
outer of the inner senshi, the least naive."
"But it wasn't naivete," Makoto protested, "because it was the
way things really were!"
"I know, I know. But still, they'd understand."
Makoto nodded morosely. "Where are they, anyway?" she asked.
"I know the rest of the inners were sent back, but I didn't see what
happened to them."
"They're waiting somewhere," Hotaru answered. "I'll have to
go join them soon, but I prefered to wait here, with you two. Our
family relationship has been a bit strained as of late."
"Yes, that's understandable. What happened to Setsuna-san,
anyway? I never expected her to do anything like this. She was
always so... boring."
"Don't ask me," Hotaru replied, sighing. "I probably
understand her more than anyone else in the world, and I don't
understand her at all."
Makoto nodded. "It's strange. I don't know anything about
her. I never even think about her unless she's right there in front
of me."
"That's not her role," the nonexistant girl murmured, staring
down at her tapping feet. "She's not there to be thought about.
She's there to do her job, quietly, in the background." She looked up
at Makoto, hollow-eyed. "No one will ever love her, because she's
just not important enough."
Makoto opened her mouth to speak but the girl just kept
talking. "She is mysterious, yes, but only because no one cares
enough to find out anything about her. No one's supposed to care.
That's not her role."
The girl hugged herself, and neither Makoto nor Hotaru knew
who she was really talking to anymore. "I pity her so much," she
continued. "The only reason she exists at all is because it would be
weird if there was a senshi for every planet except Pluto.
"But nine senshi is a lot. Not all of them can have
personalities. In the end, she's as superfluous as me."
She stood up and began circling the room like she always used
to do when she was real and insane, but her feet kept tapping and she
began using her hands to suppliment the beat by rapping her knuckles
on chairs and walls and tables as she passed by them. "And even all
the horrible things she does off-camera aren't supposed to be thought
about, because NOTHING about her is supposed to be thought about.
And when she dies, no one is supposed to care, but Usagi brought her
back." The girl froze and ceased her percussive solo. "Usagi brought
her back. I don't know why."
Hotaru narrowed her eyes. "You don't know anything," she
snapped, "you don't even exist."
The girl didn't reply. Makoto suddenly realized her cheeks
were streaked with tears. "Why'd she bring ME back?" she found
herself whimpering. "I wish she hadn't."
"You don't have anything to be afraid of," Hotaru grunted with
disdain. "Even if she finds out what you did, she'll still love you
as much as she always has. And she'll be there to comfort you when
you finally mourn your parents. No matter what, you'll always be an
inner senshi."
"That's not true," Makoto said, dimly aware the beat was
starting anew. "I don't even love my boyfriend. Do you believe that?
Isn't that horrible of me? Girls are supposed to love their
boyfriends. I can't ever go back to that again."
The nonexistant girl blinked. "I thought you were gay."
Makoto sighed and massaged her temples. "No, I'm not gay,"
she grunted. "But that doesn't mean I'm a normal girl, either."
The silver-haired girl smiled and put her hand softly on
Makoto's. "But of course you're not just a normal girl, you see?
You're not weak. You're JUPITER."
Hotaru rolled her eyes. "You sound like one of THEM now," she
growled. "You don't know what it's like to be an outer senshi. I'm
dead, I've died over and over again. That's what I do, I die. I have
been crucified seven times, though you probably only know about the
one. Do you know what it's like to feel your flesh ripped apart at
the wrists?!" She was shouting now with a strange rage, her tiny
child's mouth cold and dry. "And you have the arrogance to be so
upset about killing two men when you were only protecting yourself! I
destroy entire PLANETS! How much of a child ARE you?!!"
"Hotaru, hush!" the silver-haired girl snapped, whirling on
the dead senshi, eyes flashing with spiced anger.
Hotaru flinched. "Haruka-mama," she whispered, suddenly near
tears.
The nonexistant girl turned back to Makoto and held her gaze
with something resembling warmth. "You never did anything wrong," she
said, smiling. "You were just being what you are; that's all anyone
can ever be. You have a role, too: you were being Sailor Jupiter, you
were protecting. You were protecting yourself."
Makoto said nothing. The silver-haired girl turned and looked
away. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, Hotaru-chan," she whispered.
"That's okay, Haruka-mama," Hotaru replied, just as softly.
Makoto sniffled; she wiped the tears away from her eyes. "I
understand now," she said. "I understand why that happened to me."
The girl nodded. "Now you know that it CAN happen."
Makoto smiled at her, the tears nearly gone. "And now I know
I have to protect my friends from it. I'll never let anything like
that happen to them."
There was a silence, warm and comfortable. Hotaru finally
broke it. "Do I have a role, too?" she asked in a soft, childlike
tone.
"Of course you do." The nonexistant girl sat down and Hotaru
climbed into her lap obligingly, laying her head on her faux-mother's
breast. "You're Sailor Saturn. You're the living irony. Weak but
beautiful, innocent but destructive, life but death, dead but living,
young but wise, powerful yet ultimately impotent."
Hotaru screwed up her face and sighed. "I don't like that
role," she grumbled.
"I know, it's a difficult one. But you'll be okay. You're
strong enough to overcome it and be something for real. And I believe
in you."
Makoto put her strong hand on Hotaru's shoulder. "I believe
in you, too. And not just because I'm an inner senshi and worship
love and justice. I really think you are strong enough."
"Thank you, Makoto-san," Hotaru replied sleepily. There was
another silence, warm and comfortable. Eventually Hotaru looked up at
the face of the girl and asked, "What about you? Do you have a role,
too?"
The silver-haired girl laughed lightly and stood up, forcing
Hotaru off her lap. "Well, I'm not supposed to," she answered.
"What do you mean?" Makoto asked. "I thought we all had a
role."
"We do, but I don't exist. I never did. I never will. I
will never be anyone, I will never have anything, I will never be with
anyone, I will never be a part of anything. And yet... something
happened."
"What happened?"
The girl looked at them with a dark but gloriously happy
expression. "I took a ride on the mothership," she replied simply.
Makoto and Hotaru didn't say anything.
"I rode with the Starchild through the naked universe," the
girl explained. "And we flew with the power of the terminal beat into
the heart of the black hole, where he shot me with the bop gun. I
learned to dance."
"Did you pass Saturn?" Hotaru asked after a moment, because
she couldn't think of anything else to ask.
The girl smiled warmly. "Oh, yes. With its great rings of
wig-out. That's where I received my first funkalectomy. Your planet
is so stoopid, Hotaru-chan, so very stoopid. No wonder you turned out
so beautiful."
Hotaru blushed from the compliment, but wasn't even sure it
was a compliment at all. "What in god's name are you talking about?"
Makoto asked.
"The power of the deepest, darkest boogie is like the power of
love and justice, but with two differences: it exists everywhere, not
only in the hearts of young girls, and it is for everyone, not only
young girls with just and loving hearts." The silver-haired girl had
her arms spread wide, smiling like a toddler that just discovered a
new kind of candy.
"I'm a lost little Japanese girl with a minimal booty," she
continued, "and furthermore, I never existed. But somehow, the funk
came for me. And the day that mothership landed and the Starchild
walked out, everything changed. He called out my name, which I do not
have, and he invited me aboard, and together we flew away.
"And I became someone."
Makoto scratched the back of her head in confusion. "I don't
understand," she said, "and I think this another one of those things
that I won't get no matter how much you explain it."
"That's all right," the girl replied kindly. "It's not
important for you to understand. Just know that it's important to me,
and it gave me a role and a boogie, all of my own."
Makoto smiled, for some reason. Outside the window, a large
man with dark skin, hair, and glasses watched them all. The
nonexistant girl saw him and waved, but he disappeared with a little
flash of light. The beat continued, and Makoto suddenly realized the
girl wasn't tapping her feet anymore.
Hotaru's digital watch beeped, in time with the rhythm. She
looked at it, annoyed. "Ah, crap," she said, "almost time to go deal
with Setsuna." She rolled her eyes. "This is gonna be awkward."
"Stop pretending you don't love her," the nonexistant girl
said with a smirk. "You know it'll all work out, though maybe not in
such a way that everyone has a happy ending."
Makoto blinked. "Wait a minute. What's going to happen to
you now?"
The girl winked. "Oh, don't worry about me," she said in a
friendly tone. "I'll just keep right on not existing. I don't need a
happy ending." She leaned closer with mock secrecy. "To tell you the
truth, there's no such thing as a happy ending. Every ending is just
another moment, even something as pure as kissing your true love in
the moonlight, or flying away in a rocket ship." She gestured toward
the window, and Makoto looked out and saw that yes, there was a
mothership out there, actively waiting for passengers.
"It was very nice spending time with you, Makoto-san."
Hotaru nodded. "Yeah, it was. We should do this more often."
Makoto squinted in confusion. "But... wait a minute," she
said with alarm, "what's going to happen to ME?"
"You'll go back and continue being Sailor Jupiter," the
silver-haired girl replied. "That is... unless you want to change
your role. You could ride with me on the mothership; that might be
fun." She smiled in such a way that reminded Makoto of exactly what
kind of girl she'd been. The smile faded. "But... don't just go
because you're afraid of telling her what you did. She lives in her
own world. It's not your place to be a part of it."
Makoto didn't reply. She just stared out at the mothership.
"Ami and Minako," Hotaru muttered.
Makoto turned to look at her. "What?"
"Ami and Minako." The little girl's face was cold but
endearing, like it looked when she was Sailor Saturn. "I don't know
them very well, but it seems like they've been in the dark since this
whole mess began. Just a couple of outsiders, confused and frightened
and secretly wondering when the ground is going to fall out from under
them, like it did to you and me.
"They need someone to comfort them. They need someone to
protect them."
Makoto glanced at the silver-haired girl, who was watching
Hotaru with pride. "On some level, they all depend on you," the
living irony continued. "Or will. Or have. Right now Usagi has her
own destiny and Rei's so far gone that only one person can make her
happy, but Minako and Ami need you. They will not be the same without
Sailor Jupiter to protect them."
Makoto felt the miracle of the twilight boogie all over her
body. She closed her eyes and it faded. "You're right," she
murmured. "I'm Sailor Jupiter. I fight for them, not love and
justice. They're all I care about."
"They're lucky to have you, Mako-chan," the nonexistant girl
said softly, with a look on her face that once again reminded Makoto
of what kind of girl she'd been. "Maybe one day, you'll all ride the
mothership with me, hmm?"
"I think we'd all like that." Makoto smiled. "And I hope you
understand, if you ever need me, I'm here to protect you, too."
The girl smiled. Hotaru glanced at her watch and inserted
herself between her companions. "Sorry to interrupt the moment,
here," she said, "but I really have to get going to the time gate.
The fighting's stopped."
"Yeah, we should all get going," Makoto agreed after a moment.
"I'm worried about the others." The intoxicating rhythm distracted
her for a moment, as did the girl's soft grey eyes, but she quickly
refocused. "I hope I see both of you again soon," she said politely.
"And good luck with Setsuna, Hotaru-chan."
"Thanks," Hotaru replied. "And listen, if you ever need to
talk about anything; your parents, your boyfriend, anything... just
kill yourself and we'll have plenty of time to work it out."
Makoto blinked.
"Joke!" Hotaru exclaimed, grinning. "Seriously, I'll come
visit you... sometime next week, how's that sound?"
"That's fine," Makoto answered, not at all amused. She turned
to the nonexistant girl. "How about you, when will we speak again?"
The girl shrugged. "I'm afraid I can't visit as often as she
can. Not existing is different than being dead, you know. But
sometime."
"I'm glad." Makoto smiled at the two of them cheerfully,
innocently. "Well, see you."
"Bye."
"Bye.
The three of them turned and exited the room through three
different doors on three different walls. The air was still and dead
for a few moments, but slowly, gradually, the whole place, no longer
needed, began to fade. Soon nothing at all was left. Even the
intense, pervading music was gone, carried up to the empty space
between the planets, where light itself has freedom to dance.
