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Title: Outcast
Written By: Drea Jackman
Email:
X5-117@GeneticallyEngineered.co.uk
Website: Of Dreams & Reality -
http://DreaJackman.cjb.net
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Alec spends some time thinking
over how he can make amends after Max casts him
out of her life. (Set after the events in Proof of
Purchase)
Disclaimer: All Dark Angel characters
belong to James Cameron and Charles Eglee (Cameron
Eglee Productions) and Dark Angel itself belongs to
FOX...it's just not fair is it? *Sob*
Archive: If I've said yes before I'll
say it again, otherwise email me 'n' lemme know.
Feedback: Don't make me beg, please?
...D'OH!
A/N: Okay this was written fairly
quickly and in an every so slightly tainted, conscious
state...i.e. Drea was out on Saturday night and couldn't
sleep when she finally got home after
3am. I've read over it since and I don't'
know if I'm entirely happy with it so I might be
adding
more revisions when I decide how to say what's being
said in a better way.
Outcast
I can't even look at you right
now.'
The words seemed to be haunting Alec, but not as much as
the look on her face. The image
had burned itself into his mind and even there, hours
later atop the Space Needle, he couldn't
shake it. Eyes so hurt and conflicted until the final
moment when she turned her back on him
completely.
It wasn't the first time Max'd been mad at him,
but this time was different. Max wasn't really
angry at him, even Alec knew that. She was mad at herself
for not being able to let White's
device do it's job, for being human enough to feel
compelled to save his life rather than watch
him die.
The second he'd realised what it was Max had done
for him, Alec's expression had changed. He
was unable to hide how deeply shocked he was at not only
what she was willing to do for him,
but the fact that she'd given up so much in the
process.
How could he ever repay her? How could he even dare set
foot back in her life after costing her,
her relationship with Logan. Granted he supposed that
wasn't entirely true. Despite how he
many have sometimes appeared, Alec did know what love was
even if he still didn't completely
understand it. He saw the way Logan looked at her and a
small part of him immediately
compared it to how he looked at her when she wasn't
aware.
Max, 452, his assigned breeding partner and yet even
while the male, arrogant streak in him had
beamed at the pleasure he was to take in his orders, he'd
still been apprehensive. Manticore
wasn't a place for feelings of care or love and they'd
managed to only leave confusion and loss
in the wake of the true experience before. He'd lost
Rachel to the soldier Manticore had made
him to be. Now on the outside, even the man he was trying
to figure out how to be had lost the
only other person who'd ever been close to him.
The city lights twinkled below, another Seattle brownout
driven off, giving him something else to
focus on. Shifting Alec leaned forward, drawing his knees
up to his chest. His arms enfolded
them in a supportive hold while his head rested on top of
his knees. Subconsciously he craved
the kind of emotional or physical support any friend or
loved one would readily give, but he was
Alec and he was alone.
The lonely void let him focus questions he realised he'd
never asked himself before. Why
should he care? Why did the words spoken earlier that
night still resound in his ears, drowning
out the slight howl of the wind as it beat against his
huddled frame? Why had he felt something
tug apart deep, down inside as Max's eyes left his,
turning her back on him in an act he'd
expected since getting to know her? Surely someone who'd
clearly been able to light up his life
would have no place for a loser like him. Slowly, one by
one, the answers surfaced in his ever
conscious mind.
Alec was human, revved up at the genetic level or not.
When it came down to it he was still only
a man and new to the world that placed such high regard
on social prowess and stature. He
couldn't expect anyone to understand him and see him
for the man he was because when it
came down to the last bare and exposed seed of truth,
Alec didn't really know who that was
himself.
Max. The name always seemed to perk his attention when
mentioned. Banter that he usually
found himself readily enjoying had disappeared that
night. She hated him, she must. Alec had
cost her Logan of all things, how could she not?
Back at Manticore she'd been written into his life
through assignment, nothing more and nothing
less. Within days of that he'd found himself drawn
to her, allowing himself to be caught up in
idle chatter about life on the outside. Heck, he'd
even let her name him. Hearing her harsh
words that night had stung. He may not have been able to
always show it, but his relationship
with Max really was the only worthwhile thing he had
going in his life and it mattered alot to him.
In all his life, Alec had never meant anything to anyone.
He could've easily believed Rachel
Berrisford had loved him, but again faced with truth, she
hadn't known him at all, only the mask
his mission provided. He'd never had friends and
never been a friend so his relationship with
Max, the woman that literally gave him the world, was the
closest he had. As if her words
weren't enough, actually being helpless; forced to
watch as Max turned her back on him, hurt
more than he could bear.
Alec was hurt. More than that, he was angry. Angry at how
he'd managed to hurt the one
person to make a real difference in his life so far,
angry that he'd been dumb enough to not as
for her help in the first place now that he realised she
really would've been there for him and
angry that once again he'd messed everything up.
Hurt that, even though he felt he deserved it,
she wanted him out of her life. Alec felt empty;
abandoned in a new world even colder than the
one he'd grown up in.
At least in Manticore it was what he'd been trained
to be; what all of them had been trained to
be. Outside there was the capability of emotion; feelings
like love, hate, trust, comfort. All of
them there and all of them new. It figured that even in a
place so rich in it's capacity of people
offering care and support, Alec would find himself cast
out and undeserving of it all.
Sitting there alone in a spot he didn't know Max
found the same solace in, Alec sighed deeply.
The weight of sheer guilt more than he could bear alone,
but he had no choice. He had one
person in the world he could've even thought about
seeking council or advice from and he'd
wrecked a major part of her life. In so doing, he
realised now, he'd destroyed a major part of his
own.
Realisation began to dawn on him then. Alec needed Max in
his life. Someone to understand
who he was; what he was. He couldn't help but wonder
if it was that need for an understanding
or realisation of self that had driven his twin to the
path he'd followed.
Ben she'd called him, but to Alec he'd always
be 493, perhaps the monster locked up inside of
him just waiting for the right time to come out. Maybe on
some level they were really alike after
all. The craving to be understood or having something
like them in their lives was evident in
both. Perhaps if 493 had been with Max since the escape
he'd have realised how to be a man
outside of Manticore instead of reverting to the soldier
they'd created in him.
If that was true, how could Alec possibly survive out
there alone? Strength and speed, all of that
had no place in the equation. It was the man in him that
needed the kind of human contact Max
provided in his life. Being alone had allowed 493 to
become a fully fledged killer, even if his
conscience was still there. Tagging victims with his
barcode had been a symbol of hatred for
what he'd become, so he would kill it in his stead.
Still, he'd been unable to stop because he
didn't know how to do anything else or to make it
stop.
It was a prospect that terrified Alec more than anything
else. That the monster he'd been
created to be would inevitably take over and he'd
lose control, hurting and killing the people he
cared about. Not that there were many in the world. Max
and Joshua were just about it, but
again the images of both looking down on him played over
in his mind. He had already hurt
them, betrayed them to save his own sorry ass.
It just hadn't occurred to him that Max, someone
else, would've had his back if he'd only gone
to
her and asked her for help. Silently he berated his
stupidity and wondered how he could make it
up to her.
After a few hours Alec finally stirred. As he stood up he
stretched out his aching muscles and
shivered as the cold wind whipped up around him. At least
Alec felt like he knew what to do now.
Things could be better between them, even if making
amends would be a huge challenge for
him. He'd pull it off, his new mission objective
going into action as of that very moment.
Space. Max need some space; time away from him and the
argumentative banter they so often
shared. Given time the blow he'd dealt may heal over
enough for him to dare show his face
again when the wound wasn't so raw. All Alec could
hope for now was that giving Max the time
and space she needed to process and deal with everything
that had happened would be
enough. He had nothing else to offering in apology but
himself, as true and meager as the
offering was to him at that moment.
Quietly walking inside and making his way down off the
Space Needle, Alec made his way out of
Seattle hoping that when the day came to show his face
and return to Max's life again, he'd be
able to be enough.
The End
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