Phoebelude: How It's Effect Made Them Who They Are


PHOEBE ENTERS AND LOOKS THROUGH THE DOORWAY. SHRUGGING SHE TURNS BACK AND STANDS IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA.

PHOEBE: Phoebe Halliwell. Ex-normal person, ex-person with a life, ex-slut (who am I kidding), one third of the Charmeded Ones. I guess what Prue was saying... well that was kinda baffling there, and also soooo not us - Prue was trying to be all... what, biblical? Epic? Over-exaggerating? Anyway, yeah, we're the Charmeded Ones. Big deal! It's not like we're God or anything. Except Piper, she's my Goddess!
PIPER(OS): Thanks honey!
PHOEBE: Welcome! So yeah, true, our lives did become very hectic, but it's not like Prue wasn't grateful - this wiccan thing gave her something to do with all those hours Piper and I were on dates. Yeah, kick the odd demonic ass then spend the night with a tub of Ben and Jerry's in the tub or in front of a movie. Pretty sweet deal, huh?

A BRICK IS UNEXPECTEDLY THROWN FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA. IT NARROWLY MISSES PHOEBE. DRAT!

PHOEBE: Wow that was an unexpected narrow miss! Sheesh alright, I'm sorry! God! (to camera) I'm sorry - I apparently was going off course there. Jeez, just making conversation! Yeah, you see, the three of us each has her own little segment to present here; Prue's was the prophecy of the Charmeded Ones, mine is to talk about how it's affected us recently, and Piper... um... I guess hers is to stare at the wall, you know, her usual on-screen dramatic fabulousness! But anyway, onto my bit. Right, well, I guess I don't really have to say much, because if you watched that totally kick-ass commercial that was just before this, you would know what happened. We all got separated on our way into the past - we were going for no particular reason, just randomness - and got stuck. Of course, since the advert is almost a preview, I guess it's safe to tell you that...

SHE FLICKS THROUGH A SCRIPT.

PHOEBE: Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, woah, woah, woah! I lose my woolly pink hat? No way! That's - that's a calamity! I'm not doing that! Oh right here we are. I'll just read it out for you, one of Leo's lines. Ahem. Oh-no-Phee-bee-and-Pie-per-are-trapped-in-sep-ar-ate-dim-en-sions-who-cares-about-Prue? And here's one of Coles. Hey-oh-dear-the-deh-vil-is-com-ing-uh-oh-we-bet-ter-find-the-sis-ters!

SHE CLOSES THE SCRIPT.

PHOEBE: And there you have it. So basically, we all got separated into different dimensions in the past, and now Satan is rising. Like I already said.

ANOTHER BRICK IS THROWN. IT HITS PHOEBE'S LEG. SHE DOESN'T FLINCH.

PHOEBE: Hey! Thank God that leg is fake! Oh, I mean... uh, good thing I'm on drugs or that would have hurt! Guess I'm straying again, yeah? Right. So, how becoming the Charmeded Ones has affected us and made us the super-duper people we are today. Um... well, I'm just gonna show you a bunch of video clips from the last two years.

CUT TO:

CHARMEDED 1.1 (THAT'S THE EPISODE THE CLIP IS FROM, BRAINIACS - ITS SO I DON'T HAVE TO DO ALL THE "INT. MANOR - DAY" CRAP COS OT TAKES AGES AND YOU JUST WANT THE DIALOGUE, DON'T YOU?)

PIPER: So. What powers you got?
PAIGE: Well, not being one to brag...
PIPER: You are so Prue's replacement.
PAIGE: I have Levitation, Premonition, Astral Projection, Telekinesis, Tae Kwon Do, Telepathy, Matrix Moves and some stupid powers without names, mainly freezing and blowing stuff up, but they hardly count-

CUT TO:

CHARMEDED 1.2

BUCKO: I'm sorry, you may be the strongest witch this side of the galaxy, but you can not charm me into bed with you. Nothing is that powerful.
PRUE: I know, so:

PRUE SMASHES BUCKLANDS GUY OVER THE HEAD WITH A VASE AND DRAGS HIM TO HER BEDROOM.

CUT TO:

CHARMEDED 1.5

BUFFY TAKES OUT A CROSSBOW.

PIPER: Oh my god!

PIPER FREEZES BUFFY.

PHOEBE: Piper! You can't do that to Buffy! She'll kick your ass!

CUT TO:

CHARMEDED 1.6

PIPER: Phoebe! Your stupidity astounds me!
PHOEBE: What? We're losing, if I switch teams I get to win! Besides, you say 'kablammo' and you're calling me stupid?

CUT TO:

CHARMEDED 1.6

LEO: I'm turning myself into the Dark Side. I'm trying for a new job with evil.
PIPER: Oh yeah what job?
LEO: Satan.
PIPER: Wow that's a lot of work!
LEO: Nah Satan is so overrated these days! Now he tends to have minions to do everything for him.
PHOEBE: Oh! Oh! I could be a minion!

CUT TO:

CHARMEDED 2.1

PIPER: Oh my god! What happened?
PHOEBE: You were killed by a big fluffy bunny!

CUT TO:

CHARMEDED 2.4

PIPER: How come whenever anyone describes an Irish accent, they always call it 'lilting'?
PRUE: What's brown and sticky? A stick!
PHOEBE: I can talk to squirrels!

CUT TO:

CHARMEDED 2.5

PHOEBE: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
PRUE: I love Prue?
PHOEBE/PIPER: Where's my tractor!!!

CUT TO:

CHARMEDED 2.6

PRUE: I started a new religion. Yeah - Prueism.
PIPER: Count me in!
PHOEBE: So I finally got round to actually making my own web site. It's called "The Charmeded Ones: Their Weaknesses And How To Take Advantage, Defeat Them Or Just Physically Kick Their Asses From Time To Time." Whaddya think?
COLE: What's the address!

CUT TO:

SUDDENLY THERE IS A NOISE LIKE A RECORD BEING STOPPED AND PHOEBE REAPPEARS ON SCREEN. SHE PUTS OUT HER DOOB HASTILY.

PHOEBE: Uhhh... apparently the jokers behind the scenes think I was showing too many clips. Huh. They think I'm deterring you guys from simply going back and watching the old series. You have to flip back a lot of pages on the fanfiction website to find series one, I know that! Maybe we should repeat the series...
COLE(OS): Nooooooo!
PHOEBE: Alright, alright, 'honey'. Oh well, I don't got nothin' more to say to yous. Huh. See ya!

SHE SKIPS THROUGH THE DOORWAY. WE HEAR COUGHING (THE SMOKE, REMEMBER?).