Phoebelude: How It's Effect Made Them Who They Are
PHOEBE ENTERS AND LOOKS THROUGH THE DOORWAY. SHRUGGING SHE TURNS BACK AND STANDS IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA.
PHOEBE: Phoebe Halliwell. Ex-normal person, ex-person with a life, ex-slut (who am I kidding), one third of the Charmeded Ones. I guess what Prue was saying... well that was kinda baffling there, and also soooo not us - Prue was trying to be all... what, biblical? Epic? Over-exaggerating? Anyway, yeah, we're the Charmeded Ones. Big deal! It's not like we're God or anything. Except Piper, she's my Goddess!
PIPER(OS): Thanks honey!
PHOEBE: Welcome! So yeah, true, our lives did become very hectic, but it's not like Prue wasn't grateful - this wiccan thing gave her something to do with all those hours Piper and I were on dates. Yeah, kick the odd demonic ass then spend the night with a tub of Ben and Jerry's in the tub or in front of a movie. Pretty sweet deal, huh?
A BRICK IS UNEXPECTEDLY THROWN FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA. IT NARROWLY MISSES PHOEBE. DRAT!
PHOEBE: Wow that was an unexpected narrow miss! Sheesh alright, I'm sorry! God! (to camera) I'm sorry - I apparently was going off course there. Jeez, just making conversation! Yeah, you see, the three of us each has her own little segment to present here; Prue's was the prophecy of the Charmeded Ones, mine is to talk about how it's affected us recently, and Piper... um... I guess hers is to stare at the wall, you know, her usual on-screen dramatic fabulousness! But anyway, onto my bit. Right, well, I guess I don't really have to say much, because if you watched that totally kick-ass commercial that was just before this, you would know what happened. We all got separated on our way into the past - we were going for no particular reason, just randomness - and got stuck. Of course, since the advert is almost a preview, I guess it's safe to tell you that...
SHE FLICKS THROUGH A SCRIPT.
PHOEBE: Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, woah, woah, woah! I lose my woolly pink hat? No way! That's - that's a calamity! I'm not doing that! Oh right here we are. I'll just read it out for you, one of Leo's lines. Ahem. Oh-no-Phee-bee-and-Pie-per-are-trapped-in-sep-ar-ate-dim-en-sions-who-cares-about-Prue? And here's one of Coles. Hey-oh-dear-the-deh-vil-is-com-ing-uh-oh-we-bet-ter-find-the-sis-ters!
SHE CLOSES THE SCRIPT.
PHOEBE: And there you have it. So basically, we all got separated into different dimensions in the past, and now Satan is rising. Like I already said.
ANOTHER BRICK IS THROWN. IT HITS PHOEBE'S LEG. SHE DOESN'T FLINCH.
PHOEBE: Hey! Thank God that leg is fake! Oh, I mean... uh, good thing I'm on drugs or that would have hurt! Guess I'm straying again, yeah? Right. So, how becoming the Charmeded Ones has affected us and made us the super-duper people we are today. Um... well, I'm just gonna show you a bunch of video clips from the last two years.
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 1.1 (THAT'S THE EPISODE THE CLIP IS FROM, BRAINIACS - ITS SO I DON'T HAVE TO DO ALL THE "INT. MANOR - DAY" CRAP COS OT TAKES AGES AND YOU JUST WANT THE DIALOGUE, DON'T YOU?)
PIPER: So. What powers you got?
PAIGE: Well, not being one to brag...
PIPER: You are so Prue's replacement.
PAIGE: I have Levitation, Premonition, Astral Projection, Telekinesis, Tae Kwon Do, Telepathy, Matrix Moves and some stupid powers without names, mainly freezing and blowing stuff up, but they hardly count-
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 1.2
BUCKO: I'm sorry, you may be the strongest witch this side of the galaxy, but you can not charm me into bed with you. Nothing is that powerful.
PRUE: I know, so:
PRUE SMASHES BUCKLANDS GUY OVER THE HEAD WITH A VASE AND DRAGS HIM TO HER BEDROOM.
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 1.5
BUFFY TAKES OUT A CROSSBOW.
PIPER: Oh my god!
PIPER FREEZES BUFFY.
PHOEBE: Piper! You can't do that to Buffy! She'll kick your ass!
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 1.6
PIPER: Phoebe! Your stupidity astounds me!
PHOEBE: What? We're losing, if I switch teams I get to win! Besides, you say 'kablammo' and you're calling me stupid?
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 1.6
LEO: I'm turning myself into the Dark Side. I'm trying for a new job with evil.
PIPER: Oh yeah what job?
LEO: Satan.
PIPER: Wow that's a lot of work!
LEO: Nah Satan is so overrated these days! Now he tends to have minions to do everything for him.
PHOEBE: Oh! Oh! I could be a minion!
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 2.1
PIPER: Oh my god! What happened?
PHOEBE: You were killed by a big fluffy bunny!
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 2.4
PIPER: How come whenever anyone describes an Irish accent, they always call it 'lilting'?
PRUE: What's brown and sticky? A stick!
PHOEBE: I can talk to squirrels!
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 2.5
PHOEBE: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
PRUE: I love Prue?
PHOEBE/PIPER: Where's my tractor!!!
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 2.6
PRUE: I started a new religion. Yeah - Prueism.
PIPER: Count me in!
PHOEBE: So I finally got round to actually making my own web site. It's called "The Charmeded Ones: Their Weaknesses And How To Take Advantage, Defeat Them Or Just Physically Kick Their Asses From Time To Time." Whaddya think?
COLE: What's the address!
CUT TO:
SUDDENLY THERE IS A NOISE LIKE A RECORD BEING STOPPED AND PHOEBE REAPPEARS ON SCREEN. SHE PUTS OUT HER DOOB HASTILY.
PHOEBE: Uhhh... apparently the jokers behind the scenes think I was showing too many clips. Huh. They think I'm deterring you guys from simply going back and watching the old series. You have to flip back a lot of pages on the fanfiction website to find series one, I know that! Maybe we should repeat the series...
COLE(OS): Nooooooo!
PHOEBE: Alright, alright, 'honey'. Oh well, I don't got nothin' more to say to yous. Huh. See ya!
SHE SKIPS THROUGH THE DOORWAY. WE HEAR COUGHING (THE SMOKE, REMEMBER?).
PHOEBE ENTERS AND LOOKS THROUGH THE DOORWAY. SHRUGGING SHE TURNS BACK AND STANDS IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA.
PHOEBE: Phoebe Halliwell. Ex-normal person, ex-person with a life, ex-slut (who am I kidding), one third of the Charmeded Ones. I guess what Prue was saying... well that was kinda baffling there, and also soooo not us - Prue was trying to be all... what, biblical? Epic? Over-exaggerating? Anyway, yeah, we're the Charmeded Ones. Big deal! It's not like we're God or anything. Except Piper, she's my Goddess!
PIPER(OS): Thanks honey!
PHOEBE: Welcome! So yeah, true, our lives did become very hectic, but it's not like Prue wasn't grateful - this wiccan thing gave her something to do with all those hours Piper and I were on dates. Yeah, kick the odd demonic ass then spend the night with a tub of Ben and Jerry's in the tub or in front of a movie. Pretty sweet deal, huh?
A BRICK IS UNEXPECTEDLY THROWN FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA. IT NARROWLY MISSES PHOEBE. DRAT!
PHOEBE: Wow that was an unexpected narrow miss! Sheesh alright, I'm sorry! God! (to camera) I'm sorry - I apparently was going off course there. Jeez, just making conversation! Yeah, you see, the three of us each has her own little segment to present here; Prue's was the prophecy of the Charmeded Ones, mine is to talk about how it's affected us recently, and Piper... um... I guess hers is to stare at the wall, you know, her usual on-screen dramatic fabulousness! But anyway, onto my bit. Right, well, I guess I don't really have to say much, because if you watched that totally kick-ass commercial that was just before this, you would know what happened. We all got separated on our way into the past - we were going for no particular reason, just randomness - and got stuck. Of course, since the advert is almost a preview, I guess it's safe to tell you that...
SHE FLICKS THROUGH A SCRIPT.
PHOEBE: Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, woah, woah, woah! I lose my woolly pink hat? No way! That's - that's a calamity! I'm not doing that! Oh right here we are. I'll just read it out for you, one of Leo's lines. Ahem. Oh-no-Phee-bee-and-Pie-per-are-trapped-in-sep-ar-ate-dim-en-sions-who-cares-about-Prue? And here's one of Coles. Hey-oh-dear-the-deh-vil-is-com-ing-uh-oh-we-bet-ter-find-the-sis-ters!
SHE CLOSES THE SCRIPT.
PHOEBE: And there you have it. So basically, we all got separated into different dimensions in the past, and now Satan is rising. Like I already said.
ANOTHER BRICK IS THROWN. IT HITS PHOEBE'S LEG. SHE DOESN'T FLINCH.
PHOEBE: Hey! Thank God that leg is fake! Oh, I mean... uh, good thing I'm on drugs or that would have hurt! Guess I'm straying again, yeah? Right. So, how becoming the Charmeded Ones has affected us and made us the super-duper people we are today. Um... well, I'm just gonna show you a bunch of video clips from the last two years.
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 1.1 (THAT'S THE EPISODE THE CLIP IS FROM, BRAINIACS - ITS SO I DON'T HAVE TO DO ALL THE "INT. MANOR - DAY" CRAP COS OT TAKES AGES AND YOU JUST WANT THE DIALOGUE, DON'T YOU?)
PIPER: So. What powers you got?
PAIGE: Well, not being one to brag...
PIPER: You are so Prue's replacement.
PAIGE: I have Levitation, Premonition, Astral Projection, Telekinesis, Tae Kwon Do, Telepathy, Matrix Moves and some stupid powers without names, mainly freezing and blowing stuff up, but they hardly count-
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 1.2
BUCKO: I'm sorry, you may be the strongest witch this side of the galaxy, but you can not charm me into bed with you. Nothing is that powerful.
PRUE: I know, so:
PRUE SMASHES BUCKLANDS GUY OVER THE HEAD WITH A VASE AND DRAGS HIM TO HER BEDROOM.
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 1.5
BUFFY TAKES OUT A CROSSBOW.
PIPER: Oh my god!
PIPER FREEZES BUFFY.
PHOEBE: Piper! You can't do that to Buffy! She'll kick your ass!
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 1.6
PIPER: Phoebe! Your stupidity astounds me!
PHOEBE: What? We're losing, if I switch teams I get to win! Besides, you say 'kablammo' and you're calling me stupid?
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 1.6
LEO: I'm turning myself into the Dark Side. I'm trying for a new job with evil.
PIPER: Oh yeah what job?
LEO: Satan.
PIPER: Wow that's a lot of work!
LEO: Nah Satan is so overrated these days! Now he tends to have minions to do everything for him.
PHOEBE: Oh! Oh! I could be a minion!
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 2.1
PIPER: Oh my god! What happened?
PHOEBE: You were killed by a big fluffy bunny!
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 2.4
PIPER: How come whenever anyone describes an Irish accent, they always call it 'lilting'?
PRUE: What's brown and sticky? A stick!
PHOEBE: I can talk to squirrels!
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 2.5
PHOEBE: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
PRUE: I love Prue?
PHOEBE/PIPER: Where's my tractor!!!
CUT TO:
CHARMEDED 2.6
PRUE: I started a new religion. Yeah - Prueism.
PIPER: Count me in!
PHOEBE: So I finally got round to actually making my own web site. It's called "The Charmeded Ones: Their Weaknesses And How To Take Advantage, Defeat Them Or Just Physically Kick Their Asses From Time To Time." Whaddya think?
COLE: What's the address!
CUT TO:
SUDDENLY THERE IS A NOISE LIKE A RECORD BEING STOPPED AND PHOEBE REAPPEARS ON SCREEN. SHE PUTS OUT HER DOOB HASTILY.
PHOEBE: Uhhh... apparently the jokers behind the scenes think I was showing too many clips. Huh. They think I'm deterring you guys from simply going back and watching the old series. You have to flip back a lot of pages on the fanfiction website to find series one, I know that! Maybe we should repeat the series...
COLE(OS): Nooooooo!
PHOEBE: Alright, alright, 'honey'. Oh well, I don't got nothin' more to say to yous. Huh. See ya!
SHE SKIPS THROUGH THE DOORWAY. WE HEAR COUGHING (THE SMOKE, REMEMBER?).
