CHARMEDED PRESS CONFERENCE: DOCUMENTATION TWO.

EXT. ... SOME PLACE, 2000 HOURS (8pm, idium!)

IT IS NIGHT, WE ARE IN A DESERT SOMEPLACE NORTH OF SOMEWHERE ELSE. AFTER A FEW NICE ESTABLISHING SHOTS (THE HARVEST MOON, A CACTUS, THE SAND, A MESSAGE IN THE SAND SOMEONE HAS WRITTEN WITH A STICK WHICH READS "ALYSSA MILANO DID IT ALL FOR THE COOKIE" AND "SHANNEN IS KING - I MEAN, QUEEN"). WE THEN CLOSE UP ON AN OLD ABANDONED HUT TYPE THING. FX: THE CAMERA BEGINS TO BE NATURALLY WALKED TOWARDS THE HUT. A HAND APPEARS FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA AND PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN. THERE IS A STARTLED GASP FROM INSIDE, AND AS THE HUT DOOR IS PUSHED OPEN, WE SEE SHANNEN DOHERTY AND HOLLY MARIE COMBS STANDING IN FRONT OF SOMETHING, HIDING IT. THE CAMERA DOOD SHIFTS WEIGHT. SHANNEN AND HOLLY LOOK SHOCKED, SHANNEN TAKES ON A DEFIANT LOOK.

SHANNEN: I'm not gonna show you this, you know. Don't think that we're gonna move, you know, just so you can be all "ooh look I made them move" cos I'm Shannen Doherty and I'm strong. We're strong, right Combs? Never give up! They may take our lives, but they will never take our-

SHE NOTICES THAT HOLLY MOVED ASIDE AGES AGO.

SHANNEN: You goddamn traitor!

THE CAMERA LOOKS AROUND HER TO SEE ALYSSA MILANO SITTING IN A CHAIR, BOUND AND GAGGED.

KT(OS): Oh god you guys what are you doing?
SHANNEN: Oh, nothing she can't handle!

KT PUTS THE CAMERA DOWN AND WE SEE HER FEET RUNNING TOWARDS ALYSSA MILANO. KT TAKES HER GAG OFF (SOMETIMES KT IS IRRATIONALLY DIM-WITTED).

ALYSSA: They told me they'd give me a chocolate chip cookie if I came and played with them in the hut.
SHANNEN: Shut up, squeal!
ALYSSA: But Shannen, you two were really mean to me!
KT: Yeah? What exactly did they do to you?
ALYSSA: Well maybe if you weren't avoiding looking at me for some reason...

(KT LOOKS SLIGHTLY ABASHED)

ALYSSA: ... then you'd see for yourself.

KT SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY RAISES HER EYES TO HER FACE... AND BURST OUT LAUGHING. THERE ARE SCRIBBLES ALL OVER ALYSSA'S FACE.

ALYSSA: Those b*tches drew on me!
HOLLY: Hey! Don't call me a b*tch, b*tch!

KT PICKS UP A MARKER AND WRITES "SERENDIPITY?" ON MILANO'S FACE. SHE THINKS IT'S HILARIOUS. SHE IS POSITIVELY PEEING HERSELF LAUGHING.

SHANNEN: I don't get it.
KT: Oh you wouldn't.
SHANNEN: Huh?
HOLLY: What an idiot, eh KT?
SHANNEN: Hey Combs - you're supposed to be MY best friend!
HOLLY: Here's lookin' at'cha!
SHANNEN: What? What the hell does that mean?
KT: Ha ha Shannen doesn't get anything anyone's saying! Idium!
ALYSSA: I don't get it!
HOLLY: Yeah, but you're a retard.
KT: Anyway! I'm supposed to be interviewing you anyway, even though since I own this show (note - that's CharmedED KT owns - don't sue me!) it doesn't matter cos I could expose you guys without bothering with all this bullspit.
HOLLY: Bull what?
KT: Oh shut up. Okay, whatever, on with the damn interview type thing. Untie the ho.

SHANNEN TK'S THE ROPE OF ALYSSA.

KT: Wait... did I just see that?

SHANNEN SHRUGS.

SHANNEN: Uh... see what? It was just a dream!

SHE STARTS WAVING HER ARMS AROUND, LOOKING EVEN MORE STUPID THAN USUAL.

SHANNEN: You imagined that I actually do have powers, you imagined seeing me untie Alyssa Milano that way-
HOLLY: You imagined having sex with Dryden from Alien Ant Farm last night-
KT: Oh THAT was not imagined-
ALYSSA: Or was it?

THEY ALL START WAVING THEIR ARMS AT KT.

ALL(EXCEPT KT, NATCH): It was a dream, KT, a dreeeeeeeaaaammmmm!
KT: You know, maybe it was. I mean, Shannen doesn't have powers, it's her character! It would be a hell of a serendipity if you actually had those powers, then got a role playing someone who had them too. Although... it does explain why we never seem to use special effects, if you could do it yourselves..
SHANNEN: Okay, this isn't working.

SHE PICKS UP ALYSSA...'S CHAIR AND SMACKS KT OVER THE HEAD WITH IT (YOU WERE HOPING SHE WAS GONNA HIT HER WITH ALYSSA, EH?). KT FALLS TO THE FLOOR, UNCONSCIOUS.

KT: Owie...
SHANNEN: Shut it, doofus, you're supposed to be knocked out!

SHE KICKS KT.

SHANNEN: Well, that's me beat her good. Damn, I hurt my foot on her cranium.

HOLLY TOO KICKS KT (HOW COULD YOU HOLLY, I THOUGHT WE HAD AN UNDERSTANDING AFTER WE HAD OUR CHILD!)

HOLLY: Owie! I hurt my foot on her uterus. Oh well, no more 'accident's for her.

SHE SHUDDERS. ALYSSA ATTEMPTS TO KICK KT, BUT MISSES AND FALLS ON HER CANDY ASS.

ALYSSA: Ow my ass!
SHANNEN: God is that all you ever say?
ALYSSA: Shannen, have you ever heard of something... ooh I forget what it's called - oh yeah - being NICE?
HOLLY(dryly): Oh, burn.
ALYSSA(genuinely): Thanks, friend!

HOLLY SHUDDERS.

SHANNEN: So what're we gonna do with the body?
HOLLY: Look, idium, just because you beat someone up it doesn't mean they're dead!

SHANNEN FEEL'S KT'S PULSE.

SHANNEN: Okay, so I have no idea what I'm doing.
ALYSSA: I seem to be getting deja-vu here!
SHANNEN: That's because you never have any idea what you're doing. But I've got to get this right... I'm always right! I never... give... up!
HOLLY: Shannen, you're not Prue remember, you're not a stuck up b*tch who has to do everything for herself or so she thinks.
SHANNEN: You're right! You check if she's alive!
HOLLY: What? No! I'm not you're monkey b*tch!
SHANNEN: Do as I say.
HOLLY: No way! You're 5 foot 3!

SHANNEN GRABS HOLLY BY HER SHIRT AND PHYSICALLY LIFTS HER INTO THE AIR.

SHANNEN: I'M FIVE FOOT FOUR, DAMMIT!
HOLLY: O-okay, Shannen, what-ever, whatever you say! Stop shaking me! My brain feels funny!
SHANNEN: It's called being you, a.k.a being retarded, dillhole!
HOLLY: Right! Okay! Please, just put me down! I'll do what you want!

SHANNEN DROPS HOLLY, WHO LANDS ON HER CANDY ASS.

HOLLY: Ow my butt!
SHANNEN: Shut up, loser.

HOLLY LEANS OVER KT. SUDDENLLY SHE IS STRUCK BY A FLASHBACK.

*

KT AND HOLLY ARE IN THE HOSPITAL, LOOKING AT THE BABY GIRL IN KT'S ARMS.

KT: It looks just like you.
HOLLY: Which one?
KT: Both of you!

HOLLY AND NEVE CAMPBELL (!) PUT THEIR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER PROUDLY.

KT: Yup. My daughter looks just like both of her fathers.
NEVE: I'm so happy!
HOLLY: Me too!

THE FLASHBACK ENDS.

*

ALYSSA: What is it Holly?
SHANNEN: Oh man, you had a flashback, didn't you?
HOLLY: Uh, no! Course not!
SHANNEN: Yes you did! Don't lie to me Combs, I can see right through you.
ALYSSA: Yeah, it's like you don't even exist!

THEY BOTH STARE AT MILAN- I MEAN, ALYSSA.

ALYSSA: I didn'y say anything.
SHANNEN: Combs, flashbacks are for losers who want sympathy. So shut the f*ck up, loser.
HOLLY: I think you may have fleas.
SHANNEN: You know, that's not funny, cos I think I do!
ALYSSA: What's brown and sticky?
ALL: A STICK!!!

ALL BURST OUT LAUGHING.

HOLLY: Man, I never get tired of those jokes.
SHANNEN: What's blue and-
HOLLY: Shut up! I'm tired of those jokes.
SHANNEN: Fine! I'll make up a new one.

THERE IS AT LEAST 10 MINUTES SILENCE (I WARN YOU, I AM REALLY MAKING THIS JOKE UP RIGHT NOW!).

*OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I JUST CAME UP WITH A GREAT ONE!!!!! BUT WHO SHOULD I MAKE SAY IT...?*

SUDDENLY KT COMES OUT OF HER... UNCONCIOUSNESS.

KT: What did the pillow say to the other pillow?

ALL LOOK AT HER EXPECTANTLY.

KT: Nothing! It's a pillow, idiot!

A DRUM ROLL IS HEARD. SHANNEN AND HOLLY BURST OUT LAUGHING ALONG WITH KT.

ALYSSA: I don't get it!
HOLLY: Oh bugger off, retard!

ALYSSA PUTS ON HER SAD FACE. IT'S COMICAL, COS SHE'S NOT HAPPY. WHICH MAKES US HAPPY.

SHANNEN: You know, KT, you're not so bad. But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to modify all your memories to make you think I told that joke, so you'll all love me more.
ALYSSA: What? No way!
SHANNEN: Oh yes.

SHANNEN GETS UP, PICKS UP THE CAMERA AND PLACES IT ON THE GROUND OUTSIDE THE HUT.

SHANNEN(whispered): Bye bye.

SHE CLOSES THE DOOR.

THERE IS A PAUSE.

SCREAMS ARE HEARD FROM INSIDE.

THE SCREEN GOES ALL GREY AND FUZZY AS THE TAPE RUNS OUT.










Can anyone tell I'm sorta putting off the airing of series three?
I'm working on it - I promise!
Don't hurt me again!

kt