BEHIND THE SCENES OF CHARMEDED: INSIDE THE ACTOR'S STUDIO, FLY ON THE WALL, WHATEVER YOU WANNA CALL IT.



THE CAMERA IS TURNED ON, BUT IT'S OBVIOUS NO ONE KNOWS.

WE ARE LOOKING AT A PART OF THE LIVING ROOM SET OF CHARMEDED (CAN YOU BELIEVE?), EXCEPT IT IS DIFFERENT. NEW FURNITURE IS BEING ADDED. THE DELIVERY MEN ALL CARRY THINGS ON SET, PUT THEM DOWN, ARRANGE THEM THEN GO AWAY.

VOICE(OS): Guys - facing the other way! You got that angle at least 7 degrees wrong!

THE OWNER OF THE VOICE, ONE HOLLY MARIE COMBS (PICKET FENCES, CHARMED) WALKS INTO VIEW, AND NOW OUR BEHIND THE SCENES SCENE TRUELY BEGINS.

HOLLY: Okay, look, if I'm gonna actually stay for this series of Charmeded, then there's gonna be a few little 'adjustments'.

ALYSSA MILANO (VARIOUS PORN) ENTERS.

ALYSSA: Holly, don't you love working on the show any more?
HOLLY: Alyssa, sweetie, Shannen Doherty taught us that you have to threaten people in order to get what you want in life.
ALYSSA: Yeah, but aren't you being a bit... I dunno...

SHE FLICKS THROUGH A THESAURUS.

ALYSSA: ... extreme? I mean, in all seriousness, you could easily be replaced by, well, a lamp post.
HOLLY: Well, you could be replaced by a... a...

SHE GRABS PHOEBE'S THESAURUS.

HOLLY: A... this! This thesaurus could replace you, although it totally wouldn't be suited to your character. You'd be better off being played by a kids '1-2-3-a-b-c' book.
ALYSSA: Really?
HOLLY: Or a walking c*nt
SHANNEN(OS): Holly! You know I hate the 'C' word.
ALYSSA: What's the 'C' word?

SHANNEN DOHERTY (ALL THE CLASSIC FILMS - MALLRATS, HEATHERS, JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK , TV'S CHARMED) ENTERS.

SHANNEN: Holly just said it, dipsh*t.
ALYSSA: What, 'walking'?

HOLLY SLAPS HER HEAD.

HOLLY: Ow!
SHANNEN: Idium.
HOLLY: Hey I thought you were gonna try harder to be nice to me, so we can pass off pretending to be best friends.
SHANNEN: Yeah, well, then I remembered who you are.
HOLLY: Anyway, besides, in case you didn't know, I do actually live on the set of Charmeded because I'm that crap I don't have a home of my own. So I should make it nice, shouldn't I?
SHANNEN: Ha ha! I'm so rich, I could buy this place about 50 times! More, even! Stop looking at me like a poverty ridden rodent, Combs, I ain't giving you any of my sweet, sweet moolah.
ALYSSA: Shannen isn't nice.
HOLLY: I know, honey, I know.
SHANNEN: Serendipity?
HOLLY: Although she does come up with some FANTASTIC jokes! Ha ha what did the pillow say to the other pillow?
SHANNEN: Nothing you f*cking retard - it's a pillow!
ALYSSA: Ha! That IS funny! I don't get it.
HOLLY: Seriously, Shannen, that one joke entitles you to the label "comical prodigy"
SHANNEN: I am a comical prodigy, amen't I?

SHE TURNS AROUND AND SNICKERS KNOWINGLY. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE SHE GOT AWAY WITH MODIFYING OUR MEMORIES AND STEALING MY JOKE! I REMEMBER, THOUGH, JUST LET SHANNEN WAIT...

ALYSSA: I believe the correct term is "aren't I".

BOTH STARE AT ALYSSA. AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE ENSUES.

SHANNEN: Anyway...
ALYSSA: What did the pillow say to the other pillow?
HOLLY: F*cking nothing you goddamn f*cking retard - it's a pillow you stoopid sh*t-faced idium!
SHANNEN: Woah Holly, that 'HABIT' is getting a bit unhealthy.
HOLLY: IT'S NOT A HABIT IT'S A... a... a... um... what?
SHANNEN: Ha! You dummy! I caught your ass out good! You're so used to it being called a problem that I mixed you up and now you look like a retard! God I wish there were more people around to see that...
HOLLY: Screw you.
SHANNEN: Maybe I will!

SHANNEN SKIPS AWAY LAUGHING.

ALYSSA: Where's she off to?

HOLLY LOOKS AT HER.

ALYSSA: Ew...

BRAIN KRAUSE (IF THERE'S ANYTHING, I DON'T KNOW. DON'T TELL ME IF YOU KNOW, IT WON'T MAKE A DAMN DIFFERENCE) ENTERS.

BRIAN: Hey honey.
HOLLY/ALYSSA: Hey!

HOLLY AND ALYSSA GIVE EACH OTHER EVILS.

BRIAN: So... this place is... uh... different.
HOLLY: You dissin' it?
BRIAN: No, no. I like it! Or do I...?

HE FALLS ONTO THE MASSIVE LEATHER SOFA.

BRIAN: Mmm... leathery.

ALYSSA PICKS UP HIS LEGS AND SITS UNDER HIM, PUTTING HIS LEGS OVER HERS. HOLLY QUICKLY SITS AT THE OTHER SIDE, RESTING HIS HEAD ON HER LAP.

ALYSSA: You know, it's be really nice to have sex on this sofa!
HOLLY: Well, why don't I call your dog and you can give it a shot!
BRIAN: Ladies! Ladies, there's plenty Brian for all-

JULIAN MCMAHON (PROB SOME AUSTRALIAN STUFF. I DON'T KNOW, DAMMIT!) ENTERS. BEFORE BRIAN HAS FINISHED HIS SENTENCE HE FINDS HIMSELF ON THE FLOOR AS THE GIRLS STAND UP TO GREET JULIAN.

HOLLY: Hi Julian!
ALYSSA: Hi Cole, I mean Belthazor, I mean Cole, I mean... what's your name again?
JULIAN: The name's Beast. Sexy Beast.
ALYSSA: Okay Beast!
JULIAN: Please, call me Sexy.
ALYSSA: Okay Sexy!
HOLLY: Julian, you know she doesn't understand what you mean.
JULIAN: Yeah, but it's fun being called that. Wanna f*ck?
HOLLY: Well, I'm not usually that forward, and I hate it when people call it f*cking, but sure!

HOLLY WALKS OVER BRIAN AND SHE AND JULIAN DASH OFF SCREEN.

ALYSSA: What are they gonna do?
BRIAN: They're gonna have sex.

HE GETS UP AND SITS NEXT TO ALYSSA.

BRIAN: As usual, all for Julian, none for Brian.

THERE'S A LONG PAUSE.

ALYSSA: What did you say they were gonna do? I forgot.
BRIAN: Jesus you little idium! They're gonna have sex, they're gonna do it, kapeesh?
ALYSSA: Sure, I get it.

THERE'S ANOTHER PAUSE.

ALYSSA: What's sex?

BEAT.

BRIAN: Uh, it's too hard to explain. How about I show you?
ALYSSA: Okay!

THEY EXIT AS SHANNEN ENTERS.

SHANNEN: Man that was- hey where'd everybody go? Hello? Does anybody hear me?

A LIGHTBULB APPEARS ON HER HEAD. IT'S WIERD, SINCE THIS ISN'T A CARTOON. SHE DUCKS BEHIND THE SOFA AND COME OUT WITH A MICROPHONE THAT SAYS 'KT' ON IT. SHE SINGS INTO IT.

SHANNEN: Does anybody hear me? Does anybody hear me? Does anybody hear me? Does anybody hear me?

HOLLY, JULIAN, ALYSSA AND BRIAN ENTER.

ALL: YES now shut the f*ck up!

ALL EXIT.

SHANNEN: Okay... gee I'm bored. Now what can a huge global superstar like me do when she's bored? Oh I know! Count my moolah!

SHE LOOKS DIRECTLY AT THE CAMERA.

SHANNEN: Hey is that camera on?
CAMERA: Uh... no.
SHANNEN: Hey check it out! The camera can talk! I can make even MORE money with this! No, what are you doing?

THE CAMERA IS HOPPING TO THE END OF THE TABLE.

SHANNEN: Don't do it! I need cash to make up for my love life or lack thereof!

THE CAMERA LEAPS OFF THE TABLE. WE SEE THE GROUND ZOOMING UP INTO THE SCREEN. CRACK!

*Since the camera killed itself, this is der end. G'bye*




"See Scream 4...0, it's a hoot! Starring Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Shannen Doherty as 'Prue' and many more top quality actors!"
Quote by KT.