April 26, 2000
This morning was not the most fun. Steve met me on the way to German class and told me that maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore. We talked about it. Turns out, he thinks that me and Jesse are getting serious. I assured him that Jess and I are friends and I harbor no romantic feelings toward him. Steve believed me. But he's not quite so sure that Jess doesn't have feelings for me.
He also said that he thinks I might be better off with someone else. He says there are guys interested in me who would be better for me. I wish he hadn't seen anyone hitting on me. Because of his track record in dating, he has low confidence.
I told him that I only want to be with him. I said I'd even like to marry him, because I want to be with him always.
I begged him not to leave. He apologized for scaring me like that. And we embraced. I was so close to tears, and he knew it. I so don't want to lose him.
I barely see him now. My friends are fading. Perhaps I should have never mentioned them to the therapist. Will they all disappear? I want so much to be with them. I want to be with them more all the time. But it's so difficult. My mind is clouded with all this stuff, and I hate it. I want to cross over.
If I write more, maybe I will.
Today I go to the psychiatrist to get medication. Will they disappear after I take pills?
I'm worried now. Maybe Steve is too. Maybe that's why he attempted to break it off. But I'm not letting him go that easily...
I can't afford to lose Steve, or any of my friends. What if it happens? Other people I know do NOT compare with these.
"Steve?" I look into his fading eyes. "What if today is the last time I see you? Or even hear from you? What if they take you from me?"
Steve takes my hand, holding it between his. "I'm not going away without a fight."
"But you were breaking up with me before."
Shaking his head, he says, "Kel, I'm only going away if it'll make you happier. Even if we break up, I'm still your friend. That's a constant. Throughout the years."
"Steve," I cry, "I want to be with you always!"
I don't see him now, but he's still with me.
"Take me with you!" I beg. "Take me to our friends, away from the earth and its rottenness! I despise this place! Help me leave!"
"I wish I could!"
"Mark says that if I write well enough, one day I'll cross over. I want to cross over now! Why can't I find the door?"
"Maybe you need to stay."
"No!"
"Or maybe you are meant to go. You just have to find a way."
"I want to find my way to you, Steve! Where are you?"
"Right here."
"Then why can't I see you?"
"Because something's in the way. What you need to do is dream. Loosen the grasp on you and slip free from your bonds!"
"Can you untie me?"
"Wish I could. Close your eyes, Kel! Dream of us together. Dream that you are free!"
"I want so much to be free!"
"Then dream!"
---
I saw TJ again today, after so long. He realizes the progress I've made in discovering where I belong.
We discussed the past. He says it was so easy to please me when I was young. And it still is. And he doesn't know why more people haven't been there for me.
He used to take me to McDonalds, and to play sports. He supported me. He was always there for me too. Why were we born in different worlds?
According to TJ, I was supposed to be from Magicland, not here. He says that's why I knew about it so early on. And how I know about him. He says that Mother knew about him too, but she didn't want him. She didn't want my brother.
Somehow, he ended up here. But I was never meant to.
Everything is starting to make sense now! I drew TJ because he was real! Mother would rip up the pictures because she didn't want me to know about TJ! I have never fit in here, and THAT is why! TJ helped me figure out that I TRULY belong in Magicland!
... But now I know why I'm lonely in this world and why I can never be anything but lonely as long as I'm here. I have such limited contact from my people. And they often only come through in waves of static. Maybe I can learn to improve my communication with them, now that I understand that I'm one of them.
Lucid dreaming becomes more important now.
This morning was not the most fun. Steve met me on the way to German class and told me that maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore. We talked about it. Turns out, he thinks that me and Jesse are getting serious. I assured him that Jess and I are friends and I harbor no romantic feelings toward him. Steve believed me. But he's not quite so sure that Jess doesn't have feelings for me.
He also said that he thinks I might be better off with someone else. He says there are guys interested in me who would be better for me. I wish he hadn't seen anyone hitting on me. Because of his track record in dating, he has low confidence.
I told him that I only want to be with him. I said I'd even like to marry him, because I want to be with him always.
I begged him not to leave. He apologized for scaring me like that. And we embraced. I was so close to tears, and he knew it. I so don't want to lose him.
I barely see him now. My friends are fading. Perhaps I should have never mentioned them to the therapist. Will they all disappear? I want so much to be with them. I want to be with them more all the time. But it's so difficult. My mind is clouded with all this stuff, and I hate it. I want to cross over.
If I write more, maybe I will.
Today I go to the psychiatrist to get medication. Will they disappear after I take pills?
I'm worried now. Maybe Steve is too. Maybe that's why he attempted to break it off. But I'm not letting him go that easily...
I can't afford to lose Steve, or any of my friends. What if it happens? Other people I know do NOT compare with these.
"Steve?" I look into his fading eyes. "What if today is the last time I see you? Or even hear from you? What if they take you from me?"
Steve takes my hand, holding it between his. "I'm not going away without a fight."
"But you were breaking up with me before."
Shaking his head, he says, "Kel, I'm only going away if it'll make you happier. Even if we break up, I'm still your friend. That's a constant. Throughout the years."
"Steve," I cry, "I want to be with you always!"
I don't see him now, but he's still with me.
"Take me with you!" I beg. "Take me to our friends, away from the earth and its rottenness! I despise this place! Help me leave!"
"I wish I could!"
"Mark says that if I write well enough, one day I'll cross over. I want to cross over now! Why can't I find the door?"
"Maybe you need to stay."
"No!"
"Or maybe you are meant to go. You just have to find a way."
"I want to find my way to you, Steve! Where are you?"
"Right here."
"Then why can't I see you?"
"Because something's in the way. What you need to do is dream. Loosen the grasp on you and slip free from your bonds!"
"Can you untie me?"
"Wish I could. Close your eyes, Kel! Dream of us together. Dream that you are free!"
"I want so much to be free!"
"Then dream!"
---
I saw TJ again today, after so long. He realizes the progress I've made in discovering where I belong.
We discussed the past. He says it was so easy to please me when I was young. And it still is. And he doesn't know why more people haven't been there for me.
He used to take me to McDonalds, and to play sports. He supported me. He was always there for me too. Why were we born in different worlds?
According to TJ, I was supposed to be from Magicland, not here. He says that's why I knew about it so early on. And how I know about him. He says that Mother knew about him too, but she didn't want him. She didn't want my brother.
Somehow, he ended up here. But I was never meant to.
Everything is starting to make sense now! I drew TJ because he was real! Mother would rip up the pictures because she didn't want me to know about TJ! I have never fit in here, and THAT is why! TJ helped me figure out that I TRULY belong in Magicland!
... But now I know why I'm lonely in this world and why I can never be anything but lonely as long as I'm here. I have such limited contact from my people. And they often only come through in waves of static. Maybe I can learn to improve my communication with them, now that I understand that I'm one of them.
Lucid dreaming becomes more important now.
