Thanks again for the great reviews. You are the best. Here's the next part, and the angst isn't over. g

Note: I've used an idea of Deb Nockels, she used in her fic "Without You". It deals with the events after "Graduation Day" and is a true B/A-romance. The sequel is called "A New Day". Go and read it, if you don't know it already. http://www.geocities.com/debnockels   I borrowed her idea that there's a part in Angel's original curse that multiplies his grief and pain. You'll see it when you read it.

Love's Gift – Part 13

By Jill

The atmosphere in Giles' living-room could only be described as gloom. Willow was sitting beside Oz on the sofa, fighting tears, while her boyfriend's expression wasn't as stoic as usual, and one of his hands was rubbing the redhead's still sour neck. Xander sat opposite to them, eyes cast at his lap, elbows resting on his knees, hands dangling between.  Jenny was trying to make herself useful by preparing tea and coffee and some snacks although she doubted anyone would want to eat.

They had arrived half an hour ago, Buffy and Xander carrying an unconscious Angel between them, and while Oz and Willow had informed Giles and Jenny about the events that had taken place in the factory that night, Xander and Buffy had managed to get Angel upstairs, where the Slayer had chained him to the watcher's bed. She was still upstairs with him, hadn't left his side ever since.

"Here."

Jenny's hesitant voice broke the silence, three pairs of startled eyes looking at her.

"I've made some sandwiches, and tea and coffee, if you want." She tried a smile, but failed miserably, and her hands shook badly when she placed cups and plates in front of the teenagers. Ever since Willow had revealed the name of the stranger they'd met in the factory, her world had turned upside down. Again.

"Thanks," Willow tried to smile, too, but wasn't any more successful. "I'm not hungry."

"Y-yes," Jenny nodded,. "I can understand, my stomach feel rather queasy, too."

"I'm sorry," the redhead said honestly, her voice full of compassion, "About Dario."

A frown appeared on Miss Calender's forehead, and she swallowed hard, trying desperately not to break down. "Thank you," she whispered.

"It's not your fault." Giles came down the stairs, his eyes on the dark-haired woman, whose face was as white as a sheet, and whose cheeks were freckled with nervous red spots.

"How is it?," Willow wanted to know, straightening on the sofa, grabbing Oz's hand for support.

The watcher sighed, rubbed the back of his neck. "Still the same. Angel is out to the world. And Buffy doesn't move from his side."

"So we still don't have a clue if he's still got his soul or not, right." Xander's voice was defeated. "I wonder how she can stand it?"

"Because she's incredibly strong, and because she doesn't have a choice," Giles replied, nodding gratefully at Jenny, when the computer teacher placed a cup of tea in his hand.

"Poor Buffy." Willow once again fought with tears, leaned her head against Oz's shoulder. "I wish we could do something."

"We can only wait." The watcher sipped from his tea, then looked at Jenny. "Stop beating yourself up over the fact that your cousin was involved into this."

"I can't," she whispered, swallowing hard. "I knew him all my life." He was my first lover, she thought. How am I going to deal with the fact that he became a vampire, for the only reason to bring back Angelus? The pain in her chest was almost suffocating her.  "I played with him. We knew each others secrets." She shook her head. "I cannot understand what happened. I know he was eaten up by hatred, but this…"

"We cannot know what goes on in another one's head," Giles said, reaching for her hand, glad when she didn't pull away. "It was his decision."

"He's right, you know," Oz gaze was thoughtful.

"Buffy beat him up pretty good to get him to talk," Xander said, staring into his coffee. "We would've brought him back here, but he mumbled something and disintegrated to dusk right before our eyes, together with his damned book. Man, that was creepy."

"He killed himself," Willow reached for her own cup. "I suppose his task was finished. He'd done what he wanted to do."

"But why bring back Angelus?," Jenny asked nobody in particular. "It's sick."

"He was a vampire," Giles said quietly, squeezing her hand. "Vampires don't act logical. We've always thought they were only creatures of instinct, but knowing what we do now, I'm not sure anymore. We will probably never know what drove him."

"I have to tell my people," Miss Calender glanced at the phone. "I cannot even think what this is going to do to them. They are very traditional people. The shame will kill them. To think that one of her clan went against all they are standing for …," she shook her head, then let out an unhappy laugh. "And I cannot believe I'm sorry for them after all they did."

"That's because you're a good person," the watcher's voice was warm. "You still love them. We don't stop loving a person only because we're disappointed. We might stop trusting them, but love," he smiled, his eyes locked with hers, "is a completely different matter."

She managed a wobbly smile, not daring to interpret the look in his eyes. She felt too shaky right now, and wasn't sure she'd be able to deal with another possible disappointment in case she was wrong. Slowly, she pulled her hand away. "Could I use your phone?"

"Take the one in the study," he offered, pointing at the door in the back, "You've got privacy there."

"I will," her smile was grateful, but still sad. "Thank you." Squeezing his hand again, she was gone.

*

Buffy couldn't stop touching him. She held Angel's hand, stroked his face, her fingers trailing over his handsome features, her thumb coming to rest on his lips, full, passionate, soft. She closed her eyes and could almost feel them on her own, could feel a slow dizziness at the thought, her stomach fluttering in response. She imagined his hands buried in her hair, while he whispered words of love to her between kisses.

Her eyes suddenly snapped open and she stifled a sob the very last moment. Blinking rapidly, she pulled her hand from his face, but still feeling the need for contact, she placed it on Angel's. His skin was cool, his dead body not producing any heat. She should have felt uncomfortable because of it, but didn't. His coolness, his body, his skin were so familiar to her. He'd been her only lover, and for a moment she wondered if she'd ever be able to be intimate with a normal human male. Would it feel weird, having warm hands touching her most private parts, the parts only her physician and Angel had seen?

Abruptly she turned her head towards the window, the first tear falling from her lashes, the idea of another man touching her too painful to be contemplated any further. Because it would mean Angel was gone, and she wasn't ready to deal with it. Not yet, maybe not ever.

She heard a noise from the doorway and quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks, then turned her head to see who'd come upstairs. "Hi," she greeted her watcher. He was standing just inside the room, looking at her intently, his eyes holding compassion and concern.

"How is he?," he asked, his gaze travelling to Angel, whose still form was lying on the bed, arms and legs securely chained to the posts.

She shrugged, "The same. He hasn't moved. How … how are the others?," she asked, changing the subject, "Is Willow okay?"

"I think her neck is still a bit sour. But she's going to be alright. You don't have to worry, Buffy." He gave her a smile, his voice gentle. He walked to the bed and sat down at Angel's other side. "I have to admit, I never saw an unconscious vampire before. It's … strange. He seems dead and yet …," he trailed off, giving her an apologetic look. "Sorry, I didn't want to…"

She held up a hand, "It's okay, Giles. Yes, he looks dead, but he isn't dust, so I think it's a safe bet he's not." She frowned suddenly, grimaced, "Well, he is dead of course, and not in a really creepy sort of way. It's strange, you know. I never saw him as a dead corpse. For me he was just Angel. A vampire, yeah, but somehow … not."

"I know," he replied, his eyes warm, understanding. "For you he was a man."

"Yeah," she nodded, her messy ponytail bobbing up and down. "I … uhm … I'm sorry we came here, Giles," she said then, biting her lower lip. "But I could hardly bring him home. Mom isn't there, but … She might come tomorrow and we still don't know," she gestured at Angel, "I mean, we cannot know if … I mean, how long … and she might be back then-"

"There's no need to apologize," Giles interrupted her gently. "Your mother doesn't know anything about your secret identity. And I can only guess how shocked she would be to find Angel, a vampire, in your bed. No, you did the right thing."

"Thanks," she exhaled a pent up breath, managed to give him a grateful smile, then finally asked the question, she'd been asking herself ever since she'd seen him, eyes closed, unconscious, at the factory. "What do you think, Giles," she asked, glad her voice was only shaking slightly, "Is he still Angel?"

He looked at her for a moment before answering, "I honestly don't know. I wish I … had a way to find out, but unfortunately," he shook his head sadly. "All we can do is wait."

"And then?," she asked, new tears gathering in her eyes. She didn't want to face it, but she knew she had to. The problem was she wasn't sure she could do it. The idea of once again seeing those empty, bottomless pools in the face of her lover, was like a fist clenching around her heart. It was suddenly hard to breathe. But she managed to shake it off, reminded herself she'd endured it once, and she could do it again. She'd be strong. And there was still the curse Jenny had translated. They could use it and curse him again, couldn't they?

As if sensing her thoughts, Giles's face became very serious, "Do you really want that?," he asked, startling her with his insight. "Do you want him back at any cost?"

Did she? She asked herself. "I …," she paused, trying to find words for her feelings, but failing. She lifted her shoulders in a helpless gesture, feeling suddenly helpless and very tired. "I couldn't stand it," she admitted finally. "I couldn't stand facing the demon again. Not forever, I mean. I know that he might wake up, being Angelus, but I cannot go through it for weeks. Not again."

"I understand," he replied, his voice grave, "And I would never expect it from you. I know you tried to put up a good front, but don't think we didn't see what the last weeks did to you. Besides, it would be completely irresponsible to let his soulless self roam the earth again."

"Do you think  it is wrong to want him back?," she asked, looking out of the window, to the sky, as if talking to a higher power, wishing them to answer. She was a warrior for the good cause, didn't that mean she was at least entitled to have the one thing she wished most, she wondered? "I know he would want it, too. He wouldn't want to be a vampire, doing evil, killing people. I know how much pain he feels every day, I see it in his eyes. He tries to hide it, but sometimes, when we are close, and he lets his guard down, I can see it. I couldn't do it to him. Even knowing he might leave me, because of the clause in his curse, it's better than being a demon again. Just a demon, without a soul."

"And you really think," Giles asked, looking at her back, "he wants to live like that? Never at peace, losing the woman he loves, haunted by the images of his victims, the blood, the pain? None of us know what memories he carries with him, but I think they're worse than anything we can imagine. You've read his curse, Buffy. Do you want to inflict it on him. Do you really?" When she didn't answer, he pushed on, "You've seen the part in his curse where it speaks about feeling pain and grief tenfold. They wanted him to suffer, really suffer. And he has. We don't have the slightest idea what he went through."

"But he already regained his soul," Buffy argued, her gaze on Angel's face, "That night in my bedroom."

"Yes," he agreed, "he did. But it just happened. We didn't do anything. We still don't know why it happened, but it did. Maybe it was the same curse, maybe it was something completely different. We don't know it. But if he wakes up without his soul, and if we're cursing him again, we would have to use his original curse. It's the only thing we have. Willow and Jenny found some things on the net, but I'm afraid, it's not enough to create a different curse or anything. Besides the fact that we don't even know if we can re-curse him at all," he paused for a moment, then went on, "We have to decide if it's the right thing to do."

Her head snapped around at that, her eyes were huge, confused, "What do you mean the right thing to do?," she asked, a frown on her forehead, "It's the only thing we can do. If he wakes up a demon, we will curse him. There isn't another way. I will not let him be a demon. Not ever. You said yourself it was irresponsible." She looked at her watcher, saw the expression in his eyes, sad, grave. She tried to ignore what she was reading there, tried to block out what an inner voice had whispered in her head ever since she'd chained Angel to Giles' bed. "No," she whispered, her voice cracking. "No."

She didn't want to hear Giles' voice, didn't want to hear his reason, but he spoke nevertheless, "I know," he said, reaching for her hand, enveloping it in his big one. "And I know this will be the hardest decision you've ever made. But you are the Slayer, and, more importantly, you are the woman who loves him, the woman he loves. You have to decide, Buffy. Nobody can do it for you. I wish to God I could, but I can't. If you … should … decide to …," he paused, cleared his throat, "I can do it. I mean, you don't have to…"

Buffy swallowed, feeling numb, like some part of her was dying deep inside. How could he expect her to even contemplate such a horrible thing? She looked at Angel, his face beautiful, so familiar. She reached out with her free hand, again touching his cheeks, his brows, his nose, his lips. "Our last words were spoken in anger," she whispered.  "I told him I could live without him, that I didn't mind him leaving."

"I'm sure he knew you didn't mean it," Giles said softly, squeezing her hand.

A sob tore from her throat, and she turned her hand in his, squeezing it back. "You really think so? That he knew? I … I should have told him," she said, running her fingers through his hair, "that I loved him. I love him so much, Giles."

"Yes, I know. And he knew. I'm absolutely sure of that." Pulling his hand away, he stood up from the bed, looking at his Slayer and the vampire, feeling such terrible sadness, and such impotent rage, he was trembling with it. "I'm going to leave you two on your own for a while. You need to think." He walked to the door, paused, "I'm very sorry, Buffy. I wish I could help."

"I know, Giles," she said without looking at him. "And you do. Don't feel bad."

He nodded, even if she couldn't see it, "See you later," he said. He wanted to say more, but he knew there was nothing he could say or do to ease her pain. He was about to leave, when her voice stopped him cold.

"I will do it," she said, and there was steel in her voice, "If … I should decide to … I will do it."

"Buffy-"

"I owe him, Giles. Thanks for offering to do it, but he trusted me, and I owe him. If it should come to it, it will be me."

He saw her tears fall, saw her trembling fingers move over Angel's face, but he also saw the determined set of her jaw, and knew the decision had been made. "If that's what you want."

"It's what I have to do." She turned around, and for a moment he wished she hadn't. Never in his life he would forget the utter despair in her eyes. He saw her trying to cover it, and failing. "What I want…," her voice was suddenly hollow, hopeless, "Nobody ever asked me what I want. But I suppose that's life, huh?"

"Yeah," he confirmed, then turned and left, his heart heavy.

Buffy looked at the now empty doorway, feeling her soul dying inside of her at the thought what she might have to do soon.

She never noticed that Angel had opened his eyes.

… to be continued

I know again with the angst and another cliffhanger, but I couldn't help it. Thanks for reading it and remember reviews or feedback (Connemara.Scarlets@t-online.de) would make me madly happy and write faster!