**please note - I do not own Bob Vila... I wouldn't want to, either, so
put your phone down, BOB! The opinions expressed by.. oh hell, who am I kidding?
'Bob Vila is a whore' is my battle cry, or something, and shouldn't be taken
seriously.. I should never be taken seriously.**
-The scene unfolds at a dull-looking construction site. There are no
workers present, because of poor weather... -
--A lone figure stands in the distance. The phillips screwdriver nestled
in his toolbelt gives off a faint light, reflecting the currents from the
electrical storm above--
Man (sighing): ... Three weeks to completion... Where is this project headed?
--The man turns to head towards his car when he is blown backward by a
forceful clap of electricity, far too close to the ground... and his-self.
Even more disturbing is the humanoid mass emerging from the smoke.--
Mass: HARRO!!!
Man (shocked):...
Mass:..ok, well.. I'm Fox. And you are?
Man: ..Bob Vila.
Fox: .. Bob Vila? Pfft. Just my luck.
Bob Vila: What do you mean by that? Plenty of people would be *thrilled* to
meet me!
Fox: Yeah, your johns. You're a fucking WHORE, dude!
Bob Vila: *gasp*.. Excuse me!? w..-whore? Who do you think you are addressing, Missy!?
Fox:.. I'm Fox, not Missy. And I believe I'm addressing Bob Vila, who is a whore.
Bob Vila: You're too young for this kind of language! I demand an apology.
Fox: Shove it up your ass, Bober-
Bob Vila: I should call your mother, you little fiend!
Fox: .. You interrupted me.
Bob Vila: I did not!
Fox: Yes you d-
Bob Vila: I DID NOT!
Fox:... Just like TV.
-Before another word could be spoken, the storm seemed to engulf the area! What
will our heroes do!?..err..sorry, anyway.. right-
Bob Vila:.. Come on! We've got to get out of here!
Fox:.. Sure do, Bob-o.
Bob Vila: .. To the Vila-Truck! *swirl-out*
Fox:... to the 'vila-truck', indeed.
-Bob Vila, the Whore and Fox sit in the.. 'Vila-Truck' *snicker*-
Bob Vila:... I'm not sure we can make it out of this storm.
Fox: Not in this sucker, no.
Bob Vila:... you know how to get out?
Fox: Sure. We're going to take the long route.
Bob Vila: What's the long route?
Fox: Through the fourth dimension.
Bob Vila: ahh..o-..what?
Fox: The fourth dimension.
Bob Vila (nodding): Ok, is that some sort of nicknamed place you kids go to, now?
Fox: .. No, it's the fourth dimension. As in, presently, we reside in the third, and
we're going... to the fourth.
Bob Vila: I thought our world was constructed of three perceivable dimensions?
Fox: Dude that's about perception, this is about *existance*... it's much deeper.
Bob Vila: Deeper..
Fox: *snort*.. look, man.. you either dig it, or you don't. I'm not going to get preachy
on you, but.. You have to open your mind. Expand your horizons.. and your vertices..
Bob Vila:... vertices.
--Fox opens up a can of barqs, the liquid sprays everywhere and suddenly all are
given a feeling of intense displacement--
Governer Jeb Bush of Florida: I am running for governer not because I am
George and Barbara Bush's son. I am running because I am George P. and Noelle
and Jeb's father.
Governer George W. Bush of Texas: I am not running for governer because I am
George Bush's son. I am running because I am Jenna and Barbara's father.
Fox:...sorry, (she takes a sip) wrong beverage.
--Fox opens a can of Fresca, the liquid sprays everywhere and suddenly all
that can be heard is an Almond Joy & Mounds commercial from 1986.--
Fox: Weeeeeeeee're HERE!
Bob Vila:.. Wow.
Fox: Yeah.. 'wow'.
Bob Vila: This is pretty... swell.
Fox:.. Swell.
Bob Vila:... does the music ever stop?
Fox: Nope.
Bob Vila: .. I want to go home.
Fox: This way, first.
--Fox goes left--
Bob Vila: You don't have any legs.
Fox: Nope.
Bob Vila: Why?
Fox: ...(rolling her eyes), Dude.. This is the fourth dimension. We exist as
pure energy. Hence while the narrator 'me' from the third dimension indicates
that I go left.. there is no left.
Bob Vila: How can there be no left when you clearly went left?
Fox: There is no left.
Bob Vila: But you went left.
Fox: Left does not exist. Left is a *third-dimension* concept that was invented to
herd all sentient life-forms into right-ism.
Bob Vila: Right..-ism?
Fox: Yeah.. you know- going right. But there is no left here, and consequently.. there
is no right.
Bob Vila: So what way do we go?
Fox: (chuckling).. *this* way.
--Fox and Bob Vila come across a non-sentient, non-physical, non-elemental existance.
It is pure energy and can't be defined... but it *feels* like a tree.--
Bob Vila: Can we rest here?
Fox: No.
Bob Vila: Why?
Fox: Physics says that a body in motion will remain in motion, and a body at
rest will remain at rest.
Bob Vila: And you mean to say that left and right don't exist here, yet physics does?
Fox: Yep.
Bob Vila: You mean Physics isn't some third-dimension, Communist ploy to get everything
to move?
Fox:... You have something against Communism?
Bob Vila:...umm.... no, of course not. So.. anyway, why can't we stop?
Fox: I just told you. If you stop right now your esscense will divide itself and you'll
become just another piece of non-sentient, non-physical, non-elemental furniture for the
fourth dimension.
Bob Vila: ..Can you sit on something that's non-sentient, non-physical, and non-elemental?
Fox: I don't know.. does it *feel* solid?
Bob Vila:... Get me out of this place. Now.
-Meanwhile, back in the third dimension. Third dimension 'me' is having trouble thinking of
a way to move in a direction that could be perceived as 'forward' with this dialogue.-
--Fox ponders--
Bob Vila: .. well?
Fox: Well what?
Bob Vila: Aren't you going to open a can of something and get us back home!?
Fox:.. (breaking out in a purely energetic smile) I can't do that, Silly Bob!
Bob Vila: .. WHY NOT!!!??
Fox: Aww.. calm down. I can't do that because this is the fourth dimension, there are
no cans of anything. Remember? Pure energy. Soda Cans are physical as well as elemental.
Bob Vila: And human beings are NOT!?
Fox: We're only defined as 'human' in the third dimension, Bob. Just think about it..
A Soda can isn't sentient or energetic.
Bob Vila: How do *YOU* know?
Fox: Simple.. they have never made the cross from third to fourth dimension. Someday in
what could be perceived as.. 'future'.. they may.
Bob Vila (..doing something that could be perceived as 'fuming'): SO HOW DO WE GET OUT OF HERE!?
Fox (perceivably tranquil): We keep moving towards the 'Door'.
Bob Vila: You have *doors* here?
Fox: No, no, no. Just one Door. And not in the sense that you think.
Bob Vila: I don't think anymore.
--Fox and Bob Vila.. 'travel' towards the 'Door'--
The Door: Hey, hey, hey!
Fox: YES!
Bob Vila:... Jim Morrison?
Fox: Duh, Bob.
Bob Vila: ..so.. he's not dead?
The Door: Nope. I just hopped dimensions, man. You know.. couldn't take being
physical anymore.
Bob Vila:..(backing away slightly) I totally understand.
Fox: So, Jimmeh.. Bob Vila and I would like to return to the third dimension.
The Door: Yeah, I can *perceive* that.
Bob Vila: GREAT! Let's go!
The Door: ..'go'?
Fox (nudging The Door): ...oh. um, he means.. ya know.. hop.
The Door: oooh.. ok, ok.. Well. You can't go the regular way.
Fox: ahhh, crap. It happened again?
The Door: Yep. I swear.. one God Complex breaks through and the ENTIRE
system goes to sleep.. The panic needs to stop, we're all energy, man. Can't
we co-exist?
Fox: yes.. yes we can. Do you know the best route?
The Door: Sure... You'll have to go through the Third Dimension.
Bob Vila:.. but.. we want to go to the third dimension anyway!
Fox: No, Bob.. that's the third dimension. We'll be going through the Third Dimension.
Bob Vila: And what *exactly* is the difference?
Fox: .. Capital letters.
Bob Vila: Oh.
Fox: And that Elvis never died.
Bob Vila: ...great.
Fox: In fact, he enjoyed a glorious comback in 1992 - He contributed a piece to the soundtrack
for Three Ninjas.
Bob Vila:... Those movies are crap.
Fox: So was Flubber.
Bob Vila: I get your point.
Fox:.. really? I didn't.
Bob Vila: oook, so how about this Third Dimension?
The Door: Well.. You go there.
Bob Vila:.....
Fox: Alright, Bob.. Lemme run this by you *one* more time. Ok?
Bob Vila: Ok.
Fox: In order to escape an icky electrical storm in the third dimension, I took
you through a CFV into the fourth dimension.
Bob Vila: ...What's a CFV?
Fox: That's a Carbonic Fluctuation Vortex.
Bob Vila: A what?
Fox: A Soda Portal, basically.
Bob Vila:...ah.
Fox: So, anyway.. The fourth dimension is where we are right now. The second
gate into the third dimension, which happens to be in Quebec, is shut down due to a
God Complex. So..... we're going through the Third Dimension.
Bob Vila: There's a portal from the Third Dimension to the third dimension?
Fox: Yep.
Bob Vila: Will there be any God Complexes in the Third Dimension?
Fox: Goodness, yes.
Bob Vila: Isn't that a problem?
Fox: Of course not. Minor God Complexes are truly only disruptive to the order
of dimensions in the fourth dimension.
Bob Vila: Why is that?
Fox: .. Do I *really* need to explain this to you? This is a plane of existance
like no other.. well.. it's sorta like the Orange Dimension, but that's another
trip.. like.. a *whole* 'nother trip, my man.
Bob Vila: Right. (Bob Vila rolls his eyes at Fox)
Fox: So.. to the Third Dimension!
Bob Vila:... which way?
Fox: Left.
Bob Vila:........You--ju...
Fox: Chill, Bob.. it was a joke.
--Fox energetically shifts into the Third Dimension--
-Bob Vila and Fox come into consciousness staring at what appears to be the
ocean... from beneath the surface-
Fox: *cringe-shudder*
Bob Vila: Where the hell are we???
Fox: .. Sea World.
Bob Vila:... It's beautiful.
Fox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. Whatever.. (Fox turns to the nearest Sea World Employee)
GET ME OUT OF HERE!!
Sea World Employee: What.. and end the dialogue?
Fox: *YES!*
Sea World Employee: But then no one will know how Bob Vila never returned to the
third dimension, and instead teamed up with Third Dimension Bob Vila and started a
new construction show, which failed...
Fox: I'm aware.
Sea World Employee: Or how after that, he turned to alcohol and died miserable and
penniless in Oregon.
Fox: I knew that, too.
Sea World Employee:..oh.. Why Oregon?
Fox: It sounds vaguely like "organ", and thus it amuses me.
Sea World Employee:.. Not a very refined creature, are we?
Fox: What would you know about being 'refined'?
Sea World Employee: Not much.
Fox: Then quit trying to insult me!
Sea World Employee: Lady, you're writing my part! How can I *not* try to insult you
when you control my every move and my very existance?
Fox: That's not me.
Sea World Employee: Then WHO is it?
Fox: third dimension Fox.
Sea World Employee: And you are?
Fox: ...confused?
Sea World Employee: I bet you are. Here - Have an Orange Crush.
Fox: BINGO!
--Fox opens up a can of Orange Crush, the liquid sprays everywhere and suddenly all are
directed to hit the 'back' button on their browsers and get the hell out of here--
put your phone down, BOB! The opinions expressed by.. oh hell, who am I kidding?
'Bob Vila is a whore' is my battle cry, or something, and shouldn't be taken
seriously.. I should never be taken seriously.**
-The scene unfolds at a dull-looking construction site. There are no
workers present, because of poor weather... -
--A lone figure stands in the distance. The phillips screwdriver nestled
in his toolbelt gives off a faint light, reflecting the currents from the
electrical storm above--
Man (sighing): ... Three weeks to completion... Where is this project headed?
--The man turns to head towards his car when he is blown backward by a
forceful clap of electricity, far too close to the ground... and his-self.
Even more disturbing is the humanoid mass emerging from the smoke.--
Mass: HARRO!!!
Man (shocked):...
Mass:..ok, well.. I'm Fox. And you are?
Man: ..Bob Vila.
Fox: .. Bob Vila? Pfft. Just my luck.
Bob Vila: What do you mean by that? Plenty of people would be *thrilled* to
meet me!
Fox: Yeah, your johns. You're a fucking WHORE, dude!
Bob Vila: *gasp*.. Excuse me!? w..-whore? Who do you think you are addressing, Missy!?
Fox:.. I'm Fox, not Missy. And I believe I'm addressing Bob Vila, who is a whore.
Bob Vila: You're too young for this kind of language! I demand an apology.
Fox: Shove it up your ass, Bober-
Bob Vila: I should call your mother, you little fiend!
Fox: .. You interrupted me.
Bob Vila: I did not!
Fox: Yes you d-
Bob Vila: I DID NOT!
Fox:... Just like TV.
-Before another word could be spoken, the storm seemed to engulf the area! What
will our heroes do!?..err..sorry, anyway.. right-
Bob Vila:.. Come on! We've got to get out of here!
Fox:.. Sure do, Bob-o.
Bob Vila: .. To the Vila-Truck! *swirl-out*
Fox:... to the 'vila-truck', indeed.
-Bob Vila, the Whore and Fox sit in the.. 'Vila-Truck' *snicker*-
Bob Vila:... I'm not sure we can make it out of this storm.
Fox: Not in this sucker, no.
Bob Vila:... you know how to get out?
Fox: Sure. We're going to take the long route.
Bob Vila: What's the long route?
Fox: Through the fourth dimension.
Bob Vila: ahh..o-..what?
Fox: The fourth dimension.
Bob Vila (nodding): Ok, is that some sort of nicknamed place you kids go to, now?
Fox: .. No, it's the fourth dimension. As in, presently, we reside in the third, and
we're going... to the fourth.
Bob Vila: I thought our world was constructed of three perceivable dimensions?
Fox: Dude that's about perception, this is about *existance*... it's much deeper.
Bob Vila: Deeper..
Fox: *snort*.. look, man.. you either dig it, or you don't. I'm not going to get preachy
on you, but.. You have to open your mind. Expand your horizons.. and your vertices..
Bob Vila:... vertices.
--Fox opens up a can of barqs, the liquid sprays everywhere and suddenly all are
given a feeling of intense displacement--
Governer Jeb Bush of Florida: I am running for governer not because I am
George and Barbara Bush's son. I am running because I am George P. and Noelle
and Jeb's father.
Governer George W. Bush of Texas: I am not running for governer because I am
George Bush's son. I am running because I am Jenna and Barbara's father.
Fox:...sorry, (she takes a sip) wrong beverage.
--Fox opens a can of Fresca, the liquid sprays everywhere and suddenly all
that can be heard is an Almond Joy & Mounds commercial from 1986.--
Fox: Weeeeeeeee're HERE!
Bob Vila:.. Wow.
Fox: Yeah.. 'wow'.
Bob Vila: This is pretty... swell.
Fox:.. Swell.
Bob Vila:... does the music ever stop?
Fox: Nope.
Bob Vila: .. I want to go home.
Fox: This way, first.
--Fox goes left--
Bob Vila: You don't have any legs.
Fox: Nope.
Bob Vila: Why?
Fox: ...(rolling her eyes), Dude.. This is the fourth dimension. We exist as
pure energy. Hence while the narrator 'me' from the third dimension indicates
that I go left.. there is no left.
Bob Vila: How can there be no left when you clearly went left?
Fox: There is no left.
Bob Vila: But you went left.
Fox: Left does not exist. Left is a *third-dimension* concept that was invented to
herd all sentient life-forms into right-ism.
Bob Vila: Right..-ism?
Fox: Yeah.. you know- going right. But there is no left here, and consequently.. there
is no right.
Bob Vila: So what way do we go?
Fox: (chuckling).. *this* way.
--Fox and Bob Vila come across a non-sentient, non-physical, non-elemental existance.
It is pure energy and can't be defined... but it *feels* like a tree.--
Bob Vila: Can we rest here?
Fox: No.
Bob Vila: Why?
Fox: Physics says that a body in motion will remain in motion, and a body at
rest will remain at rest.
Bob Vila: And you mean to say that left and right don't exist here, yet physics does?
Fox: Yep.
Bob Vila: You mean Physics isn't some third-dimension, Communist ploy to get everything
to move?
Fox:... You have something against Communism?
Bob Vila:...umm.... no, of course not. So.. anyway, why can't we stop?
Fox: I just told you. If you stop right now your esscense will divide itself and you'll
become just another piece of non-sentient, non-physical, non-elemental furniture for the
fourth dimension.
Bob Vila: ..Can you sit on something that's non-sentient, non-physical, and non-elemental?
Fox: I don't know.. does it *feel* solid?
Bob Vila:... Get me out of this place. Now.
-Meanwhile, back in the third dimension. Third dimension 'me' is having trouble thinking of
a way to move in a direction that could be perceived as 'forward' with this dialogue.-
--Fox ponders--
Bob Vila: .. well?
Fox: Well what?
Bob Vila: Aren't you going to open a can of something and get us back home!?
Fox:.. (breaking out in a purely energetic smile) I can't do that, Silly Bob!
Bob Vila: .. WHY NOT!!!??
Fox: Aww.. calm down. I can't do that because this is the fourth dimension, there are
no cans of anything. Remember? Pure energy. Soda Cans are physical as well as elemental.
Bob Vila: And human beings are NOT!?
Fox: We're only defined as 'human' in the third dimension, Bob. Just think about it..
A Soda can isn't sentient or energetic.
Bob Vila: How do *YOU* know?
Fox: Simple.. they have never made the cross from third to fourth dimension. Someday in
what could be perceived as.. 'future'.. they may.
Bob Vila (..doing something that could be perceived as 'fuming'): SO HOW DO WE GET OUT OF HERE!?
Fox (perceivably tranquil): We keep moving towards the 'Door'.
Bob Vila: You have *doors* here?
Fox: No, no, no. Just one Door. And not in the sense that you think.
Bob Vila: I don't think anymore.
--Fox and Bob Vila.. 'travel' towards the 'Door'--
The Door: Hey, hey, hey!
Fox: YES!
Bob Vila:... Jim Morrison?
Fox: Duh, Bob.
Bob Vila: ..so.. he's not dead?
The Door: Nope. I just hopped dimensions, man. You know.. couldn't take being
physical anymore.
Bob Vila:..(backing away slightly) I totally understand.
Fox: So, Jimmeh.. Bob Vila and I would like to return to the third dimension.
The Door: Yeah, I can *perceive* that.
Bob Vila: GREAT! Let's go!
The Door: ..'go'?
Fox (nudging The Door): ...oh. um, he means.. ya know.. hop.
The Door: oooh.. ok, ok.. Well. You can't go the regular way.
Fox: ahhh, crap. It happened again?
The Door: Yep. I swear.. one God Complex breaks through and the ENTIRE
system goes to sleep.. The panic needs to stop, we're all energy, man. Can't
we co-exist?
Fox: yes.. yes we can. Do you know the best route?
The Door: Sure... You'll have to go through the Third Dimension.
Bob Vila:.. but.. we want to go to the third dimension anyway!
Fox: No, Bob.. that's the third dimension. We'll be going through the Third Dimension.
Bob Vila: And what *exactly* is the difference?
Fox: .. Capital letters.
Bob Vila: Oh.
Fox: And that Elvis never died.
Bob Vila: ...great.
Fox: In fact, he enjoyed a glorious comback in 1992 - He contributed a piece to the soundtrack
for Three Ninjas.
Bob Vila:... Those movies are crap.
Fox: So was Flubber.
Bob Vila: I get your point.
Fox:.. really? I didn't.
Bob Vila: oook, so how about this Third Dimension?
The Door: Well.. You go there.
Bob Vila:.....
Fox: Alright, Bob.. Lemme run this by you *one* more time. Ok?
Bob Vila: Ok.
Fox: In order to escape an icky electrical storm in the third dimension, I took
you through a CFV into the fourth dimension.
Bob Vila: ...What's a CFV?
Fox: That's a Carbonic Fluctuation Vortex.
Bob Vila: A what?
Fox: A Soda Portal, basically.
Bob Vila:...ah.
Fox: So, anyway.. The fourth dimension is where we are right now. The second
gate into the third dimension, which happens to be in Quebec, is shut down due to a
God Complex. So..... we're going through the Third Dimension.
Bob Vila: There's a portal from the Third Dimension to the third dimension?
Fox: Yep.
Bob Vila: Will there be any God Complexes in the Third Dimension?
Fox: Goodness, yes.
Bob Vila: Isn't that a problem?
Fox: Of course not. Minor God Complexes are truly only disruptive to the order
of dimensions in the fourth dimension.
Bob Vila: Why is that?
Fox: .. Do I *really* need to explain this to you? This is a plane of existance
like no other.. well.. it's sorta like the Orange Dimension, but that's another
trip.. like.. a *whole* 'nother trip, my man.
Bob Vila: Right. (Bob Vila rolls his eyes at Fox)
Fox: So.. to the Third Dimension!
Bob Vila:... which way?
Fox: Left.
Bob Vila:........You--ju...
Fox: Chill, Bob.. it was a joke.
--Fox energetically shifts into the Third Dimension--
-Bob Vila and Fox come into consciousness staring at what appears to be the
ocean... from beneath the surface-
Fox: *cringe-shudder*
Bob Vila: Where the hell are we???
Fox: .. Sea World.
Bob Vila:... It's beautiful.
Fox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. Whatever.. (Fox turns to the nearest Sea World Employee)
GET ME OUT OF HERE!!
Sea World Employee: What.. and end the dialogue?
Fox: *YES!*
Sea World Employee: But then no one will know how Bob Vila never returned to the
third dimension, and instead teamed up with Third Dimension Bob Vila and started a
new construction show, which failed...
Fox: I'm aware.
Sea World Employee: Or how after that, he turned to alcohol and died miserable and
penniless in Oregon.
Fox: I knew that, too.
Sea World Employee:..oh.. Why Oregon?
Fox: It sounds vaguely like "organ", and thus it amuses me.
Sea World Employee:.. Not a very refined creature, are we?
Fox: What would you know about being 'refined'?
Sea World Employee: Not much.
Fox: Then quit trying to insult me!
Sea World Employee: Lady, you're writing my part! How can I *not* try to insult you
when you control my every move and my very existance?
Fox: That's not me.
Sea World Employee: Then WHO is it?
Fox: third dimension Fox.
Sea World Employee: And you are?
Fox: ...confused?
Sea World Employee: I bet you are. Here - Have an Orange Crush.
Fox: BINGO!
--Fox opens up a can of Orange Crush, the liquid sprays everywhere and suddenly all are
directed to hit the 'back' button on their browsers and get the hell out of here--