Trapped. It's a feeling you have when you're stuck and there's nothing you can do about it. When you're in the middle of something and there's no way out. That's my life for you. Seventeen years condensed into one simple word. The longing to be a child again and not aware of the chaos around me doesn't really cross my mind anymore. That left the moment I hit high school.
Now I just wait for the day I'm out of high. But then again, I don't look forward to college. Right now most people I know have turned in applications, gotten accepted and already are having the joys of senioritis. Unfortunately, I feel those effects now and I have yet to send in even one. Freedom, that's what I look forward too. I can't wait for the day when I'm on my own, when I don't need permission to go out with my friends. To be out of the house making it out in the world, or being in my room, finally the way I like it, mine. Sleeping in to twelve and staying up to three sounds like more fun than freedom. And the naivete of my parents when I tell them I'm going to a simple little party at my friends house, where really we're all getting drunk and having fun while his/her parents are out of town.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. No one ever knows how his or her life will turn out. One minute you could be an average everyday teenager without a care and the next minute carrying the entire world on your shoulders...
1997
It's over, everything, finally. I'm on my own now, living with my friends. But I'm not a normal teenager now. I got everything I had hoped for in life so far. I'm with my friends, I have my freedom, but that everyday sense of joy is gone now. I don't look forward to the morning anymore. I'm afraid that when I wake up, that there'll be another battle to be fought and more lives to be lost. We came so close to losing Ryo when he became one with Talpa, and we lost Anubis, along with hundreds of victims never found. But I know that if I didn't do my part, it could've been worse. I'm not the fighting type, I wouldn't call myself weak, but I prefer the simple joys of life. The others, they spend so much time training and getting ready, maybe if I worked more I could be stronger. But college calls, I promised mother I would do well in school and keep my studies before everything else.
I'm much more content to read my books and keep to myself, drifting in and out of my own little world that nobody would understand but me. It relieves me of all my worries and troubles, letting me see how maybe my life could've been if I were that person I was reading about. Maybe I could've been a great explorer, or nuclear physicist, or whatever else I wanted to be. I still have my whole life ahead of me. But forever there will be that everlasting pang that I feel inside when I realize I have more to live for now, that I have to protect the world. Other than my friends, no one else knows what that feels like. I don't know if they think about it as much as me, I'm just that type of person.
1998
How tragic is the loss of a life when that person is still living? I know that may sound ironic, but it's true. About a month ago, he finally lost it. Ryo went off the deep end, so to say. With him being our leader he felt all the added guilt we never knew about. Ryo kept everything bottled up inside, he wouldn't even tell Mia. This whole Ryo thing has her all depressed too, she stays in her room all the time now. Ryo had said he felt dead inside that he couldn't feel anymore. Then, he took his life. In his letter, he had written, "It is easier to die knowing one is already so dead inside, that the outside wouldn't have to wait long before it became as corrupt."
When someone leaves you, it leaves emptiness inside, everyone tries to find someway to fill that void, but usually with no success. The others all took it different ways, no one talked much for a while. School no longer feels like my priority, even though I have no other obligations in my life. Now I just sit around, watching other people's lives, seeing their joy and their sadness. I wonder sometimes, if they feel the way I do, lost, lost in a world I no longer want. Then I look up, I wonder if there is anything up there I could be a part of. Another world or time, where everything is the way I want it to be. I know that doesn't really exist but a guy can dream, can't he?
1999
I laugh at education, I laugh at the world, my parents, my friends, and everything else that I can't stand anymore. School sucks, like I haven't known that for a while. I stopped going, I took up wandering from place to place. I failed a couple courses, my mother wasn't too happy with that. She called me and told me maybe I would do better if I came and lived with her again, that I just need some help. I told her I didn't need to be home, I was better off where I was at the moment. Alone, a feeling I haven't had in awhile. A couple of the guys left, I forget, a couple make half of us now. We haven't found someone worthy enough for Ryo's armor. Mia was depressed for a long time, she finally started going to a psychiatrist and she's on some anti-depressant now. I spend even more time looking up now, wondering what's out there for me, and then deciding I don't want it anymore. Nothing here pleases me, I come and go as I please. Sometimes I'll leave for days, just wanting my
space.
I've become a little withdrawn, more than I usually am. The others, they keep trying to make me talk, they don't get that I don't want to. I'm happy in my own little shell. I envy turtles sometimes, when they have a problem, they can pull themselves into their shells and stay there. Or even birds, they can fly high into the air watching the world go by, and neither of them have parents or school. Turtles are abandoned as soon as the mother is done with the eggs. And birds, as soon as they can fly, they're free to move about as they please. Settling down is something I never believed in either. I've had girlfriends, my last one lasted over ten months, but as soon as I became distant we kinda lost it and separated. I've gotten to the point I don't know why I even bother writing this stuff down anymore. Every year when I read it I just get more depressed than before. It's like watching my life move downhill at a slow speed. Maybe I'll just throw this out or burn it, it's really
not helping me much.
2000
Cye closed the book, the other four that had been sitting there didn't know what to say. "He didn't get the chance to write anything this year I guess," he said. "If he had only told us what was wrong we could've helped him, he just wouldn't open up. I wish we had found this sooner, now there's nothing we can do," Sage said solemnly. "Look how everything's falling apart, ever since we lost Ryo, we've become separated, we've all grown apart," Mia said quietly. "C'mon, we're gonna be late if we don't hurry up," Kento said getting everyone out of their daze.
Everyone piled into the car and headed to the Cemetery for the service. It was raining, bringing a damper on everyone. At the end everyone got into the car. Mia had lingered to place a couple roses on Ryo's grave that was a short distance away. Sage stood with a white rose in hand as he stood in front of the grave. He placed the flower on the freshly churned dirt. "We'll, I guess you don't have to look up anymore. Now you can look down with Ryo. I know that's where you are buddy, and hopefully we'll all be together again, just not real soon. You taught us all something today, to just enjoy every moment and not try to find someplace to shelter us from what's to come. I'll miss you, you were and still are my greatest friend in the world. Sayonara, Ro-chan."
Now I just wait for the day I'm out of high. But then again, I don't look forward to college. Right now most people I know have turned in applications, gotten accepted and already are having the joys of senioritis. Unfortunately, I feel those effects now and I have yet to send in even one. Freedom, that's what I look forward too. I can't wait for the day when I'm on my own, when I don't need permission to go out with my friends. To be out of the house making it out in the world, or being in my room, finally the way I like it, mine. Sleeping in to twelve and staying up to three sounds like more fun than freedom. And the naivete of my parents when I tell them I'm going to a simple little party at my friends house, where really we're all getting drunk and having fun while his/her parents are out of town.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. No one ever knows how his or her life will turn out. One minute you could be an average everyday teenager without a care and the next minute carrying the entire world on your shoulders...
1997
It's over, everything, finally. I'm on my own now, living with my friends. But I'm not a normal teenager now. I got everything I had hoped for in life so far. I'm with my friends, I have my freedom, but that everyday sense of joy is gone now. I don't look forward to the morning anymore. I'm afraid that when I wake up, that there'll be another battle to be fought and more lives to be lost. We came so close to losing Ryo when he became one with Talpa, and we lost Anubis, along with hundreds of victims never found. But I know that if I didn't do my part, it could've been worse. I'm not the fighting type, I wouldn't call myself weak, but I prefer the simple joys of life. The others, they spend so much time training and getting ready, maybe if I worked more I could be stronger. But college calls, I promised mother I would do well in school and keep my studies before everything else.
I'm much more content to read my books and keep to myself, drifting in and out of my own little world that nobody would understand but me. It relieves me of all my worries and troubles, letting me see how maybe my life could've been if I were that person I was reading about. Maybe I could've been a great explorer, or nuclear physicist, or whatever else I wanted to be. I still have my whole life ahead of me. But forever there will be that everlasting pang that I feel inside when I realize I have more to live for now, that I have to protect the world. Other than my friends, no one else knows what that feels like. I don't know if they think about it as much as me, I'm just that type of person.
1998
How tragic is the loss of a life when that person is still living? I know that may sound ironic, but it's true. About a month ago, he finally lost it. Ryo went off the deep end, so to say. With him being our leader he felt all the added guilt we never knew about. Ryo kept everything bottled up inside, he wouldn't even tell Mia. This whole Ryo thing has her all depressed too, she stays in her room all the time now. Ryo had said he felt dead inside that he couldn't feel anymore. Then, he took his life. In his letter, he had written, "It is easier to die knowing one is already so dead inside, that the outside wouldn't have to wait long before it became as corrupt."
When someone leaves you, it leaves emptiness inside, everyone tries to find someway to fill that void, but usually with no success. The others all took it different ways, no one talked much for a while. School no longer feels like my priority, even though I have no other obligations in my life. Now I just sit around, watching other people's lives, seeing their joy and their sadness. I wonder sometimes, if they feel the way I do, lost, lost in a world I no longer want. Then I look up, I wonder if there is anything up there I could be a part of. Another world or time, where everything is the way I want it to be. I know that doesn't really exist but a guy can dream, can't he?
1999
I laugh at education, I laugh at the world, my parents, my friends, and everything else that I can't stand anymore. School sucks, like I haven't known that for a while. I stopped going, I took up wandering from place to place. I failed a couple courses, my mother wasn't too happy with that. She called me and told me maybe I would do better if I came and lived with her again, that I just need some help. I told her I didn't need to be home, I was better off where I was at the moment. Alone, a feeling I haven't had in awhile. A couple of the guys left, I forget, a couple make half of us now. We haven't found someone worthy enough for Ryo's armor. Mia was depressed for a long time, she finally started going to a psychiatrist and she's on some anti-depressant now. I spend even more time looking up now, wondering what's out there for me, and then deciding I don't want it anymore. Nothing here pleases me, I come and go as I please. Sometimes I'll leave for days, just wanting my
space.
I've become a little withdrawn, more than I usually am. The others, they keep trying to make me talk, they don't get that I don't want to. I'm happy in my own little shell. I envy turtles sometimes, when they have a problem, they can pull themselves into their shells and stay there. Or even birds, they can fly high into the air watching the world go by, and neither of them have parents or school. Turtles are abandoned as soon as the mother is done with the eggs. And birds, as soon as they can fly, they're free to move about as they please. Settling down is something I never believed in either. I've had girlfriends, my last one lasted over ten months, but as soon as I became distant we kinda lost it and separated. I've gotten to the point I don't know why I even bother writing this stuff down anymore. Every year when I read it I just get more depressed than before. It's like watching my life move downhill at a slow speed. Maybe I'll just throw this out or burn it, it's really
not helping me much.
2000
Cye closed the book, the other four that had been sitting there didn't know what to say. "He didn't get the chance to write anything this year I guess," he said. "If he had only told us what was wrong we could've helped him, he just wouldn't open up. I wish we had found this sooner, now there's nothing we can do," Sage said solemnly. "Look how everything's falling apart, ever since we lost Ryo, we've become separated, we've all grown apart," Mia said quietly. "C'mon, we're gonna be late if we don't hurry up," Kento said getting everyone out of their daze.
Everyone piled into the car and headed to the Cemetery for the service. It was raining, bringing a damper on everyone. At the end everyone got into the car. Mia had lingered to place a couple roses on Ryo's grave that was a short distance away. Sage stood with a white rose in hand as he stood in front of the grave. He placed the flower on the freshly churned dirt. "We'll, I guess you don't have to look up anymore. Now you can look down with Ryo. I know that's where you are buddy, and hopefully we'll all be together again, just not real soon. You taught us all something today, to just enjoy every moment and not try to find someplace to shelter us from what's to come. I'll miss you, you were and still are my greatest friend in the world. Sayonara, Ro-chan."