Sometimes there were moments. Moments where I understood what was going on in my sister's mind. Moments where this thing that was happening between them that both were oblivious to made perfect sense. Moments that I would stumble upon and suddenly be left feeling like I was from another planet. Moments where I was sure the rest of the world ceased to exist for them and moments where I knew the only thing that mattered to either of them was the other one.
Most of the time he was a self-obsessed, egotistical, domineering, controlling, moody fool. Most of the time he was too blind to see that right in front of him stood what could very well be the best thing that ever happened to him. Most of the time he was a man drunk on power and money, a man who thought having both things should mean anything he wanted was his.
But then there were moments that I could see from my place at the top of the stairs, where I was almost sure he'd give up on the lies he told himself every day and give in to what they both wanted and kiss the woman in front of him.
Their voices would drift up to where I stood, and despite my urge not to eavesdrop, I'd find myself stuck in place, almost as if my feet were stapled to the ground and my eyes glued to the site before me. I'd stand there, only trying to see if it was safe to come down and suddenly find myself completely mesmerized by who are quite possibly the two most clueless people alive.
Most of the time she was a self-confident, respected, caring, capable attorney. True, she was a control freak, and she had this intense desire to be in charge of herself and her life. Most of the time she was trying to hide from the fact that she had no control over her emotions or her heart, or who she just happened to fall head over heels in love with. For Alexis, being in love meant losing control, it meant losing herself and the independence that she had fought so hard for. Most of the time she was denying that she felt anything more than a strong bond and a friendship for him.
But then there were moments where a blind man could see the love that was shining in her eyes for him.
It was all about the little things between them, whether it was just a look or a touch or a harmless little line that meant so much more just beneath the surface. And that deeper meaning that was hidden there made that thing between them come to life. It jumped out and nearly threatened to take them over. But they always seemed to get passed it somehow while I was left at the top of the stairs nearly breathless from the sheer beauty and honesty of it all.
I don't think I'll ever be able to figure out how it always managed to happen, and I don't think they ever will either. But there were these moments, she'd look at him, the love shining in her eyes, and he'd look at her, his dimples shyly peeking out at her as he fought to understand what it was he was feeling, and he'd touch her shoulder, or her hand, and the rest of the world just melted away.
It was all about the moments. The arguments, the dancing in circles to avoid falling off the edge of sanity and into love, the endless conversations that went nowhere fast, the attempts to control or conform, all of it seemed meaningless. All of it was meaningless. And I actually understood better than my sister what it was that she saw in that man. Those moments between them, the quick compliments that seemed to be tiny but were monumental just underneath it all, that's what kept her in their friendship above all. That's what made everything else seem utterly unimportant.
My favorite, by far, would have to be New Years Eve when he knocked on the door out of the blue. I was upstairs, though Alexis thought I had just left, and I could hear their soft voices drifting up to where I stood waiting to see if it was Ned.
"I need you," he said.
And she only replied, "You've got me."
I don't think either one of them picked up on it, but I did. I was practically swooning from my perch. Had they not both been so deeply buried in denial about their feelings and completely clueless about what was going on right in front of them, I think they would have seen what was going on right then.
But they didn't.
In fact, they never seemed to pick up the moments like I did. They never seemed to fully grasp what was happening. They only knew that something was happening, that the thing between them was growing. Their bond was strong, and they had a connection like no other two people I'd ever laid eyes on. But they still didn't know what it was that was between them, even when they saw their love looking back at them.
I'll admit, I wanted a moment of my own. Maybe it was the hopeless romantic part of my personality, or maybe I'd just spent so many nights dreaming about a the perfect thing that I could see it sooner than either of them could. It was obvious to anyone and everyone that they'd both given up on finding the perfect someone and the perfect something long before they ever should have had to. Their childhoods had left them guarded and jaded, my left me open and carefree. So maybe it took someone like me to recognize a moment, to see their thing for what it was.
We really are all different. I embrace love with open arms, despite the faults, fears, and insecurities. I let my emotions hang out, I open up and let it be what it is. If I'm sad, then I'm sad. If I'm happy, I'm happy. If I'm in love, then I'm in love. And I have never had any qualms with letting the rest of the world know it. What you see is what you get.
But they aren't like that. Alexis, while she tried her hardest to be open and honest, is afraid of being afraid. In fact, she was afraid of being anything. Emotions were a weakness and she hated being weak. Too many people had tried to control her in the name of love for her to simply open up and accept it. Both of them run from love like it's a two headed, fire breathing dragon waiting to have them for lunch. Sonny, though he tried to hide it, had been burned more times then any human ever should. He'd been pushed around, and hurt so many times that he started pushing people away only so they'd never get close enough to hurt him.
And neither could see that the other was exactly what they needed.
She kept him grounded, she kept his ego in check, stood up to him and for him, and she was very possibly the first person who he had allowed himself to trust that would not betray him in any way. Alexis told me once, even though she won't admit it, that Sonny was the first person who'd ever let her just be. Sonny was the first person that accepted her no matter what she was. If she was afraid he'd protect her, if she was sad he'd comfort her, if she was talking he'd listen to her, and if she was in danger he'd put his life on the line for her.
And she always accepted Sonny the same way. If he was angry she let him smash things then yelled at him, if he was cocky she'd laugh then insult him, if he was scared she'd try to fix it, and if he was in danger she'd no doubt lay down her life for him as well. She'd give up everything for that man, and he didn't seem to know it. Or maybe part of him did know it and that's what scared him so much.
I think that she was proud of the fact that he trusted, admired and respected her. Though you'd never get her to admit it. And I think that she hated the fact that she trusted, admired and respected him and his code. Somewhere deep down, Alexis always wanted to try and show him that his trust in her was not misplaced, she wanted to be worthy of his admiration, she wanted to show him that she could earn his respect.
Sonny on the other hand wanted to be worthy of her friendship. He felt that she deserved better than him – and she probably did. There was always a flicker of something in those moments, that even I could see in his eyes, that let her know he thought she was the greatest woman he'd ever known. But he did that in little ways every day. He'd open up just a tiny bit, take down a part of the brick wall inside of him that most people could never get past. He'd smile at her – not just flash his dimples – but really smile, and sometimes I wondered if the only time his smile ever reached his eyes was when he was with my sister.
They complimented each other perfectly. They balanced each other out. The mobster and the lawyer. Who would have ever thought that they'd be so perfect for each other?
There was always something about Alexis that I couldn't understand. A dark place in her mind, a hesitance, if you will, that I couldn't fully grasp the meaning behind. But I figured out pretty quickly that I should leave it alone, it was alright. Besides, I think Sonny understood, maybe he even shared it with her.
I could see it happening, in those moments.
Sometimes, he was awful to her. He's say hurtful things, and she'd just take it all in stride for reasons I didn't fully comprehend until the first time I saw a moment happen between them. And sometimes, she'd say awful things to him. She'd tease him, call him morally corrupt and attack his character, but after a while I learned that it was just a joke between them. Sonny knew that she respected and cared about him, and she knew he felt the same way about her. And everyone knew that it had happened against their better judgment.
Everyone could see it, the thing between them. But no one ever really dared to name it. Well, no one but me. I'd seen the moments, I knew that the moments made the thing something more than what it was. Some thought it was just a friendship, others just a mutual admiration. Some even went as far to suggest that it was a crush. But the word 'love' had rarely been uttered when trying to name the thing. And most of the time, I'll confess, I wouldn't call it love either.
I'm not sure what it could have been called, really. It was more than a friendship, but certainly not a relationship. It was more than a crush, more than a mutual respect and admiration. It was more than just a bond or a connection, and even more than just a simple affection that was between them.
It was love.
But it was more than that too. It was every good thing imaginable thrown in with two very screwed up people and blended until it came out almost flawless. Destiny had managed to get it just right with them. It was more than love, it was everything. It was the stuff that fairytales were made of.
Not your typical fairytale, mind you, but a fairytale none the less. No, it wasn't the princess locked away in a high tower somewhere by the evil witch just waiting for the day her prince would slay the dragon and rescue her. Alexis would probably disown me for even suggesting such a thing. It was different than that – it was better than that.
It was more like the princess that was charmed into saving the prince who had been burned too many times to save himself. After the princess saves the prince they become good friends. The prince (who pays very well) is so grateful that he starts listening to the princess because she has no one else to talk to. The prince is blown away by the outright trust this normally guarded princess has for him, and he in turn starts to trust her as well. Both open up to the other completely, and before either knew what had happened, they were in love and trying to pretend that nothing had changed.
Or maybe I really am over romanticizing the whole thing.
After all, Sonny is definitely no prince. And he certainly wouldn't be a knight in shining armor. Alexis wouldn't want a knight in shining armor anyway. Though in reality Alexis is a princess. She never wanted to be rescued. Or rather, she never wanted to admit to wanting to be rescued. But Sonny had stepped up and saved her, I've been told many times that he put himself between her and gunmen and nearly died because of it. So maybe he was a knight with really dirty, rusty armor. A knight that needed to be saved as well from time to time.
A knight that would smile at her, letting her know in his own way that she was the only one who could save him from himself.
They were both so flawed – so afraid of emotions and feelings. And more than anything they were both terrified by the idea of the thing between them having a name or being given life through words. Neither of them were perfect, and whatever it was between them, was quite possibly as messed up as they were. It obviously wasn't normal or it would have a name, right?
I've never really cared for him to tell you the truth. He's loud, demanding, and Alexis has to remind him daily not to order her around. I don't think it bothers her anymore, it might have at the beginning, but certainly not now. Now she'll just cross her arms over her chest and look at him until he catches on, smiles, and says please. I've wondered more than once if she could ever say no to him when he says please. And then I've wondered if he had ever wondered that as well.
Alexis is a great sister, and a great person. From our very first meeting I loved her, and respected her. And sometimes, a little bit of jealousy sneaks up on me. Not because I'm really jealous, just because… I wish I could be like her. I wish I could be as smart as her and as amazing a person as she is. I think I've idolized my big sister since before I knew her, and she definitely lived up to my expectations. Sometimes though, I just wish I could have what she doesn't even know she has.
The idea of someone hurting her doesn't sit well with me. And I know that no matter what he says or does, Sonny has hurt her and will hurt her again. That's one of the reasons he's not one of my favorite people. Deep down I know that it's only because he's been hurt so many times that he acts the way he does. I know that he closes off sometimes because she's closer than I think he has ever let another person. But it still hurts her when he does that, and I guess I should give him credit for trying to avoid hurting her. He's always tried to make her happy in his own way.
I know though, that he needs her and she needs him. Even if they don't know it or try to deny it even in the privacy of their own minds. That thing between them is there, and growing, and getting louder. And they need each other. I don't like it any more than they do, but that's the way that it is. Alexis needs him more than she's ever needed anyone, and it scares her. And I hate that she's afraid.
It's almost like it came right out of the blue. They didn't see the gradual growth of things that the casual observer could see. It was like they just woke up one day to find out that they can't live without each other. I can understand how this could be a scary thing for Alexis. I really don't think she ever thought about Sonny romantically before, but now she has to try not to. He was her best friend before, the person she could go to for anything, the person that didn't make her feel silly for her nervousness about things. Then he suddenly became the one person she might actually be able to imagine spending her life with.
I think it scares him too, I mean really scares him. Because I think he feels the same way about her. Not that I'm close enough to him to really know. I think that what he feels for her crept on him and smacked him upside the head. I think that thing between them is as scary to him as a monster under the bed is to most children. And they are both running away from it, and neither one are showing any signs of slowing down. Maybe someday they'll see what I see. Maybe eventually they'll take off their blinders and look at what is right in front of them.
I won't hold my breath though. I don't really think that anything will ever happen between them. I don't think they are ever going to get married and start a family of their own. I mean, really, can you imagine Alexis with children? Well, I can, I just don't think she could. And I don't think that they are going to just wake up to the fact that without the other they aren't complete anytime soon, either.
He smiles just a little bit, and there is a twinkle in his eyes. And a look that silently screams for her to look just a little deeper into what he says. It's a clear disclaimer on his face that reads: What I am about to say may sound like nothing, but it means everything. "I'm glad you're my friend, Alexis," he says, both their smiles growing.
But sometimes, there are moments.