Please read!!
Author's Note: This is a first-person-present-tense-Janeway story. If you don't like Janeway, you won't like this story. This is originally a NC-17 story… and it's still pretty hot. Nothing graphical, though, but consider yourselves warned. :)
Thank you to Cress for helping me remake this story!
Pairings: Mainly J/C, a little J/Harry. Mention of P/T, D/7, and C/7. Don't let that frighten you though - it's not as bad as it sounds.
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: Send any and all comments about this story to nameless_ensign@hotmail.com.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns everything in this story. No the story in itself, though. Not until they pay me for it, anyway. ;) And that will never happen.
To the journey (post Endgame)
PG-13 version
by Nameless Ensign (nameless_ensign@hotmail.com)
Part Three - By my side
I'm sitting on the balcony of my hotel room, writing this. I'm not sure why but it seems important to document these first days back on Earth. The sun is shining on my face, and it has never felt better. For the last seven years I've only had the luxury of relaxing in the sunshine on a handful of occasions. The holodeck's fake photonic sun doesn't count. It has been a wonderful substitute at times, but it's not the same as real sunshine.
I've slept well for the first time since the Admiral appeared on my ship, and I am actually enjoying not having any plans. There is no place I need to be, there aren't 150 people depending on me. I don't have to ration my replicator use. And it feels wonderful. I've used that word a lot in these last few sentences, haven't I? Well, it's the word that floats around in my mind this morning. Wonderful.
It's a wonderful world.
I absently reach for my cup and realize that it's empty. Closing my diary, I get up to get more coffee. I feel joyful today, like there isn't a problem in the world I couldn't solve. I decide to call Seven.
With a fresh cup of coffee in my hand, a smile on my lips, and filled with confidence, I sit down by my terminal and dial the terminal in Seven's hotel room. After a few moments, someone answers my call, but it's not Seven's face that appears on the screen. It's Chakotay's. My mood suddenly swings again, and I realize with painful clarity that there are problems I can't solve. "Chakotay."
"Captain." He is formal, and looks a bit embarrassed.
I don't know what to say to him, the situation is absurdly awkward. And why is he calling me 'Captain'? He hasn't done that in years, not unless there were crewmembers present. Sometimes not even then. I find that although I miss him desperately, I can't, don't even want to, talk to him right now. Not over Seven's terminal anyway. The silence that always has been comfortable between us, is now strained. I realize I need to say something. "I was looking for Seven."
"Sorry, she's not in right now."
Then what the hell are you doing there? Have you two moved in together? That didn't take long. Suddenly I'm angry. I need to do something about these mood swings. Perhaps I should talk to one of the counselors that we've have been offered, after all. "Oh," I say. That's all I can think of to say. The silence is threatening to become strained again. Needing to stop that from happening, I end the pitiful excuse for a conversation. "Well, tell her I called. Goodbye, Commander." I turn off my terminal before he has a chance to reply.
I sit and glare at the terminal screen, now dead and black, for several minutes before I finally can pull myself together. I'm not this moody, am I? The frightening truth is that I don't really know. Over the last seven years, my chances of being Kathryn, just Kathryn, have been few and far apart. Kathryn the spontaneous, the unpredictable, the... moody. I guess I do have a bad temper after all. But I can't remember it being this visible before. Perhaps it's just stress. I can think of only one place where I can find peace right now. The place where I grew up. I turn on the terminal again, and within a few seconds, my mother's face fills the screen. I smile at her loving and familiar face and I feel calmer immediately. "Hi Mum."
"Kathy! Is something wrong?"
"Why should anything be wrong? Just because I haven't called you for seven years or so..."
She lifts an elegant eyebrow, and glare at me mockingly, the corners of her lips twitching, but she doesn't speak.
"Mum, would I cause you a lot of trouble if I came home today instead?"
The plan was to stay in San Fransisco another few days, in case Starfleet decide to call us to more interviews and debriefings. But I need to be with my mother right now. Starfleet can say what they want about that, it doesn't matter. What matters to me is my family, the loved ones I only was allowed to see a few short hours the day we got back.
"No trouble at all, Kathy sweetie. Your room is ready and waiting for you. Are you hungry? I was just about to make some lunch."
"Sounds wonderful, Mum. I'll be there within the hour."
She nods and smiles. "I'll see you then."
She is about to terminate the link, but I stop her. "And Mum?" I wait until she looks back at me before I continue. "I love you."
Her voice is as soft as I remember it, as soothing as it was when I was a child, when she replies. "I love you too, sweetheart."
And my heart fills with warmth and love.
The sight that greets me when I step off the transporter pad roughly forty-five minutes later is not the one I had expected. I drop my bags where I stand at the familiar sight of the unruly hair, the wide warm smile set in the tanned face, the broad shoulders. The familiar, friendly eyes. "Mark." I whisper his name to myself and practically run into his arms. "Oh God... Mark." I'm mumbling into his chest. His familiar scent is enveloping me, his strong arms holding me tight.
His voice is slightly shaky when he speaks. "Kath..."
He is stoking my hair, and with my face pressed to his chest I can hear his sobs, his ragged breathing betraying him. And I remember how much I loved the way he could show his emotions without ever seeming weak. I'm not surprised when I notice that tears are running down my cheeks too. "I've missed you so much, Mark."
He answers by tightening his arms around me, gently swaying me back and forth. How easy wouldn't it be to just lift my face and kiss him, and everything would be like before. It was always so easy to be with Mark. But then he brings his hand up to caress my face and I see the ring. He wore one when I last saw him seven years ago too, but that one had my name in it and I wore one that matched it. This ring represents his commitments to someone else. I turn my face to look at my own hand, where I used to wear his ring and I am unable to stop the grief that's flooding me. I bury my face in his chest and cry for the life we thought we'd have together, but which is now forever lost.
We stand there holding each other for a long time, until both his breathing and mine return to normal.
"I'm so sorry, Kath."
I look up at him and try to smile. "So am I."
He gently kisses my forehead and we move to pick up my bags, arm in arm. And then it dawns on me. Mark is the one that never left my side. Not until I was declared missing in action, presumed dead. And now he's here by my side again. We were friends long before we became lovers, and I vow to do everything I can to hold on to that friendship.
As we approach my mother's house, my smile is growing wider. This is the one place where I've never been the Captain. My mother wouldn't have allowed that. She is standing outside the house, waiting for us. There is another woman, who I don't recall seeing before, there as well. I ignore her for the time being and walk up to my mother and hug her. I can't stop the tears that are streaming down my face again, and I find that I don't even mind. I guess Kathryn does cry, after all. But these are happy tears, being in this place makes me forget the guilt and loneliness. Breaking the hug I suddenly see that the other woman has moved over to Mark's side, and is looking curiously at me. And then I realize who she is. This is Mark's wife.
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