Sorry that the last chapter veered dangerously towards the lives of my
friends, I was just inspired by darmoon and bunnyb's fabulous stories about
them, and I couldn't resist. I'll try to keep this one more LOTR based.
After the fellowship of the pretty ring rode valiantly on their fat asses from Big Hill in the Middle of Nowhere over a bunch of country that all blended together so that anyone who ever saw it could ever remember what happened in the plot during their passage through it, they neared Rivendel.
"It can't be!" shouted Frodo.
"Is that who I think it is?" asked Sam, who had clutched Frodo in all the excitement.
"Welcome to Rivendel," said a jolly looking, roly-poly man in a red suit and long beard.
"Yo man, have we reached the north pole or something? Cause this fat dude sure looks like Santa Clause" Merry said to Pippin.
"But wait, man, I thought the name of the dude who owns this phatty joint was Elrond" Pippin responded.
"Actually, my stoned little hobbits, my full name is Santa E. Clause. The E stands for Elrond" the jolly man told them wisely.
"So why don't you go by Santa?" asked Gimli the grumpy dwarf.
"I've found that when I introduce my self as Santa, everyone assumes that I will some obese jolly man ready to give out gifts to anyone who wants them," replied the obese jolly man. "So I just go by Elrond. It makes my life a hell of a lot simpler."
"Ooh, just look at all the cute little elves! And they even have pointy shoes like me!" squealed the manly-challenged Legolas.
"Wow, they are so color-coordinated. This would put the stewards of Gondor to shame. And would you just look at those ears? They are soooo adorable." Said Boromir.
"Damn it, I knew it was too good to be true. All the cute ones are gay." Sexy/Arwen mumbled under her breath.
"Please, fellowship of the pretty ring and their lovely companions, stay and revel in Rivendel for a pointlessly long period of time." Elrond invited.
"Actually, we should be going, there's this damn lit test we all have to study for now. But don't worry, we will be back later in the most unexpected places. And perhaps we will bring with us examples of comedic stock characters, such as a fop or a pedant," Lauren replied.
And with that, the lovely ladies hopped in a Porsche and drove back home, taking Lily the head lighting technician with them.
"Well that was unexpected," said Aragorn a little sadly. "Now who's going to complement me on my nice upper body?"
"Well, you know, Aragorn, there was this little confession that I've been meaning to make," said Legolas in a whisper. "Not only do I think that your upper body is fabulous, but I've been constantly imagining what could be bulging beneath that towel…"
But before the manly-challenged elf could go any farther and make the very manly Aragorn any more uncomfortable,
"Ouch!" Frodo said loudly.
"What has happened? Are you hurt? Cause I can cure you. Really. That was my main function in the book. And since you have already established the whole fellowship thingy already, I really have no purpose here," Elrond said in a concerned tone.
"Oh, it's nothing really," said Frodo, his piercing blue eyes brimming over with tears. "Sam just got a little, er, excited. It's just a love pinch, that's all."
"Nonsense, I must cure you!" Elrond exclaimed, already getting out his cute little medical bag.
"Oh master Frodo! I'm so sorry!" Sam said.
"It's understandable, you naughty hobbit," said Frodo as he was being carried off by Elrond. "I can think of a few ways you can make it up to me."
Just so, Frodo was carried off to a so-called chamber of healing, where his little love pinch was studied by many elves wearing pointy shoes, until the pain had subsided. But Elrond told the brave hobbit that he would always carry a scar from the pinch, and would be pained by it for the rest of his life.
After they had partied drunkenly for many weeks, the fellowship of the pretty ring was ready to again set off on their important quest.
"Now, we go through the mines of Moria!" Gandalf the Sea Foam Green shouted confidently.
"Silly Gandy, we went through this last chapter. We have to at least attempt the pass of Caradhras first," Boromir chided.
"Damn it!" the grumpy wizard said. "That's it, we're skipping all that crap. To the Mines of Moria!"
"Well, okay," the rest of the fellowship of the pretty ring said. And so they set off once again, but to be greeted by what? An evil gay porn star named Jimmi? A herd of half-goats? Or maybe just a door that wouldn't open.
A/N: Review! Review! Review!
After the fellowship of the pretty ring rode valiantly on their fat asses from Big Hill in the Middle of Nowhere over a bunch of country that all blended together so that anyone who ever saw it could ever remember what happened in the plot during their passage through it, they neared Rivendel.
"It can't be!" shouted Frodo.
"Is that who I think it is?" asked Sam, who had clutched Frodo in all the excitement.
"Welcome to Rivendel," said a jolly looking, roly-poly man in a red suit and long beard.
"Yo man, have we reached the north pole or something? Cause this fat dude sure looks like Santa Clause" Merry said to Pippin.
"But wait, man, I thought the name of the dude who owns this phatty joint was Elrond" Pippin responded.
"Actually, my stoned little hobbits, my full name is Santa E. Clause. The E stands for Elrond" the jolly man told them wisely.
"So why don't you go by Santa?" asked Gimli the grumpy dwarf.
"I've found that when I introduce my self as Santa, everyone assumes that I will some obese jolly man ready to give out gifts to anyone who wants them," replied the obese jolly man. "So I just go by Elrond. It makes my life a hell of a lot simpler."
"Ooh, just look at all the cute little elves! And they even have pointy shoes like me!" squealed the manly-challenged Legolas.
"Wow, they are so color-coordinated. This would put the stewards of Gondor to shame. And would you just look at those ears? They are soooo adorable." Said Boromir.
"Damn it, I knew it was too good to be true. All the cute ones are gay." Sexy/Arwen mumbled under her breath.
"Please, fellowship of the pretty ring and their lovely companions, stay and revel in Rivendel for a pointlessly long period of time." Elrond invited.
"Actually, we should be going, there's this damn lit test we all have to study for now. But don't worry, we will be back later in the most unexpected places. And perhaps we will bring with us examples of comedic stock characters, such as a fop or a pedant," Lauren replied.
And with that, the lovely ladies hopped in a Porsche and drove back home, taking Lily the head lighting technician with them.
"Well that was unexpected," said Aragorn a little sadly. "Now who's going to complement me on my nice upper body?"
"Well, you know, Aragorn, there was this little confession that I've been meaning to make," said Legolas in a whisper. "Not only do I think that your upper body is fabulous, but I've been constantly imagining what could be bulging beneath that towel…"
But before the manly-challenged elf could go any farther and make the very manly Aragorn any more uncomfortable,
"Ouch!" Frodo said loudly.
"What has happened? Are you hurt? Cause I can cure you. Really. That was my main function in the book. And since you have already established the whole fellowship thingy already, I really have no purpose here," Elrond said in a concerned tone.
"Oh, it's nothing really," said Frodo, his piercing blue eyes brimming over with tears. "Sam just got a little, er, excited. It's just a love pinch, that's all."
"Nonsense, I must cure you!" Elrond exclaimed, already getting out his cute little medical bag.
"Oh master Frodo! I'm so sorry!" Sam said.
"It's understandable, you naughty hobbit," said Frodo as he was being carried off by Elrond. "I can think of a few ways you can make it up to me."
Just so, Frodo was carried off to a so-called chamber of healing, where his little love pinch was studied by many elves wearing pointy shoes, until the pain had subsided. But Elrond told the brave hobbit that he would always carry a scar from the pinch, and would be pained by it for the rest of his life.
After they had partied drunkenly for many weeks, the fellowship of the pretty ring was ready to again set off on their important quest.
"Now, we go through the mines of Moria!" Gandalf the Sea Foam Green shouted confidently.
"Silly Gandy, we went through this last chapter. We have to at least attempt the pass of Caradhras first," Boromir chided.
"Damn it!" the grumpy wizard said. "That's it, we're skipping all that crap. To the Mines of Moria!"
"Well, okay," the rest of the fellowship of the pretty ring said. And so they set off once again, but to be greeted by what? An evil gay porn star named Jimmi? A herd of half-goats? Or maybe just a door that wouldn't open.
A/N: Review! Review! Review!