Disclaimer: May contain obvious reverences to a certain play...perhaps one of Shaw's...and a few to my heroes, those wacky boys of Monty Python. Of course I don't own the rights to any of it.
So the Fellowship of the Pretty Ring set off once again, and did some stuff, I'm sure, on the way to Moria. But, as a result of some very bad and very tainted chocolate that they ate on the way, none of them could remember it.
When they got to the door, Gandalf tried and tried to open the door, but nothing seemed to work.
"Yo, Gandy, baby, maybe the door won't open because your only using obscene passwords," said Merry.
"Shut the f$#k up, you s#!$head of a stoned hobbit!" said Gandalf. "Aragorn, I order you to push the door really really hard until it opens."
"I never follow orders," said Aragorn, folding his arms in a very arrogant and pompous manner.
During all this, Gimli was standing in his nightgown staring whistfully at the full moon, fully aware of how romantic he looked. Legolas was standing around eating chocolate.
During a long tirade of obscenities from Gandalf, Frodo had fallen fast asleep. In his sleep, he murmured the words `shrubbery...ni...shrubbery', and the door miraculously opened.
"Man, that was too easy," said Pippin as he lit up yet again.
When the Fellowship pirouetted through the door, they were met by a pair of orcs peacefully playing at checkers. When they saw the strange group, one of the orcs rose and said "Oh what a brave new world that has...oh, wait a minute, these are our enemies!"
"To the secret weapons!" cried the other. "We must raise the alarm!" And with that the pair scampered out of the entrance hallway, which was actually very cozy with its luxurious Persian rugs and blazing fire.
"Hmm, what to do..." mused Aragorn. "Perhaps a cavalry charge?"
Legolas just sighed and unwrapped another piece of chocolate.
"What can I do?" asked Gandalf importantly. "I am a very important person, you know. I must not let my dear Gimli get hurt."
"You know," said Boromir, "I believe this tapestry over here was woven 9657 years ago by entwives, who had an odd tendency of speaking in funny accents."
Frodo and Sam, the only members of the fellowship not either acting like Victorian-era nobles or stoned, gathered up all the company's weapons and led them into the large dining hall of Moria.
When the reached said hall, they were greeted by a large band of orcs carrying...herrings!
While the rest of the fellowship ran around screaming like women, Sam and Frodo corralled them into a large group and plowed bravely through the horde of fish. Once that was done, they all ran down a bunch of steps until they came to a very narrow stone bridge. It was very dangerous, since the orcs were still standing behind them looking menacing and brandishing seafood.
"Oh Aragorn, that was the most noble thing I've ever seen!" cried Gimli in an awe-struck tone.
"Nothing, my dear, it was nothing," said Aragorn, again folding his arms in a great gesture, nearly knocking Pippin and Merry, who were still very stoned, off the bridge.
Legolas just stood by munching chocolate. He was at this time nearly naked, since he had popped out of his other pants from eating so much. But I'm sure some people would still find him attractive.
"You know," said Boromir, "this bridge was constructing 8347 years ago by dwarfish architects, who were actually only 3 feet tall and wore funny hats."
"Um, that's great, Bor, but how the hell does it help us!?" asked Frodo.
Just as he finished this obviously exclamatory sentence (or was that interrogative?), a large shadow appeared before them. When Frodo and Sam whirled around to look at their new aggressor, they were surprised to find...a giant goat!
"Bahhhh!" said the goat.
"Ahhhh!" said the fellowship, commencing once again to run around in circles while screaming like women.
"This nemesis cannot be stopped by you...you can do no more here," said Gandalf seriously.
"No, Gandy, baby, no!" exclaimed Merry.
"I'm afraid I have to, my stoned little hobbit. It can't be avoided. I must have a trash-eating contest with him." Said Gandalf.
And so the sea foam green wizard walked to the middle of the bridge to the large pile of trash the goat had set out for him.
"But what shall we do?" cried Gimli, batting his eyelashes.
"You'll be safe with me!" said Aragorn.
Legolas once again unwrapped a new piece of chocolate.
"Bahhhhh!" said the goat.
"Good God you people are idiots!" cried Frodo. "Let's go before this evil goat challenges us all to trash eating contests!"
"Frodo is right," said Gandalf. "Flee, you fools, flee!"
And so they did, running and screaming like girls before pirouetting on the way out.
TO BE CONTINUED
So you actually read to the bottom...I'm impressed. For that, you should at least get the privilege of reviewing. Come on, you know you want to.
So the Fellowship of the Pretty Ring set off once again, and did some stuff, I'm sure, on the way to Moria. But, as a result of some very bad and very tainted chocolate that they ate on the way, none of them could remember it.
When they got to the door, Gandalf tried and tried to open the door, but nothing seemed to work.
"Yo, Gandy, baby, maybe the door won't open because your only using obscene passwords," said Merry.
"Shut the f$#k up, you s#!$head of a stoned hobbit!" said Gandalf. "Aragorn, I order you to push the door really really hard until it opens."
"I never follow orders," said Aragorn, folding his arms in a very arrogant and pompous manner.
During all this, Gimli was standing in his nightgown staring whistfully at the full moon, fully aware of how romantic he looked. Legolas was standing around eating chocolate.
During a long tirade of obscenities from Gandalf, Frodo had fallen fast asleep. In his sleep, he murmured the words `shrubbery...ni...shrubbery', and the door miraculously opened.
"Man, that was too easy," said Pippin as he lit up yet again.
When the Fellowship pirouetted through the door, they were met by a pair of orcs peacefully playing at checkers. When they saw the strange group, one of the orcs rose and said "Oh what a brave new world that has...oh, wait a minute, these are our enemies!"
"To the secret weapons!" cried the other. "We must raise the alarm!" And with that the pair scampered out of the entrance hallway, which was actually very cozy with its luxurious Persian rugs and blazing fire.
"Hmm, what to do..." mused Aragorn. "Perhaps a cavalry charge?"
Legolas just sighed and unwrapped another piece of chocolate.
"What can I do?" asked Gandalf importantly. "I am a very important person, you know. I must not let my dear Gimli get hurt."
"You know," said Boromir, "I believe this tapestry over here was woven 9657 years ago by entwives, who had an odd tendency of speaking in funny accents."
Frodo and Sam, the only members of the fellowship not either acting like Victorian-era nobles or stoned, gathered up all the company's weapons and led them into the large dining hall of Moria.
When the reached said hall, they were greeted by a large band of orcs carrying...herrings!
While the rest of the fellowship ran around screaming like women, Sam and Frodo corralled them into a large group and plowed bravely through the horde of fish. Once that was done, they all ran down a bunch of steps until they came to a very narrow stone bridge. It was very dangerous, since the orcs were still standing behind them looking menacing and brandishing seafood.
"Oh Aragorn, that was the most noble thing I've ever seen!" cried Gimli in an awe-struck tone.
"Nothing, my dear, it was nothing," said Aragorn, again folding his arms in a great gesture, nearly knocking Pippin and Merry, who were still very stoned, off the bridge.
Legolas just stood by munching chocolate. He was at this time nearly naked, since he had popped out of his other pants from eating so much. But I'm sure some people would still find him attractive.
"You know," said Boromir, "this bridge was constructing 8347 years ago by dwarfish architects, who were actually only 3 feet tall and wore funny hats."
"Um, that's great, Bor, but how the hell does it help us!?" asked Frodo.
Just as he finished this obviously exclamatory sentence (or was that interrogative?), a large shadow appeared before them. When Frodo and Sam whirled around to look at their new aggressor, they were surprised to find...a giant goat!
"Bahhhh!" said the goat.
"Ahhhh!" said the fellowship, commencing once again to run around in circles while screaming like women.
"This nemesis cannot be stopped by you...you can do no more here," said Gandalf seriously.
"No, Gandy, baby, no!" exclaimed Merry.
"I'm afraid I have to, my stoned little hobbit. It can't be avoided. I must have a trash-eating contest with him." Said Gandalf.
And so the sea foam green wizard walked to the middle of the bridge to the large pile of trash the goat had set out for him.
"But what shall we do?" cried Gimli, batting his eyelashes.
"You'll be safe with me!" said Aragorn.
Legolas once again unwrapped a new piece of chocolate.
"Bahhhhh!" said the goat.
"Good God you people are idiots!" cried Frodo. "Let's go before this evil goat challenges us all to trash eating contests!"
"Frodo is right," said Gandalf. "Flee, you fools, flee!"
And so they did, running and screaming like girls before pirouetting on the way out.
TO BE CONTINUED
So you actually read to the bottom...I'm impressed. For that, you should at least get the privilege of reviewing. Come on, you know you want to.