Please read!!
Author's Note: This is a first-person-present-tense-Janeway story. If you don't like Janeway, you won't like this story. This is originally a NC-17 story… and it's still pretty hot. Nothing graphical, though, but consider yourselves warned. :)
Thank you to Cress for helping me remake this story!
Pairings: Mainly J/C, a little J/Harry. Mention of P/T, D/7, and C/7. Don't let that frighten you though - it's not as bad as it sounds.
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: Send any and all comments about this story to nameless_ensign@hotmail.com.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns everything in this story. No the story in itself, though. Not until they pay me for it, anyway. ;) And that will never happen.
To the journey (post Endgame)
PG-13 version
by Nameless Ensign (nameless_ensign@hotmail.com)
Part Five -Starfleet Headquarters
I am back at Starfleet Headquarters now. It's a bit more joyful than last time I was here, though. More and more of my crewmembers have been arriving over the last few days for the festivities and the meeting. I have not seen Chakotay, though. Or Seven. I wonder where they are. I hope my brooding hasn't made them feel alien to the rest of us.
I don't know what else to write, so I close the diary and sip my coffee while I look out over Starfleet's vast garden two floors below. I freeze, with the cup to my lips, as I see someone resembling Chakotay walking up one of the paths. It's funny how my heart still beats faster when I see him, even after all these years, and after all that's been tearing us away from each other. I wish I could just make my heart realize that I lost my chance, that it will never be. It would be so much easier. I follow the man that resembles Chakotay as he walks closer to the house I'm in, anticipation is building. But then he lifts his face in my direction and I see that's it not Chakotay at all. And my heart sinks. Slowly I lower the cup from my lips and put it back on the table. He's not here. He won't come. He and Seven are probably building themselves a nice home somewhere, far from Starfleet and the vast expanses of space. I can imagine his strong hands building her a log cabin, in some remote part of a mountain chain somewhere. Maybe he's even making her a bathtub. Anger is rising in me at that thought. Not anger with him or her, but with the cruel jokes fate always seem to make at my expense. A thought about it being time to get ready for the party nestles itself into my mind, so I walk into my bathroom and pour myself a luxurious scented bath. And I daydream of a garden with Talaxian tomatoes, next to a gray cabin on a now distant planet somewhere in the Delta Quadrant. I dream of a time when I was certain that Chakotay and I would spend the rest of our lives together. I dream of New Earth.
Later the same evening during the party, after Harry's promotion and all the cheers that followed, I find that my eyes are still roaming the room looking for a hint of the familiar sight of Chakotay. But, of course, he isn't there. I stand in a corner of the room trying to smile and be happy as I watch my crew members and their families mingle and dance, laugh and talk. But I think that most of the people in the room know me well enough to see through my facade.
I sense, rather than see, B'Elanna come up to stand by my side. For a while, she just stands there, sipping her wine and looking out over the crowd with me. Then she speaks. "He hasn't returned my calls either."
She is of course talking about Chakotay. It surprises me that he isn't even keeping in touch with B'Elanna. Perhaps it's not my awkwardness towards him that's keeping him away after all. I don't mention that I did contact him, or that I hung up on him. Thankfully, B'Elanna continues talking. "Tom and Harry are over by that table." She nods in their direction.
I follow her gaze to see Tom and Harry sitting at a table, looking at us.
"Why don't you join us?" she asks. "Harry said he'd buy you a drink as a thanks for the promotion."
"Oh, he shouldn't be thanking me. He should be making me buy him drinks for waiting so long with giving him that promotion." For the first time since she came up to me, I look at B'Elanna, and for the first time tonight, I feel that my smile is genuine. I decide to go with her to Tom's and Harry's table.
The night turns out to be surprisingly enjoyable. I spend most of the time at the table with Harry, Tom, and B'Elanna. And for the first time, I feel as if we're equals. Not that I consider myself better than them, it's just that I always felt like they were keeping their distance from me because I'm their captain. But not tonight. It's wonderful. Harry keeps getting me drinks, and before I know it, it's late and almost everyone has left the party. Tom and B'Elanna excuse themselves, saying it's late and that they should be getting back. I smile and thank them for a wonderful evening, making no attempt at leaving myself. When they've gone, I turn back to Harry, and am frightened by what I see. I no longer see the young, inexperienced ensign who thinks of me as his surrogate mother. From the look on his face I know he doesn't see me like that anymore either. I see a handsome, polite, kind, and caring young man who I am attracted to. That's what frightens me. I get up, suddenly. This can't be happening. I can't allow this to happen.
"I think I'll retire, too," I mumble "Thank you for a lovely evening, Harry."
He gets up, just as abruptly. Obviously he doesn't want to let go. Inwardly, I beg him to stay away—this isn't right. Doesn't he see what will happen if I don't leave right now?
"Let me walk you to your quarters."
I start to object, but he has already taken me by the arm and is leading me out of the ballroom. I follow, numbly. Not believing what I'm doing. Of course, he's not leading me to my quarters, but his own. And I go inside with him.
Then everything happens so quickly. He kisses me and it feels so good that I don't even resist. It's all very flattering, and I really am attracted to Harry. His kiss is wonderful, sensual, and makes me feel like a woman again. Makes me feel like Kathryn. His hands start to unbutton my blouse and his lips are hot against my neck.
"What's happening, Harry?" I ask him between my gasps.
"I don't know, Captain. But I like it."
"Me too." I whisper, and give in to the sensations.
I wake up to the lingering memory of sweet lovemaking. I slowly open my eyes and look out through the window in Harry's quarters. The sky is bright pink. Dawn. I catch movement from the corner of my eye and turn my head to face Harry. He's leaning on his elbow, studying me. When I catch his eye, he smiles that wide warm smile of his. "Good morning, Kathryn."
I smile back at him. To my surprise, it's not one bit awkward waking up in Harry's bed. I shudder from residual pleasure as I think about the night. The way he touched me. Gently, reverently. It all fills me with warmth. It's a feeling I cherish. I'm torn from my thoughts at the sound of his voice.
"Thank you."
I look at him questionly. He is thanking me? "For what, Harry?"
He smiles again, an almost shy smile this time. "For letting me get to know this part of you. For showing me this side of you." Then he leans in to gently touch my cheek. "You're so beautiful."
"Harry... I..."
"Hush. You are. "
I look at him in amazement as he leans in to kiss me. It's a sweet and joyous kiss and I respond eagerly. And we make love again, with no darkness to shield us this time.
I'm cradling a cup of hot coffee from Harry's replicator. It's close to noon, but I don't feel the least bit guilty for sleeping so late. A night like tonight will surely never happen again, and I find that I don't really want to leave, don't want to let go.
Then the doorbell rings, and I see the look on Harry's face. Fear. Of us being detected, no doubt. For a moment I feel hurt, but then I realize that it's not that he's ashamed that I'm there, but that he's afraid someone might think strange things of the Captain. But I stay in the sofa as he gets up to open the door when the doorbell sounds a second time.
"All right. I'm coming."
I would have smiled at his mutterings if it wasn't for the fact that deep down I'm a bit frightened too. Of what people might think of their almighty captain when they realize she really is only human. When the door opens, I hear the cheerful voice of Tom Paris. "Good morning, Harry. Slept late?"
"Go away, Tom."
"Why? You got a woman in there with you or something?" I can see Tom craning his neck, attempting to see past Harry.
"Yes. Now go away."
"You do?! Well... who is it? The only one I saw you talking to last night was the...." Tom goes quiet and I know what he's about to say. The Captain.
I sigh. I know what he's about to realize and decide I might as well beat him to it. "Let him in, Harry." I say and stand up from the sofa.
"Captain..." I hear Tom finish his sentence, looking straight at me now that Harry moved out of the way to let him in.
I straighten a little bit, taking a stand. "Yes," I say.
Tom is still staring at me, then his gaze turns to Harry. "But..."
Harry moves over to my side and wraps his arm protectively around me. "But what, Tom?" he says defensively.
It's such a sweet, and totally unexpected, gesture. I can't help but smile at him.
Tom gathers his composure quickly. "But nothing," he says and smiles that all-knowing smile of his. "Have fun, kids."
Then he's out the door again, whistling to himself for some reason, leaving Harry and me looking curiously after him.
nameless_ensign@hotmail.com
http://go.to/nameless_ensign