Please read!!
Author's Note: This is a first-person-present-tense-Janeway story. If you don't like Janeway, you won't like this story. This is originally a NC-17 story… and it's still pretty hot. Nothing graphical, though, but consider yourselves warned. :)
Thank you to Cress for helping me remake this story!
Pairings: Mainly J/C, a little J/Harry. Mention of P/T, D/7, and C/7. Don't let that frighten you though - it's not as bad as it sounds.
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: Send any and all comments about this story to nameless_ensign@hotmail.com.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns everything in this story. No the story in itself, though. Not until they pay me for it, anyway. ;) And that will never happen.
To the journey (post Endgame)
PG-13 version
by Nameless Ensign (nameless_ensign@hotmail.com)
Part Six - Harry
During the last few weeks I've found myself in Harry's company more and more often. Both as a friend and as a lover. I still can't quite believe it myself. Tom is just grinning about the whole affair, and B'Elanna looks curiously at me every time we meet. I'd be looking curiously at me too, to tell you the truth. No one else has been told, but it's quite obvious. It was hard enough to keep a secret on Voyager, and here it's ever harder. We're about 70 of Voyager's crew working on this project, and we rarely spend time with anyone outside that group. So, I think it's safe to say that they all know about me and Harry. Me and Harry. That sounds so funny. What really bothers me is that Mark, of all people, saw this weeks ago. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though. He's known me most of my life, after all. Speaking of Mark, I'm having dinner with him tonight. He called me the other day, saying he'd be in San Francisco for a week. Then he asked if we could meet. Remembering the promise I made to myself that first night back in Indiana, I gratefully accepted.
The work is progressing wonderfully, though I doubt the value of my presence. I think my qualities will be more useful once we get that ship into space.
The terminal alerts me of an incoming call, so I close the diary and slide off the bed. I'm in Harry's quarters, and since I'm having the day off, I'm still only dressed in a gown. Thinking that it's probably Tom or B'Elanna calling, I don't bother thinking about not being properly dressed. I just slide into the chair by Harry's computer terminal, and activate it. A moment later, I look into the intense blue eyes of Seven.
"Captain."
"Seven," I say, perplexed. How did she know I was here? Or didn't she? Is she perhaps looking for Harry? Yes, that must be it. I find myself blushing a little of how this must look. Myself, dressed only in my gown, in Harry's quarters, obviously having slept there.
"I was told I could find you there, Captain."
No. She wasn't looking for Harry. I feel one of my eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "Who told you that, Seven?" Oh, God. I haven't talked to her for weeks, and the first thing I do is interrogate her.
"When I was unsuccessful in reaching you at your own terminal, I contacted Lieutenant Paris to enquire if he had any knowledge of your whereabouts. I've been looking for you, Captain."
Oh, wonderful. Now I'm feeling guilty again. "I'm so sorry for not staying in touch with you, Seven," I say, and I do mean it. "I really am," I add as an afterthought.
She nods in acknowledgement of that statement, and a strange look pass over her features. Is that hurt? She really is learning all the human emotions the hard way. Then that look is replaced by another. Uncertainty? "I... was hoping we might be able to rectify that."
"Of course, Seven. What did you have in mind?" I cringe at my own words. What am I saying? I do want to see her, but it will be very strange to see her with Chakotay. It will be... painful. And he will most certainly be wherever Seven is.
"I am staying with Commander Tuvok and his family on Vulcan now."
I feel the surprise etched on my face again. Maybe Chakotay won't be there after all. I have a hard time imagining him with Tuvok on Vulcan, anyway.
"I'd like to invite you to visit us," she continues and looks at me with that uncertainty in her eyes again. It's been a long time since I'd been on Vulcan, and I haven't seen either Tuvok or Seven for far too long.
I accept. "I'd love that, Seven," I say and smile. "Just let me arrange some free time. How soon do you want me to come to Vulcan? Is next week ok?"
She smiles, the uncertainty replaced by joy. I feel the knife that's my guilt turn in me again. Yet, her smile also warms me.
"That would be a satisfactory. I'll see you then. Seven out."
"See you soon, Seven. Bye."
It's another few hours before Harry gets home, and I spend the time thinking about our situation and this... relationship. I guess I'm just realizing that that's what it's turning into. Yet, I'm not in love with Harry, and I doubt that he is in love with me. Oh, we love each other, at least I love him. But not this way. I love Harry Kim, the officer assigned to Ops, and Harry Kim, my friend. I think that most of all, I am flattered by the fact that he is attracted to me, and that he is flattered that I'm attracted to him. By the time he gets home I have decided. I know what I have to do. This has gone on far too long already.
"Harry."
My solemn look alerts him and he sits down beside me on the sofa. Quietly, he's waiting for me to speak.
"Seven called me earlier," I say, "she invited me to visit her and Tuvok on Vulcan."
Harry looks surprised for a moment. I think he expected me to say something completely different. Then realization dawns on his handsome face. He knows what I'm going to say but is waiting for me to say the words.
"When I get back..." I look at him apologetically, "maybe we shouldn't be seeing each other anymore."
He nods. "I understand. Really." He smiles at me, but his smile is a little sad. After a few moments silence he speaks again, humor in his voice. "Should have known I wouldn't be able to keep you."
I smile back at him, and then lean in to press my lips to his, gently. "Thank you, Harry. It's been a wonderful few weeks. It's been a long time since I've felt like a woman, and not just the Captain."
His next words surprise me, though in the light of the events of the last few weeks, maybe it shouldn't. "I've never seen you as just the Captain, Kathryn."
I get ready and leave for my dinner appointment with Mark in silence, taking the bags with my belongings with me as I leave. Our goodbye is short, and genuine in a way that warms my heart. No words, no tears, no touches. Just exchanged looks and smiles, then I'm out the door.
After an enjoyable dinner with Mark, I walk back to the Starfleet hotel we're all staying in. It's a beautiful night. There's a faint touch of fall in the air, but the sky is clear and I can see my beloved stars. When I reach my room, I stop outside, my hand raised to enter the entrance code. Then I change my mind; I lower my hand and walk to the other side of the hotel, to Harry's room, and silently let myself in. I'm not sure why, except that it feels right. The room is dark save for the moonlight coming in through the big windows. Harry is asleep; I hear his soft snoring, and see the steady rise and fall of his chest where he's sprawled out over the bed. Quickly and silently I undress, walk over to the bed, and slide in under the covers.
He stirs, and turns to me. "Kathryn?" His voice is groggy, and he looks both surprised and sleepy. Not quite awake.
"Yes," I say. He's starting to say something, but I continue. "I remember what I said, Harry. It still stands. But I said after I got back from Vulcan." I smile a little at him, trying to read his expression. "I haven't even left yet."
He doesn't say anything, just smiles at me and draws me to him.
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