Please read!!
Author's Note: This is a first-person-present-tense-Janeway story. If you don't like Janeway, you won't like this story. This is originally a NC-17 story… and it's still pretty hot. Nothing graphical, though, but consider yourselves warned. :)
Thank you to Cress for helping me remake this story!
Pairings: Mainly J/C, a little J/Harry. Mention of P/T, D/7, and C/7. Don't let that frighten you though - it's not as bad as it sounds.
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: Send any and all comments about this story to nameless_ensign@hotmail.com.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns everything in this story. No the story in itself, though. Not until they pay me for it, anyway. ;) And that will never happen.
To the journey (post Endgame)
PG-13 version
by Nameless Ensign (nameless_ensign@hotmail.com)
Part Eleven – Roses
Chakotay is coming over for dinner tonight. It's a bit strange how things are so normal between us. As if we never left Voyager, as if he never ran off to Dorvan and refused to speak to me. As if I never hung up on him. As if his affair with Seven and mine with Harry never happened. I get this strange feeling of dread, as if it's all some sort of facade that will come crumbling down on us any second. Or maybe I'm just overreacting again. Maybe it really is this simple.
This is really quite ridiculous when I think of it. All I can think of is Chakotay. I keep filling page after page with my thoughts about him when I should be writing about how we left for our first official mission today. How all the crewmembers seem happy to be in space and in the right quadrant, about how I feel... free. That's just it, isn't it? For the first time in a very long time I feel free. Free of guilt, free of the burdens of getting the crew home, free from the strange feeling of being lost I had while on Earth. And free to love. But what if he's not interested? What if he just wants to be my friend, after all? What if I really am all alone? Well, I guess I'm about to find out. He'll be here shortly, and I haven't even set the table yet. I should get going.
I put the diary away carefully this time, wiser by the mistake I made that morning, then I undress and walk into the bathroom. I turn on the water and choose carefully between the exotically scented bath oils I keep by my bathtub. I finally decide on one that smells of roses and pour a few drops into the steaming water. Then I get in and slowly lower myself into the rose-scented hot water. What would I do without a bathtub? I'd be a very cranky Captain without a bathtub, that's for sure. I chuckle a little at that thought, then take a deep breath and settle in the tub. It's very soothing but I can't seem to relax, I keep thinking of the conversation I'm about to have with Chakotay in a couple of hours. I don't know how to say all the things I need him to know. I don't know what words to use. That's a first. I don't think I've ever found myself at a loss for words before. Damn him for doing this to me. I wonder if he knows just how easily he makes my breath catch, my heart beat faster. How his smile alone makes me all warm inside. I sigh to myself. What if I just kissed him? Would he kiss me back? I can't help but imagine just how his lips would feel, pressed to mine. I try to fight it, try to think of other things. But it's not working. The only thing I seem to manage to keep my mind on for any amount of time is Chakotay. I give in. Slowly, I let my hands wander over my body, imagining it's Chakotay's hands. God, the things that man is doing to me. Without even being around. I dread finding out what it's like when he is around. If I ever do find out, I remind myself. But that doesn't feel like it's an option right now. I just hope he agrees with me on that.
I get out of the tub and I set the table, light the candles, and get the wine. Then I pour myself a glass of the red liquid, waiting for him to arrive. I dressed carefully. Nice but not too sexy, informal but not careless. Neutral. I'm still thinking of suitable words, but none seem to come to mind. I hate not being able to articulate my thoughts. I really should throw him in the brig for reducing his Captain to a rambling fool. Must be something about that somewhere in the regulations.
The first thing to arrive is a rose. A single rose materializes in the middle of the table. Surprised, I walk over and pick it up, and bring it to my nose. Remembering the scent from my bath earlier I think of the things I imagined him doing while I was satisfying myself in the bathtub. I feel a small lopsided smile make its way onto my lips at the thought. Wicked thoughts of a man with a dimpled smile and a bronze body invade my mind. Just then the doorbell rings, and as I walk over to the door to let him in, my smile is growing wider, and I can't wipe it off my face. So I answer the door grinning like a madwoman.
He doesn't seem to mind, though, it only brings out his own smile. "Good evening, Kathryn. I see you found the rose. I brought the other eleven too," he says and smiles, holding out a bouquet of the most beautiful roses I've ever seen.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk," I say jokingly and raise an eyebrow at him. "Trying to bribe your Captain by bringing her red roses?"
"That depends," he says, still smiling, "is it working?"
"Yes," I say and flash him one of my crooked smiles.
He lowers his eyes and tugs at his ear, then looks up at me with a dangerously sexy look in his eyes, the dimpled smile firmly in place. I think I have the answer to the question that's been haunting me right there. He still cares for me. He reacts to my smile as much as I react to his. The realization warms my heart, and I feel a big happy smile spread over my face. God, I love this man. Now I just have to let him know. I decide to go for the easy way. I walk up to him, and stand there for a moment, looking into his eyes, smiling. Then I pull his head down to mine and kiss him. The sweet gentleness of the kiss makes my knees weak. Why didn't I do this before? My heart is so full I'm afraid it'll explode any second. I hear a whimper make its way past my lips when we break apart for a moment to breathe. Then I reclaim his lips, deepening the kiss. It's intoxicating, like no other kiss I've ever experienced. On the other hand, I don't think I've ever been in love like this before either. Eventually, we do break apart, and I look into his eyes. I don't think I've seen eyes shine with that much love before. We're both grinning like fools, then he laughs a little and draw me to him, hugging me tightly. I snuggle to his chest, taking simple pleasure in his warmth. I can't help but be amazed by how natural this feels. How right it feels. Something that feels this right just can't be wrong. With my head pressed to his chest I hear him draw in a ragged breath. Surprised, I look up at him. His eyes are bright with tears but I've never seen him smile wider.
"I love you, Kathryn," he whispers.
I feel the tears well up in my eyes as well. It really was this simple. Why did I make things so complicated and hard for myself? I've been a fool. "I love you too, Chakotay," I whisper back. My grumbling stomach breaks the spell that seems to keep us standing there smiling at each other. We both laugh a little at the unexpected sound. I slap his gorgeous butt playfully, then let go of him. "So, what's for dinner?" I ask, winking at him.
nameless_ensign@hotmail.com
http://go.to/nameless_ensign