DEATHMATCH NUMBER ONE!
by me.
Whoa, wait a minute, I finished writing "Legendary" half an hour ago! Am I nuts?? HELL YEAH!!
Welcome, bacteria and germs, to DEATHMATCH NUMBER ONE!!
Link: WAZZZUP!!! I'm WasuperX Link, your co-host!
Neebs: And I'm Neebs, your co-host!
Poop on a pole: And I maybe some crap on a stick, but I'm also your ref for tonight!
WasuperX Link: You may have remembered us from Mystery Poke Theater 2000, and we're back for some crazy fights tonight!
Neebs: Yessiree, Joe! Our first match consist of two babes with guns, Joanna Dark and Serah Kerrigan! Non infested.
WasuperX Link: *is drooling all over himself* What? Oh, sorry. Our next match is one of my favorite caliburs, a CATFIGHT! We have Princess Peach vs. Princess Zelda! Now, this is a match!
Neebs: Proceeding that, is our good old friend Cody vs. all of Link's foil men! Now, that's a lot of foilmen, no?
WasperX: Ooh, I have thousands of foil men! The largest collection the WORLD! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAA!!!!!
Neebs: I'm sure you do. And who likes to rip them to shreds? Cody! This should be an interesting match.
WasuperX: Yessiree, Bob!
Neebs: Stop saying that. Ok, but, what's with the WasuperX? I thought you were Link.
WasuperX: Well, I'm WasuperX Link.
Neebs: Meaning?
WasuperX: Well, when my original Link got to be the star of this one Link, all my other Links got jealous.
Neebs: What other Links?
WasuperX: My other save files in Zelda. Each has their own name and personality. Some other ones are Willie, and, um, yeah that's it.
Neebs: What about your Mira file? Oooooohh!!!
WasuperX: SHUT UP ABOUT THE MIRA FILE!! YOU DO NOT DISS WASUPERX LIKE THAT!! WASUUUP!!
Neebs: Which goes along with each Link having its own personality.
WasuperX: Exactly. Now, isn't their something about a 4th match?
Neebs: Right. The winner of each match fights each other in this super-match.
WasperX: Awesome. K, here's our first match! Poop on a pole!
Poop on a pole: OK! In the Purple corner, we have some babe that tries to be sexy but really isn't, ladies and gentleman, welcom Jim Ranyor's gal, SERAH KERRIGAN FROM STARCRAFT!!
The crowd boos as the wannabe babe enters the ring. She fires her rifle and everyone shuts up.
Poop on a pole: And in the black corner, we have some hot babe with red hair and I won't go any further, JOANNA DARK FROM PERFECT DARK!
The crowd whistles a screams. Some guys with the letters H-O-T-S-T-U-F-F painted on their stomachs stand up.
Poop on a pole: LET THE MATCH BEGIN!
Jo immediately pulls out two cyclones and starts to try to blow Serah up. She quickly cloaks, and Jo can't see her.
Joanna: Coward!
She then realized that her guns have swirly things around them, and she can't fire.
Joanna: What did you do?
Neebs: What did Serah do, anyway.
WasuperX: Lockdown. Those guns are useless now.
Jo tries to pull out her dragon. Serah reads her mind, and pulls a lockdown on the dragon before anything can happen.
Joanna: AUGH! YOU *censoring courtesy of BLEEP, inc.*
Jo then goes for all different guns, but they keep getting Lockdowned. Jo is now defensless.
Joanna: I'M GONNA KICK YOUR *whoopsies*!!!
Suddenly, a red dot appears on Joanna's forehead.
Joanna: What the *bleep*??
Neebs: Oh, my god
WasuperX: Don't say she's
Poop on a pole: Is that a
*annoying voice*: Nuclear Launch Detected.
WasuperX: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! SHE'S NUKING!!
Neebs: AAUUUGGGGHHHHHH!
Everyone in the crowd runs out the door as fast as they can. Suddenly
KABOOOOM!!!!!!!
A nuke his the battlefield where former Joanna Dark was standing. The stadium blows up, and everything is destroyed. Serah decloaks, and says camly:
Serah: That's gotta hurt.
Neebs: Everyone alright?
WasuperX: WasuperX is always right! Don't question my athourity! WASUUP!
Neebs: Poop?
Poop on a pole: All but my leg. Hey, where did my leg go, anway? Here, leggy leggy leggy ah, there you are!
WasuperX: Well, since the ring is gone, we might as well have these matches outside on this beautiful, warm, sunny day!
As soon as that is said, huge cloud cover the sun, and it starts to snow really, really hard. After a few minutes, the snow was past everyone's ankles.
WasuperX: So, Neebs, you want to announce the start of the next match?
Neebs: Sure! Our next match
WasuperX: Shut up! Only the WasuperX can announce the next match! K, our next match is a catfight! And, man, do I LOVE catfights. Tee hee, their soo funny! K, Poopies, what we got?
Poop on a Pole: Ok, we got some serious fighting that's about to go on in this match. Be prepared for blood, gore, and some MAD hissy fit girls! In the blue corner, let's welcome Link's gal, is ready to shed some blood! PRINCESS ZELDA FROM THE ZELDA GAMES!
Neebs: Uh, P.O.A.P., don't you mean she will shed Peach's blood?
WasuperX: Don't question my athourity!
Neebs: I wasn't.
WasuperX: Yer pushin it, boy. Yer pushin it way to far.
Poop on a Pole: um, in the pink ring, the gal with the big dress that seems to have two titles, lets give a cheer for Mario's gal, PRINCESS PEACH FROM THE MARIO GAMES!
The fight starts quickly. Peach and Zelda circle around the ring, hissing at each other and showing their teeth.
WasuperX: This will be a bloody match, I'll tell you that, Neebie.
Neebs: Ooh, yeah. If you are under the age of 18, suffer from marrige, dating, pregnancy, heart failure, broken ribs, headache, nausea, bordom, insanity, gothic, or are over the age of 18, please do not watch this scene.
Peach lunges for Zelda's throat. She counters with a swipe from her claws across Peach's face. Zelda leaps at Peach, slashing every which way, striking across her arm and leaving a bloody mark. Peach tackles Zelda and bites her throat, tearing with her teeth, ripping out the skin and sucking on the jugular. Zelda, bleeding like crazy, flips over and lands on top of her, slashing with her nails at Peach's neck. She gets a few shots in, but soon Peach recovers and backflips over Zelda and landing nearby. This catches Zelda by surprise, and she didn't expect the swipe from Peach's claw, which landind right in the incision that she previously made in her throat. Peach moved her hand around inside Zelda's throat, poking holes from the inside out, and soon getting her other hand inside her throat. With a mighty shriek, Peach ripped open Zelda's throat completely, throwing blood everywhere. Zelda's head also flew off of her neck and into the crowd.
Poop on a Pole: I CAUGHT IT! I GOT ZELDA'S HEAD!
Peach started to dance around the blood-stained snowy ring, hissing and bearing her fangs. She then purred softly, curled up, and fell alseep.
WasuperX:
Neebs:
Poop on a pole: I GOT ZELDA'S HEAD!
WasuperX: I'm gonna be sick
Neebs: And I thought dissecting pigs was gross
WasuperX: I never dissected a Princess before, and I don't think I want to do it again *throws up*
Neebs: Well, for our last battle, we have ooh my stomach
WasuperX: Poop on a pole hit it
Poop on a pole: Weeeell, folks, Mr. X makes a foil man every day at lunch time. It is of the great pleasure of Cody here to mutilate and destroy them. Now he has his chance. But, can all billion of WasuperX's foil man destroy a hungry, revenous kid? Let's find out! In the blonde corner, I welcome you all, some crazy kid who knows how to make people spit root beer from their nose, CODY FROM HIS HOUSE!!!
The crowd is puzzled, and they scratch their heads, thinking, "who's Cody?"
Poop on a Pole: And in the silver corner, we have billions upon billions of small dude made out of foil, give a round of applause for WASUPERX'S FOIL MEN FROM HIS LUNCHBOX!!
The thousands of foil man fall on the ground, and lay there, motionless. Cody grins evilly at the thought of ripping them all to shreds. He approaches them slowly, but when he is a foot away, all the foil men stand up straight, all in even collums and rows, staring straight at Cody. He gulps, and looks around cautiosly.
Cody: They're just foil, Cody they can't hurt you
He dives into the pile and pulls off a head. Instantly, all the foil men jump on Cody, beating him with their tiny hands. Cody grabs any ramdom one, pulling off their heads and throwing them away. But the foil men were covering him completely.
Cody: ARRRGHHH!!! HOOOOAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!
WasuperX: Oh my sweet God! He's going into infernal rage mode!!
Cody throws the foilmen off his body and goes into a massive, killing, bloody rampage. Screaming and yelling, he tears every foilmen into little itty bitty pieces. When he is done, he stands over the foil men victorious, with foil dripping from his fangs.
WasuperX: Ooh, and I'm going to his house tonight Ah, well, at least I get to play his PS2.
Cody walks off the battle arena, snarling and growling at his enemies.
Cody: Arrghh, snargff, grrrrr, kllll, mmmmfrrrggg rrrrraugh! RAUGH!
WasuperX: Okees, folks, here it is, the end. It's all lead up to this. The bottom of the 9th. The score is 19 to 20. The edge of the cliff. This is the final battle.
Poop on a Pole: No need to reintroduce everyone, lets just kick some asses. Ready, go!
Cody runs back into the arena. Then, he realizes that he has to fight two girls twice his age.
Cody: What? Hey, one's a Princess, and the other one has protective armor with special abilities
Serah: Yeah, whatever, kid, just shut up and die.
She pulls out her gun to nuke, but nothing happens. No red dot or anything.
Serah: Hey, what the--? There's no nuke at the silo!
An SCV runs up.
SCV: Sorry, ma'am, it's coming. Should be here in about a month.
Serah: Augh! Why do those things take so long–
She is cut off as Peach starts to attack her with her claws. Serah's armor is too thick, and she can't break through it.
Peach: Hiss!! Rowww!!!
Suddenly, Peach climbs on top of Serah, and down the part of the armor where the head pokes out.
Neebs: I don't believe it! Peach is climbing into Serah's armor!
Peach successfully climbs into her suit.
WasuperX: Sweet Jesus! You can't fit two people in one of those!
Peach grabs Serah from inside her suit, and pulls her inside deeper into it. The suit shakes, and falls on the ground. Blood flies from the top of it. Cody, thinking quickly, grabs Serah's gun, and starts blasting away at the armor.
Cody: Hehehe! Sweet!
Then the armor suit expoles, and Peach and Serah are on top of each other, punching one another out. Cody is still shooting at them. After a bit, they both realize Cody is still there, and Peach lunges at him, her fangs bared. Suddenly, an object his Peach in the face, right before she can hit Cody, and Peach falls on the ground. Cody then realizes it was a spatula, and he picks it up, examines it, and looks to see who threw it.
Out in the distance
A shadowy figure stood atop a hill
His sillouhette seen be everyone at the fight
He ran down the hill and into the fight, joining in and whooping butt.
WasuperX: Well? Aren't you going to announce our visitor?
Poop on a Pole: *is dumbfounded* Um ladies and germs, welcome WasuperX's buddy author, give a cheer for LOCKE COLE OF FANFICTION.NET!
Locke runs up to Cody, and picks up the spatula he threw.
Locke: Thanks, man.
He then whacks Cody on the head with it, and he falls, too. Serah rolls under Locke's leg, and retrieves her gun. She fires, but Locke deflects it with his spatula. She keeps firing, but can't get a hit on Locke. Then Locke goes for the offense, and he throws his spatula right as Serah Kerrigan shoots. The bullet and spatula collide, and go back in oppisite directions. They both hit each other, and both fall down. Locke gets back up, shakes his head, and pulls out the spatula from his skull. Kerrigan took longer to recover, so Locke jumps in the air, does a triple backflip 720û spatula plunge, and comes down right on Serah's skull, and goes all the way through, with blood coming out everywhere. Locke stands triumphantly over her dead body, and raises his spatula above his head. Cody shakes his head and gets up, but a kick from Locke's boot knocks him out again.
WasuperX: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of Deathmatch Number One, Locke Huntsley!
The crowd cheers and whoops and screams, and Locke continues to hold his spatula above his head.
WasuperX: Well, folks, those certainly were some interesting matches. We got Kerrigan to nuke the stadium, Peach to rip off Zelda's head
Poop on a Pole: which I caught
WasuperX: SHUT UP! I'M THE ONE WHOSE TALKING RIGHT NOW! NOT YOU! Ahem. And we also Cody to go into infernal rage mode and kill my precious art. And in the end, Locke Huntsley unexpectedly came into to beat up some people with spatulas! Wow! Ok, folks, time to go and read my other great works of fiction. So, for now, I'm WasuperX Link!
Neebs: And I'm Neebie Beebie!
Poop on a Pole: And I'm the announcer!
WasuperX, Neebs, and Poop on a Pole: *all talking simeltaniously, creating a really dorky, creepy effect* And we'll see you next time in Deathmatch Number One 2!