I wonder if they noticed the difference in my behavior. I wonder if they cared. I was just Ken. Ken was just a toy. Why should you care when Ken starts acting different? It's not like it matters or anything.
I had a cold. When Omi had a cold, I made him soup and piled blankets on top of him. When Youji had a cold I went out and bought him some new Playboys. When Aya had a cold, I did all of everything, even working the shop. When I had a cold, they didn't notice and didn't care.
"Ken, would you make lunch?" Omi shouted outside my door. I hadn't come out of my room all day. What makes him think I'd want to now so that I can be his servant? I wasn't going to do it. Not today and not every again. I was a person, not their maid and it was time they started respecting me.
I got out of bed and left my room. The cloths I had worn the night before were still slightly damp and had dried against my skin. It felt strange to walk with my stiff jeans barely letting me move.
Omi was gone by the time I had made it to the kitchen. Probably at the shop or something. It didn't matter. What was I doing? I wasn't going to do this anymore. I couldn't control my hands as they put a pot onto the stove and put water in the pot. I could make ramen in my sleep, so when my body won't listen to my mind, I guess it goes to things I can do without really thinking.
I wanted out of my body. I wished I were a spirit, just wandering around with no dirty physical body to feel pain and anguish and worthlessness.
Aya walked into the kitchen whistling something cute and happy. At least someone was in a good mood. He sat down in one of the kitchen chairs and started putting his shoes and socks on.
"What happened to you?" He asked. He didn't really care. I think he was just a bit curious.
"Does it matter?"
"No, not really."
"Then why did you ask?"
He shrugged, "Just trying to start a conversation."
"You?" I laughed, "Why would you be trying to start a conversation with me?" I asked and sneezed before I continued chuckling.
"So what," he says, "One minute you tell me you're in love with me, then you sleep with our teammates and start mocking me?"
"Your teammates, Aya." I said, "Your teammates, not mine. I'm just the sex toy; remember? That's my only purpose. I'm not a real member of Weiss and I'm probably not a real member of Kritiker either so stop treating me like a child who needs to believe in Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny to feel special because I'm not a child, I don't need to be lied to, and I don't feel special because I'm not special, Aya," I was ranting again. "The Sunday school teachers tell you that everyone is special, well they're not. Omi is with his perky cuteness and innocent act. Youji is with his smoothness and class and all of that shit. You are because you're perfect and beautiful and amazing. I'm dirt. Enjoy your ramen."
I turned to leave. I couldn't handle this anymore. I had done it my entire life and now it was all catching up with me and all I wanted to do was curl up into a tiny ball and disappear.
"Ken, calm down," he said. That made me even angrier than I already was. I turned back to him and glared.
"Calm down?" I asked, "You want me to calm down after you insult my intelligence by trying to talk to me, then get angry at me for doing something I can't control and mock my feelings for you. I'm pissed off and downright suicidal so if I'm a little pissy, I'm not sorry."
Aya looked confused and asked, "What do you mean 'something you can't control'?"
"You think I want to have sex with anyone who tells me to? I don't have a choice, Aya. It's what I was born for and the only reason I'm here. If it weren't for this my father would've killed me years ago and if he didn't, Kritiker would've left me to die after the thing with Kase. Quite frankly, I'm kind of surprised I haven't killed myself yet."
He glared and had that icy fire gleaming in his eyes, "What do you mean 'yet'?"
I was indignant, "You think I can't do it? I will. Just wait. I'll do it when you least expect it. Probably after your sister wakes up, but before I meet her or anything."
He was growling at me now, "Why?"
"You need someone who loves you. I know you don't think that, but you do. Even if you don't love me back, I love you and that's enough for me. I just thought it would be nice to have someone who loves you. Everyone needs someone to love them."
He stared at me. He had that far away look in his eye that made him look incredibly attractive, but then again, Aya always looked incredibly attractive in an insanely annoying but enjoyable way.
"Who do you have?" I was hoping he wouldn't ask that, but he did.
I chuckled evilly because I felt like it, "I said everyone implying 'people'. I'm not a 'people', Aya. I'm slime. Slime doesn't deserve love. Slime just wonders through the Earth going through life full of pity and self-loathing. No one loves slime and if slime does love anyone, they just get mocked and laughed at."
By the time I had finished my little speech, my emotions had spilled out and my voice cracked as the tears began streaming down my cheeks. Everything hurt. My chest and heart ached. My muscles and head were throbbing. All I wanted to do was curl up into a tiny ball and die.
I crumpled to the floor and noticed Aya was staring at me with wide eyes. I tentatively raised my hand to my face and touched my cheek, feeling the wetness. And I started hating myself even more. I had never cried in front of anyone before and I didn't plan on ruining my record now.
"Stop crying," I whispered, but the tears wouldn't stop, "Come on, you stupid little slut, stop crying." Suddenly my words were no longer coming out of my mouth. They were my father's. He'd said them that day… "Stop crying, you fucking whore or I'll give you something to cry about. I said stop crying!"
My own hand came up and struck my across the face and I screamed. I couldn't stop it. I had lost control of my own body. I'd had flashbacks of my father killing my mother, then beating me into silence before, but I had never lost all of my control. Every time, I became the thing I hated most in the entire world, my father, and every time, I couldn't stop it.
At this point, I was slamming my own fist into my face time and again, screaming in agony because it hurt even more then when my father did it since I'm stronger than he ever was.
Then suddenly, Aya grabbed me around the waist and held me close to his chest so that I wasn't able to move. He'd knelt down on the floor next to me just so that he could hold me in his lap.
"Calm down, Ken. It's going to be alright."
"Don't touch me," I whispered, "Stop touching me. You'll get dirty. Just like Daddy," I was in some sort of trance, unable to stop the words from coming out of my mouth, "Daddy was dirty, just like me. Daddy killed Mommy and her red stuff got all over his hands. Then Daddy hit me because Mommy wouldn't get up. Daddy hurt me after that and he smelled bad. Red stuff and stuff from a brown bottle were everywhere. Some of the red stuff came out of my bottom after Daddy hurt me. I was so scared that I hid in my room until men dressed in blue made me come out. I didn't say a word to them because Daddy said that if I did he would hurt me again. Mommy never woke up…"
Then everything went black. I was so scared. Aya was staring down at me, his pretty purple eyes all wide. I wanted to disappear, but instead, Aya had disappeared, so it was alright. The question was what did Aya think of me now?
I had a cold. When Omi had a cold, I made him soup and piled blankets on top of him. When Youji had a cold I went out and bought him some new Playboys. When Aya had a cold, I did all of everything, even working the shop. When I had a cold, they didn't notice and didn't care.
"Ken, would you make lunch?" Omi shouted outside my door. I hadn't come out of my room all day. What makes him think I'd want to now so that I can be his servant? I wasn't going to do it. Not today and not every again. I was a person, not their maid and it was time they started respecting me.
I got out of bed and left my room. The cloths I had worn the night before were still slightly damp and had dried against my skin. It felt strange to walk with my stiff jeans barely letting me move.
Omi was gone by the time I had made it to the kitchen. Probably at the shop or something. It didn't matter. What was I doing? I wasn't going to do this anymore. I couldn't control my hands as they put a pot onto the stove and put water in the pot. I could make ramen in my sleep, so when my body won't listen to my mind, I guess it goes to things I can do without really thinking.
I wanted out of my body. I wished I were a spirit, just wandering around with no dirty physical body to feel pain and anguish and worthlessness.
Aya walked into the kitchen whistling something cute and happy. At least someone was in a good mood. He sat down in one of the kitchen chairs and started putting his shoes and socks on.
"What happened to you?" He asked. He didn't really care. I think he was just a bit curious.
"Does it matter?"
"No, not really."
"Then why did you ask?"
He shrugged, "Just trying to start a conversation."
"You?" I laughed, "Why would you be trying to start a conversation with me?" I asked and sneezed before I continued chuckling.
"So what," he says, "One minute you tell me you're in love with me, then you sleep with our teammates and start mocking me?"
"Your teammates, Aya." I said, "Your teammates, not mine. I'm just the sex toy; remember? That's my only purpose. I'm not a real member of Weiss and I'm probably not a real member of Kritiker either so stop treating me like a child who needs to believe in Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny to feel special because I'm not a child, I don't need to be lied to, and I don't feel special because I'm not special, Aya," I was ranting again. "The Sunday school teachers tell you that everyone is special, well they're not. Omi is with his perky cuteness and innocent act. Youji is with his smoothness and class and all of that shit. You are because you're perfect and beautiful and amazing. I'm dirt. Enjoy your ramen."
I turned to leave. I couldn't handle this anymore. I had done it my entire life and now it was all catching up with me and all I wanted to do was curl up into a tiny ball and disappear.
"Ken, calm down," he said. That made me even angrier than I already was. I turned back to him and glared.
"Calm down?" I asked, "You want me to calm down after you insult my intelligence by trying to talk to me, then get angry at me for doing something I can't control and mock my feelings for you. I'm pissed off and downright suicidal so if I'm a little pissy, I'm not sorry."
Aya looked confused and asked, "What do you mean 'something you can't control'?"
"You think I want to have sex with anyone who tells me to? I don't have a choice, Aya. It's what I was born for and the only reason I'm here. If it weren't for this my father would've killed me years ago and if he didn't, Kritiker would've left me to die after the thing with Kase. Quite frankly, I'm kind of surprised I haven't killed myself yet."
He glared and had that icy fire gleaming in his eyes, "What do you mean 'yet'?"
I was indignant, "You think I can't do it? I will. Just wait. I'll do it when you least expect it. Probably after your sister wakes up, but before I meet her or anything."
He was growling at me now, "Why?"
"You need someone who loves you. I know you don't think that, but you do. Even if you don't love me back, I love you and that's enough for me. I just thought it would be nice to have someone who loves you. Everyone needs someone to love them."
He stared at me. He had that far away look in his eye that made him look incredibly attractive, but then again, Aya always looked incredibly attractive in an insanely annoying but enjoyable way.
"Who do you have?" I was hoping he wouldn't ask that, but he did.
I chuckled evilly because I felt like it, "I said everyone implying 'people'. I'm not a 'people', Aya. I'm slime. Slime doesn't deserve love. Slime just wonders through the Earth going through life full of pity and self-loathing. No one loves slime and if slime does love anyone, they just get mocked and laughed at."
By the time I had finished my little speech, my emotions had spilled out and my voice cracked as the tears began streaming down my cheeks. Everything hurt. My chest and heart ached. My muscles and head were throbbing. All I wanted to do was curl up into a tiny ball and die.
I crumpled to the floor and noticed Aya was staring at me with wide eyes. I tentatively raised my hand to my face and touched my cheek, feeling the wetness. And I started hating myself even more. I had never cried in front of anyone before and I didn't plan on ruining my record now.
"Stop crying," I whispered, but the tears wouldn't stop, "Come on, you stupid little slut, stop crying." Suddenly my words were no longer coming out of my mouth. They were my father's. He'd said them that day… "Stop crying, you fucking whore or I'll give you something to cry about. I said stop crying!"
My own hand came up and struck my across the face and I screamed. I couldn't stop it. I had lost control of my own body. I'd had flashbacks of my father killing my mother, then beating me into silence before, but I had never lost all of my control. Every time, I became the thing I hated most in the entire world, my father, and every time, I couldn't stop it.
At this point, I was slamming my own fist into my face time and again, screaming in agony because it hurt even more then when my father did it since I'm stronger than he ever was.
Then suddenly, Aya grabbed me around the waist and held me close to his chest so that I wasn't able to move. He'd knelt down on the floor next to me just so that he could hold me in his lap.
"Calm down, Ken. It's going to be alright."
"Don't touch me," I whispered, "Stop touching me. You'll get dirty. Just like Daddy," I was in some sort of trance, unable to stop the words from coming out of my mouth, "Daddy was dirty, just like me. Daddy killed Mommy and her red stuff got all over his hands. Then Daddy hit me because Mommy wouldn't get up. Daddy hurt me after that and he smelled bad. Red stuff and stuff from a brown bottle were everywhere. Some of the red stuff came out of my bottom after Daddy hurt me. I was so scared that I hid in my room until men dressed in blue made me come out. I didn't say a word to them because Daddy said that if I did he would hurt me again. Mommy never woke up…"
Then everything went black. I was so scared. Aya was staring down at me, his pretty purple eyes all wide. I wanted to disappear, but instead, Aya had disappeared, so it was alright. The question was what did Aya think of me now?