~Long chapter to make up for the wait. Sorry it took so long. Enjoy! ^_^ ~
I woke up again. I'm certainly getting sick of waking up. I want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I hate life and I don't want it anywhere near me. That sucks when you work at a flower shop. You're constantly surrounded by life and all of it's beauty.
Aya was sitting mext to me in a chair, fast asleep. He looked so sweet and innocent, like he'd never felt pain or sorrow or betrayal, like human blood had never touched his hands, like he'd never taken a life. He was so beautiful, I wanted to grasp his beauty and wrap in my arms so that it was all mine and no one would ever take it away from me. And I hated myself for it.
Everyone always takes things away from me anyway. Everything that's supposed to be mine, someone took away; my virginity, my innocense, my heart, my dignity, practically everything that truly mattered except my life.
And that was the only one I didn't want.
I carefully pulled the IV needle out of my arm and threw it. I practically ripped off the heart monitor sensor. The stupid thing flat-lined and rang out loudly, waking up Aya and causing some doctors to run over.
"Ken." Aya said flatly. I didn't look at him. I refused to look at him. I didn't want to see him and I didn't want him to see me.
"Mr. Hidaka, you could have just calle for a nurse," one obviously annoyed doctor said as the others left. He started to look me over. I glared at him.
"Don't touch me," I whispered when he put his hand on my neck to check my pulse. He looked startled and a little frightened by the hatred and venom in my voice. I sounded like Satan himself in the Garden of Eden. And it made me happy. Finally, people could tell how I felt instead of me filling their world with false smiles and fake words of comfort or compassion. I'm not cute little Kenken. I'm me.
But who is me? Someone I don't like, let me tell you that. I hate myself. I hate myself because I'm weak and in pain and I'm sick of pretending to be strong and hiding all of the angst, hatred, and loathing writhing inside my heart.
I hate Ken Hidaka.
The doctor had been talking to me and checking me over. He said something about sending a nurse to change my bandages and left. I noticed the look of sympathy and lust that he gave Aya who didn't seem to notice. I decided to kill that doctor.
"How are you feeling?" Aya asked. I still refused to look at him. I didn't speak as he sighed angrily at my silence.
We sat there in the empty, sound-less hospital room. I didn't move. I didn't want to. If you stayed still long enough, you would eventually die of something. You could die of anything from not moving. You could die of starvation, dehydration, suffica-
"I'm sorry," Aya said softly, so soft tht I wouldn't have heard it if the room hadn't been completely silent. "I didn't mean to be so callous. I was rude and unthoughtful for me to be so blantantly insulted when you were obviously emotionally unstable. Please except my apology-"
"Would you stop talking like a fucking high school text book? I don't give a flying fuck. I don't ever want to see you again, you arrogant incestuous necrophiliac!"
Aya's eyes grew wide and I never saw his hand coming. It struck my cheek and I glared at him.
"What?! Are you mad, you disgusting pedophile?! Are you shocked that I can use long words and I'm not as stupid as everyone thought?! Do you hate me? Do you think I'm a dirty, disgusting whore that needs to be eliminated from existance like the rest of them? That's what they think, Aya. I'm not worht the cost of my shoelaces. They all hate me. Do you, Aya? Or are you a happy little individual? You're a conformist, Aya Fujimaya. You believe what they tell you to and you feel how they tell you to feel and you think what they tell you to think! You're a disgusting little toy just like me, Aya? How does it feel?"
And there's my rant for the day. It happened so often now. I would start rambling on about how I felt and once I let just a little out, it all flowed out of me like poking a needle into a water-balloon.
His eyes grew wide and I knew I'd hit something. It made me continue, though a little calmer this time.
"Do you see now, Abyssian? Do you recognize the pain of being used? How it feels like to be played a toy car? What its like to be me? Imagine it, Aya. Can you imagine multiplying that feeling and having it there constantly every single waking moment? That's what it feels like to be cute little innocent Kenken."
"I know how it feels to be used, Ken. You used me just two days ago, remember? You used me as a way of getting sympathy. I don't know why you did it, but you did and yes, I hate you, but not because I was told to. I hate you because you want me to. I think you want me to feel some sort of emotion for you and if it's love or hate, it doesn't really make a difference, does it?"
"What the hell do you know?! Did your father hate you? Did your mother think you were a pathetic slut? Did the only person you ever thought loved you betray and try to kill you? Did the only person you ever wanted to love you tell you they hated you? No, they didn't, Aya. Your parents are dead, but they loved you. Your sister's in a coma, but she loves you. There's three people, Aya, that love you more than anything else in the world and you take that for granted! They would do anything just so you would be happy because they love you!
"What's it like having everyone you know hate you? You don't know, Aya. You don't know shit so don't you dare start accusing me off bullshiting you. I never wanted anyone to know about what happened twelve years ago, but you just had to find out because I had an emotional breakdown. You're the only one in the world that knows the truth other than me and my father and if you just want to believe what he wants you to, I'll kindly ask you to go fuck yourself," I said all of this in the coldest but most emotion-filled voice I'd ever used. I think Aya was surprised. I kept surprising him more and more and he was finally finding out that there's a shit load of layers to Ken Hidaka that don't meet the eye.
He opened his mouth to say something, but someone knocked on the door, interrupting him.
"Mr. Hidaka?" a timid nurse asked, stepping in nervously, " I'm sorry to bother you, but you have another guest,"she stepped aside to allow the other man in and left. I froze the second I saw him. He stood there, his face expressionless, his eyes emotionless, his hair streaked with gray, but there was no denying who it was.
I screamed at the top of my lungs.
I woke up again. I'm certainly getting sick of waking up. I want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I hate life and I don't want it anywhere near me. That sucks when you work at a flower shop. You're constantly surrounded by life and all of it's beauty.
Aya was sitting mext to me in a chair, fast asleep. He looked so sweet and innocent, like he'd never felt pain or sorrow or betrayal, like human blood had never touched his hands, like he'd never taken a life. He was so beautiful, I wanted to grasp his beauty and wrap in my arms so that it was all mine and no one would ever take it away from me. And I hated myself for it.
Everyone always takes things away from me anyway. Everything that's supposed to be mine, someone took away; my virginity, my innocense, my heart, my dignity, practically everything that truly mattered except my life.
And that was the only one I didn't want.
I carefully pulled the IV needle out of my arm and threw it. I practically ripped off the heart monitor sensor. The stupid thing flat-lined and rang out loudly, waking up Aya and causing some doctors to run over.
"Ken." Aya said flatly. I didn't look at him. I refused to look at him. I didn't want to see him and I didn't want him to see me.
"Mr. Hidaka, you could have just calle for a nurse," one obviously annoyed doctor said as the others left. He started to look me over. I glared at him.
"Don't touch me," I whispered when he put his hand on my neck to check my pulse. He looked startled and a little frightened by the hatred and venom in my voice. I sounded like Satan himself in the Garden of Eden. And it made me happy. Finally, people could tell how I felt instead of me filling their world with false smiles and fake words of comfort or compassion. I'm not cute little Kenken. I'm me.
But who is me? Someone I don't like, let me tell you that. I hate myself. I hate myself because I'm weak and in pain and I'm sick of pretending to be strong and hiding all of the angst, hatred, and loathing writhing inside my heart.
I hate Ken Hidaka.
The doctor had been talking to me and checking me over. He said something about sending a nurse to change my bandages and left. I noticed the look of sympathy and lust that he gave Aya who didn't seem to notice. I decided to kill that doctor.
"How are you feeling?" Aya asked. I still refused to look at him. I didn't speak as he sighed angrily at my silence.
We sat there in the empty, sound-less hospital room. I didn't move. I didn't want to. If you stayed still long enough, you would eventually die of something. You could die of anything from not moving. You could die of starvation, dehydration, suffica-
"I'm sorry," Aya said softly, so soft tht I wouldn't have heard it if the room hadn't been completely silent. "I didn't mean to be so callous. I was rude and unthoughtful for me to be so blantantly insulted when you were obviously emotionally unstable. Please except my apology-"
"Would you stop talking like a fucking high school text book? I don't give a flying fuck. I don't ever want to see you again, you arrogant incestuous necrophiliac!"
Aya's eyes grew wide and I never saw his hand coming. It struck my cheek and I glared at him.
"What?! Are you mad, you disgusting pedophile?! Are you shocked that I can use long words and I'm not as stupid as everyone thought?! Do you hate me? Do you think I'm a dirty, disgusting whore that needs to be eliminated from existance like the rest of them? That's what they think, Aya. I'm not worht the cost of my shoelaces. They all hate me. Do you, Aya? Or are you a happy little individual? You're a conformist, Aya Fujimaya. You believe what they tell you to and you feel how they tell you to feel and you think what they tell you to think! You're a disgusting little toy just like me, Aya? How does it feel?"
And there's my rant for the day. It happened so often now. I would start rambling on about how I felt and once I let just a little out, it all flowed out of me like poking a needle into a water-balloon.
His eyes grew wide and I knew I'd hit something. It made me continue, though a little calmer this time.
"Do you see now, Abyssian? Do you recognize the pain of being used? How it feels like to be played a toy car? What its like to be me? Imagine it, Aya. Can you imagine multiplying that feeling and having it there constantly every single waking moment? That's what it feels like to be cute little innocent Kenken."
"I know how it feels to be used, Ken. You used me just two days ago, remember? You used me as a way of getting sympathy. I don't know why you did it, but you did and yes, I hate you, but not because I was told to. I hate you because you want me to. I think you want me to feel some sort of emotion for you and if it's love or hate, it doesn't really make a difference, does it?"
"What the hell do you know?! Did your father hate you? Did your mother think you were a pathetic slut? Did the only person you ever thought loved you betray and try to kill you? Did the only person you ever wanted to love you tell you they hated you? No, they didn't, Aya. Your parents are dead, but they loved you. Your sister's in a coma, but she loves you. There's three people, Aya, that love you more than anything else in the world and you take that for granted! They would do anything just so you would be happy because they love you!
"What's it like having everyone you know hate you? You don't know, Aya. You don't know shit so don't you dare start accusing me off bullshiting you. I never wanted anyone to know about what happened twelve years ago, but you just had to find out because I had an emotional breakdown. You're the only one in the world that knows the truth other than me and my father and if you just want to believe what he wants you to, I'll kindly ask you to go fuck yourself," I said all of this in the coldest but most emotion-filled voice I'd ever used. I think Aya was surprised. I kept surprising him more and more and he was finally finding out that there's a shit load of layers to Ken Hidaka that don't meet the eye.
He opened his mouth to say something, but someone knocked on the door, interrupting him.
"Mr. Hidaka?" a timid nurse asked, stepping in nervously, " I'm sorry to bother you, but you have another guest,"she stepped aside to allow the other man in and left. I froze the second I saw him. He stood there, his face expressionless, his eyes emotionless, his hair streaked with gray, but there was no denying who it was.
I screamed at the top of my lungs.