We all know that following the manga, after the Kyoto Arc of Rurouni Kenshin ended, the Revenge Arc began. But believe it or not, there is actually another story arc set in between...
Rurouni Kenshin Unofficial Story Arc: Teakettle of the Deities
It's unofficial because Kenshin & co. were way too embarrassed to let Jump or Sony release it.
During the 11^th year of the Meiji Era, three figures were seen in a small boat in the middle of the vast expanse of the Sea of Japan. The rays of the hot sun beat down on them, and the cries of circling sea birds above could be heard. And also...
"COME BACK HERE YOU STUPID F---ING BIRD!!!" yelled one of the figures waving a fist in the air. A tall man with untidy dark brown spiky hair held back by a bandanna and wearing a jacket with the kanji for evil on his back, he cursed vehemently while shaking his fist at the departing bird and wiping at his hair with a cloth. The boat started to rock quite violently.
"S--Sanosuke! Calm down! You're going to upset the boat!" a girl with her hair tied in a high ponytail said while gripping the edges of the boat.
"I'll take care of this Kaoru," said a young woman with carefully painted lips. She promptly used a large box with a number of tiny drawers in it to hit Sano over the head violently.
"Owww!!! That hurt you vixen!" snapped Sano.
"Megumi..."said Kaoru. Megumi just smirked.
Sano groaned and rubbed his head. "Tell me again...why the hell are we here anyway?"
"Because..." Megumi started.
A week ago...
It was raining heavily outside the dojo. Every now and then, there was a flash of lightning followed by crash of thunder. Kenshin and Sano sat in the training hall, playing a round of shogi. Sano looked bored and was clearly losing. Kenshin was his normal cheerful self.
There was a knock on the shoji door.
"Oro?" said Kenshin. "Now who could that be?" He went to answer the door. Sano followed, yawning.
A flash of lightning illuminated the moment Kenshin slid open the door. The ominous figure of an elderly man holding a jangling staff with large rings on it was outlined.
"A wandering priest," murmured Sano to Kenshin.
"May I help you?" asked Kenshin.
The priest banged his staff on the floor and the rings jangled. There was another flash of lightning and a crash of thunder. "Are you the one they call Himura Battousai?" he asked in a deep, mysterious voice.
Kenshin's eyes widened and his hand strayed unconsciously to the hilt of his sakabatou. "Who are you? What do you want?" asked Kenshin carefully. Sano had dropped into a loose fighting stance.
The man smiled. "Are you the one they call Battousai?" he asked again.
"I was," admitted Kenshin slowly.
"Hey! Get to the point! What do you think you're doing barging in and asking a question like that?" growled Sano.
"Very well." The man extended his palm. "I have a deep set hatred for Battousai. For the crimes he committed towards me during the Bakumatsu, I shall punish him!"
There was a bright flash of light and added to the effect was a loud crash of thunder. Then the light cleared. The priest lowered his arm, smirking. "Justice is done," he said.
Where Kenshin had once stood, now sat a roughly human-sized, round, crimson colored giant teakettle. There was a strange X shaped scratch on the left side of the kettle. Kenshin's sakabatou lay on the ground beside it.
"Oro? Oro? Ororo?" Kenshin's voice came from the spout with some steam. Sano stared at it wide-eyed with a few sweat drops. "K--Ke--Kenshin?"
"All of a sudden I have an irresistible urge to go make some tea, de gozaru," Kenshin stated, brightly. Sano crash face-faulted.
"Hey! You! Priest--" Sano yelled. Then he stopped. The priest was gone.
The rain lessened and stopped with a rumble of faraway thunder. As the fresh smell of after rain filled the air, cicadas began to sing. In the 11^th year of the Meiji era--
Sano blinked. "Hey, Kenshin...Kenshin! What the heck are you doing?!"
--after the unrecorded fight with Shishio Makoto, the one that they called Himura Battousai went to make some boiling hot tea in himself.
Sano crash face-faulted.
And so the story continues...
"Th--that's Kenshin?!' asked Kaoru incredulously with bulging eyes while pointing a finger at the giant teakettle behind Sano.
"Hi, Miss Kaoru!" spouted the crimson teakettle cheerfully.
Sano glanced at the teakettle apprehensively. "Yeah, it's him alright..."
"Are you sure? It's not just Kenshin dressed up in a teakettle suit, is it?" said Yahiko, lifting the lid and peering into teakettle. "Oro?" mumbled Kenshin. A cloud of water vapor and the aroma of tea rose to greet them.
"No, it isn't" said Sano firmly.
Megumi seemed to consider this for a moment and strode over to where Sano was sitting and hit him over the head with her large box.
"Hey! That hurt vixen! What didcha do that for?!" snapped Sano.
"How could you just standby and let Kenshin be turned into a teakettle?!" said Megumi. "Ken-san as a teakettle could be useful though..." she mused. "But how could you let him be changed into a teakettle?"
"It wasn't my fault!"
The duo start bickering.
Kenshin-teakettle hopped over to where Kaoru was sitting. Leaning over her shoulder he asked, with a little puff of steam, "More tea?"
Kaoru clenched her fists and gritted her teeth angrily. A red-hot aura of ki surrounded her. "HOW can you joke at a time like this?!" she yelled and started bashing Kenshin with a shinnai.
"Oro? Oroororo..."
"Am I the only sane one around here?" muttered Yahiko with large sweat drops present all over his head, watching the scene.
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of red light and the ceiling of the dojo splintered in a shower of wood.
"GET down!" yelled Sano. He threw himself at Megumi shielding her with his body. Kenshin's built in reflexes automatically did the same to Kaoru...except that being a teakettle with a hard metallic body instead of a softer human one--he flattened her instead. Also, spilling the hot tea he was carrying on her didn't help matters much either.
"Oh, Miss Kaoru! I'm so sorry!" said Kenshin frantically. "Are you feeling okay?"
A hard bash of the shinnai on the spout answered him perfectly.
"Get off me!" said Megumi pushing Sano off with a grunt.
"Hey! I just saved you there!"
The whole roof of the dojo had been reduced to splinters and charred wood. Yahiko looked up from under the table to see what seemed to be a large treasure boat floating in the night sky. A head poked out of the edge of the boat and yelled: "Hey! We found it! The legendary Giant Teakettle of the Deities!"
"Oro?"
Several ropes flew out of the boat and secured themselves around Kenshin. With a lurch, he was yanked into the boat. "Oro?! Oroororo???"
"KENSHIN!" yelled Kaoru.
"Kenshin!" said Yahiko.
"Ken-san!" yelled Megumi.
"What's the big idea?!" yelled Sano shaking a fist at the boat. "Give him back!"
A guy who looked amazingly like Saitou but with hair like Chou poked his head out from the edge of the boat. "I am afraid I cannot do that. He is ours!" stated the man.
Everyone's eyes bulged out. "Saitou Hajime?!" they said incredulously.
"What's with the broom head?" asked Sano.
"I am NOT Saitou Hajime! Everyone always gets that mixed up!" snapped the man. "And your hair isn't much better rooster-head!" He flicked open a fan. The boat was now low enough to the ground for them to see at least half of the man's body. He was wearing Chinese robes and surrounded by several beautiful and elaborately dressed Chinese girls and a few armored soldiers. Striking a dramatic pose on the edge of the boat with one hand on his hips, he said, "From the dark and mysterious mist covered provinces of central China, there lies the beautiful and ancient temple known as the Teahouse of the Deities. The temple's past is glorious indeed, its history rich in culture. We for many generations have served the best tea to the Emperor in the Forbidden City and also offered it to the Deities. I am Tie San, the head warrior and Captain of the first regiment of the Teahouse Guards. My regiment and I have journeyed far and wide over great mountains wide rivers and vast oceans--Oi!
WAKE UP!"
Everyone stretched and yawned.
"You shouldn't give such a longwinded speech," advised Megumi, sprouting fox ears. "In my experience as a doctor, it is an effective insomnia cure."
"So what!"
"Somebody tell me what is going on here..." said Yahiko. "Why do you guys want to kidnap a big teapot?"
Tie San glowered at him. "I was JUST getting to that." He took a deep breath and continued. "We at the Deities' Teahouse, boil our tea in an ancient giant teakettle...but unfortunately long centuries of use have finally brought upon the horror of horrors on the day the Great Teakettle leaked!"
Tie San struck a sad dramatic pose. In the background, several Chinese maidens wept. "We the first regiment of the Teahouse Guards have been given the honor to be chosen to undertake the quest to find another teakettle to take the place of the Great Teakettle. My regiment and I have journeyed far and wide over--"
"Get to the point," interrupted Sano.
An image of fried rooster formed in Tie San's mind. He licked his lips and continued: "Ancient Teahouse legend has it that when the old Kettle leaks, another Great Teakettle will arise, to take the place of the old one.
"And we've found it!" He extended his hand towards Kenshin with a flourish. The beautiful and sexy Chinese maidens sighed and collapsed around Kenshin, fondling him.
"Oro?!" Kenshin's teakettle lid almost fell off. A big woosh of steam came out of his spout. "Oro..." he repeated. Even in teakettle-state, Kenshin managed to look nervous and panicky. The crimson color of what should have been his skin turned an even brighter red. "Oro, oro, oro, roooo..." If he had been human, Kenshin would have had a major nosebleed.
"Raging hormones," said Yahiko, nodding sagely. "It must be hard to say anything else when he's in the grip of the ancient primordial mating call--"
Kaoru punched Yahiko in the face. "KENSHIN!" she roared glowing in red ki with anger and jealousy. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"
"Way to go Kenshin!" cheered Sano. "You still manage to attract girls with a potbelly! Things are looking good for your old age buddy!"
"Oro..." If Kenshin had been human he would have drowned in his own blood by now. The fact that some of the maidens were wearing the Yumi-style slipping kimono fashion didn't help.
Tie San bowed and snapped his fan closed. `I'm afraid I have to part company with you now. The call of the Teahouse awaits!"
The boat started to rise into the night sky. "Kenshin!" they all yelled in unison. The only answer they got was a faraway confused oro.
"Follow that boat!" yelled Sano. But the boat had disappeared into the black night.
Two days later...
"This is all you could get?" said Megumi looking down at a puny and rickety excuse for a rowboat. Painted on its side were the characters: `Prid of Japan'. "And isn't it supposed to say `Pride' not `Prid'?
"We're short on funds you know. THIS is the best bargain," said Sano defensively. "At least it doesn't leak."
"But this'll only fit three of us," said Yahiko. "And we're all going to China to rescue Kenshin."
"I guess someone's going to have to get left behind..." said Kaoru.
"Or swim," finished Sano. Instantly, all heads swiveled to Yahiko's direction, white, sparkling, evil smiles visible on their faces which, were obscured by sudden shadows. "What?" Yahiko asked suspiciously.
"Well, it'll be good training," said Kaoru.
"The boy must learn to be a man," declared Sano.
"If you drown I'll chip in for your funeral," promised Megumi.
"What? What are you guys talking about?" demanded Yahiko even more apprehensively. Then it struck him. "You want me to swim to China?!" he yelled.
"Either that or get left behind. There's not enough room for four people. We'll sink," said Kaoru. "It would help if you and Sanosuke didn't stuff your stomachs so much."
"Look who's talking, you old hag!" Yahiko narrowed his eyes, doing a perfectly good imitation of Kenshin's Battousai glare at Sano. "Why don't you ask him to swim instead? He weighs more than I do!"
"Because we need someone with a lot brute strength and high endurance--"
"And little mentality," added Megumi.
"Hey!" protested Sano.
"--to row the boat," answered Kaoru. "That way we'll get to China faster. And we also need Megumi to treat wounds so don't start on her."
Yahiko glared at Kaoru and pointed at her with his shinnai. "Why don't you swim then? I don't see what you're good for!"
Kaoru glared back at him. "Because I am your teacher and I say so!" She hit him over the head with her bokken.
And thus the long journey began...
"Onward to China!" yelled Sano, waving an oar in the air.
"Be quiet and row! We're going the wrong way!" snapped Megumi. "I'm not going to end up lost like you when you tried to go to Kyoto!"
And now, five days later in the middle of the salty Sea of Japan...
"I wonder how that boat managed to fly anyway," mused Kaoru aloud.
"Hot air bal1oons," answered Sano.
"Huh?"
"Hot air balloons," repeated Sano. "State-of-the-art technology from the Seinan War. Although they must have altered the principles a bit in order to carry something as heavy as that boat."
"Oh...hey, I just realized...won't it take a very, very long time for us to row to China?" said Kaoru suddenly.
A sudden silence, as the group pondered that thought.
"Maybe if rooster-head rows fast it'll take a month," said Megumi.
"Um--what about food?" asked Sano. "We only brought enough to last like...five days...ago."
"What? It's gone?!" cried Megumi and Kaoru. "It would have lasted longer if you didn't stuff your face all the time!" they yelled, hitting him.
"Maybe we can catch fish..."suggested Sano.
"HELP!" came Yahiko's sudden cry from far behind. "SHARK!"
Kaoru sniffed. "What does that brat think he's trying to pull? Everybody knows that there are no sharks in the Sea of Japan."
"SHARK!" screamed Yahiko again, trashing wildly in the water with his shinnai, as if trying to beat something off. "AAAAAAAHHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MONSTER!!! KAORU, HELP!!!"
"Ignore him," huffed Kaoru.
"The panic in his voice sounds almost real," observed Megumi.
Like a small geyser, a jet of water abruptly appeared in the middle of the boat.
"It's leaking...?" said Sano, with a puzzled expression.
Being small, the `Prid of Japan' rapidly filled up with water.
*
"I can't believe the fox lady doesn't know how to swim! Even jou-chan can swim!" said Sano to Megumi.
Spitting water out of her mouth and with her arms unwillingly clasped over Sano's shoulders she answered rather vehemently, "Medical practice leaves little time for things like that."
" `Things like that' can save your life," admonished Sano.
" `Things like that' wouldn't have been needed if your boat hadn't sunk! You said it didn't leak!"
"That's what the guy who sold it to me said!"
"It's just like a brainless moron like you to get cheated!"
"Will you two stop arguing?" growled Kaoru. It's giving me a headache and my legs are already tired!"
"I wouldn't feel so bad tempered if the vixen wasn't so heavy!"
"What did you say?!"
"SHARK!" Yahiko's cry for help increased the gathered tension.
"Will you stop that!" yelled Kaoru. "This is not the right time for a joke!"
"It is NOT a joke, you stupid old hag!" Yahiko almost shrieked. By now he had almost caught up with them and was only about five meters away. "Look!" He held up a battered shinnai with at least half of it missing. "That thing must have a hide of steel and it ate my shinnai!"
Kaoru was about to give another angry retort when the head of Jaws erupted out of the water in front of her. It looked big enough to swallow all of Shishio's Ten Swords, including the giant Fuji, and still have room for desert. Strangely though, its face looked a little underfed its cheeks caved in a little.
They all stared at it in shocked silence for a while and then..."ARRRRRRGH!!! SHARK!" they all screamed as one.
The shark gave them a malicious grin. Surprisingly it spoke. "I am the legendary demon shark who haunts the Ten Thousand Underwater Pagodas of Stone. I devour whoever passes into my territory! I have done so for ten thousand years and shall do so for another ten thousand more! Mua, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!"
Sano immediately looked mad. "That's what you think!" He held up a fist to the shark. "I'd like you to go ahead and try and eat me, you freak!"
"Idiot!" said Megumi.
The shark's grin grew wider. "Invitation accepted!" it cried. Immediately, it leapt out of the water, and came down directly at Sano and Megumi's heads. Fangs brown with old blood showed in its stark horror.
Megumi involuntarily gave a little scream and tightened her grip on Sano.
"FUTAE NO KIWAMI!" yelled Sano, delivering that amazingly powerful the punch taught to him by Yuukyuuzan Anji of the Ten Swords. The demon shark was thrown in back flip far, far, far, away to land back into the water with a gigantic splash which actually caused an enormous tidal wave and made some people living on the nearby coast of Japan instantly homeless.
Sano's eyes were narrowed, scanning the dark water for any signs of the shark.
"Is--is it gone?" asked Kaoru in a stunned voice. During the attack, she'd been too petrified to even scream.
"I think so..." said Yahiko. He looked at Kaoru. "Frozen with fear, again, huh, `adjutant master'? You're really pathetic."
"Shut up!"
Megumi opened her eyes and immediately hit Sano on the head. Hard. "You could have gotten us all killed, you bakayaro!"
Sano looked annoyed and shook his head. "Wouldn't make a difference," he answered. "He'd have tried to eat us anyway, provoked or not. If I hadn't made him go after me first, he'd probably grab the nearest person--jou-chan and Yahiko. Since I'm stronger, I stand a better chance at killing that thing...whatever it was." Sano blinked. "Hey, that thing kinda looked like Saitou Hajime, didn't it?"
"Say, you're right..."chorused Yahiko and Kaoru. "Weird..."
Megumi lowered her eyes. Her gaze fell on something. "Sanosuke--your hand! You big idiot! I told you not to use the Futae no whatever--your hand hasn't healed from the Kyoto fight!" She reached out and pulled his hand out of the water. The already bandaged hand looked worse than broken, bleeding from several places.
"It's nothing," he scoffed. "The shark was harder than I thought that's all. I've taken worse--YEEEOWW! Watch it vixen! That hurt!"
"Uh huh, definitely broken again," said Megumi. "We're going to have to do som--"
The looming head of Jaws reappeared again with a spray of water, throwing a ton of seaweed and fish over them. It looked mad and there was a large dent in the middle of its face. It looked like Saitou with his face caved in.
"It takes more than a mere punch to kill the demon shark!" it roared. "Now you shall all die!" Its giant maw opened, showing again the fangs brown with old blood in its stark horror.
And then its mouth got run over by a speeding battleship, which also broke all the fangs brown with old blood, which had showed in their stark horror.
In the Rengoku II...
"Lord Aoshi! I think we just ran over something!"
Aoshi shrugged. "In the sea? Nonsense," he muttered in a distracted tone.
"Maybe it was just a big fish," suggested Misao to the seaman.
Another man appeared at the doorway of the bridge. "Lord Aoshi! Come quick!" cried the man in a panicky voice. "Some ugly, foul smelling, horrible sea monsters just climbed aboard!"
Four seaweed and mud covered figures pounded the man to the floor. "Who're you calling a foul smelling sea monster?!"
Misao blinked. "Kaoru? Yahiko? Rooster-head? And Takani Megumi? What are you all doing here?"
"What's all this?" said Okina bursting into the bridge, his beribboned beard waggling. "Lord Aoshi, Misao, what is going on?
Aoshi did not seem to notice Okina and was intently staring into something he held in his hand.
"Kaoru and the others just climbed aboard..." said Misao slowly. The dirty foursome smiled and waved in a friendly manner.
Okina wrinkled up his nose. "Go take a bath. You smell like rotten fish."
Two hours later, on the deck of the Rengoku II...
"...and that is why we are on our way to China," finished Kaoru, recounting her tale of Kenshin's kidnapping and their misadventures so far.
"Wow..." said Misao in an awed voice. "That's really hard to believe..."
Large flocks of seagulls circled the battleship. Sano regarded them suspiciously. His right hand had been re-bandaged by Megumi sometime ago and was now resting lightly on his hip. Some of the birds even landed on the railing and the deck. Sano frowned and glared at them. They did not decline to take notice of him, though.
Aoshi did not seem to have heard a word that Kaoru said. He was standing a little way away from them and was leaning against the railing. His pale, beautiful serious face was busy staring out into the sea, while his right hand kept on smoothing his luxuriant jet-black his hair. Every now and then, he would mutter something too soft for the rest of the group to hear.
"A temple known as the Teahouse of the Deities?" frowned Okina. "They sound familiar..." The old man snapped is fingers. "I've got it! The Teahouse lies on top of a high mountain, in the one of the most desolate, almost forgotten and foggy depths of central China. To get to the mountain is dangerous, very dangerous indeed..."
"To rescue Kenshin, I'll brave any danger," responded Kaoru and Megumi simultaneously. "Hey! That was my line!" they snapped together.
"Hmmm...very, very dangerous, indeed," repeated Okina. He closed his eyes and breathed in the fresh salty sea air deeply...and choked as he nearly inhaled a seagull flying in front of his face.
Sano looked at Okina and snapped his fingers. An idea sign zoomed off the tips of his fingers at the same time. "A conspiracy," he whispered to Yahiko. "These might seem like ordinary birds, but watch out. They're out to get us." Yahiko large sweat dropped.
"Only an idiot like you would think so," said Megumi overhearing him.
"Well, you're not one of the birds' victims!" snapped Sano. Then turning to Okina who was busy coughing out some grayish feathers, he asked suspiciously, "How do you know all about that Teahouse temple?" The seabird he had almost sucked into his lungs hovered around him and squawking angrily.
"Because we're going too," replied Okina, trying to wave off the bird.
"Huh? Why?" asked the group together, surprised.
Okina smirked and pointed at Misao with a thumb. "Ask her." Then he started laughing. The seagull took that moment to score a peck on the forehead.
"Will you stop that!" said Misao hotly. "Lord Aoshi falling in love is nothing to laugh about!"
"Aoshi's in love?" The group blinked.
"I thought that he was acting kind of strange," said Kaoru turning to look in Aoshi's direction. The current Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu was staring dreamily out to sea, his mysterious dark, eyes, normally cold as ice shards, were now clouded over, as if seeing something very, very faraway, in his own world.
"Well, I guess might be good for him," commented Sano. "He ain't so gloomy anymore by the looks of it."
Yahiko slapped Misao on the back. "Awww, cheer up. Shinomori Aoshi's not the only man in the world, you know. I'm sure you'll meet a better man someda--ugh!"
Misao removed her elbow from Yahiko's stomach. She gave Yahiko an angry look, which resembled a dangerous predator grinning. "Why is it that when I say Lord Aoshi's in love, you immediately assume that it isn't with me?!" snarled Misao, shaking Yahiko violently.
"B--because h--h--he's n--not--t leh--le--ooking at you," said Yahiko, his teeth clacking against one another brutally.
"Oh...right..." Misao dropped Yahiko.
"Misao, who is Lord Aoshi in love with?" asked Kaoru gently. "What happened?"
Misao's eyes suddenly flooded with tears. "It's all my fault! He--he's..." she sobbed. "He's in love... HE'S IN LOVE WITH HIMSELF!"
There was a deep silence except for Okina's barely muffled snickers and the irate cries of the bird circling his head.
"Waita minute," said Sano slowly. "Did you say that Shinomori Aoshi's in love with himself?"
Misao nodded tearfully. Everyone turned to look at Aoshi as he suddenly yanked out a mammoth size hand mirror from the mysterious recesses of his trench coat. To the enormous shock of the everyone but Okina and Misao, who just started crying more anyway, dark, gloomy, ice cold Aoshi began spouting some very bad poetry:
"Ah ~ I shall be with you forever,
The person with eyes of hard steel and very black hair,
Which is as luxuriant as the black night,
Silkier and better than any geisha's,
A beautiful masculine body, when covered with slimy, sticky sweat
Is as splendid as the morning dew on a flower,
With a face fixed in perpetual gloom and seriousness since birth,
Thus eliminating the need to smile a lot
Which would have been the cause for premature wrinkles,
I gave up friends, family and threw away honor all for you..."
"Bad is an understatement," whispered Megumi with her fox ears to Sano.
"At least he hasn't tried describing the size of his pen--" started Yahiko. Kaoru and Misao simultaneously knocked him out.
"Truly! He's gotten worse ever since Kenshin was kidnapped!" snapped Kaoru.
Aoshi was still admiring himself, but was thankfully silent.
"Maybe you'd like to tell us what happened," said Kaoru comfortingly patting the dejected Misao on the back.
Misao took a deep breath and started.
Two weeks before at the new Aioya...
A cup of steaming tea lay on the table, next to a plate of teacakes. Next to the teacakes lay a book on Zen Buddhism. There was a brief movement behind a potted plant, and then under the nearby rug, each movement seeming to bring something closer and closer to the table.
A shadowy figure suddenly stood up, briefly from the concealing shadows of other objects of the room, long enough to extract a small packet from its sleeves and dump its contents into the mug of green tea. Then the figure molds itself together with the shadows once again and with the brief flickers of motion behind various objects of furniture, it makes its way out of the room. Unknowingly it left behind a little dagger on the floor, dropped when it pulled out the paper packet...
A short while later, Aoshi entered the room with Okina and Misao. Aoshi made a beeline for the Zen book an tea while Okina flashed a ridiculously large hand mirror in front of Misao. "I bought this in town today!" he declared.
Misao large sweat dropped. "What for?" she asked not sure if she wanted to know the answer.
Okina grinned. "For my girlfriend!"
Misao's mouth practically fell to the floor, and her eyes bulged out. Even Aoshi looked up from his Zen book.
"YOU have a girlfriend?!" asked Misao almost in shock.
"Er--no not exactly...it's for when I get one, that is!"
Misao face-faulted. Aoshi went back to poring over his Zen book. Then he closed it and went for his tea.
Misao saw what the Okashira was doing. "Hey, Wait! I'm not ready! Lord Aoshi wait!"
"Hm?" asked Aoshi putting the steaming cup to his lips.
"Look at what I bought today!" said Okina happily springing out in front of Misao, flashing the giant mirror in front of Aoshi's eyes. Aoshi was sipping his tea the instant he looked into the mirror.
Back on the Rengoku II...
"Then there was disaster!" cried Misao, flapping her arms in the air frantically.
"What happened?" asked Kaoru.
Misao sniffed. "I put this powder into Lord Aoshi's tea. It was supposed to make him feel happy! He's been so gloomy these few days! But..."
At the new Aioya again...
Aoshi snatched the big mirror out of Okina's hands. He looked surprised, and then his eyes went dreamy and very big. Little hearts, flowers and shining bubbles surrounded him, in a pink haze.
"So... beautiful..." he whispered. "So beautiful... In this dark world, it is hard to believe..."
"Huh?" asked Misao and Okina.
He brought he mirror closer to his face. "You...only you...you are the one I choose to be at my side...I will throw away friends, family, life and honor...all for you..." He stroked the surface of the mirror with his fingertips.
"What? The mirror?" asked Misao. "Jiya!" She shook Okina frantically. "Where did you get that mirror? Don't tell me Lord Aoshi's fallen in love with it!"
"All for you...Shinomori Aoshi, the one--the ONLY one I choose to be my soul mate..."
Misao fainted.
Now on the Renkoku II...
Misao pulled out at torn paper packet and thrust it into Kaoru's hands. "Love Potion Number Nine, Extra Industrial Strength. Guaranteed to make a person fall hopelessly in love with you at first sight. Warning: A side effect would be a tendency to recite [often silly] poetry. Manufactured on Olympus, Greece," read Kaoru.
"That's what I found out when I read the label!" wailed Misao.
"Who gave you this, Misao-chan?" asked Kaoru.
Misao frowned. "A fat gaijin baby with puny wings and small arrows...could some kind of gaijin fairy," said she said. "He told me that this would make Lord Aoshi very happy, and that it would work best if I stood in front of him when he was consuming it! His name sounded like the English word for really dumb... Stupid I think..."
"A gaijin baby with wings?" asked Megumi. She thought about Kenshin. "Oh well, anything's possible. Never trust a foreigner."
Okina who had been quiet throughout the tale, burst into fresh peals of laughter. The seagull flew into his mouth and got stuck in his throat.
"Like I told you, it's a conspiracy," said Sano to Yahiko again, who was groggily rubbing his head. He jabbed a finger at the choking Okina. "This proves it!"
"Idiot," said Megumi.
"Jiya said that one of the cures was in China. Lord Aoshi must drink the tea boiled in the Great Giant Teakettle... "
"That means Ken-san," said Megumi.
"Don't worry," said Kaoru. "We'll get Aoshi back." In the background, Okina was turning dark blue as he tried to cough the seagull out, while Sano and Yahiko each attempted their own versions of the Heimlich maneuver on him.
And so with hard-hearted determination, the group set off across the Sea of Japan, to fulfill their brave quests in the wondrous and ultimately vast empire of China. But...um...just what is that...thing?
In the distance, behind the Renkoku II barely visible, is what seems to be another battleship. Its speed seems to be carefully controlled and maintained, keeping it just out of sight of the Renkoku II. Unlike the Renkoku II, however, which looked like it was about to fall apart or spring a leak at any second, this battleship looked new, sleek, heavily armed and highly upgraded and painted a dull sea green so as to not attract attention.
Upon the sides of the ship, in white, the characters for `jinchuu' were painted.
Standing at the bow of the ship a handsome young man with spiky white hair and strange looking glasses let out a maniacal laugh. "Just you wait, Battousai!" he said. "I will have my Revenge! Don't think you can escape! My jinchuu will pound deep into your heart--mmmfftt--[CHOKE!] koff, koff..." He doubled over with one hand clutching the railing and another in his mouth, trying to dig a seagull out of his throat.
Yukushiro Enishi has finally appeared! And again in the even further still and in the even harder to see distance, is...
Yet another battleship, thought Saitou Hajime. He put down his binoculars. He stood on the deck of a moderately sized government battleship, which he had named himself, the Aku Soku Zan. Two battleships in the distance, he thought. This could get interesting...but first...
Saitou Gatotsu-ed several attacking seagulls to bits. Can't be rid of them! One would almost think this was a conspiracy...
As the sun sets on the far horizon, the spinning wheel of fate turns, bringing closer the threads of these lives, slowly forming into the inevitable ultimate weave. But what picture will it form? Nobody knows yet. Anyway, just what has Himura Kenshin been up to all this while? Surely he would not just sit back and wait to be rescued! And so that brings us to the flying ship, about five days ago...
It was night. Using the Hiten Mitsurugi had proven largely impossible without a sword--or arms for that matter, Kenshin found out. Kenshin sat on a surprisingly large brazier, boiling tea. Amazing how much, he enjoyed it nowadays. It was for one relaxing, warms your body inside and gave off a calming aroma, depending on what tea you used--and the flying ship was stocked full with the finest. But it was really hard to escape when he was chained up and one of the chains was attached to several giant iron balls almost as big as he was.
Suddenly, several white yards of gauzy cloths wrapped themselves around him and yanked him off the brazier, iron balls and all.
"Oro?!"
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOOH!!!" Kenshin saw several young Chinese maiden [no, not the ones that were trying to fondle him previously] standing on another flying ship. One of them was laughing with her hand pressed to the side of her mouth.
"YOU! Mei Ling!" snarled Tie San. He had burst out of the cabin and was in his nightshirt, followed by several soldiers, similarly dressed.
"Oro?" asked Kenshin. "What is going on?" He landed on the opposite ship with a crash and splinter of wood. Kenshin found himself lying unceremoniously on his side amidst broken, creaking boards which, might give away at any second.
"It is the Gossamer Sisters of one of the rival Teahouses!" yelled Tie San to his soldiers, ignoring Kenshin. "Those daughters of whores are trying to steal our Great Teakettle! Attack!"
Chaos was what ensured next.
"Lord Tie San! We retrieved the Great Teakettle!"
[CRASH]
"Oh, hohohohoho! You don't now!"
[BANG]
"Now we do!"
[BOOM]
"Not anymore!"
[CRASH]
Kenshin felt strangely helpless as he was tossed about from one deck to another. This went on for quite sometime. Kenshin was getting rather battered. It was then not surprising that the much abused boards of one of the two decks decided to give away when Kenshin and the iron balls landed on them next. Unfortunately the bottom of the ship was not quite as crash proof as the deck and the wood broke away the first time Kenshin + iron balls-attatched-to-him fell on it.
"Oro ro?!" asked Kenshin as he plunged down towards the dark waters.
"I knew it!" declared Tie San to a shocked Mei Ling. "Your ship is made of inferior quality material!"
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" An evil laugh came out of the darkness. A very large shadow loomed up from below them and was now above them, slowly blocking out the moonlight. Both Mei Ling and Tie San looked up to see a man whose gleaming sweat covered bulging muscles which rivaled even that of the arrogant 13^th successor of the Hiten Mitsurugi School, leaning over the railing. Where Mei Ling's body was curvaceous and sexy, Tie San's body was clearly more on the athletic-but-ranging-on-to-the-skinny-malnourished-looking side. The man's body was outlined by the slowly fading moonlight, giving it a strangely striking effect.
"YOU!" yelled Tie San again.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" replied the man. "YES, IT IS I, THE ONE AND ONLY CAPTAIN SHAN TSU OF THE GRAND IMPERIAL GREEN TEA TEMPLE! AND I NOW HAVE YOUR GREAT TEAKETTLE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
The Captain of the Grand Imperial Green Tea Temple never spoke in a normal tone of voice. He either shouted or yelled. The crew of the two other ships were courageously struggling to keep their ships from being blown to the farthest corners of the world by the extreme of the force of the man's sound waves.
"Oro ro..." muttered Kenshin. "I wanna go home..."
"The Great Teakettle is ours!" snarled Tie San. His carefully gelled up green hair was now blown back, resulting in him looking like some sort of human sized scythe covered with green paint. Mei Ling's expensive hairdo was ruined, covered with green mucus, bacteria containing saliva and small bits of food--making her look rather like a banshee.
"My hair!" shrieked Mei Ling. She turned to face Captain Tsu. "YOU! YOU SHALL FACE THE PUNISHMENT OF THE GOSAMMER SISTERS! Attack! Ohohohohohohohhohohohooooo!!!" Silken sashes whipped out as the Gossamer Sisters attacked.
It was going to be a very long night, Kenshin knew, as he was once again tossed about in the air.
Some days later, in China...
Sano trashed his way through the forest. "D--- it! Where the heck are the rest of the gang?" He was obviously, lost. They landed a few days ago and had decided to strike out at once for the Teahouse, which was somewhere to the West. Okina had an ancient brownish map.
He yanked out his trusty magnet on a string--the same one he used when he was on his way to Kyoto. He looked at it for a moment.
"Alright!" yelled Sano pointing to an area shrouded with thick overgrown bushes and dark shadows. "That way!" He leapt forward into the bushes...to find himself falling over a cliff. "Aieeeeeeee!!!"
[SPLASH]
And so thus Sano did not see a small, weather beaten wooden sign placed just before the edge of the cliff reading: `Welcome to the famous Cursed Springs of Jyusenkyou.'
In the forest...
Saitou Gatotsu-ed his way through the forest. He was obviously lost. It was not like him to get lost. That made him feel slightly irritated. There are strange forces at play here, he thought. This forest feels almost magnetic...
He looked up, trying to find the sky. The forest was really dense, the over hanging branches blocking out almost any possible light. Saitou was slightly distracted for the moment that he did not notice that he was walking through an area shrouded with thick overgrown bushes and dark shadows.
[SPLASH]
In another part of the forest...
Aoshi threaded through the forest, happily admiring himself in his mammoth mirror. He was so intent on gazing upon his one true love night and day that he did not notice that he had become totally separated from the rest of the group. He started singing an old village love song:
"Ten thousand birds in the sky,
Ten thousand crickets in the grass,
Ten thousand clouds in the blue sky,
And my two eyes see only you...
Only you..."
And he was still singing as two bare-naked women suddenly sprang out of the bushes and carried him off.
In yet another part of the forest...
"LORD AOOOOSHIIIII!!!" Misao cried, tears streaming down her cheeks. "WHERE ARE YOOOOUUUU?!"
"SANOSUKE!" yelled Kaoru. "Lord Aoshi!"
"This is hopeless," said Yahiko. "They're both lost."
"I'm not surprised that that rooster-head got lost," sniffed Megumi.
"Jiiiiyaaaa!" sobbed Misao turning to Okina. He frowned, his eyebrows knotted up in thought. "I may have a lead," he said at last.
"Where!" shrieked Misao excitedly, shaking Okina violently.
"C--calm down, Misao-chan!" he stuttered.
When the others had succeeded in pacifying Misao, Okina cleared his throat. "In the deep and mysterious reaches of yet unexplored China, there live many strange things and magic. We happen to be in the area of one of them now--the Chinese Maenad tribe. If indeed Lord Aoshi has fallen into the hands of these big-chested, curvy hipped, sexy, sensuous ladies who run around bare-naked without anything to cover their attributes at all in the forest," Okina was drooling slightly, "--his position is a very dangerous one." Okina's eyes flashed and he seemed to loom up before them. "These Chinese Maenads are so sex-crazed that they will keep him to absorb his true primal masculinity essence." Okina was now drooling heavily with a sappy smile pasted on his face as he envisioned some very perverted thoughts.
There was a silence broken only by the trilling of unseen insects as everyone in the group regarded Okina with bulging eyes.
"Oh, my..."said Kaoru finally, with flaming cheeks. Strange thoughts sprung into her mind--strangely detailed for a supposedly innocent young girl.
"Are you sure he's not just perverted?" asked Yahiko.
Megumi frowned at Kaoru's mental images. "Even I don't have thoughts like that! Should we even believe the old fart?"
"I am not lying," said Okina, somewhat hurt.
"Jiyaaaaa!!! Is this true?!" cried Misao. She clutched at his clothes. "What will happen to Lord Aoshi?"
Okina's face took on a terribly grave, wise and sad expression. "If Lord Aoshi's true masculine primal essence has indeed been destroyed, I am afraid the consequences will be very unpleasant indeed."
"Jiya..." whispered Misao.
"There can be two out comes. Either Lord Aoshi would have to become an eunuch and serve the Emperor for the rest of his life in the Forbidden City of China or he would immediately turn into a girl for the rest of his life, as the tiny amount of true primal feminine prissiness that is in the body of every man takes over."
A vision of Aoshi dressed as a geisha in the midst of flying flower petals entered unbidden into Misao's head. It was too much when the Aoshi in the vision smiled sweetly at her, batted his long eyelashes, and puckered up his red painted lips for a kiss. Misao's eyes rolled up in her head and she fainted on the spot.
Sometime later...
Misao crashed energetically through the forest. "Come on! We've got to go and rescue Lord Aoshi! Jiya! How much further?"
"Just right ahead!" puffed Okina sweating profusely.
"That weasel-girl sure has a lot of energy!" groaned Yahiko, sweating bullets. Kaoru and Megumi were too out of breath to answer.
Misao crashed through the thick foliage to suddenly find herself in a somewhat rustic village. In front of them there were a number of women wearing skimpy clothing--which barely covered their unmentionables were crowded around a huge bubbling cauldron, stirring it every now and then. Okina sniffed the air and licked his lips. "What's cooking? Smells delicious!"
In the pot, with only his head visible above the boiling liquid was Aoshi with his eyes going: X_X
"LORD AOSHIIIIII!!!" shrieked Misao. "WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO HIIM?!" She charged straight for them, her kunai daggers flying.
Yahiko nudged Okina. "Hey, I thought they were supposed to destroy his true primal essence or something--they look more like they're cooking him."
"I knew we shouldn't have believed him," muttered Megumi. "That old pervert's too dirty for words."
Okina was frowning, his eyebrows knitted together in thought. Suddenly an idea sign [a candle as they didn't have light bulbs those days] appeared above his head. "Well," he said slowly, "Either this is a new technique I haven't heard of yet or--this is not the Chinese Maenad tribe, but the tribe of Chinese Female Cannibals."
They stared at him, skeptically. In the background, Misao was busy yelling war cries and shearing her way through the Chinese Female Cannibals.
"Cannibals..." said Kaoru.
Yahiko frowned. "If that is the case--then where the heck didcha get that Chinese Maenad tribe idea in the first place? As far as I can tell it ain't in any of the Chinese legends I've ever heard."
"He probably got it from a book by some X-rated author," said Megumi disgustedly.
"Aheheheheh..."
"Er...guys..." came Kaoru's voice.
They turned around to face several Female Cannibals holding them at spear point. With no other choice, save certain grievous injury or death they slowly raised their hands in submission. In the village, Misao was at last overwhelmed by the sheer numbers and greater skills of the Cannibals, who were also skilled martial artists. She managed to crack the bottom of the pot, however and now hot soup was leaking out of it. As her vision blurred, her last sight was that of Aoshi's face, barely a few inches away. "Lord A--oshi..." Misao whispered, with an arm outstretched.
Later, in another cooking pot of the Cannibals...
The group were all bound head and foot, sitting in the pot which held some kind of soup. An insanely grinning cannibal with a nose ring and bone necklace was stirring the pot. It was not yet boiling, but getting hotter by the minute.
"Yahiko," said Okina. "Is Lord Aoshi alright? You're next to him."
Yahiko nudged Aoshi slightly with his shoulder. The okashira's eyes were still X-ed and he slumped over face first with a plop into the soup. Erk...
"Um...I think he's dead," Yahiko whispered to Okina. "The pot was already boiling when we found him remember?" Misao was still unconscious.
"What?!" yelled Okina. "It can't be!"
The Cannibal hit him with an iron spoon. "Food keep quiet now or we eat raw!" she threatened.
"Check again!" hissed Okina. "And pull his face out of the soup! It wouldn't do to have the okashira drown if he is still alive!"
Yahiko yanked Aoshi out by the collar, using his teeth.
"What are we going to dooo?" wailed Kaoru. Kenshin...she thought miserably. I can't die here! I want to see him again! If I died--he'll be so miserable! But how? We can't even move! Oh, Kenshin...
"I think Aoshi's still alive," said Megumi. "I don't know how, but he seemed to be breathing ever since you pulled him outta that soup, Yahiko."
"We use rare herbs of medicinal qualities in our cooking," said a Cannibal, walking towards them. She smiled maliciously, showing her sharp teeth. "Though it can't bring back the dead, it can bring back someone on the very edge of death itself--even one who is barely breathing."
Misao woke up with a groan. "Lord Aoshi..." she murmured, groggily.
The Cannibal reached out and pulled Aoshi's face upwards. She smiled.
"Hey!" yelled Misao, waking up completely. "What are you doing?!"
The Female Cannibal smiled again. "This pervert [he's amazingly handsome though] walked in on some of my ladies when they were taking a bath. As a punishment, we're going to eat him." The Cannibal's mouth suddenly stretched to an impossible size elongated enough to fit Aoshi's entire body into his mouth. Soon Aoshi's long legs were the only things dangling out of the Female Cannibal's mouth. The rest of him was inside the Cannibal's now bulging mouth.
"AOSHI!!!" screamed Misao, for once omitting Aoshi's title.
Yahiko used his teeth to grab onto the end of Aoshi's pants, trying to prevent him from being swallowed up further. Misao joined in, grabbing the end of the left leg pants. "Don't worry, Lord Aoshi! We'll save yoooooouuu!!!" she cried, through her nose. A fierce tug brought most of Aoshi out save for his head. The Female Cannibal clung on desperately.
Okina surveyed the scene half in horror and half in thoughtfulness. As he watched, he suddenly snapped his fingers. "I've got it! This is like that classic tale of that shogun!"
"What do you mean?" asked Megumi.
Okina took a deep breath.
"Long ago, two mothers were fighting over a child. They both claimed that the child was theirs. This matter eventually was brought before the wise and benevolent shogun of Japan. After hearing the mothers' tale, he intelligently declared: `Thou shalt have a Tug-O-War with the child. The true mother shalt win!'
Okina clenched his fist. "The mother's love was strong! The child was torn in half--so the shogun thus declared: `Yee both be the real mothers of this child! Go thee now to ye homes in peace and use super glue to fix thy child back!' "
Megumi face-faulted. "No wonder the Shogunate ended..." she muttered. "With people like that ruling the country..."
Okina was still continuing: "The teeth of the weasel and the Cannibal are strong!"
"So Lord Aoshi's going to be torn in half?" asked Kaoru weakly.
[SHRIIIPPPP]
Kaoru and Megumi screamed.
"Lord Aoshi!!!" yelled Okina. Then he paused. "Well, the teeth of the weasel may be strong, but the fabric of the okashira's pants are not!" Now the left pants leg of Aoshi's trousers was missing. Something like a white loin cloth with a pink flower pattern could be seen.
"Oh my," said Kaoru.
"Nice butt," approved Megumi.
The Cannibal seemed to gloat and sucked Aoshi into its mouth, dragging Yahiko along who was still determinedly hanging on.
"Lord Aoshiiii!!!!" screamed Misao.
"Yahiko!!!" yelled Kaoru and Megumi.
Suddenly there were several `shick' sounds, like something thin and sharp embedding themselves into a solid human back.
The Cannibal's eyes widened and she violently spat Aoshi and Yahiko out. Several blood-red roses were stuck in her back. She yanked them out and looked up.
Unidentifiable music from an unidentifiable source started to play. Everyone looked up. There, standing atop a wooden post with his arms folded was Saitou Hajime...in a tuxedo and a top hat...
"I am Tux-Saitou Mask. How dare you cook harmless old men, women, and children? And to top it off you are eating people raw and alive!"
Everybody face-faulted.
"What the heck is going on here?" said Yahiko.
"You shall be punished! Sanomoon, now!"
Sano appeared in a sailor fuku, holding a mini pink zanbatou with little white wings on the handle. "My name is Sanomoon and in the name of the Moon I shall punish you!"
Yahiko choked.
Sano struck a number of weird poses and vanquished the Cannibal with a hefty Moon Healing Escalation. The rest of the Cannibals immediately ran away from the weird guy in a mini skirt.
"What is going on here..." muttered Yahiko.
"Great--rooster brain's snapped," said Megumi. "Looks like Tuxedo Kamen there is too."
The others were too speechless to make much comment.
"Sanomoon," said Saitou.
"Tux-Saitou Kamen," squealed Sano, his eyes shiny and big. The air was suddenly filled with rose petals and shiny bubbles surrounded in the pink haze one usually sees after a dose of one of the more erotic hallucinogens.
"What's with all the sugar?" wondered Yahiko. That was when Sano suddenly flew in to Saitou's arms and tried to give him a big kiss.
Everybody screamed--with the exception of Aoshi, who was too busy staring at himself in his mammoth mirror. "Ah, you are beautiful even when covered with disgusting germ filled saliva!"
"Aoshi-sama!" moaned Misao.
"I can't watch," said Kaoru. She turned to Megumi who looked...well rather mad.
"Rooster-head!" she yelled. "What do you think you're doing?!"
Sano turned to look at Megumi, in a surprisingly feminine way.
To be continued by author later... [she's too lazy to do it now]
Failed Scenes section:
Misao rubbed her eyes as she stared incredulously at the little creature on the table. It looked like a chubby little pink-faced gaijin baby, wearing diapers and with ridiculously puny wings. Slung over its shoulder, was a little quiver of cute little arrows and in its hands was a fat little bow.
"Miss Makimachi Misao, right?" asked the creature.
"Wha--wha--what are you?!" said Misao with a gaping jaw while pointing furiously at it. "H--how the heck did you get in my room?!"
The fat baby grinned and extended his arm to Misao who just stared at it with bulging eyes. "Cupid, son of Aphrodite the Goddess of Love at your service!"
"Afro--who?" mumbled Misao, examining the baby suspiciously. Her initial shock had given away to curiosity. She gingerly pulled up one of Cupid's small white wings. "Wow...a talking one month old with wings...are they real?" Misao gave it a hard tug much to the chagrin of Cupid. "What are you, some kind of demon spirit? Or one of the fairy children? I always thought they didn't exist but..."
"Will you stop that!" snapped Cupid yanking back his wing. "I am not a play thing! I am NOT one month old! I am in fact thousands of years old!" He frowned at Misao for a moment. "I am here to help you."
Misao looked skeptical. "A gaijin baby wants to help me?"
Cupid's frown deepened. "I am telling you again: I AM NOT A BABY!"
"Then why do you wear diapers?"
"It's just a rule they made up back on Olympus," said the fuming Cupid. "Cupid must look like a sweet baby--Cupid must wear diapers--Cupid can't have big strong body like Hercules etc. etc..."
Most of this went past Misao who was getting more and more confused by the second.
"...anyway as the son of the Goddess of Love, I have been sent to solve the problems of your love life."
Mean ideas that will appear later section:
1. Lustful cigarette
2. Sailor Bishounen Soldier Senshi Sanomoon--Spring of Drowned Sailor Moon
3. Tux-Saitou Mask--Spring of Drowned Tuxedo Mask
4. Saito X Sano--Star-crossed yaoi lovers
5. Gato-sue--Spring of Drowned Lawyer--Saitou is now really the most feared of the Miburo! Aku Soku SUE
6. "Do you want them to commit seppuku?" Yahiko asks.
7. Aoshi in metal cooking pot
8. Sell Aoshi in a tin and put poison
9.
1
14
10.
Rurouni Kenshin Unofficial Story Arc: Teakettle of the Deities
It's unofficial because Kenshin & co. were way too embarrassed to let Jump or Sony release it.
During the 11^th year of the Meiji Era, three figures were seen in a small boat in the middle of the vast expanse of the Sea of Japan. The rays of the hot sun beat down on them, and the cries of circling sea birds above could be heard. And also...
"COME BACK HERE YOU STUPID F---ING BIRD!!!" yelled one of the figures waving a fist in the air. A tall man with untidy dark brown spiky hair held back by a bandanna and wearing a jacket with the kanji for evil on his back, he cursed vehemently while shaking his fist at the departing bird and wiping at his hair with a cloth. The boat started to rock quite violently.
"S--Sanosuke! Calm down! You're going to upset the boat!" a girl with her hair tied in a high ponytail said while gripping the edges of the boat.
"I'll take care of this Kaoru," said a young woman with carefully painted lips. She promptly used a large box with a number of tiny drawers in it to hit Sano over the head violently.
"Owww!!! That hurt you vixen!" snapped Sano.
"Megumi..."said Kaoru. Megumi just smirked.
Sano groaned and rubbed his head. "Tell me again...why the hell are we here anyway?"
"Because..." Megumi started.
A week ago...
It was raining heavily outside the dojo. Every now and then, there was a flash of lightning followed by crash of thunder. Kenshin and Sano sat in the training hall, playing a round of shogi. Sano looked bored and was clearly losing. Kenshin was his normal cheerful self.
There was a knock on the shoji door.
"Oro?" said Kenshin. "Now who could that be?" He went to answer the door. Sano followed, yawning.
A flash of lightning illuminated the moment Kenshin slid open the door. The ominous figure of an elderly man holding a jangling staff with large rings on it was outlined.
"A wandering priest," murmured Sano to Kenshin.
"May I help you?" asked Kenshin.
The priest banged his staff on the floor and the rings jangled. There was another flash of lightning and a crash of thunder. "Are you the one they call Himura Battousai?" he asked in a deep, mysterious voice.
Kenshin's eyes widened and his hand strayed unconsciously to the hilt of his sakabatou. "Who are you? What do you want?" asked Kenshin carefully. Sano had dropped into a loose fighting stance.
The man smiled. "Are you the one they call Battousai?" he asked again.
"I was," admitted Kenshin slowly.
"Hey! Get to the point! What do you think you're doing barging in and asking a question like that?" growled Sano.
"Very well." The man extended his palm. "I have a deep set hatred for Battousai. For the crimes he committed towards me during the Bakumatsu, I shall punish him!"
There was a bright flash of light and added to the effect was a loud crash of thunder. Then the light cleared. The priest lowered his arm, smirking. "Justice is done," he said.
Where Kenshin had once stood, now sat a roughly human-sized, round, crimson colored giant teakettle. There was a strange X shaped scratch on the left side of the kettle. Kenshin's sakabatou lay on the ground beside it.
"Oro? Oro? Ororo?" Kenshin's voice came from the spout with some steam. Sano stared at it wide-eyed with a few sweat drops. "K--Ke--Kenshin?"
"All of a sudden I have an irresistible urge to go make some tea, de gozaru," Kenshin stated, brightly. Sano crash face-faulted.
"Hey! You! Priest--" Sano yelled. Then he stopped. The priest was gone.
The rain lessened and stopped with a rumble of faraway thunder. As the fresh smell of after rain filled the air, cicadas began to sing. In the 11^th year of the Meiji era--
Sano blinked. "Hey, Kenshin...Kenshin! What the heck are you doing?!"
--after the unrecorded fight with Shishio Makoto, the one that they called Himura Battousai went to make some boiling hot tea in himself.
Sano crash face-faulted.
And so the story continues...
"Th--that's Kenshin?!' asked Kaoru incredulously with bulging eyes while pointing a finger at the giant teakettle behind Sano.
"Hi, Miss Kaoru!" spouted the crimson teakettle cheerfully.
Sano glanced at the teakettle apprehensively. "Yeah, it's him alright..."
"Are you sure? It's not just Kenshin dressed up in a teakettle suit, is it?" said Yahiko, lifting the lid and peering into teakettle. "Oro?" mumbled Kenshin. A cloud of water vapor and the aroma of tea rose to greet them.
"No, it isn't" said Sano firmly.
Megumi seemed to consider this for a moment and strode over to where Sano was sitting and hit him over the head with her large box.
"Hey! That hurt vixen! What didcha do that for?!" snapped Sano.
"How could you just standby and let Kenshin be turned into a teakettle?!" said Megumi. "Ken-san as a teakettle could be useful though..." she mused. "But how could you let him be changed into a teakettle?"
"It wasn't my fault!"
The duo start bickering.
Kenshin-teakettle hopped over to where Kaoru was sitting. Leaning over her shoulder he asked, with a little puff of steam, "More tea?"
Kaoru clenched her fists and gritted her teeth angrily. A red-hot aura of ki surrounded her. "HOW can you joke at a time like this?!" she yelled and started bashing Kenshin with a shinnai.
"Oro? Oroororo..."
"Am I the only sane one around here?" muttered Yahiko with large sweat drops present all over his head, watching the scene.
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of red light and the ceiling of the dojo splintered in a shower of wood.
"GET down!" yelled Sano. He threw himself at Megumi shielding her with his body. Kenshin's built in reflexes automatically did the same to Kaoru...except that being a teakettle with a hard metallic body instead of a softer human one--he flattened her instead. Also, spilling the hot tea he was carrying on her didn't help matters much either.
"Oh, Miss Kaoru! I'm so sorry!" said Kenshin frantically. "Are you feeling okay?"
A hard bash of the shinnai on the spout answered him perfectly.
"Get off me!" said Megumi pushing Sano off with a grunt.
"Hey! I just saved you there!"
The whole roof of the dojo had been reduced to splinters and charred wood. Yahiko looked up from under the table to see what seemed to be a large treasure boat floating in the night sky. A head poked out of the edge of the boat and yelled: "Hey! We found it! The legendary Giant Teakettle of the Deities!"
"Oro?"
Several ropes flew out of the boat and secured themselves around Kenshin. With a lurch, he was yanked into the boat. "Oro?! Oroororo???"
"KENSHIN!" yelled Kaoru.
"Kenshin!" said Yahiko.
"Ken-san!" yelled Megumi.
"What's the big idea?!" yelled Sano shaking a fist at the boat. "Give him back!"
A guy who looked amazingly like Saitou but with hair like Chou poked his head out from the edge of the boat. "I am afraid I cannot do that. He is ours!" stated the man.
Everyone's eyes bulged out. "Saitou Hajime?!" they said incredulously.
"What's with the broom head?" asked Sano.
"I am NOT Saitou Hajime! Everyone always gets that mixed up!" snapped the man. "And your hair isn't much better rooster-head!" He flicked open a fan. The boat was now low enough to the ground for them to see at least half of the man's body. He was wearing Chinese robes and surrounded by several beautiful and elaborately dressed Chinese girls and a few armored soldiers. Striking a dramatic pose on the edge of the boat with one hand on his hips, he said, "From the dark and mysterious mist covered provinces of central China, there lies the beautiful and ancient temple known as the Teahouse of the Deities. The temple's past is glorious indeed, its history rich in culture. We for many generations have served the best tea to the Emperor in the Forbidden City and also offered it to the Deities. I am Tie San, the head warrior and Captain of the first regiment of the Teahouse Guards. My regiment and I have journeyed far and wide over great mountains wide rivers and vast oceans--Oi!
WAKE UP!"
Everyone stretched and yawned.
"You shouldn't give such a longwinded speech," advised Megumi, sprouting fox ears. "In my experience as a doctor, it is an effective insomnia cure."
"So what!"
"Somebody tell me what is going on here..." said Yahiko. "Why do you guys want to kidnap a big teapot?"
Tie San glowered at him. "I was JUST getting to that." He took a deep breath and continued. "We at the Deities' Teahouse, boil our tea in an ancient giant teakettle...but unfortunately long centuries of use have finally brought upon the horror of horrors on the day the Great Teakettle leaked!"
Tie San struck a sad dramatic pose. In the background, several Chinese maidens wept. "We the first regiment of the Teahouse Guards have been given the honor to be chosen to undertake the quest to find another teakettle to take the place of the Great Teakettle. My regiment and I have journeyed far and wide over--"
"Get to the point," interrupted Sano.
An image of fried rooster formed in Tie San's mind. He licked his lips and continued: "Ancient Teahouse legend has it that when the old Kettle leaks, another Great Teakettle will arise, to take the place of the old one.
"And we've found it!" He extended his hand towards Kenshin with a flourish. The beautiful and sexy Chinese maidens sighed and collapsed around Kenshin, fondling him.
"Oro?!" Kenshin's teakettle lid almost fell off. A big woosh of steam came out of his spout. "Oro..." he repeated. Even in teakettle-state, Kenshin managed to look nervous and panicky. The crimson color of what should have been his skin turned an even brighter red. "Oro, oro, oro, roooo..." If he had been human, Kenshin would have had a major nosebleed.
"Raging hormones," said Yahiko, nodding sagely. "It must be hard to say anything else when he's in the grip of the ancient primordial mating call--"
Kaoru punched Yahiko in the face. "KENSHIN!" she roared glowing in red ki with anger and jealousy. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"
"Way to go Kenshin!" cheered Sano. "You still manage to attract girls with a potbelly! Things are looking good for your old age buddy!"
"Oro..." If Kenshin had been human he would have drowned in his own blood by now. The fact that some of the maidens were wearing the Yumi-style slipping kimono fashion didn't help.
Tie San bowed and snapped his fan closed. `I'm afraid I have to part company with you now. The call of the Teahouse awaits!"
The boat started to rise into the night sky. "Kenshin!" they all yelled in unison. The only answer they got was a faraway confused oro.
"Follow that boat!" yelled Sano. But the boat had disappeared into the black night.
Two days later...
"This is all you could get?" said Megumi looking down at a puny and rickety excuse for a rowboat. Painted on its side were the characters: `Prid of Japan'. "And isn't it supposed to say `Pride' not `Prid'?
"We're short on funds you know. THIS is the best bargain," said Sano defensively. "At least it doesn't leak."
"But this'll only fit three of us," said Yahiko. "And we're all going to China to rescue Kenshin."
"I guess someone's going to have to get left behind..." said Kaoru.
"Or swim," finished Sano. Instantly, all heads swiveled to Yahiko's direction, white, sparkling, evil smiles visible on their faces which, were obscured by sudden shadows. "What?" Yahiko asked suspiciously.
"Well, it'll be good training," said Kaoru.
"The boy must learn to be a man," declared Sano.
"If you drown I'll chip in for your funeral," promised Megumi.
"What? What are you guys talking about?" demanded Yahiko even more apprehensively. Then it struck him. "You want me to swim to China?!" he yelled.
"Either that or get left behind. There's not enough room for four people. We'll sink," said Kaoru. "It would help if you and Sanosuke didn't stuff your stomachs so much."
"Look who's talking, you old hag!" Yahiko narrowed his eyes, doing a perfectly good imitation of Kenshin's Battousai glare at Sano. "Why don't you ask him to swim instead? He weighs more than I do!"
"Because we need someone with a lot brute strength and high endurance--"
"And little mentality," added Megumi.
"Hey!" protested Sano.
"--to row the boat," answered Kaoru. "That way we'll get to China faster. And we also need Megumi to treat wounds so don't start on her."
Yahiko glared at Kaoru and pointed at her with his shinnai. "Why don't you swim then? I don't see what you're good for!"
Kaoru glared back at him. "Because I am your teacher and I say so!" She hit him over the head with her bokken.
And thus the long journey began...
"Onward to China!" yelled Sano, waving an oar in the air.
"Be quiet and row! We're going the wrong way!" snapped Megumi. "I'm not going to end up lost like you when you tried to go to Kyoto!"
And now, five days later in the middle of the salty Sea of Japan...
"I wonder how that boat managed to fly anyway," mused Kaoru aloud.
"Hot air bal1oons," answered Sano.
"Huh?"
"Hot air balloons," repeated Sano. "State-of-the-art technology from the Seinan War. Although they must have altered the principles a bit in order to carry something as heavy as that boat."
"Oh...hey, I just realized...won't it take a very, very long time for us to row to China?" said Kaoru suddenly.
A sudden silence, as the group pondered that thought.
"Maybe if rooster-head rows fast it'll take a month," said Megumi.
"Um--what about food?" asked Sano. "We only brought enough to last like...five days...ago."
"What? It's gone?!" cried Megumi and Kaoru. "It would have lasted longer if you didn't stuff your face all the time!" they yelled, hitting him.
"Maybe we can catch fish..."suggested Sano.
"HELP!" came Yahiko's sudden cry from far behind. "SHARK!"
Kaoru sniffed. "What does that brat think he's trying to pull? Everybody knows that there are no sharks in the Sea of Japan."
"SHARK!" screamed Yahiko again, trashing wildly in the water with his shinnai, as if trying to beat something off. "AAAAAAAHHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MONSTER!!! KAORU, HELP!!!"
"Ignore him," huffed Kaoru.
"The panic in his voice sounds almost real," observed Megumi.
Like a small geyser, a jet of water abruptly appeared in the middle of the boat.
"It's leaking...?" said Sano, with a puzzled expression.
Being small, the `Prid of Japan' rapidly filled up with water.
*
"I can't believe the fox lady doesn't know how to swim! Even jou-chan can swim!" said Sano to Megumi.
Spitting water out of her mouth and with her arms unwillingly clasped over Sano's shoulders she answered rather vehemently, "Medical practice leaves little time for things like that."
" `Things like that' can save your life," admonished Sano.
" `Things like that' wouldn't have been needed if your boat hadn't sunk! You said it didn't leak!"
"That's what the guy who sold it to me said!"
"It's just like a brainless moron like you to get cheated!"
"Will you two stop arguing?" growled Kaoru. It's giving me a headache and my legs are already tired!"
"I wouldn't feel so bad tempered if the vixen wasn't so heavy!"
"What did you say?!"
"SHARK!" Yahiko's cry for help increased the gathered tension.
"Will you stop that!" yelled Kaoru. "This is not the right time for a joke!"
"It is NOT a joke, you stupid old hag!" Yahiko almost shrieked. By now he had almost caught up with them and was only about five meters away. "Look!" He held up a battered shinnai with at least half of it missing. "That thing must have a hide of steel and it ate my shinnai!"
Kaoru was about to give another angry retort when the head of Jaws erupted out of the water in front of her. It looked big enough to swallow all of Shishio's Ten Swords, including the giant Fuji, and still have room for desert. Strangely though, its face looked a little underfed its cheeks caved in a little.
They all stared at it in shocked silence for a while and then..."ARRRRRRGH!!! SHARK!" they all screamed as one.
The shark gave them a malicious grin. Surprisingly it spoke. "I am the legendary demon shark who haunts the Ten Thousand Underwater Pagodas of Stone. I devour whoever passes into my territory! I have done so for ten thousand years and shall do so for another ten thousand more! Mua, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!"
Sano immediately looked mad. "That's what you think!" He held up a fist to the shark. "I'd like you to go ahead and try and eat me, you freak!"
"Idiot!" said Megumi.
The shark's grin grew wider. "Invitation accepted!" it cried. Immediately, it leapt out of the water, and came down directly at Sano and Megumi's heads. Fangs brown with old blood showed in its stark horror.
Megumi involuntarily gave a little scream and tightened her grip on Sano.
"FUTAE NO KIWAMI!" yelled Sano, delivering that amazingly powerful the punch taught to him by Yuukyuuzan Anji of the Ten Swords. The demon shark was thrown in back flip far, far, far, away to land back into the water with a gigantic splash which actually caused an enormous tidal wave and made some people living on the nearby coast of Japan instantly homeless.
Sano's eyes were narrowed, scanning the dark water for any signs of the shark.
"Is--is it gone?" asked Kaoru in a stunned voice. During the attack, she'd been too petrified to even scream.
"I think so..." said Yahiko. He looked at Kaoru. "Frozen with fear, again, huh, `adjutant master'? You're really pathetic."
"Shut up!"
Megumi opened her eyes and immediately hit Sano on the head. Hard. "You could have gotten us all killed, you bakayaro!"
Sano looked annoyed and shook his head. "Wouldn't make a difference," he answered. "He'd have tried to eat us anyway, provoked or not. If I hadn't made him go after me first, he'd probably grab the nearest person--jou-chan and Yahiko. Since I'm stronger, I stand a better chance at killing that thing...whatever it was." Sano blinked. "Hey, that thing kinda looked like Saitou Hajime, didn't it?"
"Say, you're right..."chorused Yahiko and Kaoru. "Weird..."
Megumi lowered her eyes. Her gaze fell on something. "Sanosuke--your hand! You big idiot! I told you not to use the Futae no whatever--your hand hasn't healed from the Kyoto fight!" She reached out and pulled his hand out of the water. The already bandaged hand looked worse than broken, bleeding from several places.
"It's nothing," he scoffed. "The shark was harder than I thought that's all. I've taken worse--YEEEOWW! Watch it vixen! That hurt!"
"Uh huh, definitely broken again," said Megumi. "We're going to have to do som--"
The looming head of Jaws reappeared again with a spray of water, throwing a ton of seaweed and fish over them. It looked mad and there was a large dent in the middle of its face. It looked like Saitou with his face caved in.
"It takes more than a mere punch to kill the demon shark!" it roared. "Now you shall all die!" Its giant maw opened, showing again the fangs brown with old blood in its stark horror.
And then its mouth got run over by a speeding battleship, which also broke all the fangs brown with old blood, which had showed in their stark horror.
In the Rengoku II...
"Lord Aoshi! I think we just ran over something!"
Aoshi shrugged. "In the sea? Nonsense," he muttered in a distracted tone.
"Maybe it was just a big fish," suggested Misao to the seaman.
Another man appeared at the doorway of the bridge. "Lord Aoshi! Come quick!" cried the man in a panicky voice. "Some ugly, foul smelling, horrible sea monsters just climbed aboard!"
Four seaweed and mud covered figures pounded the man to the floor. "Who're you calling a foul smelling sea monster?!"
Misao blinked. "Kaoru? Yahiko? Rooster-head? And Takani Megumi? What are you all doing here?"
"What's all this?" said Okina bursting into the bridge, his beribboned beard waggling. "Lord Aoshi, Misao, what is going on?
Aoshi did not seem to notice Okina and was intently staring into something he held in his hand.
"Kaoru and the others just climbed aboard..." said Misao slowly. The dirty foursome smiled and waved in a friendly manner.
Okina wrinkled up his nose. "Go take a bath. You smell like rotten fish."
Two hours later, on the deck of the Rengoku II...
"...and that is why we are on our way to China," finished Kaoru, recounting her tale of Kenshin's kidnapping and their misadventures so far.
"Wow..." said Misao in an awed voice. "That's really hard to believe..."
Large flocks of seagulls circled the battleship. Sano regarded them suspiciously. His right hand had been re-bandaged by Megumi sometime ago and was now resting lightly on his hip. Some of the birds even landed on the railing and the deck. Sano frowned and glared at them. They did not decline to take notice of him, though.
Aoshi did not seem to have heard a word that Kaoru said. He was standing a little way away from them and was leaning against the railing. His pale, beautiful serious face was busy staring out into the sea, while his right hand kept on smoothing his luxuriant jet-black his hair. Every now and then, he would mutter something too soft for the rest of the group to hear.
"A temple known as the Teahouse of the Deities?" frowned Okina. "They sound familiar..." The old man snapped is fingers. "I've got it! The Teahouse lies on top of a high mountain, in the one of the most desolate, almost forgotten and foggy depths of central China. To get to the mountain is dangerous, very dangerous indeed..."
"To rescue Kenshin, I'll brave any danger," responded Kaoru and Megumi simultaneously. "Hey! That was my line!" they snapped together.
"Hmmm...very, very dangerous, indeed," repeated Okina. He closed his eyes and breathed in the fresh salty sea air deeply...and choked as he nearly inhaled a seagull flying in front of his face.
Sano looked at Okina and snapped his fingers. An idea sign zoomed off the tips of his fingers at the same time. "A conspiracy," he whispered to Yahiko. "These might seem like ordinary birds, but watch out. They're out to get us." Yahiko large sweat dropped.
"Only an idiot like you would think so," said Megumi overhearing him.
"Well, you're not one of the birds' victims!" snapped Sano. Then turning to Okina who was busy coughing out some grayish feathers, he asked suspiciously, "How do you know all about that Teahouse temple?" The seabird he had almost sucked into his lungs hovered around him and squawking angrily.
"Because we're going too," replied Okina, trying to wave off the bird.
"Huh? Why?" asked the group together, surprised.
Okina smirked and pointed at Misao with a thumb. "Ask her." Then he started laughing. The seagull took that moment to score a peck on the forehead.
"Will you stop that!" said Misao hotly. "Lord Aoshi falling in love is nothing to laugh about!"
"Aoshi's in love?" The group blinked.
"I thought that he was acting kind of strange," said Kaoru turning to look in Aoshi's direction. The current Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu was staring dreamily out to sea, his mysterious dark, eyes, normally cold as ice shards, were now clouded over, as if seeing something very, very faraway, in his own world.
"Well, I guess might be good for him," commented Sano. "He ain't so gloomy anymore by the looks of it."
Yahiko slapped Misao on the back. "Awww, cheer up. Shinomori Aoshi's not the only man in the world, you know. I'm sure you'll meet a better man someda--ugh!"
Misao removed her elbow from Yahiko's stomach. She gave Yahiko an angry look, which resembled a dangerous predator grinning. "Why is it that when I say Lord Aoshi's in love, you immediately assume that it isn't with me?!" snarled Misao, shaking Yahiko violently.
"B--because h--h--he's n--not--t leh--le--ooking at you," said Yahiko, his teeth clacking against one another brutally.
"Oh...right..." Misao dropped Yahiko.
"Misao, who is Lord Aoshi in love with?" asked Kaoru gently. "What happened?"
Misao's eyes suddenly flooded with tears. "It's all my fault! He--he's..." she sobbed. "He's in love... HE'S IN LOVE WITH HIMSELF!"
There was a deep silence except for Okina's barely muffled snickers and the irate cries of the bird circling his head.
"Waita minute," said Sano slowly. "Did you say that Shinomori Aoshi's in love with himself?"
Misao nodded tearfully. Everyone turned to look at Aoshi as he suddenly yanked out a mammoth size hand mirror from the mysterious recesses of his trench coat. To the enormous shock of the everyone but Okina and Misao, who just started crying more anyway, dark, gloomy, ice cold Aoshi began spouting some very bad poetry:
"Ah ~ I shall be with you forever,
The person with eyes of hard steel and very black hair,
Which is as luxuriant as the black night,
Silkier and better than any geisha's,
A beautiful masculine body, when covered with slimy, sticky sweat
Is as splendid as the morning dew on a flower,
With a face fixed in perpetual gloom and seriousness since birth,
Thus eliminating the need to smile a lot
Which would have been the cause for premature wrinkles,
I gave up friends, family and threw away honor all for you..."
"Bad is an understatement," whispered Megumi with her fox ears to Sano.
"At least he hasn't tried describing the size of his pen--" started Yahiko. Kaoru and Misao simultaneously knocked him out.
"Truly! He's gotten worse ever since Kenshin was kidnapped!" snapped Kaoru.
Aoshi was still admiring himself, but was thankfully silent.
"Maybe you'd like to tell us what happened," said Kaoru comfortingly patting the dejected Misao on the back.
Misao took a deep breath and started.
Two weeks before at the new Aioya...
A cup of steaming tea lay on the table, next to a plate of teacakes. Next to the teacakes lay a book on Zen Buddhism. There was a brief movement behind a potted plant, and then under the nearby rug, each movement seeming to bring something closer and closer to the table.
A shadowy figure suddenly stood up, briefly from the concealing shadows of other objects of the room, long enough to extract a small packet from its sleeves and dump its contents into the mug of green tea. Then the figure molds itself together with the shadows once again and with the brief flickers of motion behind various objects of furniture, it makes its way out of the room. Unknowingly it left behind a little dagger on the floor, dropped when it pulled out the paper packet...
A short while later, Aoshi entered the room with Okina and Misao. Aoshi made a beeline for the Zen book an tea while Okina flashed a ridiculously large hand mirror in front of Misao. "I bought this in town today!" he declared.
Misao large sweat dropped. "What for?" she asked not sure if she wanted to know the answer.
Okina grinned. "For my girlfriend!"
Misao's mouth practically fell to the floor, and her eyes bulged out. Even Aoshi looked up from his Zen book.
"YOU have a girlfriend?!" asked Misao almost in shock.
"Er--no not exactly...it's for when I get one, that is!"
Misao face-faulted. Aoshi went back to poring over his Zen book. Then he closed it and went for his tea.
Misao saw what the Okashira was doing. "Hey, Wait! I'm not ready! Lord Aoshi wait!"
"Hm?" asked Aoshi putting the steaming cup to his lips.
"Look at what I bought today!" said Okina happily springing out in front of Misao, flashing the giant mirror in front of Aoshi's eyes. Aoshi was sipping his tea the instant he looked into the mirror.
Back on the Rengoku II...
"Then there was disaster!" cried Misao, flapping her arms in the air frantically.
"What happened?" asked Kaoru.
Misao sniffed. "I put this powder into Lord Aoshi's tea. It was supposed to make him feel happy! He's been so gloomy these few days! But..."
At the new Aioya again...
Aoshi snatched the big mirror out of Okina's hands. He looked surprised, and then his eyes went dreamy and very big. Little hearts, flowers and shining bubbles surrounded him, in a pink haze.
"So... beautiful..." he whispered. "So beautiful... In this dark world, it is hard to believe..."
"Huh?" asked Misao and Okina.
He brought he mirror closer to his face. "You...only you...you are the one I choose to be at my side...I will throw away friends, family, life and honor...all for you..." He stroked the surface of the mirror with his fingertips.
"What? The mirror?" asked Misao. "Jiya!" She shook Okina frantically. "Where did you get that mirror? Don't tell me Lord Aoshi's fallen in love with it!"
"All for you...Shinomori Aoshi, the one--the ONLY one I choose to be my soul mate..."
Misao fainted.
Now on the Renkoku II...
Misao pulled out at torn paper packet and thrust it into Kaoru's hands. "Love Potion Number Nine, Extra Industrial Strength. Guaranteed to make a person fall hopelessly in love with you at first sight. Warning: A side effect would be a tendency to recite [often silly] poetry. Manufactured on Olympus, Greece," read Kaoru.
"That's what I found out when I read the label!" wailed Misao.
"Who gave you this, Misao-chan?" asked Kaoru.
Misao frowned. "A fat gaijin baby with puny wings and small arrows...could some kind of gaijin fairy," said she said. "He told me that this would make Lord Aoshi very happy, and that it would work best if I stood in front of him when he was consuming it! His name sounded like the English word for really dumb... Stupid I think..."
"A gaijin baby with wings?" asked Megumi. She thought about Kenshin. "Oh well, anything's possible. Never trust a foreigner."
Okina who had been quiet throughout the tale, burst into fresh peals of laughter. The seagull flew into his mouth and got stuck in his throat.
"Like I told you, it's a conspiracy," said Sano to Yahiko again, who was groggily rubbing his head. He jabbed a finger at the choking Okina. "This proves it!"
"Idiot," said Megumi.
"Jiya said that one of the cures was in China. Lord Aoshi must drink the tea boiled in the Great Giant Teakettle... "
"That means Ken-san," said Megumi.
"Don't worry," said Kaoru. "We'll get Aoshi back." In the background, Okina was turning dark blue as he tried to cough the seagull out, while Sano and Yahiko each attempted their own versions of the Heimlich maneuver on him.
And so with hard-hearted determination, the group set off across the Sea of Japan, to fulfill their brave quests in the wondrous and ultimately vast empire of China. But...um...just what is that...thing?
In the distance, behind the Renkoku II barely visible, is what seems to be another battleship. Its speed seems to be carefully controlled and maintained, keeping it just out of sight of the Renkoku II. Unlike the Renkoku II, however, which looked like it was about to fall apart or spring a leak at any second, this battleship looked new, sleek, heavily armed and highly upgraded and painted a dull sea green so as to not attract attention.
Upon the sides of the ship, in white, the characters for `jinchuu' were painted.
Standing at the bow of the ship a handsome young man with spiky white hair and strange looking glasses let out a maniacal laugh. "Just you wait, Battousai!" he said. "I will have my Revenge! Don't think you can escape! My jinchuu will pound deep into your heart--mmmfftt--[CHOKE!] koff, koff..." He doubled over with one hand clutching the railing and another in his mouth, trying to dig a seagull out of his throat.
Yukushiro Enishi has finally appeared! And again in the even further still and in the even harder to see distance, is...
Yet another battleship, thought Saitou Hajime. He put down his binoculars. He stood on the deck of a moderately sized government battleship, which he had named himself, the Aku Soku Zan. Two battleships in the distance, he thought. This could get interesting...but first...
Saitou Gatotsu-ed several attacking seagulls to bits. Can't be rid of them! One would almost think this was a conspiracy...
As the sun sets on the far horizon, the spinning wheel of fate turns, bringing closer the threads of these lives, slowly forming into the inevitable ultimate weave. But what picture will it form? Nobody knows yet. Anyway, just what has Himura Kenshin been up to all this while? Surely he would not just sit back and wait to be rescued! And so that brings us to the flying ship, about five days ago...
It was night. Using the Hiten Mitsurugi had proven largely impossible without a sword--or arms for that matter, Kenshin found out. Kenshin sat on a surprisingly large brazier, boiling tea. Amazing how much, he enjoyed it nowadays. It was for one relaxing, warms your body inside and gave off a calming aroma, depending on what tea you used--and the flying ship was stocked full with the finest. But it was really hard to escape when he was chained up and one of the chains was attached to several giant iron balls almost as big as he was.
Suddenly, several white yards of gauzy cloths wrapped themselves around him and yanked him off the brazier, iron balls and all.
"Oro?!"
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOOH!!!" Kenshin saw several young Chinese maiden [no, not the ones that were trying to fondle him previously] standing on another flying ship. One of them was laughing with her hand pressed to the side of her mouth.
"YOU! Mei Ling!" snarled Tie San. He had burst out of the cabin and was in his nightshirt, followed by several soldiers, similarly dressed.
"Oro?" asked Kenshin. "What is going on?" He landed on the opposite ship with a crash and splinter of wood. Kenshin found himself lying unceremoniously on his side amidst broken, creaking boards which, might give away at any second.
"It is the Gossamer Sisters of one of the rival Teahouses!" yelled Tie San to his soldiers, ignoring Kenshin. "Those daughters of whores are trying to steal our Great Teakettle! Attack!"
Chaos was what ensured next.
"Lord Tie San! We retrieved the Great Teakettle!"
[CRASH]
"Oh, hohohohoho! You don't now!"
[BANG]
"Now we do!"
[BOOM]
"Not anymore!"
[CRASH]
Kenshin felt strangely helpless as he was tossed about from one deck to another. This went on for quite sometime. Kenshin was getting rather battered. It was then not surprising that the much abused boards of one of the two decks decided to give away when Kenshin and the iron balls landed on them next. Unfortunately the bottom of the ship was not quite as crash proof as the deck and the wood broke away the first time Kenshin + iron balls-attatched-to-him fell on it.
"Oro ro?!" asked Kenshin as he plunged down towards the dark waters.
"I knew it!" declared Tie San to a shocked Mei Ling. "Your ship is made of inferior quality material!"
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" An evil laugh came out of the darkness. A very large shadow loomed up from below them and was now above them, slowly blocking out the moonlight. Both Mei Ling and Tie San looked up to see a man whose gleaming sweat covered bulging muscles which rivaled even that of the arrogant 13^th successor of the Hiten Mitsurugi School, leaning over the railing. Where Mei Ling's body was curvaceous and sexy, Tie San's body was clearly more on the athletic-but-ranging-on-to-the-skinny-malnourished-looking side. The man's body was outlined by the slowly fading moonlight, giving it a strangely striking effect.
"YOU!" yelled Tie San again.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" replied the man. "YES, IT IS I, THE ONE AND ONLY CAPTAIN SHAN TSU OF THE GRAND IMPERIAL GREEN TEA TEMPLE! AND I NOW HAVE YOUR GREAT TEAKETTLE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
The Captain of the Grand Imperial Green Tea Temple never spoke in a normal tone of voice. He either shouted or yelled. The crew of the two other ships were courageously struggling to keep their ships from being blown to the farthest corners of the world by the extreme of the force of the man's sound waves.
"Oro ro..." muttered Kenshin. "I wanna go home..."
"The Great Teakettle is ours!" snarled Tie San. His carefully gelled up green hair was now blown back, resulting in him looking like some sort of human sized scythe covered with green paint. Mei Ling's expensive hairdo was ruined, covered with green mucus, bacteria containing saliva and small bits of food--making her look rather like a banshee.
"My hair!" shrieked Mei Ling. She turned to face Captain Tsu. "YOU! YOU SHALL FACE THE PUNISHMENT OF THE GOSAMMER SISTERS! Attack! Ohohohohohohohhohohohooooo!!!" Silken sashes whipped out as the Gossamer Sisters attacked.
It was going to be a very long night, Kenshin knew, as he was once again tossed about in the air.
Some days later, in China...
Sano trashed his way through the forest. "D--- it! Where the heck are the rest of the gang?" He was obviously, lost. They landed a few days ago and had decided to strike out at once for the Teahouse, which was somewhere to the West. Okina had an ancient brownish map.
He yanked out his trusty magnet on a string--the same one he used when he was on his way to Kyoto. He looked at it for a moment.
"Alright!" yelled Sano pointing to an area shrouded with thick overgrown bushes and dark shadows. "That way!" He leapt forward into the bushes...to find himself falling over a cliff. "Aieeeeeeee!!!"
[SPLASH]
And so thus Sano did not see a small, weather beaten wooden sign placed just before the edge of the cliff reading: `Welcome to the famous Cursed Springs of Jyusenkyou.'
In the forest...
Saitou Gatotsu-ed his way through the forest. He was obviously lost. It was not like him to get lost. That made him feel slightly irritated. There are strange forces at play here, he thought. This forest feels almost magnetic...
He looked up, trying to find the sky. The forest was really dense, the over hanging branches blocking out almost any possible light. Saitou was slightly distracted for the moment that he did not notice that he was walking through an area shrouded with thick overgrown bushes and dark shadows.
[SPLASH]
In another part of the forest...
Aoshi threaded through the forest, happily admiring himself in his mammoth mirror. He was so intent on gazing upon his one true love night and day that he did not notice that he had become totally separated from the rest of the group. He started singing an old village love song:
"Ten thousand birds in the sky,
Ten thousand crickets in the grass,
Ten thousand clouds in the blue sky,
And my two eyes see only you...
Only you..."
And he was still singing as two bare-naked women suddenly sprang out of the bushes and carried him off.
In yet another part of the forest...
"LORD AOOOOSHIIIII!!!" Misao cried, tears streaming down her cheeks. "WHERE ARE YOOOOUUUU?!"
"SANOSUKE!" yelled Kaoru. "Lord Aoshi!"
"This is hopeless," said Yahiko. "They're both lost."
"I'm not surprised that that rooster-head got lost," sniffed Megumi.
"Jiiiiyaaaa!" sobbed Misao turning to Okina. He frowned, his eyebrows knotted up in thought. "I may have a lead," he said at last.
"Where!" shrieked Misao excitedly, shaking Okina violently.
"C--calm down, Misao-chan!" he stuttered.
When the others had succeeded in pacifying Misao, Okina cleared his throat. "In the deep and mysterious reaches of yet unexplored China, there live many strange things and magic. We happen to be in the area of one of them now--the Chinese Maenad tribe. If indeed Lord Aoshi has fallen into the hands of these big-chested, curvy hipped, sexy, sensuous ladies who run around bare-naked without anything to cover their attributes at all in the forest," Okina was drooling slightly, "--his position is a very dangerous one." Okina's eyes flashed and he seemed to loom up before them. "These Chinese Maenads are so sex-crazed that they will keep him to absorb his true primal masculinity essence." Okina was now drooling heavily with a sappy smile pasted on his face as he envisioned some very perverted thoughts.
There was a silence broken only by the trilling of unseen insects as everyone in the group regarded Okina with bulging eyes.
"Oh, my..."said Kaoru finally, with flaming cheeks. Strange thoughts sprung into her mind--strangely detailed for a supposedly innocent young girl.
"Are you sure he's not just perverted?" asked Yahiko.
Megumi frowned at Kaoru's mental images. "Even I don't have thoughts like that! Should we even believe the old fart?"
"I am not lying," said Okina, somewhat hurt.
"Jiyaaaaa!!! Is this true?!" cried Misao. She clutched at his clothes. "What will happen to Lord Aoshi?"
Okina's face took on a terribly grave, wise and sad expression. "If Lord Aoshi's true masculine primal essence has indeed been destroyed, I am afraid the consequences will be very unpleasant indeed."
"Jiya..." whispered Misao.
"There can be two out comes. Either Lord Aoshi would have to become an eunuch and serve the Emperor for the rest of his life in the Forbidden City of China or he would immediately turn into a girl for the rest of his life, as the tiny amount of true primal feminine prissiness that is in the body of every man takes over."
A vision of Aoshi dressed as a geisha in the midst of flying flower petals entered unbidden into Misao's head. It was too much when the Aoshi in the vision smiled sweetly at her, batted his long eyelashes, and puckered up his red painted lips for a kiss. Misao's eyes rolled up in her head and she fainted on the spot.
Sometime later...
Misao crashed energetically through the forest. "Come on! We've got to go and rescue Lord Aoshi! Jiya! How much further?"
"Just right ahead!" puffed Okina sweating profusely.
"That weasel-girl sure has a lot of energy!" groaned Yahiko, sweating bullets. Kaoru and Megumi were too out of breath to answer.
Misao crashed through the thick foliage to suddenly find herself in a somewhat rustic village. In front of them there were a number of women wearing skimpy clothing--which barely covered their unmentionables were crowded around a huge bubbling cauldron, stirring it every now and then. Okina sniffed the air and licked his lips. "What's cooking? Smells delicious!"
In the pot, with only his head visible above the boiling liquid was Aoshi with his eyes going: X_X
"LORD AOSHIIIIII!!!" shrieked Misao. "WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO HIIM?!" She charged straight for them, her kunai daggers flying.
Yahiko nudged Okina. "Hey, I thought they were supposed to destroy his true primal essence or something--they look more like they're cooking him."
"I knew we shouldn't have believed him," muttered Megumi. "That old pervert's too dirty for words."
Okina was frowning, his eyebrows knitted together in thought. Suddenly an idea sign [a candle as they didn't have light bulbs those days] appeared above his head. "Well," he said slowly, "Either this is a new technique I haven't heard of yet or--this is not the Chinese Maenad tribe, but the tribe of Chinese Female Cannibals."
They stared at him, skeptically. In the background, Misao was busy yelling war cries and shearing her way through the Chinese Female Cannibals.
"Cannibals..." said Kaoru.
Yahiko frowned. "If that is the case--then where the heck didcha get that Chinese Maenad tribe idea in the first place? As far as I can tell it ain't in any of the Chinese legends I've ever heard."
"He probably got it from a book by some X-rated author," said Megumi disgustedly.
"Aheheheheh..."
"Er...guys..." came Kaoru's voice.
They turned around to face several Female Cannibals holding them at spear point. With no other choice, save certain grievous injury or death they slowly raised their hands in submission. In the village, Misao was at last overwhelmed by the sheer numbers and greater skills of the Cannibals, who were also skilled martial artists. She managed to crack the bottom of the pot, however and now hot soup was leaking out of it. As her vision blurred, her last sight was that of Aoshi's face, barely a few inches away. "Lord A--oshi..." Misao whispered, with an arm outstretched.
Later, in another cooking pot of the Cannibals...
The group were all bound head and foot, sitting in the pot which held some kind of soup. An insanely grinning cannibal with a nose ring and bone necklace was stirring the pot. It was not yet boiling, but getting hotter by the minute.
"Yahiko," said Okina. "Is Lord Aoshi alright? You're next to him."
Yahiko nudged Aoshi slightly with his shoulder. The okashira's eyes were still X-ed and he slumped over face first with a plop into the soup. Erk...
"Um...I think he's dead," Yahiko whispered to Okina. "The pot was already boiling when we found him remember?" Misao was still unconscious.
"What?!" yelled Okina. "It can't be!"
The Cannibal hit him with an iron spoon. "Food keep quiet now or we eat raw!" she threatened.
"Check again!" hissed Okina. "And pull his face out of the soup! It wouldn't do to have the okashira drown if he is still alive!"
Yahiko yanked Aoshi out by the collar, using his teeth.
"What are we going to dooo?" wailed Kaoru. Kenshin...she thought miserably. I can't die here! I want to see him again! If I died--he'll be so miserable! But how? We can't even move! Oh, Kenshin...
"I think Aoshi's still alive," said Megumi. "I don't know how, but he seemed to be breathing ever since you pulled him outta that soup, Yahiko."
"We use rare herbs of medicinal qualities in our cooking," said a Cannibal, walking towards them. She smiled maliciously, showing her sharp teeth. "Though it can't bring back the dead, it can bring back someone on the very edge of death itself--even one who is barely breathing."
Misao woke up with a groan. "Lord Aoshi..." she murmured, groggily.
The Cannibal reached out and pulled Aoshi's face upwards. She smiled.
"Hey!" yelled Misao, waking up completely. "What are you doing?!"
The Female Cannibal smiled again. "This pervert [he's amazingly handsome though] walked in on some of my ladies when they were taking a bath. As a punishment, we're going to eat him." The Cannibal's mouth suddenly stretched to an impossible size elongated enough to fit Aoshi's entire body into his mouth. Soon Aoshi's long legs were the only things dangling out of the Female Cannibal's mouth. The rest of him was inside the Cannibal's now bulging mouth.
"AOSHI!!!" screamed Misao, for once omitting Aoshi's title.
Yahiko used his teeth to grab onto the end of Aoshi's pants, trying to prevent him from being swallowed up further. Misao joined in, grabbing the end of the left leg pants. "Don't worry, Lord Aoshi! We'll save yoooooouuu!!!" she cried, through her nose. A fierce tug brought most of Aoshi out save for his head. The Female Cannibal clung on desperately.
Okina surveyed the scene half in horror and half in thoughtfulness. As he watched, he suddenly snapped his fingers. "I've got it! This is like that classic tale of that shogun!"
"What do you mean?" asked Megumi.
Okina took a deep breath.
"Long ago, two mothers were fighting over a child. They both claimed that the child was theirs. This matter eventually was brought before the wise and benevolent shogun of Japan. After hearing the mothers' tale, he intelligently declared: `Thou shalt have a Tug-O-War with the child. The true mother shalt win!'
Okina clenched his fist. "The mother's love was strong! The child was torn in half--so the shogun thus declared: `Yee both be the real mothers of this child! Go thee now to ye homes in peace and use super glue to fix thy child back!' "
Megumi face-faulted. "No wonder the Shogunate ended..." she muttered. "With people like that ruling the country..."
Okina was still continuing: "The teeth of the weasel and the Cannibal are strong!"
"So Lord Aoshi's going to be torn in half?" asked Kaoru weakly.
[SHRIIIPPPP]
Kaoru and Megumi screamed.
"Lord Aoshi!!!" yelled Okina. Then he paused. "Well, the teeth of the weasel may be strong, but the fabric of the okashira's pants are not!" Now the left pants leg of Aoshi's trousers was missing. Something like a white loin cloth with a pink flower pattern could be seen.
"Oh my," said Kaoru.
"Nice butt," approved Megumi.
The Cannibal seemed to gloat and sucked Aoshi into its mouth, dragging Yahiko along who was still determinedly hanging on.
"Lord Aoshiiii!!!!" screamed Misao.
"Yahiko!!!" yelled Kaoru and Megumi.
Suddenly there were several `shick' sounds, like something thin and sharp embedding themselves into a solid human back.
The Cannibal's eyes widened and she violently spat Aoshi and Yahiko out. Several blood-red roses were stuck in her back. She yanked them out and looked up.
Unidentifiable music from an unidentifiable source started to play. Everyone looked up. There, standing atop a wooden post with his arms folded was Saitou Hajime...in a tuxedo and a top hat...
"I am Tux-Saitou Mask. How dare you cook harmless old men, women, and children? And to top it off you are eating people raw and alive!"
Everybody face-faulted.
"What the heck is going on here?" said Yahiko.
"You shall be punished! Sanomoon, now!"
Sano appeared in a sailor fuku, holding a mini pink zanbatou with little white wings on the handle. "My name is Sanomoon and in the name of the Moon I shall punish you!"
Yahiko choked.
Sano struck a number of weird poses and vanquished the Cannibal with a hefty Moon Healing Escalation. The rest of the Cannibals immediately ran away from the weird guy in a mini skirt.
"What is going on here..." muttered Yahiko.
"Great--rooster brain's snapped," said Megumi. "Looks like Tuxedo Kamen there is too."
The others were too speechless to make much comment.
"Sanomoon," said Saitou.
"Tux-Saitou Kamen," squealed Sano, his eyes shiny and big. The air was suddenly filled with rose petals and shiny bubbles surrounded in the pink haze one usually sees after a dose of one of the more erotic hallucinogens.
"What's with all the sugar?" wondered Yahiko. That was when Sano suddenly flew in to Saitou's arms and tried to give him a big kiss.
Everybody screamed--with the exception of Aoshi, who was too busy staring at himself in his mammoth mirror. "Ah, you are beautiful even when covered with disgusting germ filled saliva!"
"Aoshi-sama!" moaned Misao.
"I can't watch," said Kaoru. She turned to Megumi who looked...well rather mad.
"Rooster-head!" she yelled. "What do you think you're doing?!"
Sano turned to look at Megumi, in a surprisingly feminine way.
To be continued by author later... [she's too lazy to do it now]
Failed Scenes section:
Misao rubbed her eyes as she stared incredulously at the little creature on the table. It looked like a chubby little pink-faced gaijin baby, wearing diapers and with ridiculously puny wings. Slung over its shoulder, was a little quiver of cute little arrows and in its hands was a fat little bow.
"Miss Makimachi Misao, right?" asked the creature.
"Wha--wha--what are you?!" said Misao with a gaping jaw while pointing furiously at it. "H--how the heck did you get in my room?!"
The fat baby grinned and extended his arm to Misao who just stared at it with bulging eyes. "Cupid, son of Aphrodite the Goddess of Love at your service!"
"Afro--who?" mumbled Misao, examining the baby suspiciously. Her initial shock had given away to curiosity. She gingerly pulled up one of Cupid's small white wings. "Wow...a talking one month old with wings...are they real?" Misao gave it a hard tug much to the chagrin of Cupid. "What are you, some kind of demon spirit? Or one of the fairy children? I always thought they didn't exist but..."
"Will you stop that!" snapped Cupid yanking back his wing. "I am not a play thing! I am NOT one month old! I am in fact thousands of years old!" He frowned at Misao for a moment. "I am here to help you."
Misao looked skeptical. "A gaijin baby wants to help me?"
Cupid's frown deepened. "I am telling you again: I AM NOT A BABY!"
"Then why do you wear diapers?"
"It's just a rule they made up back on Olympus," said the fuming Cupid. "Cupid must look like a sweet baby--Cupid must wear diapers--Cupid can't have big strong body like Hercules etc. etc..."
Most of this went past Misao who was getting more and more confused by the second.
"...anyway as the son of the Goddess of Love, I have been sent to solve the problems of your love life."
Mean ideas that will appear later section:
1. Lustful cigarette
2. Sailor Bishounen Soldier Senshi Sanomoon--Spring of Drowned Sailor Moon
3. Tux-Saitou Mask--Spring of Drowned Tuxedo Mask
4. Saito X Sano--Star-crossed yaoi lovers
5. Gato-sue--Spring of Drowned Lawyer--Saitou is now really the most feared of the Miburo! Aku Soku SUE
6. "Do you want them to commit seppuku?" Yahiko asks.
7. Aoshi in metal cooking pot
8. Sell Aoshi in a tin and put poison
9.
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10.