Mukashi no Koibito
8 : Memories of Autumn
Walking down the long corridor of her ward toward the lift lobby, Megumi yanked impatiently at her ponytail to come loose. She combed her hair with her fingers as she waited for the lift to arrive on her floor. It was late evening and the end of her shift, a time that always lifted her mood. Though she loved her work as one did a calling in life, there was only one thing that she craved at the end of a tired day.
Making her way out of the hospital building and down the long flight of steps that led to the pavement, she smiled when she saw the familiar figure sitting on the lower steps. Just from that unruly hair alone she could pick him out of any crowd.
"Konbanwa!" she called out.
Turning at the sound of her voice, he raised one hand in greeting at seeing her. He remained where he was though, instead of running up toward her as he usually did. Frowning petulantly, she made her way down the rest of the steps. Different from his usual spirited self, Sanosuke had been somewhat subdued recently.
As she neared, she heard a faint tune coming from his lips. Only as she sat herself down next to him did she realize he was holding a small leaf to his mouth and blowing into it, creating the slightly moody tune.
"Where did you learn to do that?"
"Maybe it's something I picked up from before."
He let the leaf fall to the ground, where it joined the few of its brethren. It was autumn already and the trees were slowly beginning to shed their leaves.
"Konbanwa," he greeted her, then kissed her indulgently. "I'm hungry."
"So am I!"
He stood up and offered his hand to her. She took it, letting him pull her up in one quick motion. Not letting go of each other's hand, they began to walk slowly through the streets. He was silent, thoughtful almost, but Megumi knew he was rarely thoughtful. His habit was to act impulsively on whatever came to mind, curse the skies down when he made a mistake, and then do the same thing all over again the next time.
They walked in silence like that, with him holding her hand a little more tightly than usual, as was his tendency lately, until they reached 'their' restaurant. It was what she called the place where they shared their first meal together, for lack of anything better to call it. The signboard was still conspicuously missing, and would probably remain so until the place collapsed.
As he shoved the stiff door aside to let her enter, he said quietly, "This is the Akabeko."
"What?"
"The Akabeko was where I used to eat with Kenshin and Kaoru and Yahiko."
"Sano… you remember?"
After so long, after all her own memories of her past, he was finally remembering his. She had expected it would happen someday, but not quite today. Was this the reason for his change in moods? There were many good memories, she now knew, but maybe he remembered the unhappy events. Yet his affection toward her had not changed, only grown. He was even becoming possessive.
He took her hand and led her to a table.
"I remember some things. This place, the Kenshin-gumi…" he paused, as if recalling the memory.
Then he looked pointedly at her, the expression in his brown eyes difficult to decipher. "And I remember you."
By conventional wisdom it was the fox that cornered the chicken, but at this moment the notion was overturned. If he remembered them the way she had, then what she had told him would now seem like lies. Perhaps like half-truths on a good day, but Sanosuke was hardly his usual happy self. It appeared that he had been remembering for some time now, to know this much.
"What about me?" she asked slowly.
"Truth isn't always what we want to hear."
Sanosuke smiled crookedly at her, the imperfection of the smile more comforting than if he had flashed his usual grin, for she realized then that he empathized with her dishonesty. The smile disappeared but a moment later, which was when he told her.
---
Bringing the sake jug to his lips, Sanosuke took an unrestrained swig of the liquid. He winced. The sharpness of truly strong sake had the effect of elucidating the senses at first, then bringing one down into a drunken stupor soon after. In a few moments he would be too inebriated to feel the ache, even though it felt terrible now.
Shivering somewhat, he pulled his gi tighter around his chest, for the chilly night air was nipping at the bare flesh. A cold night and warm sake were the best complements for each other. Yet another mouthful was testament to that. If only he was not sitting alone on the steps of the training house, while the rest of the occupants of the Kamiya dojo slept soundly in their rooms. He wondered how long he could last before boredom forced him back to the guestroom.
Resting his head against his knees, he closed his eyes. He gave himself to the reeling sensation. Then suddenly in the blackness he sensed the presence of another, and heavily he raised his head. It was Megumi, looking like a spirit in a pristine white yukata and bare feet. He laughed at the illusion of Megumi, or his own foolishness, whichever made more sense.
"Am I so amusing?"
The teasing sarcasm of her voice was unmistakable. He paused to stare critically at her, then laughed wildly.
"Can't sleep?" he asked, trying not to slur too much as he did so.
He beckoned for her to join him, then edged a little to the side of the narrow step so that she could sit beside him. Megumi accepted his invitation; she was certainly being acquiescent today. Abruptly he thrust the sake jug at her.
"You should have some, makes the words flow easier."
Once again, she complied with him, although this time she appeared somewhat hesitant. It pleased him immensely when he witnessed her lips touch the mouth of the jug as she drank. It was where his mouth had been just a few moments ago. This circuitous method of kissing was a long forgotten childhood memory, one that he retrieved now with ease. A cheeky little boy, the kind of boy he had been, would boldly point out such an occurrence to the other children, who would then giggle nervously, but not without some glee.
"It's a beautiful night," she said as she threw her head back to look up at the sky.
He followed her action, but quickly jerked his head upright when the tiny stars dotting the dark blue night began to swirl in a confusing mess. He leveled his gaze to her face instead. The light wind was blowing her hair about, so that the long strands occasionally shrouded her profile from his sight.
"It is, more so when you have a good woman by your side."
She laughed, "How does sake dull your brain yet sweeten your tongue?"
"Wasn't sake that made me say those words, but you'd never see that."
He felt sorry for the silence that followed. If he let it continue she might just go away. While it was better that she did, rare was the time when the kitsune-onna was so willing. Maybe it was because she would be leaving for Aizu soon, which made her a nicer person. No, not nicer, for she was a good person already. In frustration he put his hand against his forehead, where the skin felt hot. How to speak of Megumi's behavior tonight?
It certainly was a surprise when he felt her hand on his knee. The feeling was very nice. He realized it then, that tonight she was responding to him. Dazedly he wondered if she would slap him if he tried to kiss her. Such an impulsive thought was followed by no less than incredulity, for the idea that he would dare to attempt it with her now was shocking even to his befuddled self. Shocking, but no less tempting. It was a vulgar act among adults, the kind of thing that was only practiced openly in the red-lantern district, nestled in the dark underbelly of downtown Tokyo.
The gaudy brothels that littered the area were where a drunken Sanosuke had found himself wandering into many troubled nights, to be led by the chatty proprietress to a girl, any girl; it was obvious from his confused manner that he did not care. And as long as he had the money to pay, nobody else there cared either. Sometimes he pretended the girl his hips were bucking against was Megumi; sometimes he was content to revel in the unthinking carnality of the act itself. So it was that the occasional teahouse girl came to soothe the hurt, but those girls never did anything for the heart.
He moved a little closer, intending to try his luck. He liked to gamble anyway, loser or no. She would be leaving in a few days, why not give them both something to remember, for better or worse.
"What do you know, Sano? A boy mistakes lust for love."
Shimatta.
He withdrew. Now her words would provoke thought, and when he was thinking, he lost the good part of courage. She had called him a boy. That he could not deny, but the implications were insulting, as if youth made him stupid. So he was not the brightest of men, not like she deserved, yet there were some things he knew well enough. He knew all about lust, having been introduced to it at an early age. Because he knew it so well, he understood that what he felt for her went entirely beyond it.
Though slightly lewd, it was perfect reasoning to him. Still it was not something he would tell the respected Takani-sensei. Her opinion of him was low enough. He should not do any more to widen the breach between them. That, as well as the realization that she was complicated in a way that overwhelmed him, had forced him to keep a respectful distance. But tonight he was drunk and closer to her than he had ever been. It made him heady thinking about it. He imagined he could even smell her scent, something only faintly sweet, like a lonely flower about to bloom.
Tentatively he turned his head slightly to look at her. The kitsune-onna was looking ahead at nothing. Her hand was still on his knee, the fingers caressing the fabric of his pants absently. He took a long drink from the jug. Impulsively he leaned over and kissed her, regretting that he reeked of sake but seeking her mouth nonetheless. His mouth landed awkwardly, somewhere between the tapered left end of her lip and her smooth cheek. She stiffened with shock at the act, and he took advantage to quickly shift his head so that his mouth was pressed fully against hers this time. Yet she did not pull away from him, nor slap him like he thought she might. Though she did not respond, her lips parted slightly as his mouth moved against hers. He tried his best to be gentle, fighting off the urge to kiss her roughly.
The only reason why he broke the kiss was because dawn would break in a few minutes. The dark sky was slowly fading to a pale hue, the furtiveness of night defeated by the glare of light. Soon everyone would rise and pollute the day with normalcy again. Megumi leaned her head against his chest briefly, and then she eased out of his embrace.
"Angst doesn't become you, Sano."
He rose to the challenge as habit dictated.
"Che, you always think you know everything!"
Then he smiled at her, trying not to let his sadness stain the smile. She laughed softly as she gave the ragged end of the ribbon hanging over his shoulder a light tug, and then got up from the steps to leave.
Nothing had changed; he still did not understand the woman, and she would still be leaving for Aizu in a few precious days. Yet he did get what he wanted from the night, and as his intoxicated mind would have him believe, maybe she did too.