The Story Where Everybody But Link Is A Hero
by The Unholy Goddess of Affection, Razzabeth
Disclaimer: Why would I post it on FANfiction.net if it wasn't a work of I, a FAN, and not one of the original creator? SHNYAW!!
Plot: Link.. has problems. Ganondorf is back, and slightly loopy from all that solitary confinement. It's up to Tatl, Tael, and a group of mismatched heros and heroines to save the day, and help Link fix his brain. A really random thing that I thought of while listening to the Buffy Musical soundtrack. Blame me not!
For once, everything was perfectly normal. Hyrule was safe, nothing wacky was happening anywhere in the world.
The Gerudos were heavily guarding their heavily guarded fortress. It wasn't really necessary, since anyone stupid enough to even attempt to infiltrate it was also usually loud and clumsy.
Most of the Zora swam through their underwater city, it being the time of day that the adult Zora went to work. The children played and splashed in the waterfall, nervous servants fed Lord Jabu-Jabu. The shopkeeper composed poetry.
The Gorons ate rocks.
Kakariko Village was also going about the usual daily routines. Anju was desperatly trying to feed her chickens without breaking out in hives. The guard who barred the way to Death Mountain was asleep at his post. A little spaz of a boy was jumping up and down all over the place, begging people to give him some crack (codenamed 'C'). Dampe's ghost cackled crazily, chasing away some small hylians who had decided to sneak into the graveyard.
The castle town was bustling with buisness. Several people stopped to stare at two men standing by a tree. One was eternally laughing at the other, and the other was eternally insisting on seeing something odd ("Elvis, I tell you! Back from the dead!")
Lon Lon Ranch? Buisness as usual. Ingo was slacking off in the stables, jerking to the latest issue of PlayHylian. Malon was up in her room, singing to herself and playing with her hair. Talon snoozed away in the chicken house.
But, even though everything looked fine and dandy from the surface, something was not right at all in the spirit realm. The old Sage of Light who guarded the door to Ganondorf's prison looked up from the five cards he held in his hand at the Sage of Shadow, with a grave look in his eyes.
"Go fish."
"Aw, fuck."
Impa didn't have long to mourn, however, as the world suddenly exploded.
...
Okay, I lied. The world didn't explode. But that's what it looked, felt, and sounded like to the two sages.
Ganondorf's prison burst apart in a terrible explosion of colorless light.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! FREEDOM!" he bellowed, and vanished in a swirl of shadow and lightening.
Sage of Light and Sage of Shadow blinked in unison.
"Um.. shit."
But wait! I forgot to tell you what was happening in the Kokiri Village. Aw, don't worry, it wasn't anything terribly interesting then. But now.. now, it's a different story altogether.
Ring ring! "Tatl, did you feel that?!"
Ring ring! "Yeah, Tael! Some big shit's going down!"
Ring ring! "We better wake that little bastard up. I don't know why we followed him back here.."
RINGRINGRINGRING!!
"What the fu~ck!" Link squealed, voice cracking, and fell out of bed.
The two fairies winced. "Goddess damn, Link! What's with the high notes?"
Link scowled, untangling himself from his sheets. "What hi~gh note~s?" Link blinked, realizing that the tildas in his speech signified the places where his voice did, indeed, crack. "Holy sh~i~t! I must've hi~t pube~rty! CO~OL!" Link jumped to his feet.. and promptly hit his head on the ceiling, which had mysteriously gotten shorter. He fell backwards onto the hardwood floor, hitting his head a second time, and the two fairies watched a pool of blood form under the now-unconcious boy's head.
Ring ring! "Oh, how the mighty hath fallen." Tael said.
Ring ring! "How did this idiot manage to defeat Majora's incarnations?"
Ring ring! "Fucking dumbass." Tael scowled as best as a flying ball of light could scowl. "LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!! WAKE UP BITCH!"
Link didn't move.
Ring ring! "Oh, dear." Tatl said.
Ring ring! "I'll go get a stick."
Tael zipped out the door, and came back with a good sized twig. He flew over to Link, poking at him a few times with it. Link did nothing, and his body made 'squish' noises beneath the twig's prodding.
Ring ring! "I think he's dead, Tatl." Tael continued poking, amusing himself with the 'squish' noises.
Ring ring! "Oh my Goddess, Tael! That's disgusting! Stop it!"
Ring ring! "Well, what do we do now?" Tael asked, dropping the stick.
Ring ring! "Uh.."
Silence. Kokiri children played happily outside. A fly buzzed in, and landed on one of Link's open eyes. The fly's proboscis extended, and it began eating Link's eye juices.
Ring ring! "HOLY FUCK!!" Tatl squeaked, and flew out of the treehouse.
Ring ring! "Hehe, cool." Tael said, watching for a few minutes before joining his sister.
Ring ring! "Dude, what are we going to do? Ganondorf's back, I can feel it! And Link's dead!"
Ring ring! "Eh.. I dunno.. I guess we're gonna have to find another Hero of Time.."
Ring ring! "You idiot! He was the only one!"
Ring ring! "Then.. I guess we'll have to find a bunch of little heros to make up for the loss of the one big one?"
Ring ring! "Huh.. well, that might work. But where are we going to find a band of idiot heros big enough and gullible enough to defeat Ganondorf?"
Tatl and Tael looked around. Elf children minded their daily buisness of laughing and playing. Link's cow mooed from its place at the foot of the tree. Far away, a cuccoo crowed.
Ring ring! "Okay, I give up. Let's go watch the fly slowly consume Link's body."
Ring ring! "..."
Elsewhere, in Ganondorf's hideout.. evil was afoot..
"See, Mooki? I told you I was the leader of armies of unimaginable evil. Aw, Mooki, I love you too." Ganondorf said, chattering away to his invisible friend.
The Stalchildren, Wolfos, and Deku Scrubs exchanged glances.
"I guess 3 years of solitary confinement does that to ya.." Random Stalchild 1 whispered.
"SILENCE!!" Ganondorf bellowed. "I will not have talk of TREASON in my army!" At the word treason, black lightning appeared, crawling dangerously over his closed fists. A storm cloud formed over his head. "There is only one thing you need to know.." Without warning, the storm cloud and lightning disappeared, and Ganondorf laid down on the floor, curled up in the fetal position. "Mooki protects me from th-the birds.."
Ganondorf's minions of unspeakable evil once again exchanged glances.
What will happen next?! Is Link really dead? How fucked over IS Ganon's head, anyways? Will Elvis share his secret of resurrection? All will be revealed in the next episode, entitled "Ingo Saves The Day!" or, "What would you do, oo oo, for a Klondike Bar?"
by The Unholy Goddess of Affection, Razzabeth
Disclaimer: Why would I post it on FANfiction.net if it wasn't a work of I, a FAN, and not one of the original creator? SHNYAW!!
Plot: Link.. has problems. Ganondorf is back, and slightly loopy from all that solitary confinement. It's up to Tatl, Tael, and a group of mismatched heros and heroines to save the day, and help Link fix his brain. A really random thing that I thought of while listening to the Buffy Musical soundtrack. Blame me not!
For once, everything was perfectly normal. Hyrule was safe, nothing wacky was happening anywhere in the world.
The Gerudos were heavily guarding their heavily guarded fortress. It wasn't really necessary, since anyone stupid enough to even attempt to infiltrate it was also usually loud and clumsy.
Most of the Zora swam through their underwater city, it being the time of day that the adult Zora went to work. The children played and splashed in the waterfall, nervous servants fed Lord Jabu-Jabu. The shopkeeper composed poetry.
The Gorons ate rocks.
Kakariko Village was also going about the usual daily routines. Anju was desperatly trying to feed her chickens without breaking out in hives. The guard who barred the way to Death Mountain was asleep at his post. A little spaz of a boy was jumping up and down all over the place, begging people to give him some crack (codenamed 'C'). Dampe's ghost cackled crazily, chasing away some small hylians who had decided to sneak into the graveyard.
The castle town was bustling with buisness. Several people stopped to stare at two men standing by a tree. One was eternally laughing at the other, and the other was eternally insisting on seeing something odd ("Elvis, I tell you! Back from the dead!")
Lon Lon Ranch? Buisness as usual. Ingo was slacking off in the stables, jerking to the latest issue of PlayHylian. Malon was up in her room, singing to herself and playing with her hair. Talon snoozed away in the chicken house.
But, even though everything looked fine and dandy from the surface, something was not right at all in the spirit realm. The old Sage of Light who guarded the door to Ganondorf's prison looked up from the five cards he held in his hand at the Sage of Shadow, with a grave look in his eyes.
"Go fish."
"Aw, fuck."
Impa didn't have long to mourn, however, as the world suddenly exploded.
...
Okay, I lied. The world didn't explode. But that's what it looked, felt, and sounded like to the two sages.
Ganondorf's prison burst apart in a terrible explosion of colorless light.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! FREEDOM!" he bellowed, and vanished in a swirl of shadow and lightening.
Sage of Light and Sage of Shadow blinked in unison.
"Um.. shit."
But wait! I forgot to tell you what was happening in the Kokiri Village. Aw, don't worry, it wasn't anything terribly interesting then. But now.. now, it's a different story altogether.
Ring ring! "Tatl, did you feel that?!"
Ring ring! "Yeah, Tael! Some big shit's going down!"
Ring ring! "We better wake that little bastard up. I don't know why we followed him back here.."
RINGRINGRINGRING!!
"What the fu~ck!" Link squealed, voice cracking, and fell out of bed.
The two fairies winced. "Goddess damn, Link! What's with the high notes?"
Link scowled, untangling himself from his sheets. "What hi~gh note~s?" Link blinked, realizing that the tildas in his speech signified the places where his voice did, indeed, crack. "Holy sh~i~t! I must've hi~t pube~rty! CO~OL!" Link jumped to his feet.. and promptly hit his head on the ceiling, which had mysteriously gotten shorter. He fell backwards onto the hardwood floor, hitting his head a second time, and the two fairies watched a pool of blood form under the now-unconcious boy's head.
Ring ring! "Oh, how the mighty hath fallen." Tael said.
Ring ring! "How did this idiot manage to defeat Majora's incarnations?"
Ring ring! "Fucking dumbass." Tael scowled as best as a flying ball of light could scowl. "LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!! WAKE UP BITCH!"
Link didn't move.
Ring ring! "Oh, dear." Tatl said.
Ring ring! "I'll go get a stick."
Tael zipped out the door, and came back with a good sized twig. He flew over to Link, poking at him a few times with it. Link did nothing, and his body made 'squish' noises beneath the twig's prodding.
Ring ring! "I think he's dead, Tatl." Tael continued poking, amusing himself with the 'squish' noises.
Ring ring! "Oh my Goddess, Tael! That's disgusting! Stop it!"
Ring ring! "Well, what do we do now?" Tael asked, dropping the stick.
Ring ring! "Uh.."
Silence. Kokiri children played happily outside. A fly buzzed in, and landed on one of Link's open eyes. The fly's proboscis extended, and it began eating Link's eye juices.
Ring ring! "HOLY FUCK!!" Tatl squeaked, and flew out of the treehouse.
Ring ring! "Hehe, cool." Tael said, watching for a few minutes before joining his sister.
Ring ring! "Dude, what are we going to do? Ganondorf's back, I can feel it! And Link's dead!"
Ring ring! "Eh.. I dunno.. I guess we're gonna have to find another Hero of Time.."
Ring ring! "You idiot! He was the only one!"
Ring ring! "Then.. I guess we'll have to find a bunch of little heros to make up for the loss of the one big one?"
Ring ring! "Huh.. well, that might work. But where are we going to find a band of idiot heros big enough and gullible enough to defeat Ganondorf?"
Tatl and Tael looked around. Elf children minded their daily buisness of laughing and playing. Link's cow mooed from its place at the foot of the tree. Far away, a cuccoo crowed.
Ring ring! "Okay, I give up. Let's go watch the fly slowly consume Link's body."
Ring ring! "..."
Elsewhere, in Ganondorf's hideout.. evil was afoot..
"See, Mooki? I told you I was the leader of armies of unimaginable evil. Aw, Mooki, I love you too." Ganondorf said, chattering away to his invisible friend.
The Stalchildren, Wolfos, and Deku Scrubs exchanged glances.
"I guess 3 years of solitary confinement does that to ya.." Random Stalchild 1 whispered.
"SILENCE!!" Ganondorf bellowed. "I will not have talk of TREASON in my army!" At the word treason, black lightning appeared, crawling dangerously over his closed fists. A storm cloud formed over his head. "There is only one thing you need to know.." Without warning, the storm cloud and lightning disappeared, and Ganondorf laid down on the floor, curled up in the fetal position. "Mooki protects me from th-the birds.."
Ganondorf's minions of unspeakable evil once again exchanged glances.
What will happen next?! Is Link really dead? How fucked over IS Ganon's head, anyways? Will Elvis share his secret of resurrection? All will be revealed in the next episode, entitled "Ingo Saves The Day!" or, "What would you do, oo oo, for a Klondike Bar?"