It was kind of funny how the seven-foot plus tall members of the tribe would cower at the sight of my father's smaller, more compact frame. All their power and bravado at the sight of me walking in instantly fading away when he came into view. I watched as their lips began to quiver, knees began to shake, and a few hands closing over a few mouths. It was kind of funny seeing these giants trembling and mumbling and some even weeping like little babies.
In reality this was the last place on earth I wanted to be.
My father wanted me to be there.
I had no choice.
I looked at him and the calm smile that never left his face.
You have no idea how much that smile scared me.
We'd found the refugee's of the pack I'd encountered holed up in an abandoned warehouse down by the docks. I swear that area in primetime real estate for monsters. It was a step up from that shack in the wood I'd seen them at. Nearly thirty of them stood stock still, weeping to themselves. They knew no mercy would be shown to them, yet they still begged for it. My father showed no reaction to their pleas. And after a few minutes of the big stare down I heard the prayers change from one's of to mercy, to death being quick and painless.
"You keep your eyes open son," my father said to me, his voice so cool and collected. "You see what we do to traitors."
His raised his hands above his head and a rumble of miserable moans passed through the crowd. I lifted my own hand to my eyes to shield them from the blinding light of the power about to spew forth, but it never came. It was eerily silent as well. I put my hands down and looked to see every single man, minus my father and I, twitching uncontrollably.
For that first second I'm confused.
I didn't understand exactly what he was doing.
Did we just give traitors nervous ticks?
How could this possibly show me any..?
That's when smoke started to rise from their bodies. Thick black clouds pouring out of them.
I didn't understand.
There was no blinding light of energy to focus on. Nothing to show me that yes, these men were being punished for their attempted coup. All I recognized was the smoke. And at that moment it seemed kind of meaningless. Try to kill the prince and what do you get? Some singed skin and a case of the shakes? Woopdeefrickin'do.
And then the screaming started.
Terrifying wails of agony filling the empty warehouse with an enormous irruption of sound.
I fell to my knees when I realized what my father was doing.
He was cooking them from the inside out.
Could I do that? Would I do that?
I looked up at my father expecting to see some sadistic joy on his face. Something to feed the fire of my hatred toward him. But I saw nothing. His face was a blank slate. For the first time since I was eight years old... I wanted my mother.
I retched when the smell hit me.
Let me guess? Gross right? Well you try to hold your lunch when you catch the aroma of disgusting demon organs roasting like a Christmas goose. We'll see how long your turkey sandwich stays down then won't we?
Slowly the howls of their pain began to fade away as I heard the sound of each of them collapse into a heap on the ground. I refused to look back up at my father, staring intently at the gray concrete floor. He was speaking to me but I was nowhere near listening to him. My eyes grew heavy, the thick blackness in my mind weighing them down. I collapsed to the ground and the blackness moved to claim my whole body.
I welcomed it with open arms.
***
My father left me there.
I woke up on the cold concrete floor in the same position I'd collapsed in. My head was still spinning and my stomach still in knots. The puddle of my own vomit still lay a foot away, mocking me for my own lack of control. I looked around but couldn't see anything. It was pitch black. The stench of charred remains still hung heavy in the air and threatened to send me back to the floor, but pushed myself to my feet and stumbled around on weak knees. It was too dark to see where a door was. It took another full minute of two to realize that I didn't even need a flashlight or some matches.
Forgive me for not realizing the obvious right away.
I'm still adjusting.
I clenched my fist closed and gently willed a small beam of light to radiate from my hand. The soft red glow allowed me to see a few feet in front of me and maybe even be able to find a way out. Too bad it was another bonehead mistake.
Thirty blank faces stared back at me with eyes melted right out of their skulls.
Deranged faces.
Unflinching faces.
Unblinking faces.
Inhuman faces.
Dead faces.
They weren't burned to ash like my own power tended to do. This was different. This was deliberate. I knew my father had left them whole for a reason. Sure they were burned out blackened shells of what they used to be, but whole just the same. In death their human forms reverted back to their true form. My stomach clenched as I stared at the rotting flesh of my true body, and bit my hand to keep the bile back. I knew my father had left me and them here on purpose. He did it so I could see what would happen to those who opposed us. Even member of our own tribe wouldn't be spared. This is what he wanted me to learn. This is what he wanted me to do. I was getting damn sick of his lessons.
I found my way out in the dark.
***
It was raining when I finally made it outside. It didn't bother at all. I felt so dirty after the whole night I felt like I needed a shower anyway. The rain was cold and clean. The streets of Sunnydale unwound in front of me as I walked aimlessly all over town. I wasn't up to going back to my house yet. I didn't want to see my father again. Not now, maybe not ever. I was tired, so tired of everything. I'd reached a point where I was just tired of being me.
For a second I thought about putting my own hand to my head and just turning it to vapor.
It would have been so easy.
Just one little move, one little thought and it all would be over.
I threw my hands up in the air and twirled around in the rain laughing at my own stupidity.
I may have been slowly going crazy. But I wasn't *that* stupid.
Besides.
There was no way I was going to die without taking my father with me.
***
I don't know how long I roamed around, kicking through puddles, letting myself get soaked to the bone. Time wasn't important. My destination wasn't a factor. But slowly, almost surely, my body kept leading me to a familiar neighborhood. And without even realizing it I was suddenly right in front of her house. I briefly thought about the last time I was here. She and I laughed together in her kitchen, making funny faces at each other and choking on our apple juice. It was only four days ago. How can a person suddenly feel so old in such a short amount of time?
Oh wait...
Nevermind.
The tree on the side of the house wasn't that hard to climb. I can see why it was so easy for Angel to perch himself here night after night. And... I really didn't want to think about that much more. I sat on the small bit of roof in front of her window, struggling for traction on the rain-slicked tiles. As soon as I saw her sleeping peacefully on her bed I felt a little better.
Okay.
I felt a lot better.
It was something I couldn't explain.
It was something I didn't want to explain.
I tapped on her window and instantly she shot out of bed. That's one of the benefits of slayer instincts right there. No one could get the drop on you when you were sleeping. She came to the window with stake in hand and opened it slowly.
"Xander?" She nearly shouted when she saw that it was me. "What are you doing..."?
She didn't finish her sentence as she looked me up and down and quickly grabbed the front of my shirt and yanked me inside. It was the warmth of her room to make me realize how cold I was. My teeth chattered loudly and she ran out for a second. She came back with a towel and wrapped it around my shoulders before pulling me into an embrace.
"You're soaked," she said. "What are you doing walking around in the rain at this time of night?"
I still don't know what possessed me.
I collapsed into her arms and she held onto me like I was a small child. I was grateful for her presence. She knew I was hurting. She knew exactly how to handle me. She cooed words that meant nothing into my ear, just making her voice as soothing as possible. It was so nice that the guilt inside threatened to eat me alive. I wrapped my arms tightly around her. Wanting to squeeze the cold out, wanting to let her warmth fill in the hollowness my body had become. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks and made no effort to hide them. She just rocked me back and forth. We'd always been friends but right then she was my lifeline. The last remaining staple in my human existence. She's what kept me human. She's what kept me wishing to remain that way.
I...
I loved her.
Of course I've always had. But this was different. Because somehow I knew that somewhere out in the realm of possibility was the chance that she might actually love me back. Despite the lies. Despite what I was. It was a comforting thought floating in the vortex of chaos in my mind. She loved Angel. He was a vampire. I was a demon. She could love me just the same. At least I hoped she could. Because I was pretty sure I needed her too.
"What is it?" She asked gently. "What's wrong?"
"I..."
"You can tell me."
No I can't.
"I..."
Yes I can.
"Well..."
She pulled me onto her bed and placed my head in her lap. She ran her hands softly over my wet hair and waited patiently for me to get the words out. They didn't seem to want to move passed my tongue. I clung to her like she was a life raft saving me from the savagery of the sea. I was drowning in my own thoughts and deceptions and lies. I was sinking to the bottom, the air leaving my lungs with each passing second.
"Please," I managed to gasp out. "Could we... Could we just lie here for awhile? No questions?"
"Sure Xand," she replied smiling down at me.
"Thank you," I said closing my eyes. "I just need to feel human for awhile."
I could feel her curiosity at my words and the fact that she did nothing to hide it. I made myself a promise. After all she'd done for me these last few weeks, the closer we'd become, the feelings that were slowly beginning to build into something. The least I could do for her was to tell her the truth.
Fuck all the consequences that might come.
In that moment I wanted to share with her the only thing in the world I'd ever kept from Willow. My precious secret that could possibly be my undoing. But I was too tired to get the words out. My eyes grew heavy and with my last ounce of strength I lifted her hand to my lips and gently kissed it. The only sigh of affection I had the energy for. One last look at her face and I knew she was smiling. In the morning I would tell her everything.
I fell asleep wishing tomorrow would never come.
In reality this was the last place on earth I wanted to be.
My father wanted me to be there.
I had no choice.
I looked at him and the calm smile that never left his face.
You have no idea how much that smile scared me.
We'd found the refugee's of the pack I'd encountered holed up in an abandoned warehouse down by the docks. I swear that area in primetime real estate for monsters. It was a step up from that shack in the wood I'd seen them at. Nearly thirty of them stood stock still, weeping to themselves. They knew no mercy would be shown to them, yet they still begged for it. My father showed no reaction to their pleas. And after a few minutes of the big stare down I heard the prayers change from one's of to mercy, to death being quick and painless.
"You keep your eyes open son," my father said to me, his voice so cool and collected. "You see what we do to traitors."
His raised his hands above his head and a rumble of miserable moans passed through the crowd. I lifted my own hand to my eyes to shield them from the blinding light of the power about to spew forth, but it never came. It was eerily silent as well. I put my hands down and looked to see every single man, minus my father and I, twitching uncontrollably.
For that first second I'm confused.
I didn't understand exactly what he was doing.
Did we just give traitors nervous ticks?
How could this possibly show me any..?
That's when smoke started to rise from their bodies. Thick black clouds pouring out of them.
I didn't understand.
There was no blinding light of energy to focus on. Nothing to show me that yes, these men were being punished for their attempted coup. All I recognized was the smoke. And at that moment it seemed kind of meaningless. Try to kill the prince and what do you get? Some singed skin and a case of the shakes? Woopdeefrickin'do.
And then the screaming started.
Terrifying wails of agony filling the empty warehouse with an enormous irruption of sound.
I fell to my knees when I realized what my father was doing.
He was cooking them from the inside out.
Could I do that? Would I do that?
I looked up at my father expecting to see some sadistic joy on his face. Something to feed the fire of my hatred toward him. But I saw nothing. His face was a blank slate. For the first time since I was eight years old... I wanted my mother.
I retched when the smell hit me.
Let me guess? Gross right? Well you try to hold your lunch when you catch the aroma of disgusting demon organs roasting like a Christmas goose. We'll see how long your turkey sandwich stays down then won't we?
Slowly the howls of their pain began to fade away as I heard the sound of each of them collapse into a heap on the ground. I refused to look back up at my father, staring intently at the gray concrete floor. He was speaking to me but I was nowhere near listening to him. My eyes grew heavy, the thick blackness in my mind weighing them down. I collapsed to the ground and the blackness moved to claim my whole body.
I welcomed it with open arms.
***
My father left me there.
I woke up on the cold concrete floor in the same position I'd collapsed in. My head was still spinning and my stomach still in knots. The puddle of my own vomit still lay a foot away, mocking me for my own lack of control. I looked around but couldn't see anything. It was pitch black. The stench of charred remains still hung heavy in the air and threatened to send me back to the floor, but pushed myself to my feet and stumbled around on weak knees. It was too dark to see where a door was. It took another full minute of two to realize that I didn't even need a flashlight or some matches.
Forgive me for not realizing the obvious right away.
I'm still adjusting.
I clenched my fist closed and gently willed a small beam of light to radiate from my hand. The soft red glow allowed me to see a few feet in front of me and maybe even be able to find a way out. Too bad it was another bonehead mistake.
Thirty blank faces stared back at me with eyes melted right out of their skulls.
Deranged faces.
Unflinching faces.
Unblinking faces.
Inhuman faces.
Dead faces.
They weren't burned to ash like my own power tended to do. This was different. This was deliberate. I knew my father had left them whole for a reason. Sure they were burned out blackened shells of what they used to be, but whole just the same. In death their human forms reverted back to their true form. My stomach clenched as I stared at the rotting flesh of my true body, and bit my hand to keep the bile back. I knew my father had left me and them here on purpose. He did it so I could see what would happen to those who opposed us. Even member of our own tribe wouldn't be spared. This is what he wanted me to learn. This is what he wanted me to do. I was getting damn sick of his lessons.
I found my way out in the dark.
***
It was raining when I finally made it outside. It didn't bother at all. I felt so dirty after the whole night I felt like I needed a shower anyway. The rain was cold and clean. The streets of Sunnydale unwound in front of me as I walked aimlessly all over town. I wasn't up to going back to my house yet. I didn't want to see my father again. Not now, maybe not ever. I was tired, so tired of everything. I'd reached a point where I was just tired of being me.
For a second I thought about putting my own hand to my head and just turning it to vapor.
It would have been so easy.
Just one little move, one little thought and it all would be over.
I threw my hands up in the air and twirled around in the rain laughing at my own stupidity.
I may have been slowly going crazy. But I wasn't *that* stupid.
Besides.
There was no way I was going to die without taking my father with me.
***
I don't know how long I roamed around, kicking through puddles, letting myself get soaked to the bone. Time wasn't important. My destination wasn't a factor. But slowly, almost surely, my body kept leading me to a familiar neighborhood. And without even realizing it I was suddenly right in front of her house. I briefly thought about the last time I was here. She and I laughed together in her kitchen, making funny faces at each other and choking on our apple juice. It was only four days ago. How can a person suddenly feel so old in such a short amount of time?
Oh wait...
Nevermind.
The tree on the side of the house wasn't that hard to climb. I can see why it was so easy for Angel to perch himself here night after night. And... I really didn't want to think about that much more. I sat on the small bit of roof in front of her window, struggling for traction on the rain-slicked tiles. As soon as I saw her sleeping peacefully on her bed I felt a little better.
Okay.
I felt a lot better.
It was something I couldn't explain.
It was something I didn't want to explain.
I tapped on her window and instantly she shot out of bed. That's one of the benefits of slayer instincts right there. No one could get the drop on you when you were sleeping. She came to the window with stake in hand and opened it slowly.
"Xander?" She nearly shouted when she saw that it was me. "What are you doing..."?
She didn't finish her sentence as she looked me up and down and quickly grabbed the front of my shirt and yanked me inside. It was the warmth of her room to make me realize how cold I was. My teeth chattered loudly and she ran out for a second. She came back with a towel and wrapped it around my shoulders before pulling me into an embrace.
"You're soaked," she said. "What are you doing walking around in the rain at this time of night?"
I still don't know what possessed me.
I collapsed into her arms and she held onto me like I was a small child. I was grateful for her presence. She knew I was hurting. She knew exactly how to handle me. She cooed words that meant nothing into my ear, just making her voice as soothing as possible. It was so nice that the guilt inside threatened to eat me alive. I wrapped my arms tightly around her. Wanting to squeeze the cold out, wanting to let her warmth fill in the hollowness my body had become. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks and made no effort to hide them. She just rocked me back and forth. We'd always been friends but right then she was my lifeline. The last remaining staple in my human existence. She's what kept me human. She's what kept me wishing to remain that way.
I...
I loved her.
Of course I've always had. But this was different. Because somehow I knew that somewhere out in the realm of possibility was the chance that she might actually love me back. Despite the lies. Despite what I was. It was a comforting thought floating in the vortex of chaos in my mind. She loved Angel. He was a vampire. I was a demon. She could love me just the same. At least I hoped she could. Because I was pretty sure I needed her too.
"What is it?" She asked gently. "What's wrong?"
"I..."
"You can tell me."
No I can't.
"I..."
Yes I can.
"Well..."
She pulled me onto her bed and placed my head in her lap. She ran her hands softly over my wet hair and waited patiently for me to get the words out. They didn't seem to want to move passed my tongue. I clung to her like she was a life raft saving me from the savagery of the sea. I was drowning in my own thoughts and deceptions and lies. I was sinking to the bottom, the air leaving my lungs with each passing second.
"Please," I managed to gasp out. "Could we... Could we just lie here for awhile? No questions?"
"Sure Xand," she replied smiling down at me.
"Thank you," I said closing my eyes. "I just need to feel human for awhile."
I could feel her curiosity at my words and the fact that she did nothing to hide it. I made myself a promise. After all she'd done for me these last few weeks, the closer we'd become, the feelings that were slowly beginning to build into something. The least I could do for her was to tell her the truth.
Fuck all the consequences that might come.
In that moment I wanted to share with her the only thing in the world I'd ever kept from Willow. My precious secret that could possibly be my undoing. But I was too tired to get the words out. My eyes grew heavy and with my last ounce of strength I lifted her hand to my lips and gently kissed it. The only sigh of affection I had the energy for. One last look at her face and I knew she was smiling. In the morning I would tell her everything.
I fell asleep wishing tomorrow would never come.