(Authors note: I do not own anything from Legend of Zelda or Tums.)
So I just finished destroying one of those what-cha-ma-call-it's, what
did Link call it again? All right, all right.... so I have a bad memory. And
no, I'm not the Hyrulian. I'm the normal one, the one with style, the horse.
My name is Epona, and this is my story.
Running around with that faerie freak on my back all day is soooooooo
boring! I mean, not only is Link heavy, (kicking me over and over again, next
time I'll give him a kicking)he randomly leaves me sitting around in spots
outside of forests, towns, and villages ; unable to defend myself.
In addition, when I try to be upbeat and cheerful, he acts like he
doesn't understand me, the nerve! He pretends like I'm speaking a different
language, like an animal or something! Why, just the other day......
"All right Link, so, while you were running to save the forest sage
or whatever I had the most interesting day! First I was just kinda standing
out in the field, so I ate some grass. Then I kinda threw up because it didn't
taste too good.... but I was fine. Then I some weird cukoo thing ran up to me
and started pecking my leg. How annoying, right? So I stepped on it, but
maybe that wasn't such a good idea, because then I had cukoo crap smashed all
over the bottom of my beautiful shoes! In any case, a running guy was about
to run past me, but he stopped just to pet me. Like, how nice was that? Oh oh,
and don't even get me started on the sign out front of the forest! Hey, hey!
Are you listening to me? Well, yo yo look at me! Look at me, not the dang poe!
I don't care if I gonna run into a wal- umph!"
Even though he was rude to me, I still ferried Link around. I'm a
good friend I know.... but then two days ago, that was the last straw. Not
only did that pointy eared freak step on Malon's flock of cukoos over and
over again until they attacked me, he had the nerve to wear those iron boots
while riding (and kicking) me!
What did I do to correct this poor lack of judgement you ask? Very
simple..... while he was wearing those forsaken boots I stopped at the closest
body of water and dumped him out. Quickly he sunk to the bottom. And you
remember that grass? Well, I have a bad problem with acid reflux, so as Link
rose and broke the surface of the river he was met with two-day old grass.
Now young heroes and those in training, this should teach you all a
very very valuable lesson (especially if you have a wonderful equine partner).
Never, ever leave your horse in a grassy field without a sufficient amount of
Tums.
So I just finished destroying one of those what-cha-ma-call-it's, what
did Link call it again? All right, all right.... so I have a bad memory. And
no, I'm not the Hyrulian. I'm the normal one, the one with style, the horse.
My name is Epona, and this is my story.
Running around with that faerie freak on my back all day is soooooooo
boring! I mean, not only is Link heavy, (kicking me over and over again, next
time I'll give him a kicking)he randomly leaves me sitting around in spots
outside of forests, towns, and villages ; unable to defend myself.
In addition, when I try to be upbeat and cheerful, he acts like he
doesn't understand me, the nerve! He pretends like I'm speaking a different
language, like an animal or something! Why, just the other day......
"All right Link, so, while you were running to save the forest sage
or whatever I had the most interesting day! First I was just kinda standing
out in the field, so I ate some grass. Then I kinda threw up because it didn't
taste too good.... but I was fine. Then I some weird cukoo thing ran up to me
and started pecking my leg. How annoying, right? So I stepped on it, but
maybe that wasn't such a good idea, because then I had cukoo crap smashed all
over the bottom of my beautiful shoes! In any case, a running guy was about
to run past me, but he stopped just to pet me. Like, how nice was that? Oh oh,
and don't even get me started on the sign out front of the forest! Hey, hey!
Are you listening to me? Well, yo yo look at me! Look at me, not the dang poe!
I don't care if I gonna run into a wal- umph!"
Even though he was rude to me, I still ferried Link around. I'm a
good friend I know.... but then two days ago, that was the last straw. Not
only did that pointy eared freak step on Malon's flock of cukoos over and
over again until they attacked me, he had the nerve to wear those iron boots
while riding (and kicking) me!
What did I do to correct this poor lack of judgement you ask? Very
simple..... while he was wearing those forsaken boots I stopped at the closest
body of water and dumped him out. Quickly he sunk to the bottom. And you
remember that grass? Well, I have a bad problem with acid reflux, so as Link
rose and broke the surface of the river he was met with two-day old grass.
Now young heroes and those in training, this should teach you all a
very very valuable lesson (especially if you have a wonderful equine partner).
Never, ever leave your horse in a grassy field without a sufficient amount of
Tums.