Take this broken wings…
Written by: Subaru Shôjo
Disclaimer: All the characters of Ruroken are bla bla bla bla (you know this shit)
… are thoughts, the rest is just the retelling of the events. ??? POV (it's sooooo obvious!!!)
I won't cry anymore, I have to be strong…I have to pretend to be happy, I have to smile, to cover my sorrow.
It hurts; it hurts deep inside my heart, this burning tears that can't make me understand…
That you don't love me the way I do. You only care for me, but caring isn't enough…. enough for this aching point. It's like a burden beyond my will, the will to hope, that someday you'll love me too. . .
I don't know if I can bear more pain, but still I have this smile upon my face, my dear masquerade…but when this breaks, what will happen? Maybe I'll go deep down into the darkness, the loneliness, again… I don't want to be alone…
Loneliness is too much for me…Just by thinking of it, makes my heart sink in pain…
But even if I tried to smile, I know my eyes deceive me. My eyes are my traitors; I asked myself, would you have noticed?
Would you even care?
Of course, you'll always protect the weaker ones, I'm weak, and that's why I can't hold back my cry.
If I only could peek on your mind, what made you stop loving? Is there something of your past, which forbids you to love again?
Gomen, I promised not to ask about your past, but if your past involves your present, why don't you tell me, I'm your present, right?
Baka! Stop fooling yourself; I won't ever be your present, because there's someone on your past that won't let me in your life.
Does it aches so much? I bet it does…but do you know how much it hurts to me? No, you don't…I won't let you know…not now, not never.
Why? Because of my own honor, pride…so I won't broke your heart with my pain.
You know? You gave me wings, to fly high…hai, you did…every time you touched my arm, or even brushed it with yours. Every time you said my name, I wished you could say it without any honorific…but its ok…as long as you say it…
I flew high the moment you said good-bye…the time you looked at me, deep in my eyes, I thought you looked me with love, not with compassion…And I have to recognize how stupid I was for letting those little things, to make my flight higher...But when disillusion comes, the distance between reality and illusion is huge. So huge that whenever you crushed into reality hurts, destroys you…makes your world shatter.
Is that the feeling of a broken heart? I guess it does…but I still wish (fool me) for a better day, to see the sunshine again between all this darkness. And that's the reason for why I smile. Because I still believe that there's some hope in our blurry time. I'm optimistic, that's good, it would ease the pain. Again, I had begun to fly high…hope makes you fly.
But…what if all this hope is a masquerade too? I would fall away and broke this wings again. And will there be someone to watch over me? To catch me when I fall? I guess it won't…I won't allow myself to fall again…so that means… I won't fly again…
I won't made more hope in my heart. Illusion is less painful than disillusion…
Nani mo! I can't bear this! I gave all my strength in this last dance of delusion… and I have no more tears for another disillusion. It's time to bring myself down to earth; he doesn't love me that much. Even if he tries, is not the same, there's no attraction, I should have known…
I look at the cool tatami floor as I'm cuddle up in a fetal position, tears had worn me out. But there are no more tears to be shed, I've cried enough for the time being, I have to accept reality, my fate. Sigh… I try to sit up. Damn! I'm too dizzy. Goddamn tears…Goddamn love…
I rub my eyes as I look at the shogi closing my room. The lights are turned on, it must be noon by now. I thank Kami-sama for my silent sobs…if they have heard they would be asking me, he would be worried…and I don't want his pity. My headaches, so many feelings mixed in so lonely tears. Aww!! It hurts, I must stand up…otherwise the others might be worried or suspicious about my absence, maybe they haven't even known that I wasn't with them.
Would you stop wallowing! Don't make yourself more pitiful than you are… Nice start…I finally stood up, trying to gain my balance, I lean my head on the shogi door. I am breathing heavily. I must calm down, as if anything had happened. Sigh…ok, let's go… I slide the door, heading to the dinning room.
"Busu, what have you been doing?!! I've been waiting my training since mealtime!! Kenshin helped me, but he doesn't know too much about the Kamiya Kasshin, but anyway! Where have you been busu??!!! Sano and I have been searching for you!!!" Yahiko shouts me, I'm not in the mood for brawling, my head aches, and I don't want to hear some shouts right now…
"Why didn't you check in my room? I've been all day there…" I respond in a monotone voice. Yahiko opens his mouth to speak, but as he got he was defeated he mumbled all his way to the dinning room. I fear to ask, but it's mechanical…
"And where is…?" my heart winces just by naming him. Yahiko only looks over his shoulder, he knows my question.
"He's with the girls, they went fishing since the mealtime…" he said. I let escape a little 'oh…' again, daydreaming….
For your own sake! Stop thinking of him! Stop loving him! As if it's easy to do so…I'm tired, I finally get to the dinning room, I sit and lay my arms on the table, crossing them above. My chin over my arms, my eyelids begin to fall.
Then I hear some steps…I wince…my inner peace is falling apart. It's him…I only look at his hands…I don't want to look above…because if I do…I'm lost…and I'll begin this heartbreaking cycle all over again…
He settles down a bucket with a beautiful flower on it…and a little firefly on it…kawai…
"Tadaima, Kaoru-dono" he says in his cheerful voice. Iie I won't look up…
I cover my face on my crossed arms. Responding mournfully "Oyasumi nasai…" Iie…I won't say his name…now…
"Daijabou Kaoru-dono? You seem tired…" he asks, what would he know? I only shake my head; I don't want to show him my red face…he could ask…I don't want to fall again…
He rests his palm over my head, my heart aches even more…automatically I lift up my head…suddenly, as a routine, a futile smile creeps on my face…but I know that my eyes beg…
No more words…please just go…and take this broken wings away…
The EndHe he he, thanks to Kali-chan for being my proofreader, and this fic is for her, for helping me…
GODDAMN VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!! (It makes me do some angsty stuff…gomen…to many years being alone…)