Setting: (Eternal darkness. It fills the arena. Stretching its arms, the thick blackness of the space seems to stretch on forever, extending the confines of the room by light-years. Stillness. The sound of air as it passes through objects, between them, in them, into the blackness is nothing but a crisp whisper intended for the most sensitive of listeners. Wait. You, listen! Do you hear it? The grinding, the screeching of metal against metal shatters the perfect tranquility once observed. Movement. Not noticeable by the naked eye, but merely sensed. The gusts pick up speed. The air brushes against your flesh. The sounds: the trickle of steps on concrete, the pounding of them on metal, followed by the cracking of them on dried wood. A show. A virtual cinema of sound surrounds you, exposing all but your most flawed of senses to the scene thus created. Do you taste it? The dust kicked up by the storm of steps? The rich smell of fine linen? It brushes against your leg. Cold and
hard, you reach out for a second to identify what has made contact with you. Warm, it makes the nothing noise of hollowness when you flick it with your finger. This is not what brushed you. You feel about. Ah, there it is. Connected to the object that you had grasped earlier. A long pole, cold and hard...and metal? A long rope, no wait, a wire dangles from its bottom. Follow it? Why not? Forward. Forward. A little further. Wall. You're stuck. The blackness remains; you see only a continuation of the same dark path. Yet here you are, impeded by an unseen barrier. You turn to face the nothingness once again only to be confronted by a great bit of somethingness. The endless universe of darkness escapes to some unknown place (where does the shadow go to hide?) as light, great beams of limitless white-hot energy transforms the space into a room. And what a room it is. A practical box of bare gray walls surround you, the only exception being a large, sturdy automatic door. $TUDIO
M-4. The letters must have been the grand centerpiece of the door at one time. Now, large as they are, age and a lack of care (the most accused culprits of rot) have allowed the white letters to fade into the door's beige. The crowd, a throng of people and things congregated about the center of the room. Men with their machines (or is it machines with their men?); they run the lights, they fiddle with the cameras, they argue and fuss over everything and nothing. The center. A room that is not a room. See it and you see beautiful chairs, lovely centerpieces, a beautiful terrace along a lovely wall, a flag, two happy people (one in military garb, the other in a pieced together suit). All a lie, not a bit is real. Is that a bad thing? You may reserve judgment. A hand juts out of the human mass surrounding the two seated in an imagined reality. Utilizing its fingers, it counts down: five, four, three...)
1( Our seemingly militant male participant): Good Morning 2!
2 (Our pieced together female participant): Good Morning 1!
Both: And Good Morning Zeon!
1: We're glad to be broadcasting to you today straight from the viciously luxurious holdings of Side 6's ruling council chambers, where it's amazingly peaceful...
2: ...And the citizens are just uptight snobs, no offense.
1: Today we'll be honored with divine presence of his royal highness' #2 man, the venerable Commandant Gihren Zabi, here today to talk with us about the progress of the war on Terra. We'll also be discussing the latest in Mobile Suit technology with one of the men who bring them into being, as we introduce you to Dr. Tod.
2: All that and the Good Morning Zeon Solution Seekers; you've got problems, the Duchy's got solutions.
1: She's not lying. We reviewed the tapes of the last few times we tried this, and we've worked pretty hard to figure out what went wrong all those other times.
2: Plus I'm glad to announce that I've fully graduated anger management. I'm a better person, much less likely to explode with insensitive remarks concerning all the stupid situations you plebeians get yourselves into...
1: Moving forward with today's news, fallacious rumors continue to spread concerning the latest in a string of lies perpetuated against his rotund majesty Duke Degin Zabi, the most prominent of which has been purported authentic photographs and documents meant to mislead the public into believing the duke is addicted to drugs, most notably Heroine.
2: The Ministry of Truth & Lies has countered this latest bout in the propaganda war being waged by Federation loyalists through releasing equally convincing medical records that give the duke a clean slate. According to Ministry officials the duke suffers from a rare form of cancer, requiring the medicinal use of modest amounts of narcotics. Apparently his majesty also retains on and off bouts of diabetes, requiring him to take regular injections of what the documents refer to as "a pretty good Insulin alternative." Speaking candidly on the matter in person, the duke made a surprise speech to officials and office employees from the window of the royal lair. Here now is a recording of that speech.
Hopeless: "What do you people want from me! Why the hell are you always surrounding me, questioning me? You think I don't know? Think I don't know? That it? Well I know, I know all of you. You think you can get me, but you can't. I'm invincible you see. Besides, what does it matter what I do in my time. It's my time! Private time, and what I do with my time and what I spend my allowance on is none of your bother! What do you care? I ain't hurting nobody. I'm just being me. I'm just exploring the galaxy. You ain't stopping so leave me alone. I swear if you don't I'll kill you I'll kill you all! That's right. I'm watching you now! I'm watching all of you!
(Silence).
2: (Whispering) I thought you said we edited this.
1: (Whispering) We did...I didn't say we did a very good job. I mean, how can you edit tha...(turning attention toward camera lens) His royal highness...Degin Zabi. You know 2 I've always been a strong supporter of drug legalization.
2: I'm rapidly learning to become one, after all, who doesn't wish they could escape reality. If anything, I admire the duke. Few men have the gall to break unjust laws, let alone their own unjust laws.
1: Of course that doesn't mean that we recommend our viewers do the same. This just in, the Ministry of Truth & Lies has just released a statement concerning the speech you just heard earlier. It reads as follows: "There's nothing wrong with a little pick-me-up now and then, requiring that its all in good fun. Therefore, the question is not what he did, but in what spirit he did it in. As far as we're concerned he's completely harmless, and that means A-O.K. to the rest of you."
(Silence).
2: Doesn't this sound like a great time to dig in to a hearty loaf of Harding's famous military-grade hard tack? Harding's hard tack; the same chunky bits of corn and smashing sawdust flakes that our men and women on the front have to suffer through day in and day out. Harding's a truly martial dining experience.
1: In further news, Mobile Suit accidentally hits a colony cylinder when a young conscript admiring the features of his new DOM II was concentrating far more on finding a way to play his Paul Harvey memorabilia in the cockpit than keeping his eyes on the viewing screen. Orbit failing. Civilian population is in definite peril. Thousands already feared dead. Failing orbit said to be causing colony to veer dangerously towards the Earth. Mass destruction, further violence, and a total collapse of law and order expected to ensue.
2: My God, is the DOM all right?
1: Thankfully yes. The quick-thinking pilot, who has apparently had some similar infractions in the past from which he almost did not walk away from, made sure to drink quite heavily before heading out. Thus, if an accident did occur, his wiry frame would be limp enough and react slow enough to take a lot more damage than is normally possible. And get this; even the mobile suit is salvageable!
2: No way!
1: Way! Just read this report. Now that's what I call craftsmanship. I mean this thing can take some colony flying out right in front of it like it wasn't even there. I mean, clear the space ways man, the DOMs are tearing through. You just got to...
2: What about the colony?
1: The what?
2: The colony!
1: The colo-oh, right...that, one second (continues reading the document) um, it crashed.
2: Oh, anybody survive?
1: Doesn't look good.
2: That's...too bad.
1: Who cares, Cylinder 12 was all jerks. Every moment whining, "we need air, we need running water and gas, we need food." I've spent so many damn years shelling out handouts for those lazy bastards. I'm not a charity. I say let `em crash.
2: Life got ya' down.
1: I know I'm in a bad mood.
2: Odds are most people are in a bad mood. That's right, statistics from the recently instituted Bureau of Government Opinion go to show that most Side 3 citizens do not give enough love. Just take a look at the above comparison of last year's love levels when compared to this year.
1: What a disturbing trend. I had no idea my kindness had become so scarce. What should I do?
2: While you could go as far as to turn to drugs to get that happy pizzazz back in your life...
1: Not that there's anything wrong with that...
2: Why would you want to, when you could be reaping the rewards of knowing again what it is to love first hand, through the eyes of your very own small animal.
1: Small animal? I thought they didn't make those any more?
2: God doesn't, but the people at Hanson Bio-Genetics do. Think of it, your very own puppy, squirrel or lovable midget to have, to hold and to love for your very own.
1: Hey, I'm thinking about it right now...and it still sounds like a good idea. Where can I get a small, furry creature?
2: Why just dial the number on the screen now, and voila...you're the great person all around that Zeon knows you can be. Hanson, letting you enjoy life, one cell at a time.
1: Well, now we've come to a point in the show that we know many of you have been waiting for since we announced it yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, this great master of the battlefield has served us since the days of the benevolent ruler Zeon himself. His exploits are both heroic and innumerable; his words burn the ears of the Federation. Even his detractors have no choice but to admit he is indeed a snazzy dresser. Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a big round of Sieg Zeons at home for the producer of this show, the world knows him as "the Great Evil One", but we here at the studio just refer to him as Uncle Don't kill me none, Gihren Zabi everyone.
Maniacal: Glad to be here.
Both (1&2): As are we sir, as are we.
1: Now sir, to start off...uh, where's my questions?
Maniacal: On the table behind you. I didn't quite like most of your earlier questions, so I've decided to replace them with much better, yes, indeed far superior questions. I feel it will make this interview a lot less, how should I say...painful.
2: You're the boss, sir. (Picks up paper). So, uh, are we winning the war or not?
Maniacal: Yes, of course we are...next question.
2: Come on, seriously for a moment. Are we really?
Maniacal: Of course...NEXT QUESTION!
1: Uh, right. Um, what are we doing today Gihren?
Maniacal: The same thing we do every day 1, TRY AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
1: Well, that explains a lot. Um, any hints on exactly what we're doing on Earth right now.
Maniacal: Oh, we're involved in a lot of practices on Earth. Why just yesterday I rode the carousel, got to see the Golden Gate Bridge, ate Ice Cream in San Francisco...
1: The soldiers?
Maniacal: I don't know! What do you think? I've got eyes in the back of my head you imbecile. Well, this could be a simple guess, but my theory is that they're probably FIGHTING! But of course, they might just be down there playing Polo or some other...
2: Sir, senior military officials have made claims that you are actually not handling this situation in a way...
Maniacal: Hey, I'd like you to try to do any better. Let's see how you do.
1: No, she didn't mean...
Maniacal: Oh no, come on tough guy. You think your better than me? You think it's easy? That I just snap my fingers and,"presto", things get done. Well I've got some information for you it is not that easy.
1: Uh, let's move on.
Maniacal: Oh, hold up just a moment. You think you can take me. Is that it?
1: No, that's not what I...
Maniacal: Shut up! I'm asking the questions now Thaddeus Blimp! Come on fatty, do you think you can wail on me or something?
1: Now wait just a...
Maniacal: Oh, so that's it huh. Beat up on the smart kid, huh. Your just like all the guys at school back in the day. Oh, I got your number. I got your number right here! (Snaps fingers)
(Three M.P.'s burst into the studio and drag 1 away kicking and screaming)
Maniacal: Where were we?
2: Uh, have you any concerns about Zabi family safety so soon after your brother's unfortunate demise.
Maniacal: Absolutely not! If nothing else, his death insures my safety.
2: Sir?
Maniacal: Look at it mathematically. There were five of us right. So two meet the reaper, and the law of probabilities puts it all in my favor. I mean, what are the odds of the entire family getting wiped out. There'd have to be some sort of vendetta against me, and I've made personally sure that everybody loves me. I sent signed copies of my books to every Federal officer and official free-of-charge. I mean, as far as I can tell, the only feelings floating around me are ones of adoration and gratitude.
2: Yes, of course. Now...
Maniacal: No more questions.
2: What?
Maniacal: I said no more questions. I've grown tired of you and your idle banter bores me. This interview is over.
2:...Gihren Zabi everybody. Not a regular on our show, I assure you. Given that 1 has probably been executed by now, I think it best I go ahead and introduce this week's Tech Talk with Dr. Tod. Hello doctor.
Mindless: Hello you small person. Greetings world...and my mother; who's dead by the way. It fills me with sadness.
2: So doctor, what can you tell us about this new Mobile Suit people have been raving about.
Mindless: Well, if you must know, we are very excited about the prospects of this device. We feel it will change the whole way in which mobile suit warfare is fought.
2: Interesting. Could you tell us a little bit about the design and process of this piece?
Mindless: Certainly. Well I was sitting around one day writing poems about my mother, who had died recently. So I'm sitting there feeling depressed when WOW, I suddenly get an idea. And bang, I'm not thinking about my mother any more, no, I'm drawing, and drawing, and drawing some more. Oh, it was fantastic! It had arms and legs and a head and several other things like body parts that don't belong, and more body parts, and it was big; it reminded me of a Picasso. It was great...but completely unfeasible, so I threw that piece of paper away.
2: Interesting, at least I'm sure somebody found that interesting? Now about the suit you built...
Mindless: Oh that. Some kid down in R&D built that, I just took the credit. Now what else did you want?
2: Rumor has it that this device was made solely for the purpose of combating the infamous "white ghost." Can you verify this?
Mindless: Well, there isn't much else we really do here any more. Just sit around, thinking up ways to blow up the Gundam.
2: Can you fill us in on the technical aspects of this new machine? What separates it from the normal pack of Mobile Suits available to our forces?
Mindless: It's bigger! And it's slower and its packed with three times as many explosives as on other suits. It...
2: But sir, that makes it sound as if it will be more difficult for our pilots to tangle with the enemy.
Mindless: Well, that's just it. We've pretty much given up the idea that we're actually ever going to hit that thing. Its part of this pilot infallibility theory I've been working on. Look, here's a depiction of what we estimate the White Satan actually looks like.
2: Amazing, does he ever have to sharpen those fangs?
Mindless: Only when he's not biting into raw meat. More to the point, we suspect from these vague suspicions that the pilot contains within his brain a most peculiar gland which prevents him from ever getting shot and killed, ever. But, who's to say a big enough explosion wouldn't do him in? Right, right!
2: Uh, we appear to be running out of time. I'm sorry Dr. Tod, but we'll have to finish this conversation at a later time. Well, it appears we're just going to have to wait until tomorrow to get to our Solution Seekers program, but fear not. It will see the airwaves; you have my word on that.
(1 bursts back into the studio, obviously bitter, and takes his former seat)
2: Well this is certainly quite the pleasant surprise. (Whispering) Why aren't you dead yet?
1: (Whispering) Do you think any one actually does anything Gihren tells them to do? I mean come on, the man's nuts. If it were up to him, we'd be speaking Swedish and recognizing same-sex marriages, completely insane.
2: (whispering) Oh right, how stupid of me. (To herself) Bigot...WELL, it's good to see your safe and sound and back on the show.
1: Maybe, but that doesn't exactly protect anyone from the pent up emotion inside. I mean I thought I was dead. Things like that are supposed to have you recalling important events in your life. But me? Nope, I'm blank. My life is a shame, a fake, no one knows the real me! It's absolutely infuriating. I need a puppy! Where's that damn number?
2: Well, uh, look at the time. We're running over. Up next, witness the heart-warming story of a young introvert whose true spirit and self-confidence are awakened by a friendly, giant monster he meets under his bed one day. Be a part of the magic as that boy and that monster go on to turn around one of baseball's most horrid teams ever. Admiral Dozle stars as Sir Snarks-a-Lot the hideous but lovable monster in the children's Neo-Vision classic, Terry and the Twins. Until next time, that's all for us. Sieg Zeon 1.
1: Shut up 2.
hard, you reach out for a second to identify what has made contact with you. Warm, it makes the nothing noise of hollowness when you flick it with your finger. This is not what brushed you. You feel about. Ah, there it is. Connected to the object that you had grasped earlier. A long pole, cold and hard...and metal? A long rope, no wait, a wire dangles from its bottom. Follow it? Why not? Forward. Forward. A little further. Wall. You're stuck. The blackness remains; you see only a continuation of the same dark path. Yet here you are, impeded by an unseen barrier. You turn to face the nothingness once again only to be confronted by a great bit of somethingness. The endless universe of darkness escapes to some unknown place (where does the shadow go to hide?) as light, great beams of limitless white-hot energy transforms the space into a room. And what a room it is. A practical box of bare gray walls surround you, the only exception being a large, sturdy automatic door. $TUDIO
M-4. The letters must have been the grand centerpiece of the door at one time. Now, large as they are, age and a lack of care (the most accused culprits of rot) have allowed the white letters to fade into the door's beige. The crowd, a throng of people and things congregated about the center of the room. Men with their machines (or is it machines with their men?); they run the lights, they fiddle with the cameras, they argue and fuss over everything and nothing. The center. A room that is not a room. See it and you see beautiful chairs, lovely centerpieces, a beautiful terrace along a lovely wall, a flag, two happy people (one in military garb, the other in a pieced together suit). All a lie, not a bit is real. Is that a bad thing? You may reserve judgment. A hand juts out of the human mass surrounding the two seated in an imagined reality. Utilizing its fingers, it counts down: five, four, three...)
1( Our seemingly militant male participant): Good Morning 2!
2 (Our pieced together female participant): Good Morning 1!
Both: And Good Morning Zeon!
1: We're glad to be broadcasting to you today straight from the viciously luxurious holdings of Side 6's ruling council chambers, where it's amazingly peaceful...
2: ...And the citizens are just uptight snobs, no offense.
1: Today we'll be honored with divine presence of his royal highness' #2 man, the venerable Commandant Gihren Zabi, here today to talk with us about the progress of the war on Terra. We'll also be discussing the latest in Mobile Suit technology with one of the men who bring them into being, as we introduce you to Dr. Tod.
2: All that and the Good Morning Zeon Solution Seekers; you've got problems, the Duchy's got solutions.
1: She's not lying. We reviewed the tapes of the last few times we tried this, and we've worked pretty hard to figure out what went wrong all those other times.
2: Plus I'm glad to announce that I've fully graduated anger management. I'm a better person, much less likely to explode with insensitive remarks concerning all the stupid situations you plebeians get yourselves into...
1: Moving forward with today's news, fallacious rumors continue to spread concerning the latest in a string of lies perpetuated against his rotund majesty Duke Degin Zabi, the most prominent of which has been purported authentic photographs and documents meant to mislead the public into believing the duke is addicted to drugs, most notably Heroine.
2: The Ministry of Truth & Lies has countered this latest bout in the propaganda war being waged by Federation loyalists through releasing equally convincing medical records that give the duke a clean slate. According to Ministry officials the duke suffers from a rare form of cancer, requiring the medicinal use of modest amounts of narcotics. Apparently his majesty also retains on and off bouts of diabetes, requiring him to take regular injections of what the documents refer to as "a pretty good Insulin alternative." Speaking candidly on the matter in person, the duke made a surprise speech to officials and office employees from the window of the royal lair. Here now is a recording of that speech.
Hopeless: "What do you people want from me! Why the hell are you always surrounding me, questioning me? You think I don't know? Think I don't know? That it? Well I know, I know all of you. You think you can get me, but you can't. I'm invincible you see. Besides, what does it matter what I do in my time. It's my time! Private time, and what I do with my time and what I spend my allowance on is none of your bother! What do you care? I ain't hurting nobody. I'm just being me. I'm just exploring the galaxy. You ain't stopping so leave me alone. I swear if you don't I'll kill you I'll kill you all! That's right. I'm watching you now! I'm watching all of you!
(Silence).
2: (Whispering) I thought you said we edited this.
1: (Whispering) We did...I didn't say we did a very good job. I mean, how can you edit tha...(turning attention toward camera lens) His royal highness...Degin Zabi. You know 2 I've always been a strong supporter of drug legalization.
2: I'm rapidly learning to become one, after all, who doesn't wish they could escape reality. If anything, I admire the duke. Few men have the gall to break unjust laws, let alone their own unjust laws.
1: Of course that doesn't mean that we recommend our viewers do the same. This just in, the Ministry of Truth & Lies has just released a statement concerning the speech you just heard earlier. It reads as follows: "There's nothing wrong with a little pick-me-up now and then, requiring that its all in good fun. Therefore, the question is not what he did, but in what spirit he did it in. As far as we're concerned he's completely harmless, and that means A-O.K. to the rest of you."
(Silence).
2: Doesn't this sound like a great time to dig in to a hearty loaf of Harding's famous military-grade hard tack? Harding's hard tack; the same chunky bits of corn and smashing sawdust flakes that our men and women on the front have to suffer through day in and day out. Harding's a truly martial dining experience.
1: In further news, Mobile Suit accidentally hits a colony cylinder when a young conscript admiring the features of his new DOM II was concentrating far more on finding a way to play his Paul Harvey memorabilia in the cockpit than keeping his eyes on the viewing screen. Orbit failing. Civilian population is in definite peril. Thousands already feared dead. Failing orbit said to be causing colony to veer dangerously towards the Earth. Mass destruction, further violence, and a total collapse of law and order expected to ensue.
2: My God, is the DOM all right?
1: Thankfully yes. The quick-thinking pilot, who has apparently had some similar infractions in the past from which he almost did not walk away from, made sure to drink quite heavily before heading out. Thus, if an accident did occur, his wiry frame would be limp enough and react slow enough to take a lot more damage than is normally possible. And get this; even the mobile suit is salvageable!
2: No way!
1: Way! Just read this report. Now that's what I call craftsmanship. I mean this thing can take some colony flying out right in front of it like it wasn't even there. I mean, clear the space ways man, the DOMs are tearing through. You just got to...
2: What about the colony?
1: The what?
2: The colony!
1: The colo-oh, right...that, one second (continues reading the document) um, it crashed.
2: Oh, anybody survive?
1: Doesn't look good.
2: That's...too bad.
1: Who cares, Cylinder 12 was all jerks. Every moment whining, "we need air, we need running water and gas, we need food." I've spent so many damn years shelling out handouts for those lazy bastards. I'm not a charity. I say let `em crash.
2: Life got ya' down.
1: I know I'm in a bad mood.
2: Odds are most people are in a bad mood. That's right, statistics from the recently instituted Bureau of Government Opinion go to show that most Side 3 citizens do not give enough love. Just take a look at the above comparison of last year's love levels when compared to this year.
1: What a disturbing trend. I had no idea my kindness had become so scarce. What should I do?
2: While you could go as far as to turn to drugs to get that happy pizzazz back in your life...
1: Not that there's anything wrong with that...
2: Why would you want to, when you could be reaping the rewards of knowing again what it is to love first hand, through the eyes of your very own small animal.
1: Small animal? I thought they didn't make those any more?
2: God doesn't, but the people at Hanson Bio-Genetics do. Think of it, your very own puppy, squirrel or lovable midget to have, to hold and to love for your very own.
1: Hey, I'm thinking about it right now...and it still sounds like a good idea. Where can I get a small, furry creature?
2: Why just dial the number on the screen now, and voila...you're the great person all around that Zeon knows you can be. Hanson, letting you enjoy life, one cell at a time.
1: Well, now we've come to a point in the show that we know many of you have been waiting for since we announced it yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, this great master of the battlefield has served us since the days of the benevolent ruler Zeon himself. His exploits are both heroic and innumerable; his words burn the ears of the Federation. Even his detractors have no choice but to admit he is indeed a snazzy dresser. Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a big round of Sieg Zeons at home for the producer of this show, the world knows him as "the Great Evil One", but we here at the studio just refer to him as Uncle Don't kill me none, Gihren Zabi everyone.
Maniacal: Glad to be here.
Both (1&2): As are we sir, as are we.
1: Now sir, to start off...uh, where's my questions?
Maniacal: On the table behind you. I didn't quite like most of your earlier questions, so I've decided to replace them with much better, yes, indeed far superior questions. I feel it will make this interview a lot less, how should I say...painful.
2: You're the boss, sir. (Picks up paper). So, uh, are we winning the war or not?
Maniacal: Yes, of course we are...next question.
2: Come on, seriously for a moment. Are we really?
Maniacal: Of course...NEXT QUESTION!
1: Uh, right. Um, what are we doing today Gihren?
Maniacal: The same thing we do every day 1, TRY AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
1: Well, that explains a lot. Um, any hints on exactly what we're doing on Earth right now.
Maniacal: Oh, we're involved in a lot of practices on Earth. Why just yesterday I rode the carousel, got to see the Golden Gate Bridge, ate Ice Cream in San Francisco...
1: The soldiers?
Maniacal: I don't know! What do you think? I've got eyes in the back of my head you imbecile. Well, this could be a simple guess, but my theory is that they're probably FIGHTING! But of course, they might just be down there playing Polo or some other...
2: Sir, senior military officials have made claims that you are actually not handling this situation in a way...
Maniacal: Hey, I'd like you to try to do any better. Let's see how you do.
1: No, she didn't mean...
Maniacal: Oh no, come on tough guy. You think your better than me? You think it's easy? That I just snap my fingers and,"presto", things get done. Well I've got some information for you it is not that easy.
1: Uh, let's move on.
Maniacal: Oh, hold up just a moment. You think you can take me. Is that it?
1: No, that's not what I...
Maniacal: Shut up! I'm asking the questions now Thaddeus Blimp! Come on fatty, do you think you can wail on me or something?
1: Now wait just a...
Maniacal: Oh, so that's it huh. Beat up on the smart kid, huh. Your just like all the guys at school back in the day. Oh, I got your number. I got your number right here! (Snaps fingers)
(Three M.P.'s burst into the studio and drag 1 away kicking and screaming)
Maniacal: Where were we?
2: Uh, have you any concerns about Zabi family safety so soon after your brother's unfortunate demise.
Maniacal: Absolutely not! If nothing else, his death insures my safety.
2: Sir?
Maniacal: Look at it mathematically. There were five of us right. So two meet the reaper, and the law of probabilities puts it all in my favor. I mean, what are the odds of the entire family getting wiped out. There'd have to be some sort of vendetta against me, and I've made personally sure that everybody loves me. I sent signed copies of my books to every Federal officer and official free-of-charge. I mean, as far as I can tell, the only feelings floating around me are ones of adoration and gratitude.
2: Yes, of course. Now...
Maniacal: No more questions.
2: What?
Maniacal: I said no more questions. I've grown tired of you and your idle banter bores me. This interview is over.
2:...Gihren Zabi everybody. Not a regular on our show, I assure you. Given that 1 has probably been executed by now, I think it best I go ahead and introduce this week's Tech Talk with Dr. Tod. Hello doctor.
Mindless: Hello you small person. Greetings world...and my mother; who's dead by the way. It fills me with sadness.
2: So doctor, what can you tell us about this new Mobile Suit people have been raving about.
Mindless: Well, if you must know, we are very excited about the prospects of this device. We feel it will change the whole way in which mobile suit warfare is fought.
2: Interesting. Could you tell us a little bit about the design and process of this piece?
Mindless: Certainly. Well I was sitting around one day writing poems about my mother, who had died recently. So I'm sitting there feeling depressed when WOW, I suddenly get an idea. And bang, I'm not thinking about my mother any more, no, I'm drawing, and drawing, and drawing some more. Oh, it was fantastic! It had arms and legs and a head and several other things like body parts that don't belong, and more body parts, and it was big; it reminded me of a Picasso. It was great...but completely unfeasible, so I threw that piece of paper away.
2: Interesting, at least I'm sure somebody found that interesting? Now about the suit you built...
Mindless: Oh that. Some kid down in R&D built that, I just took the credit. Now what else did you want?
2: Rumor has it that this device was made solely for the purpose of combating the infamous "white ghost." Can you verify this?
Mindless: Well, there isn't much else we really do here any more. Just sit around, thinking up ways to blow up the Gundam.
2: Can you fill us in on the technical aspects of this new machine? What separates it from the normal pack of Mobile Suits available to our forces?
Mindless: It's bigger! And it's slower and its packed with three times as many explosives as on other suits. It...
2: But sir, that makes it sound as if it will be more difficult for our pilots to tangle with the enemy.
Mindless: Well, that's just it. We've pretty much given up the idea that we're actually ever going to hit that thing. Its part of this pilot infallibility theory I've been working on. Look, here's a depiction of what we estimate the White Satan actually looks like.
2: Amazing, does he ever have to sharpen those fangs?
Mindless: Only when he's not biting into raw meat. More to the point, we suspect from these vague suspicions that the pilot contains within his brain a most peculiar gland which prevents him from ever getting shot and killed, ever. But, who's to say a big enough explosion wouldn't do him in? Right, right!
2: Uh, we appear to be running out of time. I'm sorry Dr. Tod, but we'll have to finish this conversation at a later time. Well, it appears we're just going to have to wait until tomorrow to get to our Solution Seekers program, but fear not. It will see the airwaves; you have my word on that.
(1 bursts back into the studio, obviously bitter, and takes his former seat)
2: Well this is certainly quite the pleasant surprise. (Whispering) Why aren't you dead yet?
1: (Whispering) Do you think any one actually does anything Gihren tells them to do? I mean come on, the man's nuts. If it were up to him, we'd be speaking Swedish and recognizing same-sex marriages, completely insane.
2: (whispering) Oh right, how stupid of me. (To herself) Bigot...WELL, it's good to see your safe and sound and back on the show.
1: Maybe, but that doesn't exactly protect anyone from the pent up emotion inside. I mean I thought I was dead. Things like that are supposed to have you recalling important events in your life. But me? Nope, I'm blank. My life is a shame, a fake, no one knows the real me! It's absolutely infuriating. I need a puppy! Where's that damn number?
2: Well, uh, look at the time. We're running over. Up next, witness the heart-warming story of a young introvert whose true spirit and self-confidence are awakened by a friendly, giant monster he meets under his bed one day. Be a part of the magic as that boy and that monster go on to turn around one of baseball's most horrid teams ever. Admiral Dozle stars as Sir Snarks-a-Lot the hideous but lovable monster in the children's Neo-Vision classic, Terry and the Twins. Until next time, that's all for us. Sieg Zeon 1.
1: Shut up 2.