Setting: (If you've read this far, then you know where you are.)
1: Good Morning 1!
2: Good Morning 2!
Both: And Good Morning Zeon!
1: We're pleased to be reaching our audiences today from the cleanly halls of the recently declared, white powdery-substance free, Senate Hart building, the most sterilized site on the Earth since 2002 A.D.!
2: Just take a whiff of that air! That's not just fresh, that's toxic Chlorine, uncontaminated, wait a second while I choke a while fresh, and there's no better type of fresh available in North America...yet.
1: Well, let's take a look at today's roster. Ah, it looks like we're going to be giving the Good Morning Zeon Solution Seekers the old third try...
2: Remember folks, there's nothing wrong with failing twice, just ask the Germans.
1:...speaking of whom; we'll be whiling away some of the time today with Rolf Schiezekopf, head of our Slightly Advanced Research and Other Stuff Involving Fictional Science Division.
2: As well as having a chat with Nathaniel Norton who'll be joining us directly in the studio...
1: (whispering) Who in the hell is Nathaniel Norton?
2: (whispering) I met him in the subway once. He looked rather lonely, living there all alone.
1: What!?
2: If it helps, I think he said he wrote a book once.
1: Well...oh, right. It wouldn't be Good Morning Zeon if we didn't start off with today's news. Thousands of members of the Fascist Think Tank Labor Group took to the streets today in protest of what they refer to as "lost freedoms". Claiming to be the brains behind most of the terms that come from the mouth of his worthiness Gihren Zabi, these so-called artisans of the Grand Duchy seem intent on causing the worst sort of mischief. Already police have had to deal with reports of Arson, vandalism and just plain immature shenanigans.
Witness (1): It's just depressing. I do my job, I get up every morning, I make do, I even pay taxes when they're reasonable...so why should I have to wake up every morning only to be pelted by pilfered artwork and gold bullion by these people? I'm a citizen for Zabi's sake!
Officer (1): It's amazing. I mean who figured the Nazis would ever sink so low? They were never any trouble when we brought them here in the first place. Always so nice and polite, and very snazzy dressers; who knew on the inside they could all be so insensitive. The way it's looking we're just going to have to send them all back to Uruguay.
Witness (2): I must say they're amazingly efficient. They really go to extreme lengths to make you feel like it's going to be a normal day. They get your name and hand you a number and then place a sign that says Tomatoes...so I'm thinking I'm going to buy me some tomatoes...but no, instead I find myself drenched in tomato juice. Who would have though it...I'd never would have believed that they could be such bullies. These have got to be the worst things they have done to anybody. The police should do something about them, and quickly!
Officer (2): What's the problem? I mean, I say, if they want to drill themselves into a deep dark hole then it's fine with me. Actually, with all the juvenile delinquents now off fighting for their nation it was beginning to get a little boring around here. These guys have given me a reason to polish off the old stun gun and riot helmet again. Hey, I love violence. I mean, how can you be an officer of the peace and not? I says just leave them alone, and if they get themselves into any real trouble...then we'll deal with them. Who knows, if it ever actually goes that far, it might make some interesting news footage. Now that's something I haven't seen in a while!
1: There you have it. Fortunately the belligerent group has remained relatively quiet the last few days, amid speculation they may actually be sent away to the Earth.
2: When questioned about whether or not such a plan of action would be executed, Herr Moulder of the Ministry of Truth & Lies continued the age-old Ministry rhetoric. For those of you who are new to this particular issue, keep in mind the government does not officially recognize the existence of Nazis. Anyone or persons you may have believed to be so-called Nazis are in reality...not.
1: Official blather aside, our producer and Megalomaniac extraordinaire, Gihren Zabi has made a statement today concerning the fractious bunch. While we have not been able to get a recording of the speech, we have been told that the Commandant was in no way responsible for the recent outbursts and regrets any emotional damage that may have been wrought in their wake. If he had known before they were this easily riled up, he would not have shipped them here in the first place.
1: Speaking of shipping, have you noticed how hard it is to get yourself from one Side to the next?
2: Are you kidding? Is it even possible to get from one Side to another?
1: And citizenship? Please, don't even ask!
2: I've been trying unsuccessfully for years to become a Side 6 citizen.
(silence)
2: Only so I could have more time there to further ridicule them and their cowardly lifestyle of relative luxury and peace of course. But it's a pointless search any way. There's no way to get citizenship, let alone get there.
1: Don't say another word, because Crazy Fidel's Shipping is here to bring all those luxuries to you.
2: Why what do you mean Crazy Fidel?
Haphazard: I'll tell you what I mean! I mean first-class passage straight to the Colony of your choice! I'll tell you what I mean! I mean citizenship papers, indistinguishable from the real ones from the words, to the signatures, to the little photo of you when you were just about to sneeze. Hey, I know a trend when I see one, and let me tell you, there are a lot of people these days who'd like to see the world outside of Side 3 if ya' know what I mean. And ya' know, I can understand that! I'm not here to judge anything but your pocketbook, and hey, for the prices I'm charging ya' should be able to take most of it with ya' too. I mean what the hail, that's what bein' a charitable Christian's all about! Aint it? Aint it? So you just go to down to my place, ya'can't miss her, she's by the space docks, lower East Side by all the boarded up buildings, and you just tell me: Hey Crazy Fidel, me and my own want a crate to head on down to...you name it! And I know what ya're
thinking! Cargo crates? Hey man, it's the future aint it? Cargo crates have a proud history of shipping people across borders and through checkpoints, and thanks to modern technology it's only getting more comfortable. The dangers of the past have been eliminated. Why suffocate inside the cargo container of some other knock-off's ship when you can breathe easy thanks to Crazy Fidel's new and improved hole-punchin' system. Never be left without a gasp again! And just for now, and I can guarantee the next few gentlemen to call up Crazy Fidel's a free seat. While others may eventually fall to the ground from hours of exhaustion, you lucky few will be able to have the supreme comfort of finding yourself seated in this fine lawn chair thing. And remember, that's a deal you'll only find right now at Crazy Fidel's Custom Shipping Service!
2: Wow...I guess. That's Crazy Fidel's Custom Shipping Service everyone. And remember, you just heard it straight from the man himself, call the number flashing on this very screen this very moment and you could be duking it out on the bottom of a cargo container for possession of a lawn chair.
1: Yes, well, it's always nice to experience something new on every trip. Especially the ones in which you might not be coming back. In further news...oh my goodness. Ladies and gentlemen, I've just received word he is all right. That is correct; Zeon's greatest hero has left the hospital intact.
2: Only days after receiving his medal of Accomplishment from the Grand Duke himself, the young one known as the Dead Eye's Squad's littlest warrior had been quarantined at the local Amherst General for what has now been identified as just an average case of worms. Little Butch-Baby is now in the process of being returned to his post as mascot of the Dead Eyes, a Mobile Suit Squad with a fair bit of fame thanks to this courageous pup.
1: (sniffles) Zabi bless you, little Butch-Baby. Ladies and Gentlemen this just in...Oh Zabi!
2: We regret to inform the members of our audience that, upon his return to Earth several hours ago, Butch-Baby suffered an extreme case of death. No official word yet as to the cause, but there is some speculation that the little yipper may have been flattened a Zaku's left foot. A full inquiry has been made into the matter; we will probably have coverage of that in the coming days.
1: This is truly a day...that...will live in infamy! (Covers face in hands). Oh why Zabi, why did you take little Butch-baby...war is so bloody heartless...take me, take me instead...(takes face out of hands) you know, it's moments like this that make me say, boy 2, you sure look awful pretty.
2: Why thank you 1, and you look handsome.
1: But, doesn't everybody?
2: Why what do you mean?
1: Have you yet seen anyone, male or female, that wasn't absolutely stunning to look at? I mean, even the cameraman looks attractive! Is there anyone in this world that you have yet to notice because of their looks?
2: Now that you mention it, everyone does look idealistically beautiful. I guess when you put it that way we're not that comparatively spectacular.
1: Well, how does that make you feel?
2: Depressed. And to think, all this time I thought I was unique. Guess there's nothing I can do about it though.
1: Wrong! After all, it's just the animation style that makes us who we are right?
2: What are you talking about?
1: Never mind. The point is, we can change our looks with a snap and a few bucks, it's called anormaltherapy and all it takes is a few sets of paint and a Manga artist.
2: Really? How does it work?
1: Damned if I know, but I do know this much, I've seen the results. Let me tell you, I've seen nothing like it. Go from Carmen Electra to Kycillia Zabi in a matter of minutes. Tired of the old Frank Sinatra look, a minute with these guys and you've got yourself an original John Doe face. So amazingly dull, people will be stopping to ask each other, "Who is that guy with the common features?" If you want it quick, painless and a little bit original just call up your friendly neighborhood Manga Artist today. Remember: it's anormaltherapy, the process that lets you decide how others are going to judge you. Surgeon General's Warning: Anormaltherapy is not considered mentally safe for people who are not particularly self-conscious.
2: Well I'll be sure to give it a try one of these days. (silence) Well folks, believe it or not, we've finally made it. It's time for Good Morning Zeon Solution Seekers.
1: Today we'll be taking your calls, hearing your problems, and offering the bounty of our aid and advice in return.
2: Just keep it simple, the universe may be watching. And here's our first caller, a Mr. Adolph. Hello Adolph, you're on the air with Good Morning Zeon.
Fanatic: Guten tag und Guten Morgen. I mean, good morning.
1: So, tell us, what's your beef?
Fanatic: My beef? Oh, I'll tell you all right! I'm tired. Tired of this damn place. It's nothing but an absolute carbon copy of mein, er I mean my own creation...only set up in a floating tin can in space.
1: Um, okay.
Fanatic: Do you realize how insanely difficult it was to come up with all those weird words...
2: German?
Fanatic: Whatever. The point is, I'm the one who spent years coming up with all these cool ideas. Black uniforms. All my own. Big dictator person that's really evil. All mine. Insidious nationalism. Mine!
1: Well, now that I think about it, your name does sound familiar.
Fanatic: What about all the terms? All those mobile suit names. If it wasn't for me, you'd still be calling them various numbers or you'd still be stuck on Zaku. Zaku!!!! And what kind of a name for a killing machine is that? My Grossmutter had a more fearsome name than that? I gave your machines infamy, infamy I tell you!
1: Uh...well.
Fanatic: INFAMY!!!!
2: Hold on just a moment, it's not like we've forgotten that or anything. We give you do credit I'm sure. Where's that episode script of the first season?
Fanatic: Mention? Who gives a scheize about mention? Who? Anybody? I want monetary supplement! It took me years to come up with your culture. I lost a real war for it too! Where's my compensation?! I don't live on speeches alone you know, I'm not the former president or anything! I demand sustenance.
2: I'm sure you do. And we're sure we speak on behalf of the whole government when we say all of Zeon wishes to thank you for your ideas. Why, we probably wouldn't be at war if not for you. And what better way to thank you than to give you a coupon for 50% off all dry good at Hartigan's General. Hartigan's: food from the stomachs armies march on.
1: Just consider that a little compensation straight from the Zeon Duchy to you. Sieg Zeon!
Fanatic: Oh, wait a moment! I thought up that...
1: Our next caller comes to us straight from within the walls of perfectly placid Amherst General hospital. Hello Stubs.
Pathetic: Who is this? Oh right. Sorry, the drugs they got me on have me forgetting stuff.
2: Sounds pleasant. So tell me citizen Stubby, what's your problem?
Pathetic: Hmm? Oh, of course. Yeah, well it's just my legs. I mean...
2: Yeah, what about your legs?
Pathetic: That's just it. They're gone. I mean, somebody's gone off and stolen my legs! One minute I'm fine and dandy and going in to get my Tonsils out and all, and the next minute my legs are...well I'll be damned.
1: What seems to be the trouble?
Pathetic: Bastards ran off with my liver too. That can't be too good, can it?
1: Not at all, the liver I think is one of those unneeded organs, like the lungs. Just find yourself a soda bottle and a hole-puncher and you'll be fine. Next caller!
2: That reminds me. Your safety is not something to be joked about in these harsh times, but is there anyone to turn to when your biology is in a bad way?
1: Why the friendly folks down at Amherst General of course! Amherst General, you've probably seen them in the news the past few weeks, but don't let that deter you.
2: That's right, few hospitals have the facilities, safety and relative cleanliness that Amherst General can offer, and did we mention how cheap it is. They're practically giving health care away! You won't find yourself needing to hold a gun to the surgeon's head to give your boy the care that he needs, but it's such a liberal environment there if you want to hold a gun to the surgeon's head then you go right ahead!
1: Amherst General, always ready to offer you a better way into another life. Now where were we? Ah yes. Our next caller is little Jimmy who lives in Colony Cylinder C-6. So Jimmy, what seems to trouble you?
Pitiful: Well, it's just...my dad, you know. He was taken off to...I don't know, go fight or something like that.
1: What a patriot.
Pitiful: Yeah well, one day he stopped writing. So, you know, I figure what's the worst that could happen. Then I learned people die out there fighting! And then I got the telegram and on it...it said my dad wouldn't be writing me no more. Then Mom got up and left with some Insurance Salesmen she'd met at Side 6, my sister decided to track them down and kill them I think...then the dog died of pneumonia, and I had to cook the cat to stave off hunger because I'm allergic to Ramen! You know, what do I do?
2: Huh, that is quite a pickle. I'm afraid I don't have an answer...because we've run out of time.
1: Poor Jimmy.
2: You mean lucky, little Jimmy. That's right, Jimmy is today's winner of the Fallen and Kicked Award.
1: Well, he was pretty pitiful.
2: Little Jimmy will have all the time in the world to wallow in his sufferings now that he's won an all expense paid trip to the front. See you around Jimmy, it's been miserable! Up next, we hear a few words from today's technical commentator Rolf Schiezekopf...
1: ...with a follow up by Mr. Nathaniel Norton, professional sub-way vagrant.
Big Headed: With the startling and many advances in modern technology one has to wonder where that puts me, and by me I mean you, the masses. It's easy to get lost in the arid rush of new things coming to the market. Where do you fit into the big plan? Is there any room for me, or am I just another unimportant extra? And by me, of course I don't mean me, I mean all you plebeians. I'm here today to tell you, no to reassure you everything is fine. There is no big plan. We come up with this stuff as the writer gods command. Most of it has no point except for appearances sake, or to advance some mysterious linear plotline you'll never know anything about. We don't ask why, and neither should you. These machines, these wonders and yet we're still at war. Mankind is still capable of such warfare because if we were not, who would watch the show? The answers to specific questions? Very well. Yes, none of you really matter. Very few of you will even get a voice-over in your time.
Yes, the mobile suits are all important. Without them all other technological development would be as nothing. A mobile suit is indeed worth more than a man and his life. Do you see anyone tuning in on the afternoon to watch your day? I didn't think so. Now, if it was your day in a mobile suit, perhaps then we could talk. Do? There's nothing you can do about it. It's just the way things are, have been, and will surely always be. So you just keep on doing what you're doing Side 3, and we'll keeping pumping them out as bright, shiny, metallic and new as ever. Let's march toward oblivion...together.
1: And with further comment, here's our very own Nathaniel Norton. Hello Nate.
Himself: How are you?
1: Fine, apparently unimportant, but fine. So, 2 told me you've written a book.
Himself: Oh no, no, I wrote on a piece of once. I'm self-published...I threw the papers onto the street once. People noticed I think.
1: Interesting. So what have you to say about Mr. Shiezekopf's recent words?
Himself: Not much, but if you bear with me a second...okay, that man was dead wrong.
2: Really? Is that so?
Himself: You're damn right that's so! I mean, the way he was speaking the war's as good as lost. I mean come on...sure the so-called "war" is lost, but that doesn't mean the economic war is over.
2: Uh-huh...where are you going...
Himself: I'm talking about fandom, I'm talking about marketable options, I'm talking about action figures!
1: Excuse me?
Himself: Imagine for a moment a line of fully pose able, richly articulated figurines...I call them action figures. (To camera.) Copyright pending! I'm talking about dolls with machine guns for the gents just as much for the ladies. This is true victory. Wait just a minute now, before you say anything else, take a look at this. Watch as Mighty Gihren with plastic missile arms takes down the Vile General Revil with exploding torso! Hey, if you can't beat `em in reality, you can still sock it to `em here! I mean, come on. The kids are gonna LOVE these. And look, the models come in three difficulty levels: motivated, Obsessed, and Hermit! But wait, there's no need to stare. Think of all the implications. Long after the fall of Zeon, Zeon Mobile Suit Action Heroes Deluxe sets will still be capturing the hearts and minds of kiddies across the galaxy. Now that's indoctrination for you! It's patriotism that's profitable, for Zabi's sake, I've discovered economically viable
nationalism. And wait until the holiday rush. Imagine how many real Zaku II's you'll be purchasing after the stores clear out. Come on now, why turn to drugs or hard labor to get another anti-Earth movement going when you could do just as well with these little plastic fellows. No amount of Federation propaganda is going to sway kids into thinking this pint-sized storm trooper is anything but lovable and huggable. Check this out...its bedtime Duke Degin. He tells war stories and cries about all the children he lost...and when you squeeze his hand his heart glows. Awwwww, isn't that precious. I tell you, you start pumping out these babies instead their massive counter-parts and you will have a war won! I mean, come on, this is it! The time is now. If we don't act, odds are the Federation will, and I don't see them being too kind in regards to compensation and all, even if we did come up with the mobile suits in the first place. I mean, we gotta go and rip them off first,
before they get us. Leastways, that's the way I see it.
(silence)
1: Go away. Just get out of here and take your plastic gnomish freaks with you.
Himself: Wait just a minute I got lots more...
1: NOW!
Himself: But I...I mean you promised.
2: Oh, right. Here's a 20. Now remember, this is drinking money only. You head straight to the bar and buy yourself some Vodka...I don't want you anywhere near the patents office or a publishing house, those people have seen enough of you.
Himself: Yes ma'am, I promise.
(silence)
1: Well I hope you're happy. I don't think I'll be able to sit comfortably for a week without thinking about that...stuff!
2: Sorry. I thought he'd be good for a laugh.
1: Very good for you. I hope you got your ha-ha's. Just remember at what price.
2: I said I was sorry. Next time I'll make sure he's really drunk.
1: There's not going to be a next time. Speaking of time, we're just about to run over ours.
2: Right. Up next, stay tuned for the comedic styles of the man who put the huge in big-time, get ready for the Dozle Dan Comedy Hour.
1: Don't worry, it goes by pretty quickly. Until next time, Sieg Zeon 2!
2: Sieg Ze...
(Suddenly a group of thugs dressed in a peculiar gray rushes 1, pounding him to a pulp and dragging him off-stage to the unmarked exit.)
Adolph: That was the last straw! I'm sick of that phrase, in the name of all things holy you've made me sick of that phrase! (To camera) Oh, this isn't the last you've heard of us! We are going to be heard! We will have the right to frivolous lawsuits returned to us, or this man will be sent back to you in a surprisingly gruesome, yet none-the-less original fashion! You have our word on that!
(All but 2 leave the stage. Silence follows.)
2: Now...who was that again? I could have sworn he sounded familiar.
1: Good Morning 1!
2: Good Morning 2!
Both: And Good Morning Zeon!
1: We're pleased to be reaching our audiences today from the cleanly halls of the recently declared, white powdery-substance free, Senate Hart building, the most sterilized site on the Earth since 2002 A.D.!
2: Just take a whiff of that air! That's not just fresh, that's toxic Chlorine, uncontaminated, wait a second while I choke a while fresh, and there's no better type of fresh available in North America...yet.
1: Well, let's take a look at today's roster. Ah, it looks like we're going to be giving the Good Morning Zeon Solution Seekers the old third try...
2: Remember folks, there's nothing wrong with failing twice, just ask the Germans.
1:...speaking of whom; we'll be whiling away some of the time today with Rolf Schiezekopf, head of our Slightly Advanced Research and Other Stuff Involving Fictional Science Division.
2: As well as having a chat with Nathaniel Norton who'll be joining us directly in the studio...
1: (whispering) Who in the hell is Nathaniel Norton?
2: (whispering) I met him in the subway once. He looked rather lonely, living there all alone.
1: What!?
2: If it helps, I think he said he wrote a book once.
1: Well...oh, right. It wouldn't be Good Morning Zeon if we didn't start off with today's news. Thousands of members of the Fascist Think Tank Labor Group took to the streets today in protest of what they refer to as "lost freedoms". Claiming to be the brains behind most of the terms that come from the mouth of his worthiness Gihren Zabi, these so-called artisans of the Grand Duchy seem intent on causing the worst sort of mischief. Already police have had to deal with reports of Arson, vandalism and just plain immature shenanigans.
Witness (1): It's just depressing. I do my job, I get up every morning, I make do, I even pay taxes when they're reasonable...so why should I have to wake up every morning only to be pelted by pilfered artwork and gold bullion by these people? I'm a citizen for Zabi's sake!
Officer (1): It's amazing. I mean who figured the Nazis would ever sink so low? They were never any trouble when we brought them here in the first place. Always so nice and polite, and very snazzy dressers; who knew on the inside they could all be so insensitive. The way it's looking we're just going to have to send them all back to Uruguay.
Witness (2): I must say they're amazingly efficient. They really go to extreme lengths to make you feel like it's going to be a normal day. They get your name and hand you a number and then place a sign that says Tomatoes...so I'm thinking I'm going to buy me some tomatoes...but no, instead I find myself drenched in tomato juice. Who would have though it...I'd never would have believed that they could be such bullies. These have got to be the worst things they have done to anybody. The police should do something about them, and quickly!
Officer (2): What's the problem? I mean, I say, if they want to drill themselves into a deep dark hole then it's fine with me. Actually, with all the juvenile delinquents now off fighting for their nation it was beginning to get a little boring around here. These guys have given me a reason to polish off the old stun gun and riot helmet again. Hey, I love violence. I mean, how can you be an officer of the peace and not? I says just leave them alone, and if they get themselves into any real trouble...then we'll deal with them. Who knows, if it ever actually goes that far, it might make some interesting news footage. Now that's something I haven't seen in a while!
1: There you have it. Fortunately the belligerent group has remained relatively quiet the last few days, amid speculation they may actually be sent away to the Earth.
2: When questioned about whether or not such a plan of action would be executed, Herr Moulder of the Ministry of Truth & Lies continued the age-old Ministry rhetoric. For those of you who are new to this particular issue, keep in mind the government does not officially recognize the existence of Nazis. Anyone or persons you may have believed to be so-called Nazis are in reality...not.
1: Official blather aside, our producer and Megalomaniac extraordinaire, Gihren Zabi has made a statement today concerning the fractious bunch. While we have not been able to get a recording of the speech, we have been told that the Commandant was in no way responsible for the recent outbursts and regrets any emotional damage that may have been wrought in their wake. If he had known before they were this easily riled up, he would not have shipped them here in the first place.
1: Speaking of shipping, have you noticed how hard it is to get yourself from one Side to the next?
2: Are you kidding? Is it even possible to get from one Side to another?
1: And citizenship? Please, don't even ask!
2: I've been trying unsuccessfully for years to become a Side 6 citizen.
(silence)
2: Only so I could have more time there to further ridicule them and their cowardly lifestyle of relative luxury and peace of course. But it's a pointless search any way. There's no way to get citizenship, let alone get there.
1: Don't say another word, because Crazy Fidel's Shipping is here to bring all those luxuries to you.
2: Why what do you mean Crazy Fidel?
Haphazard: I'll tell you what I mean! I mean first-class passage straight to the Colony of your choice! I'll tell you what I mean! I mean citizenship papers, indistinguishable from the real ones from the words, to the signatures, to the little photo of you when you were just about to sneeze. Hey, I know a trend when I see one, and let me tell you, there are a lot of people these days who'd like to see the world outside of Side 3 if ya' know what I mean. And ya' know, I can understand that! I'm not here to judge anything but your pocketbook, and hey, for the prices I'm charging ya' should be able to take most of it with ya' too. I mean what the hail, that's what bein' a charitable Christian's all about! Aint it? Aint it? So you just go to down to my place, ya'can't miss her, she's by the space docks, lower East Side by all the boarded up buildings, and you just tell me: Hey Crazy Fidel, me and my own want a crate to head on down to...you name it! And I know what ya're
thinking! Cargo crates? Hey man, it's the future aint it? Cargo crates have a proud history of shipping people across borders and through checkpoints, and thanks to modern technology it's only getting more comfortable. The dangers of the past have been eliminated. Why suffocate inside the cargo container of some other knock-off's ship when you can breathe easy thanks to Crazy Fidel's new and improved hole-punchin' system. Never be left without a gasp again! And just for now, and I can guarantee the next few gentlemen to call up Crazy Fidel's a free seat. While others may eventually fall to the ground from hours of exhaustion, you lucky few will be able to have the supreme comfort of finding yourself seated in this fine lawn chair thing. And remember, that's a deal you'll only find right now at Crazy Fidel's Custom Shipping Service!
2: Wow...I guess. That's Crazy Fidel's Custom Shipping Service everyone. And remember, you just heard it straight from the man himself, call the number flashing on this very screen this very moment and you could be duking it out on the bottom of a cargo container for possession of a lawn chair.
1: Yes, well, it's always nice to experience something new on every trip. Especially the ones in which you might not be coming back. In further news...oh my goodness. Ladies and gentlemen, I've just received word he is all right. That is correct; Zeon's greatest hero has left the hospital intact.
2: Only days after receiving his medal of Accomplishment from the Grand Duke himself, the young one known as the Dead Eye's Squad's littlest warrior had been quarantined at the local Amherst General for what has now been identified as just an average case of worms. Little Butch-Baby is now in the process of being returned to his post as mascot of the Dead Eyes, a Mobile Suit Squad with a fair bit of fame thanks to this courageous pup.
1: (sniffles) Zabi bless you, little Butch-Baby. Ladies and Gentlemen this just in...Oh Zabi!
2: We regret to inform the members of our audience that, upon his return to Earth several hours ago, Butch-Baby suffered an extreme case of death. No official word yet as to the cause, but there is some speculation that the little yipper may have been flattened a Zaku's left foot. A full inquiry has been made into the matter; we will probably have coverage of that in the coming days.
1: This is truly a day...that...will live in infamy! (Covers face in hands). Oh why Zabi, why did you take little Butch-baby...war is so bloody heartless...take me, take me instead...(takes face out of hands) you know, it's moments like this that make me say, boy 2, you sure look awful pretty.
2: Why thank you 1, and you look handsome.
1: But, doesn't everybody?
2: Why what do you mean?
1: Have you yet seen anyone, male or female, that wasn't absolutely stunning to look at? I mean, even the cameraman looks attractive! Is there anyone in this world that you have yet to notice because of their looks?
2: Now that you mention it, everyone does look idealistically beautiful. I guess when you put it that way we're not that comparatively spectacular.
1: Well, how does that make you feel?
2: Depressed. And to think, all this time I thought I was unique. Guess there's nothing I can do about it though.
1: Wrong! After all, it's just the animation style that makes us who we are right?
2: What are you talking about?
1: Never mind. The point is, we can change our looks with a snap and a few bucks, it's called anormaltherapy and all it takes is a few sets of paint and a Manga artist.
2: Really? How does it work?
1: Damned if I know, but I do know this much, I've seen the results. Let me tell you, I've seen nothing like it. Go from Carmen Electra to Kycillia Zabi in a matter of minutes. Tired of the old Frank Sinatra look, a minute with these guys and you've got yourself an original John Doe face. So amazingly dull, people will be stopping to ask each other, "Who is that guy with the common features?" If you want it quick, painless and a little bit original just call up your friendly neighborhood Manga Artist today. Remember: it's anormaltherapy, the process that lets you decide how others are going to judge you. Surgeon General's Warning: Anormaltherapy is not considered mentally safe for people who are not particularly self-conscious.
2: Well I'll be sure to give it a try one of these days. (silence) Well folks, believe it or not, we've finally made it. It's time for Good Morning Zeon Solution Seekers.
1: Today we'll be taking your calls, hearing your problems, and offering the bounty of our aid and advice in return.
2: Just keep it simple, the universe may be watching. And here's our first caller, a Mr. Adolph. Hello Adolph, you're on the air with Good Morning Zeon.
Fanatic: Guten tag und Guten Morgen. I mean, good morning.
1: So, tell us, what's your beef?
Fanatic: My beef? Oh, I'll tell you all right! I'm tired. Tired of this damn place. It's nothing but an absolute carbon copy of mein, er I mean my own creation...only set up in a floating tin can in space.
1: Um, okay.
Fanatic: Do you realize how insanely difficult it was to come up with all those weird words...
2: German?
Fanatic: Whatever. The point is, I'm the one who spent years coming up with all these cool ideas. Black uniforms. All my own. Big dictator person that's really evil. All mine. Insidious nationalism. Mine!
1: Well, now that I think about it, your name does sound familiar.
Fanatic: What about all the terms? All those mobile suit names. If it wasn't for me, you'd still be calling them various numbers or you'd still be stuck on Zaku. Zaku!!!! And what kind of a name for a killing machine is that? My Grossmutter had a more fearsome name than that? I gave your machines infamy, infamy I tell you!
1: Uh...well.
Fanatic: INFAMY!!!!
2: Hold on just a moment, it's not like we've forgotten that or anything. We give you do credit I'm sure. Where's that episode script of the first season?
Fanatic: Mention? Who gives a scheize about mention? Who? Anybody? I want monetary supplement! It took me years to come up with your culture. I lost a real war for it too! Where's my compensation?! I don't live on speeches alone you know, I'm not the former president or anything! I demand sustenance.
2: I'm sure you do. And we're sure we speak on behalf of the whole government when we say all of Zeon wishes to thank you for your ideas. Why, we probably wouldn't be at war if not for you. And what better way to thank you than to give you a coupon for 50% off all dry good at Hartigan's General. Hartigan's: food from the stomachs armies march on.
1: Just consider that a little compensation straight from the Zeon Duchy to you. Sieg Zeon!
Fanatic: Oh, wait a moment! I thought up that...
1: Our next caller comes to us straight from within the walls of perfectly placid Amherst General hospital. Hello Stubs.
Pathetic: Who is this? Oh right. Sorry, the drugs they got me on have me forgetting stuff.
2: Sounds pleasant. So tell me citizen Stubby, what's your problem?
Pathetic: Hmm? Oh, of course. Yeah, well it's just my legs. I mean...
2: Yeah, what about your legs?
Pathetic: That's just it. They're gone. I mean, somebody's gone off and stolen my legs! One minute I'm fine and dandy and going in to get my Tonsils out and all, and the next minute my legs are...well I'll be damned.
1: What seems to be the trouble?
Pathetic: Bastards ran off with my liver too. That can't be too good, can it?
1: Not at all, the liver I think is one of those unneeded organs, like the lungs. Just find yourself a soda bottle and a hole-puncher and you'll be fine. Next caller!
2: That reminds me. Your safety is not something to be joked about in these harsh times, but is there anyone to turn to when your biology is in a bad way?
1: Why the friendly folks down at Amherst General of course! Amherst General, you've probably seen them in the news the past few weeks, but don't let that deter you.
2: That's right, few hospitals have the facilities, safety and relative cleanliness that Amherst General can offer, and did we mention how cheap it is. They're practically giving health care away! You won't find yourself needing to hold a gun to the surgeon's head to give your boy the care that he needs, but it's such a liberal environment there if you want to hold a gun to the surgeon's head then you go right ahead!
1: Amherst General, always ready to offer you a better way into another life. Now where were we? Ah yes. Our next caller is little Jimmy who lives in Colony Cylinder C-6. So Jimmy, what seems to trouble you?
Pitiful: Well, it's just...my dad, you know. He was taken off to...I don't know, go fight or something like that.
1: What a patriot.
Pitiful: Yeah well, one day he stopped writing. So, you know, I figure what's the worst that could happen. Then I learned people die out there fighting! And then I got the telegram and on it...it said my dad wouldn't be writing me no more. Then Mom got up and left with some Insurance Salesmen she'd met at Side 6, my sister decided to track them down and kill them I think...then the dog died of pneumonia, and I had to cook the cat to stave off hunger because I'm allergic to Ramen! You know, what do I do?
2: Huh, that is quite a pickle. I'm afraid I don't have an answer...because we've run out of time.
1: Poor Jimmy.
2: You mean lucky, little Jimmy. That's right, Jimmy is today's winner of the Fallen and Kicked Award.
1: Well, he was pretty pitiful.
2: Little Jimmy will have all the time in the world to wallow in his sufferings now that he's won an all expense paid trip to the front. See you around Jimmy, it's been miserable! Up next, we hear a few words from today's technical commentator Rolf Schiezekopf...
1: ...with a follow up by Mr. Nathaniel Norton, professional sub-way vagrant.
Big Headed: With the startling and many advances in modern technology one has to wonder where that puts me, and by me I mean you, the masses. It's easy to get lost in the arid rush of new things coming to the market. Where do you fit into the big plan? Is there any room for me, or am I just another unimportant extra? And by me, of course I don't mean me, I mean all you plebeians. I'm here today to tell you, no to reassure you everything is fine. There is no big plan. We come up with this stuff as the writer gods command. Most of it has no point except for appearances sake, or to advance some mysterious linear plotline you'll never know anything about. We don't ask why, and neither should you. These machines, these wonders and yet we're still at war. Mankind is still capable of such warfare because if we were not, who would watch the show? The answers to specific questions? Very well. Yes, none of you really matter. Very few of you will even get a voice-over in your time.
Yes, the mobile suits are all important. Without them all other technological development would be as nothing. A mobile suit is indeed worth more than a man and his life. Do you see anyone tuning in on the afternoon to watch your day? I didn't think so. Now, if it was your day in a mobile suit, perhaps then we could talk. Do? There's nothing you can do about it. It's just the way things are, have been, and will surely always be. So you just keep on doing what you're doing Side 3, and we'll keeping pumping them out as bright, shiny, metallic and new as ever. Let's march toward oblivion...together.
1: And with further comment, here's our very own Nathaniel Norton. Hello Nate.
Himself: How are you?
1: Fine, apparently unimportant, but fine. So, 2 told me you've written a book.
Himself: Oh no, no, I wrote on a piece of once. I'm self-published...I threw the papers onto the street once. People noticed I think.
1: Interesting. So what have you to say about Mr. Shiezekopf's recent words?
Himself: Not much, but if you bear with me a second...okay, that man was dead wrong.
2: Really? Is that so?
Himself: You're damn right that's so! I mean, the way he was speaking the war's as good as lost. I mean come on...sure the so-called "war" is lost, but that doesn't mean the economic war is over.
2: Uh-huh...where are you going...
Himself: I'm talking about fandom, I'm talking about marketable options, I'm talking about action figures!
1: Excuse me?
Himself: Imagine for a moment a line of fully pose able, richly articulated figurines...I call them action figures. (To camera.) Copyright pending! I'm talking about dolls with machine guns for the gents just as much for the ladies. This is true victory. Wait just a minute now, before you say anything else, take a look at this. Watch as Mighty Gihren with plastic missile arms takes down the Vile General Revil with exploding torso! Hey, if you can't beat `em in reality, you can still sock it to `em here! I mean, come on. The kids are gonna LOVE these. And look, the models come in three difficulty levels: motivated, Obsessed, and Hermit! But wait, there's no need to stare. Think of all the implications. Long after the fall of Zeon, Zeon Mobile Suit Action Heroes Deluxe sets will still be capturing the hearts and minds of kiddies across the galaxy. Now that's indoctrination for you! It's patriotism that's profitable, for Zabi's sake, I've discovered economically viable
nationalism. And wait until the holiday rush. Imagine how many real Zaku II's you'll be purchasing after the stores clear out. Come on now, why turn to drugs or hard labor to get another anti-Earth movement going when you could do just as well with these little plastic fellows. No amount of Federation propaganda is going to sway kids into thinking this pint-sized storm trooper is anything but lovable and huggable. Check this out...its bedtime Duke Degin. He tells war stories and cries about all the children he lost...and when you squeeze his hand his heart glows. Awwwww, isn't that precious. I tell you, you start pumping out these babies instead their massive counter-parts and you will have a war won! I mean, come on, this is it! The time is now. If we don't act, odds are the Federation will, and I don't see them being too kind in regards to compensation and all, even if we did come up with the mobile suits in the first place. I mean, we gotta go and rip them off first,
before they get us. Leastways, that's the way I see it.
(silence)
1: Go away. Just get out of here and take your plastic gnomish freaks with you.
Himself: Wait just a minute I got lots more...
1: NOW!
Himself: But I...I mean you promised.
2: Oh, right. Here's a 20. Now remember, this is drinking money only. You head straight to the bar and buy yourself some Vodka...I don't want you anywhere near the patents office or a publishing house, those people have seen enough of you.
Himself: Yes ma'am, I promise.
(silence)
1: Well I hope you're happy. I don't think I'll be able to sit comfortably for a week without thinking about that...stuff!
2: Sorry. I thought he'd be good for a laugh.
1: Very good for you. I hope you got your ha-ha's. Just remember at what price.
2: I said I was sorry. Next time I'll make sure he's really drunk.
1: There's not going to be a next time. Speaking of time, we're just about to run over ours.
2: Right. Up next, stay tuned for the comedic styles of the man who put the huge in big-time, get ready for the Dozle Dan Comedy Hour.
1: Don't worry, it goes by pretty quickly. Until next time, Sieg Zeon 2!
2: Sieg Ze...
(Suddenly a group of thugs dressed in a peculiar gray rushes 1, pounding him to a pulp and dragging him off-stage to the unmarked exit.)
Adolph: That was the last straw! I'm sick of that phrase, in the name of all things holy you've made me sick of that phrase! (To camera) Oh, this isn't the last you've heard of us! We are going to be heard! We will have the right to frivolous lawsuits returned to us, or this man will be sent back to you in a surprisingly gruesome, yet none-the-less original fashion! You have our word on that!
(All but 2 leave the stage. Silence follows.)
2: Now...who was that again? I could have sworn he sounded familiar.