Title: White
Author: Lilas
Keyword/Pairings: Ken/Ran, angst, waff (just a bit)
Spoilers: Aya's name, Episode 4 (I guess)...
Summary: It's Ken's birthday and past memories are coming back to haunt him.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own them, but I wish I did! Especially Kenken!!! ~hugs him tight~ And `My December' is by Linkin' Park and I don't claim it's mine because they do such a good job singing/playing it! Go listen to it!! It's sooo worth it!
***
//This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear//
White. Everything was white... So pure, so beautiful that the boy felt it would be a sin to touch the falling flakes with his stained hands; but he wanted to touch them so badly... Maybe today he could. Maybe if he touched the flakes today they wouldn't melt and die off, disappearing from the face of the earth... Maybe he had been cleansed on his birthday and would spare the flakes the fate of dissolving into liquid by his touch.
No such luck. The snowflakes fell upon his exposed hands and immediately vanished from the heat given off by his skin. A soft sigh escaped his lips and he slowly shook his head, his bonnet tight around his head and his scarf pilled with snow. There was nothing worst than having to do deliveries on a snowing day... Especially when said day was his birthday and on which he would be turning twenty-one!
The thought of warming up by a fireplace, a hot cup of cocoa in his hands was all too appealing to the brunette as he waved to the last costumer of the day. He sighed once more, a soft growl slowly making itself up his throat as he looked down at his watch. He was late for his shift. It'd been harder than he'd thought to drive the delivery bike in the snow and now he was late... Just what he needed!
With a soft string of curses, the boy hopped on the pink scooter and started it off, headlights on as he sped through the empty streets. The wind harshly whipping by his face brought him a sense of peace nothing else could... This was freedom. Riding on a bike was as close to flying as he could get, the wind giving him a feeling of weightlessness. But it was all in his mind, and he knew that... However, imagination was an important aspect of his life and he treasured the feeling it brought to him as he streaked by the empty streets.
All too soon he reached his destination and quickly shut off the motor, itching to get back inside the warmth of the Koneko. He ran through the door, hastily taking off his waterproof boots and throwing them to the side as he stuffed on his white sneakers. He stopped himself from barging into the flower shop when he realized it was all too quiet... It was two days before Christmas and there was no noise coming from the usually girl-packed room... What was going on?!
Carefully, the brunette pushed the door open and peeked in. The lights were off and the `Yes! We're Open!' sign was facing him... and that could only mean one thing. The others had closed down for the night. Silently stepping into the room, the sharp eyes immediately noticed the sparkling white note on the counter. He slowly picked it up and read it in the dark, a soft, sadden sigh escaping his lips as he read its content.
They had gone out shopping. All three of them. According to the note, no one had showed up and they decide to go Christmas shopping. Why hadn't they waited for him to come back? Why hadn't they called him on the cell phone and told him they were going? He could have hurried up with the deliveries and gone with them...
//This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone//
Oh well... At least he could relax for the rest of the day and enjoy his birthday in his apartment while eating a hot cup of ramen... With a rejected sigh, the boy crumpled the note and threw it in the air, not caring whether it entered the wastebasket or not. Memories of past birthdays filled his mind's eyes and the faraway laughter gave him a feeling of emptiness he had not felt since... since he'd watched the news and seen his picture on the television, the reporter commenting on his death.
The boy quickly shook his head and sped out from the dark room, locking it behind him. He took the stairs two at a time and stopped in front of his room. Did he really want to lock himself off now? Not really... Maybe he'd just watch the city lights from the roof. After all, what better way to spend a snowy day by yourself? With a quick nod to himself, he ran back down the stairs and put his boots back on as well as an extra layer of clothing and stepped out onto the roof, the wind assaulting his senses as soon as he closed the door.
He watched as the snow covered his shins, reaching up to his knees. He'd never seen so much snow before... Maybe it'd snow through tomorrow night and they'd have a white Christmas. Well, they'd be having a white Christmas anyway. With a content sigh, he walked towards the edge of the building and brushed the snow away, quickly sitting down to watch the snow covered homes with a pleased smile.
It was true he loved sunny days, but snowy days were his second favorite kind of weather. There was just something so pure about the snow falling endlessly from the dark sky above him that he couldn't help but feel at peace with himself. He closed his eyes, a far away memory of two children running in the snow while laughing echoed all around him, invading his senses, and he wrapped his arms about him, his eyes tightening as he felt a familiar pain in his chest.
//And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that//
A small, insignificant tear made its way down his cheek, leaving behind a zigzagged path... A path appearing to be like the one he was taking... A path which ended drastically as the droplet rolled off his cheek and splashed onto his hand. A path which had left behind a small trail of exposed skin for the wind to harass with no mercy. No warmth to hold the cold at bay, no warmth to tell him he was safe... It was something he missed from the `old days'.
He slowly opened his eyes and watched as the city lights illuminated the dark sky, casting shadows all around him. He wished he'd gone to the mall with the others. There was nothing more depressing than watching the snow fall on the roof of your house even if the snow was beautiful... At least there was no mission tonight, something he was very grateful for. They had had one last year and had ended up killing a child who had been brainwashed... That must have been the worst birthday of his life. He'd turned twenty as a life was ended.
He sighed softly and looked down at his wrist, watching the hours tick by. If this day had been but several years before, he would be in his room decorated with posters and his father would be coming home in a bit, a gift under one arm and a big smile on his face to greet the birthday boy... But his father was gone and his mother along with him. A fire... It was ironic how he had lost his soul in a fire too... Would his body burn in the flames as well or would it be lay to rest with no marks of the licking flames?
A shiver ran down the boy's spine and he hugged himself tightly, trying as best as he could to keep the cold away from him; but it was no use. Then again, maybe he did want to suffer like this... He'd brought disgrace to his family's name, to his friends and to himself... What good was he? His dream had been ripped from him and now he lived in a never ending nightmare... How much longer before he lost himself behind his mask? How much longer before he cracked and lost it completely?
//And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to you//
He could still feel them hugging him close, kissing him goodnight, caressing his silky brown hair... He could still remember the sadness that had consumed them when his sister died before she could leave the hospital, when his parents comforted him in the cold lonely nights, when their mere presence brought peace upon his soul... He should have died with them in that goddamn fire. He should have been there, at home, next to them in death...
He'd sneaked out of the house hours before to play soccer with a couple of his friends even though his mother had ordered him to stay in the house because of his cold... But he had never been one to listen to authority and had sneaked out, soccer ball in hand, and had run out of the house before anyone had realized. He'd come back to find red flames licking at the blacken sky and his neighbors watching in horror as the house burnt for what seemed like forever... He remembered being hugged by the old lady who lived next door and being caressed gently as what he thought were tears ran down his cheeks.
He hadn't said good-bye... He hadn't even gotten the chance for a last kiss, a last hug... a last smile. They were gone. Both of them gone from his life forever, taken away from him before he had given them permission to leave... How could they?! A small, empty laugh echoed in the dark night as the snow continued to fall, quickly followed by harsh coughing as the brunette doubled over under the impact of the coughing fit.
For a moment he thought he was chocking on the gases the fire spit out, but understanding slowly dawned on him and he coughed some more. He was getting sick. Wonderful... Exactly what he needed now... With a dejected sigh, the boy stretched from where he sat and slowly got up, legs gone numb slowly taking him through the snow covered roof back the way he came... As soon as he closed the door behind him and stood in the empty, dark hallway, he didn't feel like staying in the house. He wanted to go back home.
//And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to//
Running back to his room at neck-breaking speed, the boy quickly changed his wet clothes for dry ones, grabbed his bike keys in one hand and his black helmet in the other and sped down the stairs. He'd have to hurry up so the others wouldn't catch him. Gods knew Ran would never let him out of the house if he knew he was sick... He stopped in his tracks as the snow blasted around him, soaking him already, but he didn't care. He wouldn't be out for long anyway. Just enough time to see his home...
He jumped on his bike and it became alive with a roar, the sound shattering the silence around him. With a rapid hand he lowered the darken visor and leaned forward, taking off into the dark, snow covered streets. His mind raced with memories long forgotten but his motions were automatic, and before he knew where he was, he'd arrived at his destination.
In front of him laid a vast piece of wasted land, blackened remains of what used to be a three story house stood out in the snow covered ground... A house which used to be garlanded year long by blossoming flowers and immobile statues of griffons and lions... He could still see the glistening pound where the carps had swum freely as their golden red bodies reflected off the sunlight and added vibrant shimmers of light to the surroundings, or as the birds sang their joyous songs. If he closed his eyes, his could see himself running around in the garden, his mother right behind him, running after him as laughter flowed from her red lips and into the world around him...
Life had been perfect. Without conscious thoughts, the boy turned the motor off and stood up, walking towards what used to be a dark green wooden gate. He carefully stepped onto the walkway, his feet carrying him unconsciously towards his favorite spot as a child. He no longer remembered his promise to be quick, nor did he care whether or not he'd catch his death in the cold... He was home. He was where he belonged... In the midst of what once used to be beautiful but was now broken and ugly because of the greedy fire which had robbed him of everything but this shell...
Finding what he had been looking for, the boy slowly knelt down on the snow covered ground and stared at the frozen water, his imagination showing him scenes of a spring day with flowers all around him and birds singing joyfully. But dreams could never last and as his vision blurred with unshed tears, he recoiled into a tight ball, his face in his knees and tears finally breaking free of his damp. He couldn't stop them anymore. He couldn't get up anymore... He didn't want to either.
As he sobbed silently to himself, memories kept playing themselves in his mind, reminding him of all he had once had and had now lost. Maybe he shouldn't have locked it all away... It was so difficult to stop now... Maybe if he hadn't been a wuss and cried when Manx had told him to, then he wouldn't be crying his heart out over something which had been lost so long ago.
//This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need//
With a final sob and a shiver, the boy raised his face to look at the scenery before him. What was he doing there anyway? Hadn't he promised himself he wouldn't dwell in the past? That he would only live in the present and look forward towards the future but never call up his past? It's not that he wanted to forget... He just didn't want to think about it.
He sat still, tears slowly making their way down his cheeks as he slowly rocked himself back and forth, trying to warm up... He could feel a series of coughs trying to make their way out of his throat but he repressed them. This place was sacred... This was the place he had once been alive in... Where he had once been a normal little boy. A place he had called home and had entered giggling and smiling, his eyes shining with joy and love. Shining with feelings he wasn't sure he knew the meaning of anymore.
One could only pretend to express unknown feelings for so long before they were caught in their own game... How could he make believe to be happy if he did no longer know the meaning of happiness? How could he possibly continue smiling when he no longer knew what lay behind his empty smiles? What exactly did he feel anyway? Pain, pity, sorrow, joy, happiness? Or was everything a giant void; a giant bowl of feelings mixing up together?
But he had no choice, right? He had to go on smiling, pretending he was fine and that he was a carefree, innocent boy... He had to go on showing he was content and that what he did during the night did not affect him... He had to continue playing his game as Ran, Yohji and Omi would continue playing their games... They needed all four players and the game had begun too long ago for him to quit now. There was no other way other than to continue forward, his head held high as his spirit hung low.
After all, wasn't that all he truly needed? To see his friends' happiness in order to know the world would be all right? Ran had started to come out of his shell and Yohji had finally somewhat gotten over Asuka's death and moved on to the big fish living next door... In this case, the younger, genki fish... They were happy, all of them... Who was he to tell them he was unhappy? That he needed someone too; someone to replace the void his family had created, the void Sister had formed... the emptiness Kase had left behind. Who was he to shout out that nothing was all right?
He was no one... So he would continue to pretend, to live in the make believe fairy tale that he was happy and content and that nothing better could ever happen in his life. Blinking the tears away, the brunette raised himself up, his nearly frozen legs shakily taking him away from his childhood sanctuary and back towards the bike covered in snow... Buried just like his dreams were... Buried in pure, wonderful whiteness which tainted minds could not touch... Buried forever and out of his reach.
//And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that//
The ride back to the Koneko was a blur of thoughts and tears. How the brunette managed to get back without killing himself was something he was curious to know. As he parked his bike and turned the engine off, he remained sitting on it, his final tears making their way down his freezing, red cheeks. He hoped the others weren't back yet... That way there would be no questioning. He didn't feel like he could face Ran's `Aya mode glare' tonight. His cough was getting harder to restrain and his vision was becoming blurry, even with the tears making their way down his cheeks.
With a final sigh, the boy wiped his wet cheeks and got off the bike, his helmet under his arm, his hair slowly being covered by the still falling flakes. He sneaked into the house, not stopping to notice the door was unlocked, and trudged up the stairs, his wet boots leaving footprints behind him. He stopped short at the top of the stairs as he heard the television in the living room on... So they were back. Back and apparently waiting for him to show up so they could yell at him...
Slowly, dreading the doom he knew was about to come, the boy continued onwards and stopped in the doorway of the living room. With the lights of the television the only illumination, the brunette saw the red head's rigid outline watching the weather forecast. Go figure that's what he'd be watching... Probably hoping it would snow a lot more so they could keep the shop closed during Christmas... The boy began to feel a tension building around him and the coughs he had managed to keep at bay since he had left the Koneko finally broke free and echoed around the silent house.
//And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to you//
If he had hoped to be able to sneak back in bed without being noticed by anyone, that sure as hell wasn't going to be happening any time soon. As soon as he stopped coughing, he felt rather than saw Ran's looming shadow and he definitely felt Ran's delicate hand touching his forehead with the gentleness only Ran could show. The brunette felt his legs buckle under him but before he could kiss the ground beneath him strong arms were hugging him and lifting him up, dragging him to the nearest couch.
He heard a voice in the distance calling his name but he couldn't see anything past the blur which had draped over his vision... He wished he could. He knew the person was asking him something important, but there was no way he could get his mouth to work. He took in a deep breath and began coughing once more... It was so hard to stop! His throat burnt and his eyes were teary under the pressure of the coughs. Then he felt a cool warmth on his forehead and relaxed back into the couch, his eyes closing and his mind beginning to wander as a soft voice sang to him...
It reminded him of his mother when he used to be sick. Hesitantly, he reached out and touched silky fingers followed by a soft, cotton sweatshirt... Through his fever haze, he opened his eyes to see a sweet faced brunette, a bright smile on her delicate pink lips as her short hair framed her face. He recognized her... From the bottom of his memory, he knew this woman. This woman who looked incredibly like him...
"Mom?"
There was a pause in the caressing fingers, but they soon continued their soothing, his feverish body calming down under the gentle pressure. Then suddenly they were gone and the boy felt an indescribable loss and small tears gathered around the corners of his eyes. He didn't want to be alone... He couldn't handle to be alone. What had he said to make the comforting presence vanish, disappear from his side and leave him alone in the dark? He hated the dark almost as much as he hated the light... The gray in which he dwelled was so far away from him that he felt he would never see it again...
As the brunette sank into desperation and loneliness, a pressure at his side forced him to open his eyes once more to try and acknowledge what was going on in the world around him. Through a blur of colors, he saw gentle orchid eyes looking down at him, a concerned expression decorating the red head's face. Was this who he thought it was? But... Ran never wore such expressions on his face. He never... He had never looked at anyone but Aya-chan with such deep concern...
"Ran?" his hoarse whisper asked through the silent room.
"Drink this. You'll feel better."
The voice was so soft, so caring... A cold object touched his lips and the boy swallowed without thinking, trusting Ran completely. After all, the red head had saved him countless times, so he didn't see why this shouldn't be another...
//And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to//
The cool liquid was comforting and smoothed away the pain in his throat. He coughed some more and as he relaxed back he looked up to Ran's passive face, devoid of the usual coldness he harbored in his eyes. It was a sight the brunette was enjoying looking at as the medicine he had swallowed cleared his head a bit. He felt safe, and he loved it.
"Ken?"
There was something in the tone the boy had never heard before... A little something which he dared associate with worry had made its way to the red head's voice as he called out the sick boy's name. Fogged up blue eyes looked up to meet orchid ones, a smile playing on the brunette's lips. He liked the way his name rolled off the man's tongue and out to him... He wished he'd do it more often. He nodded softly, not trusting himself to speak just yet.
"Where were you?"
The boy tensed, his eyes widening at the question. Where had he been? Home? Or was it a cemetery? Or was it a dream turned into a nightmare? He wasn't sure. He had been someplace he had swore to never see again, a place which reminded him of who was really buried six feet under ground with his name on the tombstone... A place he wished he could forget; a place he wished would just disappear from the face of the earth.
"Out," was his simple reply. No one needed to know the truth; no one was going to get the truth.
"What were you doing at that house for so long?"
The boy sat up straight, blue eyes wide with fear and anger as he looked at the passive face in front of him. He knew? How did he know? Had he followed him? Had he been watching him as he cried in front of the frozen pond? But then why had he asked? Slowly lowering his eyes to gaze at the blanket which had been placed on him, the boy smiled sadly, his mind deciding on no longer keeping the secret to itself and finally revealing the truth to those who deserved knowing it.
"Remembering my parents," he whispered, the smile never leaving.
"Are they still alive?"
A slow shake of the head. "No. They died in a fire when I was seven." Small droplets blurred the boy's vision before they began to roll down his cheeks. "The house caught fire. I was out playing soccer."
//This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear//
Tender arms slowly encircled the tortured boy, pulling him close to the warm body seated next to him. Instinctively he leaned back, eyes closing slowly as the presence comforted him and calmed his confused emotions. He snuggled up close, his head resting on the red head's torso, and he lay quietly listening to the taller man's beating heart. Just like he used to do with his mother, but this time, there was a proximity very different from the one he used to share.
"Ken... Do you know what today is?" the man asked, his voice sending shivers down the boy's spine as he breathed in his ear.
A slow nod. "My birthday..."
He felt the body behind him shift slightly and a package appeared in front of him, soccer balls imprinted on the sky blue wrapping paper. Uncertain hands moved to take the gift from the pale hands and shakily opened it, eyes watching the paper crumbling beneath his fingers. Blue eyes opened wide as shaking hands pulled from the box a glass representation of a small child handing a rose to an invisible person. A small note fluttered onto the boy's laps and he picked it up, eyes watering as he read the words promising him what he had always hoped to obtain and claim his own.
In a spur of happiness and uncertainty, the boy whirled around and threw his arms onto the read head's neck, embracing him with all his might as fresh tears made their way down his flushed cheeks. He smiled as he felt the embrace being returned and tightened his own, intent on not letting go.
"Do you mean them?" he whispered, his voice cracking at the end.
"Every word... I need you."
The boy nodded, expressing his feelings through the quick peck he allowed himself the pleasure of giving before he settled back down, his back leaning on the man's torso. For today, all he wanted was to feel the presence behind him and know he would be there when he came back home; know he would be there when he needed him... All he wanted for the day was to be hugged and loved back... All he wanted was to be reassured that he could be loved and that he deserved to be loved... That not all of him had been buried after the fire.
That he was indeed still human...
//And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to//
Author: Lilas
Keyword/Pairings: Ken/Ran, angst, waff (just a bit)
Spoilers: Aya's name, Episode 4 (I guess)...
Summary: It's Ken's birthday and past memories are coming back to haunt him.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own them, but I wish I did! Especially Kenken!!! ~hugs him tight~ And `My December' is by Linkin' Park and I don't claim it's mine because they do such a good job singing/playing it! Go listen to it!! It's sooo worth it!
***
//This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear//
White. Everything was white... So pure, so beautiful that the boy felt it would be a sin to touch the falling flakes with his stained hands; but he wanted to touch them so badly... Maybe today he could. Maybe if he touched the flakes today they wouldn't melt and die off, disappearing from the face of the earth... Maybe he had been cleansed on his birthday and would spare the flakes the fate of dissolving into liquid by his touch.
No such luck. The snowflakes fell upon his exposed hands and immediately vanished from the heat given off by his skin. A soft sigh escaped his lips and he slowly shook his head, his bonnet tight around his head and his scarf pilled with snow. There was nothing worst than having to do deliveries on a snowing day... Especially when said day was his birthday and on which he would be turning twenty-one!
The thought of warming up by a fireplace, a hot cup of cocoa in his hands was all too appealing to the brunette as he waved to the last costumer of the day. He sighed once more, a soft growl slowly making itself up his throat as he looked down at his watch. He was late for his shift. It'd been harder than he'd thought to drive the delivery bike in the snow and now he was late... Just what he needed!
With a soft string of curses, the boy hopped on the pink scooter and started it off, headlights on as he sped through the empty streets. The wind harshly whipping by his face brought him a sense of peace nothing else could... This was freedom. Riding on a bike was as close to flying as he could get, the wind giving him a feeling of weightlessness. But it was all in his mind, and he knew that... However, imagination was an important aspect of his life and he treasured the feeling it brought to him as he streaked by the empty streets.
All too soon he reached his destination and quickly shut off the motor, itching to get back inside the warmth of the Koneko. He ran through the door, hastily taking off his waterproof boots and throwing them to the side as he stuffed on his white sneakers. He stopped himself from barging into the flower shop when he realized it was all too quiet... It was two days before Christmas and there was no noise coming from the usually girl-packed room... What was going on?!
Carefully, the brunette pushed the door open and peeked in. The lights were off and the `Yes! We're Open!' sign was facing him... and that could only mean one thing. The others had closed down for the night. Silently stepping into the room, the sharp eyes immediately noticed the sparkling white note on the counter. He slowly picked it up and read it in the dark, a soft, sadden sigh escaping his lips as he read its content.
They had gone out shopping. All three of them. According to the note, no one had showed up and they decide to go Christmas shopping. Why hadn't they waited for him to come back? Why hadn't they called him on the cell phone and told him they were going? He could have hurried up with the deliveries and gone with them...
//This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone//
Oh well... At least he could relax for the rest of the day and enjoy his birthday in his apartment while eating a hot cup of ramen... With a rejected sigh, the boy crumpled the note and threw it in the air, not caring whether it entered the wastebasket or not. Memories of past birthdays filled his mind's eyes and the faraway laughter gave him a feeling of emptiness he had not felt since... since he'd watched the news and seen his picture on the television, the reporter commenting on his death.
The boy quickly shook his head and sped out from the dark room, locking it behind him. He took the stairs two at a time and stopped in front of his room. Did he really want to lock himself off now? Not really... Maybe he'd just watch the city lights from the roof. After all, what better way to spend a snowy day by yourself? With a quick nod to himself, he ran back down the stairs and put his boots back on as well as an extra layer of clothing and stepped out onto the roof, the wind assaulting his senses as soon as he closed the door.
He watched as the snow covered his shins, reaching up to his knees. He'd never seen so much snow before... Maybe it'd snow through tomorrow night and they'd have a white Christmas. Well, they'd be having a white Christmas anyway. With a content sigh, he walked towards the edge of the building and brushed the snow away, quickly sitting down to watch the snow covered homes with a pleased smile.
It was true he loved sunny days, but snowy days were his second favorite kind of weather. There was just something so pure about the snow falling endlessly from the dark sky above him that he couldn't help but feel at peace with himself. He closed his eyes, a far away memory of two children running in the snow while laughing echoed all around him, invading his senses, and he wrapped his arms about him, his eyes tightening as he felt a familiar pain in his chest.
//And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that//
A small, insignificant tear made its way down his cheek, leaving behind a zigzagged path... A path appearing to be like the one he was taking... A path which ended drastically as the droplet rolled off his cheek and splashed onto his hand. A path which had left behind a small trail of exposed skin for the wind to harass with no mercy. No warmth to hold the cold at bay, no warmth to tell him he was safe... It was something he missed from the `old days'.
He slowly opened his eyes and watched as the city lights illuminated the dark sky, casting shadows all around him. He wished he'd gone to the mall with the others. There was nothing more depressing than watching the snow fall on the roof of your house even if the snow was beautiful... At least there was no mission tonight, something he was very grateful for. They had had one last year and had ended up killing a child who had been brainwashed... That must have been the worst birthday of his life. He'd turned twenty as a life was ended.
He sighed softly and looked down at his wrist, watching the hours tick by. If this day had been but several years before, he would be in his room decorated with posters and his father would be coming home in a bit, a gift under one arm and a big smile on his face to greet the birthday boy... But his father was gone and his mother along with him. A fire... It was ironic how he had lost his soul in a fire too... Would his body burn in the flames as well or would it be lay to rest with no marks of the licking flames?
A shiver ran down the boy's spine and he hugged himself tightly, trying as best as he could to keep the cold away from him; but it was no use. Then again, maybe he did want to suffer like this... He'd brought disgrace to his family's name, to his friends and to himself... What good was he? His dream had been ripped from him and now he lived in a never ending nightmare... How much longer before he lost himself behind his mask? How much longer before he cracked and lost it completely?
//And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to you//
He could still feel them hugging him close, kissing him goodnight, caressing his silky brown hair... He could still remember the sadness that had consumed them when his sister died before she could leave the hospital, when his parents comforted him in the cold lonely nights, when their mere presence brought peace upon his soul... He should have died with them in that goddamn fire. He should have been there, at home, next to them in death...
He'd sneaked out of the house hours before to play soccer with a couple of his friends even though his mother had ordered him to stay in the house because of his cold... But he had never been one to listen to authority and had sneaked out, soccer ball in hand, and had run out of the house before anyone had realized. He'd come back to find red flames licking at the blacken sky and his neighbors watching in horror as the house burnt for what seemed like forever... He remembered being hugged by the old lady who lived next door and being caressed gently as what he thought were tears ran down his cheeks.
He hadn't said good-bye... He hadn't even gotten the chance for a last kiss, a last hug... a last smile. They were gone. Both of them gone from his life forever, taken away from him before he had given them permission to leave... How could they?! A small, empty laugh echoed in the dark night as the snow continued to fall, quickly followed by harsh coughing as the brunette doubled over under the impact of the coughing fit.
For a moment he thought he was chocking on the gases the fire spit out, but understanding slowly dawned on him and he coughed some more. He was getting sick. Wonderful... Exactly what he needed now... With a dejected sigh, the boy stretched from where he sat and slowly got up, legs gone numb slowly taking him through the snow covered roof back the way he came... As soon as he closed the door behind him and stood in the empty, dark hallway, he didn't feel like staying in the house. He wanted to go back home.
//And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to//
Running back to his room at neck-breaking speed, the boy quickly changed his wet clothes for dry ones, grabbed his bike keys in one hand and his black helmet in the other and sped down the stairs. He'd have to hurry up so the others wouldn't catch him. Gods knew Ran would never let him out of the house if he knew he was sick... He stopped in his tracks as the snow blasted around him, soaking him already, but he didn't care. He wouldn't be out for long anyway. Just enough time to see his home...
He jumped on his bike and it became alive with a roar, the sound shattering the silence around him. With a rapid hand he lowered the darken visor and leaned forward, taking off into the dark, snow covered streets. His mind raced with memories long forgotten but his motions were automatic, and before he knew where he was, he'd arrived at his destination.
In front of him laid a vast piece of wasted land, blackened remains of what used to be a three story house stood out in the snow covered ground... A house which used to be garlanded year long by blossoming flowers and immobile statues of griffons and lions... He could still see the glistening pound where the carps had swum freely as their golden red bodies reflected off the sunlight and added vibrant shimmers of light to the surroundings, or as the birds sang their joyous songs. If he closed his eyes, his could see himself running around in the garden, his mother right behind him, running after him as laughter flowed from her red lips and into the world around him...
Life had been perfect. Without conscious thoughts, the boy turned the motor off and stood up, walking towards what used to be a dark green wooden gate. He carefully stepped onto the walkway, his feet carrying him unconsciously towards his favorite spot as a child. He no longer remembered his promise to be quick, nor did he care whether or not he'd catch his death in the cold... He was home. He was where he belonged... In the midst of what once used to be beautiful but was now broken and ugly because of the greedy fire which had robbed him of everything but this shell...
Finding what he had been looking for, the boy slowly knelt down on the snow covered ground and stared at the frozen water, his imagination showing him scenes of a spring day with flowers all around him and birds singing joyfully. But dreams could never last and as his vision blurred with unshed tears, he recoiled into a tight ball, his face in his knees and tears finally breaking free of his damp. He couldn't stop them anymore. He couldn't get up anymore... He didn't want to either.
As he sobbed silently to himself, memories kept playing themselves in his mind, reminding him of all he had once had and had now lost. Maybe he shouldn't have locked it all away... It was so difficult to stop now... Maybe if he hadn't been a wuss and cried when Manx had told him to, then he wouldn't be crying his heart out over something which had been lost so long ago.
//This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need//
With a final sob and a shiver, the boy raised his face to look at the scenery before him. What was he doing there anyway? Hadn't he promised himself he wouldn't dwell in the past? That he would only live in the present and look forward towards the future but never call up his past? It's not that he wanted to forget... He just didn't want to think about it.
He sat still, tears slowly making their way down his cheeks as he slowly rocked himself back and forth, trying to warm up... He could feel a series of coughs trying to make their way out of his throat but he repressed them. This place was sacred... This was the place he had once been alive in... Where he had once been a normal little boy. A place he had called home and had entered giggling and smiling, his eyes shining with joy and love. Shining with feelings he wasn't sure he knew the meaning of anymore.
One could only pretend to express unknown feelings for so long before they were caught in their own game... How could he make believe to be happy if he did no longer know the meaning of happiness? How could he possibly continue smiling when he no longer knew what lay behind his empty smiles? What exactly did he feel anyway? Pain, pity, sorrow, joy, happiness? Or was everything a giant void; a giant bowl of feelings mixing up together?
But he had no choice, right? He had to go on smiling, pretending he was fine and that he was a carefree, innocent boy... He had to go on showing he was content and that what he did during the night did not affect him... He had to continue playing his game as Ran, Yohji and Omi would continue playing their games... They needed all four players and the game had begun too long ago for him to quit now. There was no other way other than to continue forward, his head held high as his spirit hung low.
After all, wasn't that all he truly needed? To see his friends' happiness in order to know the world would be all right? Ran had started to come out of his shell and Yohji had finally somewhat gotten over Asuka's death and moved on to the big fish living next door... In this case, the younger, genki fish... They were happy, all of them... Who was he to tell them he was unhappy? That he needed someone too; someone to replace the void his family had created, the void Sister had formed... the emptiness Kase had left behind. Who was he to shout out that nothing was all right?
He was no one... So he would continue to pretend, to live in the make believe fairy tale that he was happy and content and that nothing better could ever happen in his life. Blinking the tears away, the brunette raised himself up, his nearly frozen legs shakily taking him away from his childhood sanctuary and back towards the bike covered in snow... Buried just like his dreams were... Buried in pure, wonderful whiteness which tainted minds could not touch... Buried forever and out of his reach.
//And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that//
The ride back to the Koneko was a blur of thoughts and tears. How the brunette managed to get back without killing himself was something he was curious to know. As he parked his bike and turned the engine off, he remained sitting on it, his final tears making their way down his freezing, red cheeks. He hoped the others weren't back yet... That way there would be no questioning. He didn't feel like he could face Ran's `Aya mode glare' tonight. His cough was getting harder to restrain and his vision was becoming blurry, even with the tears making their way down his cheeks.
With a final sigh, the boy wiped his wet cheeks and got off the bike, his helmet under his arm, his hair slowly being covered by the still falling flakes. He sneaked into the house, not stopping to notice the door was unlocked, and trudged up the stairs, his wet boots leaving footprints behind him. He stopped short at the top of the stairs as he heard the television in the living room on... So they were back. Back and apparently waiting for him to show up so they could yell at him...
Slowly, dreading the doom he knew was about to come, the boy continued onwards and stopped in the doorway of the living room. With the lights of the television the only illumination, the brunette saw the red head's rigid outline watching the weather forecast. Go figure that's what he'd be watching... Probably hoping it would snow a lot more so they could keep the shop closed during Christmas... The boy began to feel a tension building around him and the coughs he had managed to keep at bay since he had left the Koneko finally broke free and echoed around the silent house.
//And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to you//
If he had hoped to be able to sneak back in bed without being noticed by anyone, that sure as hell wasn't going to be happening any time soon. As soon as he stopped coughing, he felt rather than saw Ran's looming shadow and he definitely felt Ran's delicate hand touching his forehead with the gentleness only Ran could show. The brunette felt his legs buckle under him but before he could kiss the ground beneath him strong arms were hugging him and lifting him up, dragging him to the nearest couch.
He heard a voice in the distance calling his name but he couldn't see anything past the blur which had draped over his vision... He wished he could. He knew the person was asking him something important, but there was no way he could get his mouth to work. He took in a deep breath and began coughing once more... It was so hard to stop! His throat burnt and his eyes were teary under the pressure of the coughs. Then he felt a cool warmth on his forehead and relaxed back into the couch, his eyes closing and his mind beginning to wander as a soft voice sang to him...
It reminded him of his mother when he used to be sick. Hesitantly, he reached out and touched silky fingers followed by a soft, cotton sweatshirt... Through his fever haze, he opened his eyes to see a sweet faced brunette, a bright smile on her delicate pink lips as her short hair framed her face. He recognized her... From the bottom of his memory, he knew this woman. This woman who looked incredibly like him...
"Mom?"
There was a pause in the caressing fingers, but they soon continued their soothing, his feverish body calming down under the gentle pressure. Then suddenly they were gone and the boy felt an indescribable loss and small tears gathered around the corners of his eyes. He didn't want to be alone... He couldn't handle to be alone. What had he said to make the comforting presence vanish, disappear from his side and leave him alone in the dark? He hated the dark almost as much as he hated the light... The gray in which he dwelled was so far away from him that he felt he would never see it again...
As the brunette sank into desperation and loneliness, a pressure at his side forced him to open his eyes once more to try and acknowledge what was going on in the world around him. Through a blur of colors, he saw gentle orchid eyes looking down at him, a concerned expression decorating the red head's face. Was this who he thought it was? But... Ran never wore such expressions on his face. He never... He had never looked at anyone but Aya-chan with such deep concern...
"Ran?" his hoarse whisper asked through the silent room.
"Drink this. You'll feel better."
The voice was so soft, so caring... A cold object touched his lips and the boy swallowed without thinking, trusting Ran completely. After all, the red head had saved him countless times, so he didn't see why this shouldn't be another...
//And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to//
The cool liquid was comforting and smoothed away the pain in his throat. He coughed some more and as he relaxed back he looked up to Ran's passive face, devoid of the usual coldness he harbored in his eyes. It was a sight the brunette was enjoying looking at as the medicine he had swallowed cleared his head a bit. He felt safe, and he loved it.
"Ken?"
There was something in the tone the boy had never heard before... A little something which he dared associate with worry had made its way to the red head's voice as he called out the sick boy's name. Fogged up blue eyes looked up to meet orchid ones, a smile playing on the brunette's lips. He liked the way his name rolled off the man's tongue and out to him... He wished he'd do it more often. He nodded softly, not trusting himself to speak just yet.
"Where were you?"
The boy tensed, his eyes widening at the question. Where had he been? Home? Or was it a cemetery? Or was it a dream turned into a nightmare? He wasn't sure. He had been someplace he had swore to never see again, a place which reminded him of who was really buried six feet under ground with his name on the tombstone... A place he wished he could forget; a place he wished would just disappear from the face of the earth.
"Out," was his simple reply. No one needed to know the truth; no one was going to get the truth.
"What were you doing at that house for so long?"
The boy sat up straight, blue eyes wide with fear and anger as he looked at the passive face in front of him. He knew? How did he know? Had he followed him? Had he been watching him as he cried in front of the frozen pond? But then why had he asked? Slowly lowering his eyes to gaze at the blanket which had been placed on him, the boy smiled sadly, his mind deciding on no longer keeping the secret to itself and finally revealing the truth to those who deserved knowing it.
"Remembering my parents," he whispered, the smile never leaving.
"Are they still alive?"
A slow shake of the head. "No. They died in a fire when I was seven." Small droplets blurred the boy's vision before they began to roll down his cheeks. "The house caught fire. I was out playing soccer."
//This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear//
Tender arms slowly encircled the tortured boy, pulling him close to the warm body seated next to him. Instinctively he leaned back, eyes closing slowly as the presence comforted him and calmed his confused emotions. He snuggled up close, his head resting on the red head's torso, and he lay quietly listening to the taller man's beating heart. Just like he used to do with his mother, but this time, there was a proximity very different from the one he used to share.
"Ken... Do you know what today is?" the man asked, his voice sending shivers down the boy's spine as he breathed in his ear.
A slow nod. "My birthday..."
He felt the body behind him shift slightly and a package appeared in front of him, soccer balls imprinted on the sky blue wrapping paper. Uncertain hands moved to take the gift from the pale hands and shakily opened it, eyes watching the paper crumbling beneath his fingers. Blue eyes opened wide as shaking hands pulled from the box a glass representation of a small child handing a rose to an invisible person. A small note fluttered onto the boy's laps and he picked it up, eyes watering as he read the words promising him what he had always hoped to obtain and claim his own.
In a spur of happiness and uncertainty, the boy whirled around and threw his arms onto the read head's neck, embracing him with all his might as fresh tears made their way down his flushed cheeks. He smiled as he felt the embrace being returned and tightened his own, intent on not letting go.
"Do you mean them?" he whispered, his voice cracking at the end.
"Every word... I need you."
The boy nodded, expressing his feelings through the quick peck he allowed himself the pleasure of giving before he settled back down, his back leaning on the man's torso. For today, all he wanted was to feel the presence behind him and know he would be there when he came back home; know he would be there when he needed him... All he wanted for the day was to be hugged and loved back... All he wanted was to be reassured that he could be loved and that he deserved to be loved... That not all of him had been buried after the fire.
That he was indeed still human...
//And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to//