COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
All rights and privileges to Houshin Engi belong to Ryu
Fujisaki, JUMP Comics; Shueisha Inc., and TV Tokyo. Characters
from HE are used without permission for the purpose of
entertainment only. This work of fanfiction is not meant for
commercial use. No infringements of rights are intended.
In other words - please don't sue me, shi NEEDs her
allowance to buy HE merchandise and make you guys rich!
****************************************************************
V. mask undonned
by Kotoshin, aka Shioru Sutherlands
****************************************************************
"Depending on person and place -
for every occasion a different face."
================================================================
"Bou-chan is the person I like the best."
The words were spoken with a smile.
"Heh. I like you the best, too, Fuugen."
Because we're best friends, the anwering smile said.
/I like you the best .../
"Nothing's ever gonna change that."
"Really?" Another smile, crystal clear like glass. "If
it's alright with you - I'll never leave Bou-chan."
"Whaddaya mean, if it's alright?"
//Why would I ever want you to?//
"Because Bou-chan doesn't like the people he cares about
to be unhappy. So Bou-chan keeps secrets, not telling anyone."
"Fuugen ..."
"But I can tell ... and I'll give Bou-chan room to be
alone if Bou-chan needs it."
"Hey, Fuugen, tell you what - I won't keep secrets
from you if you don't."
"Only if you do the same and keep no secrets from me.
Equal exchange is only fair, ne?"
Both laughed.
Best friends forever, right?
.... right?
================================================================
Pain ripped savagely in him. It burst open like a dry,
cracked seedpod spilling its red jewels. He could barely
breathe, so intense was this pain. He had never felt this pain
before, never.
When he knew that he had lost Bou-chan irrevocably, the
grief had been but a steady pulse. Easily kept controlled and
shut away - a wild beast that raged against its cage in vain.
This was the beast turned loose. The beast roaming
free, devouring him from the inside. If Bou-chan had been in
the same room with him ...
If Bou-chan had been there, he would have hurt him -
he would have. Just to let him know the barest hint of this
grieving rage - perhaps rip him apart with words that struck
where it hurt the most and -
/NO./
He stopped the beast cold. Thrust the beast brutally
back into its cage.
/No./
It violated the very essence of everything he once
was - that which lingers, dregs of the long-ago innocence
lost.
"... no."
Even if he had nothing in return ... even if he was
hurt more cruelly by the thoughtless neglect than any
intentional slight ...
He still loved. He still loved Bou-chan, still
brought himself to understood Bou-chan, despite the
understanding which realized all the shortcomings and faults
as well as all the qualities he admired in Bou-chan. Despite
everything, he understood because he still cared to.
He understood how little need Bou-chan had of him,
the flawed, imitation-copy that he was.
The violet mist cannot hide the mystery of purple
waters. The cloudless sky cannot pierce the depths of the
blue ocean.
He was but a poor, faded wraith beside Youzen's
vivid beauty. His intelligence paled beside Youzen's
brilliance. His cradling worship was no match to Youzen's
sharp wit. All the tenderness he had could not cushion the
confidence daunted by a single question, just as
suggestions made by Youzen were heard over the soothing
intended by his own voice.
Youzen challenged Bou-chan ... while he only
coddled him. Youzen made Bou-chan think. Youzen was
Bou-chan's desire. He was not.
What Bou-chan desired was not the soft, unthinking,
reflexive gentleness that was all he could afford to offer.
All that he was allowed to offer. All that he was allowed
to offer under Youzen's gaze before Bou-chan's discomfiture.
All that /he/ allowed himself to offer. All that he allowed
himself to offer, for fear of more than he should.
He was only a shelter from the rain.
Youzen was the sunshine.
No one takes to shelter when the sun shines.
He could understand - for Bou-chan was not alone
in the desire and need of sunshine. But he needed it from
Bou-chan.
And he had no shelter and it was raining ....
Alone in the cold bed that night, sheltered by
no one and nothing, Fuugen found himself bare and bereft
of even comforting illusion. There was nothing that kept
him from the truth - and truth is what hurts the most.
He lay still, feeling only the memories happening
within him. The awakening memory that took the mask that
was himself aside.
/... you were never made to endure pain./
Exposed and unable to hide, without shelter. Numbed
to the cold because of the pain.
/You were only meant to forget pain./
He could not think, he was losing whatever semblence
of stability he had, whatever slippery grasp he ever held on
reality.
/... and too much pain will shatter you./
He was alone and not alone, left in an open space
carried away by the child from the past. The child that he
was. The child that was him.
/I cannot let that happen, because I would be hurt if
you were to break./
Images of love, images of pain. Images of loss of love
in pain. Too keen, too sharp, too cold. Icy wind and rain and
storm in the heart without a shelter.
/So, sleep./
Small cool fingers closed sore weeping eyes.
/Sleep until I can make another to take your place./
- end -
================================================================
minor bits of babble:
The Fugen-introspective was written after shi read Tigana.
It's a superb piece of fantasy by Guy Gavriel Kay.
... with the writer's (and the reader's) sympathy all centered
on Dianora - it made shi wonder about what Solores must think
since Brandin does NOT love her.
Especially since the two women's personalities DO contrast as
Fugen's & Youzen's does.
================================================================
Last Modified: February 10, 2002 at 11:45 PM
================================================================
All rights and privileges to Houshin Engi belong to Ryu
Fujisaki, JUMP Comics; Shueisha Inc., and TV Tokyo. Characters
from HE are used without permission for the purpose of
entertainment only. This work of fanfiction is not meant for
commercial use. No infringements of rights are intended.
In other words - please don't sue me, shi NEEDs her
allowance to buy HE merchandise and make you guys rich!
****************************************************************
V. mask undonned
by Kotoshin, aka Shioru Sutherlands
****************************************************************
"Depending on person and place -
for every occasion a different face."
================================================================
"Bou-chan is the person I like the best."
The words were spoken with a smile.
"Heh. I like you the best, too, Fuugen."
Because we're best friends, the anwering smile said.
/I like you the best .../
"Nothing's ever gonna change that."
"Really?" Another smile, crystal clear like glass. "If
it's alright with you - I'll never leave Bou-chan."
"Whaddaya mean, if it's alright?"
//Why would I ever want you to?//
"Because Bou-chan doesn't like the people he cares about
to be unhappy. So Bou-chan keeps secrets, not telling anyone."
"Fuugen ..."
"But I can tell ... and I'll give Bou-chan room to be
alone if Bou-chan needs it."
"Hey, Fuugen, tell you what - I won't keep secrets
from you if you don't."
"Only if you do the same and keep no secrets from me.
Equal exchange is only fair, ne?"
Both laughed.
Best friends forever, right?
.... right?
================================================================
Pain ripped savagely in him. It burst open like a dry,
cracked seedpod spilling its red jewels. He could barely
breathe, so intense was this pain. He had never felt this pain
before, never.
When he knew that he had lost Bou-chan irrevocably, the
grief had been but a steady pulse. Easily kept controlled and
shut away - a wild beast that raged against its cage in vain.
This was the beast turned loose. The beast roaming
free, devouring him from the inside. If Bou-chan had been in
the same room with him ...
If Bou-chan had been there, he would have hurt him -
he would have. Just to let him know the barest hint of this
grieving rage - perhaps rip him apart with words that struck
where it hurt the most and -
/NO./
He stopped the beast cold. Thrust the beast brutally
back into its cage.
/No./
It violated the very essence of everything he once
was - that which lingers, dregs of the long-ago innocence
lost.
"... no."
Even if he had nothing in return ... even if he was
hurt more cruelly by the thoughtless neglect than any
intentional slight ...
He still loved. He still loved Bou-chan, still
brought himself to understood Bou-chan, despite the
understanding which realized all the shortcomings and faults
as well as all the qualities he admired in Bou-chan. Despite
everything, he understood because he still cared to.
He understood how little need Bou-chan had of him,
the flawed, imitation-copy that he was.
The violet mist cannot hide the mystery of purple
waters. The cloudless sky cannot pierce the depths of the
blue ocean.
He was but a poor, faded wraith beside Youzen's
vivid beauty. His intelligence paled beside Youzen's
brilliance. His cradling worship was no match to Youzen's
sharp wit. All the tenderness he had could not cushion the
confidence daunted by a single question, just as
suggestions made by Youzen were heard over the soothing
intended by his own voice.
Youzen challenged Bou-chan ... while he only
coddled him. Youzen made Bou-chan think. Youzen was
Bou-chan's desire. He was not.
What Bou-chan desired was not the soft, unthinking,
reflexive gentleness that was all he could afford to offer.
All that he was allowed to offer. All that he was allowed
to offer under Youzen's gaze before Bou-chan's discomfiture.
All that /he/ allowed himself to offer. All that he allowed
himself to offer, for fear of more than he should.
He was only a shelter from the rain.
Youzen was the sunshine.
No one takes to shelter when the sun shines.
He could understand - for Bou-chan was not alone
in the desire and need of sunshine. But he needed it from
Bou-chan.
And he had no shelter and it was raining ....
Alone in the cold bed that night, sheltered by
no one and nothing, Fuugen found himself bare and bereft
of even comforting illusion. There was nothing that kept
him from the truth - and truth is what hurts the most.
He lay still, feeling only the memories happening
within him. The awakening memory that took the mask that
was himself aside.
/... you were never made to endure pain./
Exposed and unable to hide, without shelter. Numbed
to the cold because of the pain.
/You were only meant to forget pain./
He could not think, he was losing whatever semblence
of stability he had, whatever slippery grasp he ever held on
reality.
/... and too much pain will shatter you./
He was alone and not alone, left in an open space
carried away by the child from the past. The child that he
was. The child that was him.
/I cannot let that happen, because I would be hurt if
you were to break./
Images of love, images of pain. Images of loss of love
in pain. Too keen, too sharp, too cold. Icy wind and rain and
storm in the heart without a shelter.
/So, sleep./
Small cool fingers closed sore weeping eyes.
/Sleep until I can make another to take your place./
- end -
================================================================
minor bits of babble:
The Fugen-introspective was written after shi read Tigana.
It's a superb piece of fantasy by Guy Gavriel Kay.
... with the writer's (and the reader's) sympathy all centered
on Dianora - it made shi wonder about what Solores must think
since Brandin does NOT love her.
Especially since the two women's personalities DO contrast as
Fugen's & Youzen's does.
================================================================
Last Modified: February 10, 2002 at 11:45 PM
================================================================