A/N: Herein lie the thoughts of Draco Malfoy. This is loosely inspired by the song 'Jealous Guy', by John Lennon. Also, I would love constructive feedback to this! Again, the is Draco's P.O.V.
Warning: Slight slash! If you don't like slash, you've been warned!
Disclaimer: Sadly, I own nothing! J.K. Rowling owns it all! Apart from the lyrics, which belong to John Lennon, from the song 'Jealous Guy'.
Desperation of Love
"I was dreaming of the past, and my heart was beating fast. I began to lose control; I didn't mean to hurt you... I was feeling insecure, you might not love me anymore… I was swallowing my pain, I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry that I made you cry. I didn't want to hurt you. I'm just a jealous guy. "
'Jealous Guy', John Lennon
Blood. Deep crimson blood cascades down my face. All I see is blood. And you.
Yes, I see you.
Shadow illuminated by hurt. Pain erupting from a broken heart.
I love you.
And yet, I know you hate me.
I deserve your hate.
Deserve your anger.
But I never deserved you.
You don't know how much it hurts me to see you hurting. I know it's all my fault. But, what other choice did I have?
Surrender to your honest love? Or, have his undying respect?
Damn you!
I loved you.
I still love you.
Don't you know why I did what I did? I did it for you!
Traded my life, my love, for you. Letting you get away from me. Away from my selfishness, away from my unscrupulousness.
I couldn't change. Corrupted be evil, degeneration was inevitable.
You deserved someone better.
He offered me the world.
Promised success.
Promised power.
Promised respect.
All for me!
I thought my love was a small sacrifice for all he offered.
I was wrong.
Heart thumping.
Head spinning.
I see you.
Spirit broken.
Soul destroyed.
Confused and hurt.
Anger and disappointment twisting irrationally together.
Hate.
Don't you know that I have always loved you?
Placed my life, my ambition, my soul on the line for you?
No. You don't know.
I betrayed you.
I can't deny my actions.
Passion and ambition colliding together.
Destroyers of jealousy.
Strangling me.
Suffocating me.
Forcing me to betray my heart.
Pretending it didn't matter.
Didn't hurt.
Didn't crush me.
Soul mangled. Essence of life evaporated.
Emotions corroded away to nothing.
Cold. Empty. Heartless.
I couldn't help but enjoy it.
Revelling in power and glory.
Emotions askew.
Light and free.
Yes, I enjoyed it.
Enjoyed his praise.
Enjoyed his understanding.
It was me.
It was what I was born to be.
You know me. I couldn't run from it.
Bittersweet enjoyment clouded by pure hatred.
In the same way I enjoyed it, I hated it.
Hated hurting you.
Using you.
Destroying you.
Betraying you.
Love manipulated.
Turned to hate.
Greed.
Arrogance.
Ignorance.
Jealousy.
I pretended not to realise what I was doing.
Tried to hide my actions from my heart.
Closed my mind and soul.
Death would have been easier.
Even now I don't understand why I continued craving attention from him.
Don't understand why I turned my back on your love.
Shirked my emotional responsibilities, and destroyed my life.
Controlling my life, he knew how to entice me.
Slowly turning heart on heart, I realised I could never live without you.
Words run rampant in my mind.
Useless, meaningless words.
Love. Hate. Life. Death. Pain. Anger. Hurt. Betrayal. And Love. Love. Love. Love.
Cold tears slide down my face.
I can feel your eyes bore into me.
I was blinded. Mosaics of jealousy danced in my light.
Yes, I was jealous.
Jealous of you.
Jealous of their attention of you.
Flaming red and bushy brown ever persistent.
Continual love, never faltering.
I couldn't give to you what they could.
Couldn't hold you and love you the way you desired.
The way you deserved. Not the way they could.
They could stand by you.
Love you.
Hold you.
Know you.
Better than I ever could. Ever would.
So I turned my back, closed my heart.
Convinced myself that he could give to me what I could not give to you.
Gave myself over, resentful of you, resentful of your love.
I was a fool.
Naïve of love.
I learnt I could never run from you.
Learnt that he was just an instrument to hide my soul with.
Realised that I would always love you.
Could never hurt you.
Too late.
Time wasted, all gone.
He played my soul with a bow.
Destroyed you. Destroyed me.
I lie here, slowly dying.
Desperation of love erupting.
Reaching out to you.
Begging you to forgive me.
To love me the way I love you.
I need you.
Need you to love me.
Need you to hold me.
Need you to adore me.
Please don't leave me.
Please, don't turn away.
Please, listen to me.
I love you. I have always loved you. I will continue to love you.
Always.