A/N: I have absolutely fallen in love with first person POV. I feel it is
the best, perhaps only, way to really and truly express certain themes like
guilt, love, and internal struggle. I have decided to cease work on "The
Ways of Truth and Love" (Only for a little bit, Tsunami!), and write a few
chapters about certain character's point of view of snow. Why snow? Don't
ask me. Probably because snow can be very magical...especially when
everything is moving so fast, and people take the time to watch a few
flakes fall.
Chapter 1: Lily
I glanced through the doorway to see James leaning over our son, Harry. His hands were tender, and his voice soft, but I knew that deep inside he wasn't feeling tender or soft. He is so distant these days. At least he can manage kindness towards Harry. This has been the coldest October in the history of Octobers, in more ways than one.
I left James to the baby and made my rounds about the house, tightening latches and checking locks. Now I gaze out the window at the chilled, dark winter sky. I can't remember the last time I touched the earth outside. Our secret is well kept, but we dare not venture out the door. We are only protected within these walls. Protected from the evil that hunts us, but not from our fears and uneasy silence. Sometimes I feel that I'd rather live with the knowledge that my whereabouts were Voldemort's for the knowing, and that I could just live out the rest of my probably short life without constrictions. James and I aren't young and careless anymore, though. We have Harry.
Harry. My little angel, James' proudest accomplishment. I remember his birth, almost a year ago. Yes, dark times had come, and yes, we were surrounded on all sides by what seemed like horrible circumstances, but Harry had changed things. For the first time since I had graduated from school and practically signed my name on Voldemort's hit list, I felt a little bit of hope. James called him his first son...as if we were going to have many, many sons together. I pat my stomach – perhaps we will have another son, or maybe even a daughter. He doesn't know yet; how could he? Perhaps this will bring us together again, just as Harry had. Then again, maybe this cold is here to stay.
I realize I'm pressing my nose against the windowpane. Instead walking away from this view of my neglected gardens and leaf-strewn walk, I focus intently on a small white flake floating the ground. Another follows it, then another. Snow begins to fall lightly, illuminated by the moon. My mind drifts back to a day and an age long before the Dark Lord, before James turned so silent and stony. I can remember the first time he said he loved me.
We were in fifth year. He was the adorable, well-liked, mischievous, Gryffindor seeker. I was the fiery, indignant, intelligent redhead that he had crossed a number of times. Over the years our competitive edge gave way to prolonged visits in Hogwarts and a bit of dancing at any social event on the calendar. There was even a little hand holding, and eventually some awkward kissing by the common room fire when no one was around. I felt a genuine liking for him, and maybe even more, but I didn't know if it was love. I had my suspicions, but to my logical mind, fifteen was too young to have foolish notions about love, marriage, or a foolhardy quidditch player. At least, I thought this way until Christmas. He stayed for the excellent flying conditions the still, cold air provided. I stayed because the library held what I needed to do my homework. He could have flown at home, and I could have taken the books I wanted to use. I think we both stayed because a few weeks without each other didn't seem like a holiday at all. I lay awake Christmas Eve, thinking about James. I once thought about schoolwork, my too-red hair, my fights with friends… now all I could think about was that dratted dark haired James with his big grin and confident walk.
As if my thoughts could make a person just appear out of no where, James was suddenly standing in front of me, shaking off his infamous invisibility cloak.
"It's midnight, Lil, you know what that means?" he whispered.
"Wha-you can't...how..." I gasped startled. Then, "No, what does it mean?"
"It means it's Christmas. It's time to give presents. Quick, throw on something warm, I won't watch."
True to his word, he went over to sit by the window. As I pulled on my gloves and boots, I glimpsed James with his nose against the glass, gazing out at the grounds.
"James, it's cold. We can't go outside!"
"Lily, it's cold. We must go outside."
He looked at me with a look of deep thought. I blushed under his stare, but he hardly took time to notice as he draped his cloak over us both. We tiptoed out the dorm, down the stairs, and past the empty fireplace. Neither of us spoke a word. I wondered what was going through his mysterious mind. He quietly pushed opened the door to the outside after using his wand to magically unlock it. It was bone chillingly cold outside. The only parts of me that were warm were the ones touching James. I blushed again. We walked to the center of the courtyard in front of the school. The castle towered over us, covered in snow at the tips. The lake wasn't frozen, but the full moon reflected off its calm surface making it look like ice. Moonlight reflected off yesterday's snow making it glitter like silver sickles.
James let the cloak slide to the frozen ground as we stood facing each other. We both began to giggle at another successful after hours adventure in the making. I gazed at James' smooth, unworried face as a snowflake fell from nowhere and landed on my eyelash. He reached up a steady hand and brushed it. I didn't even blink, I trusted him so much. The snow really began to fall, and without meaning to, I lifted my arms out to either side and started to twirl. I spun around and around, with my face lifted to the sky. The moon filled my eyes, along with falling snow. James never moved, but he just stared at me and my foolish, uninhibited twirling. Suddenly, I bumped into his still form. I ceased my spinning as I leaned against him.
"Lily, I need to tell you something. Now, don't just brush me off. I mean what I'm going to say. A lot of people would think I shouldn't say this, or feel this, I mean, but I should feel and maybe I should say..." he began to stutter. Not wanting to lose the moment, I firmly told him, "James, just tell me."
What he said next was not uncertain by any means. "I love you, Lily. Not in the way I love my parents, or even in the way I love quidditch. I love you the way I'm supposed to: for who you are, for who you always were, and for who you make me want to be. I love you."
"I...I love you too. I didn't think you... I didn't know I... Oh, I love you too!"
And with this we twirled together. He didn't even kiss me. Kissing wasn't needed, we just twirled in the snow until we got to cold to stay. He lead me back to my room and only then did he peck my good night. He had been so bold and warm. He had taken a chance and made me feel like a queen. I loved him for it.
I stare at the snow. It is falling like it did that night, not too hard, nor too soft. Without even realizing what I'm doing, I run to the door and began unbolting the locks. I hear James behind me, shouting. He wants to know what I'm doing, demands to know why I'm endangering my life. He probably doesn't remember.
Outside, it is snowing a little harder than I thought. I'm in only my white robe and I've forgotten my shoes in my haste. I'm not wearing a hat or earmuffs so my hair is loose and whipping me in my face as a throw my hands out and turn around over and over again. The snow melts in my hair making it curl slightly at the ends. Normally, I put so much effort in making my hair lay flat, but it doesn't matter now. I don't care. The moon shines down on me, my well hidden house, and my husband who has stopped yelling and is now sagging against the door as if he too realizes what's been happening to us. I close my eyes and try to remember what it was like, being careless light hearted. I remember when I worried about essays and makeup. I remember laughing with my friends in a circle in the hallways, giggling with the girls in the dorm as we put aside all seriousness and gossiped away the night. I remember looking up and seeing James catch my eye and smile a huge, carefree, patented James smile that belonged to no one but him. I remember holding Harry in my arms for the first time and thinking that everything was going to be all right. I feel James' hand grasp my arm as he pulls me back inside and locks the door. I think he's going to be angry, and shout at me for being so unwise. But he doesn't. He just lets me lean against him again, dizzy and sobbing. I cry into his chest as he wraps my hair around his fingers. He place his chin on my head and murmurs, "I'm sorry Lily. I forgot why I loved you. I never stopped, I just forgot why. I love you for who you are, who you've always been, and…and…"
"For who I make you want to be." I finish.
He doesn't answer. We just hold each other. Finally he reassures me that we're going to be all right.
"We're going to be fine, Lil. Nothing can happen to ruin this. We're going to be fine. You, Harry, and me. This will pass. This has to pass."
I trust him. I trusted him when he brushed a snowflake from my eyelash, and I trust him when he says we are safe. He knows who our secret keeper is. He is taking care of us. All my life I've twirled and spun, but he stood still, waiting for me to fall into his arms, and into love. I can wait for him to remember who he is, how I remember him. All around our home, the snow falls faster and thicker, and the night grows colder, but we began to feel a little warmth. Tomorrow, I will tell him about what is growing inside me this very instant, another of James' many sons. Everything will be all right.
Chapter 1: Lily
I glanced through the doorway to see James leaning over our son, Harry. His hands were tender, and his voice soft, but I knew that deep inside he wasn't feeling tender or soft. He is so distant these days. At least he can manage kindness towards Harry. This has been the coldest October in the history of Octobers, in more ways than one.
I left James to the baby and made my rounds about the house, tightening latches and checking locks. Now I gaze out the window at the chilled, dark winter sky. I can't remember the last time I touched the earth outside. Our secret is well kept, but we dare not venture out the door. We are only protected within these walls. Protected from the evil that hunts us, but not from our fears and uneasy silence. Sometimes I feel that I'd rather live with the knowledge that my whereabouts were Voldemort's for the knowing, and that I could just live out the rest of my probably short life without constrictions. James and I aren't young and careless anymore, though. We have Harry.
Harry. My little angel, James' proudest accomplishment. I remember his birth, almost a year ago. Yes, dark times had come, and yes, we were surrounded on all sides by what seemed like horrible circumstances, but Harry had changed things. For the first time since I had graduated from school and practically signed my name on Voldemort's hit list, I felt a little bit of hope. James called him his first son...as if we were going to have many, many sons together. I pat my stomach – perhaps we will have another son, or maybe even a daughter. He doesn't know yet; how could he? Perhaps this will bring us together again, just as Harry had. Then again, maybe this cold is here to stay.
I realize I'm pressing my nose against the windowpane. Instead walking away from this view of my neglected gardens and leaf-strewn walk, I focus intently on a small white flake floating the ground. Another follows it, then another. Snow begins to fall lightly, illuminated by the moon. My mind drifts back to a day and an age long before the Dark Lord, before James turned so silent and stony. I can remember the first time he said he loved me.
We were in fifth year. He was the adorable, well-liked, mischievous, Gryffindor seeker. I was the fiery, indignant, intelligent redhead that he had crossed a number of times. Over the years our competitive edge gave way to prolonged visits in Hogwarts and a bit of dancing at any social event on the calendar. There was even a little hand holding, and eventually some awkward kissing by the common room fire when no one was around. I felt a genuine liking for him, and maybe even more, but I didn't know if it was love. I had my suspicions, but to my logical mind, fifteen was too young to have foolish notions about love, marriage, or a foolhardy quidditch player. At least, I thought this way until Christmas. He stayed for the excellent flying conditions the still, cold air provided. I stayed because the library held what I needed to do my homework. He could have flown at home, and I could have taken the books I wanted to use. I think we both stayed because a few weeks without each other didn't seem like a holiday at all. I lay awake Christmas Eve, thinking about James. I once thought about schoolwork, my too-red hair, my fights with friends… now all I could think about was that dratted dark haired James with his big grin and confident walk.
As if my thoughts could make a person just appear out of no where, James was suddenly standing in front of me, shaking off his infamous invisibility cloak.
"It's midnight, Lil, you know what that means?" he whispered.
"Wha-you can't...how..." I gasped startled. Then, "No, what does it mean?"
"It means it's Christmas. It's time to give presents. Quick, throw on something warm, I won't watch."
True to his word, he went over to sit by the window. As I pulled on my gloves and boots, I glimpsed James with his nose against the glass, gazing out at the grounds.
"James, it's cold. We can't go outside!"
"Lily, it's cold. We must go outside."
He looked at me with a look of deep thought. I blushed under his stare, but he hardly took time to notice as he draped his cloak over us both. We tiptoed out the dorm, down the stairs, and past the empty fireplace. Neither of us spoke a word. I wondered what was going through his mysterious mind. He quietly pushed opened the door to the outside after using his wand to magically unlock it. It was bone chillingly cold outside. The only parts of me that were warm were the ones touching James. I blushed again. We walked to the center of the courtyard in front of the school. The castle towered over us, covered in snow at the tips. The lake wasn't frozen, but the full moon reflected off its calm surface making it look like ice. Moonlight reflected off yesterday's snow making it glitter like silver sickles.
James let the cloak slide to the frozen ground as we stood facing each other. We both began to giggle at another successful after hours adventure in the making. I gazed at James' smooth, unworried face as a snowflake fell from nowhere and landed on my eyelash. He reached up a steady hand and brushed it. I didn't even blink, I trusted him so much. The snow really began to fall, and without meaning to, I lifted my arms out to either side and started to twirl. I spun around and around, with my face lifted to the sky. The moon filled my eyes, along with falling snow. James never moved, but he just stared at me and my foolish, uninhibited twirling. Suddenly, I bumped into his still form. I ceased my spinning as I leaned against him.
"Lily, I need to tell you something. Now, don't just brush me off. I mean what I'm going to say. A lot of people would think I shouldn't say this, or feel this, I mean, but I should feel and maybe I should say..." he began to stutter. Not wanting to lose the moment, I firmly told him, "James, just tell me."
What he said next was not uncertain by any means. "I love you, Lily. Not in the way I love my parents, or even in the way I love quidditch. I love you the way I'm supposed to: for who you are, for who you always were, and for who you make me want to be. I love you."
"I...I love you too. I didn't think you... I didn't know I... Oh, I love you too!"
And with this we twirled together. He didn't even kiss me. Kissing wasn't needed, we just twirled in the snow until we got to cold to stay. He lead me back to my room and only then did he peck my good night. He had been so bold and warm. He had taken a chance and made me feel like a queen. I loved him for it.
I stare at the snow. It is falling like it did that night, not too hard, nor too soft. Without even realizing what I'm doing, I run to the door and began unbolting the locks. I hear James behind me, shouting. He wants to know what I'm doing, demands to know why I'm endangering my life. He probably doesn't remember.
Outside, it is snowing a little harder than I thought. I'm in only my white robe and I've forgotten my shoes in my haste. I'm not wearing a hat or earmuffs so my hair is loose and whipping me in my face as a throw my hands out and turn around over and over again. The snow melts in my hair making it curl slightly at the ends. Normally, I put so much effort in making my hair lay flat, but it doesn't matter now. I don't care. The moon shines down on me, my well hidden house, and my husband who has stopped yelling and is now sagging against the door as if he too realizes what's been happening to us. I close my eyes and try to remember what it was like, being careless light hearted. I remember when I worried about essays and makeup. I remember laughing with my friends in a circle in the hallways, giggling with the girls in the dorm as we put aside all seriousness and gossiped away the night. I remember looking up and seeing James catch my eye and smile a huge, carefree, patented James smile that belonged to no one but him. I remember holding Harry in my arms for the first time and thinking that everything was going to be all right. I feel James' hand grasp my arm as he pulls me back inside and locks the door. I think he's going to be angry, and shout at me for being so unwise. But he doesn't. He just lets me lean against him again, dizzy and sobbing. I cry into his chest as he wraps my hair around his fingers. He place his chin on my head and murmurs, "I'm sorry Lily. I forgot why I loved you. I never stopped, I just forgot why. I love you for who you are, who you've always been, and…and…"
"For who I make you want to be." I finish.
He doesn't answer. We just hold each other. Finally he reassures me that we're going to be all right.
"We're going to be fine, Lil. Nothing can happen to ruin this. We're going to be fine. You, Harry, and me. This will pass. This has to pass."
I trust him. I trusted him when he brushed a snowflake from my eyelash, and I trust him when he says we are safe. He knows who our secret keeper is. He is taking care of us. All my life I've twirled and spun, but he stood still, waiting for me to fall into his arms, and into love. I can wait for him to remember who he is, how I remember him. All around our home, the snow falls faster and thicker, and the night grows colder, but we began to feel a little warmth. Tomorrow, I will tell him about what is growing inside me this very instant, another of James' many sons. Everything will be all right.