Title: There for You
Author: Erika
Rating: PG
Summary: Qui-Gon grieves over a devastating loss.
Time Frame: Takes place right a the end of JA15
Spoilers: For JA15
Category: Angst, H/C, non-slash
Disclaimers: The Star Wars universe and all of its characters belong to George Lucas, I'm only borrowing them to have a little fun and I promise to return them unharmed (well, at least mostly unharmed). I'm making no money off of this and this is written for entertainment purposes only.
Feedback: Please =D (firedrake88@yahoo.com)
Archive: Jedi Apprentice, Early Years, Wolfie's Den, JAFD, The Guardians of Peace, and anyone who has any of my other stories. Anyone else who wants this, please ask and send me a link to your site so that I can check it out.
Note: Like quite a few people who have read JA15, I was very disappointed with the last sentence in the book. Despite however much grief Qui-Gon is in, I don't think he'd ever consider 'revenge'. So, this is what I would have done instead. Although I don't see Qui-Gon and Tahl as anything more than just friends, and although in my universe she doesn't die, I just HAD to fix this. Some of this might sound very familiar and it is because I am taking a few things directly out of the book itself, no plagiarism is intended here.
There For You
Obi-Wan:
I approached Qui-Gon uncertainly, wanting to comfort him but not knowing how. What was I supposed to say to him? He had known Tahl almost his entire life. They had trained together. He had loved her, obviously more than I had ever imagined. How could I even begin to understand what he was going through? Nothing I had ever learned could help me to know what I was supposed to do in a situation like this. Any words I could offer Qui-Gon would seem pitiful and insufficient, but I had to say something. I cared for Qui-Gon; it broke my heart to see him like this. Through our bond I could sense his emptiness, and grief. It was grief like nothing I had ever felt before. Even the trickle that escaped through our bond was enough to make me want to break down and cry. Qui-Gon was in so much pain. I couldn't just leave him here.
I placed my hand gently on Qui-Gon's shoulder, still not knowing what I was going to say. "Please, Qui-Gon…" I said, praying to the Force for inspiration to strike me. I had no such luck. What in the universe could I possibly say to my Master? "You're not alone Master, please, let me help you."
Qui-Gon stared at me with lost, cold eyes. Eyes full of unspeakable pain and suffering. He opened his mouth to speak but no sound came out. In his eyes I saw a man I had never seen before, at least never in Qui-Gon. I saw a helpless man, torn and lost by the devastating blow of watching his best friend die before his eyes. He seemed so small, so lost, and so very weak. He was not a Jedi Master, not in this moment, he was a man overcome by a grief that I would hopefully never comprehend.
I blinked back tears of grief and compassion as I saw Qui-Gon's shoulders slump helplessly. A moment later he crouched forward and hid his face in his hands. My hand fell from his shoulder and I was shocked to see his entire body trembling. The silence of the room was broken by the sound of stifled sobs. My Master was crying. I had never seen him cry before. Qui-Gon had always been so strong, but now he seemed completely lost in his grief. Lost and…alone.
I had to help him, but what could I do? It hurt so much to see Qui-Gon like this and not be able to do anything to ease his pain. I rested my hand gently on my Master's head, wanting him to know I was still here with him. "Master," I said, sounding hopelessly forlorn even to myself, "I-I'm sorry…" I took a deep breath. I could do better than this. Qui-Gon needed me. "I know I can never begin to understand what you're feeling right now but…I just want you to know that you're not alone. I'm here for you. I know I'm just your Padawan but…I do care for you Qui-Gon, and if you need me…I'm here for you."
I half-flinched when Qui-Gon started to shake almost violently, his sobs becoming louder and more pronounced. I had never seen my Master lose control like this. He was experiencing so much grief and there was nothing I could do. I had felt so alone when Cerasi was killed. I had wanted someone there to comfort me but at the same time I had wanted to be alone to grieve and come to terms with what had happened. Perhaps Qui-Gon needed to be alone right now.
"Qui-Gon," I comfortingly stroked his hair, "I-if you want to be alone right now, I understand, but…if you don't want me to go…I'll stay for as long as you need…"
Qui-Gon started to rock himself back and forth slowly and after a few moments his sobs had reduced to silent tears of pain. "Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon's voice was so rough and hoarse that I didn't even recognize it. Force, I could hear the pain in the very way he said my name. "Don't go…Padawan, please."
A tear I couldn't hold back slid down my cheek at the sheer grief in my Master's words. "I-I won't go, Qui-Gon," I assured him, kneeling next to the chair in which he sat, "I won't go. I-if you want to talk, I'll listen… You're not alone, please let me in." Force, my words seemed so small, insignificant…and just so hollow.
"Just stay with me, Obi-Wan," he choked out. Qui-Gon lifted his head from his hands. His eyes were red and his cheeks were stained with tears that still flowed. "Let me know that you're here. I couldn't stand to lose you too…"
Without even thinking I reached up and took one of Qui-Gon's large, shaking hands in mine. I clutched it tightly, "You won't lose me, Qui-Gon. I'm here."
Qui-Gon didn't answer and closed his eyes. A flood of fresh tears rushed forth from underneath his eyelids and instinctively, wishing to comfort him in any way I could, I reached up and wiped some of them away. My Master captured my hand in his and held it tightly. For a moment he just held it there, against his cheek, but then he brought both of my hands down to his chest and clasped them there in a death grip.
"Thank you…" he whispered softly.
"I'm always here for you, Master," I whispered, leaning forward to rest against the side of his chair.
We stayed like that for over an hour, without speaking. I wanted to comfort him further, to be able to soothe him with words, but apparently my simple presence was enough. Qui-Gon had just experienced a loss that no one ever deserved to feel but perhaps by just being there for him I had given him all I could. I had shown him he wasn't alone.
The End