Note: Not my characters! This fic is Rated H for hilarious! Just out of curiosity, if I wrote my own version of LOTR bloopers, who would read and review it? Enjoy! BTW, there was a typo in the last chapter- it should have been Legolas's limp body, instead of limb body... A/L SLASH! Elvish speech is in ` '. Enjoy! The ending was taken from Laurell K. Hamilton's `Nightseer', so it's not mine. I just modified it a bit. This is the final chapter!
Alone At Last... Or Are They?
Part 8
Legolas ran through the hallways in `Lorien screaming for help.
Several of the Harem attendants were chasing after him with makeup kits, hair dryers, and a perm kit. Others were running after the blond archer with nail polish and eyebrow tweezers. And a few more were carrying curling irons, nail files, and perfume.
`Stay away from me! Someone help!' Legolas screamed. He was wearing a new stripper outfit, and was seriously unhappy.
Aragorn had arrived on Elrond's horse and heard the sounds of the one he loved screaming. So Aragorn decided to do something really brave. He climbed up a tree and grabbed onto a convenient vine.
He then proceeded to swing down directly into an open window on the vine, and the plan worked perfectly until the vine snapped and Aragorn went flying into the side of the house.
Legolas saw Aragorn fall. `My love!' he shouted, as he peered down from the window at Aragorn. `Do you live?'
`Of course I live. Let down your golden hair, Legolas,' Aragorn muttered, having struck the wall headfirst, as he gazed up at Legolas.
Legolas looked at Aragorn sadly. `My hair is not long enough,' he pointed out. `But Galadriel's might be.'
While he was busy speaking to Aragorn, the attendants were sneaking up on him. They grabbed the elf from behind.
Legolas gave a sudden cry, before a loud thud was heard. One of the attendants had struck him on the head with a frying pan. The unconscious elf was carried off again.
Aragorn was worried when Legolas suddenly disappeared from sight.
Galadriel saw how forlorn Aragorn looked, for she'd been watching from a higher window. `I will be selling him to the highest bidder tonight, Elessar, so come back and dress sharply. And bring lots of money,' the Elven lady told him.
Aragorn nodded and ran off to call in some old favors.
By that evening, Aragorn was decked out in a regal outfit `borrowed' from Lord Elrond, and he had plenty of money, because he had not had to spend it on a wedding for him and Arwen.
So he walked into the Harem, not knowing that the rest of the Fellowship and his angry foster father were already inside. He avoided them as soon as he saw the group sitting at a table.
Aragorn took a seat up close, and waited for Galadriel to bring Legolas out.
Galadriel came out on stage. `I have a new prize for you tonight,' she grandly announced. `A perfect specimen of Mirkwood and King Thranduil's very own son, Legolas Greenleaf.'
Everyone started drooling, except for Aragorn, who had to work really hard not to, as Legolas was brought out.
His golden hair was soft and full, and the makeup he wore this time enhanced his natural beauty. Terror was written on his face, as he gazed out at the audience, hoping for a familiar face. The outfit Legolas wore was perfect for showing off his firm muscles and slender body. He did not wear fingernail polish, however, and silver chains were around his wrists.
Aragorn pulled his hood over his hair and face, for he had decided to surprise Legolas, as the bidding began. He waited until it had started to slow down, before placing his own bid of a five thousand gold pieces- by far the most so far. Aragorn had also sold a few things to get so much money.
Elrond countered with six thousand, and Aragorn upped him to nine thousand.
The Elven king glared at his foster son, before bidding ten thousand.
Aragorn bid fifteen thousand, which Elrond could not top.
`Sold to the gentleman in the cloak and hood,' Galadriel announced. She had, of course, recognized Aragorn.
Legolas whimpered in protest, as he was dragged hand and foot over to where Aragorn stood waiting. The two were then taken to a private chamber, Aragorn was given the keys to the chains, and the door was locked.
The two faced each other, before Aragorn unlocked the chains first, which surprised Legolas.
`Please don't...' Legolas was afraid as the figure approached him.
Aragorn brought his mouth to Legolas's softly, and kissed him. The blond elf was shocked to feel the same rush of emotions that he felt when he kissed Aragorn.
`Aragorn?' he exclaimed, hope in his voice.
Aragorn tried to rip his cloak off dramatically, but it got caught. `Did you think I would let someone else have you?' he said, muffled by the cloak as he struggled to get it off.
Legolas eagerly gave him a hand, and Aragorn smiled at him.
`I'm so glad it's you,' Legolas whispered.
Aragorn took the slender elf in his arms and gave him another passionate kiss. They stayed locked together until both were severely oxygen-deprived. They broke apart, gasping, before Aragorn finally went to work on Legolas's skimpy shirt.
The blond elf eagerly removed Aragorn's tunic and shirt. `Where did you get this from?' he questioned, as he saw it was silk.
`Elrond,' Aragorn snickered.
Legolas began to giggle. `Oh... he's gonna be so mad...'
Aragorn nipped at Legolas's throat, forgetting all else.
A murmur of pleasure came from Legolas, as he pressed his body against Aragorn's, giving complete control to the one he loved.
Aragorn groaned, before scooping the elf up into his arms and carrying him over to the bed. Legolas entwined his arms around Aragorn's neck.
Legolas was placed on the bed, before Aragorn lowered himself onto the elf. Their hands tugged at each other's belts as they kissed fiercely, forgetting everything else.
Aragorn licked the elf's ear and had to muffle a shriek from Legolas. `What's wrong?'
`Elven ears are very... um...' Aragorn got the gist and chuckled, before beginning to undo the elf's pants. `Damn zippers,' he muttered.
`What's a zipper?' Legolas questioned, as he squirmed beneath Aragorn, undoing the man's leggings and pushing them off.
`Nothing,' Aragorn said. He slipped the pants off the elf, and went to work on the one he loved.
************************
Sometime Later
************************
Aragorn and Legolas were sound asleep in each other's arms when Legolas woke up suddenly and shook Aragorn awake.
`Do you smell something?' Legolas whispered, sniffing the air curiously.
`Hmm?' Aragorn sniffed. `Yeah, it smells like the fires of Mordor.'
"Good guess!" Saruman shouted. He had just teleported into the room. "I'll take my elf now."
Aragorn growled. "You will not!"
Saruman unleashed a fire spell and destroyed most of the room. Aragorn and Legolas jumped aside from the spell. The bed was totally destroyed.
Legolas had had enough of this, and grabbed Aragorn's bow and arrows, which were conveniently on the floor next to him. He fired an arrow at Saruman and it sunk in deep.
The wizard vanished, shrieking.
Aragorn applauded Legolas, and a sudden pounding was heard on the door.
`Legolas! Don't kill him! It's Aragorn,' Galadriel shouted. The whole match-making shindig was over, finally.
Legolas looked around the ruined wreck of the room. The tapestries had been completely destroyed, along with the bed.
Aragorn grinned at the elf, who sat next to him, holding two sheets. `If bedding you is always this exciting, I may not live out the summer.'
Legolas smiled and a giggle escaped his lips. Aragorn's own lips trembled. And they began to laugh. It was good, healthy laughter, and it bubbled out of both of them.
Legolas thought enough to hand Aragorn a sheet to cover himself when the door opened, with a sheet over him as well.
`What on Middle-Earth did you do to this room?' Galadriel nearly had a fit when she saw the room. The rest of the Fellowship and Lord Elrond were in the hallway, watching.
Aragorn stood and tried to explain, but the sheet slipped to the ground.
`Cover yourself!' Galadriel screamed.
Legolas handed Aragorn his sheet again, his green eyes dancing with suppressed laughter.
Aragorn began to explain, slightly red, and Galadriel began to yell. Legolas tugged a piece of charred bedpost from under his sheet, and the laughter bubbled up full throated. Aragorn and Galadriel turned at almost the same time.
Galadriel yelled, `What are you laughing about?'
Aragorn winked at Legolas, from behind her back.
Legolas fell backward onto the scarred floor and laughed until he cried.
The End
Alone At Last... Or Are They?
Part 8
Legolas ran through the hallways in `Lorien screaming for help.
Several of the Harem attendants were chasing after him with makeup kits, hair dryers, and a perm kit. Others were running after the blond archer with nail polish and eyebrow tweezers. And a few more were carrying curling irons, nail files, and perfume.
`Stay away from me! Someone help!' Legolas screamed. He was wearing a new stripper outfit, and was seriously unhappy.
Aragorn had arrived on Elrond's horse and heard the sounds of the one he loved screaming. So Aragorn decided to do something really brave. He climbed up a tree and grabbed onto a convenient vine.
He then proceeded to swing down directly into an open window on the vine, and the plan worked perfectly until the vine snapped and Aragorn went flying into the side of the house.
Legolas saw Aragorn fall. `My love!' he shouted, as he peered down from the window at Aragorn. `Do you live?'
`Of course I live. Let down your golden hair, Legolas,' Aragorn muttered, having struck the wall headfirst, as he gazed up at Legolas.
Legolas looked at Aragorn sadly. `My hair is not long enough,' he pointed out. `But Galadriel's might be.'
While he was busy speaking to Aragorn, the attendants were sneaking up on him. They grabbed the elf from behind.
Legolas gave a sudden cry, before a loud thud was heard. One of the attendants had struck him on the head with a frying pan. The unconscious elf was carried off again.
Aragorn was worried when Legolas suddenly disappeared from sight.
Galadriel saw how forlorn Aragorn looked, for she'd been watching from a higher window. `I will be selling him to the highest bidder tonight, Elessar, so come back and dress sharply. And bring lots of money,' the Elven lady told him.
Aragorn nodded and ran off to call in some old favors.
By that evening, Aragorn was decked out in a regal outfit `borrowed' from Lord Elrond, and he had plenty of money, because he had not had to spend it on a wedding for him and Arwen.
So he walked into the Harem, not knowing that the rest of the Fellowship and his angry foster father were already inside. He avoided them as soon as he saw the group sitting at a table.
Aragorn took a seat up close, and waited for Galadriel to bring Legolas out.
Galadriel came out on stage. `I have a new prize for you tonight,' she grandly announced. `A perfect specimen of Mirkwood and King Thranduil's very own son, Legolas Greenleaf.'
Everyone started drooling, except for Aragorn, who had to work really hard not to, as Legolas was brought out.
His golden hair was soft and full, and the makeup he wore this time enhanced his natural beauty. Terror was written on his face, as he gazed out at the audience, hoping for a familiar face. The outfit Legolas wore was perfect for showing off his firm muscles and slender body. He did not wear fingernail polish, however, and silver chains were around his wrists.
Aragorn pulled his hood over his hair and face, for he had decided to surprise Legolas, as the bidding began. He waited until it had started to slow down, before placing his own bid of a five thousand gold pieces- by far the most so far. Aragorn had also sold a few things to get so much money.
Elrond countered with six thousand, and Aragorn upped him to nine thousand.
The Elven king glared at his foster son, before bidding ten thousand.
Aragorn bid fifteen thousand, which Elrond could not top.
`Sold to the gentleman in the cloak and hood,' Galadriel announced. She had, of course, recognized Aragorn.
Legolas whimpered in protest, as he was dragged hand and foot over to where Aragorn stood waiting. The two were then taken to a private chamber, Aragorn was given the keys to the chains, and the door was locked.
The two faced each other, before Aragorn unlocked the chains first, which surprised Legolas.
`Please don't...' Legolas was afraid as the figure approached him.
Aragorn brought his mouth to Legolas's softly, and kissed him. The blond elf was shocked to feel the same rush of emotions that he felt when he kissed Aragorn.
`Aragorn?' he exclaimed, hope in his voice.
Aragorn tried to rip his cloak off dramatically, but it got caught. `Did you think I would let someone else have you?' he said, muffled by the cloak as he struggled to get it off.
Legolas eagerly gave him a hand, and Aragorn smiled at him.
`I'm so glad it's you,' Legolas whispered.
Aragorn took the slender elf in his arms and gave him another passionate kiss. They stayed locked together until both were severely oxygen-deprived. They broke apart, gasping, before Aragorn finally went to work on Legolas's skimpy shirt.
The blond elf eagerly removed Aragorn's tunic and shirt. `Where did you get this from?' he questioned, as he saw it was silk.
`Elrond,' Aragorn snickered.
Legolas began to giggle. `Oh... he's gonna be so mad...'
Aragorn nipped at Legolas's throat, forgetting all else.
A murmur of pleasure came from Legolas, as he pressed his body against Aragorn's, giving complete control to the one he loved.
Aragorn groaned, before scooping the elf up into his arms and carrying him over to the bed. Legolas entwined his arms around Aragorn's neck.
Legolas was placed on the bed, before Aragorn lowered himself onto the elf. Their hands tugged at each other's belts as they kissed fiercely, forgetting everything else.
Aragorn licked the elf's ear and had to muffle a shriek from Legolas. `What's wrong?'
`Elven ears are very... um...' Aragorn got the gist and chuckled, before beginning to undo the elf's pants. `Damn zippers,' he muttered.
`What's a zipper?' Legolas questioned, as he squirmed beneath Aragorn, undoing the man's leggings and pushing them off.
`Nothing,' Aragorn said. He slipped the pants off the elf, and went to work on the one he loved.
************************
Sometime Later
************************
Aragorn and Legolas were sound asleep in each other's arms when Legolas woke up suddenly and shook Aragorn awake.
`Do you smell something?' Legolas whispered, sniffing the air curiously.
`Hmm?' Aragorn sniffed. `Yeah, it smells like the fires of Mordor.'
"Good guess!" Saruman shouted. He had just teleported into the room. "I'll take my elf now."
Aragorn growled. "You will not!"
Saruman unleashed a fire spell and destroyed most of the room. Aragorn and Legolas jumped aside from the spell. The bed was totally destroyed.
Legolas had had enough of this, and grabbed Aragorn's bow and arrows, which were conveniently on the floor next to him. He fired an arrow at Saruman and it sunk in deep.
The wizard vanished, shrieking.
Aragorn applauded Legolas, and a sudden pounding was heard on the door.
`Legolas! Don't kill him! It's Aragorn,' Galadriel shouted. The whole match-making shindig was over, finally.
Legolas looked around the ruined wreck of the room. The tapestries had been completely destroyed, along with the bed.
Aragorn grinned at the elf, who sat next to him, holding two sheets. `If bedding you is always this exciting, I may not live out the summer.'
Legolas smiled and a giggle escaped his lips. Aragorn's own lips trembled. And they began to laugh. It was good, healthy laughter, and it bubbled out of both of them.
Legolas thought enough to hand Aragorn a sheet to cover himself when the door opened, with a sheet over him as well.
`What on Middle-Earth did you do to this room?' Galadriel nearly had a fit when she saw the room. The rest of the Fellowship and Lord Elrond were in the hallway, watching.
Aragorn stood and tried to explain, but the sheet slipped to the ground.
`Cover yourself!' Galadriel screamed.
Legolas handed Aragorn his sheet again, his green eyes dancing with suppressed laughter.
Aragorn began to explain, slightly red, and Galadriel began to yell. Legolas tugged a piece of charred bedpost from under his sheet, and the laughter bubbled up full throated. Aragorn and Galadriel turned at almost the same time.
Galadriel yelled, `What are you laughing about?'
Aragorn winked at Legolas, from behind her back.
Legolas fell backward onto the scarred floor and laughed until he cried.
The End