CHAPTER 5
Senator and Mr. Stevens cuddled in front of the television. Although they both tried, it was difficult to find time alone. Three children and two demanding jobs was a scheduling nightmare; if the children were out of the house, then one of them had to work late. Just watching TV together was an important occasion for them. Mrs. Stevens sat up and checked her watch when she heard a key in the lock. It was only 8:30, much earlier than she had expected. When Ren came in, her mother's eye immediately registered her agitation; dinner had not gone well. Never pushy, she knew Ren would talk to her if it were important enough. "You're home early; planning to hang out with us old folks?"
Ren smiled; no matter how upset she was, being with her family always calmed her down. "Mom, no one `hangs' anymore, but the answer is no, I'm not going to stay down here and watch my parents make out on the couch." Mr. Stevens blushed. "I had a really busy day, so I just want to go to bed early." She watched them for a moment as they made themselves comfortable again, a thoughtful expression on her face, then she left them and headed upstairs to her room.
After she closed the door, Ren hurriedly changed her clothes and switched on her computer. She entered her password and opened her journal file. She changed the code daily out of habit; life with two brothers had taught her to be cautious. As she started typing, she felt herself beginning to relax. This had been a very stressful day. As she recorded what had happened in Larry's room she tried to make sense of her feelings. Her behaviour had been completely out of character; she was neither violent nor impulsive, and the way she had clung to him...she felt her skin get hot at the memory. No wonder he had reacted the way he had; she had been so - obvious! She shivered as she remembered his hands slipping under her blouse and sliding over her skin, touching her waist, her back. She hadn't stopped him; the part of her mind that never allowed such intimacies had fallen silent. Larry had pulled her close, so close that she could feel how much he wanted her, and she hadn't pulled
away. For the first time in her life, she hadn't felt scared or embarrassed; she had slipped her own hand beneath the hem of his t-shirt, and slid her fingers along the muscles of his back. It was Larry who ended the kiss, Larry who had taken her by the shoulders and set her away from him, Larry who had remained in command of his faculties while she had completely lost control. Utterly humiliated but determined to save face, she had forced herself to smile and chatter inanely while she ate pizza that tasted like sawdust in her mouth. He had barely said a word while they ate, and she had left as soon as she felt able. In the privacy of her own mind she could barely admit the fact, but she had run, fled the scene of the crime. She normally took pride in her sophistication, but she had acted like a coward.
At the Beales' house, Larry sat in his room watching the sky through the open window. He could hear his father moving around downstairs; he had arrived home much earlier than expected, but Ren had already gone home by then. He knew the Major would check on him when he came upstairs, but right now, he was glad to have some time to himself. He didn't know what to think, much less what to do about Ren Stevens. One minute they were sworn enemies, and the next thing he knew, they were all over each other in his bedroom. He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead; he felt a migraine starting behind his eyes. What on earth was he going to do about Ren? Her kiss had taken him by surprise, stripped him of his defenses. The shock had lasted only a second, and had quickly been swamped by an overwhelming need to taste her, to touch her. When he had momentarily regained his senses, he had had his hand under her shirt, clumsily groping her like the idiot teenager that he was. He had tried
to stop himself then, to tell her that he respected her too much to continue, but when she slid her fingers up his spine, he had felt his mind slip. It had taken a great effort of will to stop, and he had had to put some space between them so that he wouldn't jump her like the randy bastard that he was. He had stood there trembling, grateful that she was too polite to hit him again, glad for the opportunity she had given him to regain his self-control. She had tried to make conversation, but he had been too appalled by his own behaviour to respond. When she got up to leave, he had not begged her to stay; he was proud of that, at least.
He heard the phone ring, but he ignored it; his father would get it. A knock on his door shook him out of his reverie. "How're you doing, son?" The Major smiled and handed him the phone. "We'll talk later; I need a shower, and you have a caller. Ren Stevens."
As the door closed behind his parent, Larry sat holding the phone, delaying the inevitable. He needed to collect his thoughts before he talked to her. His cleared his throat nervously as he raised the phone to his ear. "Ren? Larry here."
There was silence as Ren's mind went blank momentarily. She had screwed up her nerve to make this call; after she had sorted out her feelings, it had suddenly seemed extremely important that she clear the air. She took a deep breath, said a silent prayer and plunged in. "Larry, I wanted to apologize for the way I acted after I...after we...afterwards," she finished lamely. "I behaved like a coward; everything just happened so fast - "
Larry cut her off; "You didn't do anything wrong. I behaved like some kind of animal, manhandling you like that." He paused uncertainly; "You think you're a coward?"
"I should have stayed and discussed what happened with you, not run off like a scared child."
"Were you afraid - of me?" Larry asked, trying to keep his voice even. He remembered his earlier attempt to intimidate her with shame. He didn't understand why Ren had called him, why she was apologizing to him. "Ren, I behaved like a jerk earlier; I'm not even sure what I was thinking at the time - but you have to know that I would never hurt you." He paused, desperately searching for a way to make her understand, repeating himself slowly and earnestly; "I would never hurt you."
They sat there at opposite ends of the line as his words echoed between them. Before she could think of a suitable response, Larry spoke again, this time in a more normal voice; "Ren, I don't know if either of us is ready for this. Maybe we should just pretend that nothing happened, and work on being friends. I know I don't deserve another chance, but I want to earn your trust; I don't want you to be afraid of me. God, I hate this!" He fought for control; "I've done some things that I regret, and I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me. I just need another chance to make it up to you." Larry leaned his head against the wall. He rubbed at the dull throb between his eyebrows.
They sat in silence for a minute, then Ren collected her scattered thoughts. "Larry, you didn't attack me. Whatever happened before we - before I kissed you was already in the past." She blushed at her own words. "If I didn't trust you I would never have been in your room." She took another deep breath; "It's just that I've never behaved like that with anyone else; it's myself I don't trust."
He smiled at her honesty; "So you won't be kissing me anymore?"
"I'm going to try to control myself."
Senator and Mr. Stevens cuddled in front of the television. Although they both tried, it was difficult to find time alone. Three children and two demanding jobs was a scheduling nightmare; if the children were out of the house, then one of them had to work late. Just watching TV together was an important occasion for them. Mrs. Stevens sat up and checked her watch when she heard a key in the lock. It was only 8:30, much earlier than she had expected. When Ren came in, her mother's eye immediately registered her agitation; dinner had not gone well. Never pushy, she knew Ren would talk to her if it were important enough. "You're home early; planning to hang out with us old folks?"
Ren smiled; no matter how upset she was, being with her family always calmed her down. "Mom, no one `hangs' anymore, but the answer is no, I'm not going to stay down here and watch my parents make out on the couch." Mr. Stevens blushed. "I had a really busy day, so I just want to go to bed early." She watched them for a moment as they made themselves comfortable again, a thoughtful expression on her face, then she left them and headed upstairs to her room.
After she closed the door, Ren hurriedly changed her clothes and switched on her computer. She entered her password and opened her journal file. She changed the code daily out of habit; life with two brothers had taught her to be cautious. As she started typing, she felt herself beginning to relax. This had been a very stressful day. As she recorded what had happened in Larry's room she tried to make sense of her feelings. Her behaviour had been completely out of character; she was neither violent nor impulsive, and the way she had clung to him...she felt her skin get hot at the memory. No wonder he had reacted the way he had; she had been so - obvious! She shivered as she remembered his hands slipping under her blouse and sliding over her skin, touching her waist, her back. She hadn't stopped him; the part of her mind that never allowed such intimacies had fallen silent. Larry had pulled her close, so close that she could feel how much he wanted her, and she hadn't pulled
away. For the first time in her life, she hadn't felt scared or embarrassed; she had slipped her own hand beneath the hem of his t-shirt, and slid her fingers along the muscles of his back. It was Larry who ended the kiss, Larry who had taken her by the shoulders and set her away from him, Larry who had remained in command of his faculties while she had completely lost control. Utterly humiliated but determined to save face, she had forced herself to smile and chatter inanely while she ate pizza that tasted like sawdust in her mouth. He had barely said a word while they ate, and she had left as soon as she felt able. In the privacy of her own mind she could barely admit the fact, but she had run, fled the scene of the crime. She normally took pride in her sophistication, but she had acted like a coward.
At the Beales' house, Larry sat in his room watching the sky through the open window. He could hear his father moving around downstairs; he had arrived home much earlier than expected, but Ren had already gone home by then. He knew the Major would check on him when he came upstairs, but right now, he was glad to have some time to himself. He didn't know what to think, much less what to do about Ren Stevens. One minute they were sworn enemies, and the next thing he knew, they were all over each other in his bedroom. He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead; he felt a migraine starting behind his eyes. What on earth was he going to do about Ren? Her kiss had taken him by surprise, stripped him of his defenses. The shock had lasted only a second, and had quickly been swamped by an overwhelming need to taste her, to touch her. When he had momentarily regained his senses, he had had his hand under her shirt, clumsily groping her like the idiot teenager that he was. He had tried
to stop himself then, to tell her that he respected her too much to continue, but when she slid her fingers up his spine, he had felt his mind slip. It had taken a great effort of will to stop, and he had had to put some space between them so that he wouldn't jump her like the randy bastard that he was. He had stood there trembling, grateful that she was too polite to hit him again, glad for the opportunity she had given him to regain his self-control. She had tried to make conversation, but he had been too appalled by his own behaviour to respond. When she got up to leave, he had not begged her to stay; he was proud of that, at least.
He heard the phone ring, but he ignored it; his father would get it. A knock on his door shook him out of his reverie. "How're you doing, son?" The Major smiled and handed him the phone. "We'll talk later; I need a shower, and you have a caller. Ren Stevens."
As the door closed behind his parent, Larry sat holding the phone, delaying the inevitable. He needed to collect his thoughts before he talked to her. His cleared his throat nervously as he raised the phone to his ear. "Ren? Larry here."
There was silence as Ren's mind went blank momentarily. She had screwed up her nerve to make this call; after she had sorted out her feelings, it had suddenly seemed extremely important that she clear the air. She took a deep breath, said a silent prayer and plunged in. "Larry, I wanted to apologize for the way I acted after I...after we...afterwards," she finished lamely. "I behaved like a coward; everything just happened so fast - "
Larry cut her off; "You didn't do anything wrong. I behaved like some kind of animal, manhandling you like that." He paused uncertainly; "You think you're a coward?"
"I should have stayed and discussed what happened with you, not run off like a scared child."
"Were you afraid - of me?" Larry asked, trying to keep his voice even. He remembered his earlier attempt to intimidate her with shame. He didn't understand why Ren had called him, why she was apologizing to him. "Ren, I behaved like a jerk earlier; I'm not even sure what I was thinking at the time - but you have to know that I would never hurt you." He paused, desperately searching for a way to make her understand, repeating himself slowly and earnestly; "I would never hurt you."
They sat there at opposite ends of the line as his words echoed between them. Before she could think of a suitable response, Larry spoke again, this time in a more normal voice; "Ren, I don't know if either of us is ready for this. Maybe we should just pretend that nothing happened, and work on being friends. I know I don't deserve another chance, but I want to earn your trust; I don't want you to be afraid of me. God, I hate this!" He fought for control; "I've done some things that I regret, and I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me. I just need another chance to make it up to you." Larry leaned his head against the wall. He rubbed at the dull throb between his eyebrows.
They sat in silence for a minute, then Ren collected her scattered thoughts. "Larry, you didn't attack me. Whatever happened before we - before I kissed you was already in the past." She blushed at her own words. "If I didn't trust you I would never have been in your room." She took another deep breath; "It's just that I've never behaved like that with anyone else; it's myself I don't trust."
He smiled at her honesty; "So you won't be kissing me anymore?"
"I'm going to try to control myself."